According To Jim s08e12 Episode Script

1 One, two, three, hike! Oh! Here we go.
Here we go.
Where's the ball? Where's the ball? Andy, what the hell? We--we're supposed to play snow football in 20 minutes.
Why aren't you dressed for the game? Andy, do you want to tell Jim why you're not dressed for the game? Well, uh, uh, Mandy thinks Ahem! I think I'm a grown man with responsibilities, and playing tackle football on a frozen field is an unnecessary risk Considering I'm not in the best shape.
Andy, this is the oak park snow bowl.
It's a sacred tradition dating back over two years.
He brings up a hell of a point.
I'm not playing.
Fine.
Great.
No problem.
See, Andy? He didn't scream.
He didn't stomp on your feet.
He didn't twist your nipples.
He's your friend, and he respects your decision.
That's right.
Okay, I have to go.
I'll see you later.
Mwah.
See you later, Mandy.
Thanks for coming by.
No, no.
No, no.
Don't worry about Andy.
He's safe here.
Mandy.
Mandy! Okay.
So should we just get it over with? Sure.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Ohh! What the hell is wrong with you? Now you can't live your life by Mandy's rules.
Mandy says I can.
Well, Mandy's crazy! Oh.
I don't know if you've noticed this, Jim, but I've had a little trouble hanging on to women lately.
Because you're doing it all wrong.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, listen to my rules, all right? Rule number one--in order to get respect from a woman, you gotta set down the terms and the boundaries of the relationship.
Ah, but Mandy says-- oh, "Mandy says, Mandy says, Mandy says.
" Come on.
You're a man.
You can do what you want.
Oh, unless you still need mommy's permission.
No, no.
I got mom's permission.
Oh, Andy.
She--she just said wear an extra sweater.
Oh! Andy, for crying out loud.
Listen, I know you think that pathetic with a girlfriend is better than just pathetic.
Yeah.
It's not.
It's not? No, because in a week's time, you're gonna be pathetic and dumped, and then after that you're gonna be pathetic and drunk and on my couch.
And that runs exactly into this! Aah! Come on, Andy.
Wise up here.
Are you saying that sexy Mandy will stay with pathetic Andy if pathetic Andy doesn't do what sexy Mandy says? Right.
Yeah? Why? Because women are strange.
They're mysterious creatures.
Who knows why they do what they do? Now let's go jump the junkyard fence and tackle some middle-aged men on a frozen field! Yeah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Aah! Ohh.
Hee! Uh-huh.
What do you think, doc? I think if you play tackle football on a frozen field, it's risky Considering he's not in the best of shape.
You know, doc, I tried to tell him that.
See? You should listen to your dad.
I can barely move my arms.
Does it hurt when you do this? Yeah.
Y-yes.
So don't do that.
That's one from our generation.
Remember that? Doc, is he gonna be all right? Yeah, yeah, he's gonna be fine.
We're gonna bring in our physical therapist to show him some exercises, and, uh It's gonna help your flexibility if you do them.
Okay? I gotta see a doctor.
I got a cough here.
I am so screwed! Mandy's gonna find out I played football.
How's she gonna find out? Jim, I brush her hair before we go to bed.
You brush her hair? Well, yeah.
Oh, man, we got a lot of work to do.
Hi.
You must be Andy.
Poor thing.
Let's get you up on your feet so I can get a baseline check of your flexibility.
I need you to stand in front of me and stretch out your arms as far as you can.
Ahh.
Ohh.
How does that feel? Oh, pretty good! But I'd give anything to do a little better.
You know, my arms are a little sore.
Can you do a baseline on me? Ohh.
No, I'm sorry.
I actually need to focus on your son.
Hmm.
Now palms up Uh-huh.
And move your hands laterally.
Ow! Good.
And now up and down.
Do you mind if I watch from over here? Ohh.
Now fingers.
Can you make a fist? Aah.
Okay.
Ohh.
Are you a cop? Because if you are a cop, you gotta tell us.
You know, you really are stiff.
Aah.
Hee.
Aah.
Oh, ho ho ho.
Aah.
Ohh.
Aah.
All right, buddy.
I'm gonna get you so flexible here that Mandy won't know a thing.
Mm.
All right, get up on your feet.
I can't, Jim.
I can't get myself up.
All right, here.
Let me pick you up.
No! That'll hurt too much.
Here.
Open your mouth.
Bite.
Bite.
Pretty smart, huh? Ohh! I'm trying to help you here! Yeah, I know.
Now hold on.
Okay.
Now pull as tight as you can.
That's it.
Yeah.
Aah! Oh, ho! Ow! You did that on purpose! That's for laughing.
Now hold the end again.
Oh, hell, no.
I don't trust you.
Come on.
You can trust me.
We're even now.
Fine, but it's under protest.
All right, all right.
Now hold it as tight as you can.
There you go.
Very good.
Aah! The other side! That's for not trusting me! All right.
It's nice, safe and secure here.
Why don't you start stretching a little bit? Okay.
There you go.
Hey.
That feels pretty good.
I'm totally loosening up.
Right? Right? All right.
You feel better? Then why don't you put a little weight into it? Ah! Wow! There you go.
Jim, that feels really good.
Well, I'm all about you feeling good.
Whoo.
Yeah.
You like that? Yeah.
Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Andy! Ohh! Come on.
Stop screwin' around.
Screwing around? I'm worse than before! All right.
Open your mouth.
Uh-huh.
Bite.
There you go.
Come on.
There you go.
Come here.
Get up.
Get up.
Ow! Aah, aah, aah.
There you go.
This ought to hold till one of the kids falls through it And then we can blame them.
What am I gonna do? Mandy's on her way over here.
Oh, just relax.
Rule number two-- never be afraid to cover up a lie.
You know, Jim, your rules sound an awful lot like rules for serial killing.
That's the beauty of my rules.
It's good for every kind of relationship.
Ow! I'm sorry.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Listen, just relax.
You know, Mandy needs to see you get hurt in a different way.
Well, like how? The banister.
Yeah, when Mandy comes over here, you tell her you gotta go to the bathroom.
Then fall through the banister on the way up the stairs.
Why would I go upstairs? You have a bathroom downstairs.
You're right.
Better she dump you.
Move to Florida.
Live with your mom.
You know, just because I point out a logic flaw is no reason to be mean.
Andy, you have to make a-- hey! Hey.
There's my girl! Hi! Hi, guys.
Aah! Mm.
So what did you guys, uh, end up doing instead of playing snow football? Well, we just, uh, you know, we kinda hung around here and did some stuff inside.
I mean, we don't even know what the weather's like outside because we've been inside.
Wow, Andy, I am so proud of you.
You know, I thought for sure he'd make you play.
How dare you? Andy is his own man.
Andy, go to the bathroom.
Oh.
Oh, right.
Thanks, Jim.
I'm, uh, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
Upstairs.
Right, upstairs.
Why is he going to the bathroom upstairs when you have one downstairs? Because, uh, we trapped a raccoon in there.
You don't want to pull your pants down in there.
Okay.
Just I'm just gonna Just gonna What is wrong with you? I'm afraid.
Of going to the bathroom? Uh, yeah, yeah.
W-what if there's another raccoon? Come on, Andy, you've done it a million times before.
Not on purpose.
Come on.
Just close your eyes, grit your teeth and push through it.
Wow.
What did you guys have for lunch? No, no.
I-I can't do it, Jim.
For crying out loud, Andy.
I'll--I'll help him.
Huh.
You guys are really good friends.
No.
No.
No.
Stop it.
Come on, Andy.
No.
No.
No, quit it.
I'm afraid! Just do it! Just do it! No! Get off of me! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim, are you okay? Ohh! Ohh! I think we'd better take him to the doctor.
Oh! Oh, right, I-I know just where to take him.
Aah! Ow! Why did you make him use the bathroom upstairs when you got one downstairs? Thank you.
Ow! Ow! Stop squawkin'.
You'll scare your boy.
Now I think that you need a physical therapist.
Ooh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Physical therapist.
I need my baseline checked.
Thanks, doc.
Can I get a little p.
T.
, too, doc? I'm in a lot of pain still.
You need a therapist, too? No, me--me--me first.
I don't want to go after him.
You confuse me.
Oh! I get to almost touch boobs under doctor's orders.
Thank you, my friend, for hurting me.
Did someone here need some physical therapy? It was this guy.
My name is sven.
I understand you hurt yourself on the stairs.
Yes, because he was afraid to go to the bathroom.
We're going to do some stretches on the floor.
Oh! That will fix you right up.
Boy, you're strong.
Oh! Shh, shh, shh.
No words.
We should have music.
Aah! Andy, help me! Oh, yeah.
Sure thing, Jim.
Smile.
Can you feel it? I'm trying not to.
Oh! Jim, what did the doctor say? Are you gonna be okay? I might need a shower and a bottle of whiskey.
Doc says he'll be up and around in a couple days.
Meanwhile, I'm utterly uninjured because I didn't play football.
Aah.
Which is why you deserve a reward.
I bought doughnuts.
Ooh! Ooh! Ah.
I love doughnuts.
doughnuts here, catch.
Ha.
I wasn't ready.
Ohh.
Um, aim for my mouth.
Oh! You know, this is strange.
You know, this morning you promised me that you wouldn't play snow football, but now this afternoon you're acting weird and moving funny like Maybe you did.
Uh uh, well, uh Andy, be careful.
This may be a trap.
Oh! Aah.
Aah! Oh, was that a-a bear claw? And jelly Stop.
Stop it! Stop wasting doughnuts.
You played football, didn't you? You know what? Damn right he did.
It was his duty as a man.
You're gonna thank me later for it.
Oh, why don't I thank you now? I caught it.
That sven does good work.
Mandy, Mandy, i--look, no, no, no, I can explain.
I don't want an explanation, okay? In fact, I don't want to talk to you at all.
All I want is some time alone to think about things.
Well, sorry, Andy.
I gotta tell you, I know you're new at relationships, but rule number three It's a bad sign when they say they have to think about things.
Oh, god.
Sexy Mandy's dumping pathetic Andy.
Mmm.
Eventually, but she's out in the driveway right now.
R-really? Mm-hmm.
She's gonna come back in here in a minute just to make sure you understand how upset she really is.
Ohh.
Oh, that's great, 'cause I owe her an apology.
Andy.
Rule number four-- you never, ever apologize.
It's the most important rule.
Well, then why isn't it the first rule? This is how you handle it.
When she comes back in here, just stare at her.
Give her your best Clint Eastwood face.
Clint Eastwood? That's right.
You gotta be tough.
You gotta squint your eyes Then say nothing.
I don't know, Jim.
Nothing! Trust me.
Eventually, she'll start fighting with herself, and you're off the hook.
Get outta here.
No, wait a minute.
If you're really tough, she'll apologize to you.
Okay, that's completely insane.
You don't know what you're talking about.
I don't think you understand just how upset I am.
Go ahead, Andy Make my day.
You said you wanted to talk.
So talk.
You know, I specifically asked you not to play snow football, but you did it anyway, and look what happened.
You got hurt.
I mean, true, true, you are a grown man, and you can make your own decisions.
It's just that I care about you so much, but you know what? You're right.
You're right.
I should just learn to respect you and not treat you like a child.
Oh, it's all my fault.
I'm sorry.
That'll do.
Excuse me? Uh, I mean, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you.
Andy! Come on, don't cave in! That's rule number five! Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, you--you--you shut up, huh? You Clint your way, I'll Clint mine.
Okay, honey, let's get you back to your house.
You know, you probably need some physical therapy.
Oh, yeah! I know some exercises I want to show ya.
Idiot.
Door's open.
Hey, Jim, it's me Your new friend sven.
Good news--your insurance covers home therapy.
I'm fine! I'm fine! I don't need any therapy.
Look! Look! I'm fine! And so the game begins.