Beavis and Butt-Head (1993) s08e12 Episode Script

[beavis and butt-head theme song plays.]
[both laughing.]
Whores! Fornicators! Whores! Fornicators! Abort the clinic now! Whoa, huh-huh.
Fornicators! Whores! Stop abortion! Fornicators! Whores! Uh, what is this place? Here you are, son.
You can read all about it.
Uh, no.
Did you say there were whores in there? Well, boys, you tell me.
Those women that are going in there Have had sexual relations outside of a marriage.
And that is the bible definition of a whore.
Whores! Fornicators! Cool.
Yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, whores! Whores.
Hold on a second.
[chuckles.]
Now, I do appreciate your enthusiasm, boys.
It's wonderful to see young boys interested In doing the lord's work.
But I think you might be a little bit off on the tone.
Now, you just watch me.
Whores! Fornicators! The lord commands you to repent! See that? That's how it's done.
Whoa.
Hey, beavis, I just thought of something.
If there's whores in there, This must be a whorehouse.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah! Heh-heh, a whorehouse! A whorehouse.
Huh-huh.
Yeah! Heh-heh.
You know, I always thought there should be a whorehouse here.
[chimes ring.]
yeah.
Fornicators! Whores! Fornicators! Whores! I want to be a billionaire so frickin' bad buy all of the things I never had Whoa, beavis.
It's your mom.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
[both laughing.]
I wonder how many tricks she'd have to turn To become a billionaire.
My mom? Uh, let's see.
Um, it'll be, um-- heh-heh.
That'll be, um-- heh-heh.
Let's see, um, 25 times, um, heh-heh-- I mean, divided by, um-- Heh-heh.
Um How many is a billion? Uh, I think it's, like, a million.
Huh-huh.
Um, oh, yeah, yeah.
the world better prepare for when I'm a billionaire Butt-head: Boy, this guy really wants to be a billionaire.
Well, everybody does, but-- But, um, this guy really wants to.
Yeah.
Huh-huh.
Finally somebody had the balls to just say it, huh-huh.
give away a few mercedes, like, "here lady, have this" and last but not least grant somebody their last wish Butt-head: I think they didn't even have enough money To make it look like they were billionaires.
you can call me travie claus minus the ho-ho I want to be on the cover of Butt-head: You're not gonna make a billion dollars Dancing like that.
Huh-huh.
Yeah, really.
Heh-heh.
what up, oprah? ha ha! Beavis: You know, um, I really hope these guys Do become billionaires, you know? Because, um-- heh-heh.
'cause, you know, most rich people Don't deserve it, you know? But these guys-- these guys, um-- Heh-heh.
I don't know.
I just, uh, really think, um, heh-heh, They should have a billion dollars.
Yeah.
Heh-heh.
Maybe dance a little better, but, you know.
for when I'm a billionaire Whores! Fornicators! Whores! Fornicators! So that dude must have started his own whorehouse.
Yeah, yeah, wow.
Heh-heh.
Why didn't we think of that? Heh-heh.
Damn it.
Whores! Fornicators! Here you go.
You boys are gonna need a sign.
Yeah, we'll help you get the word out.
Yeah, yeah.
We really appreciate what you're doing here, you know? It's just great.
[chuckles.]
well, I'm just glad there are people your age As passionate as I am about putting fallen women On the righteous path, boys.
That's what we're all about here.
Whores! Fornicators! Yeah.
Huh-huh.
On a path where they've fallen on my wiener.
[both laughing.]
Yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Come on, beavis, let's do this.
Oh, hang on there, fellas.
[chuckles.]
Now, legally, we cannot get any closer, And I cannot legally encourage you to do so.
However, people have engaged in "civil disobedience.
" Uh Heh-heh.
Ahh.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I got you.
Say no more, sir.
Huh-huh.
This is gonna be cool.
Heh-heh, yeah.
We're finally gonna do it! It's really gonna happen! Yeah.
Stop right there.
Uh, don't worry, dude.
We're cool.
Yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
You--you can just let us in.
Please step back onto the sidewalk.
Uh, we know the owner.
Huh-huh.
So I'm gonna have to ask you to go ahead and step aside.
Yeah, just step aside.
Heh-heh.
We don't have a lot of time.
Heh-heh.
I'm busy.
If you do not step back onto the sidewalk, I will have to escort you off the property.
Escorts? Huh-huh.
Have you done 'em already? This is your final warning.
Yeah.
So how did you get this job, anyway? Yeah, really.
Are there fringe benefits? Huh-huh.
Whew.
I have warned you as required by law.
Now I have the right to forcibly restrain you.
Uh! No! No! We need to go inside! Damn it, butthole.
I'll kick your ass.
[both grunting.]
Whores! Fornicators! Ah! Uh! What? Just stay here off clinic property, And we won't have any trouble.
Uh, so are the whores gonna come out here, then? Yes, the "whores" will come out eventually.
Cool.
Yeah, yeah, heh-heh.
So are we just gonna, like, um, Do it with them right here, then? As long as I get to have sex, I don't care where it is.
What? You know, I actually prefer to do it in public, see? Because then everybody will, um, witness, And then I won't have to, like, tell 'em, And they'll believe me.
What in tarnation? Now, you see that? You mean to tell me that these two wholesome boys Spent a minute with you in front of that satan's den [chimes ring.]
With those whores and fornicators, And they've become a-- Gah! Ah! I gave my legally required warning.
Whoa, cool.
Gah! Gah! Yeah, yeah, turn it up! Hit him again! Yeah, yeah, heh-heh.
Cool! [both laughing.]
Yeah, yeah, get him! Hey, now-- now you get your-- Whoa.
Hey, beavis.
Check it out.
Huh-huh.
[chimes ring.]
The coast is clear.
Huh-huh.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
We're gonna be fornicators.
Yeah, finally! Heh-heh.
About time.
Heh-heh.
Uh, I don't like the way he's looking at me.
Huh-huh.
Yeah, heh-heh.
Yeah, come on, you want to start something? Yeah, heh-heh.
Yeah, it's like his lower jaw sticks out Further than his upper jaw.
Huh-huh.
You kind of look like that, too, beavis.
Huh-huh.
No, I don't.
Heh-heh.
This guy's, like, trying to make his voice Scratchier than it is.
even whores can fall for someone Butt-head: [imitating jake walden.]
even whores fall for someone Huh-huh.
Anyway, beavis, your lower jaw sticks out Further than your upper jaw just like this dude.
Huh-huh.
Damn it, butt-head.
It does not.
Heh-heh.
I think that's part of the reason You look so stupid.
Huh-huh.
No way, butt-head.
Heh-heh.
I look cool.
Heh-heh, yeah.
Heh-heh, not like this guy.
Huh-huh.
[mocking.]
"uhh.
" Yeah.
[both laughing.]
So if that chick's the whore, um, Who's the pimp? It sure as hell isn't this guy singing.
Huh-huh.
I'm not tryin' to tear you down Yeah, her pimp's like, "you better go "find me some money, you understand me? We playin' games?" Heh-heh, yeah.
Heh-heh.
from my heart Are you listening, beavis? He speaks from the heart.
Huh-huh.
He speaks from his butt.
Yeah, heh-heh.
You know, beavis, He actually kind of sounds like you, too.
Shut up, butt-head! tell 'em go and search for someone Butt-head: Uh, huh-huh.
Look at his face.
Huh-huh.
[gags.]
Ah! Ah! That was horrible! I think maybe you need to listen to it again, beavis.
Butt-head, do not rewind it.
[dvr beeps.]
Maybe you're not listening with your heart.
No, no, no.
Come on, butt-head, no, don't.
No, don't rewind it.
Come on! Butt-head, no! return to me Ah! No! Come on, butt-head, no! No, no! Heh-heh.
I have said all I have to say.
Damn it, butt-head.
Ugh.
I need to go throw up.
Uh, hello? Huh-huh.
[ringing bell.]
whores? Fornicators? Yeah, heh-heh.
Whores! Fornicators! Heh-heh.
Hmm! [ringing bell.]
Yeah.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, cool.
Heh-heh.
Uh, hey, baby.
Huh-huh.
Are you one of the ones who, like, does it? Yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Keep 'em coming.
I'm next.
[sighs.]
I just answer the phone.
He's the one who does it.
Hey, guys.
[door closes.]
uh, what? Huh-huh.
It's a man-whore.
Oh, damn it! This is a dude whorehouse, beavis.
Let's get out of here.
Damn it! I really thought it was gonna happen this time.
They finally build a whorehouse here, And it's a dude whorehouse.
Yeah, really.
That's why all those chicks were coming in and out of here.
Yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Wait a minute, beavis.
Huh-huh.
We should get a job here.
Huh-huh.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh, yeah, yeah! Hey, look.
It's that dude.
Let's fill out an application.
Heh-heh, yeah.
Uh, hey.
How's it going? Uh, hey.
Huh-huh.
Remember us? I have warned you as required by law.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Now I have the right to forcibly restrain you.
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Um, yeah, but could we fill out an applica-- Ah! We want to fill out an app-- Uh-uh! [both screaming.]
[heavy metal riff.]
[beavis and butt-head theme song plays.]
[car e engine turns.]
[beavis and butt-head laughing.]
It won't be long now, beavis.
Soon we will hear her voice.
Yeah, heh-heh.
This is gonna be cool.
Heh-heh.
It's a long walk, but, you know, it's worth it.
Yeah, huh-huh.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ng! [both laughing.]
Okay.
Huh-huh.
Get ready, beavis.
Yeah, heh-heh.
[elevator bell rings.]
"p.
" heh-heh.
Here she comes.
Going down.
[both laughing.]
"going down.
" Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ng! P-1, going down.
[both laughing.]
"going down.
" heh-heh.
"going down.
" Number two, please.
Huh-huh.
"number two.
" [both laughing.]
Uh, okay.
Huh-huh.
There's something I want you to hear first.
Yeah, yeah.
P-2, going down.
[both laughing.]
No, I said "two.
" Uh, okay.
Huh-huh.
Here you go.
Heh-heh, yeah.
[elevator bell rings rapidly.]
what? What are you-- [electricity crackles.]
[thud.]
Oh, god.
Are we stuck? Uh Heh-heh.
Hmm.
Hmm, huh? Oh, let's play kickball! All right.
This is first base.
Second base That's third base.
And this is home.
Butt-head: Hmm.
Heh-heh.
What's going on here? Heh-heh.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, um-- it's like something's wrong.
Like, they're not having sex and they're not fighting.
Yeah.
[laughs.]
uh This must be like a very special episode or something.
Uh, that ball needs a tan.
Heh-heh.
[laughs.]
Pauly d's like, "hey, what's going on up here?" Heh-heh.
"everybody's downstairs getting it on.
" Heh-heh.
"you guys either start fighting Or get down to the smush room now.
" And pulled together some basic, Household jersey shore Boy.
Man, they're not going to fight or have sex.
They're just going to put tubes together.
[laughs.]
Uh, I'm kind of tired.
[laughs.]
UhHeh-heh.
Just going to lay down here a second.
[snores.]
Snooki! You said lick it.
Lick--lick--stick it? What? Lick it? Lick what? Are they having sex yet? UhNo.
Heh-heh.
[girls cheer.]
beavis: Yay, yay, yay! Yeah, now let's all have sex! Yeah! [laughs.]
hey.
They should have, like, a p.
A.
System And a voice just comes on and says, "everybody report to the smush room.
Immediately.
" Beavis: "make sure you are dtf.
Thank you.
" [laughs.]
hey.
Like macgyver, mission--success.
Yay! Damn it, beavis.
Now look what you did.
Hit the alarm.
The red button.
Uh, we've hit that one before.
She doesn't say anything.
Yeah.
Heh-heh.
See? Try that phone down there.
Let's see if we can get security.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh, yeah.
Good idea.
Here we go.
Just gonna make a call here.
Heh-heh.
[humming.]
It's ringing.
Heh-heh.
Hello? Hey, how's it going? Um, we're stuck on an elevator with this girl, and, um-- Uh-huh? Um, yeah, yeah, she's pretty hot.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[sighs.]
give me the phone.
I'll talk to them.
Yeah, dumbass.
Give it to her.
You know what I'm saying? Uh! [grunts.]
Cut it out, butthole! Damn it! I'm having a conversation.
Oh, god.
Beavis: I'll kick your ass all over this elevator.
Damn it! [grunts.]
Hello? [phone beeps.]
great.
No reception.
Yeah.
Huh-huh.
Listen, I think that roof panel comes off Uh-huh? And we can get out that way.
I'll get on top of you You'll what? [both laughing.]
And we can build a three-way boost.
Heh-heh.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hey.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ng! Huh-huh, "three-way.
" Hey! Hey! Shut up! [both stop laughing.]
[sighs.]
okay, listen Do you guys want to have sex? UhOkay.
Yeah, yeah! Heh-heh.
I mean, if it's not too much trouble, you know? Okay.
Here's how we're gonna do it.
One of you gets down on all fours, Then the other gets on top of him in the same position.
Whatever you say, baby.
Heh-heh, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, just like that.
Huh-huh.
Ow.
Heh-heh, damn it.
Ow.
Butthole.
That's right, baby.
Ugh.
Get on up there.
Ow.
I can't believe our luck.
This is gonna be cool.
[laughs.]
Where is she, butt-head? Heh-heh.
Uh, I don't know.
Huh-huh.
Maybe she met a couple other dudes.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this sucks.
Heh-heh.
Um, I'm getting kind of tired, butt-head.
Can we switch? You dumbass.
It won't work that way.
Don't you know anything about making love? Huh-huh.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
[rock music plays.]
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
How long has it been, butt-head? "long.
" huh-huh.
I'm hungry-- Huh-huh-- and thirsty.
Yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Really.
What are we supposed to eat in here? This elevator is stupid.
Yeah, heh-heh.
Yeah, and it's stuck too.
We're gonna die.
[both laughing.]
[coughs.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fire! Fire! Fire.
Heh-heh.
Eh.
UhHuh-huh.
Hmm.
Huh-huh.
Oh, boy.
Heh-heh.
Uh, I think they're making soup.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, um-- You know what they always say about soup, butt-head.
It's always better the next day.
You know what I mean? Heh-heh.
Wonder if, um-- Wonder if they put soup in this video Because, um, this is, like-- Maybe this is, like, one of those songs That sounds better, like, The second time you hear it.
Uh, no.
I saw this video yesterdrday.
It sucks worse now.
Huh-huh.
Oh.
Heh-heh.
You know the thing about soup is It just goes right through you.
It really does.
Uh, no, it doesn't.
Yeah, yeah, for me it does.
Heh-heh, that's why I like it, you know? Gives me something to do.
[laughs.]
Uh That cook should really wear a hairnet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, really.
And a beard-net too, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Wouldn't want one of those butt hairs in my soup.
Huh-huh.
When they have friends over for soup, They make 'em listen to this song first.
[laughs.]
Yeah, "come on over.
We're making soup.
" Yeah, heh-heh.
And then they're like, "you're not gonna make us listen to that song again, are you?" [both laughing.]
And they're like, um, "I don't know.
You know, just while it's warming up maybe, you know?" Heh-heh.
"come on.
" Huh-huh.
"the soup's warming up.
Don't worry.
" [laughs.]
"you call this soup, woman?" Huh-huh.
Yeah, yeah.
"go to the store And get me some progresso, biatch!" "this soup tastes worse Than these songs you write.
" huh-huh.
Yeah, heh-heh.
It goes right through you.
Heh-heh.
[laughs.]
I don't want to die.
Well, beavis, huh-huh, I think we have to, like, resort to "caminalism.
" What's that? Uh, it's like in that movie alive-- We have to, like, start eating ourselves.
Really? Heh-heh.
I don't want to eat myself.
No, it's like we got to eat each other's legs and stuff.
So I'm gonna eat your leg first--huh-huh-- 'cause I'm hungrier.
Huh-huh.
Okay.
But before I eat your leg, I'm gonna have to kill you.
Okay, but I mean, I get to kill you next, Because I'm hungry too.
Uh, okay.
[laughs.]
Dumbass.
So how are you gonna kill me? Uh, by kicking your ass.
[laughs.]
Aah! Aah! Wait a minute, butt-head.
Aah! [laughs.]
If you kill me to eat my leg first, Then how am I gonna kill you to eat your leg If I'm already killed? Uh [laughs.]
I don't know.
Aah! Damn it! Hey! All right, I'm gonna kill you first.
Aah! Aah! Aah! [growling.]
Damn it, beavis.
Uhh! [groans.]
[bell dings.]
UhHuh-huh.
Hey, how's it going? Huh-huh.
Are you going down? Huh-huh.
Uh, yeah.
P-2, please.
[both laughing.]
P-2, going down.
Heh-heh.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ng.
Huh-huh.