Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e12 Episode Script

Male narrator: It's the final Last Comic Standing at the Saban Theatre.
Legends like Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal have prowled this stage.
Will a legend be born tonight? Three comics, armed only with a microphone and their low self-esteem, will try to make their mark and claim the crown they covet most.
veteran Rod Man cruised through to the finals with his jokes about long-ass receipts, confident breasts, and his affinity for the carpool lane.
Tonight, can he take the fast track to triumph? And what color will the sleeves on his show shirt be? No Canadian has ever won America's comedy championship.
Will Lachlan Patterson answer the call? A victory would mean he'd never have to walk a dog again, or clean up after one.
Only one woman has won the title of Last Comic Standing.
Nikki Carr is within striking distance of becoming the second.
Will she seize the moment, punctuated by a victory dance? Rod Man.
Patterson.
Carr.
The final night of Last Comic Standing starts right now.
We began the season with 100 of America's finest comics.
Wow.
Narrator: All with dreams of being the Last Comic Standing.
Come on.
Stand up! Narrator: Throughout the season the competition has been fierce.
You could kill yourself eatin' celery.
[Yells.]
Narrator: We've witnessed gut-busting performances Could you imagine Oprah Winfrey in the underground rail road? Freedom! I would turn this robbery into a homicide.
Narrator: And watched celebrity mentors Ask me anything.
Narrator: And our powerhouse judges You're the next level, and I loved it.
Narrator: Guide the comics on their journey.
You would be my pick for set of the night.
That was hot.
That was the funniest thing I've ever heard.
Narrator: We've traveled a long road Oh, my goodness! Narrator: And seen a lot of unforgettable comedy You've been telling jokes since you were 15 years old.
Keep it up.
You're bound to tell a funny one one day.
Narrator: In a season that refuses to go quietly.
The judges are deadlocked.
Narrator: And tonight, it'll be louder than ever.
Wow.
Narrator: We'll have special performances by the comic comeback winner, and by international stand-up star, Russell Peters, and comedy legend Roseanne Barr.
You're welcome, America.
Narrator: And then get set for the ultimate title fight I would like to buy a backwards "k" with a line on top.
Well, it's about damn time, don't you think? Put that back in the water, right there.
Narrator: As the final three attempt to deliver the performances of a lifetime.
You were pacing that stage like a panther ready to attack.
Narrator: One of them will be the winner of $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
For a night this big, you need a host with as much stature as possible.
Give it up for old beanstalk himself, J.
B.
Smoove.
Ah! Ha-ha.
That's right.
I'm your handsome host, J.
B.
Smoove, bringing you the word of the day.
And the word is "finale.
" It's been quite a ride but the runway is in sight, and we're about to land this thing, baby.
semi-finals, challenges, and the winner will take it all in the comedy battle tonight! Right now, let's say hello to our judges, Last Comic Standing's star-makers.
The professor, Mr.
Keenen Ivory Wayans! The road warrior himself, Mr.
Russell Peters.
And finally, Miss Roseanne! I know the comics must be nervous.
As judges, are you feeling any butterflies? Keenen? Tonight is a very exciting night.
I'm really lookin' forward to seein' who wins.
I mean, we we are as unsure as the audience, and tonight's sets are gonna prove it all.
R.
P.
? We're down to our last three and when I look into the audience, and I see all of the guys and girls, good to see you all back, it's exciting for everybody, and it's actually a little harder than people think, because not only are you performing your last set of this show, you're performing in front of a bunch of comics, which is always harder than you want it to be.
Oh, yeah.
That's true, yeah.
Roseanne.
Well, it's so exciting.
And I I'm sure that the competitors are, like, really amped up and, you know, scared and nervous and, you know, that kind of makes you, I think, be a better performer.
So I think we're gonna see the best stuff we've seen yet.
Here's how the title fight is gonna go down tonight.
First, all three of these comics will perform.
Then the judges will choose two of them to perform one final time for the title.
At the end of the night, one of them will be named the Last Comic Standing.
Are you ready for the first finalist of the night? Take a look at my boy, Lachlan Patterson.
My favorite food is buffet.
Imagine if they put waiters in buffet restaurants, trying to intercept you on your trip up there? What can I get for ya? The hell out of my way.
Lachlan is the guy who, you know, you want to be in class with 'cause you know he's gonna say somethin' funny.
He's very sarcastic.
His material is very different.
He takes a left turn when you think he's gonna go right.
If they did design video games for women, they'd have some advantages.
Like if you screwed up the game would just let you keep playin', but it'd never let you forget what you did wrong earlier.
No.
I enjoy watching to see just how he's gonna bring it home.
And I think you could take this whole contest.
Oh.
This experience has transformed me.
These challenges have taught me a lot about myself.
Winning comic, Lachlan Patterson! Are you kidding me, dude? Lachlan Patterson! It's the finals.
I'm ready.
Make some noise for the tall guy himself, Lachlan Patterson! Hey, how's it goin'? Oh, man.
I couldn't sleep last night, you guys.
It was started watchin' TV.
That's when TV gets good, really late at night, when the warnings come on.
"Warning: The following show contains nudity.
Viewer discretion is advised.
" First of all, you don't have to warn me about nudity.
I'll be ready for it, I promise.
That nudity is my favorite.
Are you kidding me? Should say, "congratulations: The following show contains nudity.
" I mean.
Want to warn me, have the warning be more specific.
"Warning: The following show contains nudity.
Did you lock the door?" Oh! That's a good warning.
All right.
"Warning: The following show does not contain nudity.
" That's what it should say.
All right, I guess I'm not watchin' the news.
I watch cooking shows a lot.
I don't try to cook along with them 'cause I just don't own enough dishes, and it gets really terrible.
What the hell's a ramekin, lady? No one has no one has two ovens.
I'm not a prince, relax.
Three cups of sugar? How far up the pickle jar is that, huh? I'm starving.
Never watch cooking shows at, like, 'Cause they're not cookin' for you.
They're still cookin' daytime food for some reason.
The lady'll walk out, "tonight we're gonna show you how to make a wedding cake, so stick around.
" No, I'm going to bed hungry.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Just so you know, people who watch TV at 3:00 in the morning usually don't own flour, okay? Yeah.
You might want to know that.
If you're making wedding cake at 3:00 in the morning, you have a serious methamphetamine addiction.
You're probably not ready for marriage.
Thanks, guys.
cooking shows should just have a guy walk out in his underwear with a cigarette and a beer.
"We're making cheese on a bun, so stick around.
" "If you don't have cheese just use butter, and we're gonna start with some ketchup soup, so preheat your microwave to auto-defrost.
" Oh, my God, I have I have that button.
I watch I watch a lot of game shows.
I don't try to guess along with them 'cause I just I don't want to feel like an idiot in my own living room/bedroom, man.
It's not cool.
No, it's my private space.
I found out that wheel of fortune is a franchise.
They have them in all different countries and different languages, and I think I'd be better at wheel of fortune Czech Republic, 'cause at least there'd be no vowels to buy, right? You could just be standin' there behind the wheel, "yes, Patrick, I would like to buy a backwards "k" with a line on top.
" "Oh, my God, there are 12 in this word.
"I cannot.
"It is practically solved already.
"This is unbelievable.
"My back is killing me.
There's so many.
" And then you just mumble something, "eh, cheversnevishkya.
" "Congratulations! This is good.
"You win again.
You can have your family back now.
" "Oh, my God.
" You guys, thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
That was Lachlan Patterson! What I want to say to Lachlan is and to the audience, what you guys saw in the past five minutes was somebody who wants it.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Yeah.
This this was a tough, tough spot to be in.
You came out, and you were pacing that stage like a panther ready to attack, and it was like, from the beginning I knew you were gonna turn it up, and you did.
And the material was great.
The animation was great.
I'm glad you had that in your back pocket, 'cause it served you well.
- Great set.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks, bro.
Man, Lachlan, you you shocked me again.
Your name should be Shocklan.
Oh, thanks, bro.
You know, you were way more animated this time, and it really, really worked for you.
Thanks, bro.
And I've never heard you do an impression or an accent before in your entire act, and that again impressed me.
And everything about that set was everything I hoped that set would be for you.
Dude.
You came out and I've been like you know, like Russell.
I'm pleasantly surprised - Thank you.
- And you brought it up a whole, like, ten notches, and it's gonna be harder than hell.
- Sorry.
- Yes, it is.
Good job.
Thanks, Roseanne.
Let's hear it for Lachlan Patterson, right there.
Last Comic Standing will be right back with a performance from Nikki Carr, so don't go anywhere.
Man, he came swingin'.
His set, this is one of the best sets that I've seen throughout the competition.
- Yeah, he brought it.
- Yeah.
"I need to prove that I belong here.
" He did.
- And that's what he did.
- He did.
Narrator: Coming up, it's Nikki Carr, medicine woman.
The foot doctor, he said I had athlete's feet because I do not dry my feet when I get out of the shower.
I know that's a lie.
I don't dry my body, either.
How come it's not athletic, too? Narrator: And later, the judges make their first big decision of the night.
Find out which two comics will perform for the title.
The judges have made a decision.
Hey, we got company.
What's up? Oh, look at this.
Oh, man.
Good to see you.
You look like a limo driver.
Good to see you, man.
Good to see you, Joe.
Same here, good luck tonight.
Oh, it's so great see you, bro.
- Hey, Rock.
- Good luck, brother.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
We come to do it.
We come to do it.
Everybody looks so nice.
Come in here, I look like a valet.
How you feelin'? You feelin' good? - Yeah, man.
- Good luck, everyone.
[Overlapping chatter.]
Congratulations.
And thank you.
We have long last life-lasting friendships.
Go kick ass.
This has been nice.
I've enjoyed seeing y'all again.
- Look at the time.
- Look at the time.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing, the season finale.
And it ain't over yet.
It ain't over by a long shot.
Right now it's time for our second finalist to perform.
Are you ready? Okay, check out my girl, Nikki Carr.
You know, people still want to give me advice on things to do to be more sexy? So they say, "well, change the things that you eat.
Stop eating pork " I said, " stop right there! I love pork.
Pork is delicious.
" Nikki Carr got me right out of the gate.
I really liked your presence, and I liked your energy.
And I like the stuff that you talk about.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Good job, Nikki.
- Thank you.
Nikki Carr is just like this ball of energy.
She comes out, she lays everything on the line, and she is an audience favorite, for sure, because she's so raw, and she's so honest, that you have to go on the ride with her.
True story, after nine years, my boss just gon' walk in my office, wake me up and tell me to go home and don't never come back.
Nikki Carr is, like, a huge personality, and her charisma fills every bit of empty space in the room.
You have so much power, so much swagger.
I love you.
Thank you, I love you back.
The things that I've learned have been invaluable.
The experience will go with me for the rest of my life.
The winner is Nikki Carr.
I'm in the finals.
This is, like, the most important set of my life.
This is it.
Give it up for Nikki Carr! Hey! How 'bout a round of applause for my birthday, please? Please, can I get some birthday love up in here? Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It's September 30th.
But when you get to be my age, you celebrate from the last one to the next one.
I'll be 52 this year.
Come on, now, that's more than half my life gone already, and I say that because I don't want to be 100.
When you 100 and you die, people don't be sad.
They get the news, "you know, Nikki died.
" They be like, "well, it's about damn time, don't you think?" I want to go when I'm 99.
Then they'll be sad.
They'll be like, "man.
If she'd have just lived one more year.
" It's true.
And to make sure I'm healthy, I made appointments to see every doctor, from the podiatrist to the psychiatrist.
'Cept I'm gonna save the psychiatrist for last so when I get to her office, I just kick the door open.
Bow! "What up, Doc? I started at the bottom, now I'm here.
" But unfortunately the foot doctor shut all that down for me.
Told me a lie right to my face.
Said I had athlete's feet.
But wait, he said I have athlete's feet because I do not dry my feet when I get out of the shower.
I know that's a lie.
I don't dry my body, either.
How come it's not athletic, too? I'm serious.
There's nothing athletic about me at all.
I don't bend my legs to put my shoes on.
I open 'em up real wide, throw 'em on the floor, and dance in 'em until I get 'em all the way on.
Though I will admit, since being here in L.
A.
, I have been going to the gym every single day.
Yup.
Well well, his name is James, but we all call him Jim.
Yeah, he dresses us.
That's real.
I love goin' to that Jim, 'cause there ain' no stretchin' or nothin' like that involved.
I'm tellin' you, that's why I was a terrible heterosexual.
I'm serious.
Because I don't like to stretch.
I really, really hate that position.
You know, you're makin' whoopee, then all of the sudden you want to stop, take your legs, pull 'em way, way up over your head? I can't breathe like that.
We gonna make love or you came to change my diaper? What is wrong with you? That's my time, y'all.
I'm Nikki Carr.
Thank you.
Nikki Carr! Roseanne, what did you think of Nikki's set? Could she be walkin' away with the 2-5-0 Gs? Well, you know, it wouldn't surprise me if that happened at all.
Thank you.
But here's what I want to say about what you did, and what I've seen you do all all the time, every time you've been up there.
Man, the presence and the charisma that you have fills up every square inch of this room.
Hilarious, I love that you don't like to stretch.
I love that so much, you don't even know.
R.
P.
? You know, Nikki, you killed me with the going to the "Jim," 'cause she did not make that up.
The wardrobe guy's name is Jim.
That's why I fell out.
That had me, right there.
You know, a joke is funny, and then when the joke is real, and you know it's real, it's twice as funny.
And you're 52.
That's more impressive than anything, throughout all this.
I did not think you were 52, - that's - Thank you.
It was a great set.
I couldn't have hoped for a better set for you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Keenen? Uh-oh.
Well, first of all I have to say you look beautiful tonight.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yes, I made fun of your I made fun of your shirt the other night, but tonight you you look stunning, and that's a very nice look for you - Thank you.
- So keep that going.
Thank you, I really appreciate that, 'cause I feel good.
- Yes.
- I feel like Nikki Carr.
Yeah.
That's right.
Well, you know, what's interesting is, you're like the rocky of this competition.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
From from day one, we've not that there's been any doubt.
It's always been surprise.
It's like each time, and then we think, "oh, boy, can she do this again?" And here you come.
You come out, and you do it every night.
And part of it is what you say all the time, which is that you love to make people laugh.
And what we get from you each time is you just love being here, and therefore we love seeing you here.
Good job.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you! That was Nikki Carr, everybody! When we return, Rod Man will take the stage.
Stay tuned! She's so charming, man.
Yeah.
- It's just like - I wrote a note.
I said she has presence like Christmas.
That's great, yeah, she does too.
You know what it is? It's like she can't bomb.
Like she could never she can never bomb.
She may start off slow because the audience may be stiff, but she'll win 'em over every time.
Yeah, the material tonight was very funny.
The joke about being a bad heterosexual 'cause she doesn't like to stretch was very funny.
She's a really good writer.
- I mean - yeah.
Narrator: Coming up, is it the end of the road for Rod Man? All right, Keenen, talk to Rod Man.
Is he still standing? I I didn't.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Comin' to the stage right now is Rod Man.
Take a look.
I'm a member of all the drug stores, and they tell me imma get a reward, but I never get anything at all.
I just yeah.
All I get is a long receipt.
That's all I get.
I thought I was fillin' out taxes one time, the lady gave me so much receipt.
Rod Man has this "man confused about the world" style.
He picks on all the little things that we all are annoyed by, but he does it with his little country flavor, and it's it's just very funny.
I was ridin' good in the carpool lane one day, and a little Police on a motorcycle, he came up to the car and he like, "sir, you can't be in this lane unless you have another occupant in the vehicle.
" And I say, "well, you don't have another occupant on your motorcycle, so.
" Rod Man has his own language, basically.
And not only does America speak his language, they speak it fluently, and he annihilates.
Bam, with an uppercut and a left hook, and it was good night, chico.
Amazing set, Rod Man.
You grab the audience right away.
You never let go.
You never back down.
The things you do buildin' up to this point, each talent, each stand-up performance, everything prepares you.
Rod Man! I've done my preparation.
I'm gonna do what I came to do.
I will be the Last Comic Standing.
Put your hands together and show some love for Rod Man.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Man, it's beautiful, beautiful.
I got to say right off the bat, and we're in California, so I got to say I love the Mexican people.
I love the Mexican people.
Love y'all, man.
Every time people say, "send Mexican people back to Mexico," I say, "no, that's just not right.
" That's all I'm sayin'.
No, 'cause I live when I first moved to California, I lived in a all-Mexican neighborhood.
Beautiful people, won't go to bed for nothin'.
Stay up all night.
I don't know why ya'll won't go to bed.
The kids up all night just jumpin'.
Just jumpin'.
Hola, hola, hola, that's all I hear all night, but I love 'em, 'cause they family-oriented.
They hustlers by nature.
They'll knock on your door and try to sell you anything at any time.
Yeah, lady knocked on my door, and tried to sell me some tamales, and I had never seen a tamale hustler before, 'cause she just knocked on doors.
She's like, "sir, would you like hot tamales?" And I was like, "at the door? "At the door? Is this what we're doin' with tamales?" And she didn't even have the tamales with her.
She wanted me to take her word that they were in the car.
That's what she said, "I go get the tamales.
" I said, "no, this transaction pretty much over right here, so.
" Yeah, and a lady knocked on my door, try to sell me a comforter.
I don't got a problem buyin' a comforter, but she was just holdin' it up.
Just and she was like, "it's brand-new," and I said, "well, that look like it just come off yo' bed, right there.
So that is not brand-new at all.
You got to fold that and try to trick me, or somethin'.
Fold that and try to trick me.
" Yeah, but I love them, and the big seller in the neighborhood was corn.
I had never knew that corn yeah, corn on the cob.
Big seller in the neighborhood.
I never knew that.
I had seen corn kernels over the neighborhood, I was like, "man, there's a lot of corn kernels in the neighborhood.
" But the lady says there's a horn that comes around, so she says, "listen out for the horn.
" So one day I'm in the livin' room and I hear a horn, like, "hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
Hmm-hmm-hmm.
" Yeah.
And I thought it was the emergency broadcastin' system or something.
I didn't know what was goin' on.
So I said, "man, we got to get out.
We got to get out.
" But I go outside, and there's, like, a cart.
There's a corn cart, and they got all kind of products on the cart.
It ain't just corn.
They got mangos, snow cones.
Yeah, they got mangos, snow cone, they got some things around the cart that look like funyons.
They look like funyons.
Look just like funyons, but, yeah.
But they they tricked me they tricked me on the funyons, 'cause I was like, "man, let me get a bag of your funyons.
" I know yeah, I know it's different packaging.
I know it's different packaging, but I was like, and he said, "my friend, a bag of funyons?" I said, "yeah.
" So he gave me a bag of funyons.
Opened up my funyons before I said anything and started just puttin' hot sauce all on my funyons.
Just and I was like, "no, my friend.
" I was like, "that's that's yo' bag, right there.
That's yo' bag, 'cause you can't just bust my bag open, and he was like, "try corn, my friend.
" And I was like, "I never ate corn outside.
All my corn has been ate indoors.
I never had outdoor corn.
" So I said, "what the hell, let me give it a shot.
" So I said, "let me get one corn.
" And he's like, "the works, my friend?" I'm like, "I don't know what the works is on corn.
" And he just started puttin' mayonnaise all on my corn, and I was like, "no.
No, my friend, no.
" I'm like, "put that put that back in the water, right there.
Put that back in the water.
Rinse all that off.
Rinse all that off.
You don't you don't do corn like that.
" I been Rod Man, man.
Bring me love.
Thank y'all, man.
'Preciate it.
'Preciate it.
We workin'.
We workin'.
That was Rod Man! Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
All right, Keenen.
Talk to Rod Man.
Is he still standing? Said a lot of words.
I I didn't.
Rod Man's absolutely standing.
I love the outfit, brother.
Ah, yeah, man.
You switched it up tonight.
I was inspired by meteor man, your brother, yeah.
I was gonna say, all it's missin' is the helmet.
That's it.
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
I really enjoyed your set.
A testament to how funny you are, I didn't know you were saying "corn.
" I thought you were saying "coins," and I was still laughin'.
And then and then you were saying "funyons," and I thought you were saying "fungus," and I was goin', "I never met a Mexican sellin' fungus.
" - But - Yeah, it's my upbringin'.
It's my upbringin'.
It's my upbringin'.
- Yeah.
- It's all good.
It makes you it makes you more charming, and more accessible to the audience, and you had a great set.
Very funny.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Rod Man, you know, you Keenen has said it to us, your charm is in the way you're confused by the world, and and the way you sell it to us, we get confused with you.
Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
You could read the phone book, and I would be roaring.
Thank you, thank you.
Here you are talking about corn.
I mean, God, you're just talkin' about corn Not porn, but corn.
Corn.
And it's hilarious.
It's hilarious.
What I love about you so much, and I hope you know that I do love you I do feel that love.
Yeah, I feel it.
I feel it.
Yeah, yeah, I feel it.
I feel it.
Yeah.
I do, I do.
What I love about you so much is that there's such a humble human being in there that, like, you know, you could get away with anything, 'cause you've got that humility and that charm, and you could just keep bringin' it.
You could probably get up there and talk about corn for another two hours, and I'd be laughing.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
You killed it.
You did great.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Let's hear it for Rod Man! Now that the three finalists have performed, the judges have to make their first big decision of the night.
When we return, we'll say goodbye to one of our final three.
Don't go anywhere.
You don't want to miss this.
I really thought it was gonna be clear-cut as to who the last two were.
I thought so too, yeah.
And it's really not that easy at all.
Very funny observations.
You know, again, the intelligence of pick a subject, mine it for everything it's worth.
I thought he did a good job.
- Like, I was laughing heartily.
- Yes, yes.
You know.
It's tough, man.
Narrator: Coming up, America's comic comeback winner, Alingon Mitra, makes his return to the big stage.
My girlfriend loves that joke.
She loves all my jokes.
She's imaginary, so.
Narrator: And then find out which comics will perform for the title.
Moving another step closer to winning Last Comic Standing is Welcome back to the season finale of Last Comic Standing.
When we started this journey 12 weeks ago, I told you that one of the big changes was that I would be the host of Last Comic Standing.
I've gone through my own little journey this whole season.
I've fallen in love with these comics.
And I like to think I've made a difference in their lives.
See for yourself.
J.
B.
Smoove is one of my favorite people on the entire Planet.
J.
B.
Smoove is one of the most energetic performers I've ever seen.
Just being around J.
B.
Smoove makes you a better person, I think.
"Foot to heinie" is the word of the night.
I didn't just want to be a host.
I knew that I could offer so much more.
So I took on many responsibilities.
It's so hard to tell whether J.
B.
's out of his mind or not.
Aha! [Laughs.]
I was there to advise them.
Your main purpose right now is to go out there and kick some ass! [Applause and cheers.]
I was there to challenge them.
You want to have an adorable contest right now before you leave, you know, do your best.
Whoa! [Laughs.]
But most of all, I was there to inspire them.
One wrong joke, and they could fall down into the comedy abyss.
Ah! And in the end, I hope that's just what I did.
You got to get back up.
You got to do whatever it takes to get yo' ass back up.
Climb, claw, do a mama joke.
Of course, if I didn't, to hell with 'em.
Wastin' my damn time.
As you can tell, I enjoyed the ride this season.
and women graced this stage.
Unfortunately, not everyone could advance.
It's a competition.
So during the season, we offered you guys the opportunity to go online and vote to bring back your favorite eliminated comic for one more performance.
It's a little thing we call the "Comic Comeback Competition.
" After many votes were cast, one deserving comic was selected.
He's here tonight to perform a guest set.
Please welcome my boy, Alingon Mitra! Thank you.
Thank you, guys, so much.
We got a lot of double standards in society.
Can we agree? Like, if you're at home, you watch a movie by yourself, it's fine.
But if you go to the movie theater and watch the same movie by yourself, suddenly it's so sad, right? Suddenly it's frowned upon to be drunk in your underpants.
Double standards, man.
If you're a peeping Tom, you're considered a freak.
You like watching animals do it, freak.
But if you're a peeping Tom who likes watching animals do it, respected photographer for National Geographic.
Double standards.
When a woman hooks up with a guy who's 10, Rawr.
When a guy tries to do that, I'm called a pedophile.
Rawr.
Yeah, my my girlfriend loves that joke, you know.
She she loves all my jokes.
She's imaginary, so.
I get embarrassed easily, you know.
Somebody uses, like, a big word, I don't know it.
Like, I was at a party, I was talkin' to this beautiful girl, so you know this joke is fake, and she was like, "these regimes in the middle east are orwellian.
" I was like, "what Is a regime?" Maybe maybe I'm naive.
I remember, in middle school, our health teacher told us committed not by a stranger, but by somebody you know.
I was so shocked when I heard that.
I was like, "80% of all rapes are committed by somebody I know? I'm in I'm in eighth grade.
I only know, like, 100 people.
" Kids are coming up to me afterwards, "you going to the sleepover?" "No, absolutely not.
" Wording's important.
Like, I don't like the word gonorrhea because it sounds like it's not there anymore.
I had an STD, now it's gonorrhea.
It's like the Italian abracadabra.
It's like, "now it's-a here, now it's-a gonorrhea.
" That is it for me.
Thank you guys very much.
Let's hear it for Alingon Mitra! When we return, we'll say goodbye to one of our final three.
Don't go anywhere, you don't want to miss this.
Narrator: And now, it's time for another list.
It's the absolutely final Top Ten Jokes of the Season.
I was in a restaurant and I heard the a man ask if the chicken was organic.
I got upset 'cause who the hell cares? But he said, "well, you know they put steroids in the chicken.
That's why they're so big.
" Yeah? I want my chicken doin' push-ups when they come to kill him.
I want the chicken with teardrops goin' down the side of his beak.
He got "cage life" written across his stomach.
He got "get fried or die tryin'" in the background.
What the hell is wrong with people? My last flight, this woman gets on the plane with a cat, and the cat has this little orange vest on it that says "therapy cat.
" Does this mean next time I fly, I can bring my companion, drinky-time squirrel? Yeah, he keeps me company so I don't have to drink alone.
I mean, he doesn't have a vest, but he is wearing a tank top that says "spring break '98.
" Most people don't know what year Lincoln was elected into office.
I do a ton of college shows.
I'm always askin' the students.
One student actually shouted out from the back of the room, "19 " I said, "stop right there.
" Turns out she was an education major.
Yeah.
Imagine her teachin' history in the future.
"In 1972, Bill Clinton freed the slaves, and Oprah Winfrey led the underground rail road.
" I mean, really.
Could you imagine Oprah Winfrey in the underground rail road? "If you look under your chairs, freedom!" "You get a map! You get a map! You get a map!" I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.
I went online to become a private detective.
It was a private detective school online.
I paid online.
Then I never heard from them again.
I thought to myself, "I either got ripped off, or this is my first case.
" I don't know who started this little program, where you check yourself out, but That is not what I'm tryin' to do.
I'm a I'm a shopper.
I came in as a shopper.
I want to leave as a shopper.
But yeah, but they trick you to be a employee and get on the clock.
The lady tricked me.
She was like, "there's no waiting over here, sir.
" And, you know, I go over there, and she just walked the hell away, and I was like, "whoa.
" I was, like, going like, "where are you goin', ma'am? Where are you goin'?" And she's like, "you can check yourself out, and I'm like, "but I don't work here.
"I shouldn't have to do that.
At all," you know.
I yeah, I'm like, "these are my clothes.
These are my clothes, right here.
" But she felt like I was qualified, so I say, "what the hell?" "Turn on my light, I guess I'm open.
I guess I'm open.
" Whoo, yeah.
Narrator: Coming up, a shocking decision from the judges.
Let's do it.
It's Last Comic Standing, baby! I don't I don't know.
I don't know what just happened.
[Dramatic music.]
- We going up.
- We goin' up now? It's time to go? Nikki Carr.
Time to go.
Lachlan.
It's time to go.
And the winner will take it all in the comedy battle tonight! [Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the finale of Last Comic Standing.
[Cheers and applause.]
Our three finalists just performed, and now the question is: Who will compete for our title? The judges have made their first big decision of the night.
Let's get to it.
When I say your name, please step forward.
[Suspenseful music.]
The first comic movin' on is Nikki Carr.
[Cheers and applause.]
There's nothing that's happened this great thus far in my life.
Maybe I could actually be the Last Comic Standing.
I'm so grateful, and I'm so happy.
When I call your name, again, please step forward.
Moving another step closer to winning $250,000, an NBC television deal, and the title of Last Comic Standing is Lachlan Patterson.
[Cheers and applause.]
I've got one more set left.
I got a little more gas left in my tank, and I think it's gonna get me home.
[Cheers and applause.]
And finally, step forward, Rod Man.
[Cheers and applause.]
They will each perform one final time tonight! R.
P.
When we started tonight, initially one of you was supposed to go home, and it was supposed to be left down to two of you.
But all three of you did so phenomenally well that we couldn't come to a conclusive decision as to who was gonna go home.
Therefore, you will all perform again.
[Cheers and applause.]
We surprised you, didn't we? When we return, it's the title fight.
Let's do it! It's Last Comic Standing, baby! [Cheers and applause.]
_ Everybody made it through.
They told us it was gonna be two, then one elimination, so I was standin' in the back, but I didn't feel eliminated, but I felt lonely.
So I don't I don't know I don't know what just happened, but I feel good.
One more round.
Give the people what they want.
Last Comic Standing.
Somethin' going to happen tonight.
They gonna tell us somethin' tonight.
Narrator: And now, we continue with Last Comic Standing's Top Ten Jokes of the Season.
I ordered a pizza and on the box it said, "9/11, never forget.
" And forgive me for being preachy for just a moment, but I think that's just what the terrorists would want, for us to continue to be sad remembering that terrible day.
Then I realized They forgot my breadsticks.
[Cheers.]
How about never forgetting my breadsticks? Put that on the box.
I've dated so many ugly guys that if they ever put me in a scary movie, the monster would be my man.
Picture it.
Movie first come on.
I'm runnin' through the woods with my friends, "ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh Jason?" I'll be like, "oh, my God, how you doin'?" I love the stairmaster because before you even start on it, it asks you your age.
But it doesn't let you just enter any age.
It says, "enter your age between ten and 100.
" That's where you're stopping people? I think if you make it to 100, you don't have to work out ever again, right? I think if you die at 100 no one's gonna be like, "well, he was gettin' kind of chubby.
" No.
No, he died of 100.
It's a disease.
It affects almost everyone.
If I was 100, and some personal trainer told me I needed to do more jumping jacks, I'd be like, "do you have any idea how old I am? I knew Jumping Jack.
That's how old.
" [Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: Coming up, global comedy sensation Russell Peters hits the stage.
I was wondering if maybe you'd like to [Indian accent.]
Go to a party.
Narrator: And our very own Roseanne Barr steps up to the mic.
Hos before bros, are you kiddin' me? Narrator: And then the final three perform for the title.
I ain't never been to college, but I've been to court a few times.
You know what? Everything happens for a reason.
Hee-hee-hee-hee-ha.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
There is electricity up in here tonight.
It's our season finale! [Cheers and applause.]
Right now you're in for a treat.
He's our very own global sensation.
Check out Russell Peters.
[Cheers and applause.]
I've had a great time doing this show.
Initially, I was intimidated.
Roseanne and Keenen are comedy legends.
I grew up watching in living color, and my parents would watch Roseanne every week.
In my head I was like, "oh jeez.
This could go pear-shaped quickly.
" But they were both so kind and so gracious, and it's really cool for me that I made friends with people that I was fans of.
You had a great set with your fine ass.
Damn, I was gonna say that.
I wanted to say that.
Russell travels the world doing stand-up.
So he's able to really talk about the universal appeal.
I think Keenen really related to you because you come from a family of 13, and he comes from a family of 1,300, so The comics were immensely better than I expected them to be when I started this show.
I like when you get hit with a left hook that you don't see coming.
And to be exposed to so many new comics that I didn't know.
Oh, oh, oh! There it is! And see the level that people are writing and performing at is really cool.
Joe, you're you're one of the guys who I've been quoting to my friends even lately.
So you had a great set, and I loved watching you.
Oh, I appreciate that.
That's the best compliment a comedian can get.
Whenever someone like Russell Peters says something good about me, I'll go back, and I'll write it down, so when I have a bad set it'll cheer me up a little bit.
You came out swinging right away, and I was really, really blown away.
You were actually making statements, kind of hidden message, and I really dig that kind of stuff.
- Great.
- Thank you.
Russell Peters told me that he really liked my joke-writing, and that's that's such a high compliment to receive.
I felt really great about it.
Having seen the level of comedy out there, it really put a little bit of fire in my butt to write a little bit more detailed.
I'd like to thank Last Comic Standing and all the comics that came through for reminding me of what it's like to be hungry.
He doesn't just talk the talk, he walks the walk.
Put your hands together for my man, Russell Peters! [Cheers and applause.]
All right.
You know, what's funny is when this show first came on the air, people were like, "oh, my God, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
"Oh, my God, Roseanne Barr.
Who the hell is that Latin guy?" And I was like, first of all, I'm Indian, all right? Second of all, we're good at three things.
One, computers.
Two, spelling bees.
And three, pretending to be Latin.
So Ha! I don't have an Indian accent, but I think anybody who comes from an immigrant family suffers from some sort of ethnic tourette's.
Like, I've never had an Indian accent, but sometimes when I get nervous an Indian accent just comes out of nowhere.
Like, I'll be in a bar, I'll see a hot girl.
I'm like, "excuse me, I just noticed you across the bar.
"Was wondering if maybe you'd like to [Indian accent.]
go to a party.
" [Clears throat.]
[Clears throat.]
Excuse me.
Growin' up, all my friends were black, and they still are.
That whole African-American thing just throws me off, because there was, like and that started in 1995, I think.
If you were to trace "African-American," the word, it would go back to around 1995.
And there was no press conference.
There was there was no, "black people should now be referred to as African-American.
" They just they just started calling them African-American, and I didn't know.
I'm watchin' the news, and all I see is, "today, the police are looking for an African-American male.
" "The suspect is an African-American male.
" "Police have a description of an African-American male.
" I'm like, I didn't know what they were talking about.
I thought some guy from Kenya was Was running amok.
- How are you? - Good.
Do you prefer black or African-American? When people are referring to black people, do you prefer black or African-American? When you describe yourself.
Brown? Well, that's what we use, so It's, uh, it's nice to see white people in the audience.
I can't tell who's white anymore 'cause everybody's got some sort of mix of something in them.
If you're with a white person hang onto them.
You look like you're, like, a Latin girl with a white guy.
Hang onto that white guy.
Those are collectors' items.
Um They've stopped making them, you know what I mean? That's that's like having an eight-track.
Just don't sell it on eBay when things get really rough.
That's all I'm saying.
Hey, you guys have been a lot of fun.
Enjoy the rest of the evening.
Thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
That's my guy, Russell Peters.
[Cheers and applause.]
When we return, we'll have an unforgettable performance from our very own queen, Roseanne.
[Cheers and applause.]
And as we go to break, let's also take a look at another one of our judges, the honorable Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Be right back.
[Cheers and applause.]
Being a Judge was just, for me, like, a dream job.
To see this batch of comics, it was exciting, because everybody's so unique and so different.
You are what comedy is supposed to be.
I did start as a stand-up, and I can totally sympathize, empathize, everything-ize with these guys because I'm out there doing it.
Play the front of the stage.
Not the edge, but to the front, 'cause the deeper you go back, it's just gonna distance you from the audience, you know? Appreciate it.
Thank you.
It's Keenen Ivory Wayans, dude.
I know, man.
And you had Keenen Ivory Wayans, who is the head of the Wayans comedy dynasty.
He does everything.
He's a comic, a director, a writer.
To have that person who had that mind look at your comedy and analyze your comedy, it's a it's really a thrill.
In living color you can do what you You know? You come out black-on-black-on-black-on-black.
You you are killing the lighting.
I just seen the lighting guy just I really love Keenen.
He's got a great point of view, and it was just great to work with him.
You got to tone it down.
You can't judge lookin' like that.
What's wrong with you? I'm like, "aw, man.
" Whatever your life experience was, I want to know.
I want to know how you grew up.
I want to know your parents.
I want to know your friends.
I want to know all of that.
Take me to dinner, Keenen.
[Laughter and applause.]
When guy branum asked me to take him to dinner, that was an honest moment.
That really threw me off, so it made me have to go, "okay, you got to wake up, 'cause you don't know what's gonna happen.
" I'm hot now.
[Laughs.]
[Cheers and applause.]
There was a real lull in stand-up for a while, where you kind of felt like the the creativity was starting to just fade away.
Having seen these 100 comedians was exciting, because everybody's doing their thing.
Going for the gold.
I really feel good about the state of stand-up.
And it was a great experience.
Narrator: Coming up, a very special treat.
The one and only Roseanne Barr delivers the mail.
Anything a man can do, a woman can get another man to do even better.
Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Narrator: And then the finalists perform their last sets of the season, and the judges crown a winner.
The winner of Last Comic Standing is [Cheers and applause.]
This year, the decisions have all been in the hands our three comedy experts.
Tonight, we're gettin' inside their head to see how the show, the comedians, and the decisions have affected them.
This time we're going inside the mind of Rosanne, so buckle up.
I remember her first tonight show, man.
Like, she nailed it, and the whole country was in love with her after that five-minute set.
Watchin' her show growin' up, her family and my family was, like, the same poor, so I feel like she knows me even though she doesn't know me.
I can just relate to her so much.
I have such a girl crush on her.
- All hail to the queen.
- Thank you.
All hail to the queen.
I think the comics were much better than I expected them to be.
You're fantastic in in every possible way.
I love you.
And it's very exciting to be part of it and to watch it.
She's the real deal.
[Cheers and applause.]
One of the big highlights for me was Tell it to my balls! Ahhh! My goal as a Judge is to be myself and to be honest.
You kind of remind me of my daughters.
But I like you anyway.
- Do you smoke pot? - Actually Well, you need to start smokin' some.
You got it.
These guys are blowin' my mind for their total professionalism, and they're just ready, and they're bringin' it.
You were gettin' pissed off, and that's how I feel every day, and I loved it.
My biggest thing was, "can I make Roseanne laugh?" You read the riot act to the world.
This is, like, an all-time great.
If there were a mount rushmore of comedians, Roseanne would be on there.
Your [Bleep.]
is next-level [Bleep.]
.
It's good.
Roseanne is a force to be reckoned with.
That's what the smartest person usually does.
Well, I'm glad you butted into my [Bleep.]
, Russell.
Sorry, lady, I was you looked at me! - You looked at me.
- Well With Roseanne, you waiting for the powder keg to go off.
Once you got past that minute and a half of, like, being in a big [Bleep.]
hole and started digging your ass out what? Was that mean? I've had just a blast being around comedy and other comics.
Whoo-Whoo-Whoo-Whoo-Whoo! Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! It lights that fire again.
It makes me, like I want to get out there too.
[Cheers and applause.]
If I could use only one word to describe fire, truth, and funny, it would be Roseanne.
Give it up for my girl, Roseanne.
[Cheers and applause.]
Hey, hi.
What a privilege it is for you to have me here this evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I really mean that.
I mean that.
A lot of people don't know this about me, but I have five children.
- [Scattered cheers.]
- Yeah.
I used to be kind of pro-life.
And kids are a big pain in the ass, aren't they, ladies and gentlemen? Askin' you questions that you have no answer for.
"Why is the sky blue?" "Where did we come from?" "Who's our real father?" I have no way of knowing.
How do you answer? But I'm getting older, man.
I'm getting real old.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
My body's changing.
Everything's all screwy.
Now I'm wet where I'm supposed to be dry and dry where I'm supposed to be wet.
I don't know.
Uh-huh.
Like a lot of people in L.
A.
, a lot of women, I went and got that vaginal rejuvenation thing.
Have y'all had that? And now I've got a "vajunior," so that's good.
I'm excited too, 'cause I'm coming out with my own line of adult diapers, you know? Called "urine luck.
" I think they'll be a big thing.
But I don't know if a lot of you knew, but I ran for President of the United States.
Did you know that? [Cheers and applause.]
That was a fantastic experience, and I'll tell you why I did it.
'Cause I think it's time for a woman to be on top of this [Bleep.]
.
[Cheers and applause.]
Yeah! - Right? - Yeah! Hell, yes.
Hos before bros, are you kiddin' me? Anything a man can do, a woman can get another man to do even better.
Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Yeah! I ran 'cause I got a lot of solutions, you know, to the problems that plague our country and the world.
I put a lot of drink I mean, thinking, into these solutions.
And one thing I would do, I would legalize marijuana.
It's about time.
[Cheers and applause.]
You know, I got a lot of anxiety issues and stuff.
It helps me with my anxiety.
Like, I get very anxious when I think I might run out of pot, you know? And it's such a rare incident.
And then, here's my solution to our economic crisis.
I would give all the broke-ass people and the unemployed, I'd give 'em all $10,000 per week as a sort of a stimulus, you see? And then the rest of us will go out and invest in liquor stores, lottery tickets, and Internet porn.
[Cheers and applause.]
You're welcome, America.
You know, I ran for President against President Barack Obama, and I did criticize him for a lot of things.
Like, specifically, I don't think it was right that he went over there and killed Osama Bin Laden.
I think that was too good for that son of a bitch.
That's what I think.
Shootin' him in the face, too good for that son of a bitch.
I think they should've made him marry Tom Arnold.
I really do.
- [Laughter and applause.]
- I really do.
But God bless America.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
[Cheers and applause.]
She just delivered the mail.
Give it up for Roseanne! [Cheers and applause.]
When we return, our three finalists perform one final time tonight! [Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: And now, we continue with Last Comic Standing's top ten jokes of the season.
Yeah, 'cause I'm a breast man.
I know and not chicken.
I like chicken breasts too, but I like breasts.
Breasts.
That's, uh but I like breasts that are confident breasts, ladies.
I have learned that over the years breasts have a shelf life.
I did not know.
Got to enjoy breasts early, 'cause, you know, they'll trick you.
'Cause in the bra they still look so confident.
They look so confident, but then you pop the bra off, you find out they got low self-esteem.
You like, "why you down?" That's not the same.
I got into a discussion with my neighbor about gun control.
He said, "I bet if you ask the founding fathers what they thought about gun control, they wouldn't like it.
" And I'm like, "I bet if you asked the founding fathers what they thought about gun control.
They would respond, 'what's this I hear about women voting? And who is that in the White House? Is that one of Thomas Jefferson's kids?'" Thank you, everyone.
[Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: Coming up, the comics take the stage for the final time this season to compete for the title.
I can't believe he slept with her Behind my back I was like, "wow! That's a big back.
They was right there.
" I'm so happy to be here.
I feel like I've won so much already.
If I win $250,000, oh my God.
My gift to me is a brand-new minivan.
That's it.
If I were to get the NBC development deal, I would love to do a show inspired by all the musical talent in my very own family.
Here we go.
Winnin' the title Last Comic Standing means people who didn't know me before are gonna know me now.
And hopefully they'll love me, 'cause that's all I'm about.
I love everybody.
I think that's why I'm good at my job.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back.
I'm not gonna keep anyone waiting, so let's get to the final performances of the season.
[Cheers and applause.]
Performing first is my girl, Nikki Carr.
Give it up for Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
You know, when I was a kid, everybody thought I was gonna grow up to be a singer.
And maybe I would've, but you know what? You got to be sexy to be a singer.
I mean, you can be fat when you first come out.
I wa I watched them do it to all my idols.
R&B songstress Kelly Price exploded onto the R&B scene.
I could tell she was big just from the lyrics in her song.
If you listen, Kelly said, I can't believe he slept with her Behind my back [Cheers and applause.]
I was like, "wow! That's a big back.
They was right there.
" But then she threw me off with that next line.
I didn't know what to think, 'cause she said, I went out on a limb But then she never said what happened to the tree after that.
I'm tellin' you, you have to be slim to be a star.
Look at Missy Elliott.
Missy was perfectly happy.
Laughing on her songs, "hee-hee-hee-hee-ha.
" [Laughter.]
Yeah.
They make you lose weight.
Jennifer Hudson, did you see her in the movie dreamgirls? She was thick and curvy like a sister should be.
You see her now? She lost so much weight, we can't even call her Jennifer Hudson no more.
We call her J-Hud.
That's why I thank God for comedy, 'cause you don't have to be sexy to do this, even though I'm what you call "Facebook sexy.
" Yeah, don't worry about from the boobs down.
Just check my profile.
To me, comedy is a hear thing.
It ain't no see thing.
You don't like the way I look, close your eyes.
You're still gonna enjoy the show.
I'm Nikki Carr.
Thank you very much.
[Cheers and applause.]
That was Nikki Carr.
I got through that set, and that's what I needed to do.
I feel very confident.
I feel good.
I feel good.
I been feeling good all day.
When we come back, we'll see our final two performances of the season.
Rod Man and Lachlan will give it their best and fight for the title.
Stay tuned.
[Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: Coming up, Rod Man may have to fight his own mother for the prize.
My momma like to borrow money now.
It's not gonna go well if she see I won $250,000.
And, yeah, 'cause I can't say I ain't got it, cause she gonna be like, "I seen you on TV.
You got it.
I know you got it.
" I'm excited by the possibilities more than anything.
This exposure from Last Comic Standing can only enhance my career.
If I win Last Comic Standing and a development deal, I'm gonna make a show based on my life.
I mean, I was always taught write what you know, write your life.
You know, I married my high school sweetheart.
We've been together since 13 years old, so there's a lot of meat on that bone.
So we, you know, we got some stories to tell.
I'm ready to go.
See you at the show.
I do, I plan on spending the $250,000.
I think I'm gonna see why my check engine light keep comin' on in the car.
'Cause nobody can find the problem, so I think $250,000, somebody's gonna find somethin'.
I got a daughter going to college, so that's gonna take a chunk of it.
Uncle Sam gonna want a chunk of it.
The wife gonna probably take a little chunk of it.
I got some people I got to take care, along the way, who've been good to me.
Yeah, I feel good.
You know, people always say, "you that guy.
You that funny guy, man.
I know you.
" But they never know my name.
If I'm Last Comic Standing, people like, "oh, that's Rod Man.
" I like the sound of that.
I do.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Give it up for Rod Man.
[Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Aw, man.
They tell me the winner of this thing win $250,000, which is a hell of a lot of money.
I'm gonna have problems right off the bat, I already know, 'cause, yeah.
'Cause my momma like to borrow money now.
It's not gonna go well if she see I won $250,000.
And, yeah.
'Cause I can't say I ain't got it, 'cause she gonna be like, "I seen you on TV.
"You got it.
I know you got it.
So don't try to act like you ain't got it.
" 'Cause ain't nothin' like a black momma I love my momma, yeah.
You got to love your momma.
Yeah.
'Cause that's what I had.
I had a black momma.
She was all about go to church.
That's what she say, "go to church, boy.
" So I went to church with her.
I used to go to church with her all the time, but I stopped going 'cause I had a problem with the collection situation one Sunday.
Yeah, 'cause, you know, they used to have the collection plate, so they came around doing the little offering.
So I didn't have but $10 that particular Sunday.
So I told the Deacon, I say, "hey, I ain't got but $10, "and I'm gonna put a dollar in the church, and you bring back my $9 change.
" Cause that's 10% for the Lord, so I was cool and in good standing.
But time time go by, that man still ain't brung back my change.
So I look over at my momma.
I say, "momma, that man still ain't brung back my change.
" And she said, "boy, be quiet.
Don't worry 'bout that change.
" I said, "okay, I'm cool.
" And then the priest said, "if all minds clear, we can adjourn.
" And I said, "whoa, we can't adjourn.
" You know, I know I ain't never been to collage, but I been to court a few times, and I know yeah.
And I know adjourn mean they gonna get the hell up out of there.
So he said, "if all minds clear, we can testify today, too.
" I said, "well, I think I need to stand up and testify, 'cause something's on my mind.
" So I stood up.
I said, "amen.
" Preacher said, "say it, young brother, say it.
" I said, "amen.
" Preacher said, "say it, young brother, say it.
" I said, "hey, man, where the hell my change at?" I been Rod Man, man.
I appreciate y'all.
Much love.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
That was Rod Man right there.
[Cheers and applause.]
It went great.
I did what I came to do.
You know I want it.
Yeah, real bad.
You are watching the season finale of Last Comic Standing.
We'll be right back with Lachlan Patterson.
He's up next.
[Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: Coming up, for the final performance of the season, Lachlan's got to think twice.
This dude goes, "are you gay?" And I said, "no," and he goes, "are you sure you're not gay?" Like, maybe I just need to think about it a little bit harder? I'm very surprised that I made it this far.
I'm still having to remind myself, "hey, man, you're doing really well.
" If I win the $250,000, I am going to get my parents out of debt.
I just don't want 'em to be worrying about money anymore, so if I can help in any way to repay them for all the help they've given me, I can't wait to do that.
That right there is showtime hair.
If I win the development deal it'd be really exciting, 'cause I have a lot of great ideas I'd like to pitch.
I basically have a lot of reality shows.
My 600-pound life as a storm-chaser.
Drug Deal or No Deal.
Dancing with the Stars of Hoarders, and they got to dance in the house with the dirty dishes and, like, cats jumping all over them.
Let's see you do the tango to that.
Seriously, though, I think this show has taught me a lot of skills.
I think I'd be a good actor on a comedy show.
I feel like, at this point, everyone around me is saying, "you're gonna win this.
I know you're gonna win this.
" Including my mom, who just assumes I've won it.
And I want to make them go, "I knew I was right.
" So I'm kind of trying to win for everyone else.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the season finale of Last Comic Standing.
Everybody ready for the final performance of the season? [Cheers and applause.]
Give it up for my man, Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
I'm from Canada, so so like Russell, I too don't have an Indian accent.
I've been surviving this contest by saying everything happens for a reason, and I have no idea what it means, but it makes me feel good, and it's got me through some tough times.
Like the other night, I was leaving a show where I faced elimination, and, you know, maybe I had a few too many to drink, maybe I didn't.
I don't know.
I'm not a doctor, right? Don't have a laboratory in my car where I can conduct experiments.
And as I pull around a corner, I ended up sideswiping a couple of maybe seven parked vehicles, right? And I was gonna go back and leave a note, but then I thought, "you know what? Everything happens for a reason.
" Is that is that how I'm supposed to [Muttering.]
[Laughter.]
I'm very thin.
I work out, but nothing happens.
I don't know why.
I'm startin' to realize I will never be on that show, the world's strongest man competition, and not 'cause I don't have good work ethic.
I just realize I don't have a fire truck with a rope attached to it in my gym.
Do you guys? Do you guys is that in the ladies only section? Do they have a special gym with that stuff? "Hey, are you almost done dragging the ship's anchors? "I wanted to get on those before I carry my car home, "so if you you'll do that.
"Make sure to put the ship's anchors back on the racks.
"Don't just leave 'em around.
"Last time I was throwing cannonballs, I tripped over one.
" I get confused for gay a lot, which is weird.
I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause I'm Canadian.
Whatever.
I had someone come up to me and ask me if I was gay.
This dude goes, "are you gay? And I said, "no," and he goes, "are you sure you're not gay?" Like, maybe I just need to think about it a little bit harder? Like, that's how I'm gonna come out of the closet? "Oh, my God, I am gay.
What? This is so weird.
What the dickens? This is so no one's ever asked me twice before.
Oh.
" [Cheers and applause.]
Lachlan Patterson, thank you, my brother.
One more time for Lachlan Patterson.
[Cheers and applause.]
Think it went well.
I brought everything I got there.
When we come back, we will crown a winner.
Don't go anywhere.
It is about to be on.
[Cheers and applause.]
This was, like, top-notch stand-up.
- Yeah, it was, top-notch.
- You know what I mean? This has been, you know, 12 weeks, and, you know, if it was - well - well, okay, I'm gonna be - I'm gonna be the bitch.
- Okay.
[Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
.
- Really? - Oh.
I don't know.
I can't base after the sets we saw, I can't say I can't agree with that.
I'm gonna say it.
I understand what you're sayin', but I I can't agree with that.
I think we have to go throughout the competition, you know? I think so.
This for me, I would I don't know.
Right? Narrator: Coming up, you've waited for it all season long.
Find out who will be the Last Comic Standing.
Rod Man, Lachlan, Nikki, brace yourselves, because one of you is about to be the winner of 250,000 big ones.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing season finale.
[Cheers and applause.]
After 250,000 jokes, this is it.
This is the moment we have been building to all season long.
Before I announce the winner of greatest stand-up competition there is, I want to hear one last time from the greatest stand-up competition judges there are, Roseanne, Keenen, and Russell.
As these comics stand here waiting to see how their lives have been changed, please share with them your final thoughts, Keenen.
You know, I I sit and I and I put myself in your situation.
I asked myself, "could I have lasted through this competition?" And of course the answer's yes, but Homey don't play that.
No, my my point is I can personally empathize with each of you guys, and and what it took for you to get through each round.
You got to lay it out there and then come back and do it again every week for 12 weeks.
The idea of a winner doesn't exist.
The three of you standing there together right now have won this competition.
Whoo, yeah.
Roseanne, here they are.
Well, all three of you deserve to be where you are, in the top three up there.
[Applause.]
I liked seeing the thought behind what you brought, and the pressure I'm sure you felt over over this time, I know, it's like, you know, you have to give up a little bit of your nervous system and sacrifice it.
But you did it, and, you know, you all wanted it, and you all did great.
You're right.
R.
P.
All three of you came in with three different perspectives, and you gave America and Canada don't want to leave us out.
You gave us three different perspectives on how to watch comedy.
- Comedy is not one thing.
- That's right.
It is it is many different people's experiences, and that's what makes people watch it.
[Cheers and applause.]
And it's people like yourselves that make people who were not comedy fans become comedy fans.
So congratulations for making it this far, and you are all winners in my eyes.
Okay.
With my smooth, motorcycle glove-like hands.
Just shiny.
[Imitates motorcycle revving.]
I hold the final results.
Comics, I can't imagine what you guys are feeling in this moment, but, Rod Man, Lachlan, Nikki, brace yourselves, because one of you is about to be the winner of 250,000 big ones, an NBC development deal for your own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[Cheers and applause.]
And here we go.
[Suspenseful music.]
The winner Of Last Comic Standing Is Rod Man! [Cheers and applause.]
Congratulations! You are the Last Comic Standing! [Cheers and applause.]
It feels great to be the Last Comic Standing.
I mean, who wouldn't want to be the last comic we all come here to be the Last Comic Standing.
So I am the Last Comic Standing! [Cheers and applause.]
Oh, here's my confetti! I told you I won! Yay! And a huge thanks to our judges, Russell Peters, Keenen Ivory Wayans, and Roseanne.
Thank you for tuning in! I got confetti on my face.
See you next season for Last Comic Standing! Good night!