According To Jim s08e13 Episode Script

1 (sounds of baseball game playing on TV) COME ON.
COME ON.
COME ON.
COME ON.
COME ON! HEY, HONEY.
HEY.
ARE YOU STUCK LIKE THAT? YEAH, KIND OF.
SEE, AN HOUR AGO, THE CUBS WERE LOSING MM-HMM.
AND I PUT MY FOOT ON THE TABLE, AND RAMIREZ HIT A HOME RUN.
OH.
THEN 20 MINUTES LATER, I-I PUT MY HAND ON THE CHAIR TO BALANCE MYSELF-- DERREK LEE DRIVES TWO RUNS IN.
WELL, HONEY, I HOPE YOUR CUBS WIN.
OH, THANK YOU, BABY.
MM.
(man) AND THAT'S A SINGLE UP THE MIDDLE, AND THE CUBS HAVE TIED THE GAME.
DON'T MOVE.
AND THAT'S THE BALL GAME.
CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! YES! WE DID IT.
WE DID IT.
WE DID IT.
WE DID IT.
WE DID IT.
(groans) THANK YOU, BABY.
OH, NO PROBLEM.
AND GAME 2 OF OUR DOUBLEHEADER WILL BEGIN IN 20 MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
BUT I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
IN THREE HOURS, KYLE.
(groans) COME ON, MOM.
IT'S JUST THE MALL.
ALL THE OTHER KIDS ARE GOING.
BUT NO PARENTS ARE GOING.
YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.
MOM, I'M 14.
IN BIBLICAL TIMES, 14 YEAR OLDS WERE MOTHERS.
AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHY YOU'RE NOT GOING.
GOD, MOM, HOW CAN YOU BE SO UNCOOL? YEARS OF PRACTICE.
YEAH, A LOT OF YEARS.
YOU SHOULD HOPE YOU GOT THIS GOING ON WHEN YOU'RE MY AGE.
NO! NO! IT'S JUST THE MALL, JIM.
ALL THE OTHER GUYS ARE GOING.
NO! NO WAY.
IT--IT'S A WORKDAY.
"AXIS POWER OF EVIL 3" COMES OUT AT 10:00 A.
M.
IT'S THE BIGGEST VIDEO GAME OF THE YEAR.
I'M GONNA CAMP OUT ALL NIGH SO I'M FIRST IN LINE.
ANDY, YOU KNOW, NO WAY YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT.
YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP AT WORK ALL DAY.
I AM 34 YEARS OLD.
I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS.
YOU KNOW, IN BIBLICAL TIMES, I'D BE DEAD BY NOW.
ANDY, YOU WOULDN'T BE DEAD, BUT TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL WOULD BE TRYING TO BOARD YOU.
(Ruby) GOD, MOM, I GET IT! (Cheryl) DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM ME.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I AM TALKING TO YOU, YOUNG LADY.
I'M GOING TO MY ROOM, LESS YOUNG LADY.
GOOD.
GOOD.
I WANT YOU TO GO TO YOUR ROOM.
GOOD.
GOOD.
GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! THIS IS NOT GOOD.
WHAT ARE THEY FIGHTING ABOUT? I DON'T KNOW, AND I DON'T CARE.
RUBY'S GOING THROUGH ONE OF THOSE DIFFICULT TIMES THAT ALL GIRLS GO THROUGH, YOU KNOW, BETWEEN THE AGES OF 14 AND 80.
WELL, AREN'T YOU GONNA DO SOMETHING? NO WAY, NO WAY DO YOU GET BETWEEN A DAUGHTER AND A MOTHER FIGHTING.
THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IS HOSE 'EM DOWN.
(Ruby) I'M NEVER GONNA COME OUT OF MY ROOM! (slams door) (Cheryl) I'VE GOT DOORS, TOO, YOU KNOW! (slams door) WOW, IT'S LIKE A WAR ZONE HERE.
YEAH, GET THE HOSE.
OOH.
SPEAKING OF WAR ZONES, "AXIS POWER OF EVIL 3" HAS FIVE CUSTOMIZABLE LEVELS OF MULTIPLAYER CARNAGE.
FORGET IT, ANDY! NO.
I'LL LET YOU BE HITLER.
STALIN? (gasps) HUGO CHáVEZ.
YOU LIKE HIM.
I DON'T LIKE HIM.
I JUST THINK HE DRESSES WELL.
NOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE MALL.
FINE.
RUBY, THIS IS YOUR FATHER! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! HEY, WHAT THE HELL? YOU FORCED MY HAND, JIM, SO TAKE THAT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? OH, IT'S A LITTLE SOMETHING.
I'M TRYING TO SEE IF IT'LL CATCH ON, AND I'M CAMPING OU AT THE MALL.
(door closes) WHAT? NOTHING.
FALSE ALARM.
I THOUGH YOU WANTED TO TALK.
(laughing) COME ON, RUBY, DO I EVER WANT TO TALK? YOU KNOW, NOW THA I'M DOWN HERE YOU'RE GONNA VACUUM? (laughs) DAD, YOU'RE SO FUNNY AND SO EASY TO TALK TO.
OH, RUBY, STOP TRYING TO BUTTER ME UP.
I JUST WISH MOM COULD BE COOL LIKE YOU.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, SWEETHEART? YOU KNOW WHAT'S GREA ABOUT YOU, DAD? YOU JUST GO WITH THE FLOW.
YOU DON'T GET ALL WORKED UP ABOUT STUFF.
YEAH, THAT IS GREA ABOUT ME I MEAN, YOU KNOW, ON A LIS OF MANY GREAT THINGS.
EXACTLY.
WHY CAN'T MOM BE THAT COOL? CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE WON' LET ME GO TO THE MALL BECAUSE THERE AREN'T GONNA BE ANY PARENTS AROUND? (scoffs) THAT IS SO HER.
TOTALLY.
TOTALLY.
WITH HER, EVERYTHING HAS TO BE, LIKE, AN EPIC FREAK-OUT.
LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU, RUBY.
MOMS GO THROUGH THIS THING CALLED "THE CHANGE" WHERE THEY GO FROM "COOL" TO "UNCOOL," AND SOMETIMES THEY GET HO FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
I GUESS THERE'S JUST NO WAY TO CHANGE HER MIND ABOUT THIS.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT THE COOL ONE.
I'LL TALK TO HER FOR YOU.
OH, MY GOD, YOU WOULD? YEAH.
(chuckles) YOU'RE THE COOLEST DAD EVER.
WELL I HOPE YOU NEVER GO THROUGH "THE CHANGE.
" WELL, "THE CHANGE" IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR DADS.
WHEN THEY GO THROUGH "THE CHANGE," THEY GET A YOUNG GIRLFRIEND AND A FAST CAR.
I'LL TALK TO YOUR MOM.
LET ME DO MY LITTLE JIM MAGIC.
OH, HEY, CHERYL.
I JUST GOT HOME.
YOU DID NOT.
I SAW YOU COWERING BY THE DOOR WHEN I WAS FIGHTING WITH RUBY.
I WAS NOT COWERING.
OH, YEAH? WHY WERE YOU HOLDING HANDS WITH ANDY? 'CAUSE I WAS SCARED.
BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER IS OUT OF CONTROL.
OKAY, NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST TALKED TO HER, ALL RIGHT? OH, YEAH? YEAH, AND-- AND YOU KNOW WHAT? POSSIBLY, THE SMALL THING-- YOU COULD RELAX A LITTLE BIT.
RELAX? NOT "RELAX," NOT THAT WORD, OR "CALM DOWN," ANY OF THOSE WORDS THAT YOU HATE.
NOT-- OKAY, OKAY, WHAT DID RUBY SAY TO YOU? NOTHING.
HUH? NOTHING AT ALL, JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, HER FRIENDS ARE GOING.
THE MALL'S A SAFE PLACE.
YOU DON'T NEED AN EPIC FREAK-OUT HERE.
(laughs sarcastically) "EPIC FREAK-OUT," JIM? YEAH.
WHAT, DID RUBY WRITE DOWN THE EXACT WORDS SHE WANTED YOU TO SAY TO ME? NO, CHERYL.
UH-HUH.
YOU KNOW, JUST MAYBE I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO KIDS.
OH.
YEAH, AND IT TURNS OU THAT I MIGHT BE JUS A LITTLE COOLER THAN YOU.
(laughs) YOU'RE COOLER THAN ME.
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD.
YEAH, BY WHO? PEOPLE, MY PEEPS.
OH, RIGHT, YOUR "PEEPS.
" MY PEEPS.
YEAH.
THEY'RE OUT THERE.
JUST ASK 'EM.
YOU KNOW WHO I'M GONNA ASK? I'M GONNA ASK RUBY, BECAUSE SHE IS WORKING YOU LIKE A HAND PUPPET, AND YOU DON' EVEN KNOW IT.
YEAH? YEAH.
WELL (grunts) WHAT IS THAT? LOOK WHO'S NOT SO COOL NOW.
SO AAH! HOW'D IT GO? EPIC FREAK-OUT.
I GUESS THAT MEANS I CAN'T GO I GUESS.
SINCE MOM'S THE BOSS.
HOLD IT.
SHE IS NOT THE BOSS.
SHE IS MIDDLE MANAGEMENT.
I AM THE C.
E.
O.
, THE C.
F.
O.
, THE M.
V.
P.
AND THE AYATOLLAH OF ROCK 'N' ROLL-A.
DADDY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? I AM SAYING YOU'RE GOING (whispering) TO THE MALL.
REALLY? SHH! (normal voice) I'LL JUST TELL YOUR MOM I'M TAKING YOU TO YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE TO STUDY, AND THEN US COOL PEOPLE WILL HAVE A COOL SECRET.
ARE YOU COOL WITH THAT? TOTALLY.
(laughs) ALL RIGHT, JUST SO I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE, JUST THE MALL, RIGHT? YES.
ARE THERE GONNA BE ANY BOYS THERE? PROBABLY.
ANY DRUGS? I HAVE NO IDEA.
OKAY, AS LONG AS I'VE ASKED THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.
(man) WHERE VENEZUELAN STRONGMAN HUGO CHáVEZ ADDRESSED THE UNITED NATIONS.
WHAT WAS HE WEARING? WHAT WAS HE WEARING? HEY, MY BEAUTIFUL YOUNG DOLL.
DID YOU HAVE FUN? YEAH, IT WAS AWESOME.
(chuckles) WERE THERE BOYS THERE? YEAH.
ANY DRUGS? NO.
YES! THANK YOU FOR MAKING YOUR OLD MAN LOOK SO GOOD.
I KNEW I WAS RIGH TO TRUST YOU.
THANKS FOR BELIEVING IN ME, DAD.
AW, BABY.
ME AND MY FRIENDS WERE TALKING.
MM-HMM.
AND YOU GOT VOTED SECOND-COOLEST DAD.
AW, BABY, THANKS.
WAIT A MINUTE, SECOND? I LET YOU ROAM AROUND A MALL INFESTED WITH BOYS AND DRUGS, AND I'M SECOND? NUMBER TWO'S GOOD.
COME ON, WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO BE NUMBER ONE? I MEAN, I'M ALREADY IN A BAND.
WELL, ERIN'S DAD LETS HER DRIVE HIS CAR SOMETIMES.
ALL RIGHT, HANDS AT 10:00 AND 2:00.
VERY GOOD.
OKAY, NOW JUST GIVE I A LITTLE GAS.
(tires squealing) HIT THE BRAKE! HIT THE BRAKE! HIT THE BRAKE! THIS IS SO COOL! EPICALLY COOL? EPICALLY COOL WOULD BE IF I COULD DRIVE WITHOUT YOU IN THE CAR.
UH, I-I-I THINK I'M GOOD WITH JUST REGULAR COOL.
CAN I DO DOUGHNUTS? NO.
HOW ABOUT A BOOTLEGGER'S TURN WITH THE E-BRAKE? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
HOW ABOU I SCARE THAT NERD? AS LONG AS YOU GO YOUR SEAT BELT ON.
10:00 AND 2:00, 10:00 AND 2:00.
(tires squealing) AAH! (laughs) OH, MY GOD.
THAT NERD WAS UNCLE ANDY.
IT WAS? YEAH.
(laughs) ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, THIS STAYS BETWEEN YOU AND ME, RIGHT? GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE BELIEVE ME, IF YOUR MOM'S NOT COOL ENOUGH TO LET YOU GO TO THE MALL, SHE'S NOT COOL ENOUGH TO LET YOU DRIVE AT NIGHT, UNDERAGE, WITHOUT A LICENSE.
BUT HEY, WE'RE NOT DRINKING, AND YOU FINISHED ALL YOUR HOMEWORK.
MOST OF IT.
YES! MOST OF YOUR HOMEWORK.
(laughs) (sounds of video game playing on TV) PUT THAT IN YOUR CENTRIFUGE, KIM JONG IL! WHAT THE FUDGE? IS THA "AXIS POWER OF EVIL 3"? DAD LET ME AND MY FRIEND STAN CAMP OUT AT THE MALL.
WE WERE FIRST IN LINE.
W-WELL, CAN I BORROW IT? GO TO THE MALL AND GET YOUR OWN.
OOH! OH, HELL NO.
NO, NO, NO.
THREE DAYS AGO, SOME MANIACS TRIED TO RUN ME DOWN.
I THINK THEY WERE ON DRUGS.
SO, JIM, WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME? RIGHT NOW.
I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.
YOU BACKED INTO MY VAN WITH YOUR TRUCK.
I DIDN'T KNOW I DID THAT.
WAS I HURT? OH (groans) JIM, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I WARNED YOU ABOUT BACKING OUT OF THE GARAGE WITHOUT LOOKING? I ALWAYS LOOK.
NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU'RE ALWAYS MESSING WITH THE RADIO OR PUTTING SUGAR IN YOUR COFFEE.
OR PLUCKING NOSE HAIRS.
I'VE SEEN IT.
YOU KNOW, ALL I HEAR ARE ACCUSATIONS.
I SEE NO HARD EVIDENCE.
OKAY, THERE'S A DEN IN THE BACK OF YOUR TRUCK THAT EXACTLY MATCHES A DEN IN THE FRONT OF MY VAN.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD EVIDENCE.
AND I'M GUESSING YOUR TRUCK DIDN'T DRIVE ITSELF.
OH, I SEE.
SO YOU DIDN'T DO IT, AND, UH, NO ONE ELSE IN THIS FAMILY HAS A LICENSE, RIGHT? SO I GUESS, LOGICALLY THEN, IT WOULD BE ME.
JIM, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THA TO A MEMBER OF YOUR OWN FAMILY.
KYLE, LOOK, SANTA CLAUS! (laughs maniacally) AFTERNOON.
(sighs) WAIT.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME? YEAH, WE'RE OU OF APPLE JUICE.
(stammering) I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE LEAVING ME HANGING WITH YOUR ACCIDENT.
MY ACCIDENT? THERE'S PLENTY OF HARD EVIDENCE THAT IT'S YOUR ACCIDENT.
(groans) KNOCK IT OFF.
SIT DOWN.
NOW I KNOW YOU BACKED MY TRUCK INTO MOM'S VAN.
I WANTED TO PRACTICE DRIVING.
YOU AND MOM WEN FOR A WALK, AND THE KEYS WERE JUST SITTING THERE.
LOOK, MISTAKES WERE MADE.
YEAH, I THINK HAVING YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN ONE OF 'EM.
NOW YOU GOTTA COME CLEAN, AND YOU GOTTA TELL YOUR MOM EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING? YES, EVERYTHING.
THAT I BACKED YOUR TRUCK INTO HER VAN YES.
BECAUSE YOU LET ME DRIVE THE TRUCK THE OTHER NIGHT? (inhales sharply) HOLD ON, MISSY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO HERE, AND IT'S NOT WORKING.
OH, REALLY? YES, REALLY.
I'M SORRY, MOM.
I REALIZED ONCE I GOT TO THE MALL, I WAS IN WAY OVER MY HEAD, BUT DAD SAID IT'D BUILD CHARACTER, AND THEN HE MADE ME DRIVE THE TRUCK SO THAT HE COULD BE THE COOL DAD.
(inhales sharply) (voice cracking) BUT I DIDN' FEEL COOL AT ALL.
OH.
WOW.
YOU KNOW, A FATHER LOOKS FORWARD TO THOSE MOMENTS IN HIS DAUGHTER'S LIFE-- THE FIRST WORDS, THE FIRST STEPS, NOT THE FIRST BLACKMAIL! WELL, HERE'S ONE FOR YOUR PHOTO ALBUM.
AN 11th GRADER IS HAVING A PARTY SATURDAY NIGHT, AND GUESS WHO'S DECIDED SHE'S GOING.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
NOPE, AND YOU'RE DRIVING ME.
WHAT? UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO GO TALK TO MOM.
WAIT, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? OH, JIM.
J-JIM?! YOU--YOU-- YOU GOT ME HANDCUFFED, GIRL.
NICE JOB.
IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER (sighs) I FEEL REALLY BAD JACKING YOU UP LIKE THIS.
THAT IS A LIE.
WOW, LOOK AT THAT.
YOU'RE SO COOL YOU CAN RECOGNIZE WHEN I'M LYING TO YOU.
RUBY! (grunts) THAT'S FAR ENOUGH.
PICK ME UP AT MIDNIGHT.
MIDNIGHT? I'LL TEXT YOU IF IT'S GONNA BE LATER.
OKAY, AND I'LL TEXT YOU WITH THE ADDRESS OF YOUR NEW FOSTER HOME.
PERHAPS YOU'VE FORGOTTEN.
I'VE GOT YOU HANDCUFFED.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT.
YOU DO HAVE ME HANDCUFFED, AND NOW I HAVE YOU HANDCUFFED.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME! YES, I CAN.
OH, MY GOSH, RUBY, JOSH JUST TALKED TO ZACH.
HE WAS TOTALLY ASKING ABOUT YOU.
RUBE, THAT IS TOTALLY EPICALLY AWESOME.
UM, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
COME ON, RUBE, LET'S GO SEE IF ZACH WANTS TO DANCE.
JOSH, DO YOU REALLY THINK ZACH WANTS TO DANCE? TOTALLY.
TOTALLY! LET'S GO DANCE, BABY.
COME ON, LET'S GO DANCE.
OH! COULD YOU GUYS GIVE ME A SECOND? I NEED TO PAY MY CAB DRIVER.
DO I LOOK LIKE A CAB DRIVER? TAKE ME HOME.
TAKE YOU HOME? WHAT--WHA DO YOU WANT TO GO NOW FOR? WE JUST GOT HERE.
I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU EMBARRASS ME IN FRON OF ALL MY FRIENDS.
HOW CAN I EMBARRASS YOU, RUBY? I'M THE SECOND-COOLEST DAD GOING.
COME ON, LET'S DANCE.
WOW! START TALKING.
DO I HAVE TO? UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE HANDCUFFED TO ME AT THE PROM, START TALKING.
OH, COME ON, RUBY, YOU'RE A GOOD KID.
I-I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE ACTING LIKE THIS ALL OF A SUDDEN.
BECAUSE LATELY, MOM WON'T LET ME DO ANYTHING, AND I'M NO A LITTLE KID ANYMORE.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE.
YOU LIE LIKE AN ADULT, AND YOU BLACKMAIL LIKE THE RUSSIAN MOB.
I WASN'T TOTALLY MAKING IT UP.
YOU ARE KIND OF THE COOL ONE.
I JUST MEAN I CAN TALK TO YOU.
AND THAT'S THE KIND OF REWARD I GET FOR BEING COOL, YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME? I KNOW.
I SHOULDN' HAVE DONE THAT.
(sighs) BUT IT WAS SO EASY.
OH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S MY FAULT, TOO.
I MEAN, I SHOULDN'T HAVE LIED TO YOUR MOTHER FOR YOU.
I KNOW.
I MEAN, IT'S WRONG, IT DOESN'T HELP, AND HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA LEARN TO LIE FOR YOURSELF? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? YOU WANT MY ADVICE? LEAVE ME THE HELL OUT OF IT.
I MEAN, COME ON, FACE IT.
I-I GOTTA TAKE YOUR MOM'S SIDE ON THESE THINGS, RUBY.
WHY? WELL, WE'RE A TEAM, AND WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE HALF MY STUFF.
GREAT.
BE PREPARED FOR A LO OF SCREAMING THEN.
RUBY, IF THINGS GET BAD, I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU.
I MEAN, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING OR HELP YOU, BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU.
I'M NEVER GONNA FIGH WITH MY DAUGHTER.
RIGHT.
WAIT UNTIL SHE TAKES YOUR CAR WITHOUT PERMISSION AND CRASHES INTO YOUR OTHER CAR.
ALL I'M HEARING IS I'VE GOT TWO CARS.
(chuckles) HONEY, YOU JUST GOTTA GIVE IT SOME TIME.
TRUST ME.
YOU AND YOUR MOM WILL WORK THINGS OUT.
THANKS, DAD.
YOU ARE COOL.
MM, YEAH.
(tires squealing, crash) OH, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? OH, MY GOD.
YOU HIT MOM'S CAR.
OH, CRAP! CRAP! CRAP.
CRAP.
HEY, BACK FROM THE LIBRARY ALREADY? MOM, WE NEED TO TALK.
OKAY.
THE THING IS, WE KIND-- UH, RUBY, LET ME HANDLE THIS.
WHY DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS, HIT THE SACK? YOU SURE? YEAH.
AW.
WOW, THAT WAS UNEXPECTED.
YOU KNOW, CHERYL, MAYBE I DON'T SAY THIS ENOUGH, BUT YOU'RE A GOOD MOTHER.
THAT'S EVEN MORE UNEXPECTED.
YOU KNOW, CHERYL (sighs) I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR CAR.
I AM, UH, JUST TIRED OF HIDING THE TRUTH.
WELL, JIM, I AM VERY HAPPY TO HEAR THAT.
I DIDN'T HIT IT.
ANDY DID BOTH TIMES.
WAIT, WHAT--WHA DO YOU MEAN BOTH TIMES? WELL, AGAIN TONIGHT.
NO WAY! YES! OH, MY GOD--AND--AND TO THINK I FELT SO BAD FOR HIM WHEN HE ALMOST GO RUN OVER AT THE MALL.
HE MAKES THOSE STORIES UP.
NO! I THINK HE'S ON DRUGS.
OH, MY GOD.