All In The Family s08e13 Episode Script
Edith's Crisis of Faith (1)
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days [SINGING NONSENSE.]
Ooh, ouch.
Ooh.
[LAUGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- It's me, Ma.
- Oh, yeah, Gloria.
A glorious song of hope Oh! Hi, Ma, I can only stay-- Oh, Mom, mwah! I can only stay a minute 'cause Joey's sleeping and the baby-sitter didn't get there yet.
What's the big surprise? Come on and read this.
"Beverley La Salle, "world-famous female impersonator" Carnegie Hall, December 27th! That's wonderful, Beverley's gonna play Carnegie Hall.
We're gonna go, aren't we? Oh, sure, and that ain't all.
Guess who just stopped by and left them presents, and is upstairs right now tryin' on his dress he's gonna wear at Carnegie Hall? Guess! Is it Beverly La Salle? You guessed! What am I gonna wear to Carnegie Hall? Are ya up there, Beverley, you big, bogus bimbo? Hi, you little sawed-off sexpot.
Stand back, and prepare to be dazzled.
I stepped out of a dream I am too wonderful to me, I seem Oh, Beverly, oh! Do you think it's too busy? No, Beverly, it's beautiful.
You look exquisite.
I do, don't I? Oh, Beverly, where did you ever get that? Oh, I have the best dress-maker in the whole world.
Who is she? Mr.
Florence.
Mr.
Florence, is that a he or a she? Yes.
I'll explain it to you later, Ma.
Bye, Beverly.
I gotta get home to Joey.
Ma, Michael and I want you to and Daddy to come over and help us decorate the tree tonight.
You too, Beverly.
Oh, I can't, I have to rehearse.
All right for you, you dizzy queen, you.
Oh, Carnegie Hall.
I ain't never been to Carnegie Hall.
I went with Archie once to get a suit at Robert Hall.
Well, you're going to get to Carnegie Hall, and you're gonna have the best seats in the house.
Oh, Beverly, that's so sweet of you.
Well, who deserves it more than the man who saved my life and his wonderful wife and family? You don't have to go right now.
Sit down and talk to me while I set the table.
Sit down in this dress? Are you kidding? [IMITATING MAE WEST.]
One false move and you'll have wall-to-wall foam rubber, aw.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Bette Davis.
Oh, Beverly, Archie is gonna be so surprised to see you.
I'll bet.
Since you're stayin' all next week, why don't you come and have Christmas dinner with us? I'd love to.
Good! You don't have to dress up, just come as you are.
Oh, I mean, uh, you don't have to wear a dress.
You better not.
Oh, Beverly, I got somethin' for ya.
It's very special.
I was gonna save it for Christmas, but I'm gonna show you right now.
I love surprises.
What is it? My whole career's built on surprises.
Here you are.
A scrapbook.
I saved all your reviews from all over the country.
Aren't you nice? Oh, well, we're just proud of you.
I mean, there have been celebrities in this house-- Sammy Davis Jr.
, and Lena Fleischacker, whose niece did a TV commercial for bad breath, but you're the only one that's like family.
I love you, Edith.
To me, you're like a sister.
Oh, Beverly, to me you're like a sister.
Uh, no, I mean brother.
Oh, well, both rolled into one.
Edith, I'm home.
EDITH: Oh, yeah, Archie.
Where are you? Archie, don't come in here.
I'm in the kitchen.
Oh, well, I'm already sittin' at the table, Edith, with the knife and fork poised in my hand here, and my starved-to-death eyes are lookin' down on nothin'.
Don't--don't come out here.
I got a surprise for ya.
Are you cookin' in your underwear again? That was just on one of them hot days.
Archie, I got a surprise for ya.
Close your eyes.
Oh, jeez, all right.
Are your eyes closed? All right, Edith, but hurry it up, will ya? All right, now don't peak.
Oh, come on, Edith.
Don't keep my eyes covered up all day, will ya? Jeez, I'm hungry.
What is it? I got a rubbery feelin' it's Beverly La Salle.
Merry Christmas, Mr.
Bunker! No, don't kiss me no more there, Beverly.
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease there.
Don't Beverly look beautiful, Archie? What? Well Oh, holy jeez.
Oh, yeah, you look beautiful there, Beverly, yeah.
Jeez, if you come through the streets to this house lookin' like that, you're lucky you got here alive.
Archie, Beverly didn't come here in this.
She was modelin' it for us, 'cause he's gonna wear it in his new show next week at Carnegie Hall.
And you're all going to be my guests.
Oh, guests, well, now, wait a minute there, Beverly.
I--I don't know about that, but let me ask you-- i-is the show dirty? Sophisticated.
Very dirty, huh? You'll love it.
Well, I've gotta go.
I've gotta get to rehearsal.
Fa la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Don we now our gay apparel Fa la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la She looks like Howard Cosell in drag.
Oh, Archie.
Beverly's gonna be here all next week, so I invited him to Christmas dinner.
You done what? Well, I thought it would be nice.
- Edith, I do not want her - Him! Um, him, whatever.
I do not want whatever to have [RAISING VOICE.]
Christmas dinner--! Shh! [MUMBLING.]
With us.
Archie, Beverly's all alone.
I mean, his family is all gone! Sure, they're all gone.
They run like hell away from him.
Oh, they died! Sure, they died of shame.
Aw, gee.
We're all God's children.
God loves everybody, including Beverly, and he don't want nobody to be alone on Christmas.
Besides, I already invited him.
Now, let me tell you somethin' you're forgetting lately.
A man's home is his castle, and in this here castle, I am king.
And I am queen.
Well, this king can only handle one queen at a time, so disinvite her! Merry Christmas, everybody! Honey.
Hi, Mike.
What? Oh, yeah.
Look at this.
He's always makin' love like he's gonna be hung tomorrow.
Why are you always bothered by a simple show of affection? Because I hate it.
EDITH: Here's Beverly.
You remember Beverly La Salle, Mike.
Beverly? Gee, how are you? I didn't recognize you without your dress on.
He looks damn good without his dress on.
Let me tell you somethin' there, Bev.
You keep on wearin' men's clothes, and I'll be willin' to bet that in no time at all, you could turn yourself around.
Oh, don't be givin' me them looks.
These here problems are much more easy solved than you liberals would have us believe.
Archie, Beverly ain't got no problem.
He's a perfectly normal female impersonator.
Thank you.
[KISSES.]
Oh.
[KISSES.]
I'm only sayin' that she looks wonderful in those pants.
But who'd come to Carnegie Hall to see me in pants? Well, they might if you worked up some kind of an act there.
Hey, you could learn to play the violin, like that guy I once heard, "Yenuhu Menuhu.
" I gotta go.
Is there any place nearby I can get a cab? Oh, yeah, there's a place up on Northern Boulevard.
I'll walk you there.
I gotta stop by the store anyway.
Uh, listen, listen.
Save the family name, will ya, and walk way ahead of him.
Where you goin', honey? I gotta get a new star for the top of the tree.
I love the old star.
What the hell'd you do with it, eat it? Arch, the star was made out of glass, aluminum, and wire.
Oh, that's right.
You don't eat wire.
Have a wonderful afternoon, Edith.
Thank you.
- Bye, Beverly.
- Good-bye, Gloria.
- Don't forget, we'll see you Christmas at 3:00.
- Great.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Arch and I can watch the football game, have a couple beers, sit around and punch each other.
Did you hear the voice on him there? She could change herself over like that.
What a dumb thing to say.
Don't call me dumb.
Go home to your house.
Watch the baby.
The gypsies will come and steal him.
Nobody's gonna steal Joey with Cybil Goulie lookin' after him.
Here, grumpy, this is for you.
No, no, I don't want no Christmas present.
It's not a Christmas present.
You didn't get me nothin', huh? Would you just open it? It's somethin' for you to wear.
Archie Bunker don't need no clothes for the rest of his life.
Oh! Look, Daddy.
Ain't this beautiful? Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, that ain't for me, little girl.
But we all decided that you're gonna play Santa Claus this year for Joey.
Oh, no, no, no.
If you don't I'll cry.
Listen, don't think you can change my mind with cryin' anymore, little girl.
Now, you just go home and tell your husband to play Santy.
But Michael doesn't have a big belly, and you do.
Now, do it! What the hell ever happened to the good old days, when kids was scared to death of their parents? Archie, come on.
Your belly makes you look more jolly.
Stop! Stop! Stop that.
Don't touch me in the livin' room! Please, for Joey? It'll look so cute, and we'll take lots of pictures.
I said no.
You won't do it, then I'm gonna be-- All right, all right, all right, all right.
All right! Good.
[KNOCK.]
Somebody's here.
Hiya, folks.
Oh, hiya, Barney.
Hey, Arch.
Arch, I gotta talk to you a minute.
What do you want, Barney? Come on out here.
What do you mean out here? Now, come on, Barney, what are you doin'? It's cold out here.
Draggin' me out on the porch.
Oh, look at this.
Don't you know that snowflakes is full of germs? Never mind that.
Listen, is Mike in the house? No, he went to the store.
Oh, jeez, maybe it was him.
What are you talkin' about? Two guys were just mugged down on the corner.
Now, I didn't see it, but someone said that one of the guys looked like Mike.
Now, the cops and ambulance are on their way.
[SIRENS APPROACHING.]
Mike got mugged? Yeah.
GLORIA: What did you just say? Don't tell them.
Mike got mugged.
[GROANS.]
Michael.
Michael! Ah, boy.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, Michael! Michael! Oh, your arm! [WHINING.]
Your arm! Oh, and your head! Your head! And your eye! [CRYING.]
Your eye! Gee, honey, thanks for coming by to cheer me up.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I won't do it anymore.
I can't help it! Gloria, please, don't cry.
What a night-- first a mugging, now a drowning.
Honey, are you all right? - I'm fine.
- Are you sure? Yes, I am positive.
H-how's Beverly? We don't know.
He hasn't come out of Emergency yet.
What happened? Oh, this gang of rotten kids jumped us.
I don't even think they were after our money.
This one guy had a lead pipe.
Just as he was about to hit me over the head, Beverly tackled him.
He saved my life! But then two of them, they started beating on Beverly.
I guess they figured out what he was, and they just started smashing him with the pipe.
I don't want to hear any more.
Oh, honey I'm just so glad that's you're gonna be okay.
Gloria.
Gl-Gloria - Gloria! - What? Uh, I never thought I'd say this, but I have a headache.
Mr.
Bunker? Are you kiddin'? Mr.
and Mrs.
Bunker, you're related to Michael Stivic? Yeah, he's our son-in-law.
Is he all right, doctor? Mr.
Stivic is fine.
Oh, thank God.
Are you also related to Beverly La Salle? Oh, no, jeez, no.
Yeah, he's a very dear friend.
Perhaps you can help.
I'm trying to locate his next of kin.
Next of kin, why? You wanna operate on him or somethin'? I'm afraid it's gone beyond that.
Uh, well, uh, what do you mean by that? Oh, uh, you ain't tellin' us that he's, uh I'm sorry.
He just died.
Edith, uh uh, did you make coffee? Oh, yeah.
I'll get you some.
Yeah.
Uh, you know, Edith, uh, what surprises me is all the fuss they're makin' today about all the sugar in things, you know? I mean, take this cereal.
Jeez, if they didn't load it with sugar, you'd throw up in the cereal.
You made it kinda weak, huh? Oh, I forgot.
Sorry, I'll make you some more.
No, I can make it myself.
No, you better get yourself dressed for church.
All right.
Yeah.
[EDITH SIGHS.]
Oh, jeez.
[SIGHS.]
"Lookie, lookie, lookie, all youse kids.
"Realistic, full-detail, authentic, scale "reproduction space shuttle Enterprise.
Send any two box-tops and 50 cents.
" Sounds like a quality toy.
Hiya, Daddy.
Oh, hello there, little girl.
Where's Ma? Gettin' dressed for church.
Oh.
You want some coffee? No, no, I don't want none, no.
Yeah, well, I do.
Why did you let me do that? I don't know.
Some holiday.
Boy, if it wasn't for little Joey, we probably wouldn't be celebratin' at all.
Yeah, well, that reminds me, little girl.
Uh, this here Santy suit over here, I think you ought to take that back to the store, or wherever you got it, because with all that's happened over here, I don't feel like no ho-ho-hoing, I'll tell ya.
Oh, Daddy, come on, please.
Just try it on.
You'll see you're gonna look adorable.
Oh, don't.
No, no, no.
Yes, you look good.
Yes.
I said no.
And I said yes.
I said no.
And I said yes.
Now, who you gonna listen to? You.
Let me just put this on you.
Oh, that, too? Oh-- Daddy, you see, you look so cute, and Joey will love it.
You walk in, you say ho-ho-ho, he'll go crazy.
You look cute! Cute.
[LAUGHS.]
Don't laugh! I'm sorry.
You just look adorable, Daddy.
Why don't you leave it on, so that when Ma comes down she can have a good laugh, huh? Shh.
Hi, Ma.
Oh, hi, Gloria.
How's Mike? He's okay.
That's good.
Hey, hey, get me a nurse here, Edith, huh? Huh? Oh, Archie.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Oh, this ain't Archie.
This is you-know-who.
Hey, little girl, what would you like for Christmas? I want Beverly to be alive.
Oh, Edith, jeez.
I can't understand it.
I mean, everything was goin' so good for him, and then somebody had to kill him.
Yeah, just because he was different.
I'll see you after church.
Jeez, I wish she could get some cheerin' up someplace, you know? How many laughs are you gonna get in an hour in church? I don't know.
Ma usually comes back from church feelin' pretty good.
You know, I wish I had told Beverly what a nice fella she was, but you don't know how to talk to them people, you know? You don't know what to say there, so you don't say nothin'.
Then, all of a sudden, they up and die, and the leave you hangin'.
[SIGHS.]
Jeez.
But what you said before, he was different.
See, that's a lesson to learn there.
Everybody should try hard to be the same as everybody else, you know? Because, I mean, that way life is a lot easier, you see, for them people, and also easier for the rest of us normal people.
Did you really like Beverly, Daddy? Oh, yeah, sure I did.
I mean, you know, she was a nice fella.
Generous there and kind, always wrote letters to your mother there, Yeah.
and no matter how much she may have wanted to, she never laid a hand on me.
Much too big for a dame, but she had a nice pair of legs.
Why is it that people always say nice things about somebody after they die? Well, because people are scared that the departed soul might be "hoovering" around someplace listenin' to what's said.
[HUMS EERILY.]
Oh, don't do that.
It puts a chill across me here! [GASPS.]
Ooh, ooh.
Don't do that.
But, Daddy, there's somebody sittin' on the porch.
Yeah, is it wearin' big, black rings? No, come look.
Oh, don't kid around at a time like this.
Get up.
There's someone sitting on the porch.
I don't wanna get up there.
Would you get up? Ah, cut this out.
Let go of my hands here.
Daddy, who's out there? It's your mother.
I know.
Hey, uh, hey--hey, Edith there.
Hey, look at the time there.
Shouldn't you be in church now, huh? I ain't goin' to church.
What's the matter, Ma? You always go to church on Sunday.
Well, I ain't goin' today.
Well, that's all right.
That's all right, Edith.
[MOUTHS WORDS[ You don't have to go to church today.
You go to church next Sunday.
Maybe I won't go next Sunday, neither.
Oh, that's all right.
Listen, Edith, you went to church many's the time over the years.
Sometimes I think you over-went.
The way I feel today, I may not go to churchever.
Well, now, Edith, you know, I hate to cross you in things like this here, but I really think that somebody from the family oughta kinda be there, representing us in front of God.
Why? What good does it do? Oh, Ma.
Ma.
Hey, I didn't do nothin'.
ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Ooh, ouch.
Ooh.
[LAUGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- It's me, Ma.
- Oh, yeah, Gloria.
A glorious song of hope Oh! Hi, Ma, I can only stay-- Oh, Mom, mwah! I can only stay a minute 'cause Joey's sleeping and the baby-sitter didn't get there yet.
What's the big surprise? Come on and read this.
"Beverley La Salle, "world-famous female impersonator" Carnegie Hall, December 27th! That's wonderful, Beverley's gonna play Carnegie Hall.
We're gonna go, aren't we? Oh, sure, and that ain't all.
Guess who just stopped by and left them presents, and is upstairs right now tryin' on his dress he's gonna wear at Carnegie Hall? Guess! Is it Beverly La Salle? You guessed! What am I gonna wear to Carnegie Hall? Are ya up there, Beverley, you big, bogus bimbo? Hi, you little sawed-off sexpot.
Stand back, and prepare to be dazzled.
I stepped out of a dream I am too wonderful to me, I seem Oh, Beverly, oh! Do you think it's too busy? No, Beverly, it's beautiful.
You look exquisite.
I do, don't I? Oh, Beverly, where did you ever get that? Oh, I have the best dress-maker in the whole world.
Who is she? Mr.
Florence.
Mr.
Florence, is that a he or a she? Yes.
I'll explain it to you later, Ma.
Bye, Beverly.
I gotta get home to Joey.
Ma, Michael and I want you to and Daddy to come over and help us decorate the tree tonight.
You too, Beverly.
Oh, I can't, I have to rehearse.
All right for you, you dizzy queen, you.
Oh, Carnegie Hall.
I ain't never been to Carnegie Hall.
I went with Archie once to get a suit at Robert Hall.
Well, you're going to get to Carnegie Hall, and you're gonna have the best seats in the house.
Oh, Beverly, that's so sweet of you.
Well, who deserves it more than the man who saved my life and his wonderful wife and family? You don't have to go right now.
Sit down and talk to me while I set the table.
Sit down in this dress? Are you kidding? [IMITATING MAE WEST.]
One false move and you'll have wall-to-wall foam rubber, aw.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Bette Davis.
Oh, Beverly, Archie is gonna be so surprised to see you.
I'll bet.
Since you're stayin' all next week, why don't you come and have Christmas dinner with us? I'd love to.
Good! You don't have to dress up, just come as you are.
Oh, I mean, uh, you don't have to wear a dress.
You better not.
Oh, Beverly, I got somethin' for ya.
It's very special.
I was gonna save it for Christmas, but I'm gonna show you right now.
I love surprises.
What is it? My whole career's built on surprises.
Here you are.
A scrapbook.
I saved all your reviews from all over the country.
Aren't you nice? Oh, well, we're just proud of you.
I mean, there have been celebrities in this house-- Sammy Davis Jr.
, and Lena Fleischacker, whose niece did a TV commercial for bad breath, but you're the only one that's like family.
I love you, Edith.
To me, you're like a sister.
Oh, Beverly, to me you're like a sister.
Uh, no, I mean brother.
Oh, well, both rolled into one.
Edith, I'm home.
EDITH: Oh, yeah, Archie.
Where are you? Archie, don't come in here.
I'm in the kitchen.
Oh, well, I'm already sittin' at the table, Edith, with the knife and fork poised in my hand here, and my starved-to-death eyes are lookin' down on nothin'.
Don't--don't come out here.
I got a surprise for ya.
Are you cookin' in your underwear again? That was just on one of them hot days.
Archie, I got a surprise for ya.
Close your eyes.
Oh, jeez, all right.
Are your eyes closed? All right, Edith, but hurry it up, will ya? All right, now don't peak.
Oh, come on, Edith.
Don't keep my eyes covered up all day, will ya? Jeez, I'm hungry.
What is it? I got a rubbery feelin' it's Beverly La Salle.
Merry Christmas, Mr.
Bunker! No, don't kiss me no more there, Beverly.
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease there.
Don't Beverly look beautiful, Archie? What? Well Oh, holy jeez.
Oh, yeah, you look beautiful there, Beverly, yeah.
Jeez, if you come through the streets to this house lookin' like that, you're lucky you got here alive.
Archie, Beverly didn't come here in this.
She was modelin' it for us, 'cause he's gonna wear it in his new show next week at Carnegie Hall.
And you're all going to be my guests.
Oh, guests, well, now, wait a minute there, Beverly.
I--I don't know about that, but let me ask you-- i-is the show dirty? Sophisticated.
Very dirty, huh? You'll love it.
Well, I've gotta go.
I've gotta get to rehearsal.
Fa la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Don we now our gay apparel Fa la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la She looks like Howard Cosell in drag.
Oh, Archie.
Beverly's gonna be here all next week, so I invited him to Christmas dinner.
You done what? Well, I thought it would be nice.
- Edith, I do not want her - Him! Um, him, whatever.
I do not want whatever to have [RAISING VOICE.]
Christmas dinner--! Shh! [MUMBLING.]
With us.
Archie, Beverly's all alone.
I mean, his family is all gone! Sure, they're all gone.
They run like hell away from him.
Oh, they died! Sure, they died of shame.
Aw, gee.
We're all God's children.
God loves everybody, including Beverly, and he don't want nobody to be alone on Christmas.
Besides, I already invited him.
Now, let me tell you somethin' you're forgetting lately.
A man's home is his castle, and in this here castle, I am king.
And I am queen.
Well, this king can only handle one queen at a time, so disinvite her! Merry Christmas, everybody! Honey.
Hi, Mike.
What? Oh, yeah.
Look at this.
He's always makin' love like he's gonna be hung tomorrow.
Why are you always bothered by a simple show of affection? Because I hate it.
EDITH: Here's Beverly.
You remember Beverly La Salle, Mike.
Beverly? Gee, how are you? I didn't recognize you without your dress on.
He looks damn good without his dress on.
Let me tell you somethin' there, Bev.
You keep on wearin' men's clothes, and I'll be willin' to bet that in no time at all, you could turn yourself around.
Oh, don't be givin' me them looks.
These here problems are much more easy solved than you liberals would have us believe.
Archie, Beverly ain't got no problem.
He's a perfectly normal female impersonator.
Thank you.
[KISSES.]
Oh.
[KISSES.]
I'm only sayin' that she looks wonderful in those pants.
But who'd come to Carnegie Hall to see me in pants? Well, they might if you worked up some kind of an act there.
Hey, you could learn to play the violin, like that guy I once heard, "Yenuhu Menuhu.
" I gotta go.
Is there any place nearby I can get a cab? Oh, yeah, there's a place up on Northern Boulevard.
I'll walk you there.
I gotta stop by the store anyway.
Uh, listen, listen.
Save the family name, will ya, and walk way ahead of him.
Where you goin', honey? I gotta get a new star for the top of the tree.
I love the old star.
What the hell'd you do with it, eat it? Arch, the star was made out of glass, aluminum, and wire.
Oh, that's right.
You don't eat wire.
Have a wonderful afternoon, Edith.
Thank you.
- Bye, Beverly.
- Good-bye, Gloria.
- Don't forget, we'll see you Christmas at 3:00.
- Great.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Arch and I can watch the football game, have a couple beers, sit around and punch each other.
Did you hear the voice on him there? She could change herself over like that.
What a dumb thing to say.
Don't call me dumb.
Go home to your house.
Watch the baby.
The gypsies will come and steal him.
Nobody's gonna steal Joey with Cybil Goulie lookin' after him.
Here, grumpy, this is for you.
No, no, I don't want no Christmas present.
It's not a Christmas present.
You didn't get me nothin', huh? Would you just open it? It's somethin' for you to wear.
Archie Bunker don't need no clothes for the rest of his life.
Oh! Look, Daddy.
Ain't this beautiful? Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, that ain't for me, little girl.
But we all decided that you're gonna play Santa Claus this year for Joey.
Oh, no, no, no.
If you don't I'll cry.
Listen, don't think you can change my mind with cryin' anymore, little girl.
Now, you just go home and tell your husband to play Santy.
But Michael doesn't have a big belly, and you do.
Now, do it! What the hell ever happened to the good old days, when kids was scared to death of their parents? Archie, come on.
Your belly makes you look more jolly.
Stop! Stop! Stop that.
Don't touch me in the livin' room! Please, for Joey? It'll look so cute, and we'll take lots of pictures.
I said no.
You won't do it, then I'm gonna be-- All right, all right, all right, all right.
All right! Good.
[KNOCK.]
Somebody's here.
Hiya, folks.
Oh, hiya, Barney.
Hey, Arch.
Arch, I gotta talk to you a minute.
What do you want, Barney? Come on out here.
What do you mean out here? Now, come on, Barney, what are you doin'? It's cold out here.
Draggin' me out on the porch.
Oh, look at this.
Don't you know that snowflakes is full of germs? Never mind that.
Listen, is Mike in the house? No, he went to the store.
Oh, jeez, maybe it was him.
What are you talkin' about? Two guys were just mugged down on the corner.
Now, I didn't see it, but someone said that one of the guys looked like Mike.
Now, the cops and ambulance are on their way.
[SIRENS APPROACHING.]
Mike got mugged? Yeah.
GLORIA: What did you just say? Don't tell them.
Mike got mugged.
[GROANS.]
Michael.
Michael! Ah, boy.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, Michael! Michael! Oh, your arm! [WHINING.]
Your arm! Oh, and your head! Your head! And your eye! [CRYING.]
Your eye! Gee, honey, thanks for coming by to cheer me up.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I won't do it anymore.
I can't help it! Gloria, please, don't cry.
What a night-- first a mugging, now a drowning.
Honey, are you all right? - I'm fine.
- Are you sure? Yes, I am positive.
H-how's Beverly? We don't know.
He hasn't come out of Emergency yet.
What happened? Oh, this gang of rotten kids jumped us.
I don't even think they were after our money.
This one guy had a lead pipe.
Just as he was about to hit me over the head, Beverly tackled him.
He saved my life! But then two of them, they started beating on Beverly.
I guess they figured out what he was, and they just started smashing him with the pipe.
I don't want to hear any more.
Oh, honey I'm just so glad that's you're gonna be okay.
Gloria.
Gl-Gloria - Gloria! - What? Uh, I never thought I'd say this, but I have a headache.
Mr.
Bunker? Are you kiddin'? Mr.
and Mrs.
Bunker, you're related to Michael Stivic? Yeah, he's our son-in-law.
Is he all right, doctor? Mr.
Stivic is fine.
Oh, thank God.
Are you also related to Beverly La Salle? Oh, no, jeez, no.
Yeah, he's a very dear friend.
Perhaps you can help.
I'm trying to locate his next of kin.
Next of kin, why? You wanna operate on him or somethin'? I'm afraid it's gone beyond that.
Uh, well, uh, what do you mean by that? Oh, uh, you ain't tellin' us that he's, uh I'm sorry.
He just died.
Edith, uh uh, did you make coffee? Oh, yeah.
I'll get you some.
Yeah.
Uh, you know, Edith, uh, what surprises me is all the fuss they're makin' today about all the sugar in things, you know? I mean, take this cereal.
Jeez, if they didn't load it with sugar, you'd throw up in the cereal.
You made it kinda weak, huh? Oh, I forgot.
Sorry, I'll make you some more.
No, I can make it myself.
No, you better get yourself dressed for church.
All right.
Yeah.
[EDITH SIGHS.]
Oh, jeez.
[SIGHS.]
"Lookie, lookie, lookie, all youse kids.
"Realistic, full-detail, authentic, scale "reproduction space shuttle Enterprise.
Send any two box-tops and 50 cents.
" Sounds like a quality toy.
Hiya, Daddy.
Oh, hello there, little girl.
Where's Ma? Gettin' dressed for church.
Oh.
You want some coffee? No, no, I don't want none, no.
Yeah, well, I do.
Why did you let me do that? I don't know.
Some holiday.
Boy, if it wasn't for little Joey, we probably wouldn't be celebratin' at all.
Yeah, well, that reminds me, little girl.
Uh, this here Santy suit over here, I think you ought to take that back to the store, or wherever you got it, because with all that's happened over here, I don't feel like no ho-ho-hoing, I'll tell ya.
Oh, Daddy, come on, please.
Just try it on.
You'll see you're gonna look adorable.
Oh, don't.
No, no, no.
Yes, you look good.
Yes.
I said no.
And I said yes.
I said no.
And I said yes.
Now, who you gonna listen to? You.
Let me just put this on you.
Oh, that, too? Oh-- Daddy, you see, you look so cute, and Joey will love it.
You walk in, you say ho-ho-ho, he'll go crazy.
You look cute! Cute.
[LAUGHS.]
Don't laugh! I'm sorry.
You just look adorable, Daddy.
Why don't you leave it on, so that when Ma comes down she can have a good laugh, huh? Shh.
Hi, Ma.
Oh, hi, Gloria.
How's Mike? He's okay.
That's good.
Hey, hey, get me a nurse here, Edith, huh? Huh? Oh, Archie.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Oh, this ain't Archie.
This is you-know-who.
Hey, little girl, what would you like for Christmas? I want Beverly to be alive.
Oh, Edith, jeez.
I can't understand it.
I mean, everything was goin' so good for him, and then somebody had to kill him.
Yeah, just because he was different.
I'll see you after church.
Jeez, I wish she could get some cheerin' up someplace, you know? How many laughs are you gonna get in an hour in church? I don't know.
Ma usually comes back from church feelin' pretty good.
You know, I wish I had told Beverly what a nice fella she was, but you don't know how to talk to them people, you know? You don't know what to say there, so you don't say nothin'.
Then, all of a sudden, they up and die, and the leave you hangin'.
[SIGHS.]
Jeez.
But what you said before, he was different.
See, that's a lesson to learn there.
Everybody should try hard to be the same as everybody else, you know? Because, I mean, that way life is a lot easier, you see, for them people, and also easier for the rest of us normal people.
Did you really like Beverly, Daddy? Oh, yeah, sure I did.
I mean, you know, she was a nice fella.
Generous there and kind, always wrote letters to your mother there, Yeah.
and no matter how much she may have wanted to, she never laid a hand on me.
Much too big for a dame, but she had a nice pair of legs.
Why is it that people always say nice things about somebody after they die? Well, because people are scared that the departed soul might be "hoovering" around someplace listenin' to what's said.
[HUMS EERILY.]
Oh, don't do that.
It puts a chill across me here! [GASPS.]
Ooh, ooh.
Don't do that.
But, Daddy, there's somebody sittin' on the porch.
Yeah, is it wearin' big, black rings? No, come look.
Oh, don't kid around at a time like this.
Get up.
There's someone sitting on the porch.
I don't wanna get up there.
Would you get up? Ah, cut this out.
Let go of my hands here.
Daddy, who's out there? It's your mother.
I know.
Hey, uh, hey--hey, Edith there.
Hey, look at the time there.
Shouldn't you be in church now, huh? I ain't goin' to church.
What's the matter, Ma? You always go to church on Sunday.
Well, I ain't goin' today.
Well, that's all right.
That's all right, Edith.
[MOUTHS WORDS[ You don't have to go to church today.
You go to church next Sunday.
Maybe I won't go next Sunday, neither.
Oh, that's all right.
Listen, Edith, you went to church many's the time over the years.
Sometimes I think you over-went.
The way I feel today, I may not go to churchever.
Well, now, Edith, you know, I hate to cross you in things like this here, but I really think that somebody from the family oughta kinda be there, representing us in front of God.
Why? What good does it do? Oh, Ma.
Ma.
Hey, I didn't do nothin'.
ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.