Friends s08e13 Episode Script

"All right", "it's a new day.
" That stuff about Rachel? You don 't feel that now.
It was crazy.
You're fine.
You're better than fine.
"You are", "as your friend Tony" "would say", "Great!" Everything's normal.
"She's just your friend", "Rachel.
" "Your friend", "Rachel.
" Your friend.
Rachel.
- Hi, sweetie.
"- Hey", "it's your girlfriend", "Rachel!" The One Where Chandler Takes A Bath mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 Are you? Are you high? I had the most amazing bath.
- Really? I don't like baths.
- You like them with me.
Honey, it's not the bath I enjoy.
It's the wet, naked lady.
- Baths are so relaxing.
- Really? What do you do? You just sit in there, stewing in your own filth.
How dirty do you think I am? If you had some candles and bubbles and music, you'd love it.
It'd take all your stress away.
It's 2:00 on Wednesday, I'm watching "Road Rules.
" How stressed am I? Hey, Chandler.
I really need to talk to you.
Is this a cold pizza or a leftover-meat loaf talk? - Well, neither.
- Oh, my God, what's up? I don't know.
It's just Lately, I've been feeling Okay, here's what it is.
- I feel a lot better.
Thanks.
- Wait a minute.
Just come back.
You and Monica, friends for a long time.
And sure, there are rules.
But then you went to London.
But that's different.
There are rules there too, know what I mean? Do you? It was different for you guys.
You were both in the same place.
Yes, when Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.
This is a bad idea.
Forget all about it.
This conversation between you and me.
If that.
Ross, don't forget that doctor's appointment.
- Right.
- To find out the sex of the baby? We don't wanna know as long as it's happy and healthy.
Yep, healthy.
And cute.
- Smart.
With an aptitude for science.
- Popular.
Are you two talking about the same baby? - Have you thought of names? - I've come up with a bunch.
- Really? Me too.
- Me too.
Really? If it's a girl, Phoebe.
And if it's a boy, Pheebo.
Maybe.
But it wouldn't hurt to have a backup, you know? Rach, what were you thinking? I was thinking if it's a girl how about Sandrene? It's French.
That's a really pretty name for an industrial solvent.
- Fine.
What do you have? - It's for a boy.
I know it's a little out there, but Darwin.
Our child will be beaten in the schoolyard.
Yeah, by Sandrene.
You're saying that because I said no to you.
I'm really, really not.
How about you each get five vetoes? - That sounds fair.
- I don't think you'll need it.
If it's a girl, Rain.
- Veto.
- Why? Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain.
I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat.
" I know her! I bought a homemade soap from her at a Dead show! - Okay.
How about for a guy, Thatcher? - Why do you hate our child? - Fine, you go.
- Okay.
James.
- But only if it's a girl.
- Veto.
I like Ruth.
What about Ruth? Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we having an 89-year-old? - How about Dayton? - Veto.
Stewart.
Veto.
Sawyer.
- Veto.
Helen.
- Veto.
Is it me, or is Veto starting to sound really good? Boy, do I have a surprise for you.
Sex on the balcony? No.
But someone's not gonna get over that idea.
- What? - I drew you a bath.
I don't like baths.
Could you draw me a picture of sex on the balcony? Try it for me.
I used all my best stuff.
I lit candles, I put on music.
I used bath salts, plus bubble bath.
And got you this little plastic Navy ship! So it's a boy bath.
- This does butch it up a bit.
- I swear, you will love it.
If I do this, can we discuss balcony sex? Absolutely.
But I know how that discussion's gonna go.
"All right", "this isn 't so bad.
" I like the flowery smell.
"Which is okay", because I've got my boat.
- So? - Oh, my God.
I told you you were a bath person.
Hey, maybe I can give you a facial.
I'm gonna need a bigger boat.
I don't think you had an open mind about Ruth.
Little Ruthie Geller? How cute is that? Oh, my God, I can practically hear the mahjong tiles.
All your tests look fine.
Are you interested in the sex of the baby? - No, we're not.
- You have it right there? You know if it's a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrene? Phoebe or Pheebo? But if you don't wanna know - No, we wanna wait.
Right? - Right.
Right.
Oh, I'll be right back.
I know it's really not my place but please don't name your child Pheebo.
So, which of these babies is the ugliest? What? Rach, come on, that's terrible.
They're babies.
They're all beautiful.
- Third one from the left? - Yeah.
Why is it staring at me? I think it knows I'm talking about it.
Don't you? You're looking! - I didn't! - I saw you! Fine, I did, but I didn't see anything.
Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you! - But I didn't - Don't tell me! I don't wanna know! I couldn't, because I don't know! I swear I didn't see anything! It was just a momentary lapse.
Don't you have any self-control? Okay.
A couple months late on the lecture, Ross.
Hello? Can you come in here? There's something wrong.
You know what? I think I'll wait out here.
I'm in the bathtub.
- What's wrong? - I drew a bath, but I did it wrong.
The water's tepid, the salt didn't dissolve and is now lodged places.
And the scents I used don't compliment each other.
Eucalyptus and chamomile? - What? - Bath salts.
They're starting to effervesce.
It's different.
It's interesting.
Let's talk about something else.
Yeah.
Sure.
So, what was going on with you today? I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey.
He was talking about rules and right and wrong.
- I had the same conversation.
- What was he talking about? He hasn't had this much trouble getting out words since he was in "Macbeth.
" - That was a long night.
- What exactly did he say to you? He was talking about rules and looking at people differently.
- Not to me.
- What'd he tell you? He asked about you, me and London.
And the glue that holds this all together, the rules.
Okay.
So you, me and London.
Looking at people differently.
Maybe he wants to do what you and I did in London.
But what'd he mean by "rules"? Wait.
He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in.
- He's looking at her differently.
- Phoebe is his friend.
That'd be breaking the rules.
My God, he wants to do it with Phoebe in London! - You guys? - Just a minute! - That's Mrs.
Tribbiani.
- You don't say anything.
Why would I? That two of our friends could start a great love affair? They'd have me to thank.
Then we could all start having babies! - I won't let you say anything.
- Stay here.
Oh, God! I brought back your iron.
I thought I lost it.
I got a new one a month ago.
Oh, just as well.
I broke this one.
- What? - Nothing.
I really shouldn't say.
I'm really not supposed to.
Fine.
- It's a humdinger.
- Too bad you can't tell me.
Somebody likes you! - Is it Chandler? - No! - Then tell him to stop staring.
- It's Joey.
Really? Joey? You don't say.
- Would you be interested? - I don't know, I don't know.
You know, I mean, on the one hand, "Mother, may I?" But, you know, on the other hand No.
No, I can't.
We're friends.
Oh, no.
I don't wanna risk what we have.
I guess that makes sense.
You think you're gonna talk to him? Sure.
I mean, it's Joey.
I don't want him to get hurt.
Well, I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey.
- Not Chandler.
Just Joey.
- Sure.
You know what? I'm coming around on the name Ruth.
I'd consider naming our child that.
Rach, I can't tell you how much that means to me.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You hated the name Ruth.
Why would you change your mind? Unless you know we're never gonna have to use it.
You did see.
You know it's a boy! I didn't see anything.
I changed my mind.
I don't think so.
You're giving me Ruth so you get to name him when it's a boy.
That's when you'll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia.
I would Sequoia! - Veto.
- Fine.
Unless you anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it actually is a girl.
And you really do want her to be named Ruth.
Well, I'm not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table! - But, Ross, you want the name Ruth.
- Not like this! Hey.
What's up? - Joey, I know.
- What? - I know.
- What? - I know about your feelings.
- Oh, my God, you do? I'm sorry.
Things worked out for Chandler and Monica, but that's rare.
I know.
And this is so much more complicated than it was for them.
I mean, it's Rachel, for God's sakes.
For God's sakes, it's Rachel! I know! She's not only my friend, she's my pregnant friend.
She's my pregnant friend who's Ross' ex! Yeah, that's Rachel.
Beat me over the head with it.
What am I gonna do? I keep trying to get rid of these feelings.
I made a list of everything I don't like about her.
- You wanna hear it? - Yeah.
"She made me switch to light mayo.
" That's it! That's all I got! You know what? Tastes the same and my pants fit better.
- Joey, this is probably just a crush.
- You think? Absolutely.
You get this rush of feelings, but it goes away.
Yeah, just a crush.
That's all this is.
It's a crush! I'm Joey.
I don't get deep feelings.
There you go.
Crushes happen all the time.
I've had them for all you guys.
Except for Ross and Chandler.
- And I'm sure you've had them for us.
- Not really.
Throw me a bone here.
So I called the doctor.
- Now we both know the sex of the baby.
- What? That's right.
The student has become the master.
- Ross, I swear.
I don't know.
- Oh, come on, you know it's a girl.
- A what? - You really didn't know? - We're having a girl? - No.
- That's what you said.
- No.
- You said girl.
- Yes.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not! We're having a girl! Sometimes I can't believe it's with you, but still, we're having a girl! I know! You know what? I'm putting Ruth back on the table.
Yes, we'll have ourselves a little baby Ruth.
- Permission to veto.
- Yes, please.
Do I smell essential oils? I'm gonna take a bath.
I was gonna get a magazine.
What do you think you're doing? Leaving my troubles behind? You're new at this, but this is unacceptable bath decorum.
It's so hard to care when you're this relaxed.
You can have the bath, but I am taking your boat.
Now you're just a girl in a tub.
Hi, bubbles.
Manly.
I thought I'd let you know how it went.
- You told her? - She pulled it out of me! She's like a conversational wizard! How did it go? You were wrong.
He doesn't like me.
How would you like it if I told you that Lee Majors liked you and you found out that he didn't like you? - I don't think I'd care.
- Really? Lee Majors is hot.
- Hello? - We're in the bathroom! - Why? - Because it's a relaxing time! - What are you guys doing in here? - Oh, my God.
A friend he's looking at differently, but it's wrong.
- It's Rachel! - You like Rachel? It's no big deal.
Phoebe and I talked.
It's a crush.
It'll go away.
Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles.
Mazel tov.
Ross and I were looking for you.
What are we all doing in here? Oh, my.
Honey, cover it up with the boat.
Hello? We're all in here, and we'd love for you to join us! Well, hey! What's going on? Oh, cool boat.
Oh, no.
- Did you tell them? - I waited for you.
- Tell us what? - We're having a girl.
Oh, wow! Really? I'll get you later.
All right.
It's a new day.
And it's just a crush.
That's all.
Just a little crush.
All that worrying I was doing? That was crazy.
Like my friend the bird here "would say", "It was cuckoo!" Everything's gonna be fine.
It's just a crush.
- Hi, sweetie.
- I love you.
It's nice to do this together, isn't it? Yeah.
And what you're doing feels so good.
- I'm not touching you.
- You're not? - It's the salts.
- Sweet Lord, new realms of pleasure.
Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy.