The Goldbergs s08e13 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, the economy was booming, Americans were heading into the office.
No one was more into working 9:00 to 5:00 than my mom.
(DOLLY PARTON'S 9 TO 5 PLAYS) Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen Pour myself a cup of ambition And yawn and stretch and try to come to life Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping - (HORNS HONKS) - Out on the street, the traffic starts jumping With folks like me on the job from 9 to 5 Working 9 to 5, what a way to make a living Barely getting by, it's all taking and no giving They just use your mind, and they never give you credit It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it What do you think you're doing? Oh, I'm just exercising my right as an American to complain about the rat race, the grind, the old 9:00 to 5:00.
But secret story I love it.
But we're a school.
We start at 8:00.
But the Dolly Parton song Look, no one loves the Smoky Mountain Songbird more than I do, but that Backwoods Barbie has no bearing on our hours.
My coworkers/best buds will share a chuckle about our overbearing boss.
(BOTH LAUGH) You're a joke.
ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately, this wasn't a workplace big on chuckles.
- Good morning.
- Good morning? I haven't even taken my jacket off yet and this one wants to argue with me.
Who's ready to take on the day? Not me.
I am hung over.
Are cafeteria staff allowed to be in the teachers' lounge? I gotta do my stretches somewhere.
- Ow.
- And who are you? I don't recognize your face from yelling in it.
I'm Miss Hooper, Andrea.
It's my first year teaching, so I'm just quietly going with the flow.
- Do you have my Adam? - No.
Good.
You're a child.
You'll teach him nothing.
Mr.
Glascott, you're usually chipper.
- What's got you down? - Oh, I'm not down.
I'm just having a contemplative moment about turning 55, the same age as the speed I won't exceed.
It's your birthday? Well, how are we celebrating? This yogurt I'm eating has his name on it.
Your parents did it in April.
- Nice.
- BEVERLY: Come on.
We've got to bake a cake, call a school assembly so the kids can sing to him.
This man is your best friend.
Best friend? Where'd you get that horrible notion? Murphy Brown Designing Women.
Cheers.
Mary Tyler Moore.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, those are all fun, but that's a bunch of hooey.
My best friend is my knee medication.
He knows what I like.
Beverly, while I do appreciate your unwanted passion, we don't do that stuff around here.
Coworkers are supposed to be close.
Well, we like to keep it professional around here.
Dang it! Someone ate my bagel! (MUFFLED) Happy birthday! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was March 3rd, 1980-something, and my brother, Barry, was feeling frustrated with his college identity.
I still haven't found my thing here, and I've tried everything.
Sports, campus radio, mock trial.
Did you know that's not about making fun of people who were on trial? What exactly are you looking for? I'm only asking so I don't accidentally join the same group.
I need something that helps me stand out.
I was the king of our high school, but here I'm just another Geoff in the crowd.
What a wildly hurtful thing to say out loud, but I think I found it? ADULT ADAM: And "it" was a very specific sorority beauty competition.
Excuse me, attractive stranger, your sign's mistaken.
That should say Miss Ships Ahoy.
- Pageants are for the gals.
- Not a mistake.
This is my sorority's male beauty pageant.
Every year, we crown a new Mr.
Ships Ahoy based on our core values, integrity, decency, and hotness when wet.
I love Chips Ahoy! That's gotta matter.
Tell the other contestants you have your champion.
Just make an audition tape saying why you should be Mr.
Ships Ahoy, and finalists compete onstage next week.
Geoff, thank God you're not a pageant guy.
What does that mean? You know, just cool, strong, "I'm in a pageant" guy.
I'm cool and strong.
Of course you are, just not in the traditional way, and I love that.
Doesn't sound like you love that.
- Barry, help me out here.
- She's saying you're a six.
No, I'm saying you're a 10.
To me.
So you don't think I could win? I don't think Barry could win either.
Can and will.
You'll be eating those words when I'm glistening wet in my sash and man tiara.
Unless I'm wearing that sash and tiara.
And maybe some roses.
I don't really know how it works.
But I'm gonna compete, and I'm gonna win.
Second place.
First is already spoken for.
By moi.
I had a very specific fantasy when I signed up to chair this event.
This is not it.
ADULT ADAM: While Barry and Geoff prepared for a win, my mom was at a loss about how to connect with her coworkers.
I don't get it.
I have tried everything to bond with these dopes.
Cakes.
Parms.
Parmed cakes.
Nothing works.
And I'm pretty sure they're using bird calls to warn each other I'm coming.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Bird noise alert! - Oh, hell no! - (DOOR SLAMS) And it's nothing like the workplaces on TV.
Where are my instant friendship and hilarious misadventures? Has it ever occurred to you that you've been terrifying these people on my behalf - for a decade? - Please.
When have I ever terrified them? Are you a [Bleep.]
idiot? Are you [Bleep.]
? - Whoa! - (SCREAMS) I give you an F.
(SCREAMS) I'm just saying, I think they need time to adjust.
How about you just leave them alone? You're right.
I should mix in more.
That's the opposite of what I said! Cluck-cluck! Cluck-cluck! I'm sorry.
I was supposed to be watching the door.
I brought coffee.
I noticed the machine was broken, like almost everything else in here.
We get a lot of student break-ins.
They keep putting jelly in my coat pockets, so I'm thinking that might be a gang thing.
Andrea, French Vanilla Cafe? A grown-up offering me coffee? I would be a fool to say no.
Eh, eh, eh, eh.
That coffee comes at a cost.
Okay, I'm just gonna come right out and ask.
Do you people have a problem with me because of my past as a pushy parent? Well, to put it gently You're a damn monster! You haunt my dreams, and now you haunt my work! Listen, I get it.
I was a tough cookie, but that was for my schmoopies.
I'm one of you now.
We can complain about kids together.
Okay, well, I hear Adam's been struggling with math.
You shut your [Bleep.]
mouth! Ahhh! Old habits.
(CHUCKLES) Listen, why don't you all come to my house this weekend for some teacher bonding? No can do.
Got jerky in the dehydrator.
I've got a quiet weekend reconnecting with an old friend.
- Me.
- And I have a date.
It's my first in four years, so I'm super excited.
Well, you don't anymore.
Cancel it all.
I'm Quaker Warden, and now this party is a mandatory friendship gathering.
She can't do that, can she? Sadly, according to the ancient parchments, she can.
Yay! We're forcibly gathering! (CHUCKLES) Next stop, friendship! ADULT ADAM: While my mom was making inroads, Barry was gonna help Geoff blaze a new trail of his own.
Good news, Geoff! I and the second-hottest member of the JTP are gonna help shoot your beauty pageant video.
Bar, shouldn't you be working on your own video? Done.
I cut together the highlights from my American Gladiator audition.
They not-so-politely declined.
And then they were canceled.
Coincidence? Why would you even help me? Aren't we competitors? I'm gonna win by an embarrassing margin, but I can help you come in a distant second.
So, what have you got so far? Guess I was just gonna talk about my interests, my hobbies, maybe throw out a coy wink.
Bor-ing! Women want danger and agility, like a man surprise-backflipping out of a bush.
Being upside-down makes me throw up.
Let's start from scratch.
Imagine Geoff is a naked, faceless mannequin.
- Please don't.
- What would you put on that mannequin to make it a cool, rugged man? ADULT ADAM: And so the JTP set out to brainstorm what makes a man.
- A cowboy hat.
- Uh, youthful optimism? Leather pants and work gloves.
What about a bullwhip? And he puts out cigars with the bullwhip, and then he says cool things like, "Smoking kills, and so do I.
" And a scar! But not from whipping.
From making love on a cliff.
And a suede vest with lots of fringe.
And he smells like the woods.
How do we film a smell? We'll just cover you in pine cones and tree sap.
ADULT ADAM: Soon, Geoff had his audition video Faster.
Faster.
Not masculine enough.
Do push-ups.
or Barry's idea of an audition video.
Ow! Is this really necessary? Silence! You're what every woman wants! ADULT ADAM: But it wasn't.
It really wasn't.
What are you doing? No one can see this! But that's my ticket to winning Mr.
Ships Ahoy! It's your ticket to humiliation! Erica, why won't you believe in me? I do, but this isn't you.
Geoff, you're sweet and reliable and don't whip things.
You'll get crushed if you submit this.
Damn it, you're right.
Okay.
Whew.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry, love you! Gotta prove I can do this! ADULT ADAM: As Geoff was ignoring Erica's advice, I was learning my mom didn't take mine.
You invited the teachers to my house? Where I sleep? That's all because you told me to reach out to them.
I said to leave them alone! Then it's lucky I misheard you.
Mom, there are certain things you just don't do.
Poop at school.
Hold hands with your sister.
And invite teachers to a civilian residence.
Murray, would you hold hands with your sister? Don't have a sister.
- But if you did.
- Nah.
We're not close.
Anyway, they're coming, and I'm hours away from a workplace of best friends.
Or a massive fight with the people who are in charge of my grades.
Bevy, why are you trying so hard? I thought you wanted to become a teacher - to get close to the boy? - That's how it started, but Adam's not gonna be here forever.
These people will, and they can help fill the child-shaped hole in my heart.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - My besties are here! You came! Oh.
And all together, because the bonds are already growing.
We carpooled so no one would get here first.
And so we could pre-game.
- Right, my big hunk of yum? - Ay! And I made cookies.
I was gonna bring a bottle of wine, but do you know how many wines there are? Welp, it was great catching up, so, uh Wait a second.
You just got here.
Yeah, but traffic.
Appointment.
Burst appendix.
Any of these landing, or Listen, I know we have a lot of ice to break, and I'm not gonna make you talk to me all day.
I'm gonna make you race me.
- What in French-fry hell is this? - Surprise! Field day's not just for students anymore! Oh, no.
The only thing I'm racing is to the door.
Ah-bup-bup-bup-bup.
As Quaker Warden, I do have the authority to grant the winner the day off.
Damn it! You found my two weaknesses, my need to dominate and my desire to get paid for nothing.
Let the games begin! On your mark, get set, fun! ADULT ADAM: My mom hoped the experience would pull her coworkers together, but instead, it just pulled them apart.
I'm thinking maybe we should rebalance these teams.
No, we got this, girls.
Let's tug.
Whoop! I'm flying! (GRUNTS) ADULT ADAM: And just when they thought the day couldn't get any more twisted - Left foot red.
- it did.
Left foot red.
Left foot red! Do you think if I could tell my right from my left, I'd be a lunch lady? (ALL GRUNT) (LAUGHS) You're all out! ADULT ADAM: And when it was over, the teachers had bonded about being in pain.
Wasn't today the best? You mean the worst! I separated my shoulder during that trust fall! Thanks a lot, Perott! Usually people give some sort of verbal cue when they're falling backwards on their head.
Here's a verbal cue, suck it! You think you took a beating? I will never be able to get the grass stains out of these khakis! Can we go immediately to the hospital? My retina's not reattaching like you said it would.
Give it time.
Well, since we're wrapping up, looks like the winner is Coach Nick.
It was inevitable, but still feels pretty special.
- Meow.
- Stop! But all won the grand prize a lifetime of friendship! - (ALL GROAN) - Oh, great.
Wait, are you suggesting that after today's bonding experience, we are not a tight-knit group of coworkers like the barkeeps on Cheers? (ALL GROAN) Just wanted to clarify I wasn't a part of this.
See you Monday.
Teachers are heroes and aren't paid enough.
Ugh, you gotta be kidding me.
ADULT ADAM: Geoff and Barry had submitted their audition tapes for the Mr.
Ships Ahoy pageant.
It was time to announce the finalists.
- Good luck, Bar.
- Eh, don't need it.
I'm here to announce our five finalists.
Who are also the only five to send in tapes.
Yes! I did it! I won! Well, actually, you're just a finalist.
Yes! I'm just a finalist! Ladies, your Mr.
Ships Ahoy finalists.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) You know what, Bar? I'm actually really excited about this thing.
I-I think I could win this.
ADULT ADAM: Until he saw the stone-cold hunks he'd be competing against.
Oh, no.
Their arms are bigger than my legs, and their legs have muscles on them I didn't even know existed.
That's an optical illusion, Geoff.
Everyone looks bigger up close.
Hey, um historically speaking, do the winners look more like me or more like those tall beefcakes? Check out our wall of winners.
GEOFF: Oh, man.
They're all so smooth and beautiful.
This was such a mistake.
Wait.
Albert Solomon? Hey, that guy looks familiar.
Barry, that's your grandfather, and he won Mr.
Ships Ahoy with normal, human muscles.
All those boring stories about being trapped behind enemy lines, but nothing about this.
BARRY: So, tell me, how'd you do it? How did you win Mr.
Ships Ahoy? When it comes to wooing the ladies, some things never change.
ADULT ADAM: But actually, they do.
A lot.
Wink at every dame in the room.
When in doubt, goose the caboose.
Tell them you've ridden in an airplane.
Spoil them by buying them a nice pair of nylons.
I think times and women's rights have changed a lot, and also, how do these ideas make me hotter? It's not all about muscles.
Anyone can lift a bag of nickels, but it takes a special kind of fella to cheer up a woman during wartime rationing.
What do I do if there isn't a war going on? Easy.
What are you good at? I won my year with a dynamite banjo act.
I'm okay at alto sax.
If that's the best you got, go with that.
ADULT ADAM: As Geoff questioned his manliness, Principal Ball was about to man up.
Quaker Warden! Just who I was looking for.
Can I have you sign this without reading it? Resignation letter? As a gag.
No, sign that now.
It'll be a hoot.
Why would I resign? Because you injured my entire staff, and I want to stop this before you kill someone? Adam! Can you believe this? They want me to resign! Welp, it was a good run.
Wait, why are you not as grievously wounded as I am? 'Cause they don't like you and they're taking it out on me! I had three pop quizzes today, and no one else in the class had to take them.
Okay, this weekend was a rocky start, but I can still fix it.
No! Coach Nick made me varsity quarterback.
I have a game on Friday, and no one can find a helmet small enough.
And can't you just fire her? Sorry, Mom, but you get it.
Unfortunately, I can't.
Our Quaker founders, in their infinite wisdom, made the Warden answerable only to God.
And until I hear Her complain, I'm not going anywhere.
That's right.
God is a woman.
Oh, you think that's the thing I'm focusing on? I have to learn something called the wishbone offense! ADULT ADAM: While my mom refused to quit, the Mr.
Ships Ahoy pageant was just getting started.
And most of that talent revolved around muscles.
Really big muscles.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) When I get up there, these ladies won't know what hit them.
Hopefully not these knives.
Wait, what is your talent? Up next, Barry Goldberg! Ladies! I need a volunteer.
Okay, your loss.
(ALL GASP) Really should have practiced this.
(CHUCKLES) (ALL GASP) - Come to wish me luck? - For sure.
But, you know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.
I'm a finalist and you still don't believe in me? Geoff, I always believe in you.
I just don't want you to pull a Barry and embarrass yourself trying to be something you're not.
- (KNIFE CLATTERS) - (ALL GASP) That one got away from me! Whip it back! I'm not gonna embarrass myself, because I'm more desirable than any of these guys, and I've got the talent to prove it.
Up next, Geoff Schwartz! ADULT ADAM: And so, Geoff went out to prove he could be Mr.
Ships Ahoy.
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS) And he was actually pretty great.
Until this happened.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I guess it's not about the music.
Geoff, I don't know why you care what these people think of you.
It's not about them.
It's about you.
I want you to see other people impressed by me.
But why? 'Cause I know you see me as a nice guy, and that's great, but I want to be more than that.
I want to be a catch.
You are a catch.
They don't think so.
Not now, Colton! ADULT ADAM: While Geoff faced shirtless competitors, my mom had one more trick up her sleeve.
Oh.
Teacher surprise! I made over the teachers' lounge.
Holy crap! Granola bars! Protein shakes! Kitten mugs! A sink that doesn't scald me.
- And check this out.
- (DOOR CLOSES, LOCK CLICKS) No more student break-ins.
(CHUCKLES) That's odd.
It's locked.
Well, don't you have the code? Of course I have the code.
It's in my purse in the car.
Oh, God, she's trapped us in here for some new team-building activity, but when it goes sour, we're gonna eat each other like that soccer plane in the Andes! Coach Nick is not on the menu! Nobody is eating anybody.
It's just a lock.
I just tried to do a nice thing.
- I like this mug.
- Bup! Mrs.
Goldberg, you have been our worst enemy for a decade.
This teachers' lounge is mainly for complaining about you.
I see.
Does everyone feel this way? ALL: Eh Am I interrupting something? I guess not.
Ooh, granola bars! ADULT ADAM: The Mr.
Ships Ahoy pageant was still under way, and it was time for the contestant interviews.
See, most people eat the ice cream first, but I bite the bottom of the cone and suck everything out.
The question was, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" And I believe you have my answer.
Okay, that's enough of that.
Next contestant, Geoff Schwartz.
(APPLAUSE) Good luck.
She's tough.
So, Geoff, what makes you the ideal Mr.
Ships Ahoy? I don't know.
Nothing, I guess? Moving on.
If you were Mr.
Ships Ahoy, what would your catchphrase be? Thanks for settling? - (CLEARS THROAT) May I? - Please.
Erica, what are you doing? I'm asking the questions.
When is my birthday? August 18th.
Why does that matter? I'm showing them why you're the hottest guy in this contest.
When's our anniversary? Hand-holding, kissing, dating, - or saying "I love you"? - All four.
November 4th, January 23rd, February 2nd, June 9th.
ALL: Aww! ADULT ADAM: And that's when Geoff realized he did have something the other contestants didn't.
What's your ideal date? Any date with you is ideal.
ALL: Aww! Who's the prettiest girl in the audience? What audience? ALL: (CHANTING) Geoff! ADULT ADAM: As Geoff finally realized his worth, my mom was feeling worthless.
Why are you eating here instead of the teachers' lounge? Because I'm no longer welcome there.
Or this school.
Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping I'll do what you want.
I'll resign.
You're quitting? You've never quit anything.
What happened? What happened is I tried to make friends with the teachers, but they only see me as the enemy.
- Maybe with a little more time - Adam, it's over.
I guess I fought so hard for you, it ended up costing me.
ADULT ADAM: After years of my mom marching down to the school to have my back, it was time to do the same for her.
By going somewhere I'd never dared to go before.
Ah! Kitty in the lounge! Meow! Meow! You guys call me "Kitty"? We call all students "kitties.
" Not that one senior with the mustache.
I call him something else.
What are you doing in here, Adam? I'll tell you what I'm doing in here You suck.
- Excuse you? - Not okay! Now you're on special teams, too! Fail me if you want, but you already failed my mom.
We failed her? I pulled my groin at her field day! That's my best feature.
Look, I know she's been hard on you guys in the past, but you've never had her on your side before.
Look what she did to your lounge.
It is a soothing oasis in the midst of our chaotic world.
If there's one thing you learned about my mom over the years, she never gives up.
Give her a chance.
She'll be the best ally you've ever had.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help but overhear.
Um, you don't have to defend me, Adam.
Life is not like TV shows.
Sometimes, coworkers just don't become friends.
But sometimes, they do.
Adam's right.
We never gave you a shot.
And I hate to admit it, but your constant badgering over the years has made me a better teacher.
And I'm new, so agreeing with everyone else seems like my only option.
So fresh start? I'd like that.
(CHUCKLES) Beverly Goldberg, new Quaker Warden.
John Glascott, guidance counselor.
This is nice.
Yes, it is.
Now get out of the lounge.
It's for teachers only.
crazy if you let it ADULT ADAM: Changing the way people see us can be a full-time job.
So is changing the way we see ourselves.
(APPLAUSE) But it isn't hard work for the people we love to see who we really are.
At the end of the day, when we're comfortable just being ourselves, there's nothing sweeter.
- (SCREAMS) - (BELL DINGS) - Whoa! - (BELL DINGS) (BELL DINGS) Great news! I figured out why my talent of knife-throwing went sideways.
'Cause it's a tremendously difficult skill that requires a lifetime of patience, practice, and a throwing area far away from people and pets? I just had the wrong tools.
Whatever you do, don't move.
Barry, listen to me very closely, do not throw that.
- How about a hatchet? - No! - Gardening fork? - Barry! - Fishing lure? - Please! - Dart? Knitting needles? - Barry! No! - Pineapple? - No, no.
- Sharpened pencil? - Aah! - This icicle I found? - No! - A shark tooth necklace? - Barry! - Then what? - Maybe this gentle Nerf ball? Ooh! (INHALES SHARPLY) Let's go ninja stars.