All In The Family s08e14 Episode Script

I stepped out of a dream I am too wonderful to me, I seem Oh! Oh! You remember Beverly La Salle, Mike.
Beverly? Gee, how are you? I didn't recognize you without your dress on.
Two guys were just mugged down on the corner.
Now, I didn't see it, but someone said that one of the guys looked like Mike.
Now, the cops and ambulance are on their way.
[SIRENS APPROACHING.]
Mike got mugged? Yeah.
GLORIA: What did you just say? Don't tell them.
Mike got mugged.
[GROANS.]
Are you also related to Beverly La Salle? Oh, uh, you ain't tellin' us that he's, uh I'm sorry.
He just died.
I can't understand it.
I mean, everything was goin' so good for him, and then somebody had to kill him.
Yeah, just because he was different.
The way I feel today, I may not go to churchever.
I really think that somebody from the family oughta kinda be there, representing us in front of God.
Why? What good does it do? Oh, Ma.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Smile! Here we go! It stuck its tongue out again.
What are you gonna do? Okay, let's go find a fire! Here we go! [IMITATES SIREN.]
Here we go! Here we go! Okay, now on your way back from the fire, let me get one more shot.
Okay, we're coming back from the fire.
Your mother wants-- - Whoa! - more pictures, see? She wants to take a picture of every minute of your life.
You'll see them all when you grow up.
Oh, I think he's get-- Yeah, he's getting a little sleepy, honey.
Yeah, why don't we give him a nap? He's been up since But don't you think we should keep him up till Ma and Daddy get over here? Gloria, your mother and father are not coming over here.
Ma is very down on Christmas this year.
I wish she'd snap out of it.
It's keeping Daddy away, too! Yeah, well, every cloud has a silver lining.
Michael! ARCHIE: Jingle bells, jingle bells [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a somethin' somethin' sleigh [TOGETHER.]
We're here.
MIKE AND GLORIA: Merry Christmas! MIKE: We'll be right down.
Oh, jeez, look at your son-in-law, the big ecologist there.
He's all against cutting down trees, but when he wants a tree for himself, he goes and kills the biggest one in the parking lot.
Let's leave our presents, Archie, and go home.
Oh, no, no, we can't do that, Edith.
Come on, what do you mean, home? We come over here-- come on, come on, come on.
This is Christmas.
No, I don't feel like opening presents.
I ain't in the mood to "ooh" and "ah".
Edith, Edith, Edith, you know.
Come on, 'tis the season to be jolly, you know? Now, be jolly! I wish I could, but I can't.
Now, you listen to me, Edith.
You gotta get over this Beverly business here.
Hey, look at it this way.
I mean, maybe she's lucky that he lived as long as she did.
What? Well, you know what I mean.
This is New York, and guys like Beverly-- I mean, they're either getting mugged by strangers or they're getting murdered by close friends.
You see it in the paper every day.
I mean, in New York, fags is-- uh, I mean [WHISPERS.]
fags.
That's--that's what you call an "ungendered" species.
And so, uh cheer up.
Oh, Edith, Edith, come on, hon.
What do you want me to do? I just want you to be the same old Edith there.
Say something delightful, huh? Like you always say.
You know, say the world is beautiful and all's right with the world.
God's taking care of the world.
I don't think He cares.
Oh, come on, Edith.
The Lord could send down a "thundervolt" there at you.
He could miss you, hit me.
- GLORIA: Merry Christmas, Mom and Daddy.
- MIKE: Hey, folks.
MIKE: We're glad you made it.
Thought you weren't gonna come.
Merry Christmas, Ma.
Merry Christmas, Daddy.
Merry Christmas there--hold it.
- Here.
Put 'er there.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Okay, come on.
We got the Merry Christmas over.
I wanna see my grandson.
Bring on that kid.
Oh, I'm sorry.
He's sleeping.
He's sleeping at 10:00 in the morning? What is the child, a wino? Arch, he was up since 5:00 this morning playing with his toys.
He was exhausted.
But every time I come over here, the kid's either in bed or in the bathtub or on the pot.
You'll see him later, okay? Hey, come on.
Let's open up the presents.
Who should we open first? Oh, what difference does it make who first? Is mine handy there? Ma, uh, Daddy, I want you to see what Michael gave me for Christmas besides my beautiful new watch.
Are you ready? Ta-da.
Oh, jeez! Don't be exposing yourself in the living room, dining room area here.
- Daddy, look.
It's beautiful.
- Oh, stop that.
Close your eyes, Meathead.
Jeez, little girl.
Didn't I teach you to be decent and be ashamed of your body? Daddy, you blush if I show you a bare arm.
Didn't you bathe me when I was a baby? Well, certainly, but then everything was small.
Hey, Ma.
Here's a present for you from Gloria and me.
Why don't you open it up? Oh, no, Mike.
Thank you.
Not now.
- Come on, Ma.
- No, honey, forget it.
Ma, come in the kitchen.
We'll have a cup of coffee, and we'll say vicious things about the neighbors.
EDITH: Oh, Gloria.
Jeez, what the hell am I gonna do about this situation here? Did you try talking to her? Certainly I tried talking to her.
I sat her down.
I held her hand, and I looked her in the eye.
I said--I says, "Edith, darling, what is, is.
" And then I said, "Edith, darling, what waswas.
" And most important of all, I said, "Edith, darling, what's gonna be is gonna be.
" But your mother-in-law don't understand nothing about philosophy.
I don't think you know a hell of a lot about it yourself.
Get some of your wife's wrapping paper and wrap up this present for Joey.
What is this? "Karate Men"? [MOCKING.]
"Karate Men"? Yes.
It's what you call one of your educational toys there.
This is an educational toy? Karate Men? Yes, it is, and I'll Tell you why.
Now, this toy learns you how to survive in the stinko world.
Right? Not only that, when you work the buttons here, see, this develops what you call your digitalis skills.
Show you what I mean.
See the left-hand button over there, yeah, that one there, see, that's where you can bust a rib, huh? See? And the right one here, this is the one where you can bust a face like that and that and that! Huh? Here's the greatest one of all, the middle one at the back, see.
With this one here, this is how you really give a guy a cauliflower crotch, see.
Yeah! I don't believe this.
This is a toy for Joey on Christmas, a time for peace and love, Arch? Come on.
I am not going to teach my son the manly art of violence.
- Don't give me no commie peace lectures on Christmas day! - I'm taking this--- Do what you wanna do.
Sick and tired of arguing.
So I was talking to Sybil Gooley last week, and she told me that her sister-- you know, that fat one? She had another face lift.
Her skin is so tight now that every time she sits down, her mouth flies open.
That's funny, honey.
Edith, come on, will ya? That's funny there.
Every time the woman opens her mouth, she's gotta sit down.
Laugh at that.
Ma, you should drop in on Sybil.
Oh [BLOWS RASPBERRIES.]
Sybil.
On your way home from church.
Oh, well, yeah, yeah.
Go and see Sybil on your way home from church, Edith.
I ain't goin' to church.
But Ma, you've never missed a Christmas service.
The little girl is right, Edith.
you always go to church on Christmas.
You come home from church, you have a beautiful, peaceful look on your face, like you was chloroformed or something.
Uhuh - What? - What? Oh, jeez.
He wants you to go out into the kitchen so he can talk to me alone.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Don't know why you couldn't pick up on that.
Even your mother got it.
- While we're in the kitchen, we'll neck.
- Okay.
You're saying that to drive me nuts, right? Edith, Edith, come on, now, I mean you gotta figure out some way to square this beef between you and the Lord.
Better go home and put the turkey in the oven.
No, no, don't do-- We don't have to talk about this no more if you don't wanna, but don't go home.
- I mean, come on, Christma-- - No, Archie.
- Come on, Edith, we gotta open something.
- No, I wanna go home.
We gotta open some of the presents.
Come on, be a sport, Edith.
Look, here, here-- first one I come to, from me to you.
Now, come on.
We're gonna open this here, Edith.
Now here, hold the box.
Wait till you see what I got you here.
Wearing this, any woman would be crazy mad to run out to church in it.
Wait till you see.
Just wait till you see this.
You wear this, and all your friends are going to be green with envious, huh? Look at that.
Huh? Ain't that a beautiful hat there? You got strawberries, cherries, two kinds of grapes, and a crabapple.
It looks delicious.
You ain't supposed to eat it.
You're supposed to put it on your head, Edith.
- Come on, try that.
- No, I don't want to, not now.
I don't feel like it.
No, no, no, wait a minute, Edith.
You don't know how pretty it's going to look until it's on your head.
You ain't gonna do that-- I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll put it on myself, huh? Just to give you an idea how it looks on a head, huh? Whatta you say? It's very pretty.
Thank you.
Well, if it's pretty on me, it's gotta be okay on you, Edith.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
If you wear this hat to church, I'll go to church with you.
I ain't going to church! Now, don't say that, Edith.
Come on, Christmas day.
For the sake of the family, we ought to run over there and say a few prayers, huh? I wouldn't know what to pray no more, Archie.
I ain't going.
You go yourself if you want to.
- I'm gonna go home-- - Ho-ho-hold it.
No choice.
We won't bring the thing up no more, but please don't go home, now, Edith.
Everybody's-- come here, come here.
- I gotta put the turkey in the oven.
- No, sit down.
Sit right here in my chair.
Now, let's open some more presents here, huh? Hey, look at the little red one right on the top of the tree with your name on it.
Let's start with this one, Edith.
Go ahead, open it up.
You know what? I didn't give it to you.
Ooh, it's one of them little whattayoucallits there.
It's a scarf.
Yeah, in a beautiful "beej" color.
EDITH: Beige.
Yeah, some of that, too.
Well, somebody knows what you like.
Huh, Edith? "Merry Christmas to my lovely friend Edith.
From Beverly La Salle.
Oh, jeez.
Edith, put it back in the box there.
We'll just leave it aside for a while.
Let's open up the rest of these 'cause there'd be more-- No, don't.
Don't run away.
Edith, don't run home.
What's going on in here? Arch, where did Ma go? She's run out on me.
May I have the next dance? What the hell is that, "the next dance"? Let me tell you something, Meathead, about your jokes.
They never seem to have no point to them.
Arch, I'm not gonna play that game with you.
I know you ain't gonna play it, jeez.
You wouldn't enter no contest with me you wasn't sure you was gonna win.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about you.
Oh, I guess maybe you play me chess, about which I don't even know how to deal but I notice you never come out of your corner when it comes to the manly sports, like bowling or Indian wrestling.
Or who can belch the loudest.
ARCHIE: Take that and that and that.
That is so silly.
You think I'm going to stoop to your level? You think I'm going to even try to defend myself? I don't care whether you defend yourself.
I'm gonna knock the hell out of you anyway.
Whack, whack, whack.
You're not hurting me.
If I wanted to, I could hit you back.
- ARCHIE: Oh, yeah.
- I just don't want to.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's right, Arch-- If I wanted to, I could give you one of these right like this.
What do you think I'll be doing with my left here? I'll be defending, huh? But while you're doing that, I'm going like this.
[BOTH SHOUTING OVER EACH OTHER.]
- MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah - ARCHIE: Hey, hey, hey I knocked you over! [TO DECK THE HALLS.]
Walla, Washington, Kalamazoo Nora's freezin' on the trolley Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo! Don't we know archaic-- Ma, where's the dressing? In the turkey.
No, it isn't.
I forgot to put it in.
Oh, how could I be so dumb? It's all right, Ma.
Hey, have you ever seen my imitation of a buck-toothed fish? Oh, Gloria, you're trying so hard to make me laugh.
It ain't working.
Let's put the dinner on.
Okay.
The boys must be starving.
Boy, oh, boy.
Hey, guys, come and get it! Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble MIKE: Arch, I knocked you over three times.
Yeah, you beat me 'cause you busted the rules there.
You reached over with your hand, You knocked my Jap over.
You're a sore loser.
Hey, cut that out, you heathen you, not before grace there.
Want a little piece of skin.
"Piece of skin.
" You wanna choke to death on a hunk of unblessed bird? You're eatin' nothin'.
We say grace here.
We gotta give thanks to the Lord for all the bountiful foods that he hath gave us here, even though we had to buy it all.
All right, now, hang your heads there.
Wait a--wait a minute.
What are you doing? I forgot the cranberries.
Edith, I'm trying to talk unto the Lord here.
Now, sit down.
Forgive me, Lord, for pointing with a vegetable here.
Now, hang your heads, huh? Oh, Lord, A.
Bunker here.
As you know, the Christmas season is once again at our throats.
And I talk for my family here and particularly my poor wife, who gots some kind of a mad on against you-- uh, uh, thee-- thou do-- ( mutters ) Hold--hold the phone.
Edith, where-- what are you doing? I gotta get the cranberries.
Edith, the Lord and me don't give a damn about cranberries.
Would you sit down here, huh? I can't, Archie.
My heart ain't in it.
Edith, Edith, Edith-- No, hold it, Where the hell are you going? I'm going to go talk to Ma.
Well, what good is an atheist gonna do when a couple of Christians like the Lord and me couldn't do nothin'? Stop him, stop him, stop him.
Oh, you're helpless.
Ma? Can I talk to you? Well, sure.
I'm sorry I spoiled Christmas.
Oh, you better go back in there and eat your dinner.
I'm not hungry now.
You can't depend on nothin' no more.
Ma who you mad at? I'm mad at God.
Uhyou think that God was responsible for what happened to Beverly? I don't know.
All I know is Beverly was killed because of what he was, and we're all supposed to be God's children.
It don't make sense.
I don't understand nothin' no more.
Ma did you ever have a subject in school that you didn't understand? Yeah, algebra.
I hated it.
I couldn't understand it, so I dropped it.
But you didn't drop out of school, did you? Ma, what I'm trying to say is that maybe-- maybe we're not supposed to understand everything all at once.
Maybe we're just supposed to understand things a little bit at a time.
Trouble with me is I don't understand nothing.
Oh, Ma, that's not true.
You understand plenty.
Ma, if there is a God, you're one of the most understanding people he ever made.
We need you.
Are you eating? Uh [TOGETHER.]
We figured we'd better go ahead.
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Pass the sweet potatoes.
Oh, here, honey.
You want some mashed potatoes, too? Yeah, sure, why not? Here, you want some gravy? MIKE: Yeah.
Bah bada, bah bub, bub, bub.
What are you doing? Well [TOGETHER.]
We figured we'd better go ahead.
Did you finish saying grace? Well, Edith, I figured that, uh, nobody cared.
Dear God E.
Bunker here.
I'm sorry that I can't understand everything all at once, but I am thankful for Mike and Gloria and Joey and Aunt Iola You're forgetting somebody, Edith.
And Sybil Gooley.
Forgetting somebody, Edith.
Oh, and Archie.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, and Uncle Paul and Aunt Henrietta and her four little boys-- - Amen right there.
- Jerry and Jimmy and Joey - and Marty.
- Amen.
And Dr.
Shapiro and Mrs.
Shapiro.
- Amen.
- And Mrs.
Friedman at the Sunshine Home.
Oh, and Grady and Hannah and poor daughter Marlena, who went to Utica and got into trouble.
Oh, and poor little Bobby Daley, who was too short to be a cop ROB REINER: All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.