M*A*S*H (MASH) s08e14 Episode Script

Okay, any more business? Any gripes? Yeah, I got gripes-- sour gripes.
I'm bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored.
Uh-oh, man ''overbored''! Well, to illustrate the depths of my own despair, yesterday I came that close to begging Klinger for one brief glimpse of the photos of his Cousin Hakim's nuptials.
Oh, will you clowns knock it off? This happens to be a staff meeting.
- Go ahead, Colonel.
Say something.
- Thank you, Major.
Always a ray of sunshine.
Look, folks, my thumbs are twiddled down to the nubs too but I have some news here that'll get a couple of those chins off the floor.
It's a letter from the American College of Surgeons.
Aha! They're onto you, Pierce.
They're undoubtedly arresting you for loitering in front of an operating table.
Don't touch it, Pierce.
Now, Winchester, Hunnicutt, you remember a patient named Howser-- lad who came in here with the air-conditioned colon? - Descending colon, right? The one we had to mobilize and exteriorize? - Yeah, yeah.
Tricky business, that.
I've often wondered how the young man fared.
Says here, he's now at Walter Reed and doing fine.
- [ All Exclaiming .]
- In fact, some of the muckety-mucks there were quite impressed with your plumbing reroute.
- Yeah? - Yep.
Seems word got round the medical grapevine and, uh, well the College of Surgeons wants Drs.
Hunnicutt and Winchester to write a paper on the operation for their journal.
- Ha-ha! - Hey! - That's incredible-- only the most prestigious publication in the entire medical profession.
- Congratulations, boys.
That's quite a kudo.
- Thank you.
Yes.
It's about time somebody recognized the kind of work we do around here.
I'd like to offer my personal standing ovation.
I'm olive drab with envy.
- Well, say something.
- Yeah.
Don't just stand there.
Gloat.
It's nice-- certainly nothing more than I deserve.
- Oh, come on, Charles.
That's quite a feather in your scalp.
- Okay, boys.
The preliminary draft has to go out in five days, so get scribbling.
- Charles, looks like we've got our work cut out for us.
- And not a moment to lose.
- Wait till I tell Peg about this.
- Indeed.
My father will be so filled with pride he may smile.
You guys probably don't know this, but I'm working on a great, uh ''Humor in Uniform'' article for Reader's Digest.
Here we are, Hunnicutt, a bottle of my finest 1 2-year-old scotch to celebrate this rather auspicious occasion.
- Yeah.
Remind me to be auspicious more often.
- Hey, 1 2-year-old scotch! - I'll get my six-year-old glass and have a double.
- Sorry, Pierce.
Private soiree, authors only.
When you are invited to write a paper, you may join us.
Of course, by then-- [ Snickers .]
it'll be 50-year-old scotch.
You know, I still can't believe it-- the American College of Surgeons.
Some college.
They don't even have a decent football team.
Come, Hunnicutt, we shall merge our brilliance and forge our dreams into reality.
- Dream forgery is a felony, you know.
- Let us begin.
Good.
I'll take notes.
- Surely you jest.
- Leave Shirley out of this.
I can help.
I'm a doctor too.
Pierce, you are excused.
We will call on you should we find ourselves in need of inanities.
- Ah-ha-ha.
Get him.
- Hey, Hawk, this is kind of important, you know.
- Colonel Potter said we had to hurry.
- Oh, I get it.
I get it.
- I don't qualify for your little fraternity.
- With your permission, Pierce we have work to do.
Oh, come on.
Every doctor in this camp has done miraculous things in O.
R.
- You two just got noticed.
- Come on, Hawkeye.
Lay off, will ya? Look, I don't have to sit here and take this.
I can go anywhere in this camp and be treated like dirt.
- Hi, Father.
- Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
- So, uh, what are you doing? - I'm loading the jeep.
I'm off to the orphanage.
- Say, that's a darn nice jeep you got there.
- [ Chuckles .]
Well, thank you.
I've been thinking of getting one of these beauties for myself.
- [ Kicking Tire .]
- They come in any other colors? Hawkeye, do you mind? I-- I'm in rather a hurry.
Oh, hey, why don't I drive you? Give me a chance to road test this beauty.
- Hawkeye, I-- I have a driver.
- Oh.
So you do.
- Okay.
- [ Engine Starts .]
So, uh, what kind of mileage do you get? Uh, Hawkeye, could we talk about this later, huh? - Oh, sure.
- Heh.
Good.
Good acceleration.
- Well, Scully! - Hawkeye! Thanks for the lift, Bradford.
I'll see you around.
- Look what the lull dragged in.
- Never miss a chance to visit my favorite party town, the 4077 th.
What do you wanna do first: carouse, carry on, rouse rabble? I wanna do all of the above, preferably at the same time.
I even borrowed a couple of bottles of French wine.
I traded some Chinese weapons for 'em.
- Terrific! Ha-ha, terrific.
I love it.
I love this guy.
Let's go.
- Uh, Hawkeye you're really cute and probably a wonderful dancer but I didn't risk my neck gettin' here so I could waltz with you.
You mean Margaret? You'd rather frolic with a sultry, voluptuous blonde than with a skinny, pale brunette? - I'm just funny that way.
- There's no accounting for taste.
Just so I don't sue you for breach of binge, just have a drink with me before you go.
- Hawkeye, I have things to do.
- Come on.
Gimme a break.
One little drink.
I'll buy.
Come on.
Under the best of circumstances, this condition is very difficult to treat.
Hunnicutt, Hunnicutt, Hunnicutt! An opening sentence should reach out, grab the reader by the throat, commanding him ''Read me.
Devour me.
Rush with me in headlong flight to the conclusion.
'' Yours whimpers lamely, ''Wake me when it's over.
'' - What do you suggest? ''The Charge of the Light Brigade''? - No.
Just a little originality to keep the reader from skipping over to the forceps ads.
Here's just a random thought: The hell of war insinuated itself through every fiber of the operating room.
- That's certainly interesting.
- Thank you.
- It's forceful but understated, I think.
- Not that.
- What? - That.
''Written by.
'' You listed your name first.
Well, someone has to be listed first.
I mean, it doesn't make any difference.
- Fine.
Then put my name first.
- Are you mad? - Let's just get on with the work.
- As soon as we settle this, fairly.
I suggest we list the names alphabetically, Winchester with a ''W.
'' Ha-ha-ha-ha.
I suggest we list the names by rank, Captain.
You outrank me as an officer, not as a surgeon.
- Actually, I outrank you especially as a surgeon.
- [ Laughs .]
Cute.
I still want to know who it was that decided that Charles Emerson Winchester III goes first and B.
J.
Hunnicutt the first goes second.
The events decided it.
Corporal Howser was my patient.
- You merely assisted.
- What? Look.
By all rights, that should read, ''Written by Dr.
Charles Emerson Winchester III, et al.
'' - And I'm ''Al''? - Among others.
Is that so? Well, there are people here who can describe my contribution to the Howser surgery in minute detail.
Is that so? Then by all means let us seek them out.
It shouldn't take more than a ''minute,'' Al.
- [ Charles, B.
J.
Arguing .]
- Will you please stop bothering me? I don't know, and I don't care.
What Margaret is so delicately saying is, she doesn't wanna take sides.
Let me refresh your memory.
The man was in desperate shape.
Hunnicutt said, ''Well, I'm afraid we're gonna lose him.
'' I said, ''Lose is not in my vocabulary.
- This man shall be saved.
'' - Then you said, ''Quick, Hunnicutt, what will I do?'' You two yahoos think you'll finish this article before you reach puberty? - [ Whistles .]
- [ B.
J.
.]
Oh, ho, ho.
- Scully.
- Margaret, it's great to see ya.
It's great to see you too, especially in one piece.
- Huh.
- So, how about a nice game of Simon Says? Seems to be a lot of static electricity around here.
Sergeant, how long has it been since you had your shots records checked? - It's been too long, I'm sure.
- Well, you better get to it then.
This would be a terrible time for this man to come down with a case of lockjaw.
- Then, shall we go, Sergeant? - Can I ask you one simple question about the operation? Of course.
Dedicated nurse, that Major Houlihan.
You said it, Colonel.
She'll stay with that patient day and night.
- Now, as for you two, I suggest you get back to work P.
D.
Q.
- Colonel, I wanna settle this.
I'm not gonna let ''Dr.
Did-little'' rob me of the credit I deserve.
One cannot rob an empty safe.
What's this-- trouble in paradise? Is Jeanette MacDonald stomping on Nelson Eddy's Mountie hat? Look, men, this paper is important.
It could show the folks back home we're not just some Band-Aid and baling wire outfit.
This kind of recognition can benefit us all.
So park your carcasses in the Swamp, put those egos in neutral and write the damn paper! - All right, Colonel.
I'll do my part.
- And I shall do mine.
And I'll make sure they don't punch on the break.
Well, the minute the shooting stopped, I grabbed my stuff and made tracks for your door.
- Well, I'm glad you did.
- Pour me a drink.
Sure.
[ Sighs .]
[ Chuckles .]
Boy, I can't tell you what it's like - to look at a face that doesn't need a shave.
- [ Both Laugh .]
If we can't have peace, here's to temporary lulls.
Oh,Jack.
Why don't I go wash off some of the war? That'll give you a chance to-- how do they say it in the movies-- slip into something a little more comfortable.
You must have a nice sexy dress in there somewhere.
Not really,Jack.
We don't have a lot of cocktail parties here.
Yeah, I guess not.
It's just that a guy likes to see his gal get all dolled up for him.
- Well, we're not really going anywhere.
- [ Chuckles .]
I can buy that.
Here.
I'll trade you this for a towel.
Jack, you are the most adorable man.
Just look at you.
What? You were in such a rush to get to see me, you put on somebody else's shirt.
Someone might think you were nothing more than a lowly private.
- I am a lowly private.
- What? Some kid second looey tried to tell me how to deploy my men.
We disagreed, so I punctuated my feelings with a right cross to his peach fuzz.
And they demoted you? Tsk.
How terrible.
It's only a couple of stripes.
I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.
But,Jack, in the army, rank means everything.
Oh, come on, Margaret.
My rank goes up and down so much, the C.
O.
calls me ''Yo-yo.
'' - That's terrible.
- Doesn't change a thing.
When we're movin' up a ridge with a Commie .
30 tryin' to cut us in half it's me the guys follow-- and that includes the lieutenants.
That's what I mean,Jack.
You're too good for this.
You're brave.
You're intelligent.
- You're officer material.
- Thanks, but no thanks.
I've been offered battlefield commissions.
I turned 'em down.
- You what? - I don't want that, Margaret.
If I were an officer, I'd have to hang around with 'em.
I don't like officers.
- I'm an officer.
- Well, that's not the same.
You're a nurse.
That's an honorary thing, just so you can boss around a bunch of nurses.
- But not men, not real soldiers.
- Is that so? Well, let me tell you something, soldier.
I'm damn proud of these.
Nobody gave them to me.
I earned them.
And I'm just as much a major as any other major.
- You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys.
- Hmm.
Oh.
Well, you are a major-- a real, live tough one just like the guy I left back at the company.
You've got the brass for it, all right.
No wonder it's all khaki in here.
You know the old saying, ''The clothes make the man.
'' - That's enough, Scully! - Permission to get the hell out of here, sir.
And it was at this point that Dr.
Winchester decided to mobilize and exteriorize the descending colon.
That does it! Winchester, I've been letting you glorify yourself in order to get this thing done, but enough is too much.
- Exteriorizing the colon was my idea.
- Ha! Festival of errors, Hunnicutt.
It is I who have acquiesced for the sake of expediency.
It was I who determined that the colon be so treated and it was I who performed said procedure.
- Brilliantly, I might add.
- Ha, ha, ha.
Now you're telling me it was an ''I'' operation-- ''I'' as in first person insufferable.
Look, I've just about had it with your snide effrontery, ''Hunni-twit.
'' - Oh, you--you-- - I? You-- [ Laughing .]
T-H-E-R-E-M on your ''in.
'' ''Theremin!'' That's one plus triple-letter ''H'' is, uh, 1 3, 1 7, 27.
What's this? You can't make up words.
I didn't make up a word.
''Theremin.
'' It's an electrical musical instrument.
They use it in movies all the time.
It goes-- [ Whistling Hum .]
- Your turn.
- I don't wanna play anymore.
- Aw, come on.
- You're killin' me.
It's crazy.
My best word was ''pig.
'' You only let me use one ''G.
'' All right.
Okay.
I lost my head.
I made a mistake.
You can use all the G's you want.
- You can use an ''X'' if you've got it.
- I quit.
Quit? You quit? That's got a ''Q'' in it.
That's 1 0 points right there.
You don't even have to have the letters.
Just saying it counts.
- Give me a beer, Igor.
- Margaret, you're alone.
- Brilliant observation, Sherlock.
- Well, since there seems to be a little break in the action I have the perfect way to fill those empty minutes: a Scrabble game.
- No.
I've played enough games for one day, thank you.
- Ah.
The major seems miffed.
You and Scully have a little spat? Scully is a creep, a jerk and an ignoramus.
''Ignoramus''? Margaret, do you realize, that's at least a 1 5-point insult? - Let your hostility work for you.
- Oh, I could just kill that man.
- Well, he got what he deserves.
He should be a private.
- Scully is a private? And then he has the gall to be huffy with me because my military career is more important to me than his is to him.
He has the most twisted sense of values I've ever seen.
- He doesn't know a woman can be a woman and be a major at the same time.
- Yeah, well-- - And be damn good at both of them.
- Margaret, that's just Scully.
- I mean, you knew what kind of guy he was when you met him.
- Right-- a typical man.
Don't lump us all together.
Scully and I are completely different kinds of guys but you and I didn't get along so hot either.
That's exactly my point.
You different men are all alike.
Frank Burns, Donald-- my former unwedded husband-- you and now this ninny.
Well, excuse us all for not being perfect.
Perfect? Huh.
None of you even tried.
Margaret, it's not that easy to become something else that somebody wants you to be.
Believe me.
I spent a lifetime not doing it.
I couldn't do it in med school for the woman I loved and I won't do it now for an army I hate.
You can't order people according to your own specifications.
You gotta take them as is.
People can change when they mean enough to each other.
And that stubborn, pigheaded,jackass Scully has to learn that.
Look, why don't you just chalk this up to experience and forget about Scully? Because I like him, ya dummy! Major, that is really you.
Don't give me that hooey.
How am I gonna knock Scully's eyes out if I look like a sack of barley? Patience, madam.
We can do wonders with a little tuck here and a ribbon there.
- I have not yet begun to alter.
- Alter, schmalter.
We are a bit temperamental today, aren't we? Just relax and have faith.
You did the right thing coming to me.
After all, I am Mr.
Max, couturier to the high-ranking.
Klinger, I need a dress that shows I'm soft, alluring and demure.
And if you don't help me, I'm gonna break your cheeks.
Well, well, all's quiet on the eastern front.
- Did I come in between rounds? - We're each writing our own paper.
Wearying of vituperation, we have decided to let Colonel Potter determine whose version represents the truth, and whose version is a vile and vulgar fraud.
- You might stand a chance, Charles, if Colonel Potter accepts bribes.
- Boob! - Idiot! - Excuse me, Captain Boob, Major Idiot.
- What's goin' on here? - The Brothers ''Grim'' are writing their very own separate papers.
- You get to grade them, teach'.
- I'm ready to put a dunce cap on the both of them.
Hunnicutt, Winchester, pencils up.
Come over here.
I've been thinking about all the people who had a hand in your little stitch-and-sew.
And you know what? There were an awful lot of'em.
- Starting with-- - Starting with up on the line.
The combat medics and evac people did one hell of a job even getting Howser to us alive.
- Wouldn't you agree, Winchester? - Yes.
And Margaret must've set a camp record getting him prepped.
Right, Hunnicutt? - Huh? Huh? - Yeah, I guess so.
And don't forget, you were the one who saw Howser in triage and got him right inside.
Right.
And then we bounced suggestions off one another everyone throwing in their two cents' worth.
- Everybody.
-Just like we always do.
And how about you? - You took extra patients so these two could double their time.
- I was just being indispensable.
And how about the folks who took care of Howser in post-op? How about the people down at the evac hospital in Seoul? The medics in San Francisco? - Walter Reed? - Walter Reed? How about-- - I'm running out of''how abouts.
'' - How about Howser himself? How about him? Damn brave kid.
I'm getting the impression this was far from an individual accomplishment.
Aw, there.
You see? And all it took was a simple clubbing over the head.
It would indeed seem that this was a-- a team effort.
I, um-- Ifind myself somewhat embarrassed at having assumed more credit than was actually my due.
Let's start writing the paper again, beginning with who gets credit.
Agreed.
Why don't we submit the paper from the entire MASH 4077 th? - Et al.
- [ Chuckles .]
- Now you're talkin'.
- Let's do 'er.
- You big lugs.
Scully, I've been lookin' all over for ya.
Where ya been? - I was down at Rosie's havin' five for the road.
- Major Houlihan wants to see ya-- something about signing a transportation voucher so you can go back to your unit.
- I don't need a voucher.
Just stick me on a truck.
- Look, what do you want from me? We got a highly refined system here: She screams and I jump.
Yeah? Well, Scully doesn't jump.
I scream and they jump.
Private, I am a corporal.
Don't make me pull rank on you.
She says it's just routine-- a couple of general questions, and you can go.
Fine.
I've got a couple of all-purpose answers I'll be glad to give her.
- [ Knocks .]
- It's Scully.
Come in.
[ Door Closes .]
I just needed to know a couple of things for your voucher like when you have to leave.
Well, there's a truck outside, but it's, uh, a little crowded.
Margaret, you look fantastic.
Thank you.
I found this under an old uniform.
I wanted to see if it still fit.
It still does.
No, I had to pin it up here and there.
I've lost a little weight since I've been here maybe from throwing it around too much.
That truck's gettin' more and more crowded.
Why don't you just sit down and wait for the next one? Oh, I think the next two or three are standing room only.
[ Chuckles .]
Ow! Oh, I'm sorry.
It's the pins.
Why don't we make ourselves more comfortable? Here.
- Hang this up.
Do you mind? - Oh, my pleasure.
Let's have another glass of that wine.
You know what would be fantastic? If we could scrounge ourselves up a hot plate.
- You make a good omelet? - I love to cook, when I get the chance.
You know how I like 'em? With real Italian sausage.
- Later we'll try and find some.
- I try to stay away from sausage.
You don't want start lettin' that dress out again, right? You can make yours without.
You want me to make two omelets? One for you and one for me? I don't really have time for one.
There's always time for what counts.
And as soon as I fight my way through a few of those pins you're gonna start seein' what counts and what doesn't.
You make it sound like one afternoon with you, and I'll be a new woman.
You won't recognize yourself.
What's the matter? I thought if I changed myself for you - it would make some kind of an impression.
- [ Liquid Pouring In Bottle .]
It does.
I love it.
Come here.
I dress myself up in this costume for you, and-- and all you want is more.
No recognition that I've done anything special to please you.
You take it for granted that everything you want is yours.
What about what I want? [ Scoffs .]
I've gotten used to giving orders.
I guess deep down, I'm really a sergeant.
- What do you suppose I am deep down? - Deep, deep down? - A woman.
- Go a little deeper.
- A major.
- I'm me.
Sometimes a nurse, sometimes a major, sometimes a woman in love sometimes all three at once.
- Sounds like it's crowded in there.
- Sometimes it's lonely in there.
I'm not sure I can handle a cast of thousands, Margaret.
I'm used to a simple chain of command-- with me in command.
And me in chains.
[ Sucks Teeth .]
I think I feel a space opening up on that truck.
I think I'm gonna miss you more than you know.
Cooking eggs and playing house would make for a fine afternoon and a couple of months ago, that would have been enough.
But now I want more out of my life than an afternoon.
Okay, Margaret.
Then I'll say good-bye.
Tell everybody in there I said so long.
- Two beers.
- Thanks, I'm having scotch.
- They're both for me.
- Uh-huh.
Lovely drink, beer-- more fizz than whiz, but a real quencher in life's arid moments.
I didn't come in here for conversation, so take your beer talk and can it.
Here you go, Margaret.
- Put your torch out in that.
- I don't have a torch, pal.
I've got smoldering embers.
I could have a bonfire, if I didn't keep running into guys who only wanted to get their hands warm.
Well, one day you'll find Mr.
Right.
Yeah.
The latest Mr.
Right just left.
I've got the only heart in Korea with a revolving door.
Well, no more, buddy-o.
From now on, I check them first to see they meet the minimum standard requirements.
- And what are they? - Twenty percent my father - 1 0% Scully, about 1 0% of you-- - Oh.
Thank you.
three percent of Frank Burns and two percent of my ex-husband.
- Mmm.
- One percent of my ex-husband.
Ah-ha.
Mmm.
Maybe you and I are just too choosy.
We're both waiting for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.
Sounds like a long wait.
Well, I have just the thing to pass the time away.
- You ever played double-solitaire Scrabble? - Double solitaire? Yeah.
You make whatever you can outta what you got, and I make whatever I can outta what I got.
And we don't score off each other.
And if you need any extra letters like a ''Y'' for ''sympathy,'' you can borrow one of mine.
- How many points do I get if I find ''L-O-V-E''? - You win the game.
''Harknrf.
'' - Well, I guess I keep looking.
- [ Chuckles .]