Scrubs s08e14 Episode Script

Here you go, Sammy.
I know I was supposed to drop Sam off in day-care, but the only other kid that was there was that creepy little girl with all the freckles.
Please don't give my son your prejudice of redheads.
They're God's mistakes, J.
D.
, accept it.
You know what, let's not fight.
Because, Sammy, today is the seven-year anniversary of the first time your daddy and I ever kissed.
J.
D.
: I forgot! Distract her so you can run and get some flowers.
Darling, do you know what Sam loves? When you sing Old MacDonald.
He does? J.
D.
: Nobody loved Elliot's tone-deaf rendition of Old MacDonald.
Old MacDonald had a farm Farm J.
D.
: It was so excruciating, I knew exactly how long it took her to finish.
- Look out! - I had 44 seconds.
And on that farm there was a cougar E- I-E-I-Oh With a here.
And a there Here a There a Everywhere a O J.
D.
: Stupid line.
You loved shoplifting when you were a kid.
Just grab something and run.
Be cool, honky.
Oh, hey, Leonard.
What's that? Hey! Look out! Wait a minute! I'm talking to you! Leonard, calm down.
E- I-E-I-Oh Did you like that, Sammy? No! I feel like you raped my soul.
Oh, that was wonderful, darling.
I got you a little anniversary present.
Why would you get me a toothbrush? Damn it! I thought it was a sex toy! Okay, just cover.
I borrowed your toothbrush this morning when I was showering, dropped it and I may have peed on it a little.
You pee in my shower? You know, baby, I'm making this up.
I forgot to get you a present.
- So you don't pee in my shower? - Of course not.
Oh, yes, I do.
You didn't have to get me a gift for the anniversary of a kiss.
I mean, that's the best part about us having dated before.
We don't have to deal with that drama ever again.
You're the best.
I ought to gut you.
Look, that's how the old Leonard used to behave.
Hook it over.
J.
D.
: Spring was in the air and everyone was getting caught up in it.
Whether it was a new romance Hey, have you ever been in love before? Once.
She was a janitor.
Well, for her, the mop always came first, you know? And that was fine, until one day I come home from work early and there they are in bed.
They were just cuddling, but still, you know.
It was really the emotional betrayal that makes it hard to talk about.
But you've changed all of that for me.
J.
D.
: Or an old romance still going strong.
Excuse me.
Could you hold that, please? Excuse me.
Oh, my God, you make me so hot.
Why? J.
D.
: Other couples just weren't clicking.
- Are you mad at me? - I'm not mad.
I'm hurt.
You've been ignoring me so much it makes me want to punch something.
God, you're firm.
I'm just bummed about Carla.
Between Izzy and her being pregnant again, it's like I don't have a wife anymore.
She's just a mommy.
Is it that bad? Don't you love listening to her breathe on the baby monitor? Sometimes.
Baby, I thought you said you wanted to get it on.
We're not finished? - We haven't started.
- Sorry.
Do your thing.
It's pretty bad.
Dude, what the hell was that for? I wanted to see if it was just as firm when you weren't expecting it.
- And? - Firmer.
That's right.
Okay, let's call this meeting of the Brain Trust to order.
Now, as you know, ever since our esteemed member Lloyd died snorkeling in his father's pool, we've tried to make do with the next best thing.
Still, I think we realize that's not really working out.
Especially since Todd keeps high-fiving it and knocking it over.
Well, look how he's posed.
I can't resist.
Yes, you can.
That is why I had you over to my garage last weekend to take my seminar on willpower.
And you still owe me 60 bucks.
Now, Brain Trust bylaw 47 A clearly states what, Ted? - Live free or die.
- That's New Hampshire.
have exactly four members.
So, I proudly announce the reinstatement of Doug Murphy as a permanent member of the Brain Trust.
Permanent member until you find someone you like better, right? Come on.
You're just being insecure.
Dudes! You're alive.
You're out.
Lloyd, you're back in.
We thought you were dead.
Faked my own death, bro.
I was in debt big time to a bookie.
Anyway, it didn't work out.
Saw me at a mall.
So, what's new? Can I borrow 80,000 bucks? Can't really swing that, Lloyd.
Our credit line is over-extended since we had Cheap Trick play at the Brain Trust picnic.
- Yeah.
- Goodbye, Lloyd.
- And Doug is back in.
Permanent.
- Yes.
You know, until Lloyd gets back on his feet.
Okay, meeting adjourned.
And, oh, almost forgot.
Jeez.
Ted, pass these out to everyone in the hospital.
Cardboard five! I want you in my garage this afternoon.
Bring 120 bucks and a steak sandwich.
I can't do this all on my own No, I know I'm no Superman I'm no Superman What the hell is this? Oh, my God! "You are cordially invited to the wedding of Lady and the Janitor.
" The Janitor is getting married before me? That's it.
I may actually kill myself.
Of course, I'm the only one who wasn't invited.
Here's yours.
J.
D.
: Okay, do not reveal how touched you are.
Turk, could you please pass me the salt for my baked potato? This wedding is in three days.
And it's in the Bahamas.
Nobody's going to this thing.
I know I'm not.
I heard, at night, the octopuses come out onto land and drag people up into trees and rip their faces off with their powerful suction cups.
J.
D.
: I guess I was moved by the Janitor's invite, because I did this.
Look, I know the Janitor isn't exactly a friend to us, but he is a part of our family, a horrible, horrible part.
Like an uncle who shows up at your ballet class and whispers, "Good girl," when you plié.
You have an uncle like that, too? That's not important, Carla.
Still, I think we should use this as an opportunity to go on a much-needed vacation.
We work very hard.
And I think it's time to live a little.
Hey! You really think we should go? Hey, Todd.
I'm really just sort of talking to these two tables.
- Yeah, it's just the two of them.
- Just these two.
But you said we should all live a little.
And I think you should on your own.
But in this circumstance, I was really just talking to Just mainly these two tables, focusing here.
Actually, I'm thinking about going.
Hey, Bob.
I I didn't see you there.
So, I am talking to your table as well, Todd.
But not your chair.
Not your chair.
Surprisingly, my friends listened.
We can't go, Turk.
We've never left Izzy alone before.
Baby, separation is healthy.
Wanna know what happens to kids who are too close to their mothers? - What? - They end up like that.
Well, Mom, when I'm gone I guess your feet will just have to rub themselves! Ted has his own room now.
He only sleeps with his mom when he's had a bad dream.
Or she has.
Honey, all I'm trying to say is that with Izzy and a new baby on the way, this might be our last chance - to have some you and me time.
- Okay.
I'm in.
Awesome.
Think about it, Elliot.
In three days, you'll be walking on a beach in your bikini.
- That's sexy.
- Shut up.
Cool.
What? I know I have to be in a bathing suit.
Hey, Feldman.
Fire up the fat vac.
Momma needs some lipo.
Dude.
We are in for the Bahamas.
Upstairs! Downstairs! Oh, yeah.
I still don't like downstairs.
Really? You haven't come around yet? Anyway, I got you a present.
It's an exact replica of the tiki from "The Brady Bunch Goes to Hawaii" episode.
Greg had this on when he got into the surfing accident.
Peter had it on when he saw the tarantula in the bed.
- And Alice - Turk! Turk, Turk, Turk.
I've seen it before.
Do you remember the music they'd play when anything bad happened? Wait.
You don't have one.
Or do I? Yes! - Downstairs! - Really? No.
What's wrong with you? I didn't wanna do it, either.
I think it's stupid.
- Where'd you get them? - I bought them on the interweb.
The seller was anonymous, but I think I know who it was.
Sold! Finally! These things have been ruining my life for too long.
The curse is yours, John Dorian.
The curse is yours! Man, that guy hates normal doors.
Do you think if we wear these bad stuff will happen to us? That's kind of the fun, isn't it? - Turk.
- Huh? I need your signature on our splenectomy patient's discharge form.
This pen doesn't work.
That's gonna be annoying.
Now you made my woman all mad.
Good God.
Tiki bump.
That was sex-tastic.
My God, I feel light headed.
Yeah, good loving will do that to you.
So will not eating for 36 hours.
Elliot, just say it was the good loving, okay? You know, as a joke.
Fine, it was the good loving.
I knew it.
J.
D.
Forget it.
What? Okay.
What the hell? Here goes.
I love you.
J.
D.
, I love you so much that the last thing I think about before we go to bed at night and the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning is our future.
Come here.
I love you, too.
J.
D.
: And there it was.
A moment so perfect that I That's it? What? I did not just say, "I love you.
" I actually explained how much I love you.
Plus, you weren't even looking at me when you said it.
But I do love you.
I think that you're the most amazing woman that I've Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You are not getting off that easy.
You have to obsess over it a little like I did.
See, I actually jotted down some notes in my notebook on how to get into the whole "I love you" conversation before I settled on the fake-spontaneous-blurting thing.
You do know that you're a crazy person? - Of course.
- Just checking.
Now, you think about it and surprise me when I'm not expecting it.
Night.
Elliot, when I think about our love - Too soon.
- Okay.
What are you doing? The van to take us to the airport is downstairs.
It's called my job.
It's that little thing I do while you're eating, drinking, napping, spending, plucking, ignoring the children and singing rap tunes into a hairbrush.
You forgot about the nanny-cam in the bedroom, didn't you? I like it like that She working that back I don't know how to act Slow motion for me I did.
But I'm okay with it.
'Cause I'm fly.
You realize I'm probably gonna have to work the entire time we're down there.
The only thing better than going on vacation without our kids is going on vacation without our kids and you're too busy to spend time with me.
You don't mean that.
I do.
It's an amazing gift.
Come on! Dear God.
What the hell are you wearing? Just got my Bahamas gear on.
J.
D.
, have you seen my cute white linen shirt? I think it looks better on me.
Babe, I know that you're very proud that you've been working out, okay, but we're in a hospital, so button up.
Fine.
But the second we get to the Bahamas, it's going to be raining abs.
In my heart you come first place When I turn and twist like that It's because I love you so much It's sung for my country Hope Town! We made it.
Oh.
Oh, baby, look at this place.
Okay.
So Izzy drank her whole bottle, right? Okay.
Okay, great.
Excuse me, when you're done with that phone, may I borrow it to call my kids? - Really? - No.
Say, did you even bother to tell the babysitter she has to stay overnight this weekend? Well, she'll figure it out.
Ted, wait here for my bag.
Got enough sunscreen on there, Ted? I go through a tube about every three hours.
My skin drinks it.
J.
D.
: What's that about? Todd went to med-school there.
And then we saw where Todd got it from.
His old professor was the best high-fiver in all the world.
Earthquake! J.
D.
: And then we'd all have sex to celebrate surviving.
Chop, chop, Ted.
I could kill him here.
You know how much I love you? When I first Yeah, not in front of everybody.
Plus, I'm a little light headed.
Maybe that's because you haven't eaten in three days.
I know what my body can take! Don't care.
Let's go.
- Tiki time.
- Yes.
Should we go check in with everybody else? Not yet.
I gotta whiz.
There's a bathroom, like, right there.
I know, but I'm already in.
Fine, Elliot.
You know, the Abacos have incredible snorkeling.
Since you're not a strong swimmer, let's say we get really, really, really drunk and go later.
Darling, I distinctly remember telling you that I had to do some work down here.
But if you'd like me to stop so that we can spend some time together, you just say the word.
Never.
Hey, meathead.
I've got a present for you.
- I'm thinking of going bone fishing.
- I'm going bone fishing right now! And Ms.
Sullivan, thanks so much for that set-up.
You're welcome.
Go away.
Hey! No way! - I can't believe you came.
- I know, right? Why the hell did you come? I rallied the troops.
I invited you to a wedding in a foreign country on three days' notice.
You weren't supposed to come.
I just wanted the gifts.
Do you see any of the other 847 invites here? We're not even having a ceremony, man.
All right, well, then, we'll just have a vacation.
- No harm done.
- All right.
- You have to! - Elliot, you are so right! - Honey, we're gonna have a ceremony.
- A big one.
I'm gonna kill you.
We loved our hotel room, but then Elliot saw something that made her skin crawl.
Here's the towels you wanted.
Thanks, sweetie.
There's no way I'm using those after that little redhead freak touched them.
I can smell his freckles.
I can't believe you hid this hatred from me for seven years.
Deal with it.
Hey, babe, what are you doing in there? Just putting some sun screen on my face.
Good, 'cause I think now might be a really nice time to tell you that I love you so much that - J.
D.
, I'm pooing.
- See you at the beach.
I mean, I miss Izzy, but I always imagined being someplace like this with you.
Just be here, Turk.
Hey, Diane.
Here comes my ex-wife and your beard.
You two both gotten a good look? Some of this.
A little of that.
Yeah? Good.
Then we're done.
Give me that.
Oh, my God.
Conch fritters.
You guys, I will see you later.
I'm gonna go get, like, 40 of these.
She should have gotten the lipo.
It does hurt a little bit when I sit, though.
Hey, Gandhi.
Here comes your better half.
That's what I'm talking a bout? She's wearing shorts and a mom suit.
No, don't you My wife.
Hi, guys! How you Oh! I left my cell phone in the room.
I'm gonna go back and get it, in case something happens with Izzy, okay? I'll be back.
How awesome is this? Doesn't look any better going away, does it, Gandhi? No.
I got two words for you guys, banana and hammock.
Baby.
You know why I love the Bahamas? They got brothers on the money.
Check it.
Ha! Don't that look like Uncle Dottie? Why aren't you out on the beach? Because daddy came to seduce you.
But for me to get in my sexy mode, I'm gonna need you to take off the hat and stop picking your toes.
It's all right, I'll push through it.
Baby, look, Izzy's not here and this is the Bahamas.
The islands of making love! You.
Me.
The ocean.
Underwater relations.
- Lead the way.
- Yes.
That's the nanny.
This'll just take a second.
Okay.
It's cool.
I'm gonna head down to the water.
It'll be just like our honeymoon.
Nobody will see what we're doing except for the mermaids.
Baby, for the last time, mermaids aren't real.
I know what I saw, woman! Don't yell at me.
Hi.
How's she doing? You know what else you should do when you tell me you love me? Keep your hands away from her mouth.
Hey, you My God, she ate the rind.
Anyway, when you tell me, make sure I'm wearing something cute.
Like that new blue bikini I got.
It really helps my eyes pop.
Elliot, stop, okay? You told me you loved me.
I told you I loved you back.
We both know how we feel about each other.
That should be enough, right? Stop acting so crazy.
I know it's wrong, but with our relationship clicking, I couldn't help but feel smug watching everyone else's melt in the hot Bahamian sun.
Oh, my God.
Are you ever gonna stop working and have some fun? See, I knew darn well you were full of crap when you said you didn't care if I spent time with you.
But truth be told, I finished all my work on the plane before we got here.
I just wanted to prove a point.
The wind is really taking that baby.
Oh.
Carla, where are you? Hey, sweetie.
It's okay, it's okay.
Mommy's here.
None of that drama for Elliot and me.
For us it was smooth J.
D.
: Elliot, where are you going? She's all mad.
Gary, I'm going to need two mamas, please.
Thank you, sir.
For what? - Can I at least have your fruit? - Get out! Ted, you had one job.
Keep the people I invited from actually coming to the wedding.
Did you tell them about the octopi that drag them into trees and suck their faces off? I did but they didn't believe me.
What? Okay.
This isn't a problem.
Did you remember to pack the giant octopus suit I made for you? Crap.
Teddy! You're killing me!