Shameless s08e14 Episode Script
The Not-So Deceased
Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back.
So, you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your Con-Dem nation, Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what? Is revolution a word, or was it never? Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak! It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now.
Party! Can someone please explain the criteria for a lie to be a little white lie? Whose standard are we measuring this by? Why don't we have labels for other sizes of lies? Lies that are off-white, or darkening shades of grey, until in the end they turn to big dirty pitch-black abominations? Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh.
A big rub.
Wow! It pains me to admit it, but I never thought she'd be this good.
Er need to change the barrel, yeah? What for? Jamie! Oh, shit.
Are you taking the piss? Mam! Mam, leave it, leave it.
Paddy?! Get in! He just couldn't go quietly, could he? Lady Diana had less people lining the streets.
God rest her soul.
When did he die? Right? What are you doing? Whoo! I'm surprised they weren't wearing balaclavas.
Ooh, that's a pretty one.
It's fucking lovely, Mimi! All right, mate? How's it going? Hiya.
All right? How's it going, man? Hey, I thought the IRA gave all their guns to the filth.
Yeah, well, plenty slipped through the net.
Shane, cheers, mate.
Good stuff.
See you, love, take care.
Nice weapon.
Ha-ha-ha.
Talk about drawing attention, though.
He's not stupid.
Now the police think he's dead, he can start all over.
So, where is he? Got off to Thailand, didn't he? He'll be sipping cocktails on a beach somewhere in Koh Samui.
Or hanging out with some underage brass in Patpingpong.
Yeah! Ah, fuck this.
Hiya, Mimi.
Hiya.
Fill your boots, lads.
'A Moss Side man has been arrested on suspicion of arson.
'The arrest follows a three-month-long investigation 'of a suspected firebomb attack on a house in' I need pushing to Chesney's.
Well, why can't he take you? He's got to further his education so he ends up nothing like you.
Oh! Oh! Spare the fucking rod, Patty.
This is the 21st century.
You can't buy a flagon of mead in the Jockey, you know.
And live rent-free as well? Well, helping out covers that.
Tinned food and chip shops? Tight bitch.
How many fucking brain cells is that gonna help me batter? Take a look around, Frank.
All those child benefits, long gone.
Carl looks after me.
Occasionally.
It's my money that keeps you going.
Plus, I couldn't trust you with any more than a tenner.
It was a one-off.
You would think I'd risk bankrolling such disgusting behaviour at Lillian's again? It's a proven timeless cure for lovesickness.
Even if you can't get it up? You should never have driven Libby away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you'd kept it in your pants, she'd still be here.
'We want you to ring in and tell us your ideas' Cigs, please, Ches.
And some green papers.
Hiya! Chesney! How long have you been there? You need to speak up, love.
I'll have you for discrimination.
Doubt it.
Keep your pork faggots! Hey, little man.
Procession was a bit OTT, wasn't it? You just practise looking sad.
Like the tears of a clown.
How's business? Demand's definitely there.
I could do four parties tomorrow if I had the staff.
Staff? Shit.
I have.
I've double-booked.
Relying on other people can be hard work.
I thought you were supporting me.
You know I am.
So, then, why do you keep avoiding me? I love what you're doing.
Lend us 500 quid, then.
It's cheap for a reason, Karen.
No, no, it's not cheap when you see what it can do.
You look after me and I might show you what I can do.
What's up with you? Not still missing Libby, are you? Oh, fuck me! Hello! Vernon Francis doesn't lose any kip cos the latest split-arse can't deal with the heat.
Everyone can see right through you! Tell me, do I look bothered? Don't feel sorry for him.
You all saw how he treated her.
except Marcie and Mandy.
They've just been vagazzled.
Swarovski.
Oh! Do I look like some low-life punter with zero self-respect? No offence, of course.
Suit yourself.
Ah! Oh! This bloody pub! She'll be perfect.
I just need two more now.
You've got no chance.
Where there's a will I'm sick of it! How am I supposed to get in and out on my own? Now what are you whinging on about? Your toilets.
You couldn't swing a cat in there.
Oh, yack, yack, yack.
Buy a drink or shut the fuck up.
If they're too small I'll have you for discrimination.
Whoa! Fucking Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman.
Lower than a rattlesnake's clout.
Oh.
Agreed! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? There's nothing worse.
Grasses make me sick.
I haven't done anything! And there's nothing for you to do if you're already barred.
Oh! Back at the gaff, Strangelove! I know they weren't together, but Mimi has just lost her husband.
That Scouse bitch shouldn't speak to me like that.
They're gangsters! More plastic than a Tupperware party.
I remember when Manchester had real villains.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Old-school QSG? Those old fuckers wouldn't last ten minutes on the streets today.
You don't mess with the Maguires.
Half-breed tinkers? Don't scare me.
Here.
Read that bit.
"2.
2 by 1.
8" Mm-hm.
Er "With a minimum turning circle of 1.
5 metres.
" Right, come on.
That's it there.
See? Knew it! Miles out.
Pass me the phone.
It's about time somebody stood up to those bullies.
Sorry for your loss.
That's every police station in South Manchester.
Something wrong with your legs? What am I supposed to put the ale in? Do us a favour, will you? Collect some glasses.
I've done a lot worse for a lot less.
I'm gonna go lie down a minute, yeah? Why can't you juggle like that? Because that knobhead was born a clown.
Karma police.
Paddy Maguire, bang to rights.
Hey, what's the odds on old nick-nack Paddy-whack drifting off all peaceful with a smile on his napper? Fucking no chance.
Chuckie ar la.
Bet half of him's not even in there, know what I mean? Vroom! Think he is chopped up? What happened to you chatting me up? What's the point if you won't let me do anything? Gaz Sharpe gave me this just to watch me bend over from behind.
I only want a kiss.
A kiss is actual contact.
Intimate.
Even prostitutes don't do that.
I'll have to work out what it's worth.
What do we want? Toilets! When do we want them? Now! What do we want? What the? When do we want them? Now! What do we want? Toilets! When do we want them? You're having a laugh.
What do we want? Toilets! When do we want them? Now! What do we want? Toilets! When do we want them? Get the fuck away from my pub! They're disabled! So, they should know better! You stupid bitch! This is a peaceful demonstration! Someone call the police! Jamie! Get away from me, you lunatic! You'll get nicked for being on the premises! Leave her alone! Jamie! Jamie, do something! Mam! Mam! We don't need any trouble with that coffin around.
We'll do it.
Someone sees sense.
You'll change both toilets? Men's and women's.
And a ramp? And am I still barred? No.
It's the right thing to do.
Jamie! Jamie! Jamie? Jamie! Jay! Wonder how he really died.
Probably had a heart attack.
Bit young.
My cousin's got one of these.
You don't break into gangsters' houses.
I think I just worked out what a kiss might be worth.
A picture of Paddy on your phone.
Letitia! Wait! What happened? You tell me.
You fainted.
Oh.
Jamie? Ah, isn't he funny, Jamie? Ha-ha-ha! Oh.
They've sent me under ever since.
And I thought you were a big, hard, fearless gangster.
This can't get out, Karen.
Course not.
I'm serious.
Any sign of weakness and people pounce.
Tony Soprano went to a shrink.
Karen.
OK.
I get it.
Surprise! Karen! Don't! Shh.
OK.
OK.
It'll be OK.
Please! I promise.
It'll be all right.
See? Just let it go.
Karen, please, I'm fucking begging you! Shh.
This'll work.
Don't be scared.
Come on.
No! OK.
Are you some kind of pervert? You owe me.
You didn't even get a photo.
What if I got something better? Are you stupid? We could sell it.
We? Leave it out! What if it's The trigger's a bit What are you doing? Get away from here.
Outside.
Just now.
Two shots.
Quickly! Should never have left Longsight.
You all right? That's all that matters.
How would I know if anyone was out to get us? Could be kids fucking about.
Why would we have enemies? Just part of the investigation, Mrs Maguire.
I'd like to know which grass reported this bullshit, though.
These things dig right into my tits.
Fucking Gunchester.
Give me the Dingle any day.
That was every wrong 'un in town and nobody's owning up to firing a gun.
Our enemies are lying low.
Right.
Well, go on.
The police.
Ah, now they really are taking the piss.
Not commiserating for Paddy.
Mental Macca got killed last night.
They haven't got a body, though.
No.
But half of his brain's left splattered on a wall.
How do you know anyway? He wouldn't take no for an answer.
We had no choice.
Is nothing sacred? It's an empty coffin! With your father's name on it! It was a lot less messy than chopping Macca up.
The bizzies just said that whoever killed Mental Macca is shooting at us.
Why would they say that? The bullet casings they found are from the same gun.
Bollocks.
They can't be.
Maybe it's their idea of a joke.
Oh, funny.
Very fucking funny.
Yeah.
Do you want to rearrange? OK.
Bye.
What's up? Another cancellation.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
I just need to check something.
Oh, aye? What have you done with our daughter? I paid her off.
You'll teach her bad habits.
She'll need plenty, if she's to get what she wants.
I know what you want.
Oh! And the warriors climbed off the unicorns, and dived into the crystal pool.
Which made their shorts go all see-through.
And all the children lived happily ever after.
What's Mental Macca doing in there? Ah, whoa! What have I done? Where is it? What? The gun.
I thought we'd sold them all.
The one with my prints on it.
Ahh! That Afro was the only reason you went out with me.
Is that what you reckon? My comb at an angle.
Tacchini tracksuit.
Break-dancing at West Wythy with Jason Orange.
I sure picked the right one then.
I could spin on my head better than him.
Only cos you had more padding.
Round two upstairs? Mm.
I'll be waiting.
Bye! I'm delighted the landlord has seen fit to cater to our needs.
It's about time more people stood up for what they know to be right.
Three cheers for Patty! Hip-hip! At least they're spending.
We'll take to the road and show no mercy for any business that fails to meet the basic levels of support needed by everyone in this community.
How was it? Not bad.
Come on, over here.
Always knew you were a clown, Micky! So, who got the best tips? What happened? Hoo-hoo! Who wants to see some magic, kids? Wanna play? Ooh.
Ha.
Ooh.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! So, no-one got paid? I had to pay them.
Compo.
But I'll cover it.
Do you know how much this gear costs? We'll do better next time.
Please, Karen.
I love my job.
Me too.
Must be true what they say.
Old Dr Time can heal all wounds.
With the help of a crushed-up Viagra and a gram of Charlie.
Jamie, get Patty whatever she wants.
A single malt.
Pint, Mimi.
Your fetid little maggot back in working order, then? Y'on about? Libby's better off away from such filth.
Lest we forget, your own daughter fucked off on you as well.
Because you filled her head full of romance and turned out to be a gobshite.
Ah.
And has she been in touch with her dear old mum to tell her how she is? Treat her to a coffee? Let her know where the fuck she's even gone? Son? Where is he? Aidan! I'm on the radio in a second.
That's nice.
Are you listening to your favourite great auntie on the wireless? You're my only great auntie.
Record it for us.
Did you get it back? It wasn't there and they're not saying anything.
You two getting it on yet? I'm on the radio in a minute, Carl.
Yeah, nice one.
I need a few Z's.
Had another late one.
'.
.
mathematics and science in older children.
'The Government's latest drive to raise standards' Aidan! It Carl! It's about to start.
'That's all the news.
But now, here's the weather.
' Someone come and just turn it up! '.
.
sunshine mainly in the afternoon.
Generally southeasterly breeze with warm temperatures, 'highs of 20 to 22 degrees Celsius.
' 'I'm delighted the landlords have seen sense 'time more people stood up for what they know to be right.
' 'Three cheers for Patty.
Hip-hip!' 'Hooray! 'Hip-hip!' 'Hooray!' 'Hip-hip!' 'Hooray!' Hey, look, everyone.
Here's Patty! We heard you on the radio, Patty.
Give her what she wants.
Whisky.
Again.
No gratitude for getting your mates in? A sheet of plywood and a brick? I know.
Wish I'd have thought of it earlier.
And again.
Patty! Come and join us.
Yeah, come and have a drink.
Yay! Too right, you should go and celebrate.
Children of the revolution! Chorlton nil, wheelies one, eh, Patty? No, it's a wonderful day, my sister of Shankly.
Especially when the drinks are on those close to you.
Ha-ha-ha.
Well done, Patty.
Well, aren't we popular? What do you want to keep your mouth shut? No chance.
Huh Hey, everyone! Come on! Big cheer for Patty! Yeah, party, party! Whoa! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha.
Your call.
Ha-ha.
Yeah, come on! Drinks all round! Wheelies! What's your pleasure? Come on! One two, three, four five Look at that one! .
.
six.
Cheeky f Oi! Leave it alone! Chatsworth's my patch.
Yeah? It's a free market.
Fucking Come on, lads.
That's got to be worth 50 quid.
Cheers, Tony.
Here y'are, do you wanna leave us your numbers? We might be able to get you some business.
That'll come in handy.
No, I'm really sorry.
No, I can't make Cody's birthday party.
It's very important.
Sorry.
No word? Maybe the filth are playing games with us.
Why would they? Because that's the sort of bullshit they pull.
Would the police fire a gun through your mam's window? Well, somebody has, and it's doing my head in.
Silver lining.
I am cutting down on all the clowns around here.
Falling down the stairs the day before your daughter's wedding? That's right.
All the way down? I needed an operation, didn't I? Impeccable timing.
She was too good for him.
Oh, too good for all of them if it means leaving you.
is no lottery win.
Hey, keeps the wolves at bay.
Stop showing off.
Drawing attention.
People know I can't stand the sight of you.
Clean off, mate.
Clean off.
No All right, boys, grab a plate.
I've made plenty.
Here you go.
And yours, Mimi.
I just laid it all out on a plate, didn't I? Changed man.
Virtually went down on my knees.
And still she went.
She always thought she was better than she was.
And then she threw it all back in my face.
I've seen women like her all my life.
She just wanted respect.
She's taking us to the cleaners, Frank.
Oh, well, she's blagged lesser men than you.
Real mover and shaker.
You see where Libby got it from.
Don't badmouth my daughter in public.
The teeniest bit of effort, that's all she needed to make, Lillian.
Me, me, me.
Why do you really think she left? You wouldn't have dared.
She wanted to give it another go with you.
No matter, I begged and reminded her you're nothing but a useless piss-pot.
So, you told her that you could walk? Maybe I needed to come clean.
Just so she'd fuck off? Unburden myself of a hateful lie.
And if knowing the truth helped her to find the strength to move on And I've been running after you like a busy cunt for four months? Mm.
And for what it's worth, you'll carry on.
Oh? Oh.
Er excuse me! Oi, oi! Um fellow Jockeyites! Get on this! Tss! Fwk! Christ! Don't do it! Yeeh! Is this a blagger I see before me? Frank.
You taking the piss? She can, you know.
As and when requested.
Yeah, I saw her! Go on, show 'em.
Rambling madman.
Oh! What did you see? What did I Ooh, listen to me on t'wireless.
Oh.
Tut-tut-tut! Tut! Tut-tut-tut! Splat.
Do you enjoy reminding me I'm a cripple? Now, now, Patty.
Trades description.
That's what I try, try, every morning.
Because I pray for a miracle every night.
And one one time in a thousand, I get the strength to force myself up and manage a whole second suspended on my feet.
Before always fall back down again! Leave her alone, you bully.
She's suffered enough.
Oh, you're good.
Come here, you fucking fraud.
Frank! Careful! No! No wonder fucking Libby left.
That's enough! OK.
OK, OK.
Right, OK.
Whoa! Frank! I'm warning you! You lying, twisted, piss-stained old fraud! You soft-arsed bone-idle tramp.
Libby's gone for good! Frank, come on! Aah! Fuck! Help! See! See! She can feel it.
I told you! Whoa! Leave her alone! Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh! Here, he's right.
You Oh! She can walk.
Hallelujah! Oh, for fuck's sake.
How braindead can you get? Hope it was worth it.
So, what about Micky and Lillian? I haven't got the bookings and this stuff costs a bomb to hire.
It wasn't cos I was smoking weed? I'm just not ready to expand.
Whatever it is, don't do it.
I know she knows I know they've got it.
Maybe they haven't.
Maybe it fell through a hole.
Like I wouldn't have felt it.
A hole in the floor? What are you doing? You still owe me a kiss.
You owe me a photo.
When did you get that? Last night.
Well, send it me, then.
Kiss first.
Standing.
Look, I've told you.
Kelly hates guns.
All I'm saying is she's capable.
She lies for a living.
What's that supposed to mean? She tells nonces she loves them all day long.
Karen's no angel.
Well, go on.
She knew you were selling guns too, you know.
Hey, she never even goes round there.
I know for a fact Kelly did not take that gun.
By my reckoning, that only leaves you.
Whoa! You gonna give your new boyfriend a kiss? Get off me! Again.
Where's the gun? I don't know what you mean! Look what we do to people.
Do you think we give a fuck if you go in the groundas well? Have it your way.
No! No, stop it! Stop! I took it home.
You.
You better hope they haven't sold it.
Check upstairs.
Who's a lucky boy, then? Aah.
So, you wanna play with fire, do you? No! No! No! Oh! Oh! Oh! Get'em off! More! More! More! We've already done half an hour over.
That's all you're getting! Get off! Get 'em off! Nobody said anything about this.
Like you didn't know! Karen! This party's over.
Get the door.
You're not going anywhere.
Bit of a prick teaser, are we? Get it out for the lads.
Yes.
Hey, hey, hey, give us that! It's his treat.
Let him fuck you! Karen! Come on, most strippers do a bit more, yeah! Do you know who I am? Some potless dirty bitch? Karen Maguire.
Wit woo.
Whoa! That's a big one.
Where's that going? Up your fucking ring piece, if you're not careful! What did you do that for? Hit him as well! Get off.
That's a heavy water pistol.
You reckon? Ah! My leg! That's what you get, you fucking cunts! Karen? Karen? You OK? What happened? It's all right.
Come on, tell me.
Just come here.
Dad always said you were at it.
What's up with you? Don't you dare waste that! Think you can fix things with a full English? He's not been right for days.
Hey, don't OK, I'll take 50-50 on the disability benefits.
You've got nothing on me any more.
You sure about that? No chance.
Well, grassing never sits easy.
But DSS, like pit bulls, get a sniff of blood.
They are going to want a big chat.
I'd say half each seems fair.
Keep your pathetic threats, Frank.
Someone's beaten you to it.
Time to pack your bags.
You looking at, you fat, lazy bastard? You wouldn't be in here if it wasn't for me.
She's full of shit, her! Like I don't know it.
Who backed her trip to Lourdes? Bottom line, it's down to her you're even in here.
Oh! The kid from Cincinnati, he say yes! Heh-heh-hey-hey! Who'd Adam and Eve it, eh? The luck of the Irish.
Burn the slag.
I said leave it! O blest Lord, Creator God in you all things are rendered pure by you are strengthened to endure.
O blest holy hand of God, all things are sanctified by you adorned, enriched, you make them new.
I'm at a funeral.
Go on, Patty! Go on, girl! Go on, Patty! Squaw Valley, California, 1960.
I was to be the first Irish winter ice-dancing Olympian.
Then I got pregnant with Libby.
What, at 15? Fucking Welcome to your spiritual home.
My country.
The Olympics.
Oh, imagine.
And because you didn't get to fuck about on ice skates it's all right to steal your daughter's life? What was your excuse, you useless parasite? Oh, well, yeah, you got me.
Guilty as charged.
I stole Libby's heart, but you know when you're like that, colours are brighter, birdsong's clearer.
Until the novelty fades away and I'm back in the arms of the only constant.
My only true love.
Am I a lesser man? This mother-child thing? Whoosh! Nurture, shelter, protect.
That's instinct, yeah? It's instinct.
Natural.
Then, with love and prayers, you set them free.
Too right.
Amen.
Just a thought.
I'd booked a termination.
At an underground clinic in Liverpool.
Oh, fuck off.
Abortion was still illegal.
Now you need to button it.
But the worst storm in a decade stopped the ferries for a week.
Daddy found out, locked me in my room for a month.
I wanted to get rid of her then and I don't need her now.
Well, I hope it was worth it.
I don't need anybody.
'At what point does withholding the truth become a lie? 'I bet politicians are given books to guide them on that.
'At what point in the lie you've just created is it too late to back out 'and telling the truth would do more damage? 'When you have to keep it going 'because you know that even if you manage to keep that lie going forever, 'it will eat you up so much inside you won't want to live anyway.
' Home deliveries.
Good idea.
I've got a bit of stock needs shifting.
I don't want to get involved in any illegal shit.
Let your driver take the flack.
Not over, is it? Between you and the running man? We've been acting out our fantasies.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
Like butter wouldn't melt.
Police just pulled me.
Luckily, I hid that lot somewhere else.
Avril, we need to talk.
You arrogant piece of shit! Morning! Hiya! Ring the police, Ches.
Tell them about your paedo tendencies while you're at it.
D'you want some sex? You were seen kissing her.
I knows my place, master.
Aah!
So, you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your Con-Dem nation, Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what? Is revolution a word, or was it never? Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak! It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now.
Party! Can someone please explain the criteria for a lie to be a little white lie? Whose standard are we measuring this by? Why don't we have labels for other sizes of lies? Lies that are off-white, or darkening shades of grey, until in the end they turn to big dirty pitch-black abominations? Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh.
A big rub.
Wow! It pains me to admit it, but I never thought she'd be this good.
Er need to change the barrel, yeah? What for? Jamie! Oh, shit.
Are you taking the piss? Mam! Mam, leave it, leave it.
Paddy?! Get in! He just couldn't go quietly, could he? Lady Diana had less people lining the streets.
God rest her soul.
When did he die? Right? What are you doing? Whoo! I'm surprised they weren't wearing balaclavas.
Ooh, that's a pretty one.
It's fucking lovely, Mimi! All right, mate? How's it going? Hiya.
All right? How's it going, man? Hey, I thought the IRA gave all their guns to the filth.
Yeah, well, plenty slipped through the net.
Shane, cheers, mate.
Good stuff.
See you, love, take care.
Nice weapon.
Ha-ha-ha.
Talk about drawing attention, though.
He's not stupid.
Now the police think he's dead, he can start all over.
So, where is he? Got off to Thailand, didn't he? He'll be sipping cocktails on a beach somewhere in Koh Samui.
Or hanging out with some underage brass in Patpingpong.
Yeah! Ah, fuck this.
Hiya, Mimi.
Hiya.
Fill your boots, lads.
'A Moss Side man has been arrested on suspicion of arson.
'The arrest follows a three-month-long investigation 'of a suspected firebomb attack on a house in' I need pushing to Chesney's.
Well, why can't he take you? He's got to further his education so he ends up nothing like you.
Oh! Oh! Spare the fucking rod, Patty.
This is the 21st century.
You can't buy a flagon of mead in the Jockey, you know.
And live rent-free as well? Well, helping out covers that.
Tinned food and chip shops? Tight bitch.
How many fucking brain cells is that gonna help me batter? Take a look around, Frank.
All those child benefits, long gone.
Carl looks after me.
Occasionally.
It's my money that keeps you going.
Plus, I couldn't trust you with any more than a tenner.
It was a one-off.
You would think I'd risk bankrolling such disgusting behaviour at Lillian's again? It's a proven timeless cure for lovesickness.
Even if you can't get it up? You should never have driven Libby away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you'd kept it in your pants, she'd still be here.
'We want you to ring in and tell us your ideas' Cigs, please, Ches.
And some green papers.
Hiya! Chesney! How long have you been there? You need to speak up, love.
I'll have you for discrimination.
Doubt it.
Keep your pork faggots! Hey, little man.
Procession was a bit OTT, wasn't it? You just practise looking sad.
Like the tears of a clown.
How's business? Demand's definitely there.
I could do four parties tomorrow if I had the staff.
Staff? Shit.
I have.
I've double-booked.
Relying on other people can be hard work.
I thought you were supporting me.
You know I am.
So, then, why do you keep avoiding me? I love what you're doing.
Lend us 500 quid, then.
It's cheap for a reason, Karen.
No, no, it's not cheap when you see what it can do.
You look after me and I might show you what I can do.
What's up with you? Not still missing Libby, are you? Oh, fuck me! Hello! Vernon Francis doesn't lose any kip cos the latest split-arse can't deal with the heat.
Everyone can see right through you! Tell me, do I look bothered? Don't feel sorry for him.
You all saw how he treated her.
except Marcie and Mandy.
They've just been vagazzled.
Swarovski.
Oh! Do I look like some low-life punter with zero self-respect? No offence, of course.
Suit yourself.
Ah! Oh! This bloody pub! She'll be perfect.
I just need two more now.
You've got no chance.
Where there's a will I'm sick of it! How am I supposed to get in and out on my own? Now what are you whinging on about? Your toilets.
You couldn't swing a cat in there.
Oh, yack, yack, yack.
Buy a drink or shut the fuck up.
If they're too small I'll have you for discrimination.
Whoa! Fucking Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman.
Lower than a rattlesnake's clout.
Oh.
Agreed! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? There's nothing worse.
Grasses make me sick.
I haven't done anything! And there's nothing for you to do if you're already barred.
Oh! Back at the gaff, Strangelove! I know they weren't together, but Mimi has just lost her husband.
That Scouse bitch shouldn't speak to me like that.
They're gangsters! More plastic than a Tupperware party.
I remember when Manchester had real villains.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Old-school QSG? Those old fuckers wouldn't last ten minutes on the streets today.
You don't mess with the Maguires.
Half-breed tinkers? Don't scare me.
Here.
Read that bit.
"2.
2 by 1.
8" Mm-hm.
Er "With a minimum turning circle of 1.
5 metres.
" Right, come on.
That's it there.
See? Knew it! Miles out.
Pass me the phone.
It's about time somebody stood up to those bullies.
Sorry for your loss.
That's every police station in South Manchester.
Something wrong with your legs? What am I supposed to put the ale in? Do us a favour, will you? Collect some glasses.
I've done a lot worse for a lot less.
I'm gonna go lie down a minute, yeah? Why can't you juggle like that? Because that knobhead was born a clown.
Karma police.
Paddy Maguire, bang to rights.
Hey, what's the odds on old nick-nack Paddy-whack drifting off all peaceful with a smile on his napper? Fucking no chance.
Chuckie ar la.
Bet half of him's not even in there, know what I mean? Vroom! Think he is chopped up? What happened to you chatting me up? What's the point if you won't let me do anything? Gaz Sharpe gave me this just to watch me bend over from behind.
I only want a kiss.
A kiss is actual contact.
Intimate.
Even prostitutes don't do that.
I'll have to work out what it's worth.
What do we want? Toilets! When do we want them? Now! What do we want? What the? When do we want them? Now! What do we want? Toilets! When do we want them? You're having a laugh.
What do we want? Toilets! When do we want them? Now! What do we want? Toilets! When do we want them? Get the fuck away from my pub! They're disabled! So, they should know better! You stupid bitch! This is a peaceful demonstration! Someone call the police! Jamie! Get away from me, you lunatic! You'll get nicked for being on the premises! Leave her alone! Jamie! Jamie, do something! Mam! Mam! We don't need any trouble with that coffin around.
We'll do it.
Someone sees sense.
You'll change both toilets? Men's and women's.
And a ramp? And am I still barred? No.
It's the right thing to do.
Jamie! Jamie! Jamie? Jamie! Jay! Wonder how he really died.
Probably had a heart attack.
Bit young.
My cousin's got one of these.
You don't break into gangsters' houses.
I think I just worked out what a kiss might be worth.
A picture of Paddy on your phone.
Letitia! Wait! What happened? You tell me.
You fainted.
Oh.
Jamie? Ah, isn't he funny, Jamie? Ha-ha-ha! Oh.
They've sent me under ever since.
And I thought you were a big, hard, fearless gangster.
This can't get out, Karen.
Course not.
I'm serious.
Any sign of weakness and people pounce.
Tony Soprano went to a shrink.
Karen.
OK.
I get it.
Surprise! Karen! Don't! Shh.
OK.
OK.
It'll be OK.
Please! I promise.
It'll be all right.
See? Just let it go.
Karen, please, I'm fucking begging you! Shh.
This'll work.
Don't be scared.
Come on.
No! OK.
Are you some kind of pervert? You owe me.
You didn't even get a photo.
What if I got something better? Are you stupid? We could sell it.
We? Leave it out! What if it's The trigger's a bit What are you doing? Get away from here.
Outside.
Just now.
Two shots.
Quickly! Should never have left Longsight.
You all right? That's all that matters.
How would I know if anyone was out to get us? Could be kids fucking about.
Why would we have enemies? Just part of the investigation, Mrs Maguire.
I'd like to know which grass reported this bullshit, though.
These things dig right into my tits.
Fucking Gunchester.
Give me the Dingle any day.
That was every wrong 'un in town and nobody's owning up to firing a gun.
Our enemies are lying low.
Right.
Well, go on.
The police.
Ah, now they really are taking the piss.
Not commiserating for Paddy.
Mental Macca got killed last night.
They haven't got a body, though.
No.
But half of his brain's left splattered on a wall.
How do you know anyway? He wouldn't take no for an answer.
We had no choice.
Is nothing sacred? It's an empty coffin! With your father's name on it! It was a lot less messy than chopping Macca up.
The bizzies just said that whoever killed Mental Macca is shooting at us.
Why would they say that? The bullet casings they found are from the same gun.
Bollocks.
They can't be.
Maybe it's their idea of a joke.
Oh, funny.
Very fucking funny.
Yeah.
Do you want to rearrange? OK.
Bye.
What's up? Another cancellation.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
I just need to check something.
Oh, aye? What have you done with our daughter? I paid her off.
You'll teach her bad habits.
She'll need plenty, if she's to get what she wants.
I know what you want.
Oh! And the warriors climbed off the unicorns, and dived into the crystal pool.
Which made their shorts go all see-through.
And all the children lived happily ever after.
What's Mental Macca doing in there? Ah, whoa! What have I done? Where is it? What? The gun.
I thought we'd sold them all.
The one with my prints on it.
Ahh! That Afro was the only reason you went out with me.
Is that what you reckon? My comb at an angle.
Tacchini tracksuit.
Break-dancing at West Wythy with Jason Orange.
I sure picked the right one then.
I could spin on my head better than him.
Only cos you had more padding.
Round two upstairs? Mm.
I'll be waiting.
Bye! I'm delighted the landlord has seen fit to cater to our needs.
It's about time more people stood up for what they know to be right.
Three cheers for Patty! Hip-hip! At least they're spending.
We'll take to the road and show no mercy for any business that fails to meet the basic levels of support needed by everyone in this community.
How was it? Not bad.
Come on, over here.
Always knew you were a clown, Micky! So, who got the best tips? What happened? Hoo-hoo! Who wants to see some magic, kids? Wanna play? Ooh.
Ha.
Ooh.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! So, no-one got paid? I had to pay them.
Compo.
But I'll cover it.
Do you know how much this gear costs? We'll do better next time.
Please, Karen.
I love my job.
Me too.
Must be true what they say.
Old Dr Time can heal all wounds.
With the help of a crushed-up Viagra and a gram of Charlie.
Jamie, get Patty whatever she wants.
A single malt.
Pint, Mimi.
Your fetid little maggot back in working order, then? Y'on about? Libby's better off away from such filth.
Lest we forget, your own daughter fucked off on you as well.
Because you filled her head full of romance and turned out to be a gobshite.
Ah.
And has she been in touch with her dear old mum to tell her how she is? Treat her to a coffee? Let her know where the fuck she's even gone? Son? Where is he? Aidan! I'm on the radio in a second.
That's nice.
Are you listening to your favourite great auntie on the wireless? You're my only great auntie.
Record it for us.
Did you get it back? It wasn't there and they're not saying anything.
You two getting it on yet? I'm on the radio in a minute, Carl.
Yeah, nice one.
I need a few Z's.
Had another late one.
'.
.
mathematics and science in older children.
'The Government's latest drive to raise standards' Aidan! It Carl! It's about to start.
'That's all the news.
But now, here's the weather.
' Someone come and just turn it up! '.
.
sunshine mainly in the afternoon.
Generally southeasterly breeze with warm temperatures, 'highs of 20 to 22 degrees Celsius.
' 'I'm delighted the landlords have seen sense 'time more people stood up for what they know to be right.
' 'Three cheers for Patty.
Hip-hip!' 'Hooray! 'Hip-hip!' 'Hooray!' 'Hip-hip!' 'Hooray!' Hey, look, everyone.
Here's Patty! We heard you on the radio, Patty.
Give her what she wants.
Whisky.
Again.
No gratitude for getting your mates in? A sheet of plywood and a brick? I know.
Wish I'd have thought of it earlier.
And again.
Patty! Come and join us.
Yeah, come and have a drink.
Yay! Too right, you should go and celebrate.
Children of the revolution! Chorlton nil, wheelies one, eh, Patty? No, it's a wonderful day, my sister of Shankly.
Especially when the drinks are on those close to you.
Ha-ha-ha.
Well done, Patty.
Well, aren't we popular? What do you want to keep your mouth shut? No chance.
Huh Hey, everyone! Come on! Big cheer for Patty! Yeah, party, party! Whoa! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha.
Your call.
Ha-ha.
Yeah, come on! Drinks all round! Wheelies! What's your pleasure? Come on! One two, three, four five Look at that one! .
.
six.
Cheeky f Oi! Leave it alone! Chatsworth's my patch.
Yeah? It's a free market.
Fucking Come on, lads.
That's got to be worth 50 quid.
Cheers, Tony.
Here y'are, do you wanna leave us your numbers? We might be able to get you some business.
That'll come in handy.
No, I'm really sorry.
No, I can't make Cody's birthday party.
It's very important.
Sorry.
No word? Maybe the filth are playing games with us.
Why would they? Because that's the sort of bullshit they pull.
Would the police fire a gun through your mam's window? Well, somebody has, and it's doing my head in.
Silver lining.
I am cutting down on all the clowns around here.
Falling down the stairs the day before your daughter's wedding? That's right.
All the way down? I needed an operation, didn't I? Impeccable timing.
She was too good for him.
Oh, too good for all of them if it means leaving you.
is no lottery win.
Hey, keeps the wolves at bay.
Stop showing off.
Drawing attention.
People know I can't stand the sight of you.
Clean off, mate.
Clean off.
No All right, boys, grab a plate.
I've made plenty.
Here you go.
And yours, Mimi.
I just laid it all out on a plate, didn't I? Changed man.
Virtually went down on my knees.
And still she went.
She always thought she was better than she was.
And then she threw it all back in my face.
I've seen women like her all my life.
She just wanted respect.
She's taking us to the cleaners, Frank.
Oh, well, she's blagged lesser men than you.
Real mover and shaker.
You see where Libby got it from.
Don't badmouth my daughter in public.
The teeniest bit of effort, that's all she needed to make, Lillian.
Me, me, me.
Why do you really think she left? You wouldn't have dared.
She wanted to give it another go with you.
No matter, I begged and reminded her you're nothing but a useless piss-pot.
So, you told her that you could walk? Maybe I needed to come clean.
Just so she'd fuck off? Unburden myself of a hateful lie.
And if knowing the truth helped her to find the strength to move on And I've been running after you like a busy cunt for four months? Mm.
And for what it's worth, you'll carry on.
Oh? Oh.
Er excuse me! Oi, oi! Um fellow Jockeyites! Get on this! Tss! Fwk! Christ! Don't do it! Yeeh! Is this a blagger I see before me? Frank.
You taking the piss? She can, you know.
As and when requested.
Yeah, I saw her! Go on, show 'em.
Rambling madman.
Oh! What did you see? What did I Ooh, listen to me on t'wireless.
Oh.
Tut-tut-tut! Tut! Tut-tut-tut! Splat.
Do you enjoy reminding me I'm a cripple? Now, now, Patty.
Trades description.
That's what I try, try, every morning.
Because I pray for a miracle every night.
And one one time in a thousand, I get the strength to force myself up and manage a whole second suspended on my feet.
Before always fall back down again! Leave her alone, you bully.
She's suffered enough.
Oh, you're good.
Come here, you fucking fraud.
Frank! Careful! No! No wonder fucking Libby left.
That's enough! OK.
OK, OK.
Right, OK.
Whoa! Frank! I'm warning you! You lying, twisted, piss-stained old fraud! You soft-arsed bone-idle tramp.
Libby's gone for good! Frank, come on! Aah! Fuck! Help! See! See! She can feel it.
I told you! Whoa! Leave her alone! Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh! Here, he's right.
You Oh! She can walk.
Hallelujah! Oh, for fuck's sake.
How braindead can you get? Hope it was worth it.
So, what about Micky and Lillian? I haven't got the bookings and this stuff costs a bomb to hire.
It wasn't cos I was smoking weed? I'm just not ready to expand.
Whatever it is, don't do it.
I know she knows I know they've got it.
Maybe they haven't.
Maybe it fell through a hole.
Like I wouldn't have felt it.
A hole in the floor? What are you doing? You still owe me a kiss.
You owe me a photo.
When did you get that? Last night.
Well, send it me, then.
Kiss first.
Standing.
Look, I've told you.
Kelly hates guns.
All I'm saying is she's capable.
She lies for a living.
What's that supposed to mean? She tells nonces she loves them all day long.
Karen's no angel.
Well, go on.
She knew you were selling guns too, you know.
Hey, she never even goes round there.
I know for a fact Kelly did not take that gun.
By my reckoning, that only leaves you.
Whoa! You gonna give your new boyfriend a kiss? Get off me! Again.
Where's the gun? I don't know what you mean! Look what we do to people.
Do you think we give a fuck if you go in the groundas well? Have it your way.
No! No, stop it! Stop! I took it home.
You.
You better hope they haven't sold it.
Check upstairs.
Who's a lucky boy, then? Aah.
So, you wanna play with fire, do you? No! No! No! Oh! Oh! Oh! Get'em off! More! More! More! We've already done half an hour over.
That's all you're getting! Get off! Get 'em off! Nobody said anything about this.
Like you didn't know! Karen! This party's over.
Get the door.
You're not going anywhere.
Bit of a prick teaser, are we? Get it out for the lads.
Yes.
Hey, hey, hey, give us that! It's his treat.
Let him fuck you! Karen! Come on, most strippers do a bit more, yeah! Do you know who I am? Some potless dirty bitch? Karen Maguire.
Wit woo.
Whoa! That's a big one.
Where's that going? Up your fucking ring piece, if you're not careful! What did you do that for? Hit him as well! Get off.
That's a heavy water pistol.
You reckon? Ah! My leg! That's what you get, you fucking cunts! Karen? Karen? You OK? What happened? It's all right.
Come on, tell me.
Just come here.
Dad always said you were at it.
What's up with you? Don't you dare waste that! Think you can fix things with a full English? He's not been right for days.
Hey, don't OK, I'll take 50-50 on the disability benefits.
You've got nothing on me any more.
You sure about that? No chance.
Well, grassing never sits easy.
But DSS, like pit bulls, get a sniff of blood.
They are going to want a big chat.
I'd say half each seems fair.
Keep your pathetic threats, Frank.
Someone's beaten you to it.
Time to pack your bags.
You looking at, you fat, lazy bastard? You wouldn't be in here if it wasn't for me.
She's full of shit, her! Like I don't know it.
Who backed her trip to Lourdes? Bottom line, it's down to her you're even in here.
Oh! The kid from Cincinnati, he say yes! Heh-heh-hey-hey! Who'd Adam and Eve it, eh? The luck of the Irish.
Burn the slag.
I said leave it! O blest Lord, Creator God in you all things are rendered pure by you are strengthened to endure.
O blest holy hand of God, all things are sanctified by you adorned, enriched, you make them new.
I'm at a funeral.
Go on, Patty! Go on, girl! Go on, Patty! Squaw Valley, California, 1960.
I was to be the first Irish winter ice-dancing Olympian.
Then I got pregnant with Libby.
What, at 15? Fucking Welcome to your spiritual home.
My country.
The Olympics.
Oh, imagine.
And because you didn't get to fuck about on ice skates it's all right to steal your daughter's life? What was your excuse, you useless parasite? Oh, well, yeah, you got me.
Guilty as charged.
I stole Libby's heart, but you know when you're like that, colours are brighter, birdsong's clearer.
Until the novelty fades away and I'm back in the arms of the only constant.
My only true love.
Am I a lesser man? This mother-child thing? Whoosh! Nurture, shelter, protect.
That's instinct, yeah? It's instinct.
Natural.
Then, with love and prayers, you set them free.
Too right.
Amen.
Just a thought.
I'd booked a termination.
At an underground clinic in Liverpool.
Oh, fuck off.
Abortion was still illegal.
Now you need to button it.
But the worst storm in a decade stopped the ferries for a week.
Daddy found out, locked me in my room for a month.
I wanted to get rid of her then and I don't need her now.
Well, I hope it was worth it.
I don't need anybody.
'At what point does withholding the truth become a lie? 'I bet politicians are given books to guide them on that.
'At what point in the lie you've just created is it too late to back out 'and telling the truth would do more damage? 'When you have to keep it going 'because you know that even if you manage to keep that lie going forever, 'it will eat you up so much inside you won't want to live anyway.
' Home deliveries.
Good idea.
I've got a bit of stock needs shifting.
I don't want to get involved in any illegal shit.
Let your driver take the flack.
Not over, is it? Between you and the running man? We've been acting out our fantasies.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
Like butter wouldn't melt.
Police just pulled me.
Luckily, I hid that lot somewhere else.
Avril, we need to talk.
You arrogant piece of shit! Morning! Hiya! Ring the police, Ches.
Tell them about your paedo tendencies while you're at it.
D'you want some sex? You were seen kissing her.
I knows my place, master.
Aah!