The Goldbergs s08e14 Episode Script

1 Back in the '80s, daytime talk shows reigned supreme, from Donahue to Joan Rivers, to Geraldo.
Americans ate up the low-stakes drama and high-stakes fights.
And for Barry and Geoff, their queen of afternoon TV was Philly legend Nancy Glass.
Explain to me how you find yourself in a relationship with a sex doll.
Pathetic.
This fool can't find real love, so he wants to marry a doll? Nancy always knows what to say, which in this case is, "You can't marry a doll!" That doll's not even that attractive.
Believe me.
I've seen some gorgeous dolls in my time.
Barry and Geoff were superfans, and the only thing that could be better than watching Nancy on TV would be seeing her show live.
Okay.
Remember when my dad cured that guy's blindness, after first causing that guy's blindness? While he was sightless, he developed a super sense of smell.
Which is how he sniffed out the killer mold that was growing in his walls.
Your dad saved that man's life by being so-so at his job.
Blowing right by all of that So, that guy's son works for Nancy Glass, and he gave me two tickets! Tickets to see Nancy live? Is this really happening? It's happening, all right.
Erica will you go see Nancy Glass with me? Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! Oh! My baby's gonna be in the audience of a daytime talk show! That's every mama's dream.
We got to plan your outfit.
If I'm gonna be on TV, I want maximum skin exposure, so I need to find my most formal bikini.
My child's gonna steal focus from the freak show onstage! You're taking that random girl over me? - Barry - Don't "Barry" me.
You're always choosing Erica, and I'm sick of it! Boyfriends and girlfriends do special things together.
And best friends don't? She breathes on my neck and makes me dizzy.
My breath smells bad, too.
Her hugs are full-body.
Big Tasty's hugs are also full-body.
- Here's proof.
- Oh, please don't.
- Let our bodies become one.
- Oh, I prefer them as two.
That's right.
Wear your friend Barry like a big, warm coat.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was March 24th, 1980-something, and my girlfriend, Brea, was off to visit her cousin at college, which for two teens in love, wasn't easy.
I can't believe we're not gonna see each other for three whole days.
We've never been apart that long.
One last kiss before you go? - Hell, yes! - Mom! Sorry, Schmoo.
You've got that lazy eye.
It wasn't clear who you were talking to.
Here's a fun way to know the difference - It's never you! - Oh.
We'll just save that kiss for later.
- Okay.
Love you.
- Love you too.
Sorry.
The eye keeps finding me.
So, where's Brea off to, kiddo? Visiting her cousin at the University of Virginia.
Hold on.
You're letting Brea visit a college south of the Mason-Dixon line, in a state that's famously "for lovers"? She's not visiting the school.
She's visiting her cousin.
Cousin visits are gateways to actual college visits.
One minute, you're all, "Yay! Our moms are sisters.
" And then, the next minute, "Mmm, yeah.
"I think I could spend four years here.
" Where are you going with this? Is a question I'm sure I'll regret asking.
Once Brea strolls past the columns of the UVA Rotunda and then picnics next to the waters of Lake Monticello, she will fall in love with the place.
Where is all this specific UVA information coming from? Have you and Brea even talked about your college plans? A little.
We're both applying to NYU.
So you explicitly told her that you wanted to go to school together? No, but we'll have that talk once we both get in.
Then everything will be hunky-dory.
You mean, hunky dog [Bleep.]
! While you're in the Big Apple yelling at taxis, she'll be watching a shirtless blacksmith making horseshoes while saying, "Oh, I do declare.
" Shirtless blacksmith? At least he should be wearing a leather apron while working the flame.
A-And stop trying to get in my head.
There's a famous saying "If you love someone, never set them free.
" That's not the saying.
Murray, a little help? Nah.
Sounds like she's doing a thing.
Adam, who knows ladies better than me? I'm still scoring left and right.
It's honestly too much.
- Ew.
- So much "ew.
" And how do I get all that sweet ew? Confidence! Let Brea Bee be.
You can talk about the future when she gets back.
- I'm going with Pops.
- Damn it, old man! Really? Usually, people just pretend to listen to me and then do whatever they want.
I don't even do the listening part.
Pops, I trust you completely.
When it comes to dames, you know your stuff.
Look who's back, baby! I hurt my back.
While Pops was helping me with Brea, Barry was looking for help with Geoff from the JTP.
- JTP! - JTP! Wait.
It's just you, Matt Bradley? - It was just me when you came in.
- Where's Naked Rob? He's getting his knee surgery.
He'll finally be able to walk without pain.
What about Andy? Let me guess.
- Height surgery.
- Close.
He's on a semester abroad in Sweden.
Those giant blond people will try to put him in their pockets.
- Maybe I can help.
- Mmm, it's a big "maybe," but here goes.
As you know, one of the things Geoff and I share as best friends is our love of Nancy Glass.
Oh, how could you not? Despite this bond, who's he taking to a live taping? My sister.
Also known as his girlfriend.
Also known as "I don't care.
" He's been choosing Erica over me for years.
It has to stop.
Barry, it's not as simple as that.
Erica isn't just Geoff's girlfriend.
She's gonna be his wife one day.
Everyone knows it.
- So? - So it makes things complicated.
I know things are weird for you, but imagine how weird things would be for Geoff if you were dating his sister, Joanne.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
Wait.
Are you actually listening to me? Indeed, Matt Bradley.
And now I know how to fix things with Geoff.
By dating Joanne.
Oh, no.
Oh, yup.
I'm gonna love his sister so hard, it'll make him insane.
- That doesn't sound right.
- Then I'll make him watch.
Only one way to interpret that.
Then he'll realize he should take me to see Nancy Glass.
Ta! And this one got away from me.
While Barry was off to chase Geoff's sister, Pops came to stop me from chasing Brea.
Okay.
There's no way your mom is done trying to convince you Brea is on the outs.
So I'm here to help.
What's the chalkboard for? Well, you kids are always making lists.
I want to be in on the fun, so "Adam and Pops' Day of Distraction.
" "Adam" starts with "A," so one slant left and one slant right.
Pops, you can just tell me.
Now let's connect these suckers.
Oh, damn it.
I started so strong! Oh, you've almost got an "A" there.
Out, Blondie.
The boy's taking my advice for once.
I just thought it'd be nice if Adam surprised Brea with a quick phone call.
I don't need to call Brea.
We're fine.
Plus, she's on the road.
There's no way to reach her.
Lucky for you, I've calculated her likely rate of speed, miles per gallon on her VW Rabbit, and the time she'll slow down to admire herself in the mirror.
According to my calculations, Brea should be at this gas station, and I've got the number on speed dial.
- Do not.
- Oops.
Be strong, Adam.
I have a great day planned.
First, we hit the pinball machine at Riley's.
Uh, is there a young woman there? Name's Brea, red hair, eyes that are fine but not gorgeous.
Brea? - It's her.
- Uh, hello? - Uh, hi there, fine eyes.
- Adam? Why are you calling me here? And how did you find me? A boy never reveals his secrets.
I mean man! All man! A man of men! I can't believe you did this to me! Uh, yeah.
I'm kind of running late.
My cousin's taking me to a party at the Rotunda tonight.
The Rotunda, huh? Sounds funda.
The Rotunda? Jefferson patterned it after the Parthenon! The Greeks, Adam.
Sell NYU hard! Uh, Adam, I really got to go.
But next year, we should Aw, she hung up! Good! Back to my thing.
Now, I like starting my D's with the big, round belly part.
Oh, God! Am I losing her already? Yes, you are.
- Unless - Unless what? Unless we drive down to Virginia so you can tell that girl how you feel.
A mother-son road trip? Mother-son road trip.
Oy, gevalt! I'm already packed.
So are you.
I'll meet you at the car.
As my mom and I started our trek to Virginia, Barry was determined to drive Geoff crazy.
Joanne Schwartz.
Funny meeting you here where your roommate said you'd be.
Barry Goldberg? I'm glad I'm here at law school, 'cause I have a confession to make.
- Mmm-hmm? - I'm guilty of falling for you hard.
What are you talking about? - We can't stand each other.
- Careful.
Lying to this jury will get you a life sentence of happiness.
Are you hitting on me? I once convinced you that our broken fridge was a spaceship.
You got stuck inside for hours.
Eh, near-death prank or childhood flirtation? Near-death prank.
And remember when I told you my mom's estrogen pills were a rare Japanese candy and you swallowed a handful? I was young and gullible.
- It was last spring.
- Okay.
We've had a fun give-and-take over the years.
Here's the deal.
I'm in a love triangle with your brother and my sister.
I don't think that means what you think it means, but go on.
He favors her more every day.
It's gotten so bad, he's taking Erica to see Nancy Glass instead of me.
What? Erica's the last person he should take.
- It should be me.
- You? Oh, I'm made for that audience.
No one "oohs" at salacious revelations like me.
You mean like this? Oh! Oh, ah! That's weak.
Here.
Check it.
Oo-oo-ooh! No.
It's oh-whoa! Oh, wow.
You've got skills.
Thank you.
So, are we doing this? I'll pretend to be your girlfriend just until Geoff realizes he shouldn't take Erica to Nancy Glass, but then the battle for the ticket is on.
It's a foolproof plan.
All right.
Determined to make Geoff see the error of his ways, Joanne and Barry put their plan in motion.
Whoa.
Does this mean Barry is Skin stuff.
- But who? - You may enter.
Oh, God! What am I looking at? You're looking at my new romantic partner, my lover, my flame, my main squeeze.
So much squeezing.
Pardon the sock on the door.
Our bodies and tongues were entwined.
Like snakes when they do it.
I have so many questions that I don't want to know the answers to.
Yeah.
I'm super confused.
What is this? Me and your closest living relative have fallen madly in love.
- Hmm! - Joanne, you are my queen.
- Ooh! - Which I'm told is the best piece in chess.
Also, I like your face and butt.
This is obviously not real.
I know it's crazy, but we realized all the years of teasing, we were just fighting our true feelings.
But no more, and we have you to thank for that.
Yeah.
If you hadn't broken the seal of dating your best friend's sister, which most of the civilized world recognizes - as a sacred taboo - Yeah.
we wouldn't have had the courage to take a chance.
Now, would we? You know what? This is great.
- Is it? - Yep.
And we are gonna celebrate with our first double date.
So we'll meet you out front.
- Sound good? - Sounds great.
Barry's my favorite mode of transportation, so I hope this doesn't bother anyone.
Yee-haw, baby.
Yee-haw! Why are you encouraging them? 'Cause they're obviously just trying to get under your skin.
But they can't keep this up.
Trust me.
I'm gonna leave this on the inside of the doorknob, 'cause we're about to go at it in the hallway.
While Barry and Joanne tried to get on Geoff's nerves, my mom and I were on the road to Virginia.
Ooh.
Let's practice what you say when you see her, okay? I'll be Brea.
Adam! What in tarnation are you doin' here? Why does Brea sound like Delta Burke looking for a husband at a picnic? The South changes people, Schmoo.
My, oh, my, Adam.
Is that you? Listen, Brea, I really want us to go college close to each other.
- Mmm.
- In New York.
What do you say? That's nice, but a gentleman would have told me sooner to show he cared.
But I'm saying it now.
My life is here now, where we drink sweet tea and race crawdads.
Race crawdads? How does that work? Play along.
Brea just dismissed you.
Fine.
Wait, Brea, my beautiful chicken-fried steak! My love for you could fill a thousand Piggly Wigglys with fried okra and Moon Pies! Aw, I'm not saying the right words.
That's it.
Don't tell Brea how you feel.
Show her.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
The classic Goldbergs' big romantic swing! And this one will be the biggest, because I'm overly involved.
She really was.
Unlike my dad.
Where is everyone? Actually, forget about it.
The important thing is they're gone.
Because you gave me no help, they're road-tripping to ol' Virginny! Virginia? That's a lot of gas.
Focus.
Adam's gonna tell Brea they need to go to college together next year, and he'll look like an insecure, needy nudnik.
Maybe the girl will think it's sweet.
It's gonna be over-the-top embarrassment.
Hello? Yeah.
I got it.
Thank you very much.
That was the bank.
Apparently, somebody in Maryland tried using my credit card to buy a white steed.
A white steed? I've seen that kid ride a bike.
This isn't gonna end well.
Damn it, now I have to do things.
Why didn't you say something? Oh, go [Bleep.]
yourself.
As my dad worried my mom and I were getting out of hand, Barry was not letting go of Joanne.
- Babe, pop a fry in my mouth.
- Yeah.
Oh! Mmm.
I have only one free hand, 'cause my other is holding your sister's and never letting go.
Yeah.
We nearly crashed when you were driving us here.
What happed to 10:00 and 2:00, mister? Oh, yeah.
I'd like your hands on my 10:00 and 2:00.
Also my 4:00 and 8:00.
That's too many hands! And you're both clearly annoyed that I'm taking Erica to see Nancy, but this is too much.
What'd I miss? Oh, just our new, in-your-face love.
- Joanne? - Yeah? Will you accompany me to the karaoke sign-up sheet? Oh, my God.
Our first trip together! I know this is fake, but they're both so insane, they may actually be made for each other.
They're not.
They just share the stubborn ability to commit to this fake relationship.
Which is weirdly cute.
- Am I rooting for them? - Please don't.
Next up, Goldberg and Schwartz singing Islands in the Stream.
Oh, Barry, what are you doing? What? Your sweet, stupid brother is trying to make up with me.
And you got there how? Islands in the Stream? Goldberg and Schwartz? That's our go-to karaoke song.
It's a classic romantic duet.
So romantic, but we sing it ironically.
Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown I set out to find you with a fine-tooth comb - What the hell? - I was soft inside There was something goin' on They're singing our ironic song sincerely.
Islands in the stream That is what we are No one in between How could we be wrong? Stop! You're making something hilarious beautiful! This is the first of many things I'll make beautiful instead of hilarious as I choose my girlfriend - Mmm! - over my best friend.
Poems.
Rom-coms.
Noticing haircuts.
You know, if your whole problem is this supposed best friend-girlfriend triangle, I can fix it for you right now.
We're no longer best friends.
With that, Geoff made Barry realize his plan had misfired.
Instead of getting his best friend back, he'd pushed him away.
Meanwhile, my mom and I were ready to pull off a Southern romantic gesture.
How do I look? If I was a girl your age, I would fall into your arms and never let you go.
I wish I didn't find that comforting.
Here goes nothing.
I'll go ready the fog machine, balloons, and confetti.
This was it.
I had my tux, my flowers, and one shot to convince Brea not to move south forever.
My mom and I had thought of everything.
Except that.
Oh, balls! Murray? What are you doing in the Deep South? Saving the boy from making the biggest mistake of his life.
You drove down to stop me? Damn right.
This is a huge mistake.
Look at your mom with the balloons.
I mean, how many balloons is that? The appropriate amount Murray.
Let's go.
Damn it, we know what we're doing.
We already role-played the whole scenario.
Let's do it again, only this time, I'll be Brea.
- Go ahead.
- Fine.
Brea, I never want us to be apart.
You stay away from me, you needy, lazy-eyed freak.
Go kiss your Starboy dolls.
I bet you'd like that, you weirdo.
Wow.
So much extra mustard.
Look, your mom got in your head.
She seems to think that if you go away for a little while, you go away forever.
Huh.
That does sound like her.
If you decide to stay here with Brea, she'll have a breakdown.
It's no coincidence she has two kids going to college just miles away from home.
Oh, my God! How did I not see it? This has been about you the whole time! That is outrageous! But maybe.
I almost ruined my relationship because of your crazy insecurity.
Is it so wrong that I want to keep my babies close to me? If it stops them from living their lives, it sure is.
I don't even want to be near you right now.
The day had arrived.
Geoff and Erica were seeing Nancy Glass live, and it was even better than they could've imagined.
So you're saying the ghost not only liked your pets but it knew your dog's name? I can't believe we're actually here.
Now let's open it up to the audience.
Any questions? - I've got a couple.
- Barry? Your guests had a hard time when the ghost who was haunting them moved on to another house? They did feel alone and forgotten.
Might a man feel similarly dismissed if his best friend started dating his sister and then treated him like hot garbage? I imagine that would be very hard.
Follow-up! Isn't it possible that "this guy" that that gentleman is referring to is actually just a giant selfish baby? Also, how did you get in here? Think you're the only person who knows the son of a blind guy who almost died of mold? Do you two know each other? That's my supposed best friend, who's dating my sister.
And that's the no-longer-my-best-friend who's pretending to date my sister.
Fake or not, you should support us.
Hey.
I'm the girlfriend of the brother's best friend, and I'm starting to think that my boyfriend, who I adore, asked the wrong person to the show.
Wait.
What? I want to focus on this, because you're all clearly hurting right now.
And also, ghosts aren't real.
I'm sorry.
They're just not.
Names? - Uh, Geoff.
- Erica.
- Barry.
- Desdemona Von Jorgerson.
Erica, why do you think Geoff asked the wrong person here today? They watch your show together all the time.
It's, like, their favorite thing.
I love you, Erica, and I just wanted to share this experience with you.
Aw! That love used to be for me.
Barry, let me take a stab at this.
Do you suppress your feelings and then let them all out at once like an emotional volcano? Holy crap, she's good.
What do you want to say to Geoff right now? Be honest, but be calm.
There's no one in the world I'd rather have date my sister.
Aw! But you're still my best friend, and sometimes I want my special time with you.
- Geoff? - I guess our situation is a little more complicated than I realized.
And I could be better about making sure we have time to hang out.
Barry, what do you want to do right now? Be sincere.
- Hug.
- Geoff? Let our bodies become one.
Let's do it, boys.
Just like that, Nancy Glass fixed Barry and Geoff.
As unlikely as that was, there was another unexpected mediator that day.
- My dad.
- Let's go.
Not with me.
You're going with your mom.
No way.
Look, your mom is an anxious person.
She's an all-time worrier, but nine times out of ten, that worrying keeps you kids safe and happy.
I know.
Your mom is terrified about you going to New York.
But it's how you want to chase your dreams, so she's behind you 100%.
She is, isn't she? Come on.
Give her another chance.
Get goin'.
I am so sorry, Schmoo.
I promise, from here on out, I will never interfere with your happiness again.
No matter how far away it may take you.
You will.
But It's okay.
It's easy to want the people we love to stay close by.
Mostly 'cause, deep down, we're afraid they won't come back.
But the truth is that time apart could make you realize what needs to change.
And that change can open up a world of possibilities.
Hey.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to let you know that you may have been my pretend boyfriend, but you were way better than most of my real ones.
- Aw, you're just saying that.
- I'm not.
And I was thinking, it was so much fun when we were pretending, would you ever want to, I don't know, not pretend? What's happening out here? I'm not sure, but I think I'm gonna find out.
Yep, life is full of surprises.
It's the twists and turns that keep the journey exciting, no matter how far you go.
I missed you.
- Really? - So much.
Virginia's beautiful, but it's way too far away from you.
In the end, absence does make the heart grow fonder.
As it turns out, when you love someone, it's okay to let them go.
'Cause if that love is real, you can always rely on each other.
I'm Nancy Glass and tonight we'll hear very different views on those issues.
I don't want to call you a liar, but no one here believes you.
Smells good.
What are you cooking? Oh, just some fried catfish, hush puppies, sweet potato pie, and Mama's famous fried okra.
Brea's coming over! She can't know we've been down South! Quit your fussin'.
I reckon I'd never tell tales about goin' down yonder.
Damn it, woman.
Get it together! Please.
You ain't knee-high to a June bug, so don't pitch a hissy fit, and set a spell.
There she is! Now, don't get too far in here, 'cause we gotta git.
I mean go! Damn it! I thought we were having dinner.
- Are those hoecakes? - There's no way to know! - Move, move, move! - What? Oh! Y'all come back now, ya hear?