The Simpsons s08e14 Episode Script

## [Chorus Singing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
[Guffawing.]
I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids.
Now it's time for another "fanschmabulous" episode of Itchy and Scratchy.
[Gasps.]
[Screams.]
- [Screaming.]
- [Giggling.]
[Sighs.]
[Screams.]
Kids? Kids? You're missing the Itchy and Scratchy Show.
- Don't you like it anymore? - Sure.
We love it.
But how can we watch TV when it's so beautiful out? Yeah, Mom.
I mean, we love you and Dad too but God knows we don't need to see you every day.
An occasional hug is all I ask.
Mom! You can hug me when I'm asleep.
- I do.
- [Screams.]
[Krusty Groaning.]
Hey, Krusty, you look great.
You get your teeth bleached? Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment- Hey, shut up! You're here 'cause your Itchy and Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings! Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show.
[Muttering.]
Kaboom! What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? See, that's what I thought at first, but then- Hey, shut up! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison! But Itchy and Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Acclaimed? [Spits.]
I oughta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon where the robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger.
So I'll give you one more chance.
Get out! Don't come back till you fix Itchy and Scratchy.
[Woman.]
Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'N' Roll Museum.
And- I'll come back later.
I need to purchase a brassiere.
You kids wait over here in the credit department.
Oh, can't we just wander around and meet you back here later? Mmm, okay.
Just be careful.
Would you kids like to come with me? - Sounds good to me.
Let's go.
- Okay.
I guess so.
All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids.
Today we're gonna show you some Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.
- [All Cheering.]
- Cool! We want you to tell us what you think.
And be honest, because no one from the show is here spying on you.
- [Man Sneezes.]
- Why is that mirror sneezing? Uh, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror.
You know, sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
Now, you each have a knob in front of you.
- When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right.
- [Beeps.]
- When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
- [Buzzes.]
My knob tastes funny.
Please refrain from tasting the knob.
[Cartoon Soundtrack.]
[Screams, Groans.]
- [All Laughing.]
- [Knobs Beeping.]
[Grunting.]
- [Knob Beeping.]
- Hey, quit it! [All Laughing.]
They like Itchy.
They like Scratchy.
One kid seems to love the Speedo man.
What more do they want? Okay, how many of you kids would like Itchy and Scratchy to deal with real-life problems like the ones you face every day? - [All Shouting.]
- Great idea! Yeah, that's it! And who would like to see them do just the opposite- getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers? [All Shouting.]
So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? - That's right.
- Yeah, good.
And also you should win things by watching.
- Huh.
- You kids don't know what you want.
That's why you're still kids- 'cause you're stupid! Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show! [Crying.]
- [Buzzing.]
- Mommy! Um, excuse me, sir.
The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy and Scratchy Show.
It's as good as ever.
But after so many years the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
That's it.
That's it, little girl! You saved Itchy and Scratchy! Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy and Scratchy.
Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy and Scratchy.
I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show.
It is so simple, you egghead writers would've never thought of it.
What we need is a new character! One that today's kids can relate to! Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Hey, this ain't art! It's business! What do ya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus? No.
No.
The animal chain of command goes mouse, cat, dog.
D-O-G.
Uh, a dog? Isn't that a tad predictable? In your dreams.
We're talking the original dog from hell.
You mean Cerberus? We at the network want a dog with attitude.
He's edgy.
He's in your face.
You've heard the expression "let's get busy.
" Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay.
" Consistently and thoroughly.
- So he's proactive, huh? - Oh, God, yes.
We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"- aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
- I'm fired, aren't I? - Oh, yes.
The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog.
I don't know.
Something along the lines of, say, Poochie.
- Only more proactive.
- Yeah! - [Door Slams.]
- So, Poochie okay with everybody? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you know, it's good.
No, no, no.
He was supposed to have attitude! Um, wh-wh-what do you mean exactly? Oh, you know, attitude! Attitude! Uh, sunglasses! Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context? Forget context.
He's gotta be a surfer.
Give me a nice schmear of surfer.
I feel we should "rastafy" him by 10% or so.
Hmm.
I think he needs a little more attitude.
- Oh, yeah, bingo! There it is right there! - Yeah, that works.
- That's it.
- I love it.
Hey, Lise, look.
They're adding a new character to Itchy and Scratchy.
Poochie the Dog? Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.
Yo, yo.
How's it hangin', everybody? - Morning, Roy.
- Yeah, hi, Roy.
Hey, they're having open casting for the voice of Poochie.
You should try out, Dad.
You have a funny voice.
- I do not! - Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder? - I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick.
- Well, here.
Say something.
Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying howdy to all the girls out there in radio land.
[Rewinding.]
- Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying- - [Screams.]
I don't sound like that, do I? Oh, I don't like having such a hilarious voice.
That hilarious voice could be your ticket to stardom.
Whoa! A talking dog.
[Laughs.]
What were you guys smokin' when you came up with that? We were eating rotisserie chicken.
Can you just read the line, please? Ruff, ruff.
I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog.
You're perfect! In fact, you're better than perfect! Next to you, perfection is crap! Ruff, ruff.
I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog.
Hi.
I'm Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such cartoons as Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp.
You're even better than this guy.
- Take a hike, you bum.
- [Groans.]
[Clears Throat.]
Ruff, ruff.
I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog.
Now, that's just bad.
You got no attitude, you're barely outrageous and I don't know what you're in, but it's not my face.
- Next.
- Oh, no attitude, eh? Not in your face, huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly! That's it! That's the Poochie attitude! Do that again.
Huh? I can't.
I don't remember what I did.
Then you don't get the job.
Next.
Oh, I don't get the job, do I? Well, boo-hoo! I don't get to be a cartoon dog! That's it! You've got the job! Oh, now I got the job, huh? Oh, thank you.
Okay, Homer, let's get a level check on your voice.
She smells sheet smells by the sheet "shtore.
" Wait.
Wait.
Let me try it again.
Relax, Homer.
You'll do fine.
I'm June Bellamy.
I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy.
You? But you're a lady.
[Itchy's Voice.]
She's a lady all right.
[Scratchy's Voice.]
A beautiful lady.
[Laughing.]
Hey, that really is you! How'd you get to be so good? Oh, just experience, I suppose.
- I started out as Roadrunner.
"Meep.
" - You mean "meep-meep"? No.
They only paid me to say it once.
Then they doubled it up on the soundtrack.
Cheap bastards.
- You folks ready to begin? - Uh, I guess.
Is this episode going on the air live? No, Homer.
Very few cartoons are broadcast live.
It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.
Hi.
Question for Miss Bellamy.
In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone he strikes the same rib twice in succession yet he produces two clearly different tones.
I mean, what are we- to believe that this is some sort of a- [Chuckles.]
a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
- Uh, well, uh- - I'll field this one.
Let me ask you a question.
Why would a man whose shirt says "genius at work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show? I withdraw my question.
Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Simpson.
On the Itchy and Scratchy CD-ROM is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key? What the hell are you talking about? You're a lifesaver, Homer.
I can't deal with these hard-core fans.
[Clears Throat.]
Your attention, please.
- Uh, in episode- - Uh, your attention, please! Mr.
Simpson will now be autographing One per customer.
Please form a line.
There will be no cutting.
I'm talking to you, Mr.
Cutter.
Pardon me.
Look out.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Hot soup.
Hi.
Kindly make one out to me and three out to my friend of the same name.
[Marge.]
I'm so glad you couldjoin us for Homer's big premiere.
- [Chattering.]
- Poochie's based on me.
Is this seat taken, little girl? - I'm not a girl! Are you blind? - Yes.
I am stoked, Mr.
S.
Shh.
Everybody, it's coming on! Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage.
man walks on the moon.
man walks on the moon again.
Then for a long time, nothing happened.
Until tonight.
Behold the future of comedy.
Poochie! [Children Cheering.]
[Singing.]
Ah.
Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie! What's that name again? I forgot.
[Rapping.]
Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.
He's totally in my face.
- ## [Electric Guitar.]
- Wiggity, wiggity.
Word up.
Rock on, party.
When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? [Whining.]
Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Midge, help me out here.
Quiet! You're missing the jokes.
## [Rock.]
Catch you on the flip side, "dudemeisters.
" Not! Hey, kids, always recycle to the extreme! - Busted! - [Tires Screeching.]
Ah, that stunk! Well, what did everybody think? [All Muttering.]
Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.
Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer.
You, uh, got a beautiful home here.
- [Tires Screeching.]
- [Grunts.]
So, it was pretty okay, huh? Mom, can we go to bed without dinner? Yes, we can.
- [Door Slamming.]
- Well, at least I liked it.
Didn't I? [Thinking.]
Oh, you don't want to know what I really think.
Now, look sad and say "d'oh.
" D'oh.
I'm the worst Poochie ever.
No, it's not your fault, Dad.
You did fine.
It's just that Poochie was a soulless by-product of committee thinking.
You can't be cool just by spouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.
- Don't have a cow, Lise.
- Bart's right.
Let's none of us have a cow.
All that matters is that the fans of the show liked it.
Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain? As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free.
What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
Worst episode ever.
It looks like the beginning of the end for the venerable Itchy and Scratchy program.
For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade.
Yesterday our prayers were finally answered when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut.
Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall but I have a feeling no children are gonna be crying when this puppy is put to sleep.
[Laughing.]
[Cries.]
What the hell happened? Well, I'd attribute the product failure to fundamental shifts in our key demographic coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie.
[Cries.]
Oh, you gotta stop this thing! [Crying.]
Please! I'm gettin' egged on the street! Do somethin'! Do somethin'! [Crying Continues.]
- [Knocking.]
- Uh, hi, Mr.
Meyers.
I've been doing some thinking, and I got some ideas to improve the show.
I got it right here.
Uh, one: Poochie needs to be louder, angrier and have access to a time machine.
Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?" - Three- - Great.
Great.
Just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.
[Chattering.]
- [Man.]
Okay, so, anyway- - Hmm.
[Chattering Continues.]
Listen, guys, we've gotta do something about Poochie.
[Krusty.]
There's only one thing we can do.
Then they said they were gonna kill Poochie off.
Really? Oh, how terrible.
Yes, terrible.
It's not your fault, Homer.
It's those lousy writers.
They make me madder than a, um, yak in heat! You're right, Marge.
It's not my fault.
I'm not gonna let 'em treat Poochie like dirt anymore just because he's the new guy.
- Right on, Mr.
S.
- Put a sock in it, Roy.
Okay, so here's where Itchy lunges at Poochie with a rusty chain saw.
- Cue sound effects.
- [Chain Saw Sound.]
- Rustier! - [Rustier Sound.]
[Itchy's Voice.]
Are you prepared to die, Poochie? No, I am not.
Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut.
Just stick to the script as written, Homer.
You're supposed to say, " Please cut off my head.
I don't deserve to live.
" Never! [All Gasping, Muttering.]
You can't just kill off a classic TV character.
Poochie could be bigger than curly fries.
But first he has to win back the audience.
That's why I'm gonna read these lines I wrote myself with my own two hands.
Forget it, Homer! We can do this show without you if we have to.
- But not without me.
- Oh, geez! Let him try the new lines.
All right.
All right.
We'll try them.
Action.
[Itchy's Voice.]
Hi, Poochie.
You look like you've got something to say.
- Do you? - Yes, I certainly do.
Hello there, Itchy.
I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away and I think we got off on the wrong foot.
I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry.
But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog nobody wanted I know we can make 'em laugh and cry till we grow old together.
And cut.
Now, kids, I know you loved the old Poochie but the new one's gonna be better than 10 Super Bowls! I don't wanna oversell it.
Judge for yourself.
[Screams.]
Well, look who's here.
Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say.
- Do you? - Yes, I certainly do.
[Man's Voice.]
I have to go now.
My planet needs me.
[Organ.]
Wow! Poochie came from another planet? Uh, I guess.
Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! Poochie's dead! [Guffawing.]
[Cheering.]
Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die they're back again the very next week.
That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.
[Children Cheering.]
- Oh, yeah! - [TV Switches Off.]
Tough break, Dad.
I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie.
- Maybe in a few years.
- Good news, everybody.
I'm movin' into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.
Oh, then I guess this is good-bye, Roy.
- Maybe we'll see you in a few years.
- [Clicks Tongue.]
Well, I guess I learned my lesson.
The thing is, I lost creative control of the project.
And I forgot to ask for any money.
Well, live and learn.
[Instrumental.]
Oh! [Screaming.]
[Laughs.]
It's back to the basics- classic Itchy and Scratchy.
We should thank our lucky stars they're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years.
What else is on? - [Murmuring.]
- Shh!