Bewitched (1964) s08e15 Episode Script

Hi.
This is Elizabeth Montgomery, inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[.]
Do these look all right, sweetheart? Fine, fine.
How about these? Great, great.
How about this? Perfect, perfect.
You sure it's not too dressy? Sam, will you stop kidding around? We don't want to be late.
We have plenty of time.
Oh, wait a minute.
Let me help you with those.
These business dinners are a pain anyway.
Why do you do it? It's all part of Larry's selling concept.
Wine, dine, and sign.
Yoo-hoo, Esmeralda.
Oh, Mr.
Stephens, you don't have any pants on.
In the privacy of my bedroom, I don't see anything wrong with that.
If I had any privacy.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll just pop down to the kitchen and fix myself some scrambled legs.
Eggs.
Ohh Sam, what is she doing here? She told you.
Her flaps were flipping when they should've been flapping.
I don't mean in the bedroom.
I mean here.
Help! Help me! ESMERALDA: Help me! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help me! Help me! Oh, my goodness, how'd I get in here? Help! Help! Sam, don't tell me that Well, it isn't Santa Claus.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: [.]
[.]
Be careful.
Watch your hat now.
Now, you're all upset over nothing.
Just relax and I'll, uh, I'll clean you up.
Sweetheart, would you turn the other way? With pleasure.
There you are.
Thank you, Samantha.
You're so talented.
Oh, I see you're dressed up to go out.
I guess it's lucky I dropped by.
It is? I mean, it'll solve your sitter problem.
Well, that's very sweet of you, Esmeralda, but Aunt Hagatha's baby-sitting for us.
Aw Well, I mean, naturally, we thought of you right away, but Samantha, I know that you're just saying that to make me feel better.
Oh, no! But the truth is, I know you don't trust me, but I don't blame you, I don't blame you.
So if you don't mind, I'll just say my final goodbyes.
What do you mean goodbye? Where are you going? No place.
I'm going to change myself into something useful.
Change yourself? Into what? A punching bag.
Hitting a punching bag helps people get rid of their frustrations and it's also good exercise.
So at last I'd be doing something worthwhile.
Esmeralda, you're not making any sense.
I thought she made sense.
Esmeralda, you're overreacting.
You're our favorite baby-sitter.
I am? Well, of course.
You're always our first choice.
You're wonderful with the children.
Oh, if I thought that was true It's true, it's true.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
[.]
Larry, I thought we were to meet you and the Nortons at the restaurant.
So did I, up until 15 minutes ago.
Hi, Sam, Esmeralda.
What happened? Their regular sitter conked out.
Well, if it's just a matter of a baby-sitter, why don't the Nortons call the agency? Are you kidding? A regular, run-of-the-mill baby-sitter for the Nortons? Oh.
Mr.
Norton said to go on to dinner anyway as his guests.
Well, somehow it doesn't seem right to go without the Nortons.
LARRY: Doesn't seem right to me either.
You know, I was all set to maneuver Norton into signing on the dotted line.
Well, I-if your business dinner is so important I happen to know someone who's very good with children.
Oh? At least, certain persons think so.
Well, who'd you have in mind? Shall I tell him, or will you? Well, I guess I'll tell you.
Me.
You? Well, I thought you were sitting for Sam and Darrin, aren't you? Uh-uh.
They had to settle for Samantha's Aunt Hagatha instead.
Well, then, if you're available, we're in.
No, we're not.
I mean, Esmeralda isn't up to Weren't you just telling us how not up to things you felt? Well, just to know that I'm needed, all of a sudden, I feel much better.
Oh, it's like a miracle.
Then it's all settled.
I'll call the Nortons and tell them we've found the perfect baby-sitter.
And we can keep our dinner date.
Uh, Larry, no.
Uh, er Believe me, it won't work out.
Well, why not? Esmeralda sits for your kids, doesn't she? Yes, she's perfect for us, but But what? But, well But what? Your kids aren't any different from any other kids.
You wanna bet? [.]
Of course, I won't go into details about the campaign I worked up, but when Darrin lays it out for you Are you positive she's qualified? Mrs.
Norton, your fears are needless.
Sam tell her what a marvelous baby-sitter your aunt is.
Oh, yes, well Aunt Esmeralda is out of this world.
Way, way out.
Martha, I really wish you'd stop worrying about this.
I think the reason Ralph is so sensitive is that you fuss over him too much.
[SIGHS.]
Mrs.
Norton, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.
Matter of fact, your Aunt Esmeralda probably has more to worry about than Ralph.
"And from that time on, "the little prince was never lonely again "because all he had to do was sit down on his wonderful traveling cloak" [.]
Ralph, that arrow came very close.
"on his wonderful traveling cloak "and go sailing off into the sky, soaring over the mountains, and rivers, and villages.
" There.
How did you like the story of The Little Lame Prince? No one can fly with a cloak.
With this one you could.
How come? Was it jet-propelled? Better than that.
It was a magic cloak.
What? What happened? Just a little magic.
There's no such thing as magic.
If I wanted to, I could show you some magic.
Go ahead.
Well Well, all right.
But you've got to promise not to tell anyone.
Now, then, let me see Oh.
Keep your eye on that lion cub and watch his tail wag.
Thirteen uncles, Eighteen nieces, Wag, oh, wag your tail To pieces.
[.]
He didn't wag his tail.
Well, I'll just try something else.
Let me see.
Now, what was that one? Oh, yes.
Flapjacks and noodles, Hamburgers rare, I want two poodles, And make it a pair.
[GROWLS.]
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness.
I said "pair," not "bear.
" Who cares? Can I keep him? Oh, no, Ralph.
Your parents wouldn't like it.
Eat a peach, peel a pear, O'Leery and O'Brien, Bear fade and change to air, To prove that I'm not lying.
I did it! I did it! Now, Ralphie, it's time for you to go to sleep.
[.]
Elliott.
I'm worried about Ralphie.
Oh, Martha, please, don't start that again.
Mrs.
Norton, why don't you call home? I'm sure everything's all right.
Okay, okay, if that'll make you feel better.
Waiter! Bring us a phone, will you, please? How do you do all those tricks? Are you a magician? No.
I'm a witch.
You are? Boy, I wish you could sit with me all the time.
That would be nice.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Well, good night, Ralphie.
Night.
[.]
Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs.
Norton.
Yes.
Oh, yes, everything's fine.
Ralphie's just going to sleep now.
Oh, yes, you all have a good time.
Everything's fine.
So I'll see you later.
Bye-bye.
Come in.
ESMERALDA: Good evening.
Good evening.
How's our little Ralphie? Oh, I just checked on him.
He's sound asleep with such a peaceful smile on his face.
I can't understand it.
Getting him to sleep has been such a hassle.
How did you manage? Just a knack.
Excuse me while I get my coat.
A knack! She has a rare talent.
Darrin, your ideas are very good.
Now, we're meeting tomorrow afternoon [.]
Thank you.
I'll be looking forward to it.
Uh, we'll be saying our good-nights, then.
I'm rather anxious to check on our baby-sitter.
Good night, Mr.
Norton, Mrs.
Norton.
MRS.
NORTON: Good night.
Thanks again.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Sam, what are you doing? Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
[VICIOUS SNARL.]
[.]
Where did he come from? Yes, Esmeralda, where did he come from? Oh, mercy.
Well, never mind.
Just tell me what he was, and I'll change him back.
He was a stuffed toy.
I thought you couldn't change Well, I can't change the spell, but I can change that lion cub into a toy lion cub.
Put this over here, where Ralphie will find it in the morning.
Every other baby-sitter just sits.
But not Esmeralda.
Oh, no.
She has to amuse her clients with sloppy, second-rate spells that invariably Everything turned out just fine, Darrin.
So I don't care to discuss it.
[.]
Mr.
Stephens is absolutely right.
I am just a sloppy, second-rate witch.
Esmeralda, will you forget about that? And I'd probably turn out to be a sloppy, second-rate punching bag too.
Stop punishing yourself.
The incident is forgotten.
Well, I better put the roast in the oven.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[.]
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Norton.
What a pleasant surprise.
This is not a social visit.
Oh.
Well, come in, let me fix you a cup of coffee or tea.
Uh-oh.
There.
See what you've done? What I've done? It's just a black eye, Mom.
Just a black eye? Oh, my poor, brave darling.
Mrs.
Norton.
I'm very sorry about Ralph's shiner, but how Well, I-I mean, what does that have to do with me? You recommended your Aunt Esmeralda, didn't you? Well, yes, I did, but MRS.
NORTON: And it was your Aunt Esmeralda who filled Ralphie's head with all of those lies about witches and spells.
But she's a good witch.
Shut up, Ralphie! Mrs.
Norton, I don't know what Ralph told you, but Ralphie didn't tell us anything.
He told his classmates all those lies about animals appearing and disappearing.
And having a witch for a baby-sitter.
His classmates made fun of him.
One thing led to another and they started to fight.
Those monsters might have killed my little Ralphie.
Mrs.
Norton, I can't tell you how sorry I am.
MRS.
NORTON: Sorry is not enough.
I came here to tell you that your Aunt Esmeralda is a menace.
My little Ralphie never lied before.
Mrs.
Norton, I'm sure I can explain, if you'd just give me chance And don't think that I haven't told Mr.
Norton about this outrage.
[.]
Oh, I wouldn't think that for a second.
Well I suppose you heard.
Every word.
Of course, you're not gonna let a little thing like that bother you.
Are you letting it bother you? Yes.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
DARRIN: Sam, do you know what's happened? Sweetheart, you're shouting.
I know I'm shouting, but not as loud as Larry was shouting.
Norton called a few minutes ago and canceled our meeting this afternoon.
Yes, I know.
Mrs.
Norton was just here.
He told Larry about Esmeralda and her hocus-pocus and he pulled the account.
Sweetheart, Esmeralda didn't mean I know she didn't mean to, but the point is, why can't she keep her magic to herself? It isn't the magic, it's [.]
Uh, sweetheart, I think you've just said the magic word.
What's that? Magic.
Hm? Uh, trust me.
I have some preparing to do, and I better hurry.
[.]
Hi.
Hi.
Been shopping? After you called, I went out and got these simple magic tricks.
Voilà.
I'm planning a party for tomorrow.
Why not? We have a lot to celebrate.
It's for Tabitha and Adam.
And Ralphie.
And Mr.
and Mrs.
Norton.
And Larry Tate.
Why? We're having ice cream and cake, and martinis.
And a magic show with Esmeralda as the magician.
It doesn't matter how simple the tricks are.
Esmeralda will goof them up.
Exactly.
And when Esmeralda puts her special brand of magic on top of these very simple magic tricks, it will simply prove to the Nortons that what Ralphie saw was some very convincing magic.
I suppose there's some logic buried in there someplace.
But how do you expect to get the Nortons here? Well, I'm capable of a little magic myself.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
[.]
Good.
[INTERCOM BUZZES.]
Yes? Mrs.
Stephens? Oh, well, put her on.
Oh, hi, Sam.
I'm right in the middle of a big conference, so if you could make it brief.
A party for Tabitha? Well, that's a hard one to turn down.
Mr.
Norton will be there.
So tell Tabitha to expect her Uncle Larry.
Bye.
[.]
[DIALS PHONE.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
What? Are you ready for this? It's Mrs.
Stephens calling to invite Ralphie to a party.
Good, let me tell her off.
Oh, no, you don't.
This is my pleasure.
Mrs.
Stephens.
I'm going to tell you exactly what you can do with your party.
[.]
Of course, we'll be there.
Goodbye.
Bye-bye.
Take Ralphie to party at Stephens' this afternoon.
But you just said that you I know what I just said, but we're going.
You too.
What makes you say that? I don't know what makes me say that.
But you're going.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING.]
Oh, hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Norton.
Come right in and make yourselves comfortable.
Show's about to start.
There'll be ice cream, and cookies, and favors later.
Goody! Hi, Ralphie.
Ralphie.
Mrs.
Norton, Mr.
Norton.
TABITHA: Stop it.
Robert.
It's not nice to punch Tabitha in the stomach.
Where should I punch her? Tabitha, you trade places with Terry.
[.]
All right, here we go.
You all set? All set.
And remember, I'm on my own.
Oh, yeah, we're counting on that.
For my first mysterious illusion, I will take this ordinary metal triangle and Oh! Metal hoop! And, uh, presto! Oh, rats.
Oh, wait a minute, that's not the trick.
Let's just move on.
Oh, yes.
And now a trick that has baffled and entertained the crowned heads of Europe.
You can see that this is perfectly empty.
And this, there's nothing concealed in this, you see? All right.
Presto! [HUMMING NERVOUSLY.]
Oh! I'm such a silly goose! CHILDREN: More, more! More! That's amazing.
How did she do that? How do I know? I don't even know why I'm here.
Why are they applauding? I goofed.
GIRL: More! Now you stop that.
I'll tell you when to applaud.
Get rid of that.
Eat a pickled kumquat, Farewell from a dummy, Enjoyed your stay, But, now, good day, Oh, spell, Be on the money.
Oh I said "money", not "monkey.
" She puts on a pretty good show, eh, Martha? Esmeralda, do something.
Bats in the belfry, Pigs in a poke, Lose that monkey Before I choke.
What happened? She You were changed to a monkey.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Well, that concludes our show.
Okay, kids, there's ice cream and cake in the dining room.
Okay, now, you follow Tabitha.
Run along.
You too, Adam.
Attaboy.
Esmeralda, you certainly put on a convincing magic act.
How did you do that last illusion? Believe me, I wish I knew.
What she means is no magician ever reveals the secrets of the trade.
Of course.
Oh, I can't get over it.
I actually saw a monkey.
So did I.
And so did all the kids.
But we all know that's impossible, don't we, Mrs.
Norton? You know, I almost felt like a monkey.
Would you believe that? [LAUGHS.]
Well, you should've believed Ralphie.
Can you ever forgive me for all those things I said about your Aunt Esmeralda? Now that I can see the kind of tricks she can do, I don't blame Ralphie for believing in witchcraft.
Well Aunt Esmeralda is no ordinary person.
Believe me.
[.]
[.]
Oh, my.
That was the nicest farewell party I ever had.
But, now, it's time to go.
Well, we're gonna miss you.
Yes, things certainly won't be the same with you gone.
Well, thank you, Mr.
Stephens.
After my big success as a magician, oh, I'm so sure of myself.
I mean, I know where I'm going.
Wonderful.
Have a nice trip.
Thank you.
And come back soon.
How about that? A new Esmeralda.
Secure, serene, knows exactly where she's going.
ESMERALDA: Help! Help! [.]
ESMERALDA: Help! Help! I guess I took a wrong turn.
I'm sorry.
Esmeralda, you have nothing to be sorry about.
And now you can settle something I've always wondered about.
Does the light really go out when the door closes? [.]
[.]