The Goldbergs s08e16 Episode Script

1 Back in the '80s, one of the best music videos on MTV was "Take On Me.
" It combined cutting-edge technology and animation that blew my mind.
So, obviously, I decided I had to make my own.
Hi, Adam.
Look at me.
I'm lines.
I said no talking.
Join me in this comic book world.
Look.
The Cabbage Patch.
The Running Man.
The Roger Rabbit.
Stop.
I have to trace all this.
I'm a person! I'm a cartoon.
I'm a person.
I'm a cartoon.
I make life better.
Oh, no! It's the bad guys who are dressed like French Grand Prix racecar drivers for some reason! A-Am I doing this right? I still don't understand why we have to be animated.
No, I do the animation after.
- It's called rotoscoping.
- Does it hurt? Um, that's a wrap on Pops.
Oh, boy.
Poopie! Poopie, I'm still stuck in here.
But I'll get out.
Yay! I made it to your world, and now we can be together forever! Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom - Wow.
- I know, right? I'm sorry I didn't use you for the video, but my mom financed it and demanded the lead and an associate producer credit.
- How long did it take? - Weeks.
But that's mostly because I broke the first rotoscoping equipment when I opened the box too excitedly.
Do you ever notice how different our lives are? Oh, no.
You're finally realizing you're a total smoke show and this is as tall as I'll ever be.
I enjoy your compact frame.
I'm just saying you live a charmed life.
That's ridiculous.
My life is extremely challenging.
Lunch is served.
A feast for my boy king.
Not great timing, Mom.
I'll open your soda.
I know how delicate your little fingies are.
This is not how she usually does it.
True.
Forgot your swirly straw.
Adam has very delicate lips, as I'm sure you and I both know.
What a fun thing we share.
I'm gonna head to work.
Brea, baby, I may have some creature comforts, but I put on my track jackets just like anyone else one arm at a time.
Oh, no.
Are you cold, schmooey? Dammit, Mom.
I'm just proving a point.
But, yes, I am slightly chilly.
Ow.
Just got my thumb stuck.
No biggie.
Okay, I can't take it anymore.
My baby is slightly chilly.
Not in front of my special girl! You heard him, Brea.
Hit the bricks.
Wrong arm! Wrong arm! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was April 7th, 1980-something, and my brother Barry's romance was starting a new chapter.
Ooh! - Hi.
- What's up, un-sexy friends? Please say you weren't making out in the stacks.
That's where knowledge lives.
We ruined so many books and periodicals.
- Yeah, we did.
- And my desire to ever come back here.
Have a relationship if you want, but can you stop constantly rubbing it in my face? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Geoff, you think we're in a relationship? Your hands and lips sure are.
No labels.
See, we can't be boxed in with the conventional ideas about love or romance - or what's appropriate in public.
- No.
Well, I'm gonna label it "time for us to scoot.
" Geoff and I are going camping.
Yeah.
Erica walked in on you massaging Joanne with Wesson oil and called me immediately and said, - "We're driving to the woods.
" - Sounds great.
Speaking of, let's hit the travel books and French on France.
Ooh, I like where your head's at.
- Especially the mouth.
- Mm.
Yeah, that's actually the horror section.
They're going to the right place.
And so Erica and Geoff escaped to the great outdoors.
Listen to those sounds the rushing of a stream, the wind in the trees.
What's up, [bleep.]
-os? [Laughs.]
And the soundtrack to my nightmares.
What the hell are you guys doing here? What do you mean? I said it sounded great.
No, you actually said, "Sounds great.
" That's just how my voice is.
Watch Oh, your hair is so good and not gross at all.
Barry! I saw a bug! Oh! That's why I brought the Wiffle ball bat! Get it.
Oh, man! You are my big, strong Grizzly Adams.
I used to be a Cub Scout until I was dishonorably discharged, so that tracks.
As Geoff and Erica had a wild start to camping, I was determined to prove I wasn't as spoiled as Brea thought.
Great news, everybody.
I'm not rich.
I'm not sure you know what great news is.
No.
I saw my dad's underwear drawer.
It's clearly the remnants of someone without means.
Adam, stop.
So your family has disposable income, and I have a single mom and have to work to buy things.
- I'm okay with it.
- I mean, sure, I have a few extra knickknacks and odds and ends, but I'm not some Scrooge McDuck swimming in gold.
No! That's just leftover Hanukkah gelt! It's foil-covered chocolate! You're eating chocolate for lunch? That's pretty decadent, dude.
I must've grabbed the wrong bag when I was watching TV in the kitchen.
Kitchen TV? Ooh-la-la.
How many televisions do you own? Just a couple.
One in the den, one in the basement.
Don't forget about the one in the computer room.
- You have a computer room? - It's more of an alcove.
Like in the Vatican? It's not just that.
I mean, have you ever had an after-school job? My mom says my main job is to get home safely.
- Do you hear yourself? - Back me up here, fellas.
You guys don't have jobs, do you? I deliver pizzas.
You've be amazed how many people have cat habitats.
Brea, just come over after school and we can watch a movie.
I rented "Brewster's Millions.
" The story of a guy who wastes a bunch of money just so he can get more money to waste? I know the plot, Dave Kim! - Sorry, I can't.
- Why? 'Cause you're mad? No.
Because I have to work.
Was I an out-of-touch, spoiled-rotten kid? Only one way to find out by testing the limits of my cheapest family member.
Dad, can I have a brand-new car? Sure.
Whatever.
Wait.
Are there really no limits to what you'll give me? Sure.
Whatever.
Whatever I want? Like a Pontiac Firebird Trans Am that talks - like KITT in "Knight Rider"? - Sure.
What about a "Miami Vice" speedboat? - Whatever.
- What about a to-scale exact replica of Optimus Prime's blue and red semi-truck? What? Get away from me! I'm trying to watch The Weather Channel, and I missed the dew point! Oh, I'm not wildly spoiled.
You're just a horrible, disengaged parent.
Thanks for everything you are, Dad.
Sure, whatever.
There he is.
Everything work out with Brea, kiddo? Yep.
Brea's wrong.
We're not well-off.
Of course we're not.
Sure, we're fortunate-ish, but remember when we didn't have premium cable - for a little while? - No HBO.
Yes.
Tell Brea that.
How about instead of trying to convince Brea that you're not spoiled, why don't you show her by getting a [bleep.]
job? Suggestive language.
Adam can't get a job.
He is just a child.
There's laws against that.
A job would be good for him.
Haven't you benefited from working? I suppose there is a certain satisfaction that comes after a long day of wardening.
I don't like where this is heading.
And you have some pride when you come home.
When you put your feet up, you've earned it.
"Put my feet up"? Me? Ha! Right away, I'm folding laundry and making snackies for this one.
While he plays with the toys I bought him.
I'm your wittle boy angel.
You know what? You should get a job.
There you go.
A step forward.
But if it becomes uncomfortable in any way, Mama Bear will run in and fix it.
And a big honkin' step back.
But we're going back and forth, and that's not nothin'.
As I was wrestling with going to work, Barry and Joanne were getting worked up about wrestling.
It's Randy Savage! That's insane! You sound insane! What are they even arguing about now? I think about which wrestling star is the most jacked? It's Hulk Hogan.
He's as ripped as the shirts he occasionally wears.
I just realized if they stay together, this is gonna be our whole life.
You're right.
Normal couples get a break from annoying in-laws every other holiday, but not us.
Okay, listen up, dopes.
You started dating to annoy us Mission accomplished.
But you're both too emotionally out of control to be together, so you can stop whatever this is.
Whatever this is is way better than whatever that is.
- Excuse me? - She's saying if we're comparing, we're clearly better than you.
Let's end this once and for all.
Whoever makes camp first is the better couple, all right? Not a couple, but hell yeah.
Losers have to cook and clean for the winners.
- Mm-hmm.
- Deal? Guys, let's not do this.
E-Every relationship is a snowflake, - and I think - Deal.
Oh, fun.
Our relaxing camping trip has become some weird couple Olympics.
Indeed it had.
And Erica was determined to win.
But the first event would bring any couple to the brink assembling a tent.
Hey, hon, where's the flashlight? I dunno.
I thought you packed it.
You didn't pack the flashlight? I specifically said, "Make sure you pack it.
" Why would I pack it? You pack our stuff.
It makes no sense.
Doesn't matter.
'Cause we're so in-sync as a couple that we can still assemble this.
Just put the thing in the thingy.
Real helpful, babe.
There! And that's why we're the better Crap.
Oh, hey.
They finally noticed we won.
The good news is you don't have to worry about wolves.
I spread my scent all over this place.
While Erica and Geoff were losing big, I was hoping to win back the respect of my girlfriend.
Look who it is Mr.
Money Bags.
Sorry, sir, the store isn't for sale.
I'm not here as a wealthy patron.
I'm your fellow Krispy Kone employee.
- Really? - I dazzled our manager, Randy, at my interview.
I won't let you down, sir.
I was actually named "most hardworking" at my private theater summer camp.
Just don't come to work high.
There's a guy who knows how to inspire people.
Let's push some cream.
And so I did.
And it turned out my first day at work was a real day at work.
Let's go, let's go.
Move it.
It was a long day, but we made it.
Adam, our shift is another five hours.
Uh, those scoops are coming out of your paycheck, slick.
Now get a mop.
Some kid hurled what I hope is a rainbow gumball on the display case.
Balls! Gum balls.
On the heels of my first shift at the local creamery, I was ready to relate to my working-stiff friends.
Mind if I sit? My dogs are barking.
Long shift at the ol' factory.
You know, like a character in a Bruce Springsteen song.
Don't you just put gummy bears on soft serve? Sometimes.
But payday can't come soon enough, amirite? Management's the worst, amirite? Minimum wage is a maximum bummer, amirite? Turns out my blue collar was not a good color on me.
I don't get it.
First you said we couldn't relate because I didn't have a job, but now I have one and that's still not right.
That's because you're acting like working is just some big joke.
Where'd you even get that mechanic's shirt? This is from when I portrayed Louis DiMucci in "Grease 2.
" The school paper called my performance "vaguely offensive.
" See what I mean? Working to you is putting on a costume and pretending to be someone you're not.
I need my paycheck.
You clearly don't.
This job isn't doing what it was supposed to do.
You mean building character and teaching you the value of work? Proving to Brea I'm not spoiled.
And I really hate it.
My hands are always cold and sticky.
Maybe I should quit.
You can't do that.
You're right.
The optics would be terrible.
There's gotta be another way out.
Ready for a hilarious story? Remember last week when I had Stanley fired for being a lazy butcher? Well, look at this razor-thin salami.
Hmm? The new guy is the real deal.
In that moment, I realized I had a choice.
I could work harder to prove to my girlfriend the kind of man I was, or Mama? My boss, Randy, is not a nice man.
What are these horrible words? Tell me everything.
For starters, he tells me when to be there and what to do.
- Who does he think he is? - His boss? And he told me my ice cream clown cake was bad.
Oh, no.
Randy told me to throw it in the trash at my house so it doesn't haunt the store.
Somebody needs to tell Randy that you have a unique perspective and once-in-a-generation talent.
This is a huge mistake, Adam.
Are you eating the cake? Well, it's ice cream.
While Pops was digging into a frozen treat, the couples camping competition was just heating up.
Well, I hope you guys got that Yoo-hoo bottle I hucked at those kids kayaking.
Oh, you're such a good person, girl.
They're just jealous they clearly don't have what we have.
- Pre-diabetes? - This is bullcrap.
You're two idiots who barely know each other.
All I know is our tongues are in sync, and so are our souls.
Enough spicy talk! We're gonna end this once and for all.
The game is which couple knows each other better.
Loser makes dinner.
All I'm gonna cook is a platter of your defeat.
Oh, well, speaking of, first challenge Joanne, what's Barry's favorite food? Um he always has sauce on his face, so pizza.
Oh, God, no.
It's calzones.
We are strangers.
Babe, a calzone is basically just a folded-up pizza.
I knew we were soul twins.
Same question back to you.
Easy.
Spaghetti.
Wrong.
It's chicken pot pie.
No way.
He orders spaghetti whenever we go out.
That's true, but it's not my favorite.
What? Then why would you get something you don't even like? 'Cause I know it's your second favorite, so I want to make sure you can have a little.
Okay, question two What instrument did Geoff play as a kid? Saxophone.
Booya.
Boo-nah.
Geoff picked that up when he was a teenager.
Before that, he was a symphonic cellist.
Geoff, you never played cello.
Oh, but he had.
Oh, God.
The entire time I thought music was my thing, it was really yours? It's fine.
Cello can't compare to the love of a woman.
Even though its evocative curves do remind me of one.
This is super upsetting! It's not like I kissed it or danced with it or anything! Not that.
That you let me railroad you and gave up something you love.
- I don't want that.
- That was ages ago.
I don't do that stuff anymore.
I'm assertive now.
Which is how you're suggesting I should be, right? While Erica was coming to a realization about Geoff, I was waiting for my mom to come in and rescue me from the workforce.
Wow.
You're still here.
Frankly, I thought you'd quit by now.
Me? Come on.
I see things through to the end.
In fact, ice cream scooping might be my life.
Well, I'm sorry about earlier.
You trying is pretty cool.
Wait a minute.
It was working.
Brea respected me.
Maybe I didn't have to quit.
Oh, fudge me.
Where's this Randy fella? - Can I help you? - No.
But I can help you.
Rule number one never tell my schmoopaloo what to do.
That'd be a whole lot easier if I knew what a schmoopaloo is.
- She means him.
- Rule number two no physical labor.
No lifting, mopping, or scooping.
That's pretty much the whole gig.
Rule number three you will double his salary and let him work from home on Tuesdays.
Or I have a better solution.
Adam, you're super fired.
No! I fire you! Okay, Mom! I think I got it from here.
Good for you, honey.
Oh.
You know, for a new manager, you are showing great leadership.
You're lucky to have this one, Brea.
It's not what it looks like.
It looks like you got your mom to come in here and get you fired, because you were too chicken to quit.
Well, that's only most of it.
Brea, I need you to cover Adam's shift on Saturday.
But she has her cousin's wedding on Saturday.
She asked off weeks ago.
That's not fair.
A lot of things in life aren't fair, but I guess you wouldn't know about that.
I had lost my job and my girlfriend's respect, but for my mom, it was a big win.
There's my brave boy.
Come and sit.
I made pancake dippers for dinner to celebrate your early retirement.
Oy vey.
Just stop, okay? Because of you, my whole life, I've wanted for nothing.
I've never known hunger or pain or disappointment of any kind.
Oh, baby, that's the best thanks a mama could have.
Gah! How can you just sit there? Talk to your daughter, dammit.
Thing is, kiddo, she's not wrong this time.
You are.
What in God's name are you talking about? Hey, you didn't like working hard, so you took the easy way out.
'Course Brea doesn't like that.
Frankly, I don't either.
Pops' disappointment was a rude awakening.
And Erica was about to get a wake-up call of her own.
Geoff? Ow! What are you doing? I have a huge paper due Monday.
Wait, you had work to do this weekend? - Why didn't you tell me? - I did, but you were so determined to go camping that you didn't hear me.
- And it's fine.
- It doesn't seem fine.
And I think you're about to burn your Dammit! Well, it would have been fine if I could have counted on you to bring the flashlight! Dudes, we left the city to get away from this racket! Your fighting is keeping us up! - We're not fighting.
- Except we definitely are.
Now they're fighting about if they're fighting.
Make it stop.
Oh, my God.
I just realized.
This could be our whole life.
We'll never get a break from these two since we're double sibling couples.
Wait, you just said we were a couple.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
I-I meant - I liked it.
- You did? I mean, seeing how broken Geoff and Erica are makes me want to honor this beautiful, mostly physical thing between us.
So happy for you.
Now can everyone just leave me alone so I can finish this paper that's worth half my grade? It's not their fault that you agreed to a camping trip when you clearly should have just stayed home.
Now I can officially say it We're the better couple.
Honestly, it's not that hard to be a better couple than we are right now.
Are you kidding me? I do everything for you.
Everything! And you clearly resent me for it.
Well Babe, we have like four extra flashlights.
That's too many.
After taking the easy way out by using my mom to get me fired, I had a lot of hard work to do.
Hey.
Hey yourself.
Look, if you're here to say sorry, you can save it.
I-I'm not.
I'm just here to cover your shift.
What are you talking about? I convinced Randy to give me my job back.
I apologized for siccing my mom on him.
I detailed his van.
Did you know there are a lot of other nudie mags besides "Playboy"? I-I don't want to know.
- I thought you hated this job.
- I do.
But I love you.
I admit it I'm spoiled.
I don't have a worry in the world.
Except one big one that you would think less of me for not seeing that life isn't as easy for you.
Dammit.
What? That's gonna make it a lot harder to stay angry at you.
That's good.
'Cause this is just the beginning.
I never want you to feel like I don't understand you again.
Thanks, Adam.
Sometimes, it's not just about loving someone.
It's about understanding what they truly need.
Hey.
About last night I'm really sorry.
Wait, you're crying? Yeah.
Because I knew that you were gonna try to make me feel better.
And that's not what you wanted? What I want is for you to stop thinking about what I want.
You're always so kind and unselfish and forgiving.
Yeah, sure, I'm the worst.
That's not what I'm saying.
I used to think it was the sweetest thing how you'd do anything for me.
Even give up the things that you love.
That's because the thing I love the most is you.
And I love you, too, more than anything, but I can't be the reason that you eat spaghetti forever.
Or change everything you are for me.
So what are you saying? I'm saying you need to find out who you are again.
Without me.
Wait, you're you're breaking up with me? Not a breakup.
A break.
We don't have to put a label on it.
This is coming out of nowhere.
Is it? You didn't go to study in Spain because of me, and you moved to the dorms because you wanted a freshman experience, and we still spend every second together.
Yeah, that's because I want to spend time with you.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But there is.
One day, years from now, you are gonna wake up and resent me for everything that you've given up.
And as much as you love me now, you are gonna hate me then.
I can't believe you're doing this.
I'm not trying to hurt you.
But I think we have to.
Does this make any sense at all? It doesn't.
But I guess this is just one more thing you want, so, like always, I'll give it to you.
Love is not always easy.
In fact, most of the time, it takes work.
When you're in sync, there's nothing better.
Yeah, nice.
But when you're not, there is nothing worse.
A-squibbidy bee, a-squibbidy boo! Who you gonna telephone? The Ghost Fellas.
Some women like a sensitive man.
Usually, people just pretend to listen to me and then do whatever they want.
All the magic you need is right in here.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back and get into my mentally unstable character.
Now come here and give me a hug.
If you just believe in yourself like I do, you can't lose.