All In The Family s08e17 Episode Script
Aunt Iola's Visit
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Ma, this is delicious! Superb.
You are a wonderful cook, Edith.
Thank you, Gloria.
Thank you, Mike.
Thank you, Aunt Iola.
Aren't you gonna say anything, Archie? ( belches ) Thank you, Archie.
Yeah.
Ah, Daddy Ow! Don't pull hairs out of the back of your father's hand.
Don't never do that no more! You mean, "Don't ever do that again.
" When are you going to learn to speak English? When I visit England.
And during the last two weeks of your visit, I was thinking about giving up home, business and family and runnin' over there-- fag country or no.
Please, let's not have no arg--I mean, any arguments on Aunt Iola's last night.
I want to propose a toast.
Oh, let me.
To Iola, my favorite aunt and the perfect houseguest.
ALL: To Iola! GLORIA: We love you! Oh, thank you, thank you.
I just know I'm not going to enjoy the next two weeks at Cousin Sidney's half as much as I've enjoyed these last two weeks with you.
It's been such a pleasure seeing sweet Gloria, darling Mike, cute little Joey, and dear Edith.
Oh.
And? That's all.
I'll clear the table.
I'll wash, Ma.
What can I do? Oh, nothing.
You relax.
You got a long bus ride ahead of you.
What are you gonna do, sit there like a lump? In my own house, Iola, I don't never have to do nothin'.
You mean, you never have to do anything.
You don't use a double negative.
Why don't you tell that to the guy that wrote No, No, Nanette.
I seem to have lost something.
One of my knitting needles.
I think I found it for ya, Iola.
Here.
Aunt Iola, I made ya a nice snack for the bus.
Oh, thank you.
I'll put it in here.
Auntie Iola, I found this book in the kitchen.
Is it yours? Sex After Sixty.
Yes.
Yes, dear.
Is it any good? It's terrific.
The book isn't bad, either.
There you go.
( laughing ) You're such a caution! ( laughing ) Yeah, yeah sex after sixty.
I didn't think that you was interested in science fiction, Iola.
After sixty, those are close encounters of the best kind.
It's getting late.
I'd better finish my packing.
Shouldn't you call me a cab, Edith? I know what I'd like to call her.
No, it ain't necessary.
See, Archie's gonna take you to the bus.
He borrowed Mr.
Munson's cab.
Oh, Archie, she's such a nice woman.
Why can't you like her? 'Cause I like my privacy! Well, you've been private.
She's had her own room.
I never knew when she'd come poppin' outta there.
Maybe I like to run around the house in my drawers.
Maybe I like to run around the house without my drawers.
You never done that in your life.
Well, maybe lately I got the urge to do that! And with her here, I felt inhabited! The Reader's Digest says that the reason some people don't like old people is because they remind them that they're gonna be old someday.
Well, for once the Reader's Digest is right.
But I don't need Iola to remind me that I'm gettin' old.
I mean, I can see that with all my gray hairs.
Which are all over me now.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm gonna miss Aunt Iola.
She's been a big help to me.
Why, she made her bed every day.
She cleaned her room.
And she went shoppin' with me.
All right.
She showed me how to pick out a ripe pineapple.
All right.
You know those green things on the top? Well, if you can pull one out real easy, that means it's ripe.
All right.
But if it's hard to pull out, then it ain't ripe.
Old Mr.
Bellini got so mad at me down at Ferguson's Market, he didn't like me pulling 'em out, and then they'd get on the floor and he has to sweep 'em all up.
He thinks I'm ruining the pineapple, but I said to him, I says, "If you pull it out real easy, that means it's ripe, "but if it's hard to pull out, "well, that means it ain't ripe.
" He oughta teach that to his customers.
Aunt Iola taught me that.
Just because she's old don't mean she ain't useful.
You're talkin' to the dead, Edith.
Archie, did she ever do anything mean to you? She was the one who said you shouldn't marry me! Oh, she ain't the only one that said that.
She's the one I heard telling your mother that! Are you sure it wasn't my mother telling her? I know what I remember.
She wanted you to marry that stuck-up, lace curtain Irish donkey Paddy O'Rourke.
He was never stuck up.
Oh, yes he was, and so was his whole damn family.
They was the kind of people that keep fruit in the house even if nobody was sick.
I'm glad I married you, Archie.
Fruit ain't everything.
Listen, now that we're alone, I wanna-- ( phone rings ) I'll get that.
I'll get that, damnit! Conversatin' with the wife and the damn phone starts to ring! Hello.
This is a recorded announcement.
When you hear the tone signal, open your livin' room window and jump out.
( raspberry ) Do that! Hello? Oh, hello, Sidney.
Sidney?! It's Cousin Sidney.
Ahh! Oh, he didn't mean it.
The hell I didn't! Shh! No, she ain't left yet.
She's leaving in about an hour.
Or less, we hope.
Her bus gets in at-- Oh, my, that's terrible! Uh-oh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Uh-oh.
Tell her to take care of herself.
Oh, don't worry, we'll think of something.
I washed the dishes, Ma.
Who was that? That was Cousin Sidney.
What's up? His wife has to have her appendix taken out.
She had that done two years ago! I never heard of a wife with a second appendix! This is his second wife.
Oh.
That don't matter to me.
You call Sidney, you tell Sidney we're puttin' Iola on the bus, we're shippin' her off to him as per schedule.
But she can't go where she ain't wanted.
She come here, didn't she? No, she's just gotta stay here for another two weeks, and then she goes to Emily.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, Edith.
Why can't she go Emily now? Because Emily is in Hawaii with her husband, on vacation.
Fine! Let her go down to Hawaii and show them two how to pick the green things out of pineapples! Daddy, I'm ashamed of you.
Ahhh! You twisted your father's assiotic nerve here! Don't you never pinch your father in his-- in the living room! Get away, Edith.
Let me sit down.
You know, in China, old people are the most honored in the family.
Here we just sweep them under the rug.
Don't kid yourself.
Chinks do that same thing.
They ain't got rugs there, so they sweep 'em under the rice paddies.
You know, Arch, you are truly a man of no compassion.
Get off sex! Get off sex! But what are we gonna do, Archie? It's your family, Edith, figure it out.
Call up one of the other relatives and get 'em to take her on! That don't seem right with an extra room up there.
I don't wanna discuss this thing no more.
And what the hell are you two lookin' at? Don't look at me, don't say nothin', don't butt in, you ain't wanted here! Go on home to your own home, I hear the baby cryin'.
Fine.
Fine.
Good-bye.
Can I just say one thing to you, though? If it don't take too long.
Why is that you can never-- Too long.
Edith, get on the phone here.
Call your ( applause ) Yeah.
Yeah, Helen.
Well, I'm sorry, too.
Well, I-I hope you feel better.
Yeah.
All right, goodbye.
Ohh.
Well, Helen.
can't take Aunt Iola neither.
Can't take Aunt Iola neither.
Well, we're runnin' out of relatives here.
What's Helen's alibi? High blood pressure.
High blood pressure.
And Louie's home on sick leave.
Sick?! The healthiest glassblower in Moline, Illinois? I know, but you see, the man working next to him told him a joke, and Louie started laughingso hard that he got an attack of hiccups, and before they could get to him, he inhaled three little swans.
It ain't just that your family lies, Edith, but they lie so damn bad.
Come on, let's look up some more.
What about your nephew Fat Freddie from Philadelphia? Here's his number.
Area code 215-- Archie! That was his funeral we went to last spring! Oh, yeah, I remember that.
Al the flags and guns.
Oh, what a bunch, your family.
Sidney's old lady under the knife Yeah, and Emily on vacation in Hawaii.
Which means drunk on the beach once again.
Helen begging off with high pressure Louie waiting for three little swans to pass And Fat Freddie in the ground under Philadelphia.
I don't miss him, but at least I know he ain't lyin' no more.
Well, none of the relatives are gonna take her.
Well, geez, I coulda told you the same thing! That's your family! Geez! They remind me of weasels-- dumb, but shifty.
Well, we only got one choice, then-- either she goes to the Sunshine Home, or she stays here.
That's two choices.
No, 'cause she can't stay here.
Archie, the Sunshine Home ain't got no room.
While we're arguing here, a vacancy might be opening up right now, courtesy of the Grim Creeper.
And some guy just like me might be gettin' ready to ram some other old party in there.
So get on the phone and call 'em up, will you? Call them up, Edith! Give me one good reason why we can't take that sweet old lady into our home.
A stroke I may have! Get on the phone and call 'em! It's only the mercy of the Lord I ain't had a stroke already! And a coronary thrombonus in the bargain! What's going on? What's going on, Iola, is bad news, see? It's Sidney.
He can't take you.
Oh.
And none of the other relatives we called will take you neither.
Well, you and me, we're alike in one way-- the two of us are about as popular with that side of the family there as baked beans on a bus trip.
All right, yeah.
We'll be over.
Thank you.
Bye.
Well, guess what? What? Old Mr.
Bloomerer went west this morning.
Don't say "went west"-- he died.
No, he eloped to Albuquerque with his massage nurse.
What's a massage nurse? A hooker with a thermometer.
Hey, Ma.
Gloria sent me over for her pot.
I left it on the kitchen table.
See, Mr.
Bloomerer used to live at the Sunshine Home, but now that he eloped, you can have his room.
At the Sunshine Home? Mm-hmm.
Why should I be in an old folks home? Because you're an old folk.
It ain't bad, Aunt Iola.
It's a nice room.
And I'm there three days a week.
I can see that you get the best care.
Care? What do I need with care? I can take care of myself.
Arch, can I talk to you for a second? Don't you see I'm busy here, meathead? I want to talk to you! Oh, this guy.
Keep sellin', Edith, keep sellin' here.
What do you want? Get in there.
Can I talk to you for a second? What the hell you come and bother me for? We're in the middle of a deep problem over here.
We're trying to talk the old lady into going to the Sunshine Home.
Yeah, I know.
Why? Why? Arch, she is Ma's aunt, Ma loves her.
You got an extra room upstairs, why can't you just take her for a couple of weeks? I can't think of anything more rotten than sending that lady to a home! You don't know what the hell you're talking about here! I ain't doin' nothin' rotten! Sit down, I want to tell you something.
I know a hell of a lot more about old people than you know.
I see more of them, and I'll tell you this: Old people like to live with other old people.
Oh, come on.
Don't give me a sour face! They do! They live all together in a home there.
They talk about the same things, see? And they like that.
They come down in the morning, you know? So they talk about prune juice versus bran, you know? I mean, who's regular, who ain't regular.
Is denture paste better than denture glue.
They talk about parts that they ain't got no more.
They talk about parts they got that ain't workin' no more.
They like that, see? They have a ball there.
Arch, Iola isn't like that.
She is active.
She has a clear mind.
She is capable of doing anything that anybody else can do.
Oh, sure, but you gotta time her with a calendar, 'cause a watch won't help ya.
All right, so maybe she's a little slow, but she still gets things done.
What you're talkin' about is your idea of old age.
You know something? I think you're afraid of old age.
Get the hell outta here! Why should I be afraid of old age?! Because you're approaching it.
I ain't approaching nothin'! What are you talking about? I got a whole lot of life left in me! Hey, listen! If I was to give up cigars and booze, I bet I could make it another 40 years there.
Maybe 50, if I was to give upthis here.
"This here" doesn't shorten your life.
You'd like to think that, because if it did, you got about ten minutes more to live.
Why do I always think I'm gonna see a light at the end of the tunnel with you? I'm goin' home.
Wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.
As long as you're over here, I'm gonna ask you to do me a big favor.
I want you to go in there and help Edith talk the old lady into the Sunshine Home.
( snorts ) She likes you, she'll listen to you.
I'm not gonna do that because I don't think that's where she should be! I'm askin' a favor! I'm tellin' you no! Wait a minute.
After all I done for you, you wouldn't-- I want to go home and bring this pot to Gloria.
Hold it, hold it.
Can I say one thing to you? If it doesn't take too long.
Never in my 53 years-- Too long! You know, your meatheaded son-in-law just slammed the door at me there.
Well, you did it to him.
Listen, Edith when I slam my door in his face, that's one thing, but when he slams my door in my face, that's something else! That's vulgar! Vulgar! Vulgar! He's a vulgar guy! Archie, listen to me.
Aunt Iola ain't no burden.
She's the perfect guest-- What are you talking about, a perfect guest? Does a perfect guest take over every conversation at the table? Does a perfect guest yell at me for smokin' cigars? Does a perfect guest always try to correct my English? Does a perfect guest every morning mount an unexpected invasion on the toilet up there and come in and catch me with my defenses down?! Archie, when we was first married, Aunt Iola let us stay in her house, and she had to put up with us.
But Edith, we wasn't old.
Do you remember when she took Gloria for a whole week when I had the flu? But what the hell trouble was that, a little baby? And she loaned us $100 when you was laid off so we could pay the oil bill.
I paid her back! Oh, no.
What?! Only $25 of it.
Remember this, Edith-- $25 in them days was worth about $200 today! We want to talk to you.
Here they are, the floozy and the phony.
Ma, we have decided that we want Aunt Iola to come stay with us.
Yeah.
Oh, that's very sweet of you, but I don't think that would be right.
I mean, she's my relative.
Well, she ain't mine.
I feel very close to her here.
What are you talking about, close? She'd just be across the alley there.
You could run over there and hug her three times a day, four if you want to.
She's lively and she's alert, and we feel that she would be a great influence on Joey, and Joey just adores her.
Sure, sure, she's learn the baby good English and keep him off cigars.
Ma, I think she'd like it with us.
I think she oughta be here.
But Ma, we got a place for her, and she doesn't get along with Archie ( all talking ) IOLA: Wait a minute! Hold it! Stifle! Stifle.
Geez, you wanna sit in my chair, too? It's very flattering that you're all fighting over me, but I've made up my mind.
I'm going to stay with Herbert.
That's a pretty good idea, that.
I never thought of her staying with Herbert.
Who the hell is Herbert? Is he a relative? No, he's better than a relative.
He's my friend.
Whenever I'm between relatives, and I have a hole in my schedule, then I'm always welcome there.
And I love him for that.
You mean you and Herbert-- Edith, uh this here, ya know.
Why not? He's the one that gave me this book.
He gave you Sex After Sixty? Yes--and before sixty, too.
( Gloria laughs ) Aunt Iola, you're terrific.
I know.
So, Archie, let's get me to the bus station so I can catch that Greyhound to Buffalo.
Some people don't understand that I'm welcome practically every place I go.
And not because they feel sorry for me, but because they love a real live wire.
And that's me.
So, good-bye, children.
Bye, Aunt Iola.
Good-bye, Aunt Iola, I'm gonna miss you.
Bye, Aunt Iola, have a nice trip.
I'm off! Off I'm gonna shuffle, shuffle off to Buffalo Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Hey, uh(clears throat) Iola, I-- Wait a minute, lemme get down here.
I--I gotta ask ya.
Was you kiddin' around in there, or you really got this guy Herbert up in Buffalo? Of course I do.
'Cause, you know, if you really didn't have nobody and no place to go to, I'd have to make you come back in and stay with us.
Oh, thank you, Archie.
That's sweet.
But there really is a Herbert.
Yeah? Well, I'll say one thing for you, Iola-- There ain't no flies on ya.
And if it should happen that I wind up like you-- you know, on my own-- I'd like to be just as jazzy as you.
Then you better start changin' your ways, Archie, because if you don't, you might end up without a Herbert to go to.
Well--well, see, I'd want it to be an Alice or a Dorothy or somethin'.
I mean, I wouldn't have no use for a Herbert, you know what I mean? All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
You are a wonderful cook, Edith.
Thank you, Gloria.
Thank you, Mike.
Thank you, Aunt Iola.
Aren't you gonna say anything, Archie? ( belches ) Thank you, Archie.
Yeah.
Ah, Daddy Ow! Don't pull hairs out of the back of your father's hand.
Don't never do that no more! You mean, "Don't ever do that again.
" When are you going to learn to speak English? When I visit England.
And during the last two weeks of your visit, I was thinking about giving up home, business and family and runnin' over there-- fag country or no.
Please, let's not have no arg--I mean, any arguments on Aunt Iola's last night.
I want to propose a toast.
Oh, let me.
To Iola, my favorite aunt and the perfect houseguest.
ALL: To Iola! GLORIA: We love you! Oh, thank you, thank you.
I just know I'm not going to enjoy the next two weeks at Cousin Sidney's half as much as I've enjoyed these last two weeks with you.
It's been such a pleasure seeing sweet Gloria, darling Mike, cute little Joey, and dear Edith.
Oh.
And? That's all.
I'll clear the table.
I'll wash, Ma.
What can I do? Oh, nothing.
You relax.
You got a long bus ride ahead of you.
What are you gonna do, sit there like a lump? In my own house, Iola, I don't never have to do nothin'.
You mean, you never have to do anything.
You don't use a double negative.
Why don't you tell that to the guy that wrote No, No, Nanette.
I seem to have lost something.
One of my knitting needles.
I think I found it for ya, Iola.
Here.
Aunt Iola, I made ya a nice snack for the bus.
Oh, thank you.
I'll put it in here.
Auntie Iola, I found this book in the kitchen.
Is it yours? Sex After Sixty.
Yes.
Yes, dear.
Is it any good? It's terrific.
The book isn't bad, either.
There you go.
( laughing ) You're such a caution! ( laughing ) Yeah, yeah sex after sixty.
I didn't think that you was interested in science fiction, Iola.
After sixty, those are close encounters of the best kind.
It's getting late.
I'd better finish my packing.
Shouldn't you call me a cab, Edith? I know what I'd like to call her.
No, it ain't necessary.
See, Archie's gonna take you to the bus.
He borrowed Mr.
Munson's cab.
Oh, Archie, she's such a nice woman.
Why can't you like her? 'Cause I like my privacy! Well, you've been private.
She's had her own room.
I never knew when she'd come poppin' outta there.
Maybe I like to run around the house in my drawers.
Maybe I like to run around the house without my drawers.
You never done that in your life.
Well, maybe lately I got the urge to do that! And with her here, I felt inhabited! The Reader's Digest says that the reason some people don't like old people is because they remind them that they're gonna be old someday.
Well, for once the Reader's Digest is right.
But I don't need Iola to remind me that I'm gettin' old.
I mean, I can see that with all my gray hairs.
Which are all over me now.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm gonna miss Aunt Iola.
She's been a big help to me.
Why, she made her bed every day.
She cleaned her room.
And she went shoppin' with me.
All right.
She showed me how to pick out a ripe pineapple.
All right.
You know those green things on the top? Well, if you can pull one out real easy, that means it's ripe.
All right.
But if it's hard to pull out, then it ain't ripe.
Old Mr.
Bellini got so mad at me down at Ferguson's Market, he didn't like me pulling 'em out, and then they'd get on the floor and he has to sweep 'em all up.
He thinks I'm ruining the pineapple, but I said to him, I says, "If you pull it out real easy, that means it's ripe, "but if it's hard to pull out, "well, that means it ain't ripe.
" He oughta teach that to his customers.
Aunt Iola taught me that.
Just because she's old don't mean she ain't useful.
You're talkin' to the dead, Edith.
Archie, did she ever do anything mean to you? She was the one who said you shouldn't marry me! Oh, she ain't the only one that said that.
She's the one I heard telling your mother that! Are you sure it wasn't my mother telling her? I know what I remember.
She wanted you to marry that stuck-up, lace curtain Irish donkey Paddy O'Rourke.
He was never stuck up.
Oh, yes he was, and so was his whole damn family.
They was the kind of people that keep fruit in the house even if nobody was sick.
I'm glad I married you, Archie.
Fruit ain't everything.
Listen, now that we're alone, I wanna-- ( phone rings ) I'll get that.
I'll get that, damnit! Conversatin' with the wife and the damn phone starts to ring! Hello.
This is a recorded announcement.
When you hear the tone signal, open your livin' room window and jump out.
( raspberry ) Do that! Hello? Oh, hello, Sidney.
Sidney?! It's Cousin Sidney.
Ahh! Oh, he didn't mean it.
The hell I didn't! Shh! No, she ain't left yet.
She's leaving in about an hour.
Or less, we hope.
Her bus gets in at-- Oh, my, that's terrible! Uh-oh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Uh-oh.
Tell her to take care of herself.
Oh, don't worry, we'll think of something.
I washed the dishes, Ma.
Who was that? That was Cousin Sidney.
What's up? His wife has to have her appendix taken out.
She had that done two years ago! I never heard of a wife with a second appendix! This is his second wife.
Oh.
That don't matter to me.
You call Sidney, you tell Sidney we're puttin' Iola on the bus, we're shippin' her off to him as per schedule.
But she can't go where she ain't wanted.
She come here, didn't she? No, she's just gotta stay here for another two weeks, and then she goes to Emily.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, Edith.
Why can't she go Emily now? Because Emily is in Hawaii with her husband, on vacation.
Fine! Let her go down to Hawaii and show them two how to pick the green things out of pineapples! Daddy, I'm ashamed of you.
Ahhh! You twisted your father's assiotic nerve here! Don't you never pinch your father in his-- in the living room! Get away, Edith.
Let me sit down.
You know, in China, old people are the most honored in the family.
Here we just sweep them under the rug.
Don't kid yourself.
Chinks do that same thing.
They ain't got rugs there, so they sweep 'em under the rice paddies.
You know, Arch, you are truly a man of no compassion.
Get off sex! Get off sex! But what are we gonna do, Archie? It's your family, Edith, figure it out.
Call up one of the other relatives and get 'em to take her on! That don't seem right with an extra room up there.
I don't wanna discuss this thing no more.
And what the hell are you two lookin' at? Don't look at me, don't say nothin', don't butt in, you ain't wanted here! Go on home to your own home, I hear the baby cryin'.
Fine.
Fine.
Good-bye.
Can I just say one thing to you, though? If it don't take too long.
Why is that you can never-- Too long.
Edith, get on the phone here.
Call your ( applause ) Yeah.
Yeah, Helen.
Well, I'm sorry, too.
Well, I-I hope you feel better.
Yeah.
All right, goodbye.
Ohh.
Well, Helen.
can't take Aunt Iola neither.
Can't take Aunt Iola neither.
Well, we're runnin' out of relatives here.
What's Helen's alibi? High blood pressure.
High blood pressure.
And Louie's home on sick leave.
Sick?! The healthiest glassblower in Moline, Illinois? I know, but you see, the man working next to him told him a joke, and Louie started laughingso hard that he got an attack of hiccups, and before they could get to him, he inhaled three little swans.
It ain't just that your family lies, Edith, but they lie so damn bad.
Come on, let's look up some more.
What about your nephew Fat Freddie from Philadelphia? Here's his number.
Area code 215-- Archie! That was his funeral we went to last spring! Oh, yeah, I remember that.
Al the flags and guns.
Oh, what a bunch, your family.
Sidney's old lady under the knife Yeah, and Emily on vacation in Hawaii.
Which means drunk on the beach once again.
Helen begging off with high pressure Louie waiting for three little swans to pass And Fat Freddie in the ground under Philadelphia.
I don't miss him, but at least I know he ain't lyin' no more.
Well, none of the relatives are gonna take her.
Well, geez, I coulda told you the same thing! That's your family! Geez! They remind me of weasels-- dumb, but shifty.
Well, we only got one choice, then-- either she goes to the Sunshine Home, or she stays here.
That's two choices.
No, 'cause she can't stay here.
Archie, the Sunshine Home ain't got no room.
While we're arguing here, a vacancy might be opening up right now, courtesy of the Grim Creeper.
And some guy just like me might be gettin' ready to ram some other old party in there.
So get on the phone and call 'em up, will you? Call them up, Edith! Give me one good reason why we can't take that sweet old lady into our home.
A stroke I may have! Get on the phone and call 'em! It's only the mercy of the Lord I ain't had a stroke already! And a coronary thrombonus in the bargain! What's going on? What's going on, Iola, is bad news, see? It's Sidney.
He can't take you.
Oh.
And none of the other relatives we called will take you neither.
Well, you and me, we're alike in one way-- the two of us are about as popular with that side of the family there as baked beans on a bus trip.
All right, yeah.
We'll be over.
Thank you.
Bye.
Well, guess what? What? Old Mr.
Bloomerer went west this morning.
Don't say "went west"-- he died.
No, he eloped to Albuquerque with his massage nurse.
What's a massage nurse? A hooker with a thermometer.
Hey, Ma.
Gloria sent me over for her pot.
I left it on the kitchen table.
See, Mr.
Bloomerer used to live at the Sunshine Home, but now that he eloped, you can have his room.
At the Sunshine Home? Mm-hmm.
Why should I be in an old folks home? Because you're an old folk.
It ain't bad, Aunt Iola.
It's a nice room.
And I'm there three days a week.
I can see that you get the best care.
Care? What do I need with care? I can take care of myself.
Arch, can I talk to you for a second? Don't you see I'm busy here, meathead? I want to talk to you! Oh, this guy.
Keep sellin', Edith, keep sellin' here.
What do you want? Get in there.
Can I talk to you for a second? What the hell you come and bother me for? We're in the middle of a deep problem over here.
We're trying to talk the old lady into going to the Sunshine Home.
Yeah, I know.
Why? Why? Arch, she is Ma's aunt, Ma loves her.
You got an extra room upstairs, why can't you just take her for a couple of weeks? I can't think of anything more rotten than sending that lady to a home! You don't know what the hell you're talking about here! I ain't doin' nothin' rotten! Sit down, I want to tell you something.
I know a hell of a lot more about old people than you know.
I see more of them, and I'll tell you this: Old people like to live with other old people.
Oh, come on.
Don't give me a sour face! They do! They live all together in a home there.
They talk about the same things, see? And they like that.
They come down in the morning, you know? So they talk about prune juice versus bran, you know? I mean, who's regular, who ain't regular.
Is denture paste better than denture glue.
They talk about parts that they ain't got no more.
They talk about parts they got that ain't workin' no more.
They like that, see? They have a ball there.
Arch, Iola isn't like that.
She is active.
She has a clear mind.
She is capable of doing anything that anybody else can do.
Oh, sure, but you gotta time her with a calendar, 'cause a watch won't help ya.
All right, so maybe she's a little slow, but she still gets things done.
What you're talkin' about is your idea of old age.
You know something? I think you're afraid of old age.
Get the hell outta here! Why should I be afraid of old age?! Because you're approaching it.
I ain't approaching nothin'! What are you talking about? I got a whole lot of life left in me! Hey, listen! If I was to give up cigars and booze, I bet I could make it another 40 years there.
Maybe 50, if I was to give upthis here.
"This here" doesn't shorten your life.
You'd like to think that, because if it did, you got about ten minutes more to live.
Why do I always think I'm gonna see a light at the end of the tunnel with you? I'm goin' home.
Wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.
As long as you're over here, I'm gonna ask you to do me a big favor.
I want you to go in there and help Edith talk the old lady into the Sunshine Home.
( snorts ) She likes you, she'll listen to you.
I'm not gonna do that because I don't think that's where she should be! I'm askin' a favor! I'm tellin' you no! Wait a minute.
After all I done for you, you wouldn't-- I want to go home and bring this pot to Gloria.
Hold it, hold it.
Can I say one thing to you? If it doesn't take too long.
Never in my 53 years-- Too long! You know, your meatheaded son-in-law just slammed the door at me there.
Well, you did it to him.
Listen, Edith when I slam my door in his face, that's one thing, but when he slams my door in my face, that's something else! That's vulgar! Vulgar! Vulgar! He's a vulgar guy! Archie, listen to me.
Aunt Iola ain't no burden.
She's the perfect guest-- What are you talking about, a perfect guest? Does a perfect guest take over every conversation at the table? Does a perfect guest yell at me for smokin' cigars? Does a perfect guest always try to correct my English? Does a perfect guest every morning mount an unexpected invasion on the toilet up there and come in and catch me with my defenses down?! Archie, when we was first married, Aunt Iola let us stay in her house, and she had to put up with us.
But Edith, we wasn't old.
Do you remember when she took Gloria for a whole week when I had the flu? But what the hell trouble was that, a little baby? And she loaned us $100 when you was laid off so we could pay the oil bill.
I paid her back! Oh, no.
What?! Only $25 of it.
Remember this, Edith-- $25 in them days was worth about $200 today! We want to talk to you.
Here they are, the floozy and the phony.
Ma, we have decided that we want Aunt Iola to come stay with us.
Yeah.
Oh, that's very sweet of you, but I don't think that would be right.
I mean, she's my relative.
Well, she ain't mine.
I feel very close to her here.
What are you talking about, close? She'd just be across the alley there.
You could run over there and hug her three times a day, four if you want to.
She's lively and she's alert, and we feel that she would be a great influence on Joey, and Joey just adores her.
Sure, sure, she's learn the baby good English and keep him off cigars.
Ma, I think she'd like it with us.
I think she oughta be here.
But Ma, we got a place for her, and she doesn't get along with Archie ( all talking ) IOLA: Wait a minute! Hold it! Stifle! Stifle.
Geez, you wanna sit in my chair, too? It's very flattering that you're all fighting over me, but I've made up my mind.
I'm going to stay with Herbert.
That's a pretty good idea, that.
I never thought of her staying with Herbert.
Who the hell is Herbert? Is he a relative? No, he's better than a relative.
He's my friend.
Whenever I'm between relatives, and I have a hole in my schedule, then I'm always welcome there.
And I love him for that.
You mean you and Herbert-- Edith, uh this here, ya know.
Why not? He's the one that gave me this book.
He gave you Sex After Sixty? Yes--and before sixty, too.
( Gloria laughs ) Aunt Iola, you're terrific.
I know.
So, Archie, let's get me to the bus station so I can catch that Greyhound to Buffalo.
Some people don't understand that I'm welcome practically every place I go.
And not because they feel sorry for me, but because they love a real live wire.
And that's me.
So, good-bye, children.
Bye, Aunt Iola.
Good-bye, Aunt Iola, I'm gonna miss you.
Bye, Aunt Iola, have a nice trip.
I'm off! Off I'm gonna shuffle, shuffle off to Buffalo Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Hey, uh(clears throat) Iola, I-- Wait a minute, lemme get down here.
I--I gotta ask ya.
Was you kiddin' around in there, or you really got this guy Herbert up in Buffalo? Of course I do.
'Cause, you know, if you really didn't have nobody and no place to go to, I'd have to make you come back in and stay with us.
Oh, thank you, Archie.
That's sweet.
But there really is a Herbert.
Yeah? Well, I'll say one thing for you, Iola-- There ain't no flies on ya.
And if it should happen that I wind up like you-- you know, on my own-- I'd like to be just as jazzy as you.
Then you better start changin' your ways, Archie, because if you don't, you might end up without a Herbert to go to.
Well--well, see, I'd want it to be an Alice or a Dorothy or somethin'.
I mean, I wouldn't have no use for a Herbert, you know what I mean? All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.