Friends s08e17 Episode Script

Joey? Are you in there? - That's Rachel.
- You have to talk to her.
I can't.
Not after the other night.
It's too weird.
Don't tell her I'm here.
Don't eat that! - Hey! - Hey, Rachel.
Is Joey here? - I don't see him.
You? - No.
Maybe he's in the sugar bowl.
Joey? Nope.
Well, at least you make each other laugh.
- What's up? - I haven't seen him since he said how he, you know I don't know, I think he's avoiding me.
Why is that bagel on the floor? - We were playing a game.
- Was Chandler naked? Sort of like a ring-toss kind of situation? - Sure! - What? No! No! All right, listen.
If you see Joey, will you just tell him that? Tell him I miss him.
- Okay.
Did you hear that? - Yeah.
That naked bagel game? Dude, I don't know.
That's a pretty small hole.
- You've gotta talk to her.
- I can't.
You guys don't know what it's like to get shot down.
I don't know what that's like? Until I was 25, I thought the response to "I love you" was "Oh, crap.
" No rejection? I got shot down at fat camp.
Boy, kids are mean when they're hungry.
So, what do I do? It's Rachel.
You're gonna never talk to her again? It's weird and it's awkward, but you gotta at least try.
Yeah, okay.
I forgot this was on your We didn't play it! The One With the Tea Leaves I'll look at your tea leaves and tell your fortune.
- You read tea leaves? - I've done it for years.
I actually stopped because I was so accurate.
And one of the great joys of life is its wondrous unpredictability, you know? And also, tea tends to give me the trots.
- Okay.
I'm done.
Read mine.
- Okay.
I see a ladder.
Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death.
I'm the head chef.
I can't get promoted.
Who's next? I'm done.
Do mine.
Okay.
Oh! Okay, I see a circle.
Which can either mean you're having a baby or you'll make a scientific discovery! Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.
- What does yours say, Pheebs? - All right.
Wow! Yay! Oh, I'm gonna meet a guy! And really soon! He's gonna be the man of my dreams.
Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night.
Has anyone seen my shirt? It's a button-down, like a faded salmon color? You mean your pink shirt? Faded salmon color? No, I haven't seen your pink shirt.
I must have left it at Mona's.
I knew it! I'm sure you can get another one at Ann Taylor's.
That's my favorite shirt.
I love it.
Ask Mona to give it back.
I don't know.
I could.
We didn't really end things on good terms.
If I went, I'd be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do jump up my own ass and die.
Oh, wait a second, you guys? I've been seeing that guy everywhere I go.
We take the same bus, go to the same bookstore.
Maybe he's the tea guy.
Did you see that? He totally checked you out! And he is so cute! Mine is a picture of the Village People.
What's that mean? Hi.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Tea gives Phoebe the trots! I thought Joey and I would be okay but we don't know how to be together.
- It's tough, but things will improve.
- How do you know? What if it gets worse and worse to the point where we can't be in the same room? I'm not great at the advice.
Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese? Honey, why is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Cat Stevens case? If I can't find the right case, I use the nearest one.
- Where is the Cat Stevens CD? - The James Taylor case.
- Where is that CD? - I'll save you time.
Two hundred CDs, not one of them in the right case.
Okay.
No need to panic.
Deep breaths, everyone.
We'll just have to put the CDs in their right cases.
If we do that, we should come up with some kind of order.
We have to talk this through.
Oh, my God, you have such problems! I feel so terrible for you! All right.
Okay, I'm sorry.
You're both focusing on this uncomfortable thing.
Change the subject.
Get him talking about something else.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Maybe you need his advice on a work problem - I could do that.
- Good.
The Miami Vice soundtrack? Really? They were just giving those away at the store.
In exchange for money.
Hey.
I really don't know what to tell you.
Maybe Joey could help you out with your big work problem.
- What? - Yeah, Joey, she's Rachel's got this big work problem.
It is a head-scratcher.
Know what? If we're gonna make dinner, we're gonna have to leave.
So you have a big work problem? Yeah.
It's, uh Yeah, it's, uh You know, it's nothing.
Okay.
So I think I'm gonna take off.
No, wait, Joey, it is.
It's something.
It's It's my boss.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And, uh And my baby.
My boss wants to buy my baby.
What? Oh, my God! I know, I told you, it's a really big problem! - He wants to buy your baby? - Can you believe that? - That's crazy.
- That's what I told him! - How did this even happen? - Well, I'll tell you.
See, my boss and his wife, they can't have children, so And then when we were at the Christmas party he got drunk and said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby.
" When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby I figured it was about maternity leave.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, that would have been a much simpler problem.
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, it's you.
I see you everywhere.
I'm Jim.
Jim Nelson.
Hi, Jim-Jim Nelson.
I'm Phoebe-Phoebe Buffay.
- We've seen each other a lot lately.
- Yes.
Maybe we'll see each other at dinner tomorrow.
Around 8:00? Well, maybe we will.
Mona? Okay, if I were a salmon shirt, where would I be? I am so sorry I spilled wine all over your shirt.
- It's okay.
- No, it's still wet.
Let me get it out before it sets.
I have something you could wear.
Here.
I don't know if I want to wear a woman's shirt.
- That's a man's shirt.
- Awfully pink.
It's not pink! Honey, we are so meant to be together.
- We both have the Annie soundtrack.
- Honey, both yours.
Hey, great advice on that Joey thing.
- The work problem? - It was perfect.
It felt like he was my friend.
- What problem did you say you have? - Oh, that's not important.
The point is, I think everything's gonna be okay.
May I help you? You think you can just buy my friend's baby? Isn't it funny how we kept meeting? It's as if someone wants us together.
Someone does.
Me.
Witty banter.
Well done.
Good.
- Tell me a little bit about yourself.
- Okay.
I'm a masseuse.
- And I used to work at this place - Do you like to party? I like parties.
You're wild, aren't you? - Yeah, I guess.
A little.
- Ain't no thing.
I'm wild too.
So anyway I've lived in New York, somewhat wildly, I guess for, well, since I was 14.
I'm sorry.
I'm staring.
It's just that you have the most beautiful eyes.
Oh, stop it.
And your breasts! Okay.
Look, you're coming on a little strong.
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
The universe wants us to be together.
Why don't we start over? You can tell me about yourself.
- All right.
- Okay.
I write erotic novels for children.
- What? - They're wildly unpopular.
Oh, my God! Also, you might like to know I have a Ph.
D.
- Wow! You do? - Yep.
A pretty huge All right.
- Hey.
- Joey, honey, listen.
Thanks for talking to me yesterday.
It meant a lot.
Not a problem.
Just so you know that guy won't be bothering you about that baby thing anymore.
- What? - Let's just say I took care of it.
Let's say more.
Don't worry.
I told him, very nicely: "You don't go buying people's babies! So back off!" - What? - What? No, no, no! He doesn't want to buy my baby! I made that up! What? Why? So we would have something to talk about! And you couldn't think of anything else? You said your boss wants to buy your baby? You yelled at my boss! I'll lose my job! What am I gonna do? You could always sell your baby.
I can't believe you brought my boss into it! I'll be fired! - You lied to me! - Well, she told me to! Chandler has two copies of Annie! Oh, my God! - Ross! - Hello! What are you doing? Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.
Morning.
You wanted to see me? Please, come in.
Have a seat.
- Look, Mr.
Zelner - It's best I speak first.
Yeah.
Lee from human resources is here as a witness to our conversation.
Oh, God.
If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby I am sorry.
Okay? Last week, when I asked you when your due date was I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was "due" your baby.
I want to be very clear that I understand that it's your baby and it is not mine to purchase.
Well, as long as we are clear about that.
There it is.
- Not your regular cleaners.
- I know.
That creep goes there.
I had to find a new one.
I have to find a new bank, adult bookstore, grocery store - What? - A new grocery store.
The universe said I'd meet a nice guy.
I got that? When I get up there, I'm gonna kick some ass.
You'll meet someone.
If I can meet a great guy, so can you.
Yeah, we both can.
And we both will.
- You didn't have to come in.
- You kidding? This is where they get out stains.
This is like Disneyland for me.
I'm gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts.
Excuse me.
I think you dropped - Wow! - What? Sorry.
You're just so incredibly beautiful.
Well, I'm sorry about that too.
But what are you gonna do? Don't think I'm crazy, but I was meant to pick this up.
- Do you believe in that kind of thing? - A little.
Now you're talking.
- Want to go for coffee? - I'd love to.
Let me tell my friend.
An ink stain! Can I watch how you get this out? She must have left.
- So? What happened? - It's all gonna be okay.
They're so happy I'm not suing, I got an extra month paid maternity leave.
So long as I understand the money should not be construed as a down payment on this or any other child.
Ralph Lauren is going out of their way to show they're not in the baby-buying business.
- Give us a minute? - Kicking me out of my living room? Yeah.
I'll be in there.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
I was just trying to make things I know.
I know.
It kind of worked.
I don't know about you, but I haven't thought about our thing.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah.
It's kind of been like "us" again, a little bit.
- Yeah, I know.
I've missed that.
- Me too.
I haven't thought about how I put myself out there and said that stuff.
How you didn't feel the same and how it was really awkward.
My gynecologist tried to kill me.
Item J437-A.
Color: winterberry.
Hi, listen.
Come here.
Come I'm so, so sorry about yesterday.
Listen, you don't have to apologize.
I understand why you were there.
- You do? - Yeah.
You still have feelings for me.
To be honest, I still have feelings for you.
I wish we could work out, but we can't.
It's too complicated with you and Rachel and the baby.
I just It just wasn't meant to be.
Oh, God.
You're right.
Ross, we have to be strong.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Can I? To remember you? No.