Shameless s08e17 Episode Script

Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about 'owt, needs to watch their backs.
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high.
Literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.
And now you've got your ConDemNation.
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up! Have we had a national fucking stroke or what? Is revolution a word, or was it never? Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fucks sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak! It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now! Paaaarty! 'I used to go out with this lad in my teens.
'A real pin-up.
Blonde, blue eyed.
'Face of an angel.
'If his timing had been better, and his voice didn't sound like 'a hot water bottle being trod on, 'he could've been a contender, given Gary and Robbie a run for their money.
'Certainly had the looks.
The moves.
He was charm personified.
'Everyone loved him.
Everyone.
But not half as much as me.
'He was everything I'd never had before, 'or since, come to think of it.
'Attentive, considerate, generous, kind.
'Until the night when he didn't take no as no.
' No! 'When I finally plucked up the courage to tell no-one believed me.
'"He wouldn't do something like that.
" 'But he did.
'And it taught me a really valuable lesson.
'Sometimes, devils come dressed as angels.
'And angels come dressed as devils.
'Only problem is sometimes you only find out which is which 'when it's too fuckin' late!' When Jesus Comes around All that's bad goes to ground.
Where there is darkness, I shall bring light.
And where there is hatred, I shall bring love.
Love! Love! All I fucking need.
A McCartney to play against my Lennon.
You have the choice.
Hallelujah! Salvation or damnation You see, one mention of religion and it's got us all arguing, while those cracked twats are peddling their shite and lining their pockets and frightening the lives out of the vulnerable and lonely.
Oh, fucking hell! We're a non-profit making organisation, actually.
Oh, L.
Ron Hubbard! You'll have to forgive him, Father.
I keep telling you, Mimi.
I'm not a priest.
Just one soul wanting to spread a little happiness to another.
Would you be willing to put one up? Anything we can do to help.
That's good to hear.
Bless you, one and all.
What is it you lot are on? Ritalin? What? 'Scuse! We haven't met Jesus.
Jesus O'Toole.
Religious family? Yeah, I was called Bernadette.
You know, until I came out and they realised I weren't a girl.
I changed it by deed poll, in honour of the boss.
Oh! We had a lad called Moses in our class when I was a kid.
But he got knocked over by a forklift truck on work experience.
Got another poster? It's just for college.
There's a few lost lambs there, I can tell you.
Your name's Mike? Mikey.
Mick Micky.
Angel.
Stop it.
Michael was one of the archangels.
God's hard man.
Fighter.
Coming to the prayer meeting? Yeah.
OK.
Tell your big brother next time he wants something, not to send you.
He needs to come in himself.
Will do.
Call it 20.
You'll be getting me arrested.
I'll see you in court then.
Can't you do something about that? Oh, back off, miserable arse.
Can't bar them for enjoying themselves.
Oh, I didn't mean bar them.
I just meant burn them at the stake.
That'll shut the fuckers up.
Free country, Frank.
Only if you're a Christian Fundamentalist, apparently.
Or some other vocal minority, like your fucking lot.
What do you mean by that? Oh, you see? Someone dares criticise, have an opinion, you're up in arms! Dad, shut the fuck up! No.
You can't have a balanced discussion, can't dare to disagree.
Oh, sorry, but the vast majority of folk in the free world don't share your point of view vis a vis your God and the way his representatives on Earth are conducting themselves.
You're welcome to your opinion, Frank.
Oh, cheers.
I just don't want to hear it.
And don't we know it.
Someone dares speak out of turn and you're down on them like a ton of bricks, literally, in some parts of the world.
That's bang out of order.
No.
Karen.
Blowing yourself up and taking folk with you who don't wanna go, is bang out of order! You need to watch what you're saying.
Or what? You're going to get a Fatwa on me, yeah? Frankie gets a Fatwa? I'm not saying one religion is any better than the other.
They're all shite.
It's just a way of administering control, pulling strings.
God's just a bogeyman! That is so offensive.
Well, I'd rate buggering choirboys and abusing kids in care more offensive, Mimi, but, hey, you know, one man's Sistine Chapel ceiling is another man's floor, I suppose.
So all Catholics bugger choirboys, do they? Can't say I have.
Shane? Go home to your wives! Go home to your wives! I've been here ages.
Say I'm the Devil Incarnate.
I'd be insulted if I knew what it meant.
What's this? What you playing at? Just trying to raise awareness.
Not outside my place of work you're not! You're a whore.
A little Old Testament for my tastes, but yep.
I thought you were here to get everyone happy clappy, not interfere with the way I earn my living, or give an opinion on it.
Let's pray, Kelly.
Join me.
Be forgiven.
I'll be on me knees as soon as I clock on for work and you'll be flat on your back if you don't call your bitches off.
I don't want or need your forgiveness.
It's the Almighty you're asking to forgive.
And be honest, you could do with a little guidance in your life.
No! Tonya could've done with some, too.
With light in her life, she could have avoided a lot of heartache.
How the fuck do you? Move! And there's plenty more where that came from, too! I'm here to help, Kelly.
Let me.
What's going on? How do you know about our Tonya? How do you know about me sister? What's happening? Let the love in, Kelly.
Fuck'd you know me name? All right, pal.
What you up to? Spreading the word.
.
Well fucking spread it somewhere else! Jesus loves you, Shane.
I'm praying for you.
He knows your name.
He knows our names! Someone's praying, Lord, kumbaya Oh, Lord, kumbaya.
He knew things about me, my family.
They could have asked someone your name.
Every now and then, you come across a holy man with a direct link to him upstairs.
He's got those eyes, though, hasn't he? Look right into you.
Know your every thought.
See right into our souls.
Trickery, Kelly.
Smoke and mirrors, like all religions.
Except yours, obviously.
Fear of an all-seeing, all-knowing, unforgiving deity that doesn't even exist.
Except yours, as previously mentioned.
Hang on, got to admit it's been a bit nicer since they arrived.
Let me give you a hand.
Kids off the street are socialising instead of making nuisances of themselves.
Stop! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Jesus is doing no harm.
You dropped your purse.
Thank you.
Well done! Apart from picketing my business and threatening to expose my clientele, you mean? Let them fill their boots and move on.
How much harm are a gang of Bible-bashers going to do us, eh? You touch me, and you're dead! I'm a Maguire! And when they find out what you're doing to one of their own At least I got the right one.
Marty?! Me nuts! We were in Spain, paradise.
Happiest ever.
We had each other.
The kids.
So what happened? I couldn't give her what she wanted.
I tried.
Had this job in Fuengirola.
We were just scraping by, but we were together.
Anyway, before long She found someone who could give her what she wanted.
She left you.
Took my kids.
Arsin-arsin-arsin' around behind my back with some greasy wop! Wops are Italian.
You were in Spain.
They're all the same gel-wearing tight trousered bastards.
Put the fire out! She She put out the fire - desire - that I felt for her.
So you're back here.
Fuck, sorry.
Who is it? Mum.
It's Carol? I had no idea she'd You have had a shit time of it, haven't you? Look, you can't stay here.
I'll have a word with Shane.
It'll only be the couch, but at least you'll be warm.
Safe.
How about it, eh? Yeah.
There's a prayer meeting at eight.
Does it look like I go to prayer meetings? Looks like you need to.
There's an Xbox on the bus.
PS3.
Wii.
What's your name? Mephistopheles.
Call him Meff for short.
I've been sent by God to save you.
Many women bigger, wiser and on the legal side of puberty to you have tried to save me and failed spectacularly.
Vernon Francis Gallagher.
Nine children to two different women.
Claiming disability benefits on and off for a back condition, which only materialises at the same time as the possibility of a job.
What are you, some sort of Lib-Dem-Tory spy? Receiving child benefits for almost 30 years.
But that money's never put a meal on the table.
Clothes on their backs.
Me and my benefits are classified information.
It's theft, Frank.
A crime not only against your fellow man, but God himself.
I don't give a toss about my fellow man.
And as for God Salvation or damnation! Who the fuck are you? You have the choice! See the light! Salvation Fuck that! He's on his own, in that shitty squat the junkies used to use.
She only wants Marty staying here, Veronica's brother.
Well, we need a fuckin' arsonist.
Mickey! He's got nowhere to live.
Mickey! I wouldn't be able to leave a match or a lighter out for fear of him torching the place.
Oh, God! He's got a right potty mouth! Fuck this, fuck that, fuck the other.
Every other word's fuck.
Or twat.
Who? Marty.
He used to shout "cuntflaps" at the nuns.
Cilla would pick that up, "cuntflaps".
You've got a spare room.
No chance.
You didn't move your lips.
He's a liability.
For fuck's sake! Are you in on this, Ches? Yeah, too right.
Did you call Lillian? I couldn't get through.
Mickey, you know where she is, don't you? If the car's a rockin', don't come knockin'.
I've gone mobile.
I couldn't get a punter past the God squad, so I've launched Feels On Wheels.
It's an orgy! Didn't start like that.
Two of them were late and then all my appointments went crashing, so I thought "Oh, to hell with it", and I chucked 'em all in at once.
I take a 10% cut and keep film and distribution rights.
They're being filmed? Tiny cameras the size of matchsticks.
They have no clue.
Who'd watch that? There's a market for chubby chasers.
I knock out DVDs on the computer, take 'em down the car boot on a Saturday.
Make a mint! We're going to see Jesus.
I'm fucked off with the effect his crusade's having on business.
Jamie! I'm with you in spirit, but if there's a ruck, I won't be of any use.
You're getting on a bit, so No, it's the love eggs.
Last time I was involved in a tussle, I lost one.
One of the girls had to come down and suction it out with the hose off the Dyson.
I've just brought up a bit of sick.
So have I.
Get your boss out here now, or you'll be meeting your maker a bit quicker than you'd fuckin' imagined.
You want to play it the hard way, that's fine with us.
Stop this, please! For the love of God, stop.
None of this'd be happening if you'd come out when you were told.
We want your pickets removed from outside our businesses.
There's a message to be spread, Chesney.
Your brains'll be being spread if you don't listen up.
You're eating into our profits.
That's not on.
Your trade breeds misery.
Families ripped apart.
People have a freedom of choice.
I can't stand idly by and watch men and women drown in the very thing that you sell.
Look at Frank - the happiness his children have missed out on through his addiction.
If you knew Frank, you'd know his kids have had a lucky escape.
Call them off.
We're here to do God's work.
Peace and love! I can't call that off.
Can't ask it to stop.
Well, then, you leave us no choice.
You can't call it off.
But I can.
So why all the cloak and dagger? Why jump me in the street, why not just knock round? I'm on the run.
There's a warrant out.
For? I didn't pay maintenance.
I didn't have it.
When she kicked me out, I slept on the beach.
I lost my job.
I didn't have a pot to piss in.
Besides The fella she moved in with was loaded.
It's not like the kids went short.
What? You haven't swore.
Fuck! Yeah.
Shane doesn't want you staying.
So I thought the best thing we could do would be to make this place as comfy as we can.
Got a duvet cover there, too.
Anything else you want? A fuck.
Is that your Tourette's back? I'll ask one of the girls to pop round.
You got a type? Er blonde.
About your size.
They'll be docking my pay.
Bye.
'It's me.
Leave a message.
' There's nothing going on here, so I'll leave it an hour or so, then head home.
If you're at the Jockey, don't worry about rushing back, bath and bed when I get in, I'm knackered.
Have a good 'un.
Love you.
Hey, leave 'em on.
Shat myself then.
Oh, my God.
What do you think you're doing? Hang on, hang on.
Punchline And all because The lady loves It's hurting.
And I pledge to thee my purity.
And I pledge to thee my purity.
And I pledge to thee my faith.
And I pledge to thee my faith.
Now and for ever.
Amen.
Now and for ever.
Amen.
All right, crisps and pop coming up.
Enjoy! You missed it.
The prayer session.
I know.
You can't just turn up for the games, crisps and pop.
You can't just reap the rewards.
You have to put the time in.
It's all new to me.
Like a big family, innit? I'll be on time, next time.
Erm I'm sure God wouldn't mind me making an exception.
Monster Munch or Nibletts? Your cronies are fucking up business in the pub.
And the shop.
And Lillian's.
You have to stop.
Now.
I can't.
I wouldn't put myself in the middle of it, Patty.
Jesus was never afraid of a fight and neither am I, Jamie.
I'd sooner not do this.
Well, then don't.
Leave the devil behind and look for salvation.
Before it's too late.
I want you off the estate this time tomorrow.
No wonder your crew knew all there is to know about everyone.
I know how people might redeem themselves.
Since he shone his light, my life is finally worth living and yours could be too, so hallelujah! Hallelujah! Join us in the light.
And let his love illuminate the darkest corners of your life.
I don't really do religion, I'm a Catholic.
You think the Lord will forgive you for all you've done? Beware! You beware.
If you think I'm going to let you and yours fuck up my nearest and dearest, you're wrong.
No-one messes with my family.
If you think we're a pushover, think again.
Blow it out your arse.
I'm New Testament, your mumbo jumbo scaremongery's lost on me.
You want trouble, Patty, bring it on! Verily, God will visit upon you fire and brimstone and damnation! The earth shall weep, Mimi.
The earth shall weep! Pepperoni, madam.
Extra basil like you asked.
I meant on the pizza.
Well, basil on tap.
You can have it any time you want now.
I'm glad you're not in a hurry to get home.
No-one to hurry to.
Shane's out on family business.
You mean kicking somebody's arse? Or telling someone they're going to get their arse kicked.
Not sure what he gets up to lately but I'm pretty sure it involves arses and kicking.
Can't be easy being married to a Maguire.
Bit of an effort lately.
All marriages go through funny patches, eh? Yep.
It'll just be a funny patch.
Yeah.
Mam said we need to be on red alert.
What does that mean? Patty's made a threat which Mam thinks we need to take seriously.
So there's a family pow wow later to decide the next move.
Hiya.
What you been up to? Not much.
Someone nearly got their arse kicked, that's all.
You? Been with a client.
Can you smoke that? It's basil.
You've give it a name? No, Micky.
Everyone calls it basil.
What's it for? Cooking.
Stick it in a pasta, top of pizzas.
We're having pasta again? No, we're not having pasta.
What the fuck you buy it for then? It's a gift.
Some perv's buying you a plant as a thank you for paying to fuck you? It wasn't a perv.
It was Marty.
So he's buying you a plant? Shane! Punter have bought me watches before now.
Red roses marking the anniversary of when they first fucked me and you and me, we laughed at that.
Why's it bothering you? You do not buy a plant.
We were just having a laugh.
We just got talking about stuff we liked Shane! Shane, come on! This is stupid! Shane, will you Fuck off.
It's a plant.
A fucking plant.
It was a joke, a thank you, that's all.
Shane! Stop it! Shane! Shane, stop it.
Shane? Stop it now.
No! No! Shane! Leave it.
Leave it.
Fuck off.
It's none of your business.
Fucking do one! Are you OK, love? Just leave.
What the fuck are you doing?! Fuck's this about?! There's no need, absolutely no need! He stays away.
You don't say who can and can't You are my wife! Kelly Maguire.
You got that? Maguire.
And don't I fucking know it! Come on.
I said come on.
What's it like living round here? Better than where I used to live.
We shouldn't even be talking to each other.
Being on opposing sides, you mean? The Maguires have asked me to find out what your lot are planning.
And I've been asked to find out what the Maguires are planning.
Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em all.
I'll pray for your soul.
Don't you ever get pissed off? I mean, um, bored, doing this all the time? If I can get through to one person, just one, it'll have been worthwhile.
Yes, mate.
Never just want a bit of fun? I do have fun.
I enjoy my work, my mission.
Look, I believe in God but only for an hour on a Sunday.
It hasn't taken over my whole life.
It needs to.
Don't you just want a bit of excitement? Fuck.
These fuckers are harder than we thought.
Willing to go to any lengths to prove their point.
It might not have been them.
Who else could it have been? I told Patty the score, she threw down the gauntlet.
This is war.
So much for peace and goodwill, eh? Me and my Brendan was involved in an explosion once.
1972.
We were on a cruise, celebrating us anniversary.
Having dinner at the Captains' table, when suddenly, this God almighty bang and the ship tipped.
Felt it wham.
And within an hour, the whole vessel were upside down.
We were trapped.
That was the Poseidon Adventure.
Did it not happen? So we're just going to sit here, let 'em get away with it? Would you be doing this if I'd have been blown to fuckin' pieces? No.
So what do we do? Go round there and we nail them.
What? You mean kill them? Kill Jesus? Kill 'em all.
We tried the gentle approach, and they wouldn't listen.
Your answer to everything that, isn't it? What do you suggest? I dunno.
Anything but that.
It's just wrong.
It's all wrong.
This time tomorrow, our problem will no longer be our problem.
Kel, Kel! Are you OK? He didn't hit you? He wouldn't fucking dare.
Don't come round again, Marty.
Why? He'll kill you.
I can't just stop seeing you.
You're going to have to.
I can't! Why the fuck not? Because I love ya.
I love ya! You sure you're OK? Fine, thanks, Auntie.
If you're agreeable, you could stay with us.
Come with us.
Join our Crusade.
You mean it? Indeed we do.
Where's Grace? Upstairs, having a lie down.
I'm off on a few messages.
If you need anything, just call for Jesus.
I'll be in the office.
What you doing? What's it look like? It's upside down.
Hey.
Jesus? If you hadn't dragged my husband off, he'd have killed that poor bastard and be looking at a life stretch.
So I owe you.
My lot have had enough and they plan to make sure you don't cause no more problems.
When they realise we pose no threat Look, Jesus What's your real name? I can't keep calling you that.
That is my real name.
What did your mam call you? Fuck's sake, I'm trying to have a serious conversation.
Eric.
Eric.
Eric.
Some folk respond well to kindness, a soft touch.
Jamie isn't the type of man you want to be messing with.
When the Romans came for Christ You want to finish up in the foundations for a flyover Sit tight.
There's something I don't understand.
You're a good looking bloke.
Kind, considerate, passionate.
Your love for God tells me that much.
You never been tempted? You never been tempted? I pray to God to keep me pure.
You never longed for that touch? That euphoria.
Him.
His need.
My need.
When we make love I could almost believe in God.
It's that good.
It's that good.
Don't be here.
They're coming.
See ya.
Bye.
Nice shoes, Grace.
You'd better go.
Arghh! What?! Have you heard from Libby? I'm the last one she'd get in touch with! Where is she? I don't know! Why are you so intent on seeing her anyway? She didn't say where she was going, or who she was going with? Why would she tell me? She didn't leave a note for me? What, for her jailer? Her tormentor? I'm her mother.
Just because you've seen the light, doesn't mean to say everyone else has too.
Go seek comfort in Jesus.
Not the real one, obviously.
I'm not suggesting you should top yourself, but, you know, the himbo on the bus.
I'm sure he can rustle up a few words of comfort from some Epistle or another.
You know, rattle his tambourine.
Fuck me.
The ice maiden melteth.
I shed a few tears for her.
Mostly of regret.
You treated her like shite.
Regret that I ever met her, that we ever picked up where we left off, cos truth be told, there was nothing left to pick up.
But, I got me tea made.
Me washing done A good nosh now and again.
You bastard! All she needed to hear was, "I love you", and she was on her knees.
I've had better sex but my shirts have never been whiter.
I wondered when the real Patty would resurface.
And here she is.
So, this is goodbye then, is it? I can't see any reason to stay.
Where did you go when you left here? What turned you from the godless old crone we knew into the God-fearing crone now before us? Much like yourself, I lived a selfish life, attending to my needs before even considering the needs of others.
And then I went back to Ireland and, while there, had what I can only describe as my Road To Damascus experience.
Oh, so God just popped up and showed you the error of your ways? Yeah? Well, I don't believe a word.
I think little Patty clocked the Jesus freaks and thought, "Bingo! Free meals and a roof over me head for the rest of me life.
" I wouldn't expect you to believe.
I was a lost sheep and God saved me.
Liar.
May He strike me down here and now if I tell a word of a lie.
Matty? I'm going.
Good.
No.
I mean, I'm leaving this.
You don't have to leave this.
Just here.
My head's full of everything I've been missing.
You can have it all, you know.
I think God would let you.
How can I preach purity when all I want to be is impure? Preach goodness, when all I want to do is bad? I'm not worthy.
They deserve better than me.
What you want to do, it's normal.
It's not bad.
But I want it to be bad.
I want to bite the apple, Kelly.
Thank you.
Anyone? Nothing.
See you got my present, then? I won't ask where it came from.
'No, don't.
' You got my present? I got it.
Listen, next time you're saving souls round here, come save mine.
Bye.
They say the damage to my spine is irreparable.
I'll never walk again.
You've taken it very well, I'll give you that.
I've got my life back, Frank.
What could be better? I don't understand.
The police will be here any minute.
And what I tell them depends very much on you.
How do you mean? Everyone on the estate knows how much you hated me.
Everyone knows how much you wanted me out the picture.
If you agree to have me move back, then I agree not to tell the police you pushed me down the stairs - that you did this.
Well, that's just gonna be my word against Who's gonna believe.
.
? Ah! Oh, nurse! Oh! Nurse! Pain, oh! Oh! We'll have to increase your morphine.
I'm just going to check with the doctor.
Hang on there, Patty.
Oh! Oh! Wouldn't you be better off back on the bus, amongst your own kind? With those Bible bashing bastards? I can't stand the feckin' sight of them! I want to be amongst folk I know.
Familiar faces, surroundings.
I want to come home.
And I wanted to make your life a feckin' misery, Frank.
'I ran into that old boyfriend a few years ago.
'I was out with the girls in town, 'turned a corner and bang, there he was.
'No longer a possible replacement for Robbie or Gary.
'His face was etched with all the wrong he'd done.
'All the pain he'd caused.
' Oh, they're here! 'And, if I believed in God, 'I'd like to think he'd had every sin that he'd ever committed 'scratched into his face as a warning to others 'to keep their distance - to beware.
'That's if I believed in God.
' What are you going on about? It's a scratch card! Tonight, a pensioner was brutally assaulted in her home in Belvedere Road If it gets any clearer, I'll be topping meself.
It's Frank's name on the line.
Yeah, and his head.
Don't know how you missed him! What the fuck? Forensics rustled a few new words up for you, Frank.
DNA.
Positive match.
If it was you, that'd be us finished.
I need Kev! Where is he?