The Goldbergs s08e17 Episode Script
Who's Afraid Of Brea Bee?
1
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
there was no more beloved couple
than Erica and Geoff.
Unfortunately, after a disastrous camping trip, they were utterly broken up, and Erica wasn't ready for the world to know.
Hey, um, Barry, nobody else knows about the breakup besides you.
You will not tell the dopes inside this house.
But I keep nothing from them.
Intimate financial details, anatomical distresses, historical shames it's all for public consumption.
Dealing with their craziness while it's still so raw will just be too much.
Then it's lucky for you I have some relationship news of my own.
As you know, Joanne and I have been getting very serious recently.
Wait, the lady from the car wash? Ah, she does a deep scrub.
Good for you, pal! No.
Geoff's sister and my newest kissing companion.
Quickly changing the subject, where is Geoff? Unimportant.
I wanted you to know I will be showing Joanne just how much she means to me by awarding her my treasured Flyers wear.
You thought I had to be here for this? I'm with Dad.
This could've been a phone call.
Erica, where's Geoff? I miss his anxious energy.
Forget about adorable, shy Geoff.
Let's talk about Barry and Joanne.
Or as we are henceforth known Bear-Jo.
Which one's Geoff again? Murray, you know Geoff.
He's Erica's cute but non-threatening boyfriend.
Can everyone just stop obsessing over Erica's ex and focus on me?! - Did you say "Erica's ex"? - Barry! Erica Streisand Goldberg, did you and Geoff break up?! Okay, yes, but it's more complicated than that.
Could you just give me a second? [Tires screeching.]
How could you break up with my beautiful angel baby Erica?! I didn't break up with Erica.
It was her idea.
Excuse me for a second.
Why did you break up with my sweet baby angel Geoff? This is why I didn't tell you.
I knew you would blow this out of proportion.
Is it even possible to blow the biggest breakup in the history of the world out of proportion? Mother, the aforementioned Jo of Bear-Jo.
Hey.
[Chuckles.]
I must really like him if I put this thing on my body, - am I right? - Not now.
- Get out.
- Why? - Get out.
- Oh.
- She wants to take pictures on the lawn.
- Later.
Her blessing means everything.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was April 14th, 1980-something, and for me and my theater friends, it was a big day finding out who was cast in our school play.
As you all know, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" will be the school's first foray into mature theater.
Hey, there's only one name up there.
Your auditions stunk, like a homemade sauerkraut you make in your tub.
I live alone.
So what? Holy balls! It's my name.
You wowed me, Adam F.
Goldberg, like a young Paul Newman, but more charactery in the face.
That's for sure an insult, but I don't care.
I'm playing George.
- Dude, I can't believe you got the lead.
- Spread the word.
I still need to find someone amazing to play George's wife - and the other couple.
- Can we re-audition? The producers are going in a different direction, - towards talent.
- I clearly heard that.
Well, then make sure the rest of these duds know.
[Bell ringing.]
Getting the lead was the highest honor for a drama kid, and it wasn't just some silly musical.
For the first time, I was going to act.
- I'm so psyched for you.
- Right? It's like I'm whoever the best athlete in the world is, - but for theater.
- So, the Michael Jordan of theater? I'll take your word for it, but maybe.
It's like we're William Penn royalty.
I'm the king of the drama kids, and you're the queen of the athletes - and the cool kids and the smart kids - [Whistle blows.]
and all the others I'm forgetting.
Hey, practice is starting, but I'll catch you later, my leading man.
Till we meet again, my leading lady.
Wait! Why don't you audition? I don't know.
I've never acted before.
Although, I once did a skit at sports camp.
I played a volleyball named Spike, and when I deflated, one of my coaches cried.
Ah, sportos are so easily moved.
If only theater lovers were as simple.
Then again, the challenge of my craft is my craft, you know? Uh no? [Chuckling.]
Of course not.
Anyway, please try out.
It would actually be kind of fun to spend some time in your world.
It is my world, isn't it? And I'm the best of the best.
[Grunts.]
As I set my sights on a leading lady, my dad took the lead on cheering up my heartbroken sister.
Everything's gonna be all right, sweetheart.
I think.
I don't know.
Y-You tell me.
Damn it, Murray, you are absolutely terrible - at comforting me.
- Of course I am.
And why are you in Erica's room? Because it reminds me of Geoff, okay? He was my everything.
What are you talking about? God! You don't get it.
You don't get me.
Just leave me alone.
I would, but who's gonna put the tomato sauce on the meatloaf? I brought ice cream.
- Ah, yeah! - For Mom.
Who comes into a room and says something like that? I'm not hungry for ice cream.
Turn off the lights and let me listen to my music.
Mom, please take this in the gentlest way possible, but you're being nutso-buttso right now.
How can you be so calm about this? This is our Geoff we're talking about.
Not your Geoff.
And, yes, it hurts a lot.
But I made a difficult decision, and I need you to respect that.
And you need to respect my decision not to respect yours.
Why are you as upset as me? Because I had plans for your future.
Please don't tell me you're already thinking about our wedding.
It's mid-April.
Everything's in bloom.
[Chuckles.]
We're overlooking Bushkill Falls, the Niagara of Pennsylvania.
There's a 25-person limit, but we can push it to 200.
Sounds reasonable.
Then once we get back from our honeymoon in Hawaii yes, I am going you two will move into the Kremps' house.
So, in this world, the Kremps no longer live across the street? Not when they notice all the possums I've been sneaking into their attic.
Mom, if you care about me even a little, you need to stop this.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
This isn't about me.
I'll just back off and let you heal.
Thank you for understanding.
That's unusually normal of you.
Bevy, I know that look in your eyes.
Whatever you're thinking, don't do it.
She said the decision was difficult.
That means there's doubt, which means there's hope.
Which means she wants her mama to help her get her man back.
None of those dots connect.
Exactly.
All the dots.
I'm gonna save their love.
While my mom worked behind the scenes to save Geoff and Erica, Brea was about to take center stage.
Welcome to the court where I play my sport.
[Inhales deeply.]
The sport of theater.
The lights are so bright.
I'm sweating.
Are you sweating? Just think of this stage as a volleyball court.
I did win a district championship with 100 people watching.
The coach told me to imagine them all naked.
I knew what he meant, but he still got fired.
It's kind of the same.
The only difference is instead of slapping a ball, you're mining your deepest pain to explore the contradiction of the human experience.
Dave Kim, you getting this? "Pretentious, pretentious, volleyball.
" Got it.
He's writing a piece on me for the school paper.
Lead in the play, inspiration to others.
- It writes itself.
- How's this for a headline? "Adam Goldberg: Star in the Making.
" I like it, but it kind of says I'm not a star yet.
How about, "Adam Goldberg: A Star That Was Already Made"? - You got there yourself.
- MS.
CINOMAN: All right.
Today's sides are taken from a play written by yours truly.
Brea will be reading the role of Susan Allspice, a mysterious, unappreciated drama teacher, and Adam will be reading the role of Susan's ex, Antoine, a liar who stole her Ford Taurus.
Aaand begin.
"Baby doll, once again, I've abused your giving soul and left your car at my bookie's apartment in 'Joisey'.
What are you gonna do about it?" In that moment, it was clear.
A young actor was about to be completely overwhelmed onstage.
I said "What are you going to" "Do about it? I'm done 'doing' when it comes to you, Antoine.
I do and I do and I do, when all the world says, 'don't.
'" Unfortunately, I was the overwhelmed actor.
"But you're my, uh, baby doll?" "But that's over now.
Because this Allspice will never - flavor your world again.
" - [Mouthing words.]
"Now, go! Go manage your brother's Chick-fil-A in Sarasota, where they're used to chickens as big as you!" Ow.
That was dead-center nipple.
We've found our lead! Brea, you inhabited that part.
And how was I, Ms.
Cinoman? Eh.
You'll get there.
Everyone, welcome Brea Bee to our band of merry players! While I felt blind-sided by my stage partner, my mom was preparing an ambush of her own.
Wait.
Is that It is.
Geoff Schwartz! What are the chances? Down the street from my parents' house? Pretty high.
Well, this is a happy co-ink-a-dink, because I have some stuff you left at our house.
Okay, you can just put those things in the back.
- Or just climb in and crush my sunglasses.
- [Car door closes.]
Here's the elegant "Gerica" sweater that reminds you of the good times.
That's clearly not mine.
Oh, and a bottle of Erica's favorite perfume.
Wow.
That's gotta bring back some memories, huh? [Coughing.]
My eyes! - It's so searing and evocative! - Mm.
Look.
Her diary.
Oopsy.
I opened it.
"Dear diary, I sure do miss Geoff's snuggly body.
I wish he could go back to being my loverboy.
" It's obvious you're trying to get me to go back to Erica.
How dare you? I'm just a concerned citizen randomly walking the neighborhood with the possessions of my daughter and her former loverboy.
Please stop saying "loverboy.
" Does "boy lover" feel more natural? It does not.
I guess someone can't have an open and honest conversation.
I'm sorry.
It's just, however hard you think this breakup is for you, it's harder for me.
- Geoff, I know.
- Thank you.
But I will 1,000% get you back together, whether you want me to or not.
- [Car door closes.]
- You left your box! Geoff, that [bleep.]
isn't mine.
After my girlfriend crushed her audition for the play, I had no choice but to use every acting trick in the book to keep up.
I like New York, unique you-nork.
Ah, damn you, unmuscular tongue! Ugh! I like New York.
Not a fan.
Providence, Rhode Island that's a city.
New York is irrelevant, Dad.
I'm using an acting technique to improve my stage voice.
You know who's a great actor? The Fall Guy, Lee Majors.
Very handsome.
Acting isn't entirely about appearance, but I could see how you'd make that mistake.
They paid $6 million for that guy a bargain.
Sounds like you're a big fan.
Go ahead say an emotion, and I'll say "Lee Majors" in that emotion.
How about happy? Lee Majors! - Angry.
- Lee Majors.
- Confused.
- Lee Majors? - Bored.
- Lee Majors.
No, I meant I'm bored.
Now, scram.
What are you doing now? I'm using your insensitive dismissal to evoke real tears.
What is that? Trapped gas? - Lay on a pillow.
- Gah! This is pointless! Not a single person can summon up tears out of nothing.
But it turns out there was one person.
Her name was Brea Bee.
Her acting was so nuanced, so touching, so incredibly soul-wrenching that, at the next rehearsal, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Even that guy was crying.
Chills.
Clio, Erato, Calliope, your legacy lives on through the scarlet goddess that is Brea Bee.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's pump the brakes a little.
So she got the sprinklers working.
Big deal.
"Big deal"? That was transcendent.
This is going in the article.
Which article? My article? You're still a part of it.
Adam Goldberg, what's it like to perform opposite someone who's wildly more talented than you? As my spotlight dimmed, Barry and Joanne were getting - new attention from my mom.
- [Knock on door.]
[Gasps.]
There they are my new favoritest couple.
Mom, y-you can't just come barging in.
I mean, what if we were smooching? Nothing makes me more excited than my son showing affection to another woman.
I'm super comfortable with a lot of weird stuff, but whaaa? You know, the other night, I did not adequately acknowledge your budding relationship, but from here on out, I pledge you my motherly support, yeah.
- [Sighs.]
- Wow.
Yes.
That's all I ever wanted the whole time.
Oh, yay! Now that you cutie-patooties have found each other, I can switch all my plans from Geoff and Erica over to you.
What exactly does that mean? Joanne, have you ever been to Bushkill Falls? Yes, we took a family trip there once.
I got super carsick.
It was just like [gags.]
Well, there you go.
You're gonna love getting married there.
Married? What the hell are you talking about? Oh, and, Joanne, you're gonna need to speak to your father about securing a massive down payment for the Kremps' house.
Will do.
Uh, also, w-why, exactly? Well, you'll need a place for all the babies.
Why would I live in the Kremps' house with a bunch of strange babies? They're your babies, silly, and my grandchildren.
- All 13 of 'em.
- Oh, no.
Why didn't we stop at 12? I've always wanted to be an aunt.
Is being a mom all that different? I think maybe.
And I don't know much about babies, but they need a lot of attention.
But that's what I crave all the time.
And that's what you'll get, from me, - because I'll basically be living there.
- No.
No.
Guys, somebody stole the foosball table downstairs.
- You haven't seen it, have you? - Oh, no.
This one is ours, but I'll go help you look.
Ugh.
The world is so crazy.
A week ago, I was a law student.
Now I'm gonna be a suburban mom.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Chuckles.]
Love her.
Yeah, Mom.
I truly appreciate your support.
Just one question how do you make it go away forever? I'm afraid you can't.
I mean, it used to go to Geoff and Erica, but they're not together anymore.
Even in heartbreak, they're winning.
- Unless - Unless what? I suppose if they were to somehow get back together, I would shift all my focus back to them.
Then together I shall make them.
What a nice idea you've arrived at completely on your own.
While Barry went to fix Geoff and Erica's relationship, I had gotten some breaking news.
What the hell, Dave Kim?! This article is all about Brea.
There's nothing about me in here anywhere.
Not true.
It clearly says "Brea Bee outshines her lesser castmates.
" See? "Lesser castmates.
" There you are.
- [Bell ringing.]
- [Exhales sharply.]
Adam, can we talk in private? One-on-one time with my director? You honor me with your attention.
I've had some concerns since Brea joined the cast.
Oh, you feel it, too? The chemistry between George and Martha it's just so important to the success of the play.
And that's all we strive for.
So, I have your blessing to recast the role? In that moment, I had a choice stand up for my girlfriend, or do this.
Why are we still talking about it? It's done.
Matt Schernecke will replace you as George, and you'll be Matt's old character, Nick, who comes in later and says fewer lines.
- Wasdatnow? - This will be good for you.
Not as much memorization, you won't be constantly upstaged by Brea, and we see less of you.
Everybody wins, especially the audience.
As I watched my shot at stardom fall apart, Barry was doing whatever he could to get Erica and Geoff back together.
Oh, man, I can't believe you got me a one-on-one meet-and-greet with Gene Simmons of KISS! Hey, when my best friend needs cheering up, it's Big Tasty to the rescue.
And you know what? Gene's excited, too.
That's why he wants you blindfolded for the big reveal.
It's all so unlikely, but Gene is a showman.
I'm gonna put this trench coat on you.
Ooh, fun! Is this part of Gene's plan, too? Yep.
He also wants you to hold this boom box over your head.
He is a glam-rock superstar, so who am I to say no to his every whim? Yeah, Bon Jovi's gonna love you.
Wait, I thought you said it was Gene Simmons.
Jon Bon Jovi's gonna be here, too?! Yeah, all your musical fellas.
Just let me press play, and I'll get outta your way.
Damn it! It's dead.
We need 16 "D" batteries, stat.
What is going on? Geoff? What are you doing here? Damn it, Barry! What did you do? Only re-created the most romantic moment in movie history.
You're about to "Say Anything" Erica.
- Why would I do that? - Movie's the best! John Cusack is a kickboxer who falls in love with a girl who only reads the dictionary.
- You should see it.
- I've seen the movie.
We've all seen it.
I've actually done this exact thing before.
He really did.
And he wasn't the only one.
Yeah, at our house, "Say Anything" was pretty much the go-to big, romantic gesture.
Quite the cultural touchstone.
So, is it working? Are you guys back together, and I don't have to live in the Kremps' home?! - No.
Who put that thought in your head? - [Window opens.]
Damn it, Barry, you can't "Say Anything" them.
That's been done, like, a lot.
I know that now, Mother! Just go back inside! I have this under control.
I'm gonna get them to Dirty Dance.
We've done that, too.
They sure had.
I can't believe you, Mom.
We're broken up.
Why can't you just accept that? Because you love Geoff, and Geoff loves you, and I love you both.
I can't just let you throw it all away.
I agree.
This sucks.
And, honestly, I don't even know why it's happening.
But I do know I don't want to be here right now.
You know, this was incredibly selfish, even for you.
- [Window closes.]
- BARRY: [Chuckles.]
One of the batteries was in backwards.
That makes all the difference.
It was opening night of the school play, but all I could think about was being shut out by Brea's talent.
- Here.
- What is this? Flowers.
They told me to give them to you after the show, but then I'd have to hold them, so All right, curtain's going up.
Places.
Gah! Stupid Matt Schernecke.
- [Applause in background.]
- Stupid Brea.
Why are you calling your girlfriend stupid? Maybe 'cause she's so much better than I am.
I mean, look at her out there.
She hasn't said a word yet, and the audience is spellbound.
You don't want to support your girlfriend? Actors make a lot of money.
Lee Majors two swimming pools and a helicopter.
I don't care about Lee Majors.
I'm consumed by jealousy.
I actually considered untying a sandbag and killing Matt Schernecke, but the knot was too complicated.
Adam, do you know why I'm here? 'Cause Mom sent you.
Yes.
But I'm also here to support you in your big moment.
That's what you do for people you love.
So, break an egg.
- It's "break a leg.
" - I don't care.
My dad was right.
It was time to be supportive and let Brea have her moment.
But then again, I also wanted a moment.
Ohhh, crap.
Yep, I went completely off-book.
Hey, it's it's Nick.
Uh, we weren't expecting you so soon.
What are you doing here, Nick? Oh, you know, Nick stuff.
And it didn't stop there.
I wasn't just off-book.
I was off the rails.
[As Robin Williams.]
Ooh.
You know who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? - Virginia sheep.
Baah! - There were jokes.
[Normal voice.]
I'm a Rockette gone solo! Get it? Why is it so quiet? - There was magic - Ah! - Eh? - improv.
- I need a location.
- Off the stage! Nothing was gonna stop it.
Except this.
What the hell was that?! A human Swiss Army knife of entertainment? Adam, you ruined everything! For all of us! For me! I found something new that I really loved why would you try and take that away from me?! Oh, boy.
More tears.
Except I'm not acting this time.
[Slow version of "Heart of Glass" plays.]
Looks like someone could use some ice cream.
Don't.
Don't try to be a mom now.
You're right.
I took it too far, and I I know.
You want a wedding and grandbabies and us living next door.
I do want those things.
But more importantly, I want you to be happy, and I find it hard to believe that Geoff is not a part of that.
It is for me, too.
But, Mom, it had to happen.
He completely stopped being who he was because of me.
Soon found out I was losing my mind Did I do the right thing? Erica, I can't tell you what's gonna happen with Geoff, but I can say that from now on, the only thing I care about is you.
Thanks.
Love's gone behind Think you could lie here with me? In between Sometimes, it's hard to accept that we can't fix everything.
But luckily, there are certain things we can.
Good news.
Love is so confusing, there's no peace of mind Due to the overwhelmingly negative response to my performance tonight, they rescheduled the play for tomorrow, as long as I promise not to go anywhere near the stage.
Mm.
Sure.
Nothing like the excitement of a second opening night.
I know! I-I'm What I did was unforgivable.
I was jealous and petty.
I just thought tonight was my moment, so I couldn't stand that it was yours.
I'm the world's worst boyfriend.
I mean, the world's a big place, but you're definitely near the bottom.
It's just, you're so damn good.
It's unfair.
You really think so? Brea, I know.
You gotta go back out there tomorrow, 'cause if you don't, I'll never forgive myself.
Mm.
It's tempting to let you suffer a little, but I guess I could give it another shot.
Me or the play? - Lost inside - Both.
Adorable illusion, and I cannot hide In life, we have plans for the way we want things to go.
But life doesn't always work that way.
Please don't push me aside It's full of surprises.
Some of them are wonderful.
- Yeah - [Applause.]
Whoo! And some of them are heartbreaking.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh But whatever the future may hold, it's the support of the people we love that helps us carry on.
Ooh-ooh Whoa-oh-oh [Ding!.]
Super important relationship business.
We need a new couple name.
Yeah, Bear-Jo just isn't poppin'.
Guys, this isn't a good time.
I'm emotionally drained.
Perfect.
I'll start.
Big and Little Tasty.
Joanne featuring Barry.
PB and J minus P.
I deserve this for introducing them.
The Jo-fessor and Barry Anne.
- What? - Bo-Bo McJoJo.
- No.
- Jarry and Boanne.
- Barryana Joans.
- Please.
- The Beauty and Joanne.
- That doesn't make sense.
- Roberto Clemente.
- Th That one.
Unfortunately, after a disastrous camping trip, they were utterly broken up, and Erica wasn't ready for the world to know.
Hey, um, Barry, nobody else knows about the breakup besides you.
You will not tell the dopes inside this house.
But I keep nothing from them.
Intimate financial details, anatomical distresses, historical shames it's all for public consumption.
Dealing with their craziness while it's still so raw will just be too much.
Then it's lucky for you I have some relationship news of my own.
As you know, Joanne and I have been getting very serious recently.
Wait, the lady from the car wash? Ah, she does a deep scrub.
Good for you, pal! No.
Geoff's sister and my newest kissing companion.
Quickly changing the subject, where is Geoff? Unimportant.
I wanted you to know I will be showing Joanne just how much she means to me by awarding her my treasured Flyers wear.
You thought I had to be here for this? I'm with Dad.
This could've been a phone call.
Erica, where's Geoff? I miss his anxious energy.
Forget about adorable, shy Geoff.
Let's talk about Barry and Joanne.
Or as we are henceforth known Bear-Jo.
Which one's Geoff again? Murray, you know Geoff.
He's Erica's cute but non-threatening boyfriend.
Can everyone just stop obsessing over Erica's ex and focus on me?! - Did you say "Erica's ex"? - Barry! Erica Streisand Goldberg, did you and Geoff break up?! Okay, yes, but it's more complicated than that.
Could you just give me a second? [Tires screeching.]
How could you break up with my beautiful angel baby Erica?! I didn't break up with Erica.
It was her idea.
Excuse me for a second.
Why did you break up with my sweet baby angel Geoff? This is why I didn't tell you.
I knew you would blow this out of proportion.
Is it even possible to blow the biggest breakup in the history of the world out of proportion? Mother, the aforementioned Jo of Bear-Jo.
Hey.
[Chuckles.]
I must really like him if I put this thing on my body, - am I right? - Not now.
- Get out.
- Why? - Get out.
- Oh.
- She wants to take pictures on the lawn.
- Later.
Her blessing means everything.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was April 14th, 1980-something, and for me and my theater friends, it was a big day finding out who was cast in our school play.
As you all know, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" will be the school's first foray into mature theater.
Hey, there's only one name up there.
Your auditions stunk, like a homemade sauerkraut you make in your tub.
I live alone.
So what? Holy balls! It's my name.
You wowed me, Adam F.
Goldberg, like a young Paul Newman, but more charactery in the face.
That's for sure an insult, but I don't care.
I'm playing George.
- Dude, I can't believe you got the lead.
- Spread the word.
I still need to find someone amazing to play George's wife - and the other couple.
- Can we re-audition? The producers are going in a different direction, - towards talent.
- I clearly heard that.
Well, then make sure the rest of these duds know.
[Bell ringing.]
Getting the lead was the highest honor for a drama kid, and it wasn't just some silly musical.
For the first time, I was going to act.
- I'm so psyched for you.
- Right? It's like I'm whoever the best athlete in the world is, - but for theater.
- So, the Michael Jordan of theater? I'll take your word for it, but maybe.
It's like we're William Penn royalty.
I'm the king of the drama kids, and you're the queen of the athletes - and the cool kids and the smart kids - [Whistle blows.]
and all the others I'm forgetting.
Hey, practice is starting, but I'll catch you later, my leading man.
Till we meet again, my leading lady.
Wait! Why don't you audition? I don't know.
I've never acted before.
Although, I once did a skit at sports camp.
I played a volleyball named Spike, and when I deflated, one of my coaches cried.
Ah, sportos are so easily moved.
If only theater lovers were as simple.
Then again, the challenge of my craft is my craft, you know? Uh no? [Chuckling.]
Of course not.
Anyway, please try out.
It would actually be kind of fun to spend some time in your world.
It is my world, isn't it? And I'm the best of the best.
[Grunts.]
As I set my sights on a leading lady, my dad took the lead on cheering up my heartbroken sister.
Everything's gonna be all right, sweetheart.
I think.
I don't know.
Y-You tell me.
Damn it, Murray, you are absolutely terrible - at comforting me.
- Of course I am.
And why are you in Erica's room? Because it reminds me of Geoff, okay? He was my everything.
What are you talking about? God! You don't get it.
You don't get me.
Just leave me alone.
I would, but who's gonna put the tomato sauce on the meatloaf? I brought ice cream.
- Ah, yeah! - For Mom.
Who comes into a room and says something like that? I'm not hungry for ice cream.
Turn off the lights and let me listen to my music.
Mom, please take this in the gentlest way possible, but you're being nutso-buttso right now.
How can you be so calm about this? This is our Geoff we're talking about.
Not your Geoff.
And, yes, it hurts a lot.
But I made a difficult decision, and I need you to respect that.
And you need to respect my decision not to respect yours.
Why are you as upset as me? Because I had plans for your future.
Please don't tell me you're already thinking about our wedding.
It's mid-April.
Everything's in bloom.
[Chuckles.]
We're overlooking Bushkill Falls, the Niagara of Pennsylvania.
There's a 25-person limit, but we can push it to 200.
Sounds reasonable.
Then once we get back from our honeymoon in Hawaii yes, I am going you two will move into the Kremps' house.
So, in this world, the Kremps no longer live across the street? Not when they notice all the possums I've been sneaking into their attic.
Mom, if you care about me even a little, you need to stop this.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
This isn't about me.
I'll just back off and let you heal.
Thank you for understanding.
That's unusually normal of you.
Bevy, I know that look in your eyes.
Whatever you're thinking, don't do it.
She said the decision was difficult.
That means there's doubt, which means there's hope.
Which means she wants her mama to help her get her man back.
None of those dots connect.
Exactly.
All the dots.
I'm gonna save their love.
While my mom worked behind the scenes to save Geoff and Erica, Brea was about to take center stage.
Welcome to the court where I play my sport.
[Inhales deeply.]
The sport of theater.
The lights are so bright.
I'm sweating.
Are you sweating? Just think of this stage as a volleyball court.
I did win a district championship with 100 people watching.
The coach told me to imagine them all naked.
I knew what he meant, but he still got fired.
It's kind of the same.
The only difference is instead of slapping a ball, you're mining your deepest pain to explore the contradiction of the human experience.
Dave Kim, you getting this? "Pretentious, pretentious, volleyball.
" Got it.
He's writing a piece on me for the school paper.
Lead in the play, inspiration to others.
- It writes itself.
- How's this for a headline? "Adam Goldberg: Star in the Making.
" I like it, but it kind of says I'm not a star yet.
How about, "Adam Goldberg: A Star That Was Already Made"? - You got there yourself.
- MS.
CINOMAN: All right.
Today's sides are taken from a play written by yours truly.
Brea will be reading the role of Susan Allspice, a mysterious, unappreciated drama teacher, and Adam will be reading the role of Susan's ex, Antoine, a liar who stole her Ford Taurus.
Aaand begin.
"Baby doll, once again, I've abused your giving soul and left your car at my bookie's apartment in 'Joisey'.
What are you gonna do about it?" In that moment, it was clear.
A young actor was about to be completely overwhelmed onstage.
I said "What are you going to" "Do about it? I'm done 'doing' when it comes to you, Antoine.
I do and I do and I do, when all the world says, 'don't.
'" Unfortunately, I was the overwhelmed actor.
"But you're my, uh, baby doll?" "But that's over now.
Because this Allspice will never - flavor your world again.
" - [Mouthing words.]
"Now, go! Go manage your brother's Chick-fil-A in Sarasota, where they're used to chickens as big as you!" Ow.
That was dead-center nipple.
We've found our lead! Brea, you inhabited that part.
And how was I, Ms.
Cinoman? Eh.
You'll get there.
Everyone, welcome Brea Bee to our band of merry players! While I felt blind-sided by my stage partner, my mom was preparing an ambush of her own.
Wait.
Is that It is.
Geoff Schwartz! What are the chances? Down the street from my parents' house? Pretty high.
Well, this is a happy co-ink-a-dink, because I have some stuff you left at our house.
Okay, you can just put those things in the back.
- Or just climb in and crush my sunglasses.
- [Car door closes.]
Here's the elegant "Gerica" sweater that reminds you of the good times.
That's clearly not mine.
Oh, and a bottle of Erica's favorite perfume.
Wow.
That's gotta bring back some memories, huh? [Coughing.]
My eyes! - It's so searing and evocative! - Mm.
Look.
Her diary.
Oopsy.
I opened it.
"Dear diary, I sure do miss Geoff's snuggly body.
I wish he could go back to being my loverboy.
" It's obvious you're trying to get me to go back to Erica.
How dare you? I'm just a concerned citizen randomly walking the neighborhood with the possessions of my daughter and her former loverboy.
Please stop saying "loverboy.
" Does "boy lover" feel more natural? It does not.
I guess someone can't have an open and honest conversation.
I'm sorry.
It's just, however hard you think this breakup is for you, it's harder for me.
- Geoff, I know.
- Thank you.
But I will 1,000% get you back together, whether you want me to or not.
- [Car door closes.]
- You left your box! Geoff, that [bleep.]
isn't mine.
After my girlfriend crushed her audition for the play, I had no choice but to use every acting trick in the book to keep up.
I like New York, unique you-nork.
Ah, damn you, unmuscular tongue! Ugh! I like New York.
Not a fan.
Providence, Rhode Island that's a city.
New York is irrelevant, Dad.
I'm using an acting technique to improve my stage voice.
You know who's a great actor? The Fall Guy, Lee Majors.
Very handsome.
Acting isn't entirely about appearance, but I could see how you'd make that mistake.
They paid $6 million for that guy a bargain.
Sounds like you're a big fan.
Go ahead say an emotion, and I'll say "Lee Majors" in that emotion.
How about happy? Lee Majors! - Angry.
- Lee Majors.
- Confused.
- Lee Majors? - Bored.
- Lee Majors.
No, I meant I'm bored.
Now, scram.
What are you doing now? I'm using your insensitive dismissal to evoke real tears.
What is that? Trapped gas? - Lay on a pillow.
- Gah! This is pointless! Not a single person can summon up tears out of nothing.
But it turns out there was one person.
Her name was Brea Bee.
Her acting was so nuanced, so touching, so incredibly soul-wrenching that, at the next rehearsal, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Even that guy was crying.
Chills.
Clio, Erato, Calliope, your legacy lives on through the scarlet goddess that is Brea Bee.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's pump the brakes a little.
So she got the sprinklers working.
Big deal.
"Big deal"? That was transcendent.
This is going in the article.
Which article? My article? You're still a part of it.
Adam Goldberg, what's it like to perform opposite someone who's wildly more talented than you? As my spotlight dimmed, Barry and Joanne were getting - new attention from my mom.
- [Knock on door.]
[Gasps.]
There they are my new favoritest couple.
Mom, y-you can't just come barging in.
I mean, what if we were smooching? Nothing makes me more excited than my son showing affection to another woman.
I'm super comfortable with a lot of weird stuff, but whaaa? You know, the other night, I did not adequately acknowledge your budding relationship, but from here on out, I pledge you my motherly support, yeah.
- [Sighs.]
- Wow.
Yes.
That's all I ever wanted the whole time.
Oh, yay! Now that you cutie-patooties have found each other, I can switch all my plans from Geoff and Erica over to you.
What exactly does that mean? Joanne, have you ever been to Bushkill Falls? Yes, we took a family trip there once.
I got super carsick.
It was just like [gags.]
Well, there you go.
You're gonna love getting married there.
Married? What the hell are you talking about? Oh, and, Joanne, you're gonna need to speak to your father about securing a massive down payment for the Kremps' house.
Will do.
Uh, also, w-why, exactly? Well, you'll need a place for all the babies.
Why would I live in the Kremps' house with a bunch of strange babies? They're your babies, silly, and my grandchildren.
- All 13 of 'em.
- Oh, no.
Why didn't we stop at 12? I've always wanted to be an aunt.
Is being a mom all that different? I think maybe.
And I don't know much about babies, but they need a lot of attention.
But that's what I crave all the time.
And that's what you'll get, from me, - because I'll basically be living there.
- No.
No.
Guys, somebody stole the foosball table downstairs.
- You haven't seen it, have you? - Oh, no.
This one is ours, but I'll go help you look.
Ugh.
The world is so crazy.
A week ago, I was a law student.
Now I'm gonna be a suburban mom.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Chuckles.]
Love her.
Yeah, Mom.
I truly appreciate your support.
Just one question how do you make it go away forever? I'm afraid you can't.
I mean, it used to go to Geoff and Erica, but they're not together anymore.
Even in heartbreak, they're winning.
- Unless - Unless what? I suppose if they were to somehow get back together, I would shift all my focus back to them.
Then together I shall make them.
What a nice idea you've arrived at completely on your own.
While Barry went to fix Geoff and Erica's relationship, I had gotten some breaking news.
What the hell, Dave Kim?! This article is all about Brea.
There's nothing about me in here anywhere.
Not true.
It clearly says "Brea Bee outshines her lesser castmates.
" See? "Lesser castmates.
" There you are.
- [Bell ringing.]
- [Exhales sharply.]
Adam, can we talk in private? One-on-one time with my director? You honor me with your attention.
I've had some concerns since Brea joined the cast.
Oh, you feel it, too? The chemistry between George and Martha it's just so important to the success of the play.
And that's all we strive for.
So, I have your blessing to recast the role? In that moment, I had a choice stand up for my girlfriend, or do this.
Why are we still talking about it? It's done.
Matt Schernecke will replace you as George, and you'll be Matt's old character, Nick, who comes in later and says fewer lines.
- Wasdatnow? - This will be good for you.
Not as much memorization, you won't be constantly upstaged by Brea, and we see less of you.
Everybody wins, especially the audience.
As I watched my shot at stardom fall apart, Barry was doing whatever he could to get Erica and Geoff back together.
Oh, man, I can't believe you got me a one-on-one meet-and-greet with Gene Simmons of KISS! Hey, when my best friend needs cheering up, it's Big Tasty to the rescue.
And you know what? Gene's excited, too.
That's why he wants you blindfolded for the big reveal.
It's all so unlikely, but Gene is a showman.
I'm gonna put this trench coat on you.
Ooh, fun! Is this part of Gene's plan, too? Yep.
He also wants you to hold this boom box over your head.
He is a glam-rock superstar, so who am I to say no to his every whim? Yeah, Bon Jovi's gonna love you.
Wait, I thought you said it was Gene Simmons.
Jon Bon Jovi's gonna be here, too?! Yeah, all your musical fellas.
Just let me press play, and I'll get outta your way.
Damn it! It's dead.
We need 16 "D" batteries, stat.
What is going on? Geoff? What are you doing here? Damn it, Barry! What did you do? Only re-created the most romantic moment in movie history.
You're about to "Say Anything" Erica.
- Why would I do that? - Movie's the best! John Cusack is a kickboxer who falls in love with a girl who only reads the dictionary.
- You should see it.
- I've seen the movie.
We've all seen it.
I've actually done this exact thing before.
He really did.
And he wasn't the only one.
Yeah, at our house, "Say Anything" was pretty much the go-to big, romantic gesture.
Quite the cultural touchstone.
So, is it working? Are you guys back together, and I don't have to live in the Kremps' home?! - No.
Who put that thought in your head? - [Window opens.]
Damn it, Barry, you can't "Say Anything" them.
That's been done, like, a lot.
I know that now, Mother! Just go back inside! I have this under control.
I'm gonna get them to Dirty Dance.
We've done that, too.
They sure had.
I can't believe you, Mom.
We're broken up.
Why can't you just accept that? Because you love Geoff, and Geoff loves you, and I love you both.
I can't just let you throw it all away.
I agree.
This sucks.
And, honestly, I don't even know why it's happening.
But I do know I don't want to be here right now.
You know, this was incredibly selfish, even for you.
- [Window closes.]
- BARRY: [Chuckles.]
One of the batteries was in backwards.
That makes all the difference.
It was opening night of the school play, but all I could think about was being shut out by Brea's talent.
- Here.
- What is this? Flowers.
They told me to give them to you after the show, but then I'd have to hold them, so All right, curtain's going up.
Places.
Gah! Stupid Matt Schernecke.
- [Applause in background.]
- Stupid Brea.
Why are you calling your girlfriend stupid? Maybe 'cause she's so much better than I am.
I mean, look at her out there.
She hasn't said a word yet, and the audience is spellbound.
You don't want to support your girlfriend? Actors make a lot of money.
Lee Majors two swimming pools and a helicopter.
I don't care about Lee Majors.
I'm consumed by jealousy.
I actually considered untying a sandbag and killing Matt Schernecke, but the knot was too complicated.
Adam, do you know why I'm here? 'Cause Mom sent you.
Yes.
But I'm also here to support you in your big moment.
That's what you do for people you love.
So, break an egg.
- It's "break a leg.
" - I don't care.
My dad was right.
It was time to be supportive and let Brea have her moment.
But then again, I also wanted a moment.
Ohhh, crap.
Yep, I went completely off-book.
Hey, it's it's Nick.
Uh, we weren't expecting you so soon.
What are you doing here, Nick? Oh, you know, Nick stuff.
And it didn't stop there.
I wasn't just off-book.
I was off the rails.
[As Robin Williams.]
Ooh.
You know who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? - Virginia sheep.
Baah! - There were jokes.
[Normal voice.]
I'm a Rockette gone solo! Get it? Why is it so quiet? - There was magic - Ah! - Eh? - improv.
- I need a location.
- Off the stage! Nothing was gonna stop it.
Except this.
What the hell was that?! A human Swiss Army knife of entertainment? Adam, you ruined everything! For all of us! For me! I found something new that I really loved why would you try and take that away from me?! Oh, boy.
More tears.
Except I'm not acting this time.
[Slow version of "Heart of Glass" plays.]
Looks like someone could use some ice cream.
Don't.
Don't try to be a mom now.
You're right.
I took it too far, and I I know.
You want a wedding and grandbabies and us living next door.
I do want those things.
But more importantly, I want you to be happy, and I find it hard to believe that Geoff is not a part of that.
It is for me, too.
But, Mom, it had to happen.
He completely stopped being who he was because of me.
Soon found out I was losing my mind Did I do the right thing? Erica, I can't tell you what's gonna happen with Geoff, but I can say that from now on, the only thing I care about is you.
Thanks.
Love's gone behind Think you could lie here with me? In between Sometimes, it's hard to accept that we can't fix everything.
But luckily, there are certain things we can.
Good news.
Love is so confusing, there's no peace of mind Due to the overwhelmingly negative response to my performance tonight, they rescheduled the play for tomorrow, as long as I promise not to go anywhere near the stage.
Mm.
Sure.
Nothing like the excitement of a second opening night.
I know! I-I'm What I did was unforgivable.
I was jealous and petty.
I just thought tonight was my moment, so I couldn't stand that it was yours.
I'm the world's worst boyfriend.
I mean, the world's a big place, but you're definitely near the bottom.
It's just, you're so damn good.
It's unfair.
You really think so? Brea, I know.
You gotta go back out there tomorrow, 'cause if you don't, I'll never forgive myself.
Mm.
It's tempting to let you suffer a little, but I guess I could give it another shot.
Me or the play? - Lost inside - Both.
Adorable illusion, and I cannot hide In life, we have plans for the way we want things to go.
But life doesn't always work that way.
Please don't push me aside It's full of surprises.
Some of them are wonderful.
- Yeah - [Applause.]
Whoo! And some of them are heartbreaking.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh But whatever the future may hold, it's the support of the people we love that helps us carry on.
Ooh-ooh Whoa-oh-oh [Ding!.]
Super important relationship business.
We need a new couple name.
Yeah, Bear-Jo just isn't poppin'.
Guys, this isn't a good time.
I'm emotionally drained.
Perfect.
I'll start.
Big and Little Tasty.
Joanne featuring Barry.
PB and J minus P.
I deserve this for introducing them.
The Jo-fessor and Barry Anne.
- What? - Bo-Bo McJoJo.
- No.
- Jarry and Boanne.
- Barryana Joans.
- Please.
- The Beauty and Joanne.
- That doesn't make sense.
- Roberto Clemente.
- Th That one.