According To Jim s08e18 Episode Script

1 COME ON, GIRLS.
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
OOPS.
HONEY, YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT? GEE, HONEY, YOU'LL BE BACK IN 20 MINUTES.
JIM.
YOU GOT 20 MINUTES.
EAT UP.
IT WAS A LOT CUTER EIGHT YEARS AGO.
YES! IT'S DANA! JIM, JIM, DANA AND RYAN ARE HERE.
OH, GREAT, HONEY.
THANKS FOR THE HEADS-UP.
I'LL BE IN THE GARAGE.
JIM! NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? TELL 'EM I'M IN BED.
BETTER YET, TELL 'EM I'M DEAD.
JIM! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME MY SISTER'S BEEN BACK SINCE THEY MOVED TO CALIFORNIA.
WOULD IT KILL YOU TO ACT EXCITED? CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHO YOU MARRIED.
UNLESS IT'S ABOUT SPORTS, STEAKS OR FIREWORKS, I DON'T GET EXCITED.
OH.
OH! HI! HI! HELLO, HELLO, MWAH! OH! HEY, JIMMY! HEY, RYAN! DANA.
JIM.
(exhales deeply) OKAY, I GUESS WE'RE DONE HERE, RIGHT? STOP IT! COME, SIT DOWN, RELAX.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
(singsong voice) WE HAVE SOME VERY BIG NEWS FIRST.
(singsong voice) MANDY AND I HAVE SOME VERY BIG NEWS.
OH.
HEY, DANA.
HEY, ANDY, MY NEWS FIRST.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
MY NEWS FIRST.
WELL, WHAT'S THE NEWS? COME ON.
YOU FINALLY GOT A GIRL TO GO ON A SECOND DATE WITH YOU, SO YOU GOT ENGAGED OH, AND WE'RE SO EXCITED! DANA COULDN'T LOSE HER BABY WEIGHT, SO SHE GOT PREGNANT.
AND I'M GOING TO THE GARAGE.
STOP IT! THIS IS GREAT NEWS.
WOULD YOU JUST ACT EXCITED? FINE, FINE, FINE! I'M EXCITED, I'M EXCITED.
I AM SO EXCITED! OH, WHEN ARE YOU DUE? OH, DO YOU HAVE A DATE SET YET? IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL? DON'T YOU GO WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING WITHOUT ME! OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD! I'M SO EXCITED! HOW'S THAT? HEY RYAN.
(indistinct conversations) (chokes) (muttering) (indistinct conversations continue) (grunts) (coughs) I THINK JIM WANTS TO PLAY CHARADES.
CHERYL, I THINK HE'S CHOKING.
WHAT? OH, MY GOD! JIM! (Jim coughing) JIM, JIM, ARE YOU OKAY? JIM! JIM! SAY SOMETHING! COME ON, MAN! (Jim coughing, harp playing) WHERE AM I? CHERYL? I THINK SOMETHING'S BURNIN'.
(engine rumbling) DANNY! DANNY! OH, DANNY, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, MAN.
UH, YOU'VE GOTTA GIVE ME A RIDE HOME.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HOLD ON A SECOND.
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE I WHEN I HUG YOU AROUND THE WAIST, SO I'LL PUT MY HANDS ON YOUR SHOULDERS.
(chuckles) NO, LISTEN, MAN.
I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS AND SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU.
GREAT, GREAT, WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS? WE'RE GONNA BE HANGING OU TOGETHER ALL THE TIME! YES! WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS? WE'RE DEAD.
DEAD? DANNY, I-I WAS HAVING THIS GREAT YEAR, AND THEN I CHOKE, AND IT'S OVER.
I FEEL LIKE I'M THE CUBS.
YOU ARE GONNA LOVE IT UP HERE.
YEAH? THE BEER'S FREE, THE BAND'S ALWAYS GREAT, AND YOU GET TO RIDE YOUR MOTORCYCLE WITHOUT A HELMET! OH, GREAT.
WELL-- WELL, HOW DID YOU DIE? RIDING MY MOTORCYCLE WITHOUT A HELMET.
OH, DANNY.
GO AND CHECK IN WITH THAT GUY THERE.
I'LL SEE YOU FOR DINNER.
WE'RE AT HARRY CARAY'S TABLE! ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE SURE TO BRING MY LIVER.
THAT'S THE OTHER THING ABOUT UP HERE.
YOU DON'T NEED A LIVER.
AW, YEAH! (starts engine) SEE YOU LATER! I'LL SEE YOU AT DINNER.
GREAT! (man) ENJOY HEAVEN.
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
ENJOY HEAVEN.
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
ENJOY HEAVEN.
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
EXCUSE ME.
ENJOY HEAVEN.
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
(exhales deeply) SO HOW DID YOU GO? I TOOK A BULLE SAVING MY FAMILY.
HOW ABOUT YOU? YEAH.
SAME THING.
ENJOY HEAVEN.
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
HOW YOU DOIN'? HEY.
HOW'S IT GOIN'? HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE, UH, WELCOME BAG? YOU THINK I CAN GET TWO? (alarm blaring) WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, DID I WIN SOMETHING? AM I, LIKE, THE, UH, MILLIONTH CUSTOMER? APPARENTLY, YOU'VE BEEN RED-FLAGGED.
AW, HELL.
POTENTIALLY, YES.
NOW WHERE AM I? GOD, IS THAT YOU? YES, GOD, OH GOD, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
UH, UH, THEY WON'T LET ME INTO HEAVEN.
UH, UH, CAN YOU SAY A FEW WORDS FOR ME? DO YOU KNOW A GUY? (Southern accent) JIM, I AM THE GUY.
WELL, WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT THEN? OH, I GET IT.
I GET IT.
I CAN'T GO INTO HEAVEN UNTIL I DO JURY DUTY, RIGHT? I NEED TO REVIEW THE MERITS OF YOUR LIFE, AND IF EVERYTHING CHECKS OUT, WE'D BE HAPPY TO HAVE YOU IN HEAVEN.
BUT, OF COURSE, IF IT DOESN'T THEN ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE, BABY! (laughs maniacally) SEE WHAT I DID? I CAME IN AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME.
WHOO-HOO! UH, DOES, UH, HELL HAVE A GIFT BAG? FOR YOU.
NICE COLOR.
(screaming) (screaming stops) (laughs) SPEAKING ON YOUR BEHALF, JIM, WILL BE THE PERSON WHO LOVES YOU MOST IN THE WORLD.
OH, THANK GOD.
I MEAN, THANK YOU.
I'M HERE FOR YA, JIM! WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE'S CHERYL? SHE LOVES YOU, BUT NOT THE MOST.
ANDY, ARE YOU DEAD? NO, NO, I'M FINE.
GOD JUST BORROWED MY SOUL.
I GOT DECADES BEFORE I KICK IT, RIGHT, GOD? WE REALLY SHOULD GET STARTED HERE.
AND, JIM, ARGUING MY CASE WILL BE THE PERSON WHO DESPISES YOU MOST.
THERE'S MY GIRL.
(laughs) AND HOW'S THAT BABY OF MINE DOING? (laughs) OH! DEVIL, STOP, YOU'RE SO BAD.
OOH.
HOW COULD YOU BE WITH SOMEONE SO EVIL? HE'S NOT THAT BAD.
I'M TALKING TO HIM.
YOU KNOW, JIM, FOR YEARS I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU TO GO TO HELL.
THIS TIME IT REALLY MEANS SOMETHING.
(laughing) COME ON, ANDY, DO SOMETHING.
HEY, DON'T WORRY, BUDDY.
I GO YOUR DEFENSE ALL PLANNED OUT.
GOD, I'D LIKE TO CALL TO THE STAND YOUR SON JESUS.
JEEZ, YOU CAN'T CALL JESUS.
I USED HIS NAME IN VAIN AT THE SUPER BOWL.
NOT A PROBLEM.
HE FORGIVES EVERYBODY.
PLUS, I'M HOPING HE AUTOGRAPHS MY BIBLE.
GOD, GOD, UH, UH, PERMISSION TO SMACK MY LAWYER IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY THE SORT OF THING THAT WILL GET YOU INTO HEAVEN.
IT WAS WORTH IT.
ACTUALLY, THE LADY GOES FIRST.
CALL YOUR WITNESS.
KYLE, TELL US ABOU THE BUTLER INCIDENT.
THINK BACK.
(ringing) MM-HMM.
WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE, SIR? (haughty voice) WELL, WE MAY BE GOING OUT LATER, SO HAVE THE CAR WASHED.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
HE MADE HIS 8-YEAR-OLD SON WORK AS HIS BUTLER.
OH, COME ON, DANA.
YOU KNOW KYLE AND I LIKE TO PLAY BATMAN.
HE LIKES TO BE ALFRED.
WHICH IS GREAT, BECAUSE THEN I'M ROBIN.
OH PLEASE.
YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT A LITTLE KID ENJOYS PRETENDING TO BE A BUTLER? OOH, IT'S 3:00.
GOD, SHALL I MAKE YOU SOME TEA? SURE.
LONG ISLAND.
HI, GIRLS.
(both) HI, AUNT DANA.
I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING REALLY NICE FROM CALIFORNIA.
OBJECTION! SHE DIDN'T BRING ME BACK ANYTHING FROM CALIFORNIA.
SIT DOWN.
LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR DAD AND THE PIZZA MAN.
UH, THAT'S 35 MINUTES.
PIZZA'S FREE, RIGHT? WELL, I WOULD HAVE BEEN ON TIME, BUT YOUR HOUSE DOESN'T HAVE ANY NUMBERS.
NONE OF THE HOUSES ON YOUR STREET HAVE NUMBERS.
DAMN NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS.
THE TRICK TO DELIVERING PIZZA IS GETTING THE NUMBERS RIGHT-- MM-HMM.
ALL RIGHT, HE'S GONE.
GIRLS, COME HERE QUICK.
HELP ME PUT THESE NUMBERS BACK BEFORE YOUR MOTHER GETS HERE.
WAIT.
BUT WON'T THE PIZZA GET COLD? YOU'RE RIGHT.
PUT THIS PIZZA IN THE OVEN, ALFRED.
(British accent) VERY GOOD, SIR.
HE STOLE PIZZA, AND HE MADE HIS KIDS HELP.
I DID NOT STEAL THAT PIZZA! I GOT THA BECAUSE OF THE RULES.
WHAT RULES? IF IT'S NOT DELIVERED IN 30 MINUTES, IT'S FREE.
THEY EVEN CALL I THE CHALLENGE.
YOU HID YOUR HOUSE NUMBERS.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES I A CHALLENGE.
HEY.
IF LOVING PIZZA IS A REASON TO SEND SOMEONE TO HELL, SEND US BOTH.
ANDY, YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME HERE.
HEY, RYAN.
HEY, HONEY.
HOW'S MY LITTLE BUN IN THE OVEN? OH, HE'S A LITTLE DEVIL.
YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
RYAN, YOU AND JIM ARE FRIENDS, RIGHT? WE'VE MET.
TELL US ABOU HOW HE'S EVIL INCARNATE.
OH, WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY HE'S-- DO IT! HE TRIED TO RUIN MY MARRIAGE MULTIPLE TIMES.
ODD-NUMBERED ANNIVERSARIES JUST AREN'T THAT IMPORTANT.
IT IS YOUR DUTY TO MAKE YOUR WIFE CRY EVERY SIX WEEKS.
NEVER EVER CALL YOUR WIFE BY HER FIRST NAME.
THANKSGIVING? THANKSGIVING?! (crying) HE EVEN ME GROW THIS STUPID GOATEE, AND I HATE IT.
NICE JOB CRYBABY.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
I CAN DEFEND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THOSE STATEMENTS.
OKAY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THANKSGIVING? THANKSGIVING? YOU MEAN THE DAY THAT WE SET ASIDE EACH YEAR TO GIVE THANKS FOR ALL THE GIFTS THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN? NOTHING.
NOTHING.
HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THE OLE ANDY MAN HAS GOT SOME MOVES LEFT.
YOUR HONOR I'D LIKE TO CALL TO THE STAND A GREAT MAN--ME.
CAN I DO THAT? WELL, IT'S A HAIL MARY, BUT I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THOSE.
SO (slaps stand) TELL US A LITTLE BI ABOUT YOUR FRIEND JIM.
WELL, HE'S NOT JUST MY FRIEND.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
WOULDN'T YOU SAY HE'S YOUR ONLY FRIEND? NO, NO AT ALL.
I HAVE LOTS OF OTHER FRIENDS.
LIKE WHO? YOUR MOM? YOUR DEAD FATHER? THE ROBOT YOU BUIL TO PLAY CHESS WITH YOU? (cries) SHUT UP.
JUST SHUT UP.
(high-pitched voice) ANDREW, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? (normal voice) NOT NOW, MOM! I'M TESTIFYING! (deepens voice) DO NOT TALK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT! (robotic voice) KING TO ROOK FOUR.
CHECK AND MATE.
(cries) "S" OF A "B"! I CAN'T TAKE IT! OBJECTION! TO WHAT? TO HIM AS MY LAWYER.
GOD, I WOULD LIKE TO REPRESENT MYSELF.
WELL, A MAN WHO ACTS AS HIS OWN LAWYER HAS A FOOL FOR A CLIENT.
YEAH, WELL, WHOEVER SAID THA DIDN'T HAVE HIM AS A LAWYER.
I WOULD LIKE TO CALL MY WIFE, CHERYL, TO THE STAND.
HI, BABY.
óRALE, DUDE.
THAT'S YOUR WIFE? I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
I MARRIED THE HOT SISTER.
CHERYL, TELL EVERYBODY WHAT A GREAT GUY I AM.
I HAVE THE PERFECT STORY.
(laughs) I BET YOU HAVE THOUSANDS OF STORIES.
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT STORY.
LAST YEAR OUR CHURCH NEEDED A NEW ROOF, AND JIM OFFERED TO PUT ONE ON AT COST.
HE DID A GREAT JOB, AND OUR HOUSE OF WORSHIP-- YOUR HOUSE-- WAS WARM AND DRY AGAIN.
(heavenly choir sings) THAT'S RIGHT.
I FIX CHURCHES.
THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY I AM.
I'M A CHURCH FIXER.
I CAN'T HAVE A CHURCH FIXER IN HELL.
(scoffs) COOL IT, SALLY.
YOU SAY THAT HE DID A GOOD JOB.
IS THE ROOF STILL THERE? WELL, SADLY, A FEW WEEKS LATER, THE ROOF WAS RIPPED OFF BY A WINDSTORM.
OH, REALLY? WAS IT NAMED HURRICANE JIM? (grunting) (thud) PAY YOUR BILLS, REVEREND! EVERYBODY KNOWS "AT COST" MEANS MATERIALS PLUS LABOR.
(thunder crashes) YOU SEE THAT, REVEREND? EVEN GOD'S MAD AT YA! YOU REPOSSESSED THE ROOF OF OUR CHURCH? WELL, YOU KNOW, JIM GIVETH AND JIM TAKETH AWAY.
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
I DON'T BLAME THEM FOR NO WANTING TO LET YOU INTO HEAVEN.
GOD, UH, CAN I HAVE A SIDEBAR WITH MY WITNESS? I'D SAY THAT'S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA.
(lowered voice) CHERYL, COME HERE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL A STORY THAT EMPHASIZES THE GOOD PART OF ME.
I THOUGH THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.
LOOK, YOU GOTTA FUDGE A FEW DETAILS, DIG A LITTLE DEEPER.
SQUEEZE OUT SOME TEARS.
AND REMEMBER, GOD IS A GUY, SO POP A COUPLE BUTTONS.
CAN WE GET A MOVE ON HERE? I GOT A TEE TIME I WANNA MAKE.
I'M PLAYING WITH BOB HOPE.
THAT GUY IS WILD.
SO, CHERYL, IS THERE ANOTHER STORY YOU'D LIKE TO TELL? WHEW! I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
IS IT ME? IS IT GETTING A LITTLE HOT IN HERE? YES, I-I GUESS IT IS A LITTLE WARM.
PLEASE CONTINUE, CHERYL.
OKAY, UM, SO THE OTHER DAY, JIM WAS, UH, VACUUMING.
(Jim) AND EXACTLY WHY WAS I VACUUMING? UH, YOU WERE VACUUMING BECAUSE WE WERE HAVING GUESTS OVER-- ORPHANS.
HI.
COME ON IN.
COME ON IN.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU KIDS? SOMETHING TO DRINK? A SNACK MAYBE? OR MAYBE SOME PARENTS? (laughs) LATER, DURING THE VENTRILOQUIST SHOW-- VENTRILOQUIST SHOW? (children laughing) ONE OF THE PARENTS NEEDED AN EMERGENCY TRACHEOTOMY.
LUCKILY, JIM WAS CARRYING A PEN.
I'M STARTING TO THINK YOU ASKED YOUR WIFE TO LIE TO ME.
WELL, IN MY DEFENSE, I THOUGH SHE'D DO A BETTER JOB.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL THEM? HOW YOU LIKE TO MOON THE NEIGHBORS? WHO, OLD LADY NELSON? OH, COME ON.
SHE GETS A THRILL OUT OF IT.
I KEPT HER ALIVE FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS.
I THINK WE HEARD ENOUGH.
THE GUY'S A BUM.
GOD, GIVE HIM TO ME.
LET ME HAVE HIM.
I'M SORRY, JIM, BUT I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO.
W-W-W-WAIT, GOD.
GOD, CAN--CAN I ASK JIM ONE QUESTION? FINE.
BUT YOU'RE EXPLAINING THIS TO BOB HOPE.
JIM, THINK BACK.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE FOUGH ABOUT LAST SATURDAY NIGHT? WHY SHOULD I STOP MOONING OLD LADY NELSON? SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
SHE STILL LOOKS.
LOOK, CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHO YOU MARRIED.
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME.
AND THE FIGHT WE HAD THE WEEK BEFORE THAT? CHERYL, CHERYL, IT IS NOT TAX EVASION WHEN I USE THE FALSE IDENTITY.
COME ON, BABY.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU MARRIED.
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME.
AND LAST FALL? THANKSGIVING? THANKSGIVING?! (sighs) CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHO YOU MARRIED.
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME.
IT'S WHAT YOU'VE SAID IN EVERY FIGHT WE'VE EVER HAD.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, GOD? HE'S RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY I ACCEPT HIM FOR WHO HE IS.
WELL, THEN YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME, CHERYL.
I JUST CAN'T LET HIM IN.
COME ON.
LET'S GO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU GET YOUR HAND OFF HIM, MISTER.
OFF.
OFF.
AY, MAMITA.
I DID PICK THE WRONG SISTER.
CHERYL.
CHERYL, THAT-- THAT'S OKAY.
Y-YOU TRIED.
AND IF I GOTTA GO TO HELL, AT LEAST I GOT TO HEAR YOU SAY I WAS RIGHT ONE LAST TIME.
OH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IF HE'S GOING TO HELL, I'M GOING WITH HIM.
WHAT? OH, YEAH, WHEN I GET DOWN TO EARTH, I'M GONNA ROB A BANK, KICK A PUPPY AND MOON OLD LADY NELSON.
Y-YOU REALLY DO LOVE ME, DON'T YOU? BUT NOT AS MUCH AS ME.
I'M GOING TO HELL, TOO.
LET'S ALL GO TO HELL.
YEAH.
DOES HELL HAVE A WELCOME BAG? SERIOUSLY? YOU'D ALL GO TO HELL FOR JIM? I GUESS WE'LL BE THE HAPPIEST FAMILY IN HELL.
OBJECTION! HE CAN'T HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY IN HELL.
YEAH, THAT'LL RUIN EVERYTHING.
WELL, I CAN'T HAVE HIM UP HERE WITH ME.
WELL, I GUESS I GOT NO CHOICE BUT TO SEND YOU BACK TO EARTH.
(cheering) YES! YES! YES! OH, CHERYL, THANK YOU.
OH, HONEY.
YOU KNOW THERE'S NO WAY YOU WERE GETTING INTO HEAVEN WITHOUT ME.
(laughs) THAT'S THE REASON I MARRIED YOU.
AW.
OH, JIM! OH, ANDY.
ANDY.
I'M JUST SO HAPPY! ANDY.
ANDY.
ANDY.
(grunts) (spits) I'M SO GLAD I FLEW ACROSS THE COUNTRY FOR THAT.
(coughs) UM, HONEY, ARE--ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH.
YEAH.
I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND THERE I WAS A GONER.
YEAH, IT'S A GOOD THING ANDY WAS HERE TO JUMP IN FRONT OF THE DOCTOR AND GIVE YOU THE HEIMLICH.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I WAS IN HEAVEN, AND--AND GOD WAS DECIDING WHETHER I SHOULD GO TO HEAVEN OR HELL.
WISH I'D BEEN THERE.
I COULD HAVE TOLD HIM SOME STORIES.
YOU WE THERE.
EVERYBODY WAS THERE.
IT W--IT WAS LIKE A TRIAL.
AND IN THE END, GOD DECIDED TO GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE.
SO NOW YOU'RE GONNA LIVE YOUR LIFE DIFFERENTLY? AND BE NICER TO EVERYONE? MM.
AND ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH? AND SET A GOOD EXAMPLE WITH ACTS OF KINDNESS? AND TREAT US WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT? AND LEARN TO TREAT LIFE LIKE THE GIFT THAT IT IS BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT MIGHT BE YOUR LAST? OH, WOW.
WE'RE ALL GOING.
UM DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS? NO.
I'M GONNA STAY JUST THE WAY I AM.
(all) WHAT? WELL, GOD DON'T WANT ME.
THE DEVIL WON'T HAVE ME.
THE WAY I FIGURE IT, IF I NEVER CHANGE, I'LL LIVE FOREVER.
(laughs) (all) NO! OH.
OH.