M*A*S*H (MASH) s08e18 Episode Script

[ Phone Ringing .]
- [ Rustling .]
- [ Ringing Continues .]
[ Klinger .]
MASH 4077.
He's asleep, and so am I.
[ Handset Clatters.]
I'm gonna put a ''Do Not Disturb'' sign on the phone.
I'm askin' for time and a half.
[ Yawns .]
Oh, he's gonna kill me.
[ Potter Yawning .]
Come in.
- Sir, telephone.
- [ Potter .]
Telephone.
! It's 3:30 in the blessed a.
m.
.
! Even the roosters are comatose.
- [ Klinger .]
So was I a minute ago.
- All right, all right.
If this fella isn't a general I'm gonna sing him a four-letter aria he won't forget.
You call yourself a company clerk.
What happened? Your pencil break? You couldn't take a message? Don't blame me, sir.
The man said it was very important.
Potter! And this better be good.
Oh, I see.
That bad.
You're sure? Well, test results don't lie.
Okay, thanks.
Thanks very much.
Klinger.
- Snap to, grunt.
- Klinger, Maxwell Q.
- Reporting as threatened, sir.
- I gotta head out to Tokyo.
Grab a fistful of phone and get me a flight out.
Is the colonel suggesting I do it first thing in the morning? The colonel is suggesting you do it first thing immediately.
- Meantime, I'll go pack.
- Yes, sir.
Oh,just one thing, sir.
While you're gone, who's gonna be head honcho in charge? - Uh, Pierce'll do.
- Well, begging your protocol, sir but won't that get Major Winchester's nose out of joint - and possibly mine, when I tell him? - It's Pierce, Corporal.
I make the decisions around here.
You just explain 'em.
Yes, sir.
Oh, but if we need you, where will you be, sir? - Tokyo General.
- Hospital? What for, sir? I'm gonna visit a sick friend.
- Oh, Beej, listen! You hear that? - [ Birds Chirping .]
- No.
I don't hear a sound.
- Exactly.
And that's because since I assumed the mantle of command this place has been humming along like a well-oiled marine.
Hawk, the only order you've given in two days is for a double scotch.
All part of my master plan, leadership by lack of example.
- I command by doing nothing.
- I know the feeling.
Second grade, I was hall monitor in a one-room schoolhouse.
Yeah, well, you better get to work.
Here comes your whole class.
Hi, I'm Betty Halpern, Red Cross.
We're looking for some doctors.
What a coincidence.
We're looking for some patients.
This is Dr.
Pierce, benevolent despot.
I'm Dr.
Hunnicutt, loyal subject.
- Who are your friends? - Refugees.
Their village was shelled, burned to the ground.
I'm taking them south to relocate.
Nothing spoils a neighborhood faster than artillery.
- Any serious wounds? - Well, no, but we had to hide out in some farmland to avoid a North Korean patrol.
Wound up in a patch of thorny bushes.
Scratched everyone up bad.
- We could use some first aid.
- These kids have a lot of scratches.
- Some puncture marks too.
- We better inoculate them for tetanus.
- Is that really necessary? - Yeah, I think so.
There's probably a lot of manure around.
We don't want to take any chances.
All right.
[ Speaks In Korean .]
- Where do you want us? - We can use the Mess Tent.
It's right over there.
Just follow the bouncing meatball.
We're inoculating some Koreans, sir, but that's all.
Don't worry.
You got me here to keep things under control.
Buffalo bagels.
Did you get at those weekly reports or are you just sitting there with your feet up, smoking my cigars? [ Grunts .]
Working, sir.
Uh, busy as a beaver.
Uh, got your reports half finished.
I want them all ''finitoed'' by the time I get back tomorrow.
And another thing, has a package arrived for me? Just your laundry, sir.
They starched your shorts again.
Damn! I haven't stopped chafing from the last batch.
Listen, if that package comes in, you guard it with your very life.
- Sounds important, sir.
What is it? - Mind your own beeswax.
But if anything happens to that package you'll be peeling spuds till Idaho makes you their state bird.
- Do you read me? - Loud and fearful, wrathful leader.
- [ Children Squealing .]
- Children! Children! Please! It's not nice for little boys and girls to behave like lunatics! Hey, take it easy, champ.
It's just a simple little test.
- [ Speaking Korean .]
- There.
See? Nothing to it.
How long before you know if they're allergic? -Just a couple of minutes.
- Oh, good.
[ Speaks Korean .]
- You're a heartless woman, Betty Halpern.
- Ah, I love kids.
The late Mr.
H.
and I raised three.
These children are like a second family.
I'm not having much luck with these children, Mrs.
Halpern.
Maybe you could quiet them down.
- After all, you speak their language.
- Glad to, Father.
[ Loud Whistle .]
Okay, everybody! Pipe down! - [ Chuckling .]
- Eh, I guess it's all in the delivery.
What's wrong? You got a blister or something here? What is it? Let me see that.
- Uh-oh.
Dr.
Pierce.
- Yeah.
- Look.
- What is it? She's having a reaction to the serum.
- Same thing over here, Hawk.
- All these people are reacting.
What we need now is cool, calm leadership and thanks to Colonel Potter's dubious selection-- [ Chuckles .]
-- we have none.
- We have to dilute.
- Why, what's the problem? Full strength inoculations could put them into anaphylactic shock.
I'll make arrangements for everybody to stay overnight.
I'm really sorry for all this fuss.
I appreciate your help.
Well, don't be too grateful.
You haven't eaten dinner yet.
- [ Giggling .]
- Hey.
hey.
! Come on, slugger.
- It's time to go beddy-bye.
- [ Door Slams .]
Put 300, 400 pounds on this guy, you got yourself a great sumo wrestler.
No, thanks.
I'm overmatched as it is.
You know, at night there's nothing I like better than to sit back relax, and think of these kids over a good, stiff belt.
After a couple of rounds with these half-pints - I could use a couple of quarts myself.
- I'm not in shape for this.
! I got ya! [ Laughs .]
That was a nice broken-field run, Crazylegs.
[ Klinger .]
And he huffs, and he puffs and he can't blow the house down.
And you know what happens then, Rita? I call you Rita after my favorite movie star.
You're as pretty as she is.
Anyway the Big Bad Wolf slides right down the chimney.
- [ Whistles Descending Tone .]
- [ Crying .]
Hey.
Hey, what's wrong? Oh, don't worry.
Nothing's gonna hurt you here.
Come on, now.
I'll finish the story tomorrow night.
Honest.
It has a happy ending.
- Okay.
- Night, kids.
Sweet dreams, kids.
God knows, you deserve 'em.
Thanks for the buggy ride.
[ Children Chattering .]
What's going on here, open house? [ Chattering Continues .]
Klinger, I'm-- Who in the name of Annie's argyles are all these kids? Ah, sir, welcome back to the black hole of Korea.
- How's your friend in Tokyo? - Never you mind.
I asked you, who's this? Oh, this is Private Rita, executive assistant clerk.
Cute as a bug in a Persian rug, isn't she, sir? She's a Korean Myrna Loy all right.
But what is she and the Dalton Gang doing here? I told you about them on the phone.
They came in here for shots.
But things got a little complicated.
Dr.
Pierce says no problem.
- Fine! Did my package arrive? - No, sir.
The mail hasn't come in yet.
- Ah! - Sir, this girl is a prodigy! She just typed ''dribnif,'' and correctly, I might add.
Wonderful.
Take a lesson from her.
I'm gonna go unpack and eat.
Don't mind him.
It's his shorts.
Those kids can pack it in.
Yeah, well, I always did enjoy having breakfast in Bedlam.
[ Chuckles .]
Mmm.
Eggs.
Yeah, those are eggs.
- I guess I need an interpreter.
- [ Speaks Korean .]
Well, you have to understand the army's sense of humor.
- [ Laughs .]
- Hey, the colonel's back! Oh, sir! Come over here and sit with us.
Colonel, welcome back to P.
S.
4077.
I'm happy to report that things are both hunky and dory.
I return your sword of command, sir.
- How's your friend in Tokyo? - I'm not in a talking mood, Major.
Oh, how do you do, ma'am? Oh, Colonel.
this is the lady who brought us all the kids.
Betty Halpern, Colonel Sherman Potter.
You two have a lot in common.
- You're both in charge of children.
- My pleasure.
How do you do, Colonel? We came here with quite a problem.
- Your people are really helping us out.
- So I hear.
What's the trouble? They all needed tetanus inoculations, but they're reacting to the skin tests.
Every one of them is allergic to it, and we can't figure out why.
I'll tell you why.
The only meat these folks get is horsemeat.
It sensitizes the whole system.
You're using horse serum, aren't you? They're allergic to it.
Of course.
Given time, I would have deduced the same thing.
I kinda doubt that, Charles.
You have absolutely no horse sense.
- Clomp your foot twice if you disagree.
- [ Laughing .]
Nothing to joke about.
It's a tragedy people have to eat horses.
They're beautiful animals.
You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly.
We're doing 'em a favor by eating 'em.
Saves them the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning.
But a horse, that's a noble beast.
Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion.
Where do people get off making pork chops out of'em? Too much killing in this world.
Too much death.
No respect for people, for tradition, for life.
The whole world's spinning down the tubes, and nobody even seems to notice.
I don't know.
I-- Uh.
I think I'll go check on the mail again.
Good day, ma'am.
Hey! A letter from my Cousin Fatima! [ Sniffs .]
Ahh, everything she touches smells like jasmine.
Klinger, I'm gonna scuttle your butt if you don't move it.
Consider it moved, sir.
Oh, wait a minute! Here's something! ''To Colonel Sherman Potter from Smith, Smith and Brown, attorneys-at-law.
'' - I don't trust those names, sir.
- Can the critique and give me that.
I bet I can guess what it is.
Gimme a hint.
Curiosity kayoed the feline, Klinger.
I'd take note of that if I were you.
And in case you don't I'm locking this up in my desk.
Oh, one other thing.
As long as you're doing postal duty, deliver these.
- Sir, may I ask-- - No.
! Okay, ten shots-- one every two hours.
Ah, a mere 20 hours until we're released from the munchkin horde.
- Have you been hoarding munchkins again? - Not worthy of you.
Hi-ho, medicos.
I bring you written greetings from our inscrutable leader.
- Pierce, Hawkeye.
- Ah, undoubtedly a letter of commendation for the outstandingly average manner - in which I ran our unit.
- Wrong, defrocked chieftain.
All the Indians got them-- Father Mulcahy, Major Houlihan even me, a lowly brave.
- Winchester, Charles.
- Eh, curiouser and curiouser.
- What does this contain, Klinger? - Beats me, and I read mine.
- Hunnicutt, B.
J.
- Ah, I'm all aquiver.
''You are invited to my tent tomorrow night at 1 900 hours.
Cordially, Sherman Potter.
P.
S.
That's an order.
'' - I don't understand.
- You won't believe what was left on my door.
- The crowd thickens.
- Let me guess.
Does it look like this? - You got one too? - We all did.
Hello, all.
Say, I just received the most peculiar-- Oh.
Does anyone know what this means? I do.
We're all invited to Colonel Potter's tent for an after-dinner riddle.
Klinger, did he say anything when he gave these to you? No.
Just ordered me to deliver 'em and made a beeline for his office - with that package he got today.
- Package? What was in it? - with that package he got today.
- Package? What was in it? I don't know, but he's been antsy about getting it ever since the trip to Tokyo.
- Came from some lawyers.
- Lawyers? Why would he be hearing from lawyers? - Divorce? - That's stupid.
Who would divorce that sweet, wonderful man? - Maybe it's, uh-- Maybe it's a lawsuit.
- Tax problem.
Or a will.
Uh, I don't wish to sound ghoulish, and, mind you I-- I pray I'm assessing the evidence incorrectly but what if-- what if the sick friend with the bad lab report is a ruse - and it's Colonel Potter who's sick? - No.
- Nah.
- Don't even think that.
- Let's not jump to conclusions.
- Agreed.
But that would explain the phone call, the trip to Tokyo - his mood, and the package from lawyers.
- Yes, it would.
Look, if he's ill, we'll find out soon enough.
- I'm sure he'll tell us in his own way.
- Maybe he is.
- Okay, they're ready.
- [ Children Chattering .]
I told Colonel Potter we all wanted to talk to him.
- And? - No soap.
He says he'll explain everything tomorrow night.
Until then, he wants to be left alone.
- No news is frustrating news.
- Klinger, you're supposed to be spying on him.
- Didn't you find any clues? - He's too shifty.
Oh, ridiculous.
Surely, you noticed something.
- What was he doing when you left? - Nothing much.
Just sitting in his office, listening to French records.
French records? That does it.
I'm gonna talk to him.
Relax, Margaret.
You can't be a mother hen to a man old enough to be your father, all right? All right, but the waiting is killing me.
Okay, step right up.
First come, first shot.
- Come on, honey.
- Three doctors, no stalling.
?? [ Melancholy Violin On Phonograph .]
[ Chuckles .]
?? [ Continues .]
Wait.
Come here, son.
Right over here.
I don't bite.
You like the old Victrola, huh? Me, too.
Yeah, round and round.
That's ''Roses of Picardy,'' top of the hit parade in W.
W.
I.
Got some memories in here too.
See? That private is me in Paris.
I was just a kid.
Thought the mustache made me look grown up.
Did, too.
[ Chuckles .]
That's me, honest.
Course, then, I didn't have this snow on the roof.
Seems like only yesterday.
Yep.
Life was a kind of a ''now you see it, now you don't'' proposition.
It was all in front of me then though.
Like it is now for you.
You're off to a kind of a rough start, but I bet you've got some glorious times ahead of you.
I just pray to God they stop this war and forget how to make any more of'em.
Hey, you know what I picked up in Tokyo? Some fudge.
Go on.
Try some.
It's top-notch, honest.
Watch.
Mmm! ?? [ Continues .]
Mmm! [ Klinger.]
Okay, kid, this is it.
It was just a brief encounter, but I'll be thinking about you.
I always give my heart too easily.
- Well, when you gotta go-- - So long, Betty.
Next time you're in the neighborhood, drop in for a booster.
[ Laughs .]
Thanks, Doctor, we'll do that.
- You people have been a real shot in the arm.
- [ Chuckles .]
- God be with you.
- I appreciate it, Father.
- [ Grunts .]
- We can use all the blessings we can get.
- Good-bye and good luck.
- See ya.
Thanks.
- Don't throw any spitballs at the driver.
- [ Charles Laughs .]
- Whatever you do, don't pick up any snipers.
- A good idea.
- [ Bus Engine Starts .]
- [ Overlapping Farewells .]
- Terrific bunch of kids.
- Yeah.
- Well, here we are.
- Sure are.
I guess we can just go on in.
- Uh, that's right.
- Maybe we're early? - Yeah.
- I-I wanna know, but I don't wanna know -you know? - I know, yeah.
Well, we can't, uh, put this off forever.
Somebody knock on the door.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, all right, I'll-- I'll do it.
Entrez-vous.
Father, glad you could make it.
Margaret, come on in.
Why don't you sit here? Pierce, thanks for coming.
- B.
J.
- Colonel.
- Klinger.
- Sir.
- Major.
- Sir.
Now, I know I've been acting a little goofy lately.
But there's a good reason for it.
- Colonel.
- What's with her? I'd do the same thing if I didn't think you'd slug me.
- What's that supposed to mean? - We're worried about you, Colonel.
Rest assured, Colonel.
You have our total support.
Right.
We're behind you all the way, sir.
No matter what the problem may be.
Thanks, Padre, I appreciate that, I suppose.
Now, if you'll all put the tear ducts on simmer I'll lay out the whole story.
I guess you're wondering about the old-fashioned getup.
Well, now that you mention it-- Yep.
Still smells like mothballs.
It was a long time ago-- And I've put on a dozen or so pounds since then.
We were in France, under a heavy artillery barrage.
My buddies and I laid low in an old French château.
We were quite a group, the five of us.
Went through hell together and lived to get drunk about it.
What a great bunch of guys.
That's us.
I'm the one mugging for the camera.
Anyway, there we are in this château.
So Stein finds a cache of fine brandy, and we sat up all night.
The shells were screaming, and we were singing and toasting our friendship.
Then we got down to the last bottle-- this, uh, very bottle here.
Any of you know what a tontine is? Yes.
A tontine is a pledge.
Give that man a cheroot.
The five of us made a pledge.
We'd save this bottle, let some legal eagle stow it for us and whoever turned out to be the last survivor of the group well, he'd get the bottle and drink a toast to his old buddies.
For good or bad, you're looking at the last survivor.
I got the job when Gresky passed on in Tokyo.
He had the bottle sent here - God rest his soul.
- So that's what it is.
- Ohh.
Colonel, we thought you were sick.
- Thank God I was wrong.
I was sick,just thinking how all my friends are gone now.
Felt a little sorry for myself, too, getting up in years.
But I'm looking at things a bit different now.
I've been a very lucky man.
I've had some wondrous,joyous times.
That's what counts.
We were so alive back then.
It was something.
But, as much as my old friends meant to me I think you new friends mean even more.
So, I'd like you to share this bottle with me.
We'd be honored, Colonel.
Uh, pass it around, would you, Pierce? As I recall it was mighty smooth in '1 7.
Well, it should be magnificent now.
Just one thing.
I'd like to make the first toast solo to my old buddies.
Here's to you, boys.
To Ryan, who died in W.
W.
I, the war to end all wars.
To Gianelli, who died in the war after that.
To Stein, the joker of the crowd.
And to Gresky, my best friend who just passed away in Tokyo.
You were the friends of my youth.
My comrades through thick and thin and everything in between.
I drink to your memories.
I loved you fellows one and all.
Still mighty smooth.
Okay, that's the old.
Now, for the new.
To love and friendship.
- Sir! What's-- - Don't ask! -Just take a memo! - Yes, sir.
''To all laundry personnel.
As of this date ''the use of starch in laundering clothing is expressly forbidden, especially my shorts!'' Send it out, quick!