That '70s Show s08e18 Episode Script
We Will Rock You
Fez, guess what I just got The new Village People album ! How many songs can they write about where men go to massage each other ?! The navy These boys never let me down.
Disco sucks, man.
It's painful to listen to.
It makes me wanna shoot myself.
It's the musical equivalent of Jackie.
Wow.
Look at these guys, their music is so bad they need to wear disguises just so people don't beat the crap out of them.
Oh I heard how in Chicago they made a huge bonfire of disco records.
Also they cover their hotdogs in pastrami.
It's freakin' awesome.
Man, we should have our own bonfire.
I'm sick of corporations selling crap to kids that dumbs them down and makes them act stupid.
Hey, I can sell beer at the bonfire ! I have tons of old disco records we can burn.
What ?! I was young and what did you expect ? See the hair ? You guys are aweful.
Disco has been great to me.
Without disco, if I rub my crotch on a girl it's illegal.
With disco, it's a bar mitsva ! See, disco has given Fez and I some of our best times together.
Oh, like remember the night when we beat Johnny and Melina at that dance-off ? Ah, we kicked their gold-lamé asses ! Oh you know what, I heard that Johnny is working at a carwash.
Yeah, uhuh, we did that to him ! Jackie be nice Car wash he's poor ! You see that, see, we got a trophy and and the satisfaction of learning that we ruined two peoples lives.
So you can have your little bonfire, but we're not going.
Yeah I'm going to Weight Watchers to pick up women.
The thin ones are great but they have low self-esteem.
That way, you get a hot chick for fat girls prices ! Wait, wait, Fez.
Hey, maybe we should go.
You know, and defend the music that we love.
As a team.
Sure, what the hell.
Weight Watcher meetings will always be there.
God bless the dairy state.
We never run out of fat girls.
Pretty clever there, Jackie.
Using a disco bonfire as a way to cozy up next to the guy you secretly love.
You know it kinda reminds me of a song Jackie loves the foreign boy, ola, taco ! Look, I am not gonna sit back and let Fez try to pick up other women.
Much less fat chicks.
Yeah, I mean maybe if we go together, he'll see that we're perfect for each other.
So, I'm coming.
Fine.
But if you get in the way of me setting things on fire, you're getting set on fire.
That '70s Show - 8x18 - We will rock you Red, I invited the new neighbours over for coffee and cookies.
That way I can bad-mouth the rest of the block before they do it to me.
Kitty, I don't wanna meet new neighbours.
I had to wait twelve years for the old ones to croak.
Always wanted to talk and say "Helloooo".
Dumbasses.
Oh, okay they're here.
Now, be nice.
I haven't met the wife yet, but the husband Josh was very sweet.
He's a car salesman and he told me he could give me a great deal on a ?? just because he likes me.
Although he has to go and ask his supervisor first.
Hello Josh ! Hi Kitty.
Good to see you again ! This is Jeff.
- Hi Jeff ! Where's your wife ? - You're looking at her ! The only lady in my life is my little palmorini, Tina Louise.
Who is going to the pound if she doesn't stop humping my cowboy boots.
We are not having this conversation here Okay, well I'm confused.
So, you two live together but I only saw the movers bringing in one bed.
Ohhhh Well Congratulations ! Look Red, the new neighbours are here and they're a couple of fellas Wait a second.
- You guys live together ? - Yep.
- Without any wives of girlfriends ? - Yep.
- You know what I call guys like you ?! - Oh dear Lucky bastards ! Well, the bonfire looks pretty sturdy.
But remember, when the flames get too high, you saw the foreign kid play with the matches.
Hey.
Who was that girl you were talking to ? Oh, Lisa Conner.
A girl I dated a couple of years ago when I was a camp counselor.
Oh.
I never knew you were a camp counselor.
It didn't last too long.
Apparently, going out on a canoe trip with six kids and coming back with five is a big no-no.
Hey man.
How much for a beer ? One dollar.
Awesome.
There you go.
Now, if you want it in a cup, that's an extra three bucks.
Oh, and there's a two dollar pouring charge.
You want six bucks for a beer ?! You can always go to the other place.
There is no other place.
Whadayaknow Looks like I got what you call a monopoly.
You have change for a ten ? Nope.
There he is officer ! Here's the guy who is responsible for this illegal gathering of dirty and ugly people.
These two tell me you organised an illegal bonfire ? You two narked on me ? What ? You stand there and accuse me of narking ?! No sir, no, I did not nark.
What's nark ? Calling the cops.
Oh yes we narked.
That's right Steven.
Because Fez and I both feel that burning disco records is wrong.
Just like burning books but worse, because disco tells a story.
This is a disco burning bonfire ? That's fantastic ! Disco sucks ! Ah.
What do you know Degenerate, cop, having a beer together.
It's a disco-sucking miracle.
You know I'm taking an astronomy class in college right now.
You see those three stars in a row right there ? Uhuh.
That's Virgo.
That's an airplane.
I do not go to a good school.
- Oh my God, Randy ?! - Linda ? - Oh my god ! Missy is here too ! - Is she ? Oh my god ! I'll go get her ! Who was that ? Uh Linda.
I dated her.
And her sister, Missy.
Not together, there was a summer in between them.
Summer was their cousin Wow.
I'm dating a man-slut.
Look, I'm sure you dated a lot of people too.
I mean, if we took all the people I've dated and all the people you've dated - and put them in a room together - We'd have a room full of girls, and Eric ! What do you guys have against disco ?! It's the only thing white people can dance to ! Hey uh, Jackie.
I was thinking of a way to get back at you, calling the cops and all that.
And then it hit me.
You're only here to get with Fez.
So I figured, why not find the skankiest, sluttiest, drunkest chick here give her three more beers and then introduce her to Fez.
- Oh you wouldn't ! - Oh I already did.
- You didn't ! - I just said I did.
- You wouldn't dare ! - I did ! Turn around and look ! Enjoy your evening Fez ! Uh, what are you doing ? It's fantastic ! Every time I say disco sucks, Kelly sticks her tongue down my throat ! Watch : disco sucks ! It's like a magic trick ! But uhm Fez, you're supposed to be here with me ! Beside, don't you know about rocker chicks ? They all have syfilis.
- Do you have syfilis ? - Uhm, I don't think so.
That's good enough for me baby ! What a game ! That quarterback's eleven for twelve with no interception.
- He is hot ! - Ridiculously hot Oh, another cookie ? - What ? - Nothing.
I just thought we were trying to slim down for the Bahamas.
Well excuse me Mr.
Two-Scoopes-Of-Sugar You guys don't need wives, you bicker like an old married couple ! Red, I need to talk to you in the kitchen.
Kitty, I'm watching the game Ohh fine.
You know I wish there was a bar we could go to where there'd be no women, just guys.
I know a few I am having it ! Okay Kitty, what is it ? It's about the neighbours, there is something you should know.
TOUCHDOWN ! Dammit see what you made me miss ?! Kitty, I think those guys are gay ! Red, you can't hide from Jeff and Josh all night ! Not all night.
Just till they eat all the cookies and decide to skip home.
Red Forman ! Our neighbours are gay, so what ? At least they'll keep the place nice and our property values will go up.
What am I supposed to say to them now ?! You've been talking to them the whole game, you knew what to say then.
Well that was before I saw them kissing in my living room ! Didn't bother you last night, when you saw Abbott kiss Costello.
Well that was different.
They had to do that to fool the landlord.
- Hey Red, can I borrow some socks ? - No.
Bob, we're having a crisis here.
Our new neighbours are gay ! They're gay ? Aw great, now they're gonna be all over me.
What the hell are you talking about ? I can't explain it.
Men find me attractive.
Yeah everybody wants a piece of the Pinci.
Well Red, you can't let them sit in there all night ! What if they rearrange my furniture ?! Fine ! I'll I'll  talk to them.
Okay, but handle it gracefully ! Well of course I will ! Give me a little credit.
Good night guys ! I have to go throw up again ! Okay Hurry back Hey Fez ! Village People, what are you doing here ? We came to put a stop to your disco-bonfire.
Plus my Mom was in Kenosha, so you know two birds with one stone.
Can you keep a secret ? I love disco.
Yeah, I'm just pretending to hate it so I can get with girls.
You guys know how that is, right guys ? So, let's talk about Jackie.
You two came here together to defend disco and you abandoned her to make out with some skank you're never gonna see again.
- Aaaand ? - And ? It's wrong.
What do we have to do, spell it out for you ? Because we can, with carefully choreographed arm movements You're right.
I totally let Jackie down.
You are one wise Indian.
Actually I'm Puertorican.
This is just a gig.
Okay, I'm done vomiting.
Wanna finish making out ? I would love to.
But I can't for two reasons.
One : I have somewhere to be.
And two : you have some spagetthi right here So it turns out, Randy had dated every girl here.
I can literally throw a rock and hit a girl he's dated.
In fact, earlier I did.
She's gonna need stitches.
Oh, I remember that girl.
I sold her a bandaid for 8 bucks.
Where did you find a bandaid ? I pulled it off some guy who's passed out.
Donna ! Donna look what I found.
This is Sarah.
A girl I've never dated, who I don't wanna date and who doesn't want to date me.
- Right Sarah ? - That's right.
Although you are kinda cute.
Goodbye Sarah.
Would you like to go out sometime ? - Go away Sarah.
- Call me ! Man, the keg's tapped.
Looks like everyone took a turn.
Just like with Randy.
Alright.
It's time to light this bonfire Rockers of Point Place ! It is time for fire !!! No, Steven no, you can't burn these records ! You're right Jackie, I can't.
Because I'm too drunk.
Randy ! Come burn these records ! - Stop ! - Fez ? You came back ! Jackie, I need to tell you something, something about you and me.
Really ? Yes, this whole time I was off making out with that girl and all of a sudden it felt wrong.
- It did ? - Yes.
I shouldn't have been with her.
I should have been with you.
Oh my God.
Fez, I wanted to hear that for so long.
Loo- I feel the same way.
I realised something and I want everyone to know it ! Jackie Burkhart and I are in love ! With disco ! Wait.
.
what ? Yeah, and I will not stand by and let you set fire to this muscial, booty-shakin' masterpieces ! That's unfortunate So you did pretty well tonight.
Yup.
And I learned a valuable lesson about art versus commerce.
The lesson is : I'm rich.
Good for you man.
But I'm gonna have to write you a little ticket for disturbing the peace and that's gonna cost you about How much you got there ? - 208 bucks.
- 208 bucks ! Fine.
Uhh, officer Ron ? You don't wanna buy your badge back ? Oh, uh, and your car ? Oh, this whole night has been a nightmare.
You know I thought Fez was gonna tell me he loved me, but no, he was just trying to be a good friend.
Ugh, what a jerk.
Jackie, everybody could use another friend.
Well except Randy.
What are you looking at bitch ?! Avon calling ! Josh ! Jeff ! You're back ! Look Red, Josh and Jeff are back ! Heyyy men Red, we just wanted to come by and thank you.
- Thank me ? - Yeah.
It's not that easy for two guys like us to just move in to a new neighbourhood and make friends.
But you welcomed us into your home with open arms.
Well sure You're a couple of decent guys.
Not before he had his coffee Like you're a ray of sunshine ! Anyway, you've been great.
The last place we lived, we had to tell people we were brothers.
Who would ever believe that the two of us could be brothers ?! Anyway, we wanted to give you this, you know, to say thanks.
What is it ? Fruit-cake.
Well, that's clever ! It's a dessert and an ice-breaker ! Well, what do you say we all sit down and watch the Packers kick the crap out of the Vikings, huh ? Well, we like the Vikings What did you say ? You're Viking-fans ?! What the hell is wrong with you ?! Get out of my house ! Red come on, it's not our fault.
We're from Minnesota.
We were born this way ! Out ! Out ! Sicko's ! Well thanks a lot Red.
Now I'll never know what rug ties this room together.
Thank you.
Next please.
Pokpokpok, hi guys ! I love it, that's exactly what we need ! Leather guy, you're out, Chicken you're in.
Halleluja !
Disco sucks, man.
It's painful to listen to.
It makes me wanna shoot myself.
It's the musical equivalent of Jackie.
Wow.
Look at these guys, their music is so bad they need to wear disguises just so people don't beat the crap out of them.
Oh I heard how in Chicago they made a huge bonfire of disco records.
Also they cover their hotdogs in pastrami.
It's freakin' awesome.
Man, we should have our own bonfire.
I'm sick of corporations selling crap to kids that dumbs them down and makes them act stupid.
Hey, I can sell beer at the bonfire ! I have tons of old disco records we can burn.
What ?! I was young and what did you expect ? See the hair ? You guys are aweful.
Disco has been great to me.
Without disco, if I rub my crotch on a girl it's illegal.
With disco, it's a bar mitsva ! See, disco has given Fez and I some of our best times together.
Oh, like remember the night when we beat Johnny and Melina at that dance-off ? Ah, we kicked their gold-lamé asses ! Oh you know what, I heard that Johnny is working at a carwash.
Yeah, uhuh, we did that to him ! Jackie be nice Car wash he's poor ! You see that, see, we got a trophy and and the satisfaction of learning that we ruined two peoples lives.
So you can have your little bonfire, but we're not going.
Yeah I'm going to Weight Watchers to pick up women.
The thin ones are great but they have low self-esteem.
That way, you get a hot chick for fat girls prices ! Wait, wait, Fez.
Hey, maybe we should go.
You know, and defend the music that we love.
As a team.
Sure, what the hell.
Weight Watcher meetings will always be there.
God bless the dairy state.
We never run out of fat girls.
Pretty clever there, Jackie.
Using a disco bonfire as a way to cozy up next to the guy you secretly love.
You know it kinda reminds me of a song Jackie loves the foreign boy, ola, taco ! Look, I am not gonna sit back and let Fez try to pick up other women.
Much less fat chicks.
Yeah, I mean maybe if we go together, he'll see that we're perfect for each other.
So, I'm coming.
Fine.
But if you get in the way of me setting things on fire, you're getting set on fire.
That '70s Show - 8x18 - We will rock you Red, I invited the new neighbours over for coffee and cookies.
That way I can bad-mouth the rest of the block before they do it to me.
Kitty, I don't wanna meet new neighbours.
I had to wait twelve years for the old ones to croak.
Always wanted to talk and say "Helloooo".
Dumbasses.
Oh, okay they're here.
Now, be nice.
I haven't met the wife yet, but the husband Josh was very sweet.
He's a car salesman and he told me he could give me a great deal on a ?? just because he likes me.
Although he has to go and ask his supervisor first.
Hello Josh ! Hi Kitty.
Good to see you again ! This is Jeff.
- Hi Jeff ! Where's your wife ? - You're looking at her ! The only lady in my life is my little palmorini, Tina Louise.
Who is going to the pound if she doesn't stop humping my cowboy boots.
We are not having this conversation here Okay, well I'm confused.
So, you two live together but I only saw the movers bringing in one bed.
Ohhhh Well Congratulations ! Look Red, the new neighbours are here and they're a couple of fellas Wait a second.
- You guys live together ? - Yep.
- Without any wives of girlfriends ? - Yep.
- You know what I call guys like you ?! - Oh dear Lucky bastards ! Well, the bonfire looks pretty sturdy.
But remember, when the flames get too high, you saw the foreign kid play with the matches.
Hey.
Who was that girl you were talking to ? Oh, Lisa Conner.
A girl I dated a couple of years ago when I was a camp counselor.
Oh.
I never knew you were a camp counselor.
It didn't last too long.
Apparently, going out on a canoe trip with six kids and coming back with five is a big no-no.
Hey man.
How much for a beer ? One dollar.
Awesome.
There you go.
Now, if you want it in a cup, that's an extra three bucks.
Oh, and there's a two dollar pouring charge.
You want six bucks for a beer ?! You can always go to the other place.
There is no other place.
Whadayaknow Looks like I got what you call a monopoly.
You have change for a ten ? Nope.
There he is officer ! Here's the guy who is responsible for this illegal gathering of dirty and ugly people.
These two tell me you organised an illegal bonfire ? You two narked on me ? What ? You stand there and accuse me of narking ?! No sir, no, I did not nark.
What's nark ? Calling the cops.
Oh yes we narked.
That's right Steven.
Because Fez and I both feel that burning disco records is wrong.
Just like burning books but worse, because disco tells a story.
This is a disco burning bonfire ? That's fantastic ! Disco sucks ! Ah.
What do you know Degenerate, cop, having a beer together.
It's a disco-sucking miracle.
You know I'm taking an astronomy class in college right now.
You see those three stars in a row right there ? Uhuh.
That's Virgo.
That's an airplane.
I do not go to a good school.
- Oh my God, Randy ?! - Linda ? - Oh my god ! Missy is here too ! - Is she ? Oh my god ! I'll go get her ! Who was that ? Uh Linda.
I dated her.
And her sister, Missy.
Not together, there was a summer in between them.
Summer was their cousin Wow.
I'm dating a man-slut.
Look, I'm sure you dated a lot of people too.
I mean, if we took all the people I've dated and all the people you've dated - and put them in a room together - We'd have a room full of girls, and Eric ! What do you guys have against disco ?! It's the only thing white people can dance to ! Hey uh, Jackie.
I was thinking of a way to get back at you, calling the cops and all that.
And then it hit me.
You're only here to get with Fez.
So I figured, why not find the skankiest, sluttiest, drunkest chick here give her three more beers and then introduce her to Fez.
- Oh you wouldn't ! - Oh I already did.
- You didn't ! - I just said I did.
- You wouldn't dare ! - I did ! Turn around and look ! Enjoy your evening Fez ! Uh, what are you doing ? It's fantastic ! Every time I say disco sucks, Kelly sticks her tongue down my throat ! Watch : disco sucks ! It's like a magic trick ! But uhm Fez, you're supposed to be here with me ! Beside, don't you know about rocker chicks ? They all have syfilis.
- Do you have syfilis ? - Uhm, I don't think so.
That's good enough for me baby ! What a game ! That quarterback's eleven for twelve with no interception.
- He is hot ! - Ridiculously hot Oh, another cookie ? - What ? - Nothing.
I just thought we were trying to slim down for the Bahamas.
Well excuse me Mr.
Two-Scoopes-Of-Sugar You guys don't need wives, you bicker like an old married couple ! Red, I need to talk to you in the kitchen.
Kitty, I'm watching the game Ohh fine.
You know I wish there was a bar we could go to where there'd be no women, just guys.
I know a few I am having it ! Okay Kitty, what is it ? It's about the neighbours, there is something you should know.
TOUCHDOWN ! Dammit see what you made me miss ?! Kitty, I think those guys are gay ! Red, you can't hide from Jeff and Josh all night ! Not all night.
Just till they eat all the cookies and decide to skip home.
Red Forman ! Our neighbours are gay, so what ? At least they'll keep the place nice and our property values will go up.
What am I supposed to say to them now ?! You've been talking to them the whole game, you knew what to say then.
Well that was before I saw them kissing in my living room ! Didn't bother you last night, when you saw Abbott kiss Costello.
Well that was different.
They had to do that to fool the landlord.
- Hey Red, can I borrow some socks ? - No.
Bob, we're having a crisis here.
Our new neighbours are gay ! They're gay ? Aw great, now they're gonna be all over me.
What the hell are you talking about ? I can't explain it.
Men find me attractive.
Yeah everybody wants a piece of the Pinci.
Well Red, you can't let them sit in there all night ! What if they rearrange my furniture ?! Fine ! I'll I'll  talk to them.
Okay, but handle it gracefully ! Well of course I will ! Give me a little credit.
Good night guys ! I have to go throw up again ! Okay Hurry back Hey Fez ! Village People, what are you doing here ? We came to put a stop to your disco-bonfire.
Plus my Mom was in Kenosha, so you know two birds with one stone.
Can you keep a secret ? I love disco.
Yeah, I'm just pretending to hate it so I can get with girls.
You guys know how that is, right guys ? So, let's talk about Jackie.
You two came here together to defend disco and you abandoned her to make out with some skank you're never gonna see again.
- Aaaand ? - And ? It's wrong.
What do we have to do, spell it out for you ? Because we can, with carefully choreographed arm movements You're right.
I totally let Jackie down.
You are one wise Indian.
Actually I'm Puertorican.
This is just a gig.
Okay, I'm done vomiting.
Wanna finish making out ? I would love to.
But I can't for two reasons.
One : I have somewhere to be.
And two : you have some spagetthi right here So it turns out, Randy had dated every girl here.
I can literally throw a rock and hit a girl he's dated.
In fact, earlier I did.
She's gonna need stitches.
Oh, I remember that girl.
I sold her a bandaid for 8 bucks.
Where did you find a bandaid ? I pulled it off some guy who's passed out.
Donna ! Donna look what I found.
This is Sarah.
A girl I've never dated, who I don't wanna date and who doesn't want to date me.
- Right Sarah ? - That's right.
Although you are kinda cute.
Goodbye Sarah.
Would you like to go out sometime ? - Go away Sarah.
- Call me ! Man, the keg's tapped.
Looks like everyone took a turn.
Just like with Randy.
Alright.
It's time to light this bonfire Rockers of Point Place ! It is time for fire !!! No, Steven no, you can't burn these records ! You're right Jackie, I can't.
Because I'm too drunk.
Randy ! Come burn these records ! - Stop ! - Fez ? You came back ! Jackie, I need to tell you something, something about you and me.
Really ? Yes, this whole time I was off making out with that girl and all of a sudden it felt wrong.
- It did ? - Yes.
I shouldn't have been with her.
I should have been with you.
Oh my God.
Fez, I wanted to hear that for so long.
Loo- I feel the same way.
I realised something and I want everyone to know it ! Jackie Burkhart and I are in love ! With disco ! Wait.
.
what ? Yeah, and I will not stand by and let you set fire to this muscial, booty-shakin' masterpieces ! That's unfortunate So you did pretty well tonight.
Yup.
And I learned a valuable lesson about art versus commerce.
The lesson is : I'm rich.
Good for you man.
But I'm gonna have to write you a little ticket for disturbing the peace and that's gonna cost you about How much you got there ? - 208 bucks.
- 208 bucks ! Fine.
Uhh, officer Ron ? You don't wanna buy your badge back ? Oh, uh, and your car ? Oh, this whole night has been a nightmare.
You know I thought Fez was gonna tell me he loved me, but no, he was just trying to be a good friend.
Ugh, what a jerk.
Jackie, everybody could use another friend.
Well except Randy.
What are you looking at bitch ?! Avon calling ! Josh ! Jeff ! You're back ! Look Red, Josh and Jeff are back ! Heyyy men Red, we just wanted to come by and thank you.
- Thank me ? - Yeah.
It's not that easy for two guys like us to just move in to a new neighbourhood and make friends.
But you welcomed us into your home with open arms.
Well sure You're a couple of decent guys.
Not before he had his coffee Like you're a ray of sunshine ! Anyway, you've been great.
The last place we lived, we had to tell people we were brothers.
Who would ever believe that the two of us could be brothers ?! Anyway, we wanted to give you this, you know, to say thanks.
What is it ? Fruit-cake.
Well, that's clever ! It's a dessert and an ice-breaker ! Well, what do you say we all sit down and watch the Packers kick the crap out of the Vikings, huh ? Well, we like the Vikings What did you say ? You're Viking-fans ?! What the hell is wrong with you ?! Get out of my house ! Red come on, it's not our fault.
We're from Minnesota.
We were born this way ! Out ! Out ! Sicko's ! Well thanks a lot Red.
Now I'll never know what rug ties this room together.
Thank you.
Next please.
Pokpokpok, hi guys ! I love it, that's exactly what we need ! Leather guy, you're out, Chicken you're in.
Halleluja !