The Office (US) s08e18 Episode Script

Okay.
Bye.
Everyone stop what you're doing.
I have terrible news.
Dwight is no longer with us.
What? He's gone, damn it! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.
So He's alive.
Yeah.
That was him on the phone.
He sounds wonderful.
Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.
If Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure? Uh You guys, we've gone over this.
There is no treasure.
When the team left for Tallahassee, Dwight told everyone not to touch his treasure.
Don't touch my treasure.
Okay? You understand? Obviously, he wants us to obsess about it.
There's nothing in there.
Which is obviously what he would want us to think, making it the perfect place to hide a treasure! Oh, God, I'm Wallace Shawn The Princess Bride! I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure.
That's not Dwight.
No.
I am dying to know what's in there.
Yeah, I know, Oscar.
We all are.
But nobody's gonna open it.
You'd have to be insane.
Hi, hello.
Now carefully open the box.
It's a photo of all of us.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Well, I mean, I don't know that it's poison.
I mean, I just have to imagine.
God, I'm glad he's okay though.
Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all.
Wow! Well, Mr.
Ball, it's been a pleasure.
Now give my regards to hell! Dah! All right! Well swung, my VIP VP.
I am loving the chemistry between you two.
I am so happy.
Dwight is gonna be working alongside me.
We are a regular Archibald and his man George.
I bet.
I'm excited.
Trick! There's no such thing.
It's not even a real English duo.
Ahh! I just made you look like the Goat of Dover.
And that doesn't exist either.
You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples.
Boing! Oh, that reminds me.
Little something from all of us.
Oh, my gosh.
Thank you, Jim.
That's so thoughtful.
Fore! - Oh, yeah! - He doesn't even care.
Don't even care! This is the last time I'll ever see Dwight.
It's a weird feeling.
It's, um What's the word? It's not bittersweet.
It's, uh Sweet.
Yeah.
Hey, man.
Selling cookies for Jada.
Want the same as last year? Would if I could and I can, so I will.
Put me down for one box.
Don't care what it is, dealer's choice.
I'll put you down for shortbreads.
Damn it! Knock, knock.
Hey, it's Sasha's first year in the troupe, so I'm selling cookies for her.
- Anyway, would you like some? - No! - No.
- What? I've been selling here for five years.
This is my spot.
You can't claim territories.
This is the only place I interact with people.
Can't you sell at Your church or barbershop? Or Chess club? You know what? It's your first time.
Let's split the office.
You can have sales, the annex, creed.
And I don't know, I'll just take, uh - Accounting.
- That's it? Yeah, well, okay.
Thanks, Darryl.
Okay.
Great.
All I need is Kevin.
Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined, and then some.
When I first started selling cookies, he was a relatively thin man.
Not a thin man, mind you.
Relatively thin.
Hey, Lucy, I'm home! Bobaloo! - Oh, here, let me help.
- I got it.
It was so busy at the store today.
Really good cheese samples.
I had, like, a hundred.
Irene hired me as her live-in helper.
We met at the store launch.
I told her I was moving here and I needed a place.
And it just sort of made sense.
I basically do everything for her.
I run errands, I do chores around the house, I cook and clean.
Honestly, I don't know how she survived without me.
When can I introduce you to my grandson? He's a wonderful swimmer.
Shallow end, deep end.
He does it all.
Well, today might be kind of tough, Irene.
I have to talk to my old boss Andy and tell him I'm staying in Florida.
Oh, what kind of tea is this? Oh, I boiled some Gatorade.
- Oh.
- Ah! In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right, you see? We'll just chalk it up to cultural bias.
If I may Try holding the putter Here.
With your wrists here, your thumbs here.
- Oh.
- That's right.
Your little finger.
Would you like to buy some cookies? - Cookies, eh? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best fall time thinks that it's the best cold time has kind of a strut and Valentine's thinks that it's the best but gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth nothing beats the cookie season that's the truth It's not a scratch and sniff, Kev.
I know.
But sometimes you still get a little something.
Hey, you tricked me.
You just wanted Kevin.
You're new to the game.
You learned a lesson today.
- See you next year, sport.
- No, no, no.
It's not fair.
What if Kevin wants to buy cookies from me? - I do.
- See? That doesn't mean anything.
Kevin, do you wanna buy cookies from me? Oh, I definitely do.
Huh.
Hit the road, Jack.
No, you hit the road, Jack.
Hey, guys, come on.
Don't fight over me.
Why don't we split the order? It's only fair.
No, wait, no.
I'm buying, I make the rules.
I actually do want you to fight over me.
I wanna be wined and dined and sixty-nined.
Ugh.
Metaphorically sixty-nined.
Ew! Perverts.
No offense, Oscar.
Hop in.
We have places to be.
No rest for the wicked.
Ha ha.
All right.
So I guess this is it.
Well, Jim, I just wanna say that we haven't always gotten along.
And at times, I've even hated your guts.
But Bye-bye.
I win.
- Good-bye, Dwight.
Robert! Race you to the clubhouse.
Gentlemen's bet.
Whoo-hoo! Well, he's Florida's problem now.
Oh, let Dwight have his fun.
- Today will not be his day.
- What's that? I'm gonna tank the Sabre store at the presentation to the board.
I thought you liked the store.
The store is lovely.
You created a wonderful space to showcase our product line.
Great job! Cheers.
Thank you.
But there's a reason we sell our products online and over the phone.
Have you ever used Sabre electronics, Jim? They're cheap.
They're unintuitive.
The Sabre store would work if we adopted the carnival model of leaving town once everyone's wise to us.
Wow, when you put it that way, I guess it does sound pretty terrible.
I couldn't just kill the project from the start.
Jo Bennett endorsed it.
Shame, though I did like Dwight.
Robert! I'm gonna win! Ha ha, I'm the gentleman! Suck it! Bravo, Dwight.
Very good.
Shame.
The math is simple, folks.
Deeper market penetration, plus greater visibility, - will raise Sabre - To the power of two.
How did that look? I'm not just saying this.
That was the best thing I've ever seen.
Told you.
When you guys do that whole "power of two" shebang, how about I pop up also? I guess we'd have to say "power of three.
" Hmm, actually, you know what? Yeah! That actually works.
You'd spin-off right, I'd spin off You know what? That is a great idea.
Cathy, write that down and print it out.
It's gonna make some really good toilet paper.
All right.
There he is.
What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you.
Can I just talk to you for one quick second? What, your stylist ran out of messy spray? Um, actually it's for your own good.
I think we should You wanna do something for my own good? Turn around, walk out that door, do not stop till you get to Scranton, find my cell phone charger, mail it back to me, and then go to hell! Nice! Hey, Halpert, anyone ever tell you you look like Wooly Willie? Silence.
I'm just trying I know what you're trying to do.
I don't want it.
But your face does look like the guy from "Operation.
" It's the same guy.
- That's the joke I made.
- That's not - Different guy.
- You know what? I just think you should know That you look like the world's tallest hobbit.
Well, I tried.
You saw it.
So it's on the record.
I have a plane to catch.
Can you help me? I'm trying to make a video chat with Andy.
Just open the program and type in his username.
Can you just do it? Here, type in your password.
Erin123.
That's a terrible password.
And you don't "make a video chat" You "video chat.
" All right! Hello! That's so weird.
There's something wrong with my laptop.
Oh! I fixed it.
Oh! Now mine's broken.
Hang on.
Oh, there we go.
Aghh! He said "I did like Dwight"? He's gonna fire him.
No, no, I think it was more like, you know, "I liked him, but I don't any more, 'cause he did a bad job.
So I'm definitely gonna yell at him.
" Robert doesn't talk like that.
You have to stop Dwight from doing this.
I tried.
He will not listen.
Did you actually try your hardest? Yes.
My pretty hardest.
Look, you haven't dealt with him in a while, all right? He's like Super Dwight.
It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight or som - Stanley, back me up.
- Don't talk to me.
Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida.
But he would back me up.
If Dwight's about to get fired, you have to tell him.
Just get the words out, that's all you can do.
Okay.
All right.
What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man.
Maybe Toby from two years ago.
- Yeah.
- That's true.
If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl.
Toby's probably in bed with some model.
Thank you.
I'm not gonna comment on my personal life.
Look, I need this.
Your daughter is a pretty little girl.
Let her go door to door.
You think people are gonna buy cookies from my Chubby daughter? Baby, if you're watching this, you're not chubby.
You're beautiful.
Daddy's just gotta sell some cookies.
And we're also gonna exercise more.
It's gonna be fun.
Oh, you know what you have to do to decide? You need to make them do things for you.
And, like, buy you things.
Or have them sing that song that the frog does in Looney Tunes.
Make them kiss each other.
Make them kiss me! Eww.
Yes! This is too tan.
This right here.
- No! - This is a tan spot.
I don't buy it.
That is a freckle.
That is not a tan.
I'm gonna have to inspect it in person when you get back here.
I want you looking totally puertoriquena when I see you.
Well, Andy, I'm not coming back.
- What? - I have a job here.
I work for an old lady.
Hello! Andy? Yeah, that's awesome.
That's great.
Oh, baby, telephone and tell me I'm your own This is tough.
'Cause Darryl, you sang better and you dance better.
But Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star.
I think I've reached my decision.
I have decided That you guys are gonna keep doing things for me.
No, no, no.
It's not worth it.
- No.
- No, it's not worth it? That's too bad.
'Cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.
Yeah, okay, so what You'll buy 40 boxes? Hungrier.
Hungrier.
You're not talking Triple digits.
Oh, yeah, I'm talking triple digits.
Again.
Hello, my baby, hello, my honey hello, my ragtime gal Showtime.
- Dwight.
- You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away, you keep flying back.
You're like an amish return-stick.
Okay, great, listen to me.
No, no, I know.
Will you just let me tell you one thing, please? Yes, you may tell me one thing.
Great! Wait, do you wanna borrow money? Listen to me.
Robert is going to veto the Sabre store.
Jim, come on.
Dwight, he's gonna kill the store.
- Mm-hmm.
- And then I'm pretty sure he's gonna fire you for it.
Wait, he's gonna kill the store, - and he's gonna fire me.
- Yes.
- That's two things.
- Dwight, please.
Nice try, Jim.
Your pranks have never worked in the past, and they're not gonna work today.
Okay, first of all, they've mostly worked.
You know what, you might wanna get to the airport.
It's gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products.
- Bye! - Dwight, come Nothing is gonna stop me.
That is the mark of a great man Unstoppability.
Dunder Mifflin the farm, Mose.
All those things.
Vanish in my rearview mirror.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny.
And from what I hear, she's a Oh! Help! - Help! - Shut up.
Oh, gross! Don't lick my hand! God, why is there so much saliva? All I had to do was think about pie, and my salivary glands did the rest.
- Nah! - What, what, what, what? - Oh, my appendix.
- I'm sorry.
- My wound hasn't healed yet.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, man.
- I'm so sorry, I forgot.
Are you all right? Are you okay? Dwight! Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him.
I don't know.
He's not picking up.
Oh, look like shnoot's a no-show.
Guess he wasn't Vice President material after all.
But I am.
Put me in, babe.
I've got the info down backwards, forwards, and doggy-style.
I'm your man.
Right, let's begin then.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the Vice President of Sabre retail Mr.
Todd Packer.
'Sup? What are you doing? Oh, I'm just dealing with Erin's stuff since apparently she's not coming back and she didn't bother to tell anyone.
We knew.
Ryan told us.
Ryan, why didn't you tell me? Thought you checked my Tumblr.
You never update it.
Well, I updated it.
Does anyone else think this is weird? And, like, kind of uncool, actually? To leave us without a receptionist? We'll find another receptionist.
I mean, that's easy.
We'll be fine.
Hup, hup, hup! What are you doing? - I was trying to go - Get up, get up.
Okay, okay! All right? I'm not gonna let you by.
Then you know what? I'm gonna just have to run right through you.
Okay.
What are you doing? Are you really revving up? You know that doesn't work.
Jackie chan! Go.
Hi, this is Alex.
And this is Sam.
Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy With us.
Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day.
I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens.
Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.
Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony? Don't make me be your pony, Kevin.
- Forget it, man.
- What do you mean? I'm out.
So is Toby.
This may be wrong, but there's a limit to what I would do for my child.
Yeah, I have my dignity too.
I refuse to be another man's horsey.
No, guys! Stop! You have to sell me cookies.
I'll do anything! Hello, my baby, hello, my honey I'm even gonna kiss Meredith.
That's what That is Hmm.
That's so good.
What are you doing? No! - No, no, no! - This will end now.
- No! This is dangerous.
- Thunderslam! - Arrgh! - Oh! Anything else you need to talk about? Nope.
That was it.
Once again, it's showtime.
What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea, which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on, and then utterly botch it in execution.
If I may speak to that, I have only been Vice President of this project for the last half hour.
So the man you want is Dwight Schrute.
I don't see Dwight.
He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible.
Whatever you do Do not blame Todd Packer.
It is not his fault.
Blame his upbringing, his parents.
The society that would mold this idiotic creature.
Fire the employee, yes.
But not the man.
You may not cancel his soul.
That was never on the table.
Are you kidding? She's the queen of the whole friggin' magilla! And yet, Todd, it's you who's fired.
What I can't get fired.
I'm an institution.
I have been at this company for 20 years.
How many of you have been here that long, huh? Hey, hey! They're back.
Hey! Wait, Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida.
Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um Wow, you look great.
- Did you lose some weight? - Thank you.
For someone who actually notices this.
No, I didn't lose weight, but I started using my make up to contour my face to look skinnier.
Actually put on five pounds.
- Hey, good to have you back.
- Good to be back.
- Hey, stranger! - Hey! - Oh, I missed you.
- I missed you.
I'm going to Florida to get Erin.
I forgot to check my email.
It's crazy, right? It's just, when she said she was leaving I thought You're about to close four tabs, are you sure you want to continue? Yes.
I am sure.
Ahh! Slow computer!