All In The Family s08e19 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Okay, Meathead, I'm gonna start countin' the money.
So lock the front door there, huh? Okay.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Archie's Place.
Oh, hi.
Hi, Gloria.
No, I--I was just down here helping Archie out tonight.
We were just about to close up.
Oh, that's nice.
Hold on.
Arch, it's Gloria.
She said she and Ma had a great train ride.
Joey slept all the way to Aunt Hellen's.
I hate that fat Hellen.
Yeah, yeah, I miss you, too, honey.
Yeah, well, I won't see you the whole--the whole weekend.
Uh, no--no, honey, I-- please, I don't wanna do it now.
No, I--I can't do it now, honey.
We're not alone.
Honey.
Honey, please don't make me do it.
All right, I'll do it.
I'm kissing ears.
I'm kissing your lips.
I'm kissing your neck.
End it with the neck there.
I'm kissing your shoulders.
If you're gonna go any further, drop down to the feet.
Honey, uh, I think I better stop with the shoulders.
Tryin' to keep you in the zone of decency here.
Yeah, I'll see you Monday, honey.
Yeah, we'll pick up where we left off.
Yeah, you remind me, okay? Yeah, good-bye.
What the hell are you tryin' to do, drive me nuts? I got enough trouble with this here.
What's the matter? The cash register come up short.
I'm under 14 cents.
What's so bad about that, Oh, listen to the college man.
Don't you know nothin' about business there? Every cash register's supposed to check out on the nose.
Suppose in General Motors, you know, suppose General Motors, with that big cash register they keep back in Detroit, suppose they come out Well, they just stick another Chevy motor in a Buick.
Wise guy.
I read it in the paper.
I read it in the paper.
Forget it.
I don't wanna talk to you about that.
You're the kind of a guy that goes to a John Wayne movie and roots for the Indians there.
You do that! Come on here.
Here.
Grab one of them cases there.
Help me carry it into the back room.
Arch, you know, Joey said something so funny the other day.
Yeah, what'd he say? Well, we were taking a bath together - Hold it, hold it! - and he turned to me-- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You and Joey's takin' a bath together? Yeah.
I hope you was wearin' your bathing suits.
Who takes a bath wearing a bathing suit? Put the box down.
- What? - Put the box down.
Sit down there.
Let me tell you somethin'.
A grown man ain't supposed to take a bath in the nude with a little boy.
Why not? Oh, jeez Because when the little kid gives you the once-over there, it makes him feel so hopeless.
I don't think so.
Well, maybe not in your case.
In Japan--in Japan whole families take baths together.
Who the hell cares.
The Japs eat fish eyes, too.
What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? Didn't you and Ma ever take a bath together? Hey! Hey! Hey! Put the box down.
Sit down there.
Don't never ask me no question like that there.
In the first place, it's dirty Dirty.
And in the second place can you picture Edith and me floppin' around in the one tub? Don't look at us! Don't look at us there! It's awful.
Forget about it.
Jeez! You! Till the end of time I'll be tryin' to straighten you out.
And when they finally plant me in the end, they'll be lowerin' my box into the ground there, and my words'll come out of it: "Don't be dirty.
Don't be dirty.
" You won't even be listening then.
You won't even be at the gravesite.
You'll be over in Hong Kong with your family, taking a bath.
Where do you want this? You don't--you don't know what you done there.
No, what's the matter? Put the box down.
Would you mind openin' that door a crack for me there? Sure.
There's no door knob.
Fancy that.
Uh, how're you supposed to open the door? With the key.
Where's the key? If you could open that door a crack there, you'd see the key sticking out of the lock on the other side of that door! You mean we're locked in here? I think you have grasped the situation here.
All right, all right.
We just, uh, we just break the door down, that's all.
Ha ha ha You hurl your shoulder into that door, you're gonna have two armpits on the same side.
Oh! Gee, I'm sorry I did that! If I wasn't so made at you, I'd laugh like hell.
Well, I am not the one who left the key on the other side of the door! Oh, I am not the one who slammed and locked the door with the key on the other side.
I am not the one who didn't say, "Don't close the door.
The key is on the other side.
" I am not the one who sponged off me for five years and didn't learn nothin' but the name of "Meathead.
" I am not the one who sits and watches Korean midgets wrestling on channel 5, and thinks it's educational TV! I am not the one who sits in front of a television set for a whole hour, staring at the same orchestra.
I like symphonies! If you like symphonies, you're gonna love this [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
You dumbbell.
All right.
Let's just relax, calm down, and we'll analyze our predicament.
Forget the predicament.
Analyze your head.
I'm just tryin' to figure out what to do.
There ain't nothin' to do.
We're stuck here till Harry comes in and opens up the joint tomorrow.
[SIGHS.]
Wish there was a window in here.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
You get your wish.
There is.
Where? It's up on the far wall there.
Then that's it! That's it! - You can't get outta there-- - We can get outta here! - You can't get outta there.
- Why not? In the first place, there ain't no catch on that window by which you open that window.
So, we'll force it open.
In the second place, that window is painted shut until the second comin'.
Then we'll break the glass.
Third place [SHATTERING.]
There's bars on the window.
Now you got three.
I don't believe it.
We're trapped in here.
We're trapped in here!!! Aaah! Stop your yellin' there.
You're only trapped in here with me.
Look at who the hell I'm trapped in here with.
Hey, anybody out there?! We're locked in Archie's Place in the storeroom! The door is wide open, so come on in! And be sure to take all of Archie's money, which you'll find on top of the cash register! And be sure and take all of Archie's mon-- Ah! What? How stupid can you get, yellin' out there into an alleyway.
Don't you know the kind of people that pass through alleyways there this time of night-- nothing but the crinimal element.
But, Arch, shouldn't we at least take a chance that a decent human being will pass by? In New York??? You know what I was thinking there is that if we was lost in the snows up there in the Swiss Alps, they'd have to send out one of them Roman Catholic dogs to save us.
Roman Catholic dogs? Yeah, the St.
Bernards.
You never heard of them dogs? They run around in the mountains there, with little barrels of booze tied around their necks.
We have booze right here.
Oh, yeah.
Well, yeah, but I gotta pay for that booze.
The St.
Bernard's booze is on the Pope.
[LAUGHING.]
[COUGHING.]
That's good.
Hey Hey, look at this here.
See this here? That's an old hunk of Kelsey's awning there.
See, all the guys, they thought I should've kept this up.
But I didn't.
You know, I never missed it.
Looks like the birds never missed it either.
Well, you know, there's a lot of good luck in bird doo-doos.
You never heard that? No, I can't say that I have.
You ain't got none of that old-time knowledge, you know? I'll put this around me here I got somethin' here to keep me warm.
Huh? Thanks a lot.
Oh, jeez Move over, Mike.
Pain in the neck.
Get in.
Why is it so hard for you to be nice to me? What the hell are you talking about? I've always been nice to you.
Get outta here! You've always been rotten to me.
Ever since the time Gloria brought me home to meet you.
Do you remember the first thing you said to me? Hello? No, after that.
The second thing you said was: "Are you Jewish?" Oh.
Hey, listen.
I-If I would've been a Jewish father, that've been the first thing I said to ya.
I wish you could've seen the look on your face when I told you I was Polish.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, you know, from where I sit now maybe it would've been better if you'd have been a Jew.
Why? Because a Jew would've been smart enough so we wouldn't of got locked in the storeroom.
That is so awful.
Do you realize how awful it is when you say things like that? What the hell is awful? I just said somethin' nice about the Jews.
It's not coming out-- It's not comin' out of anything positive.
It's coming out of your prejudice.
Don't you see that? Why is it so important for you for everybody to be the same? Isn't it better? Doesn't it make life more interesting because we're different? I mean that we're all different shapes, different sizes, and different colors? Don't go on and on.
I know all about differences.
The Lord made all them differences, you know? I'll tell you somethin' The Lord wanted the sames to stay over with the sames and the differents to be over there with the differents.
HeyDid you ever read that story of Noah's Ark in the Bible there? - Yes! - Well, you know then the animals come up the gang plank into that Ark, they come up in twos, see? The same with the sames and the different with the different.
So, the tiger, he come up with the tigeress.
And the lion, he come up with the lionette.
The zebra, he come up with the zebrella.
The elephant, he come up with theuh Well With what? Ah, jeez, I forget the term.
But you know the point I'm tryin' to make is the elephant didn't come walkin' up there with a Pollack! I have told you a thousand times, I don't like it when you call me Pollack.
Why do you have to call me Pollack? I'm a human being! A human being! Why can't you think of me as a human being?! Because you're an animal.
You was like a wolf comin' in there after my little girl.
Not this again!!! Yes, this again!!! Then and now and forever and always! It's only natural there that the father-in-laws is gonna hate the sons-in-laws.
'Cause they'd take away--hey! When I took away Edith, Edith's old man-- that was the reason that he hated me! He said he had a whole lot of other reasons, but that was the reason.
No, I think there were other reasons, too, Arch.
Ohthat's you.
You're never on my side of nothin' there.
You don't even know or never even met Edith's father, and you're taking his side over me.
You're takin' the side of a man with no chin and a go-funny eye.
Who used to tell longer stories than Edith.
And they was worse 'cause he told them to you with bad breath.
But I ain't surprised because in all the family arguments, you ain't never on my side.
What do you mean I ain't been on your side? - I've been on your side many-- - No What about when you wanted to buy the bar? And you forged Ma's signature? I traced! I traced it! There's a hell of a difference between a trace and a forge! All right, I'm saying trace! And I understood at the time you had that little thing with the waitress.
Oh, for God's sake, ain't the world ever gonna forget about my little thing? No! I suppose not.
Well[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
to the world.
Hell with the world.
The world out there, kid, ain't up to no good, right? You don't trust nobody out there except for your own kind.
And you remember that, Meathead.
That's another thing: Meathead.
Why must you always call me Meathead? What the hell? Why does that bother you so much? I bet I wasn't the first one to call you Meathead.
You were the only one ever to call me Meathead.
They never called me Meathead in school.
In school they always called me Michael.
That's all they called you? Well, Mike or Mickey.
What a sweet little school you went to there, Mike.
No wonder you grew up thinking the world was beautiful.
Why? What'd they call you in school? Uhuh, different things.
Well, what? - What the hell-- - Tell me.
What'd they call you in school? Tell me what they called you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I remember when we went there during the Depression there.
We didn't have no money 'cause the old man lost his job-- we was all busted.
And, uh, I wore out a shoe, one shoe.
So, I couldn't go to school with only one shoe, see? My mother, she found a boot, so I had a shoe on one foot there and a boot on the other.
A shoe and a boot.
"Shoe-boot.
" So the kids called me "Shoebooty.
" They used to holler Shoebooty, huh? [LAUGHING.]
They used to holler: "Tooty-fruity, here comes Shoebooty.
" [LAUGHING.]
And they kept calling me that till they found out my name was Archibald, and they thought that was funny.
And then I wished they'd go back to Shoebooty, you know? Kids all made fun of you, huh? Yeah, they all made fun-- Well, all except one little black kid by the name of Winston.
A black kid liked you? No.
The black kid beat the hell outta me.
Why? I-I don't know, nothin' much.
Well, he must've had a reason.
Well, he said that I said he was a nigger.
Well, did you? Sure.
Well, then, that's the reason! What the hell reason was that? That's what all them people was called in them days there.
I mean everybody we knew called them people niggers.
That's all my ol' man ever called them there.
What the hell was I supposed to call them? I didn't know the dif-- I should call him a Whop? We couldn't call them Whops because Whops was what we called the Dagos.
Did you ever think-- Did you ever think that--that possibly your--your father just might be wrong? Wrong my ol' man? Don't be stupid.
My old man, let me tell you about him.
He was never wrong about nothin'.
- Yes, he was, Arch.
- Huh? My ol' man used to call people the same things as your ol' man.
But I always knew he was wrong.
So was your ol' man.
- No, he wasn't.
- Yes, he was.
- Your father was wrong.
- Don't say-- Your father was wrong! Don't tell me my father was wrong.
Let me tell you somethin' Father who made ya wrong? Your father the breadwinner of the house there.
The man who goes out and busts his butt to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back? You call your father wrong? Hey, hey.
Your father Your father That's the man that comes home, bringin' you candy? Your father's the first guy to throw a baseball to ya? And take you for walks in the park? Hold you by the hand? My father held me by the hand Oh, eh My father had a hand on him, I tell you.
He busted that hand once, and he busted it on me.
To teach me to do good.
And my father, he'd shove me in the closet for seven hours to teach me to do good 'cause he loved me.
He loved me.
Don't be lookin' at me!!! Let me tell you somethin' You're supposed to love your father because your father loves you.
But how can any man that loves you tell you anything that's wrong? What's the use in talking? [MUMBLING.]
Nothin' at all Uhh! Good night, Shoebooty.
[.]
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.