That '70s Show s08e19 Episode Script
Sheer Heart Attack
Wow that was great.
I'm glad we stretched beforehand.
And I have to say, I was terrific.
You know, I've never said this before Tracy, but you're the best lover I ever had.
You know I have never said this before Nicole, but you're the best lover I ever had.
I never said this before Susan you're the best lover I ever had.
My name is Lucy.
The one time people understand me I get the name wrong.
Jackie, I'd offer you a third sandwhich but you've cleaned me out of meat and condiments.
And cheese-whiz.
Well now we're gonna have to use the artificial stuff.
I don't know what's wrong with me okay ? I want a guy I can't have, I can't stop stuffing my face.
I am a thin girl with fat girl problems.
Alright.
If Fez and Jackie get together, it's official She becomes Point Place sluttiest slut.
Well I think it's nice you wanna be with Fez.
He has turned into a fine young man.
And you never know with foreigners, they can go either way.
Come on Jackie, I know what'll cheer you up.
Let's go down to the mall and make fun of all the people coming out of the Big&Tall store.
Donna, if you need something from the Big&Tall, just say so Well Kitty cardiologist said I don't have to take my heart pills anymore.
Well that is wonderful news.
Oh and you know what this means ? We can bring back fried cheese friday ! It's not good news Kitty.
I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now.
That's 200 bucks down the crapper.
Why don't you just sell 'em ? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation I saw one time on an after school special Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal.
And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses.
I will be in the bath.
You know man, you can sell those pills.
No I can't.
Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.
Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills ? Anybody here take procardiacs ? The doctor is in ! That '70s Show - 8x19 - Sheer heart attack It is torture knowing Fez is with all these different women.
All I hear from his bedroom is "Oh Fez, you're so hot" And then he comes out of his room and goes off to his date.
Yeah.
If the walls of Fez' bedroom could talk.
Well, we probably wouldn't be able to understand them either.
You know if the walls in Fez' bedroom could talk they'd yell "quit humping your Victorica Principal poster" ! Oh.
Hey Fez Where's your skank of the day ? I worked a double yesterday.
So I'm taking the day off.
In fact, I'm taking a break from the ladies altogether.
I knew it, he's gay ! I just won 20 bucks from Mrs.
Forman ! No, I'm done sewing my wild oates.
Mostly because my oates can't take it anymore.
These tight jeans make my ass look great, but you pay the price up front.
So wait Fez uhm, what, no more one night stands ? Nope.
I just didn't find those meaningless flings satisfying.
I think I might be a one woman guy.
Do you hear that Jackie ? Fez is a one woman guy Yeah.
Surprising, but true.
Now if you'll excuse me, these jeans are splitting me in half.
Congratulations Jackie, he's all yours ! It's like you won the lottery.
Oh you know, a really crappy lottery.
Pretty cool huh That was on a slow day.
Imagine what we could make if we set up shop on Betty Grable movie night.
Steven, we're not setting up shop anywhere.
All I want to do is get my money back.
Just like after I bought Eric that baseball mitt.
Dumbass used it as a hat.
Fine.
We'll just get your money back.
Now, where is the rest of the stash ? It's in the medicine cabinet and don't start calling the heart medicine the stash ! It makes it sound like we What's going on ? Oh.
Just having a little man-to-man talk.
About what ? Well uh Steven's getting a little older and he just had some questions Oh please.
He was married to a stripper.
If anything, he should be giving you advice.
See what you made me do ?! Now I'm lying to Kitty about selling drugs.
That's it I'm throwing those pills away.
I can't spend my retirement as a lying dope peddler.
No man, you're not a dope peddler.
You are champion of the people ! Now, where does Kitty keep those little plastic baggies ? So Fez, I hear you've been with a different woman every night.
I just hope you're doing the gentlemanly thing.
"Thank you" cards never go out of style.
Actually Miss Kitty, I'm hanging out my leather pants.
Yes.
I'm ready to be with the one woman I should've been with all along.
Fez I told you a thousand times, Mr.
Forman and I are very happy together.
I'm just kidding ! So, is this woman someone I know ? Yes ! And I know for a fact that she likes me Oh Oooohhh Fez I am so happy for you ! New love is exciting, I remember the first time I tried Peppermint Schnapps.
But I want to be the one to tell her so uhm so please don't tell anyone that we had this conversation.
I already forgot about it ! What ?! We just had it, pay attention ! No Fez, I can keep a secret.
For instance I never told anyone that I once caught Red wearing my nightgown to keep his legs warm.
Oh, oh you didn't hear that ! Yes I did, I was right here ! No I'm just saying, your secret's safe with me.
Oh hey Mrs.
Forman.
What's up ? Fez is crazy about you ! Wai- What ? Really ?! Yeah ! Now I wasn't supposed to say anything but I hate when they drag things out on soap opera's.
Nothing happens Monday through Thursday, we all know Marlena's the killer ! Let's just sell these things and go home.
I don't wanna be known as the pill-guy ! - Relax, you're not the pill-guy.
- Hey ! It's the pill-guy ! Smitty, keep it down ! Red, can you get me any diet-pills ? My wife's having trouble getting into the house.
Through the garage ! You think your wife is big ? My wife just took a job at the movie theatre.
As the screen ! Hey guys.
You come here to tell jokes or do business ? The way I see it, you guys got a condition, we got the product.
So quit yankin' my crank and let's do this, huh ? So is there someplace that we can talk a little more private ? Certainly.
Step into my office Okay, this is what I've been thinking.
You give us the rest of the pills and we give you two cases of beer.
Plus a couple of passes to our Friday-night bingo marathon and Medicare seminar.
What kind of deal is that ?! I come down here, sit in the sauna with you half-naked and this is what you offer me ?! Come on Red, let's hit the nursing homes.
Whow, whow, settle down kid, we're all friends here, let's work something out before we say things we don't mean.
And someone winds up dead.
I'm just kidding, let's order a pizza.
I just wanna get this over with.
So Steven, shut up.
Cal, I'm gonna sell you those pills at cost.
And Smitty for the last time, close your damn legs.
I can't believe Fez likes me ! I mean you guys, this is everything I ever dreamed of.
Having said that I'm really glad that my racist father isn't here to see us together.
Oh good.
You're all here.
I have some big news to tell you.
Unless it's that you're gay, I don't wanna hear it.
Shut up, Bjorn Borg ! Well Fez, what is it ? Well I finally figure out the one woman for me.
As a matter of fact she is here right now.
- Oh my Gooood - Hi guys ! Caroline ! Caroline ! I haven't seen you since you tried to kill us I just couldn't believe it when Fez called.
It was so nice to hear a familiar voice.
Oh you mean coming from outside you head ? Okayyy the old me would've ripped out your eyeballs and hung them from my rear-view mirror like dice.
But the new me just smiles and slaps the anger away ! How sexy is that ?! Uh Fez, you said you were a one woman guy.
Caroline's got like eight personalities.
You'll go to bed with her one night and wake up the next morning with like an 82-year old Portugese fisherman.
Hey, Caroline accepts me for who I am.
So I'm gonna accept her for who they are.
Fez, the last time you dated Caroline she chased you around the room with a corkscrew.
It's called foreplay, jerk.
Yeah nothing spices up the bedroom like a crazy woman who might suffocate you when you're asleep with a pillow.
Donna we were role-playing ! She was a sexy nurse and I was the guy she was trying to kill.
Red, do you need anything from the super market ? Yeah.
Graham Crackers that don't taste like cardboard.
I fought in two wars, I deserve name-brand cookies.
Well those are name-brand ! Look at the box, there is the Kubler Dwarves.
I can't believe we're out of plastic baggies already.
I swear I just bought a box.
Well maybe you misplaced them You know, you're always losing things.
Like aluminum foil, remember that time you lost the aluminum foil ? I sure do ! Hello ? Hello ? Is anybody there ?! That's the third hang-up today ! Oh and this afternoon someone called and asked me if I had "the stuff"Â .
Wait a second I saw a sixty minute piece on this the other day.
Missing baggies, mysterious phone calls I know what's going on ! Kitty I can explain Steven is selling drugs ! Yes he is ! Wow.
She's really putting away that pizza The last time I saw her this upset was when Reverend Brown told her that ugly people go to heaven too.
Sooo Jackie, can I get a slice of that ? No ! Okay.
I was only asking because it's mine ! - Jackie, look.
Fez and Caroline are never gonna last.
- Hi guys ! Well that was just bad timing Why are you wearing a wedding dress ? Oh my God, did Fez propose to you ?! Not yet ! But he will ! And I wanted to show him what I look like.
Oh but you know, I was hoping he'd be here cause I gotta get this back to the store before they realize I climbed out the dressing room window.
Don't worry I'm sure they'll just knock of ten percent.
.
and put it on the rack marked "Previously worn by psycho's".
You have a sharp tongue.
It would taste great in a salad.
I can't believe Fez chose that whack-job over me ! Jackie, the only reason Fez chose Caroline over you is because he doesn't have any idea that you like him.
- Well whose fault is that Donna ?! - Yours ! Oh, thank you for kicking me while I'm down ! You know, Jackie if you worked as hard at getting Fez as you are at polishing off my pizza you'd be pushing a little bilingual baby through the park right now.
Steven how could you ?! Just a product of my environment.
Wait, what are you talking about ? We know you've been selling drugs out of the house, this is the worst thing you have ever done.
You have turned my living room into East St.
Louis ! So please, just admit what you're doing it'll be better for everybody.
I'm not admitting anything.
Although if I were selling drugs, it's probably because I don't have a new What ? Steven, we do not reward this kind of behavior.
Right, Red ? Right A 13-inch TV should do the trick Why are you even discussing this ? If ever there were a time for your foot to be ankle-deep in someone's bottom, it's now ! Red, those pills sold like hotcakes ! We came by to give you your cut.
This is not a good time guys ! Red Forman, have you been selling your heart medication ?! Yeah ! They've done wonders for me in the bedroom.
I'm asleep before my wife comes in.
I can't believe this.
I can take care of your problem here Red no questions asked I'm kidding.
We should all have dinner sometimes.
Yeah well, thanks for coming by guys Red Look, I know what I did was wrong.
But don't you even want to know what I was gonna do with the money ? I don't care.
I was gonna take you on a vacation to the Wisconsin dells.
Oh my God ! I feel like a Kennedy ! Ohhh, and the dells are three counties away.
We're gonna have to take the interstate ! Well that worked out pretty good You're going to the dells I'm getting a new TV Yeah.
And you're gonna love watching that new show called "Blow it out your ass" Hey uh Fez, we need to talk.
Okay fine.
I used your deodorant because I wanted to see if it was strong enough for a man.
By the way, it wasn't.
Uhm Fez you see when I heard you were ready to be with one woman I got really excited.
But that's because I thought you were talking about someone else.
Who ? Fez ?! Uhm, I can explain ! Go ahead.
Uhm, her tongue was in my mouth and then you walked in.
Youcheatingbastard.
Why do you make me do this to you ?! Not in the face ! Owww okay the face ! The face ! - How are you feeling ? - Not so good.
My face is freezing.
I'm really sorry this happened, but you're actually lucky that she's gone.
Jackie, what was that kiss all about ? Fez it's something that I wanted to do for a really long time.
And I was wondering You know hoping, that maybe you and I could be together.
You want to be with me ?! Yeah.
I mean Fez my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.
Well.
So you want me because you're lonely ? Great, so that makes me what, your last resort ? - No Fez.
You're wrong, it's not - You know what Jackie, forget it.
You went to be with Kelso and Hyde.
I don't wanna be your sloppy thirds.
Hey guys.
Want to cross some more of those heart pills.
Well actually, we have all we need.
Oh.
Really ? Sure would be a shame if you ran out just when you needed it.
Like say you're driving your car and all of a sudden you find that your break lines have been cut.
Who would do that ? I don't know Maybe a guy who knows a guy.
But hey, if you guys don't need 'em, you don't need 'em.
Drive safe.
I'll take 20 pills That's what I like to hear.
You did the right thing.
I'm glad we stretched beforehand.
And I have to say, I was terrific.
You know, I've never said this before Tracy, but you're the best lover I ever had.
You know I have never said this before Nicole, but you're the best lover I ever had.
I never said this before Susan you're the best lover I ever had.
My name is Lucy.
The one time people understand me I get the name wrong.
Jackie, I'd offer you a third sandwhich but you've cleaned me out of meat and condiments.
And cheese-whiz.
Well now we're gonna have to use the artificial stuff.
I don't know what's wrong with me okay ? I want a guy I can't have, I can't stop stuffing my face.
I am a thin girl with fat girl problems.
Alright.
If Fez and Jackie get together, it's official She becomes Point Place sluttiest slut.
Well I think it's nice you wanna be with Fez.
He has turned into a fine young man.
And you never know with foreigners, they can go either way.
Come on Jackie, I know what'll cheer you up.
Let's go down to the mall and make fun of all the people coming out of the Big&Tall store.
Donna, if you need something from the Big&Tall, just say so Well Kitty cardiologist said I don't have to take my heart pills anymore.
Well that is wonderful news.
Oh and you know what this means ? We can bring back fried cheese friday ! It's not good news Kitty.
I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now.
That's 200 bucks down the crapper.
Why don't you just sell 'em ? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation I saw one time on an after school special Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal.
And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses.
I will be in the bath.
You know man, you can sell those pills.
No I can't.
Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.
Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills ? Anybody here take procardiacs ? The doctor is in ! That '70s Show - 8x19 - Sheer heart attack It is torture knowing Fez is with all these different women.
All I hear from his bedroom is "Oh Fez, you're so hot" And then he comes out of his room and goes off to his date.
Yeah.
If the walls of Fez' bedroom could talk.
Well, we probably wouldn't be able to understand them either.
You know if the walls in Fez' bedroom could talk they'd yell "quit humping your Victorica Principal poster" ! Oh.
Hey Fez Where's your skank of the day ? I worked a double yesterday.
So I'm taking the day off.
In fact, I'm taking a break from the ladies altogether.
I knew it, he's gay ! I just won 20 bucks from Mrs.
Forman ! No, I'm done sewing my wild oates.
Mostly because my oates can't take it anymore.
These tight jeans make my ass look great, but you pay the price up front.
So wait Fez uhm, what, no more one night stands ? Nope.
I just didn't find those meaningless flings satisfying.
I think I might be a one woman guy.
Do you hear that Jackie ? Fez is a one woman guy Yeah.
Surprising, but true.
Now if you'll excuse me, these jeans are splitting me in half.
Congratulations Jackie, he's all yours ! It's like you won the lottery.
Oh you know, a really crappy lottery.
Pretty cool huh That was on a slow day.
Imagine what we could make if we set up shop on Betty Grable movie night.
Steven, we're not setting up shop anywhere.
All I want to do is get my money back.
Just like after I bought Eric that baseball mitt.
Dumbass used it as a hat.
Fine.
We'll just get your money back.
Now, where is the rest of the stash ? It's in the medicine cabinet and don't start calling the heart medicine the stash ! It makes it sound like we What's going on ? Oh.
Just having a little man-to-man talk.
About what ? Well uh Steven's getting a little older and he just had some questions Oh please.
He was married to a stripper.
If anything, he should be giving you advice.
See what you made me do ?! Now I'm lying to Kitty about selling drugs.
That's it I'm throwing those pills away.
I can't spend my retirement as a lying dope peddler.
No man, you're not a dope peddler.
You are champion of the people ! Now, where does Kitty keep those little plastic baggies ? So Fez, I hear you've been with a different woman every night.
I just hope you're doing the gentlemanly thing.
"Thank you" cards never go out of style.
Actually Miss Kitty, I'm hanging out my leather pants.
Yes.
I'm ready to be with the one woman I should've been with all along.
Fez I told you a thousand times, Mr.
Forman and I are very happy together.
I'm just kidding ! So, is this woman someone I know ? Yes ! And I know for a fact that she likes me Oh Oooohhh Fez I am so happy for you ! New love is exciting, I remember the first time I tried Peppermint Schnapps.
But I want to be the one to tell her so uhm so please don't tell anyone that we had this conversation.
I already forgot about it ! What ?! We just had it, pay attention ! No Fez, I can keep a secret.
For instance I never told anyone that I once caught Red wearing my nightgown to keep his legs warm.
Oh, oh you didn't hear that ! Yes I did, I was right here ! No I'm just saying, your secret's safe with me.
Oh hey Mrs.
Forman.
What's up ? Fez is crazy about you ! Wai- What ? Really ?! Yeah ! Now I wasn't supposed to say anything but I hate when they drag things out on soap opera's.
Nothing happens Monday through Thursday, we all know Marlena's the killer ! Let's just sell these things and go home.
I don't wanna be known as the pill-guy ! - Relax, you're not the pill-guy.
- Hey ! It's the pill-guy ! Smitty, keep it down ! Red, can you get me any diet-pills ? My wife's having trouble getting into the house.
Through the garage ! You think your wife is big ? My wife just took a job at the movie theatre.
As the screen ! Hey guys.
You come here to tell jokes or do business ? The way I see it, you guys got a condition, we got the product.
So quit yankin' my crank and let's do this, huh ? So is there someplace that we can talk a little more private ? Certainly.
Step into my office Okay, this is what I've been thinking.
You give us the rest of the pills and we give you two cases of beer.
Plus a couple of passes to our Friday-night bingo marathon and Medicare seminar.
What kind of deal is that ?! I come down here, sit in the sauna with you half-naked and this is what you offer me ?! Come on Red, let's hit the nursing homes.
Whow, whow, settle down kid, we're all friends here, let's work something out before we say things we don't mean.
And someone winds up dead.
I'm just kidding, let's order a pizza.
I just wanna get this over with.
So Steven, shut up.
Cal, I'm gonna sell you those pills at cost.
And Smitty for the last time, close your damn legs.
I can't believe Fez likes me ! I mean you guys, this is everything I ever dreamed of.
Having said that I'm really glad that my racist father isn't here to see us together.
Oh good.
You're all here.
I have some big news to tell you.
Unless it's that you're gay, I don't wanna hear it.
Shut up, Bjorn Borg ! Well Fez, what is it ? Well I finally figure out the one woman for me.
As a matter of fact she is here right now.
- Oh my Gooood - Hi guys ! Caroline ! Caroline ! I haven't seen you since you tried to kill us I just couldn't believe it when Fez called.
It was so nice to hear a familiar voice.
Oh you mean coming from outside you head ? Okayyy the old me would've ripped out your eyeballs and hung them from my rear-view mirror like dice.
But the new me just smiles and slaps the anger away ! How sexy is that ?! Uh Fez, you said you were a one woman guy.
Caroline's got like eight personalities.
You'll go to bed with her one night and wake up the next morning with like an 82-year old Portugese fisherman.
Hey, Caroline accepts me for who I am.
So I'm gonna accept her for who they are.
Fez, the last time you dated Caroline she chased you around the room with a corkscrew.
It's called foreplay, jerk.
Yeah nothing spices up the bedroom like a crazy woman who might suffocate you when you're asleep with a pillow.
Donna we were role-playing ! She was a sexy nurse and I was the guy she was trying to kill.
Red, do you need anything from the super market ? Yeah.
Graham Crackers that don't taste like cardboard.
I fought in two wars, I deserve name-brand cookies.
Well those are name-brand ! Look at the box, there is the Kubler Dwarves.
I can't believe we're out of plastic baggies already.
I swear I just bought a box.
Well maybe you misplaced them You know, you're always losing things.
Like aluminum foil, remember that time you lost the aluminum foil ? I sure do ! Hello ? Hello ? Is anybody there ?! That's the third hang-up today ! Oh and this afternoon someone called and asked me if I had "the stuff"Â .
Wait a second I saw a sixty minute piece on this the other day.
Missing baggies, mysterious phone calls I know what's going on ! Kitty I can explain Steven is selling drugs ! Yes he is ! Wow.
She's really putting away that pizza The last time I saw her this upset was when Reverend Brown told her that ugly people go to heaven too.
Sooo Jackie, can I get a slice of that ? No ! Okay.
I was only asking because it's mine ! - Jackie, look.
Fez and Caroline are never gonna last.
- Hi guys ! Well that was just bad timing Why are you wearing a wedding dress ? Oh my God, did Fez propose to you ?! Not yet ! But he will ! And I wanted to show him what I look like.
Oh but you know, I was hoping he'd be here cause I gotta get this back to the store before they realize I climbed out the dressing room window.
Don't worry I'm sure they'll just knock of ten percent.
.
and put it on the rack marked "Previously worn by psycho's".
You have a sharp tongue.
It would taste great in a salad.
I can't believe Fez chose that whack-job over me ! Jackie, the only reason Fez chose Caroline over you is because he doesn't have any idea that you like him.
- Well whose fault is that Donna ?! - Yours ! Oh, thank you for kicking me while I'm down ! You know, Jackie if you worked as hard at getting Fez as you are at polishing off my pizza you'd be pushing a little bilingual baby through the park right now.
Steven how could you ?! Just a product of my environment.
Wait, what are you talking about ? We know you've been selling drugs out of the house, this is the worst thing you have ever done.
You have turned my living room into East St.
Louis ! So please, just admit what you're doing it'll be better for everybody.
I'm not admitting anything.
Although if I were selling drugs, it's probably because I don't have a new What ? Steven, we do not reward this kind of behavior.
Right, Red ? Right A 13-inch TV should do the trick Why are you even discussing this ? If ever there were a time for your foot to be ankle-deep in someone's bottom, it's now ! Red, those pills sold like hotcakes ! We came by to give you your cut.
This is not a good time guys ! Red Forman, have you been selling your heart medication ?! Yeah ! They've done wonders for me in the bedroom.
I'm asleep before my wife comes in.
I can't believe this.
I can take care of your problem here Red no questions asked I'm kidding.
We should all have dinner sometimes.
Yeah well, thanks for coming by guys Red Look, I know what I did was wrong.
But don't you even want to know what I was gonna do with the money ? I don't care.
I was gonna take you on a vacation to the Wisconsin dells.
Oh my God ! I feel like a Kennedy ! Ohhh, and the dells are three counties away.
We're gonna have to take the interstate ! Well that worked out pretty good You're going to the dells I'm getting a new TV Yeah.
And you're gonna love watching that new show called "Blow it out your ass" Hey uh Fez, we need to talk.
Okay fine.
I used your deodorant because I wanted to see if it was strong enough for a man.
By the way, it wasn't.
Uhm Fez you see when I heard you were ready to be with one woman I got really excited.
But that's because I thought you were talking about someone else.
Who ? Fez ?! Uhm, I can explain ! Go ahead.
Uhm, her tongue was in my mouth and then you walked in.
Youcheatingbastard.
Why do you make me do this to you ?! Not in the face ! Owww okay the face ! The face ! - How are you feeling ? - Not so good.
My face is freezing.
I'm really sorry this happened, but you're actually lucky that she's gone.
Jackie, what was that kiss all about ? Fez it's something that I wanted to do for a really long time.
And I was wondering You know hoping, that maybe you and I could be together.
You want to be with me ?! Yeah.
I mean Fez my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.
Well.
So you want me because you're lonely ? Great, so that makes me what, your last resort ? - No Fez.
You're wrong, it's not - You know what Jackie, forget it.
You went to be with Kelso and Hyde.
I don't wanna be your sloppy thirds.
Hey guys.
Want to cross some more of those heart pills.
Well actually, we have all we need.
Oh.
Really ? Sure would be a shame if you ran out just when you needed it.
Like say you're driving your car and all of a sudden you find that your break lines have been cut.
Who would do that ? I don't know Maybe a guy who knows a guy.
But hey, if you guys don't need 'em, you don't need 'em.
Drive safe.
I'll take 20 pills That's what I like to hear.
You did the right thing.