The Goldbergs s08e19 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, it felt like I grew up at school.
From crashing assemblies to crushing school dances, I found lots of ways to leave my mark.
But that didn't matter now that I was an upperclassman, 'cause nothing cemented your legacy quite like your senior prank.
Fellow seniors, throw out your prank suggestions.
No bad ideas.
We all come to school wearing turtlenecks.
There are bad ideas.
What if, at lunch, we grill a ton of hot dogs and just give them to whoever wants them? That's not a prank, okay? That's a minor league baseball promotion.
We could do something to the William Penn statue.
Nooo! This statue is off-limits to all pranks.
William Penn is my personal hero.
Wasn't he expelled from Oxford and jailed a bunch? Don't believe everything you read in our textbooks, Goldberg.
And keep your mitts off him.
I mean, we gotta hit that statue now.
Ball basically just told us to.
What if we just dressed him up in an embarrassing outfit? Adam, you have tons of shameful costumes, right? Normally, I'd jump at the chance to show off my collection of screen-worn memorabilia, but Principal Ball made it pretty clear that statue's a big no-no.
Dude, this is our senior prank.
It's our last chance.
Once we're adults, pranks are called crimes.
Adam, don't you have that furry Alf costume? You mean my Bigfoot costume? Is that what that was? It seemed Never mind.
If we pull this off, we'll be total rock stars.
That's it! What about avant garde singer-showman David Bowie? It's perfect! We can put him in a flamboyant spaceman jumpsuit and paint a lightning bolt on his face.
But whatever we do, don't tell anyone, okay? If we get caught, we could get suspended.
Oh, no.
I didn't want to get suspended.
But I couldn't let my friends down.
Poopsie-pie.
Your slumping frame wouldn't have anything to do with the senior prank, would it? Principal Ball told the faculty to be on high alert.
No.
Maybe.
I'm so conflicted, Mama.
Ohh.
You can share anything with me.
Secrets.
Soup.
Vows we write to each other and then exchange in an intimate ceremony between family and friends.
I guess I'm okay with the soup.
But my friends asked me to desecrate the William Penn statue.
If I get caught, NYU will never let me in.
Now, as Quaker Warden, I'll put a stop to it.
But no one can know it was me.
Mama is always discreet.
And if you still want to make your mark, I have the perfect idea a mother-son prank.
- Mm! - How about a mother-son quietly go their separate ways? Yes, you're in.
You'll go up at assembly and say, "My mama was the best part about high school," and then I'll go up and give you kissies! That's not a prank.
That's just me committing social suicide.
Ohh, son.
[Laughs.]
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was April 28th, 1980-something, and Erica was trying to distract herself - from her breakup with Geoff.
- [Doorbell rings.]
Until this happened.
Geoff.
Heyyy, you.
Heyy back at ya.
- [Door closes.]
- I'm sorry.
It's It's weird I'm here.
Sure, we have a rich romantic history, but stuff happens, and then it stops happening.
As you know, today would have been our 5th anniversary.
I guess it would.
Five's a big one.
Was a big one, I mean.
Not for me, though, because I celebrate the small ones, like 3, 6, 17, and Okay, you talk again.
We had that dinner at Le Bec Fin planned, and I figured since we already paid and it's non-refundable that maybe Maybe Maybe you could give this to Barry? Barry! Oh! Pshh! That's why you're here! That makes sense.
I mean, passing my little bro our special night.
I'm just gonna go.
[Door opens, closes.]
Schmoodle, are you okay? - [Voice breaking.]
I'm not okay.
- Bring it in.
Make Mama's sweater sparkle with your tears.
He said to give it to Barry, but I'm not gonna give it to Barry.
I'm gonna start a fire and I'm gonna put it in the fire and then I'm gonna jump into the fire! [Crying.]
Okay, Murray, I need a box of tissues, fashion magazines, and a block of chocolate big enough to dance on.
My baby needs her mama! - [TV shuts off.]
- I got a better idea.
I'll handle it.
Up-bup.
Handle what? Oh, the blubbering one.
No offense, Murray, but when Barry had a broken heart, you told him to zip it or take it outside.
That's because "She's the Sheriff" was on.
- This is different.
- I don't know.
Wait till she hears what I have in store for her.
She's gonna love it! It's Daddy Daughter Day! It was a classic move.
Back in the day, my dad took my sister to this very rink for some quality father-daughter bonding.
But I haven't been here in years, and I was so young and stupid, and I think you might be wearing the same shirt.
Come on.
It'll melt all your troubles away.
Besides, I didn't eat salt this morning so my skates would fit.
- One lap.
- Let's do it.
While my dad and sister got on wheels, my mom was helping me hit the brakes on my prank.
You sure you were discreet? Don't worry, Schmoo.
I sent Principal Ball a memo made with cut-up words out of magazine, like a ransom note.
I should have been a kidnapper.
If it makes you feel any better, you did steal most of my childhood.
It does.
Ta! Better luck next time, seniors.
I just got a hot tip from an anonymous oddball that Billy P here is about to be pranked, so he will be locked away till graduation.
Point, Ball.
- Holy crap! It worked! - What worked? Don't be mad? Everybody inside! It's happening! [Gasping.]
Whoever pulled this one off best prank in years.
That means a lot coming from the teacher who rides a motorcycle despite all the safety data.
If the devil wants to take me, he's got to catch me first.
What an amazing life lesson to tell children.
You guys did this without me? Look, we love that you're a sweet, nice boy, which is why we kind of counted on you to blab to your mom.
And that got Principal Ball fixated on the statue outside so we could get these sweet beasts inside.
Did you know donkeys have phenomenal memories and a logical, flexible approach to problem-solving? Thanks, Jack Hanna.
But I kind of am focusing on the fact that you used me.
If anything, you were the most important part.
Right after securing and transporting two donkeys in secrecy.
The burros are making love in the computer lab.
- [Donkey brays.]
- Damn it! It's such a good prank.
As my friends had made an ass of me, my dad was trying not to fall on his.
See? We're doing the thing.
Sort of doing it.
You hit that cone, fell, and you said, "Leave me.
" But you didn't.
And here we are, about to finish our first lap.
At least no one's here to witness it.
Well, almost no one.
Erica Goldberg? [Gasps.]
I haven't seen you in forever, bitch.
I know bitch.
Yo, guy.
I'm Carla.
Erica's best friend from high school.
That's my dad.
You've met him like 100 times.
Oh, yeah! I didn't recognize you with your pants on.
[Laughs.]
Oh, man.
I can't even count how many dads I've said that to.
I don't like you.
I'm going to get a Fanta.
Do you work here? I'm a Rink Lady.
I'm in charge of, like, so many kids' safety, it's stupid.
So, where's Geoff? We actually broke up.
Was it a passion killing? No, just your standard, boring breakup.
Honestly, in high school, I pooh-poohed dweebs like Geoff, but in the rearview mirror of my chaotic life, he's the whole package.
Hey, babe.
Other babe.
Erica and Geoff split up.
That sweet-faced douche-nugget is on the market? You gotta swoop in, and swoop fast! But what about us? We're talking Geoff Schwartz here.
He's grade-A marriage material.
He's gonna be an optometrist.
- An ophthalmologist.
- What? A real medical doctor who can perform retinal surgeries including radial keratotomy? If you don't swoop in, I will.
Well, you don't really need me here to figure out who's gonna swoop in, so - We're leaving.
- MURRAY: Already? Don't you remember this claw machine? I'm trying to win you that unicorn you always wanted.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ohhh! What does it take? Murray, let's just get out of here before anyone else finds out how pathetic my life is.
JOHNNY: This one goes out to Erica, who just broke up with solid catch Geoff Schwartz.
There's an eye man on the table, ladies.
ADULT ADAM: While Erica fled from her past, I sought advice to cement my legacy.
Bar, I'm in trouble.
Wait.
What are you doing? We're out of TP, so I'm improvising.
Cheggit.
Hey, you did something good with a saw.
Now, tell your wise brother your woes.
Well, my friends used me to pull a prank.
A tale as old as time, but your situation is even worse than you think.
Worse? If you're not actively involved in a senior prank, no one will remember you.
Like Seth Snider? The son of the pretzel baron? Not even a little.
He graduated my year without a prank to his name.
I only remember him 'cause he had that weird thing on his nose.
- That thing was weird.
What was that? - No one will ever know.
Well, probably him and the dermatologist and the insurance company and his friends and family and anyone who isn't afraid to ask.
Long list.
Anyway.
Let's get prankin'.
But pranks get you in trouble! Look, you may not have the courage, the mental agility, - the hunger - Sure, but the physical prowess, the danger in your eyes, - the cunning wit.
- I get it.
- The muscles in your arms, legs, or back.
- Get to it! But you do have something no one, including me, ever had.
Juvenile arthritis? Access.
Access to what? To the school, dummy.
Mom works there now, and she has keys.
But she's not just gonna hand me keys to the school.
The way I see it, you either figure out a way to those keys or be flushed away in history.
Your choice, nerd.
I'll take this, too.
It's fun.
Sadly, Barry was right.
If I wanted to be remembered, I needed to do something big.
Not so fast! She's among us! What are you doing in my purse? I was just looking for this tampon.
Oh, my God.
You were looking for my keys to pull a prank at school.
She caught me red-handed.
There was only one thing to do tell her the truth.
- Mm, kinda.
- Rats.
Phooey.
I guess the mother-son prank is off.
Mother-son prank? [Scoffs.]
Like I'd ever believe that.
I got to thinking, what better way for my judgy peers to remember me by than with a very public love note to the woman You came out of.
I was gonna say "raised me," but sure.
Well, that makes a tremendous amount of sense.
Just for fun, what would that giant banner of love say? I guess I'd go with something like, - "Adam Loves His Mama.
" - [Gasps.]
You are such a good writer.
But too bad.
Without the keys, it's not happening.
The world will just have to wonder, do I love you? Tell you what.
I'm just gonna forget my keys right here.
[Keys clack.]
And if anyone chooses to come looking for them, I'd never know.
There they were.
I finally had my Whoa! I, uh I need my P.
O.
box key.
A lot of mail-order shopping your dad would frown upon.
- [Keys clack.]
- Oop! Clumsy me, forgetting my keys again.
I had the access.
Now all I had to do was I forgot my Mace.
You know, with my blond hair and curvy physique, I'm a magnet for pervs.
- There.
- [Keys clack.]
[Whispering.]
I was never here.
And with that, I officially had the keys to unlock my legacy.
After duping my mom into giving me the keys to the school, I was one prank away from being a legend.
- Hello, brother.
- Gah! Barry! Were you just sitting in the dark waiting for me? Just for three short hours.
Not important.
What's important is that prank you're trying to pull.
Well, I was thinking I'd sneak into Ball's office and write him an anonymous thank-you note for a great four years.
Then you douse it in kerosene, walk away in slow motion, and throw a lit match behind you? Just the kind note.
But maybe I'll throw in a handful of those butterscotches he likes.
That's not a prank! That's a cherished memory of his impact as an educator! - I'm coming with you.
- What? Why? My legacy as a badass at William Penn Academy will be tarnished forever if you do something like put a daisy in everyone's locker.
Ooh, maybe with a little lavender for a playful pop of - Oh, my God.
You have to help me.
- Don't worry.
With my know-how and you having the keys, we can't lose.
Ha ha.
Boom! This high-traffic area is fully greased.
Just adding some finishing touches.
What is that? What are you doing? Adding rock salt.
- Don't want the floor to be too slippery.
- Yes, you do.
How is anyone gonna hurtle themselves into the locker, possibly needing to go to the hospital while everyone giggles? I don't want to hurt anyone.
Tell me you didn't take the Saran Wrap off the toilets.
Of course not! I just hung up signs saying "Warning: these toilets are Saran-Wrapped.
" You're gonna disgrace the Goldberg name by not disgracing the Goldberg name! I'm gonna go find a locker to punch.
And I'm gonna run a mop over this to save the janitor the trouble.
Barry was right.
I was a good boy, doomed to be forgotten until I saw something that changed all of that.
Where are you going? Home.
This was a huge mistake.
I admit taking a Fanta out onto the rink with all the signs telling you not to was a big mistake, but we should talk.
You want to talk? You're famously bad at that.
Yeah, that's because I'm usually tired, bored, or disinterested, or there's something better on TV.
But I'm good.
Let's talk.
Fine.
Let's talk.
And so, just like the last Daddy Daughter Day, my dad got my sister to open up.
Geoff was the first boy who ever told me that he loved me.
Of course, this time it wasn't teenage girl stuff.
It was real adult relationship stuff.
I mean, he ate what I ate, watched what I watched, yawned when I yawned which is a natural reaction to yawns, but I mean, come on, man.
Yawn for yourself.
But then, something insane happened my dad actually rose to the occasion.
And how'd that make you feel? Wait, are you actually engaging me on this topic? It doesn't come naturally, but tell me about the pain.
It was amazing.
My dad didn't just listen to Erica, he was there for her.
Not a day goes by I'm not terrified that I completely destroyed my life.
- You know what I mean? - I do.
Normally, all the deep talk and intimate details would have spun our dad out And I miss his kiss.
He weirdly had the softest lips, and he didn't even use ChapStick.
but not today.
It's the small things that we miss the most.
Dad, I can't believe I'm saying this, but thanks.
It feels really good to talk about this stuff.
JOHNNY: Attention, rink-rollers.
It's closing time.
You don't have to roll home, but you can't roll here.
Well, that was fun.
Well, why should it end now? Let's turn our Daddy Daughter Day into a Daddy Daughter Night.
What a weird and uncomfortable turn of phrase, but what do we even do? Wait.
Did you give that voucher to Barry? You mean the one that's for my anniversary dinner? You mean our Daddy Daughter Dinner? Come on.
I was right about this, wasn't I? Not only that, but they have beef Wellington! That's meat inside a loaf of bread.
Science is real.
I guess.
Dinner with my Peanut! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Erica.
So how's your mom? She ever mention me? Actually, yes.
She's constantly reminding me and my brothers that if we don't try hard and graduate from college, then we'll end up like Johnny Atkins.
Noice! Say "what's up" back.
[Chuckles.]
ADULT ADAM: While my dad and Erica were off to a fancy meal, I was on my way to school to dress up our distinguished namesake.
It's our beloved founder dressed in a way I think would make him uncomfortable if he were alive.
The dork you've trusted with nothing has done that which you could not.
Bowie.
Nice! Now that's a prank.
[Laughs.]
Oh, no.
His stern demeanor has been vanquished.
Who would do such a thing?! - 'Tis I! - Goldberg, move.
Somebody behind you just admitted it - in the stupidest possible way.
- No, it was Goldberg.
He's mocking William Penn and you at the same time.
I'm best friends with the guy who did that.
And I'm dating him.
And look! I said it out loud without any hesitation.
[Students chanting.]
Adam! Schmoo, I don't understand.
Is this part of the mother-son prank? Sorry, Mom, but there's no such thing as a mother-son prank.
But you're a good boy who would never deceive his mama.
Turns out I'm a bad boy who feeds off the adulation of my peers.
I'm a legend! We did it, Billy P! [Rumble.]
Oh, no.
Somebody stop it! It's heading directly for my sweet ride! [Gasps.]
Oh, balls! Oh, no, please! Oh, no.
I'm not a mechanic, but these things buff out, right? Adam, you're in big trouble.
You did the one thing I asked you not to, and you destroyed a beloved faculty member's only mode of transportation.
- It's okay.
- BEVERLY: And what's worse, you gently lied about celebrating our love in front of your friends and teachers.
While my prank had gone sour, my sister and Dad were enjoying the sweet life at Philly's best restaurant.
Welcome, lovers.
Mademoiselle Erica.
Monsieur Geoff.
Uh, no lovers.
I'm not Geoff.
I'm the girl's father.
It is your night.
You are whoever you want to be.
Geoff must have planned this months ago.
This is a culinary journey through our relationship.
Okay, could you take these menus and just bring in the regular ones? But that would be an entirely new charge.
- We'll push through.
- Ohh, look at the back.
Why don't you just bring us the food? Dad, I just don't feel right about this.
So we had a little hiccup with the menu.
We're gonna have a great time.
But they weren't.
They super weren't.
Looks exactly like my prom corsage.
Not anymore.
Bon appétit.
And it only got worse from there.
For mademoiselle, your favorite, coq au vin, and for the gentleman, trout almondine.
Why is it cut into teensy pieces? Geoff was terrified of choking, 'cause he always did.
God, I miss him so much.
Don't, because he wasn't special.
All men like a pre-cut piece of trout.
[Laughs.]
There's no way I'm ordering pizza later.
And then he brought out the face cake.
- Really, guy? - I can't even look at it.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
There's chocolate mousse on the inside! Like the moose that we saw when we went upstate.
I believe that was the intention.
You're not getting a tip.
You already generously included it, Monsieur Schwartz.
I'm not him! Why can't you get that? Why can't you get that I didn't want to come here? - Peanut - No, don't "Peanut" me.
I don't know why I thought you of all people would make me feel better.
[Scoffs.]
After destroying my legacy and the coolest teacher in school's motorcycle, there was nothing left to do but apologize.
Hey, Mr.
P.
I heard that you take the bus now that My bike was flattened by a Quaker dressed like an omnisexual rock god? Quick and to the point.
Wait, why are you on the bus? My mom's form of punishment.
But hey, this isn't so bad, am I right? You are not.
I used to be king of the road.
Now I ride a yellow bus with children.
Damn it! Was that your spitball, Levi Douglas? I will go over these seats! It's like the bus kids don't know how cool you are.
They don't.
You see these shades? One of these lame-os asked me if they were medical.
You're medical! If you want to hate me forever, I wouldn't blame you.
Oh, please.
I know you're a good kid.
[Laughter.]
Unlike Scott Wasserman! I will date your mom! But I ruined everything for you.
You were just trying to make your mark, but you didn't realize you already had.
As a nerdy everyman? Being a nerd is not that special.
That's kind of my whole schtick.
But you're not gonna be remembered that way.
You're gonna be remembered as a sweet, thoughtful kid that everyone likes.
I can't believe you can still think those things about me after what I did.
One mistake doesn't change who you are.
- But let's just keep it to one.
- Definitely.
Pudding, huh? Okay.
Ol' Perott's got hard-boiled eggs! You brought a knife to a gunfight! Thanks to the coolest teacher in school, I was off the hook.
But the same couldn't be said for my dad.
You were right.
I was so over my head.
Okay, well, I'll take over from here.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not giving up.
No offense, but giving up is kind of your thing.
Not tonight.
[Roxy Music's "More Than This" plays.]
Oh, my God, Dad.
Please, no more.
Get this there's nothing I can do to help you.
That's it? I mean, even with no expectations, that's brutal, man.
I know I'm no good at this, but I can't stand to see you like this.
Look at you.
It's like you actually care.
I do care, more than you could possibly know.
But, [Sighs.]
breakups are really hard, and the only thing you can do is live through it.
So you tried distracting me with roller skating? I blew it.
Not entirely.
Like that time you fell.
And then that other time you fell.
I stink at roller skating.
Yeah, but you are a pretty okay dad.
Look at you.
I came in here to make you feel better, and you're making me feel better.
Well, what can I say? I'm a pretty okay daughter.
I think you're the best daughter.
The unicorn? How many quarters did you spend to get this? Too many, and then I had to bribe your scary friend to open up the machine.
More than this Sometimes we spend so much time worrying about the relationships we lost that we forget about the ones we still have.
Where are you taking me? You'll see.
Tell me one thing [Gasps.]
The mother-son prank! Ohh! Only it's not a prank and it says all the words! - I'm sorry I tricked you.
- [Sighs.]
Adam, I'm never gonna forget this.
And neither will the rest of the school.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, it's impossible to know exactly how you'll be remembered, but what we can control is the love we give and the time we take to actually be there for each other.
More than this In the end, that's a legacy anyone would be proud to have.
More than this Whoo! You still got it, Mama.
Yes, you do! Mm.
- Truer words have never been spoken.
- Johnny Atkins? Someone's got Johnny on the brain.
I'll tell the kids I ran into you.
Or we can run into each other over drinks.
I'm sorry? You will be! Wh Carla? I thought you died! Just for 6 minutes.
And you're the one that's in trouble, talking to my man! How dare either of you speak to me like that.
You're lucky I don't call your parents.
She just got hotter.