All In The Family s08e20 Episode Script
Stalemates
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days GLORIA: Mmm, I love this tea.
MIKE: More sake! We're gonna get crazy! We're gonna get crazy! Hey, I wanna propose a toast.
To Bob and Lorraine.
Yeah, happy seventh anniversary! Seven years! [CHUCKLES.]
[KISSING SOUNDS.]
[KISSING CONTINUES.]
[KISSING CONTINUES LOUDLY.]
To the next seven years.
Maybe by then, you'll get married.
- Married? - Why should we get married? We love each other.
- [SIGHS.]
- [KISSING CONTINUES.]
[KISSING CONTINUES.]
This is delicious.
Yeah, mine's terrific, too.
- [TAPPING.]
- This is delicious.
MIKE: Hello there? Hello there? What are we eating? [LAUGHS.]
That's called ika.
And that's tako.
That's cute.
Ika, tako.
Yeah.
It's very good.
Yeah.
That's raw squid and that's pickled octopus.
Anything wrong? No, no, no, no, it's just I remembered that I'm on a squid-free diet.
And you won't believe this, but I had pickled octopus for lunch.
Yeah? Where? At McDonald's.
They have a-- They have a new Octopus McMuffin there.
So, you guys have been together such a long time, it's just like being married.
So why don't you get married? Why do you need marriage when you have a good relationship as it is? Oh, yeah.
See, we think alike.
Marriage doesn't change that.
So do we.
We have the same interests.
So do we.
Sometimes we stay up all night and talk.
So do we.
Sometimes, we stay up all night and don'ttalk.
[BOB CHUCKLING.]
So did we.
Do you realize that practically every couple we know who got married when you two did is either separated, divorced or miserable? Well, we're not separated or divorced.
Or miserable! That's why we wanted you to celebrate with us tonight, huh? - Seven years! - Yes, yes, yes.
Our turn to toast.
Oh, okay.
To the only married couple we know who is still together and happy.
Oh, that's nice.
To us, honey.
I mean, you may not have the same kind of passion, but--well, you have other things.
Oh, look at them.
Look at them.
- They are so-- - Together.
Oh, yeah.
You are so together, you're even beginning to look alike.
BOB: Here's to you.
Mmm, seven years.
I'm so glad you and Mike can have a weekend alone in the mountains.
You're gonna love the Poconos.
They're in Pennsylvania, you know.
Yeah.
When I was a little girl, every Easter I used to visit my Aunt Emma in Strasburg.
I'll never forget my little cousin Richard.
He used to drink buttermilk and tie me to trees.
Why did he tie you to trees? I don't even know why he drank buttermilk.
But I know the Poconos.
Yeah, Michael and I figured it'd be a nice place to spend a weekend.
We're gonna catch up on our reading and take nice, long hikes in the woods and get some of that fresh mountain air.
Oh, my, ain't this pretty! Oh, where did you get it? Uh, in the mail, I'll pack it.
Oh, no, I'll pack it.
No, Ma, I'm a big girl now.
I can pack it.
No, I'll pack it.
I ain't embarrassed.
Well, neither am I.
[LAUGHS.]
MIKE: Gloria, what's taking you so long? We gotta get going! GLORIA: All right, keep your pants on! Tell him that when you're in your love nest down in the "Poke Your Nose.
" You dirty guy.
Well, I may be a little dirty, but I'm on target.
Well, there's an old saying.
If everything is good in the hen house, youse don't have to go out to the store for eggs.
[CHUCKLES.]
Where'd you pick up that choice bit of wisdom? Well, you can find wise little wisdoms like that you get your nose outta that educational TV, tune in on Hee-Haw now and then.
- Ma? - Yeah? Can I ask you a question? Sure.
Uh, how are things between you and Daddy? Oh, there ain't nothing between me and him.
No, I mean, are things the same now as they were when you got married? Well, the dollar don't buy as much as it used to.
No, Ma, I mean the things we don't talk about.
What things we don't talk about? [EXHALES.]
Are things the same between you and Daddy as when you first got married? Oh.
Now I know what things we're talking about that we don't talk about.
Yeah, well, are things the same? Well, Gloria, you can't be newlyweds forever.
Oh.
But Michael and I promised each other the honeymoon would never end.
Oh, Gloria, it's gotta end.
Otherwise, you never get your housework done.
You know, they say that Russian spy satellite that crashed up in Canada gave cancer to a cow in Carbondale, Illinois.
What do ya think of that, Meathead? Not a heck of a lot, Arch.
Oh, you better start thinking of some of these things.
You read this here paper.
This paper'll make you think twice.
And by the by, you and Gloria going off this weekend down to "Poke Your Nose" there, if youse think that it's gonna put everything right, it's wrong.
Hey, there is nothing wrong between Gloria and me.
- [CHORTLES.]
- There isn't, Arch! I-it's like the thermostat on the wall.
If I turn it down a few degrees, we're not gonna freeze.
We just wouldn't be as hot as we were.
Oh, jeez.
I warned you about this years ago.
I knew youse was gonna blow out your thermostat.
Look, Arch, Gloria and I just need some time alone together, away from everything.
Well, yeah, but I tell ya the "Poke Your Nose" is the wrong place.
You shoulda did what I done with Edith, in a similar situation.
I took her down to Florida, to Disney World.
Oh, that's a great place.
And when you're done with all the love stuff, just step outside.
You have your real fun on the rides.
GLORIA: Ma, you got our number up there in case of an emergency.
Yeah.
And I left you the doctor's number.
- Yeah.
- And no candy for Joey.
Yeah.
I mean, no.
He's gotta be in bed by 8:00.
Yeah.
Bye, Grandpa.
Yeah, bye, Little Girl.
You have a nice time down there.
- Bye, Ma! - Have a wonderful time! Oh! What're you doin'? I ain't going nowhere! - Oh, sorry.
- Joey should be up in about an hour.
Now, don't let him play with any rocks, and don't let Daddy leave his matches out on the table.
Don't worry, we'll take good care of him.
Oh, my, ain't it nice they can have a weekend in the mountains.
Oh, the scenery is so beautiful.
They ain't gonna see it.
Oh! You! Oh, stop! [LAUGHS.]
Sensational afternoon, honey.
Yeah, that walk in the woods as beautiful, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, I love the woods.
And I love that huge fireplace in the lobby.
Yeah, it's a beautiful fire.
I just wish they wouldn't use Presto logs.
Where do Presto logs come from? I don't know.
I think Presto trees.
I notice you haven't mentioned the great gin game.
Could it be because I beat the pants off you? Uh, if you must know the truth, I happened to let you win.
Ha! That's right, that's right.
I let you win because I happen to be such a swell guy.
You let me win.
Sure.
Yeah, I let you win.
All right, I don't care, even if you threw the game, you still owe me $12 million.
I tell you what.
We'll go double or nothing for the 12 million.
Pick a number between one and ten.
Umnine.
I owe you $24 million.
And while we're at it, I noticed that we're not mentioning the great ping-pong game we played.
That's because I let you win.
You let me win? 21-0? Yeah, well, when I throw a game, I really throw a game.
Honey, you gotta pull from the heel.
I am pulling from the heel.
No, you're not.
I got the heel.
This is the heel.
I'm pulling it right from the heel.
It's not coming off.
I know.
I can't help that.
You need different leverage, Michael.
Yeah, right.
Push up.
Push up.
No, get down-- Let me get it this way.
Michael.
There.
There we go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you doing? You trying to make a wish? It's coming.
I got it now.
I got it now.
Here itcomes.
There itgoes.
There.
Yeah.
That was easy.
Uh.
what should we do now? Um--(clears throat)-- why don't we finish unpacking? Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
I mean, we still have all of tonight and tomorrow to, you know.
Yeah.
Heh heh.
Hey, feast your eyes on this! Hello! You like it? Wow.
Should I wear it? Well, yeah, of course you should wear it.
Not now.
Not now? Well, I-I think it-- it's a little bit casual for the dining room.
Oh, you mean we're gonna eat first.
Well, yeah, I-I thought we'd eat first.
Y-you see the menu? Prime rib, strawberry shortcake.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
Uh, we should change for the dining room.
We'll change, right, for the dining room.
That's all.
The romance has gone out of our marriage.
[GLORIA CRYING.]
Why, because we're gonna have dinner? No, because we came here to rekindle our romance.
I have absolutely no complaints about the dinners in our marriage.
So I--uhh-- So what're we gonna do after dinner? Well, after dinner, we'll do stuff.
What "stuff"? Watch basketball on TV? Of course not! We're here to rekindle.
- We're not gonna watch a dumb old basketball game.
- Good.
Especially the way the Knicks are playing lately, it's It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
It's not your fault! They're in a very tough division.
No, Michael, you know I'm talking about us.
Now, we came here to sort of make up for everything this weekend, right? Right.
Now? All right, all right.
Okay! Hey.
Let's rekindle.
Uh, wh-what should we do? You wanna kiss first, then-- Okay.
There, we did that.
Uh, why don't we sit down? Because I'm not comfortable with my neck, you know-- Yeah, all right, we'll just, uh, sit over here.
See, that'll be a little bit more comfortable.
- There.
- Okay.
Yeah, uh, honey, could you get-- - I'm sorry.
- It's--yeah.
You're pressing against, you know-- Just move your-- Get--no, no-- get your feet-- Now, uh, why-- What's--why isn't this-- there's something wrong.
Nothing, I just have this feeling that I'm too heavy for your lap.
No, no, no, it's not you, it's me.
It's--I've always had very poor circulation in my thighs.
Just see if you can get your feet up.
Get them up around-- Ah, get--there! That's it! That's it! That's it.
Now hold that.
Go ahead.
Go a--go ahead.
No, no, you know what's wrong? It's the chair.
A chair is a place for kindling.
It's not a place for rekindling.
For rekindling, you gotta go to a bed.
Let's go to the bed.
Come on.
Uh, would you like to carry me over there? Why? You tired? No, I just thought it might be romantic.
Oh, oh, yeah! Sure! Sure, romantic.
That's better.
There we go.
[GROANING.]
Honey, you think you could walk the rest of the way? My back's hurting.
Sure, sure, sweetheart.
Sorry.
- Oh.
- It's bigger than the bed at home.
Yeah.
Much more.
[BOTH SIGHING.]
- You comfortable? - Oh, yeah.
- Isn't this better? - Much.
[BOTH SIGH HEAVILY.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You know what's wrong? W-we're approaching this thing in a very familiar manner.
I think if we--if we do something different, if we do something exciting You don't wanna tie me to a tree, do you? What? Oh, never mind.
Yeah, no, I just thought that we're in our same side of the bed that we're always on.
What if we switch sides? Oh, that's a good idea.
Let's switch sides.
It'll be more exciting.
Hey, I feel more excited already on this side.
- Here, here we go.
- Okay.
Here we go.
[MUFFLED.]
See, isn't that better? - Isn't that nice? - Mmm-hmm.
- You know what's wrong? - Yeah.
It's my shoes.
I can't do this with my shoes on.
It's too sleazy.
No, no, you know what's wrong? It is not the poor circulation in your thighs, and it is not the chair, and it is not what side of the bed we're on.
It is that-- The romance has gone out of our marriage.
Gloria, don't say that! But it's true! What's happened to us?! We used to be such animals! We're still animals! We are still animals! We're--we're just, uh, just a little housebroken, that's all.
I, uh, I-- I read somewhere that it's a biological fact that a man reaches his prime at the age of 17.
But you were in Chicago when you were 17.
It looks like I missed your entire prime.
[CRIES.]
I want us to be like Bob and Lorraine! Hey, hey, forget Bob and Lorraine! You think they're happy? Hah! They're not happy! The only reason that they're always kissing in public is because they're trying to cover up the fact that--that they're so unhappy! They're trying to prove to the world that it's better to live together than to be married.
Well, maybe it is! Maybe--maybe if we weren't married, we wouldn't be so bored with each other.
We wouldn't have so much trouble showing affection to each other.
Hey, we don't have any trouble showing affection! We can show affect-- Hey, you--you want me to show affection? I'll show-- Get over here! Oh, Michael.
You can't just order up affection.
It has to come naturally.
It has to be spontaneous.
None of this is spontaneous.
[EXHALES.]
I guess we're just going to have to face reality.
What are you saying? That we just don't seem to feel the same way about each other anymore.
What are you saying? Maybe we shouldn't be married to each other anymore.
What are you saying? That maybe we should get a d-- d-- d-- Divorce? Yeah, that's it.
Excuse me.
[SCREAMING.]
Michael! [CONTINUES SCREAMING.]
Mich--Michael, you're overreacting.
[SCREAMS.]
Michael, you're being over-emotional.
Now, if you come out, we can discuss this intelligently.
[HIGH-PITCHED CRYING.]
But you wanna get a divorce.
I'm sorry, honey, I didn't get that.
What did you say? You wanna get a divorce.
[SCREAMS.]
Michael, Michael honey, you're so upset.
Please, we can work this out.
Michael.
Michael, say something to me.
Michael, please.
Michael, I don't like this when you don't talk, Michael.
Michael, you're making me very, very, nervous.
You know what, Michael? You're forcing me to break down the door, you know? And, well, I don't want my size to fool you, Michael, 'cause I might be small, but I can do it.
Honey? Michael, I'm--I'm going to break it down on the count of three, and you're gonna be real sorry because the management is gonna make you pay for damages.
Michael? Okay then.
Okay, Michael.
Onetwo Oh! Oh, honey, honey, where was "three"? I didn't hear "three.
" You never said "three.
" I'm sorry.
It's just that I never did that before, and I thought you were supposed to run on two and hit on three.
No, no, you always say "three.
" You always must complete the final three, the full.
[LAUGHING.]
Is your stomach okay? Yeah.
How's your shoulder? Well, I can go like this, but I used to be able to go like this.
I thought I'ddo it.
Get a divorce! W-We don't have to get divorced, do we? Oh, no.
Because, Gloria, I'm thinkin' we have a lot of things together, don't we? Oh, yeah.
What? Well, respect? Respect.
We respect each other.
Yeah, yeah, we have that.
What else? W-We're very comfortable with each other.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's a good one, and--and we have Joey.
And we have a--we have a deep-seated friendship.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Gloria? Yeah? Gloria? Oh, yeah.
I think we're being spontaneous.
No, no, no, honey, don't say it or it isn't.
Yeah, keep going.
Keep going.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
In the bathroom? Yes.
Keep going, keep going.
Wait, what if the maid comes in? I don't want her.
I want you.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
MIKE: More sake! We're gonna get crazy! We're gonna get crazy! Hey, I wanna propose a toast.
To Bob and Lorraine.
Yeah, happy seventh anniversary! Seven years! [CHUCKLES.]
[KISSING SOUNDS.]
[KISSING CONTINUES.]
[KISSING CONTINUES LOUDLY.]
To the next seven years.
Maybe by then, you'll get married.
- Married? - Why should we get married? We love each other.
- [SIGHS.]
- [KISSING CONTINUES.]
[KISSING CONTINUES.]
This is delicious.
Yeah, mine's terrific, too.
- [TAPPING.]
- This is delicious.
MIKE: Hello there? Hello there? What are we eating? [LAUGHS.]
That's called ika.
And that's tako.
That's cute.
Ika, tako.
Yeah.
It's very good.
Yeah.
That's raw squid and that's pickled octopus.
Anything wrong? No, no, no, no, it's just I remembered that I'm on a squid-free diet.
And you won't believe this, but I had pickled octopus for lunch.
Yeah? Where? At McDonald's.
They have a-- They have a new Octopus McMuffin there.
So, you guys have been together such a long time, it's just like being married.
So why don't you get married? Why do you need marriage when you have a good relationship as it is? Oh, yeah.
See, we think alike.
Marriage doesn't change that.
So do we.
We have the same interests.
So do we.
Sometimes we stay up all night and talk.
So do we.
Sometimes, we stay up all night and don'ttalk.
[BOB CHUCKLING.]
So did we.
Do you realize that practically every couple we know who got married when you two did is either separated, divorced or miserable? Well, we're not separated or divorced.
Or miserable! That's why we wanted you to celebrate with us tonight, huh? - Seven years! - Yes, yes, yes.
Our turn to toast.
Oh, okay.
To the only married couple we know who is still together and happy.
Oh, that's nice.
To us, honey.
I mean, you may not have the same kind of passion, but--well, you have other things.
Oh, look at them.
Look at them.
- They are so-- - Together.
Oh, yeah.
You are so together, you're even beginning to look alike.
BOB: Here's to you.
Mmm, seven years.
I'm so glad you and Mike can have a weekend alone in the mountains.
You're gonna love the Poconos.
They're in Pennsylvania, you know.
Yeah.
When I was a little girl, every Easter I used to visit my Aunt Emma in Strasburg.
I'll never forget my little cousin Richard.
He used to drink buttermilk and tie me to trees.
Why did he tie you to trees? I don't even know why he drank buttermilk.
But I know the Poconos.
Yeah, Michael and I figured it'd be a nice place to spend a weekend.
We're gonna catch up on our reading and take nice, long hikes in the woods and get some of that fresh mountain air.
Oh, my, ain't this pretty! Oh, where did you get it? Uh, in the mail, I'll pack it.
Oh, no, I'll pack it.
No, Ma, I'm a big girl now.
I can pack it.
No, I'll pack it.
I ain't embarrassed.
Well, neither am I.
[LAUGHS.]
MIKE: Gloria, what's taking you so long? We gotta get going! GLORIA: All right, keep your pants on! Tell him that when you're in your love nest down in the "Poke Your Nose.
" You dirty guy.
Well, I may be a little dirty, but I'm on target.
Well, there's an old saying.
If everything is good in the hen house, youse don't have to go out to the store for eggs.
[CHUCKLES.]
Where'd you pick up that choice bit of wisdom? Well, you can find wise little wisdoms like that you get your nose outta that educational TV, tune in on Hee-Haw now and then.
- Ma? - Yeah? Can I ask you a question? Sure.
Uh, how are things between you and Daddy? Oh, there ain't nothing between me and him.
No, I mean, are things the same now as they were when you got married? Well, the dollar don't buy as much as it used to.
No, Ma, I mean the things we don't talk about.
What things we don't talk about? [EXHALES.]
Are things the same between you and Daddy as when you first got married? Oh.
Now I know what things we're talking about that we don't talk about.
Yeah, well, are things the same? Well, Gloria, you can't be newlyweds forever.
Oh.
But Michael and I promised each other the honeymoon would never end.
Oh, Gloria, it's gotta end.
Otherwise, you never get your housework done.
You know, they say that Russian spy satellite that crashed up in Canada gave cancer to a cow in Carbondale, Illinois.
What do ya think of that, Meathead? Not a heck of a lot, Arch.
Oh, you better start thinking of some of these things.
You read this here paper.
This paper'll make you think twice.
And by the by, you and Gloria going off this weekend down to "Poke Your Nose" there, if youse think that it's gonna put everything right, it's wrong.
Hey, there is nothing wrong between Gloria and me.
- [CHORTLES.]
- There isn't, Arch! I-it's like the thermostat on the wall.
If I turn it down a few degrees, we're not gonna freeze.
We just wouldn't be as hot as we were.
Oh, jeez.
I warned you about this years ago.
I knew youse was gonna blow out your thermostat.
Look, Arch, Gloria and I just need some time alone together, away from everything.
Well, yeah, but I tell ya the "Poke Your Nose" is the wrong place.
You shoulda did what I done with Edith, in a similar situation.
I took her down to Florida, to Disney World.
Oh, that's a great place.
And when you're done with all the love stuff, just step outside.
You have your real fun on the rides.
GLORIA: Ma, you got our number up there in case of an emergency.
Yeah.
And I left you the doctor's number.
- Yeah.
- And no candy for Joey.
Yeah.
I mean, no.
He's gotta be in bed by 8:00.
Yeah.
Bye, Grandpa.
Yeah, bye, Little Girl.
You have a nice time down there.
- Bye, Ma! - Have a wonderful time! Oh! What're you doin'? I ain't going nowhere! - Oh, sorry.
- Joey should be up in about an hour.
Now, don't let him play with any rocks, and don't let Daddy leave his matches out on the table.
Don't worry, we'll take good care of him.
Oh, my, ain't it nice they can have a weekend in the mountains.
Oh, the scenery is so beautiful.
They ain't gonna see it.
Oh! You! Oh, stop! [LAUGHS.]
Sensational afternoon, honey.
Yeah, that walk in the woods as beautiful, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, I love the woods.
And I love that huge fireplace in the lobby.
Yeah, it's a beautiful fire.
I just wish they wouldn't use Presto logs.
Where do Presto logs come from? I don't know.
I think Presto trees.
I notice you haven't mentioned the great gin game.
Could it be because I beat the pants off you? Uh, if you must know the truth, I happened to let you win.
Ha! That's right, that's right.
I let you win because I happen to be such a swell guy.
You let me win.
Sure.
Yeah, I let you win.
All right, I don't care, even if you threw the game, you still owe me $12 million.
I tell you what.
We'll go double or nothing for the 12 million.
Pick a number between one and ten.
Umnine.
I owe you $24 million.
And while we're at it, I noticed that we're not mentioning the great ping-pong game we played.
That's because I let you win.
You let me win? 21-0? Yeah, well, when I throw a game, I really throw a game.
Honey, you gotta pull from the heel.
I am pulling from the heel.
No, you're not.
I got the heel.
This is the heel.
I'm pulling it right from the heel.
It's not coming off.
I know.
I can't help that.
You need different leverage, Michael.
Yeah, right.
Push up.
Push up.
No, get down-- Let me get it this way.
Michael.
There.
There we go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you doing? You trying to make a wish? It's coming.
I got it now.
I got it now.
Here itcomes.
There itgoes.
There.
Yeah.
That was easy.
Uh.
what should we do now? Um--(clears throat)-- why don't we finish unpacking? Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
I mean, we still have all of tonight and tomorrow to, you know.
Yeah.
Heh heh.
Hey, feast your eyes on this! Hello! You like it? Wow.
Should I wear it? Well, yeah, of course you should wear it.
Not now.
Not now? Well, I-I think it-- it's a little bit casual for the dining room.
Oh, you mean we're gonna eat first.
Well, yeah, I-I thought we'd eat first.
Y-you see the menu? Prime rib, strawberry shortcake.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
Uh, we should change for the dining room.
We'll change, right, for the dining room.
That's all.
The romance has gone out of our marriage.
[GLORIA CRYING.]
Why, because we're gonna have dinner? No, because we came here to rekindle our romance.
I have absolutely no complaints about the dinners in our marriage.
So I--uhh-- So what're we gonna do after dinner? Well, after dinner, we'll do stuff.
What "stuff"? Watch basketball on TV? Of course not! We're here to rekindle.
- We're not gonna watch a dumb old basketball game.
- Good.
Especially the way the Knicks are playing lately, it's It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
It's not your fault! They're in a very tough division.
No, Michael, you know I'm talking about us.
Now, we came here to sort of make up for everything this weekend, right? Right.
Now? All right, all right.
Okay! Hey.
Let's rekindle.
Uh, wh-what should we do? You wanna kiss first, then-- Okay.
There, we did that.
Uh, why don't we sit down? Because I'm not comfortable with my neck, you know-- Yeah, all right, we'll just, uh, sit over here.
See, that'll be a little bit more comfortable.
- There.
- Okay.
Yeah, uh, honey, could you get-- - I'm sorry.
- It's--yeah.
You're pressing against, you know-- Just move your-- Get--no, no-- get your feet-- Now, uh, why-- What's--why isn't this-- there's something wrong.
Nothing, I just have this feeling that I'm too heavy for your lap.
No, no, no, it's not you, it's me.
It's--I've always had very poor circulation in my thighs.
Just see if you can get your feet up.
Get them up around-- Ah, get--there! That's it! That's it! That's it.
Now hold that.
Go ahead.
Go a--go ahead.
No, no, you know what's wrong? It's the chair.
A chair is a place for kindling.
It's not a place for rekindling.
For rekindling, you gotta go to a bed.
Let's go to the bed.
Come on.
Uh, would you like to carry me over there? Why? You tired? No, I just thought it might be romantic.
Oh, oh, yeah! Sure! Sure, romantic.
That's better.
There we go.
[GROANING.]
Honey, you think you could walk the rest of the way? My back's hurting.
Sure, sure, sweetheart.
Sorry.
- Oh.
- It's bigger than the bed at home.
Yeah.
Much more.
[BOTH SIGHING.]
- You comfortable? - Oh, yeah.
- Isn't this better? - Much.
[BOTH SIGH HEAVILY.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You know what's wrong? W-we're approaching this thing in a very familiar manner.
I think if we--if we do something different, if we do something exciting You don't wanna tie me to a tree, do you? What? Oh, never mind.
Yeah, no, I just thought that we're in our same side of the bed that we're always on.
What if we switch sides? Oh, that's a good idea.
Let's switch sides.
It'll be more exciting.
Hey, I feel more excited already on this side.
- Here, here we go.
- Okay.
Here we go.
[MUFFLED.]
See, isn't that better? - Isn't that nice? - Mmm-hmm.
- You know what's wrong? - Yeah.
It's my shoes.
I can't do this with my shoes on.
It's too sleazy.
No, no, you know what's wrong? It is not the poor circulation in your thighs, and it is not the chair, and it is not what side of the bed we're on.
It is that-- The romance has gone out of our marriage.
Gloria, don't say that! But it's true! What's happened to us?! We used to be such animals! We're still animals! We are still animals! We're--we're just, uh, just a little housebroken, that's all.
I, uh, I-- I read somewhere that it's a biological fact that a man reaches his prime at the age of 17.
But you were in Chicago when you were 17.
It looks like I missed your entire prime.
[CRIES.]
I want us to be like Bob and Lorraine! Hey, hey, forget Bob and Lorraine! You think they're happy? Hah! They're not happy! The only reason that they're always kissing in public is because they're trying to cover up the fact that--that they're so unhappy! They're trying to prove to the world that it's better to live together than to be married.
Well, maybe it is! Maybe--maybe if we weren't married, we wouldn't be so bored with each other.
We wouldn't have so much trouble showing affection to each other.
Hey, we don't have any trouble showing affection! We can show affect-- Hey, you--you want me to show affection? I'll show-- Get over here! Oh, Michael.
You can't just order up affection.
It has to come naturally.
It has to be spontaneous.
None of this is spontaneous.
[EXHALES.]
I guess we're just going to have to face reality.
What are you saying? That we just don't seem to feel the same way about each other anymore.
What are you saying? Maybe we shouldn't be married to each other anymore.
What are you saying? That maybe we should get a d-- d-- d-- Divorce? Yeah, that's it.
Excuse me.
[SCREAMING.]
Michael! [CONTINUES SCREAMING.]
Mich--Michael, you're overreacting.
[SCREAMS.]
Michael, you're being over-emotional.
Now, if you come out, we can discuss this intelligently.
[HIGH-PITCHED CRYING.]
But you wanna get a divorce.
I'm sorry, honey, I didn't get that.
What did you say? You wanna get a divorce.
[SCREAMS.]
Michael, Michael honey, you're so upset.
Please, we can work this out.
Michael.
Michael, say something to me.
Michael, please.
Michael, I don't like this when you don't talk, Michael.
Michael, you're making me very, very, nervous.
You know what, Michael? You're forcing me to break down the door, you know? And, well, I don't want my size to fool you, Michael, 'cause I might be small, but I can do it.
Honey? Michael, I'm--I'm going to break it down on the count of three, and you're gonna be real sorry because the management is gonna make you pay for damages.
Michael? Okay then.
Okay, Michael.
Onetwo Oh! Oh, honey, honey, where was "three"? I didn't hear "three.
" You never said "three.
" I'm sorry.
It's just that I never did that before, and I thought you were supposed to run on two and hit on three.
No, no, you always say "three.
" You always must complete the final three, the full.
[LAUGHING.]
Is your stomach okay? Yeah.
How's your shoulder? Well, I can go like this, but I used to be able to go like this.
I thought I'ddo it.
Get a divorce! W-We don't have to get divorced, do we? Oh, no.
Because, Gloria, I'm thinkin' we have a lot of things together, don't we? Oh, yeah.
What? Well, respect? Respect.
We respect each other.
Yeah, yeah, we have that.
What else? W-We're very comfortable with each other.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's a good one, and--and we have Joey.
And we have a--we have a deep-seated friendship.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Gloria? Yeah? Gloria? Oh, yeah.
I think we're being spontaneous.
No, no, no, honey, don't say it or it isn't.
Yeah, keep going.
Keep going.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
In the bathroom? Yes.
Keep going, keep going.
Wait, what if the maid comes in? I don't want her.
I want you.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.