Friends s08e20 Episode Script

- Hi! - Hey! So, what's the final head count on my baby shower? Twenty.
Some work people had things to do.
Your sisters can't make it.
They're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking.
As long as my mom's here.
- Oh, my God.
Your mother.
- My mom's not gonna be here? Given we forgot to invite her, it'd be a big coincidence if she was.
My God! Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.
I don't have a mother.
Often I forget Oh, give it a rest.
So my mother is not coming to my baby shower? No.
Neither is mine.
We'll take care of it.
We'll call her.
You go home and get ready.
Make sure she comes.
It's important.
It's my mom.
- I know.
What's her number? - I don't know.
Go.
I have it in my book.
Go.
If you're in charge of invitations, why am I calling her? Hello, Mrs.
Green! Hi, it's Monica Geller.
- Oh, hello, Monica.
- Hi.
It's last-minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
- My daughters told me when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
"- For what", "dear?" For not inviting me, or for lying about it? Oh, my God! My ass is sweating.
Please, please, can you come? It starts at 4:00.
- Well, all right.
I'll see you at 4:00.
- Thank you.
- Isn't it at 3:00? - Son of a bitch! The One With the Baby Shower mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 Hey! Wanna shoot some hoops? I'm practicing for an audition to be host of a game show.
- Cool! - Great! If I get it, by day, I'll be Dr.
Drake Ramoray.
But by night, I'll be Joey Tribbiani! You'd be perfect! That's your name! The audition's soon, and I don't understand the game.
Do you want help? Oh, really? That'd be great.
Hey, you guys can be the contestants! We can lose to junior-high girls some other time.
- All right.
Let's play Bamboozled! - Bamboozled? - Isn't that a cool name? - Yeah! All right.
Okay.
Our first contestant is Ross Geller.
Tell us about yourself, Ross.
Well, I'm a paleontologist.
I live in New York.
I have a son, Ben.
Hi, Ben! And I said, "a little bit.
" How about you, Chandler? I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists with rogue Third World nations.
Hi, Rasputin.
Excellent! Let's play! Chandler, you'll go first.
- What is the capital of Colombia? - Bogota.
It's Bogota, but close enough.
You can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango Card.
- What does a Wicked Wango Card do? - I should know that.
Let's see.
One moment, please Here we are.
A Wicked Wango Card determines if you go higher or lower.
Higher or lower than what? - This is embarrassing! - Can you believe how lame this is? I'm sorry.
I don't believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.
I told the stripper to be here at 5.
That's good, right? You ordered a stripper? That is inappropriate.
Why? He's gonna be dressed as a baby.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Green.
I'm so glad you could make it.
Thank you so much.
We're so sorry.
We could not feel worse about it.
Try.
There's my little girl! - She's still mad.
- Yeah, I know.
Isn't it great? One less person to make small talk with.
Phoebe, Sandra's mad at you too.
It doesn't bother you? We've apologized twice.
I can't do any more than that.
You hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it.
Okay.
I can do that.
- I gotta go powder my ass.
- Oh.
That face! Like when you were in high school.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you're a cheerleader in trouble.
Come, let's get some tea.
Oh, my! Look at that.
Only three weeks to go.
Did you pick a nanny? If you use your maid, it will split her focus.
Actually, I'm not gonna use a nanny.
And I don't have a maid.
It's like you're a cave person.
You must get a nanny.
You don't know how overwhelming it will be.
When you were a baby, I had Mrs.
K.
Mrs.
K! Oh, yeah, she was sweet.
She taught me Spanish.
I actually think I remember some of it: Tu madre esta loca.
Such a sweet woman.
As great as she was, I can't afford that.
- Oh, Rachel! - What? I just had a great idea! I'm gonna come live with you! What? What? Oh, I'm so happy I'm gonna do this for my little girl.
Look at you.
You have tears in your eyes.
Yes, yes, I do.
Ross is in the lead.
Another question, or spin the Wheel of Mayhem? The Wheel has not been my friend tonight, Joey.
I'll take another question.
This is tough.
Hold your breath.
It's okay.
I'm ready.
You gotta hold your breath until you answer.
This is ridiculous! He's not gonna Okay.
What do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia? Triska Holy cow.
That's a big word.
Tris Look at this.
How do you say that? - Let me see that.
- This one right here.
- Triskaidekaphobia.
- Fear of Triscuits! - No! No.
Fear of the number 13.
- Fear of Triscuits? It's possible.
They have really sharp edges.
Chandler, you're up.
I'm entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn.
- This game makes no sense! - You're upset because you're losing.
Oh, come on, Ross.
I think we're all losers here.
You can either spin the Wheel or pick a Google Card.
Let me think, let me think.
Oh, I don't care.
You must choose.
- Either.
It makes no difference.
- Choose, you jackass.
- I'll take a card.
- You picked the Gimme Card! - You get all of Ross' points! - What? This game is kind of fun! You don't think it's crazy you get my points? The contestants aren't supposed to speak to each other.
- Why did you invite my mother? - What? She wants to move in and help care for the baby.
- For how long? - Eight weeks.
I love my mother, but, my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.
I'd be honored if she wanted to live with me.
She can't hear you.
What am I gonna do? If you don't want her to move in with you, just tell her.
You're right.
I'm about to have a baby.
I can say I don't want her sleeping on my couch.
She'll wanna sleep in my bed.
This can't happen.
That is right.
Tell her you don't want her to live with you.
Do not take no for an answer.
This is great! Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel! And I'm just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.
I have new respect for Chandler.
All right, everybody! It's time to open the presents! Yes! The first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother.
Because you're the most important person in this room! And in the world! I don't have one because I was invited late.
But thank you so much, dear, for bringing that to everybody's attention.
How about you less important people? Let's open your presents! - It's okay that you didn't get a gift.
- I kind of did.
Me! Eight weeks of me.
Okay.
See, Mom? The truth is, I can do this on my own.
I know you're gonna be a terrific mom.
But you need help at the beginning.
I know what I'm doing.
I can handle it.
Really? Remember Twinkles? He was a hamster.
I'm not gonna vacuum up my baby! Okay, come on, Rach.
It's present time! You're the glue holding this party together.
It's kind of falling apart here.
- Oh, look! - Wow! This is from work friends.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! Oh, I know what this is.
Wait a minute.
That can't be right.
Is that a beer bong for a baby? Darling, that's a breast pump.
Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that.
Oh, wow! What's this? - It's a Diaper Genie.
- It dispenses clean diapers! It's where you put dirty ones.
Why don't you take it outside and throw it in a dumpster? - You're gonna do that 10 times a day? - What, it goes 10 times a day? Are we feeding this baby Indian food? No, dear.
That's what babies do.
Rachel, listen to your mother.
She is very smart.
What will you do with the baby while you trot out to the garbage? I don't know, I'd leave it on the changing table? - What? What did I do? What did I do? - You can't leave a baby alone.
Of course, I know that! Of course you never leave a baby alone.
It would She wouldn't be safe.
Not as safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy.
Opening the presents is a little overwhelming right now.
I'm gonna maybe open them all a little bit later.
Thank you for coming, for the gifts and this basket is beautiful.
- It's actually a bassinet.
Okay, Mommy, don't ever leave me.
In what film is the line: "We don't need no stinking badges!" "- Treasure of the Sierra Madre"! - Backwards Bonus.
"- Madre Sierra the of Treasure"! - Yes! I'd like to go up the Ladder of Chance! - Wise! How many rungs? - Six! - That noise can only mean one thing.
- Hungry Monkey! - I'd like a Wicked Wango Card.
- It's an audio question.
Name this television theme song: Oh, my God.
I know this.
Give me a second.
- Tell the Time Turtle! - Shut up! - "I Dream of Jeannie"! - Yes! I'd like to spin the Wheel.
Oh, come on! Super Speedy Speed Round.
- Is there a Hopping Bonus? - Of course.
- Who invented bifocals? - Franklin! Which monarch ruled Great Britain the longest? Queen Victoria! You forgot to switch legs between questions.
No Hopping Bonus! Every time! - Yeah.
Now over to Chandler.
- I'd like a Google Card.
- Are you sure? - Yes! No! Google! Oh, my God! Congratulations, Ross! Because, Chandler you've been Bamboozled! - No! - Yes! - This is the best game ever! You'll stay as long as I need you? - Of course.
- I swear I'm not an idiot.
I read books on pregnancy and giving birth.
I didn't think to read about what to do when the baby comes.
And the baby's coming and I don't know what to do.
Oh, can I throw up in my Diaper Genie? Sweetie, you're gonna be fine.
- Where you going? - I'm going to the bathroom.
Now, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be okay.
It is gonna be okay! Worth a shot.
Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty? I just Bamboozled Chandler! Which is not a sexual thing.
- Well, that was a quick shower.
- Not if you were here.
We got good stuff.
We did.
My mom got us the greatest gift of all.
A Play-Doh Barbershop? No.
She's going to live with us for eight weeks.
What? Yes! She's gonna help us take care of the baby! You're not serious! She's a very nice woman, but we can't take eight weeks of her.
- She'll drive us crazy - Hi, Ross! Hey, roomie! Hey, I'm Ray.
I'm the producer of the show.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Ray.
This is Duncan and Erin.
They're gonna help with the audition.
- Right, Ray.
- Whenever you're ready.
Hello.
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Let's play Bamboozled! Erin, first question.
In hockey, who is known as "The Great One"? - Gretzky.
- Correct! Want to pick a Wicked Wango Card or spin the Wheel? Didn't your agents give you the revised rules? We've eliminated all that.
No wheel.
No cards.
Why? It was too complicated.
People didn't follow it.
Complicated?! Spin the Wheel to go up the Ladder of Chance through the Rainbow Ring to the Golden Monkey.
You yank his tail, and you're in Paradise Pond! Yeah.
All that's gone.
It's a simple question- and-answer game now.
Well, what's fun about that? You expect me to host a boring game of people answering questions? Women in bikinis hold up the scores.
Let's play Bamboozled! Oh, and all those dinosaur knickknacks you have They might be better in the garage.
- Well, we don't have a garage.
- Did I say garage? I meant garbage.
You know what? Maybe it's not absolutely vital that you live with us.
- Well, Rachel needs help with the baby.
- I really do.
I don't know anything.
I'm sure that's untrue.
Oh, no? Do I know anything about babies? - No.
Not a thing.
- It's frightening.
Even if she doesn't know anything, I do.
I have a son.
His mother and I didn't live together.
When he was with me, I took care of him all the time, by myself.
- That's true.
You do have another child.
- Yeah.
With another woman.
Have you no control, Ross? That's a different issue.
The point is, when the baby comes, I will be there to feed her and bathe her and change her.
I want to do all those things.
- You don't need me to live with you.
- Yes! Yes.
You're gonna be so missed.
- You'll be a great father.
- You'll be a wonderful grandma.
Hello? I still don't know what the hell I'm doing! Every first-time mother feels that way.
You're gonna pick it up.
Hey, you will.
Look, when you first came to the city you were a spoiled, helpless little girl who used Daddy's credit cards! I hope you're going somewhere with this.
Look at you.
You're this big executive.
You are very capable.
I have no doubt you're gonna be an incredible mother.
- Really? - I'm telling you.
Thank you.
All right.
I'm gonna get going.
No, sweetheart, stay put.
I'll let myself out.
It's like I'm not here.
Which I almost wasn't.
You're just so funny.
You're so funny.
What do I do? Nothing.
You have apologized to her like a million times.
And she's been nothing but terrible to you.
You just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower.
- And she hasn't even thanked you for it.
- You know what? You're right.
If you wanna say anything, I'd tell her off.
Really? Okay, I will.
Mrs.
Green? Mrs.
Green? It is rude not to say goodbye to the host.
When someone apologizes to you, the decent thing to do is to accept it.
What I did wasn't on purpose.
But what you're doing to me now is plain spiteful.
- Spiteful? - Right.
It's time you took a good look in the mirror, young lady! Old lady! Lady! Wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
So whenever you're ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you.
Good day.
I can't feel my legs! You were fantastic! I'm so proud of you.
- Yeah? I'm proud of me too.
- You should be.
- Could you get me something to drink? - You got it! Mrs.
Green? Okay, I'm really sorry! I apologize.
If you Okay! I bit my tongue! But I'm still really sorry! - Okay, I'm ready.
- You sure? I've done my studying, and I know my stuff.
All right, then.
Rachel Green, let's play Bamboozled! How do you test bathwater temperature? - Put your elbow in it.
- Good! - How do you let a baby nap? - Full, dry, on its back, no loose covers.
Correct! This is an audio question.
What do you do when a baby makes this sound: Check if it's wet or hungry, burp it.
Excellent! Now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango Card? - A card! A card! I pick a card! - Oh, I'm sorry.
You've been Bamboozled! You're gonna be a terrible mother! I've lost sight of why we're doing this!