The Goldbergs s08e21 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, Australia was everywhere.
We went mad for Men at Work and all-in on Olivia Newton-John.
But for my brother Barry, the only Aussie that mattered was Crocodile Dundee.
He's stepping on those New Yorkers with boots covered in kangaroo dung, and they love him for it! And who deserves to live happily ever after more than a leathery Australian man who threatens city folk with a giant knife? Stop being mopey.
It's annoying.
I'm sorry if my lack of joy inconveniences you.
I'm still reeling from my break-up with your sister.
When a bloke loses his Sheila, it's worse than when a dingo steals your baby.
Your words are nonsense, but your tone is comforting, - so thank you, I guess? - Okay, how do I look? Let me just straighten this out a little bit.
Ooh! Oh.
What the hell, lady?! [Sighs.]
Now it's uneven.
Okay, I can fix it.
[Fabric tears.]
Oh, my God! Why are you even here?! You want to win back Geoff's heart, and I want to help you.
Your hair needs more oomph.
Luckily, I've got a crimper, a curler, and a flat iron in my purse.
Back off, Vidal Sassoon.
I'm not here to win him back.
I just really miss him, and I want to figure things out.
Well, then what am I even doing here? I'd like to know, too.
Just let me put some lotion on your legs.
Just go! You think it's gonna be easy making an intimate, romantic connection without your mom? [Chuckles.]
We'll see.
[Sighs.]
Probably the case of Vegemite I ordered.
I bought a ton because there's no way it's not delicious.
Hello? Anyone in there? It's just my dumb sister.
Barry, no, no, no.
You can't open it.
She probably wants to know why I didn't show up to her gig in L.
A.
Why did you leave her hanging in that incredibly important moment? I humiliated myself when I bumped into her, and I thought I'd just cut my losses.
- Was that the wrong move? - Impossible to say, but definitely.
- [Knock on door.]
- Just make something up.
Get rid of her.
I got you.
Let's go.
[Sighs.]
Dear sister.
Back from the City of Angels.
Did you get me a tiny Oscar that says "Best Brother"? I don't have the energy for Barry time.
Just tell me where Geoff is.
[Sighs.]
I have no idea.
Too busy grabbing life by the horns to check in with Big Tasty.
Really? Geoff's doing well? He's crushing life.
He's looking jacked, feeling jacked.
Hell, he's even seeing a new jacked lady.
A lady? What lady? Like, a real lady with eyes and feet? All the parts.
In fact, she's from Australia.
Her name's Paula Hogan.
Plays a fierce didgeridoo.
[Laughs.]
So unexpected and haunting.
Anyway, may I take a message? I guess just say hey and congrats on landing a super muscular Australian lady named Paula.
Or no message.
Bye.
What the hell, Barry? Why would you say that? The best lies are specific and upsetting.
Now, let's get you cleaned up.
- No.
What? No! - Come on.
Come on, dude! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was May 12th, 1980-something, and senior prom was approaching.
I couldn't wait to party with my friends and my girl, Brea.
I need some dress info.
Are we still going classic black? And is a corsage that squirts water still a deal breaker? It is, and that's all I'm telling you - except that my dress is perfect.
- I feel ya.
I mean, my tux is a rental and deeply discounted because it's a size called "almost a mister," but we have everything in common.
Well, what we do have is pretty special.
[Chuckles.]
What's up with your face? It's the same smile you had when you fell in that puppy pit in 5th grade.
There's not a man alive who wouldn't love that many little tongues.
- And I'm excited about this weekend.
- So you heard about it, too? Mega Twister's finally here.
Twister? Oh, no, thanks.
My mom says that's a gateway game to having babies.
Mega Twister the new coaster at White Swan Park.
I heard it killed three people in testing.
As much fun as possibly falling out of the sky in Pittsburgh sounds, I think you're forgetting prom is this Friday.
I didn't forget.
But as I don't have a date, I think you know what that means.
- Is that our friendship pact? - Indeed.
This states that if one of us doesn't have a prom date, the other will stand by him in lonesome solidarity.
I was being a boy, not signing a mortgage.
And what about Brea? You're always going on about how understanding she is.
She'll get it.
We're gonna eat churros and do a loop-de-loop! There was no way I could choose between my girl and my best friend.
So in a desperate move, I went to the only other person home.
Dad, I need your help.
I'm saving my energy for a trip to the kitchen later.
- What about Mom? - Great idea.
She can bring me food from the kitchen.
Why is it when I don't need advice, everyone has some, but when I do need it, you're the only one here? - Just say the thing.
- Fine.
I'm excited to go to prom with Brea, but Dave Kim doesn't want to go.
What do I do? The kid who wears glasses in the pool can't get a date to prom? How'd you know that? The only reason you wouldn't go to prom is 'cause you don't have a date.
So, you're saying if he did have a date, - I wouldn't have to choose? - I don't know.
I stopped listening after I was done talking.
While my dad helped me get Dave Kim to prom, Geoff was stuck on how to get Erica back.
- JTP.
- ALL: JTP! It's come to my attention that before I see Erica again, I need to get out of my funk and become the best version of myself.
- Good for you! - Amen to that.
I am way behind this idea, too, but can we pause to find out what Barry is wearing? - What? - These are the threads of the manliest man on the planet.
He's obsessed with Crocodile Dundee, and it's bleeding into everything he does.
You should stop questioning it - and embrace your inner Dundee, too.
- That's not a thing.
- You still love Erica, right? - More than anything.
Well, she'll never want you back in this pitiful state.
I wouldn't say "pitiful.
" If hot, wet garbage had a butt, you'd be it.
The silver lining this is a chance to become the new and improved Geoff of Erica's dreams.
I mean, that is sort of what I'm going for.
And with that, the floor is open to how Geoff can be less of a sad puddle of despair that everyone despises.
You could start with basic personal hygiene.
You could grow a beard.
And proper diet and exercise are always a good idea.
No, something big.
Something that would show Erica that I've sampled life.
[Gasps.]
How about stalking and killing a croc and making a vest out of its supple belly skin? Or I've always wanted to try darts.
You've never played darts before? 'Cause what if I miss and I hit a foreign dignitary and I trigger an international squabble that spirals into World War III? I'm writing it down.
With that, Geoff came up with the most underwhelming bucket list ever.
So, what are you gonna try first? Let's throw caution to the wind and try some medium-spicy salsa.
All right.
Got one loaded up for ya.
- I'm not ready.
- BARRY: Geoff.
You think Crocodile Dundee was just born with instincts - to outwit a deadly wombat? - A what? I think it's either a small bear or a fat squirrel.
Okay, if I eat the chip, do you promise to never bring up Crocodile Dundee again? No promises, Alligator Schwartz.
Eat the Dorito.
[Sighs.]
[Crunch.]
Not too much heat.
Okay, now some burning, but I'm gonna fight through it.
Oh, wow! My tongue is on fire! Wait.
It's subsiding.
I survived.
The jar says "mild.
" You haven't succeeded in any way.
- Sorry, buddy.
- You were so close.
My cousin's baby eats that stuff.
Even though it was mild, I feel like I've started my journey to self-discovery.
ALL: Mild! Mild! Mild! Mild! [Gasps.]
There she is! Congratulations to the happy couple, together again.
We're not back together.
Oh.
Well, in that case Mom, that was a whole cake! I make six cakes a day, most of which you never see.
What happened? Geoff's seeing some saucy Aussie named Paula Hogan.
Australia? [Scoffs.]
Those people throw shrimps on the barbie with no cheese whatsoever.
That's definitely the takeaway here.
Worst of all, I had to hear it from Barry.
Wait, so you didn't talk to Geoff? So? So, I love your brother with every fiber of my being, but he's a barely functioning human.
Wait, are you actually admitting one of your children might have a flaw? Please.
He is a perfect angel without any fault or weakness.
But 100% yes.
We've gotta find out the truth.
As my mom swore to find the facts on Geoff, I was on a mission of my own land my best bud a prom date.
Dave Kim.
Mop-top like a Beatle or the excellent character actress Linda Hunt.
He looks great in a turtleneck.
Like a sea captain.
Wait till he pops those glasses off.
Sure, he will be legally blind and fly into a panic that his doctor calls "the shadow terrors," but hubba-hubba, am I right? - You are not.
- Ew.
No.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Well, now that you've said yes, what about instead of Matt Dillon, you're going with Dave Kim? I-I just remembered, all my grandmas just died.
It was gonna be harder than I thought.
But then, I remembered Dave Kim's old flame, Carla.
There she is.
The second-prettiest girl in the world.
Who's first? I'll kill her dead.
I meant a-after my girlfriend.
You have a girlfriend? Man, the world has changed since I got out.
"Got out"? Of school? Sure.
The reason I'm here is to remind you of your first great love.
Gummy bear-flavored vodka? Equally intoxicating Dave Kim.
I do miss the DK Broiler someone who spoiled me with minimal human decency.
Then how about you take him to prom? She's spoken for, homeslice.
He wants me to get back together with Dave Kim.
- Would that make you angry? - Yeah.
- Let's dance, Goldnerd.
- There you go! Take off your shirt and fight him.
Today was your last day upright, muchacho! What? Just Just Whoa.
Sleep on it! Sleep on it! Shoot! I had officially exhausted all my options - [School bell rings.]
- which was not gonna be good news - for my best pal.
- Dave Kim! Or should I say, "Dave Gym"? Hoh-hoh! Put the guns away, Josey Wales.
I guess I have been lightsabering all winter.
But I have great news.
My aunt got us White Swan VIP passes.
We can cut any line! What a fun thing that you think is better than a warm human prom date.
Adam, I tried.
You wouldn't believe how many girls said no to me.
I might.
I really appreciate this.
It means everything to me.
Maybe a meteor will hit Jenkintown and I won't have to make any decisions tomorrow.
That's how I live my life.
Carpe who cares.
While I dug myself into a hole, Geoff was finally coming out of his funk and sampling all the things he didn't do when he was with Erica like being an iguana guy.
What is that, a cricket in your mouth? What's your appeal? He took a watercolor class.
I love how much it looks like the towel I wipe my brushes on.
He even tried some travel.
All right, map, where to next? Downtown Philly.
Looks like someone's venturing beyond their comfort zone and seeing the Italian Market.
Trying all this stuff has actually been really great.
Yeah.
Now you just need to stop a purse-snatcher with a soup can, and your transformation into an Australian sex icon will be complete.
Even your odd obsession with the croc movie isn't gonna diminish my pleasure in the personal growth I've made.
Shut up! [Sniffs.]
I know that smell.
It's my mom's signature scent meatballs and Aqua Net.
What are you guys doing here? I was just power-walking your beautiful campus on a self-guided architecture tour.
I'm a big fan of buildings built in the last six months.
That tracks.
Erica, h-hey.
Hey, Geoff.
You look tan.
Thanks.
New sunscreen I've been trying out.
I'm going with SPF 30.
30? You're an 80 man.
I've actually been trying out a lot of new things lately.
N-New is always better than old, familiar, and tons of shared history.
- I'm actually not - Available.
To talk.
Because he's on his way to a drained pool so he can shred the gnar, right, Geoff? Right, yeah.
I mean, gnars must be shredded.
But, you know, I just want to clear up Clear up his horrible bacne.
[Scoffs.]
Ugh, it's not okay.
That's another thing he's doing as a new, improved man.
Now, skate away triumphantly, Geoff.
Go! Check out the administration building.
It's nice.
Wow, he's really doing it.
This doesn't prove he's dating someone, too.
But this does.
[Dramatic music plays.]
Paula Hogan.
- She's real.
- Whoa, what a natural beauty.
I mean, gross.
Ew! Who Who would want dimples and a joyful spirit? What do I do? Don't jump to conclusions just from one photo.
This isn't over.
It feels like it is.
[Bleep.]
Australia.
Prom was only a day away, and I had to choose between my best friend and my girlfriend.
Goldberg, no sleeping in my classroom! It's an insult to me and whatever subject I teach.
I'm in the middle of a crippling meltdown over here.
Boo-hoo.
Talk to me when you're workin' three jobs to afford medicated food for a dog that hates you.
What's got you so worked up? - It's prom.
- Tell me about it.
My boyfriend can't come because his frat's being investigated.
You don't have a prom date? Yeah.
I'd pretty much go with anyone, at this point.
I know someone that qualifies as anyone.
How about Dave Kim? That grabby kid in the wheelchair? Very different person, but if you're cool with Wayne, you're gonna have no problem with my guy.
On the following condition you have to do all of my homework for the rest of the semester.
Completely unreasonable.
But it solves my problem and I'm uncomfortable with conflict.
Deal.
And that includes the labs for this class.
Sydney, where do you think you're going? My new lab partner's got this.
Goldberg, are you debasing yourself to curry favor with a cheerleader? Full respect.
Guys, guess what happened? Puberty? Say goodbye to clear skin and hello to weird feelings about your mom's friend Janet.
I just got asked to prom by Sydney! Sydney the cheerleader asked you, with that haircut? Explain yourself.
She just walked up and did it.
I kind of blacked out after that, but it's real.
But what about White Swan Park? Screw White Swan.
I'm going to prom with the hottest girl in school.
No offense, Brea.
Women aren't some commodity for you to rank.
Fine, you're co-number ones.
Dave Kim, I'm impressed.
Yeah, your face suddenly looks less punchable.
Oh, man.
I gotta get my magician's tux from the trunk in the attic.
The Amazing Dave is amazing again.
While Dave Kim was declaring victory, Erica was admitting defeat.
What the hell are you doing? Just going back to L.
A.
to be with Lainey and start my Geoff-less life without Geoff.
You can't give up.
Our whole relationship was me forcing my will on him.
If he's happy with this new life, then I'm not gonna be the one to ruin it.
So if someone else were to ruin it Stop.
No meddling.
Okay, well, I am not gonna just sit back and watch you leave.
That's not your choice, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
Really? What the hell? [Screams.]
Holy crap! That was mostly leather! There's nothin' more powerful than a mama bear when she's cornered.
I'm not gonna deny that wasn't impressive, but still, you need to leave me and Geoff alone.
You have my word.
I will leave you and Geoff alone.
[Door slams.]
Paula Hogan? [Australian accent.]
How can I help you? You can start by keeping your bloomin' yapper shut, you homewrecker.
Or whatever it is you call home down undah.
It's "home.
" We speak English.
And what's happening? I'm talking about you floozing around with that sweet, innocent boy.
- "Floozing around"? - Save it.
I can barely understand a word you're saying anyway.
What you did to my schmoopie is unforgivable, but you're gonna fix it.
Well, that sounds vaguely like a threat.
Nothin' vague about it.
Well, I-I'm gonna close my door now and lock it.
So, g'day.
[Chuckles.]
It is now.
My mom thought she had driven Paula Hogan away.
Meanwhile, Brea and I were still waiting for our ride.
Ah, there.
Our chariot arrives.
What's up, fools?! It's prom! Dave Kim? I didn't know you were gonna be in our limo.
Funny story Corbett, JC, and their gal pals swung by to pick Sydney and I up, and now there's no room.
- I hired the limo.
- Thanks for that! - See you guys there! - Step on it, Tim! My lady likes the wind in her hair.
['80s dance music plays.]
I can't believe your mom had to drive us to prom.
I can't believe you tried to tip her.
I'm sorry, okay? I just can't believe Dave Kim.
I got him that date with Sydney.
Wait, you got him that date? Yeah, so we could be together.
This is our last prom ever.
That's what I thought, but here I am.
Johnny Atkins? Who are you here with? This backpack that I'm filling with soda and cookies.
Tell anyone, and I'll punch you.
Even thought it's a crime now because of our age difference.
So, it was a rocky start.
Good news was, prom could only get better from here.
Or so I thought.
Look who finally made it Mr.
No Limo.
That's really clever, and at my expense, for some reason.
Drama.
I guess someone's upset we're wearing the same thing.
It's a tuxedo, Dave Kim.
We're all wearing the same thing.
- Woof.
Someone's obsessed with me.
- [Laughter.]
You're lucky to even be here tonight, Dave Kim.
Yikes.
You're clearly jealous - 'cause you're not King Nerd anymore.
- "King Nerd"? Another socially challenged gent landed a smokeshow, and you can't handle the new power dynamic.
You didn't land Sydney.
I paid her to ask you to prom! [Music stops.]
Whoa.
That's as cold as these berry parfaits.
Hey! Food backpack? Nice.
- Sydney, is this true? - Yeah, but if it helps, my boyfriend will find this hilarious.
I see.
Well, I guess it all worked out for you, Adam.
You got your memorable prom after all.
- Ready for pictures? - You need to fix this.
What about our magical prom? It's just one night, Adam.
Dave Kim has been your friend forever.
Are you saying to go to him? No, just find him and talk to him.
Why does everything have to be a big production with you? Just go.
As I was off to find Dave Kim, Geoff had found himself.
I'm proud of you, big guy.
- Feel like a changed man? - GEOFF: I do.
For the first time in a long time, I-I know what I want out of life Erica.
- This calls for a hug.
- Yep.
[Laughter.]
That's not a hug.
This is a hug.
[Knock on door.]
Could it be? Is that fate magically bringing Erica to your doorstep to reconcile? - Geoff Schwartz? - Yes? Some crazy blonde lady thought we were together and wanted me to back off 'cause it would ruin the life of something called a "schmoopie.
" Looks like we got a mystery on our hands, fellas.
- No, we don't.
- It's clearly your mom.
Stop extending the hijinks.
I'm sorry, who are you? I'm Paula Hogan.
Paula Hogan? What the hell, Barry? I thought Paula Hogan was fake! No, silly.
She's in my organic chem class.
Hi, Paula.
Did you do the homework yet? I thought you got her name from the crocodile movie! Ohhhhh.
Because Paul Hogan! The human mind is an enigma.
Okay, w-what else did the angry blonde lady say? That some girl was trying to get back together with you.
- Whoopsie.
- Oh, my God.
I-I have to find Erica.
I'll drive us, but not before Paula says, "Throw another shrimp on the barbie.
" How about "[Bleep.]
off"? Let's go.
Prom night had taken an ugly turn.
Fortunately, my dad was always there.
Not always there for me, just always there.
What are you doing home? - Hey.
- Remember when you told me to get Dave Kim a date to prom? - Not even in the slightest.
- I did.
But then he acted like a cocky jerk, so I embarrassed him.
But it was really bad.
Here's the thing about prom.
I know, it's just some dumb dance you're never gonna remember.
It's one of the biggest nights of your life.
It's the last night celebrating with all your friends before you go in different directions.
What the hell? The only time I've seen you this sentimental is when you sadly finished the Pepperidge Farm Christmas basket.
Food.
I love it.
Well, here's something you didn't know I didn't have a date for prom.
So, you didn't go? Worse I went with my cousin, Joyce.
Picture me in a dress.
There you have it.
I never knew that.
It's not something you brag about, moron.
As big as this night is for you and Brea, it's just as big for Dave Kim.
You got all the names right.
I know some stuff.
Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, deep down, my dad always had a few gems, and it was up to me to be there for my best bud.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I'm so sorry I ruined your night.
I didn't have a date anyway, so the only thing you ruined was the illusion that anyone wanted to be with me.
That's not true.
I want to be with you.
I just wish some girl would look at me the same way you do.
You know what I mean.
I do, because I was just like you before I met Brea.
It'll happen for you, too.
You really think so? I know so.
You're the best.
Would you go to prom with me, Dave Kim? If prom is about making memories, this is a good one.
Let's do it.
You never quite know which moments you'll look back on fondly, - but then again - [Car horn honks.]
some moments are made to be remembered.
[David Bowie's "Modern Love" playing.]
Erica! Open the window! Hey, Geoff's out on the lawn.
What are you doing? Just cutting his face out of every memory.
She doesn't want to come to the window.
Okay, then, would you tell her I'm not dating Paula Hogan? [Gasps.]
He says he's not dating Paula Hogan.
He's not? Why not? - Why not? - I'll field this one.
I made it up! Barry says he made it up.
- Really? - Really? - Yes! - Yes! Hey, this is just like in "Crocodile Dundee" when Mick professes his love across a busy subway platform.
But you're doing it through my mom.
This is just like when a crocodile in dungarees eats Mick Jagger in a Subway sandwich shop.
- What? - This is way harder than it looks.
Tell her there's nobody from Australia or anyone else in the world that I'd rather be with! Tell her I love her! [Gasps.]
He says he I heard him! Get out of my way! You love me? More than anything.
I did what you wanted.
I sampled life to find out what makes me happy, and I discovered there's only one thing you.
Stay there.
I'm not going anywhere.
I don't believe in modern love Modern love Modern love Mama did it again.
That's the thing about finding the people you're supposed to be with.
There might be highs and lows, ups and downs, but if you hang in there, it turns out to be more than worth it.
Modern love Modern love [Indistinct conversations.]
MAN: The biggest limousine I've ever seen.
[Ding!.]
What goodies did you score? Oh, I got cupcakes, unpeeled bananas that's key Twizzlers for days, and this lovely cornucopia that will brighten my studio apartment.
I got a lifetime of streamers and this photo backdrop.
It's clouds.
[Laughs.]
I thought the theme was medieval masquerade.
Nah.
Enchanted forest.
So many magical greens and browns.
So these are twinkly fairy lights.
See you at the spring fling.
Not if I see you first.