All In The Family s08e22 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Uh-oh.
Oh, jeez.
[PHONE RINGS.]
You think they'd invent a phone bell that wouldn't stop your heart.
EDITH: Archie, I'm still putting Joey to bed.
Would you get that? The hell with it.
It ain't for me.
Oh, please, Archie! Mike's expecting an important call! Oh, jeez.
All right.
( phone rings ) All right! Well, all right, all right! All right.
You made me jump, you know that? No, no, no, Stivic is out somewhere.
Long distance.
Santa Barbara.
California? Well, which is it-- Santa Barbara or California? Well, why didn't you tell me that to start with? If it's a collect call, I mean, Stivic can't pay because he's a down-at-the-heel teacher, see.
Who is it? Shush.
Let me take it, will ya? What's the name? Dean Schlosaman? All right, let me get a piece of paper.
I'll write it down here, huh? Hold on here.
Now, all right, go ahead.
What's the name? Archie, here.
Don't take the phone away from me! What is it? Dean Schlosaman.
Well, you're gonna have to spell that.
Well, hold it.
Spell Dean first, will ya? Archie, give it to me.
I'll take it.
Take it! Take it! Some damn fool thinks his name is Schlosaman.
Hello? I'll be glad to take the message.
No, this is a different person.
Tell him how different you are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, jeez.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
" Can't you try to speak English good? Edith, just say yes.
Yes.
Yeah! Yeah, I'll be glad to.
Thank you very much.
Oh Oh, what? What's that all about? I don't know how to tell you.
That never stopped ya before.
Archie, Mike is gonna take a teachin' job in California.
Oh, he is in a horse's patoot.
And take Gloria and little Joey with him? I ain't gonna let him take my little family way out to the coast He's gonna do it, Archie.
It's a better job, and he'll get more money.
He's gonna be an associate professor, and he's gonna make $21,800 a year.
Don't talk to me about money.
I ain't a man who thinks about money.
That don't mean nothin' to me.
He's gonna take away the fa-- He's gonna take away my darlin' little grandson Joey, just when the kid's beginning to smell good.
I'm gonna miss Joey no matter how he smells.
Well, why are you sittin' on this information? I never heard nothin' about this before.
Why am I always the last person to hear any kind of new-- Here, here, give me that message.
Oh, no.
Give me it.
No.
No, it's Mike's.
Edith, Edith, Edith, Edith, I just want, you know, before he makes any "remitments" out there, to talk to him.
Maybe I can get him scared of California, see? Archie, you can't do that.
Edith, I don't wanna argue with you.
Would you fork it over, huh? No, I ain't forkin'.
Give me that.
Give me that, now.
Oh, ain't that lovely here.
Do you think that suppository's gonna be safe from me there? Give me that.
Give me that.
Give me that.
Where did you learn a low-class dodge like that? That's a high-class dodge.
Bette Davis done it, and Joan Crawford, Claudette Colbert, Loretta Young, they all done this.
"They all done this.
" Well, Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy and Tyrone Power and Archie Bunker all done this here! ( screaming ) Give me! Give me that! Edith, give me that! Come on, now.
Come on, now, Edith.
Edith, Edith, I want it! No, I ain't givin' it to you.
Edith, I gotta have it! You're an animal.
I wasn't doin' nothing wrong there.
Maybe not, but you sure had a hand in it.
You filthy guy.
I didn't think you two did that.
ARCHIE: Ah, shut up, you.
Give me.
Give me that.
No, no! Mike, your call came from California.
The call ca-- Honey, the ca-- They told me that if they called me that means I got the job! Oh, Michael.
I got the job, honey! I'm gonna be an associate professor! I'm goin' to California! We're going to California! California, here I come Right back where I started from Talk, talk, talk.
Jeez, shut up! Honey, honey, it's a whole new life for us.
New challenges, new experiences, a chance to broaden my intellectual horizons, more money! Honey, we're goin' to California! Michael, we're goin' to California! ( crying ) Oh, Gloria, please don't cry.
Wait a minute, let her cry.
She's got a right to cry.
Let me tell you somethin', little girl.
I mean, nobody, and when I say "nobody," I mean nobody normal, thinks about goin' out to California.
I mean, that's the land of fruits and nuts.
And every fruit's a little nutty, and every nut's a little fruity.
So--So what are you saying? There's nothin' nice about California? The only classy thing I know to come out of California's the roller derby.
Arch, California's great.
Why do you think everybody's movin' out there? Because they're all nuts or they're broke or they're jumpin' bail or somethin'.
Don't you know that California is the home of where it's gonna occur, the world's worst "catastroph"? "Catastroph"? Yes, dumbbell.
Don't you know that California's sittin' on a shelf out there? The call that the Pacific Shelf there.
There's three states on that shelf-- Oregon, California, Missouri.
Don't you know the day of the big earthquake, them three states gonna be shoved right off of that shelf there? They call that the Continental Divide.
What? Yes, yes, the Pope new about this years ago.
He said it was St.
Andrew's fault.
Look at me when I'm talkin' to you! Oh, Archie, I don't think God would push all them people off a shelf.
Oh, what the hell do you know about God? I'll tell you what God would do.
He's gonna dump California.
He's just waitin' till the last of the crazies get out there and these two here may be the last couple of dummies.
Arch, you are not gonna put a damper on this for me.
I'm calling California to give 'em my acceptance.
Daddy, we had to leave sometime.
Now, we're all just gonna have to get used to the idea.
Oh, all right, all right, let it happen.
As the Puerto Rican said as they was readin' him his rights, "Que seru seru.
" Yeah, can I have operator six in Santa Barbara please? Oh, oh, jeez.
You got my medicine handy there, Edith? What medicine? You know, the little pills I take to keep from dyin'? Oh, Archie.
Oh, you forgot 'em again there, huh, darlin'? Well, you see, just wait, little girl.
You know, anybody that's got this arterial "influction" there you know, it's where the arterials, they kind of swell up on you there, see, and then, you know, they could explode all over the wall paper.
Yeah, uh, thank you very much, operator.
I'll try again later.
Well then, Daddy, if you're so sick, maybe we should call a doctor, huh? Oh, no, don't bother with the doctor.
No, you don't-- No, don't call the doctor because I--I feel a ( burps ) Good, there it goes.
It's just gas.
It's another crisis passed there.
Look, Arch, we know how you feel, but this job is a big opportunity for me.
Why do you wanna make us feel guilty about it? Who the hell is tryin' to make youse feel guilty about anything there? Hey, you don't have to feel nothin'.
Hey, youse two don't even have to come to our funerals there.
No, that's all right, little girl, you know, you leave us two here to die alone, you know? And when your mother goes, I'll send you her ashes there, and then later on after I go, I'll send you mine.
And then you'll have all the ashes there in two big urns marked "his" and "hers," see, so you'll know which one to dust on Mother's Day.
Oh, Archie, I think you're lookin' on the dark side.
Arch, Gloria and I have given this move a lot of thought.
Let me ask you this-- Did you give a lot of thought to George Jefferson, the owner of this house, your landlord here, the only black man I know that calls Abraham Lincoln a honky? Do you think George Jefferson's gonna let you walk out of his house like that? Yes, I called George Jefferson, and I told him this might happen, we made an agreement.
He told me that we could break the lease if we'd leave as soon as he found a buyer.
Now, I'm calling California, and trying 'em again.
Archie, don't feel bad.
If Mike and Gloria are happy, Shh.
we can be happy, too.
What the hell are you talkin' about, happy? Who's happy? This guy over here is happy, that's all.
Look at the face on my little girl over there.
Is that happy? Are you happy, little girl? Yes, Daddy, I'm happy.
Are you really happy? Yes, I'm very happy.
Will you stop playing the fool? Now, you may think you're happy now, but when you get out to California, and little Joey wakes up in the mornin' and he says, "Mommy, where's my little room?" Are you gonna be happy there, little girl? Look, look, look at me.
Are you gonna be happy then? When he says, "Where's my little window that I used to look out, and see grandma and grandpa's house?" You're gonna be happy then, little girl? Look--huh? You ain't gonna be happy then.
And when he says, "Where's my grandpa "that took me for walks in the park, "tells me fairy stories, put me to sleep at night?" You gonna be happy then, huh? Huh, little girl, huh? You gonna be happy when he says, "Where's my grandmother, give me chocolate milk and cookies?" ( sighs ) The sound you just heard is of a breakin' heart over there.
And what are you gonna say, huh, when little Joey says, "Where's my grandma and my grandma?" You'll say, "Oh, they're still here.
They're in them two jugs on the mantelpiece there.
" Huh? Hey, is that gonna make you happy, little girl, huh? Huh? Huh? Yeah, look there.
Don't hold in sadness, it ain't good for you, little girl.
( crying ) There you are! That's it! That's it.
You see what you done over here? Oh, you're the right kind of a guy to smash up a family.
Th-Thank you very much, Dean Schlossman.
I really appreciate this offer, and my final word is a big yes.
( crying loudly ) No, no, that was nothing.
It was just some fire engines passing the house.
We'll be out there in two weeks.
Hey, don't bet on it, funny-name.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Goodbye.
And then, on the mantelpiece! Yoo-hoo! Daddy, we're back! We got some more boxes at Ferguson's! Archie, where are you? Would you believe they got a chocolate cake out there with moustache tracks in it? Let me sit in my chair, huh? It's my house.
But we said this is my chair when I'm over here, didn't we? Come on, I'm tired.
Let me sit down there.
Okay, okay.
Two more weeks, you won't have Michael Stivic to kick around anymore.
Did anymore people come to look at the house? Oh, jeez, you should see the people Jefferson's sendin' over here.
There was a big, fat dentist's nurse full of perspiration, you know, with a button-nose that whistled whenever she breathed.
And then, would you believe a family of midgets by the name of the Bambinis? No.
Oh, it's true.
You couldn't tell the parents from the kids till the old man lit up a cigar.
He was walkin' around here, talkin' about lowerin' all the doorknobs.
Well, I hope you didn't say anything to hurt their feelings.
No, no, I think anything I said went right over their heads.
You're not funny, Daddy.
Well, I ain't tryin' to be, but wait till you see the Bambinis.
Oh, my, I wish I'd met them.
I like little people.
Well, I'd have tried to hold 'em for you, Edith, but they slip right through my fingers.
Why are you so cruel to midgets? What have they ever done to you? Oh, very little.
Do me a favor, will ya? I'm only gonna be here another couple of weeks.
Could we say goodbye now, so I don't have to talk to you anymore? Sure, sure, anything you want.
Goodbye, goodbye, "arriveduci" there, "von boyage," anything you want.
All right? You go on out to California, but why don't you just leave your family here? What? Yeah, hey, that's a good idea, you know? I mean, why don't you go out to the west coast yourself, look for a house out there.
You know, find a house that would make you happy, in a neighborhood where there was no whites at all.
Then after about ten years, you can send for Gloria, then in about 15 years you can send for little Joey, when he's old enough to tell you to go to hell.
You ought to think that over, because-- Gloria, want me to pack your Brownie-the-Clownie bowl? Will you stifle yourself? You're interrupting what I'm saying! You know, this is getting worse and worse every day with you.
God, I hate this women's power! Well, I'm sorry.
When a man is on a train of thought, woman, stay off of the tracks.
Now, like I was saying to you-- No, wait a minute.
I ain't sorry 'cause a man was talkin'.
I mean, I was sorry 'cause anybody was talkin', and I interrupted.
If I wanna talk, I'll talk.
Well then, talk.
Well, I ain't got nothin' to say.
We know that! You see, the cause of this is people like you, and that Gloria "Curly" Steinway, who was a flop in the piano business, see? People like you who's puttin' ideas into a poor, simple woman's head, makin' her think that she actually has somethin' to say.
Jeez, that bugs me.
I can't tell you how that bugs me.
So what else is new? Everything bugs you.
No, only this here.
Are you kiddin'? How 'bout, uh, religion, politics? Minorities? How to raise children? War? Peace? Long hair? Short hair? Zucchini? My relatives? New Jersey? Sexual freedom? My appetite? Dogs? Cats? Goldfish? Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Come on, now, I draw the line on goldfish there.
Goldfish happens to be a very fine fish, and a very classy pet to have in the house.
You never have to walk a goldfish on a leash.
He don't keep you awake barkin' at night there.
Best part about a goldfish is that long before you get tired of lookin' at it, it dies.
Stand by, California.
It'll be so good to get out there, and breathe some nice, fresh smog.
Well, it'll be so good to reach for the icebox without gettin' a handful of your behind comin' out.
And it'll be so good to get away from a man who can't read a Tarzan comic without using a dictionary.
Well, it'll be so good to do this to you now.
( blows raspberry ) So good, that was.
That was good.
Look that up in the dictionary.
You'll find it's spelled with a small-- ( raspberry ) Come on, Edith.
Come on, let's get the hell out of here.
Goodbye, goodbye.
Oh, Archie, I ain't leavin' with you two mad at each other.
We been mad at each other for eight years, ( doorbell rings ) don't fool with somethin' that works so good.
As I live and breathe! Is this George Jefferson? Who do I look like? Robert Redford? Step aside, Bunker.
I'm here to see Mr.
Stivic.
Howdy.
Hi, Mr.
Jefferson.
We haven't seen you in a long time.
How's Louise? Fine.
She sends her love.
Aw.
Well, well, well, the only dark cloud that never had a silver lining.
Well, I could say I'm glad to see you, Bunker, but why lie? 'Cause if you don't lie, you're gonna run out of conversation.
Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck! Same old Bunker.
Pure pearls fall from your lips.
Too bad you're not an oyster.
You'd be worth something.
My, this sure does take me back, don't it, Gloria? Oh, yeah, uh, Mr.
Jefferson, could I take your coat? No thanks, I'm only gonna stay for a few minutes.
Why don't we all sit down? Yeah, we can all sit down.
Get out of the way.
Ha ha.
Ma, why don't you come in the kitchen, and help me get some coffee for Mr.
Jefferson? Get me some cake, honey.
Okay.
Hey, Mike, you done a good job keeping my house in shape.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, talking of houses there, Jefferson, I own my own now, you know? I burnt the mortgage.
Oh, you should have kept the mortgage and burned the house.
Don't be a wise-guy.
My house over there is every bit as good as your house here.
But you did have a fire there last year, Arch, remember? Some loose wires started it.
Yeah, yeah, your people didn't have nothin' to do with it.
I wish I'd known about the fire, I could have barbequed some ribs.
Here we are.
Here we are, cake and coffee.
Here's some cake for you, Mr.
Jefferson.
Nice big piece for you, sweetheart.
MIKE: Oh, thanks, honey.
Wait, wait, wait a minute, where's mine? You don't need no cake, Bunker, you're a fat man.
( mouths words ) Huh? There ain't enough? I hate this.
I-- Uh, Mr.
Jefferson, have you gotten lucky with any buyers? Oh, yeah, that's why I'm here.
I just sold the house.
You sold the house! Congratulations.
Yeah, but there's one problem, Mike.
You know, like we agreed, if I found a buyer, you'd have to move out.
Well, we are movin' out.
Yeah, I know, but see, this nice family will only buy if they can move in the day after tomorrow.
The day after tomorrow? What's the rush? Well, Mr.
and Mrs.
Bambini have to move, uh-- Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
The Bambinis? You don't mean the, uh? They may be short on legs, but they're long on cash.
Well, look, I gotta get goin'.
Hey, well, you're going, let me see you to the door there.
Hey, you know, I meant to tell you, since the last time I seen you, you see, I don't work on the loadin' dock no more.
I work for myself.
I'm what you call and "entre-manure.
" Yeah, you've always been somethin' like that.
Yeah, well, that's true.
I always had it in me.
It's first comin' out now, you know? Yeah, I bought a saloon, so I'm a business man just like you.
Hey, congratulations.
You've come a long way, baby.
It's nice to see a white man make it every once in a while.
Bye.
Bye, George.
Give my love to Louise.
Goodbye, Mr.
Jefferson.
It's nice to see him.
You know, I guess I know colored people as good as anybody in this world.
To this day, I can never figure when they're being serious or not, you know? Michael, where are we gonna live for the next two weeks? I don't know.
Hey, maybe you could share this house with the Bambinis? You know, if you promise to watch your step around here.
Well, wait a minute, I know where they can stay.
Oh, no, you don't.
Oh, yeah, I do.
Wait and see.
Where? I'll give you a hint-- It ain't far from here, it's on Hauser street, and it's number 704! It's your old bedroom.
It's just waitin' for ya.
Yeesh.
Just when we got that bedroom to stop vibratin'.
Oh, Daddy.
ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.