Bewitched (1964) s08e22 Episode Script
George Washington Zapped Here (2)
[.]
Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[.]
Which would be better to take to school? The buckle from George Washington's shoe or the button from his coat? I think you better leave them both here.
They're much too valuable.
NARRATOR: A simple request, a simple refusal.
That should have been the end of it.
But Esmeralda was babysitting, the sometime maid and the all-time goof-up.
If Tabitha couldn't have the real buckle and button, Esmeralda would zap them out of the book.
Instead, she got the whole picture.
Get the picture? Samantha and Darrin were kept busy entertaining their distinguished visitor, but the father of his country was getting restless.
So when Samantha's back was turned, he decided to inspect the state of the neighborhood and got himself involved in listening and making political speeches.
By the time Samantha had caught up with him, the father of our country was being arrested for disturbing the peace.
Bail was posted and George was returned to Darrin's custody to await a court hearing.
And Esmeralda finally remembered the incantation to send George Washington back where he came from.
Did she succeed? You bet your boots she did.
Or rather, shoes.
Washington's shoes, which got left behind.
What's a general without his shoes, right? So Esmeralda tried to return them to the general.
She goofed, and guess what returned instead.
Right, the general.
Who is the lady? That's no lady, that's his wife.
[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
Martha, may I present our hosts: Master and Mistress Stephens.
George, forgive me for not believing your fanciful tale.
I should have known you could never tell a lie.
How do you do? DARRIN: How do you do? Who is the magician responsible for all this? Me.
But I'm no magician.
I'm just a rotten witch.
Oh, Esmeralda, y-you had an unfortunate accident.
I'd call it more of a crack-up.
Darrin.
Ah, Mr.
President, I assure you.
Esmeralda will find a way to send you back.
We're in no hurry.
I've told Martha so much about the wonders of the 20th century.
Perhaps Mistress Stephens will be good enough to show you about.
I would like to have a few private words with Master Stephens.
E-Esmeralda, while I'm showing Mrs.
Washington around, you better put on your thinking cap and try to remember that spell.
Why? The president just said he's in no hurry.
Esmeralda.
Oh, dear.
Don't yell at her like that or she'll She did.
Did you see that? That's nothing.
Wait till you see the miracles in the kitchen.
Oh, now you've done it.
She's gone.
She's our only link with the past.
Without her, you can't get back.
That is precisely what I wish to discuss with your husband.
I'd love to see your kitchen.
Oh.
This way.
[.]
Master Stephens.
Heh-heh.
I can't tell you how happy I am to be among you.
Please don't misunderstand, Mr.
President.
It's not that we don't enjoy your company, but I realize I am somewhat of an embarrassment to you, but I would be considerably more of an embarrassment to everyone if I failed to come to that hearing.
Oh, forget about the hearing, Mr.
President.
I'll forfeit the bail.
I can afford it.
But my reputation cannot.
I did not force the evacuation of the British from Boston by running from battle.
But this is not 1776.
A coward is a coward in any age.
No, Master Stephens.
If I have violated some rule concerning free speech or assembly, I will defend myself.
However, I will rely upon your advice as to my deportment in court.
What is this? Oh, well, uh, that's a dishwasher.
You see, you, uh, put the dirty dishes in here and then you turn it on.
And then later it stops by itself and you, uh, take out the clean dishes.
Oh.
Heh.
Oh, you have two dishwashers? No, no, that's a washer-dryer.
It does the same thing with clothes, as the dishwasher does with dishes.
A great step forward for mankind, I suppose.
Well, for womankind, really.
You don't approve, do you? Oh, I don't know.
I remember, as a young wife my great pride in the snowy whiteness of my linens.
Oh, nowadays, snowy white comes in a box.
Hm.
And the sweet smell of sun-dried sheets? Eventually, somebody will figure out a way to package that too.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, I hope not.
Well, have you been properly amazed, Martha? Mr.
President, I have been amazed.
Mrs.
Washington has convinced me that we haven't learned much in 200 years.
Oh, now, now, Mrs.
Stephens, George will think I've been rude.
I would never think that, my dear.
Well, shall we retire? This time change has made me weary.
Are we staying? Till after the hearing tomorrow.
What hearing? I'll tell you in bed.
At least the bed has not gone out of fashion.
Oh, no.
It's more popular than ever.
The guest room is at the top of the stairs.
We'll find our way.
Thank you.
ALL: Good night.
You know something, Sam? That's a great man.
And the privilege of knowing him makes me glad Esmeralda goofed.
Oh, well, it's sweet of you to look at it that way.
Now, get that goof-up back, because right after the hearing I want those two gently zapped out of here.
[.]
Oh, Sam, George and Martha are already down for breakfast.
I know.
I know.
Any luck getting Esmeralda? I've been trying.
Oh, well, all right, I'll try some more.
Aries, Gemini and Taurus Blend your voices into chorus.
Sing out the name of Esmeralda.
Libra, Scorpio and Pisces.
These are the times That are known as crises.
ESMERALDA: Okay, okay.
But if you holler at me, I'll just pop out again.
No, he's not going to holler at you.
Where have you been? He's hollering.
No, he isn't hollering.
He's just been worried about you.
Yeah? Well, I've been on Pluto, brooding.
Oh, well, if you'd brooded here, we wouldn't have been so worried about you.
I can't be trusted near decent people.
Yeah, well, just forget that and try and remember the spell.
I have remembered it.
So shall I send them back? No.
Do you mean to tell me I've done that brooding for nothing? Uh, no.
No, we want you to send them back, but not until after the hearing.
Oh, well, then, why don't you get out of my kitchen? Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes.
Thank you.
Mr.
President, Mrs.
Washington.
How did you folks sleep last night? Not too well.
Martha was kept awake by the big birds.
Uh, the big what? Birds.
The make the most monstrous roar as they fly by.
It's frightening.
We're sorry if you were disturbed.
The neighborhood's on their flight pattern.
What species are they? They're called turbo jetus.
They're very common and completely harmless.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Good morning.
Mr.
President.
Good morning.
Why, thank you.
Good morning, Sam.
Larry, what are you doing here? Why, I came to drive Darrin to work.
He knows how to drive.
Larry, is there some special reason why you wanted me to drive with you? Yes, my seat belt's broken and I want you to hold me in the car.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Plus, we have an meeting with the Whirlaway people, and I thought we could go over some ideas en route.
Well, w-why don't you go ahead? H-he'll be there in a bit.
We were just having breakfast.
Thanks, Sam.
I could use a cup of coffee.
But Uh, L-Larry I'd like you to meet some relatives of mine from out of town.
This is Martha and George.
This is Larry Tate, a business associate of Darrin's.
Heh-heh.
How do you do? What sort of work do you gentlemen do? We're in advertising.
Oh, what is advertising? [CHUCKLES.]
They're really out of this world.
Indeed, we are.
Uh, Larry, um, we have that 10:30 meeting with the Whirlaway people.
Oh, sure, sure.
Heh.
Uh, nice meeting you folks.
Never mind the coffee, Sam.
Bye.
[.]
I-I suppose you're wondering how I'm going to explain that.
Frankly, yes.
So am I.
I mean Well, you see, the old guy is a retired history professor.
His specialty was George Washington.
I'm afraid he finally, uh, slipped a cog.
No kidding.
Yeah.
He insists on using the name George Washington.
Wears all those old clothes.
And the wife? Well, she does it to humor him.
It's complicated.
I'll fill you in at the office.
We don't wanna be late.
Heh.
I can't help but admire the old boy.
I say, if you have to go out of your mind, go out in a big way.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait a minute.
I have a sensational idea.
Well, tell me on the way to the office.
It's so obvious I'm surprised you didn't see it.
In there is the answer.
It's brilliant.
How about Washington Whirlaway washing machines? A machine that bears the name of the father of our country.
A name that stands for honesty and truth.
We peg the concept on that.
No, no, no.
Mr.
Washington wouldn't hear of it.
Just let me ask him.
No.
No [.]
Now, Mr.
President, we would like to ask your permission to use your name for an advertising concept for Whirlaway washing machines.
We have an idea to change the name to Washington Whirlaway washing machines.
I don't understand.
You wish to use my name for a commercial venture? Terrific.
Just the right quality.
Honesty, integrity.
Don't listen to him, sir.
This machine would bear my name? In letters that big.
Oh, isn't that nice, George? Larry, it lacks dignity.
What could be more dignified than a guy playing the father of our country? You can't get more dignified than that.
Listen to me, general.
You play along with us and there's a nice royalty in it for you.
"Royalty"? After the revolution they wanted to crown me king of America.
I refused.
I do not believe in royalty.
Heh.
Well, then, we'll discuss other financial arrangements.
Does, um, this Abraham Lincoln have a washing machine named after him? Not that I know of.
Oh, that's too bad.
Just what is expected of me? To stay home and rest for the hearing this afternoon.
This isn't going to take a lot out of him, Sam.
We'll just prepare a little TV copy for him to read to the Whirlaway people, then we'll send him on home.
Larry, I won't let him do it.
Mr.
Stephens, you may be my host, but if Mr.
Tate wishes to honor me by naming a washing machine after me, I should return the compliment with a visit.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Shall we go? After you, Mr.
President.
[.]
Well, don't just stand there.
Go after them.
And don't let the father of our country out of your sight.
Right.
[.]
Mr.
Jamieson, good to see you.
Tate.
You know Darrin Stephens? Mr.
Jamieson.
Stephens.
And this is the man who's going to present our idea.
George Washington, president of the United States.
I'd like you to meet Hector Jamieson, president of Whirlaway Products.
Jamieson.
Jamieson.
There was a Corporal Jamieson who was in my regiment at the Battle of Long Island.
He was my grandfather's grandfather.
He was also a coward.
He was court-martialed and drummed out of service.
How dare you.
He was only joking, Mr.
Jamieson.
It was no joking matter.
He was standing guard duty.
Let's drop the matter for now, huh, Mr.
President? Mr.
Jamieson, please play along.
He's a bit eccentric.
A bit eccentric? What difference does it make? Just look at him.
He could be the reincarnation of Washington.
Now, please, just sit down and let us show you what we have.
Shoot.
Shoot? If we are to duel, I would prefer swords.
[LAUGHS.]
He means read it.
"Ladies, this is Honest George "asking you to let a Washington Whirlaway washing machine "whirl away the dirt while you wile away the time "and your clothes will be cleaner than clean and whiter than white.
" How could anything be cleaner than clean or whiter than white? Oh, it's just a way of saying it, Mr.
President.
It doesn't make sense.
So few things do.
Heh.
It's a sign of the times.
"Then use the Whirlaway washer, America's finest.
" Is it really? Would I lie to you, Mr.
President? I don't know you well enough to make that judgment.
Mr.
Jamieson, why is this America's finest washing machine? Is this some kind of a put-on? Heh-heh.
Mr.
President, please, just read what is written.
Not another word until you answer my question.
After all, if my name is to be used, I will not have it tarnished by falsehood.
Look, it's a darn good washer.
Now, read it.
Please.
"Superior washing machine.
" "Ultra washing machine.
" "Standard washing machine.
" "Whirlaway washing machine.
" Each one looks very much like the others.
Each one is very much like the others.
Then why do you give them different names? It's called merchandising, Mr.
President.
You see, Whirlaway builds them, and then stores put their own labels on them.
Whirlaway washing machine is no better or worse than the others.
Correct.
WASHINGTON: In good conscience, I cannot say that Whirlaway washing machine is better than the others.
I've had just about enough of this.
And so have I, sir.
Yesterday I was arrested for defending the constitution of the United States.
Today, I am asked in the name of honesty to utter falsehoods.
I will not lend my name to this deception.
Get this nut out of here.
Yeah, get this nut out of here.
With pleasure, gentlemen.
Mr.
President.
[.]
Here.
This might not make you feel better, but at least you'll enjoy feeling rotten.
So we lost the account, but somehow that doesn't seem to bother me.
Seeing George Washington blast Mr.
Jamieson was worth it.
I'm glad he did it, and I'm glad we lost the account.
George, you promised to rest.
No, no, Martha.
I cannot rest until I apologize to my host for my outburst.
No apologies necessary, Mr.
President.
This afternoon when I go to court, I promise to cause as little trouble as possible.
Heh-heh.
I'm sure you will, sir.
Well, we better get going.
Oh, I'm eager to do battle.
[.]
I was trying to be reasonable with him, Your Honor, when he pulled a sword on me.
Uh, Your Honor, may I question the witness? If you're going to act as this gentleman's attorney, you may.
Officer Crandal, did you examine the sword? I don't have to examine a sword to know it's a deadly weapon.
[.]
Your Honor, I give you the People's Exhibit A.
Now, examine the edge.
That's not a fighting sword.
That's a ceremonial sword.
It couldn't cut butter.
POLICEMAN: Your Honor, can I see that? Now, if he had hit me on the head with this, the ceremony could have been my funeral.
Your Honor, all I can say is, I was protecting myself from unlawful arrest.
The citizens of this country are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights.
Among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
And the right of free speech.
POLICEMAN: There he goes again with all that radical talk.
Your Honor, I was only doing my duty.
And he was conducting a rally without a permit.
Um, what, Officer Crandal, in your mind, constitutes a rally? Addressing people constitutes a rally.
How many? One? Two? A hundred? There couldn't have been more than a dozen people standing around, chatting.
Well, he was doing all the chatting.
They were just listening.
Well, maybe if you hadn't come by and broken it up, they might have chatted back.
As a matter of fact, it was their chatting that started him chatting.
Mister Uh, what shall I call you? You may call me President Washington, sir.
And, um, where do you come from, president? Virginia, sir.
Oh, yes, yes, where the father of our country was born.
I am the father of your country, sir.
And how did you get into this century, president? Providence brought me here, Your Honor.
[WHISPERS.]
There, I think I answered that question without lying.
And how do you plead? Uh, may I answer that, Your Honor? Certainly.
Not guilty.
Now, Mrs.
Stephens, we can't have our citizens going around attacking officers of the law with swords.
Ceremonial.
Ceremonial.
Especially while masquerading as George Washington, which I find offensive in itself.
I am not an impostor, sir.
Um Your Honor, I-I don't think it makes any difference whether he's George Washington or not.
What's important is that this gentleman has served to remind us of the things that George Washington stands for.
Oh, I'll be the first to admit that his behavior, to some, might seem a bit eccentric.
But what a noble eccentricity, sir.
I mean, would you rather have eccentrics who think they are Benedict Arnold or John Wilkes Booth? Your point is well taken, Mrs.
Stephens.
The president was merely defending the Constitution of the United States, which is something he holds very dear.
And he was acting under his rights of peaceful assembly and free speech.
I rest my case.
Mrs.
Stephens, it's lamentable but true that there are times when in the interests of maintaining law and order, we We tend to overlook those rights given to our citizens by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
You have quite effectively reminded me that this is one of those times.
Case dismissed.
[ALL SIGH, LAUGH.]
Thank you, Your Honor.
[SIGHS.]
Now, may I have my sword back? Certainly, if you'll sign this receipt.
May I ask you a question, sir? You may, sir.
Will you continue to be George Washington? No man should live beyond his time.
Therefore, although I shall continue to be George Washington, for I can be no other, I will not be that untimely gentleman in your gracious presence.
Well, what did he say? He's leaving town.
Uh, Mrs.
Stephens.
If he isn't George Washington, he ought to be.
Right on.
[.]
We want you to know that although we enjoyed our visit, we do feel that we've rather overstayed our welcome.
Not at all, sir.
It was a pleasure having you.
Oh, that's very kind of you, but George and I must be getting back now.
Esmeralda.
Now? [LAUGHS.]
Now.
Okay.
Jive this of weary to begin.
I alive look George on come.
What is she doing? Tsk.
She's reversing time by reversing the spell.
Can't she say it to herself? It sounds ridiculous.
Yeah.
Uh, E-Esmeralda, say it to yourself.
[.]
K-keep going, Esmeralda.
Have a nice trip.
It worked, Esmeralda.
It worked.
They're gone.
Gone? Without even a "fare thee well"? They waved.
Oh, in that case: [LAUGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I-I'll get it.
Judge Armstrong.
I must see him at once.
Mr.
President.
SAMANTHA: Oh.
He's He's not here.
We don't have a forwarding address.
I'll put a tracer on him.
What's wrong? Look, look, look.
Look at this.
It's a copy of a letter from Washington to James Madison.
The signatures are identical.
Well, the court clerk is a collector of Washington memorabilia.
He claims that this signature is authentic.
That's impossible.
Well, that's what I thought.
So we took the signature to Judge Cramer, who's also a collector.
He offered me $500 for the autograph.
He insists it's authentic.
You don't say.
Well, it can't be.
Can it? Well, uh, like you said, if he isn't George Washington, he oughta be.
[.]
[.]
Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[.]
Which would be better to take to school? The buckle from George Washington's shoe or the button from his coat? I think you better leave them both here.
They're much too valuable.
NARRATOR: A simple request, a simple refusal.
That should have been the end of it.
But Esmeralda was babysitting, the sometime maid and the all-time goof-up.
If Tabitha couldn't have the real buckle and button, Esmeralda would zap them out of the book.
Instead, she got the whole picture.
Get the picture? Samantha and Darrin were kept busy entertaining their distinguished visitor, but the father of his country was getting restless.
So when Samantha's back was turned, he decided to inspect the state of the neighborhood and got himself involved in listening and making political speeches.
By the time Samantha had caught up with him, the father of our country was being arrested for disturbing the peace.
Bail was posted and George was returned to Darrin's custody to await a court hearing.
And Esmeralda finally remembered the incantation to send George Washington back where he came from.
Did she succeed? You bet your boots she did.
Or rather, shoes.
Washington's shoes, which got left behind.
What's a general without his shoes, right? So Esmeralda tried to return them to the general.
She goofed, and guess what returned instead.
Right, the general.
Who is the lady? That's no lady, that's his wife.
[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
Martha, may I present our hosts: Master and Mistress Stephens.
George, forgive me for not believing your fanciful tale.
I should have known you could never tell a lie.
How do you do? DARRIN: How do you do? Who is the magician responsible for all this? Me.
But I'm no magician.
I'm just a rotten witch.
Oh, Esmeralda, y-you had an unfortunate accident.
I'd call it more of a crack-up.
Darrin.
Ah, Mr.
President, I assure you.
Esmeralda will find a way to send you back.
We're in no hurry.
I've told Martha so much about the wonders of the 20th century.
Perhaps Mistress Stephens will be good enough to show you about.
I would like to have a few private words with Master Stephens.
E-Esmeralda, while I'm showing Mrs.
Washington around, you better put on your thinking cap and try to remember that spell.
Why? The president just said he's in no hurry.
Esmeralda.
Oh, dear.
Don't yell at her like that or she'll She did.
Did you see that? That's nothing.
Wait till you see the miracles in the kitchen.
Oh, now you've done it.
She's gone.
She's our only link with the past.
Without her, you can't get back.
That is precisely what I wish to discuss with your husband.
I'd love to see your kitchen.
Oh.
This way.
[.]
Master Stephens.
Heh-heh.
I can't tell you how happy I am to be among you.
Please don't misunderstand, Mr.
President.
It's not that we don't enjoy your company, but I realize I am somewhat of an embarrassment to you, but I would be considerably more of an embarrassment to everyone if I failed to come to that hearing.
Oh, forget about the hearing, Mr.
President.
I'll forfeit the bail.
I can afford it.
But my reputation cannot.
I did not force the evacuation of the British from Boston by running from battle.
But this is not 1776.
A coward is a coward in any age.
No, Master Stephens.
If I have violated some rule concerning free speech or assembly, I will defend myself.
However, I will rely upon your advice as to my deportment in court.
What is this? Oh, well, uh, that's a dishwasher.
You see, you, uh, put the dirty dishes in here and then you turn it on.
And then later it stops by itself and you, uh, take out the clean dishes.
Oh.
Heh.
Oh, you have two dishwashers? No, no, that's a washer-dryer.
It does the same thing with clothes, as the dishwasher does with dishes.
A great step forward for mankind, I suppose.
Well, for womankind, really.
You don't approve, do you? Oh, I don't know.
I remember, as a young wife my great pride in the snowy whiteness of my linens.
Oh, nowadays, snowy white comes in a box.
Hm.
And the sweet smell of sun-dried sheets? Eventually, somebody will figure out a way to package that too.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, I hope not.
Well, have you been properly amazed, Martha? Mr.
President, I have been amazed.
Mrs.
Washington has convinced me that we haven't learned much in 200 years.
Oh, now, now, Mrs.
Stephens, George will think I've been rude.
I would never think that, my dear.
Well, shall we retire? This time change has made me weary.
Are we staying? Till after the hearing tomorrow.
What hearing? I'll tell you in bed.
At least the bed has not gone out of fashion.
Oh, no.
It's more popular than ever.
The guest room is at the top of the stairs.
We'll find our way.
Thank you.
ALL: Good night.
You know something, Sam? That's a great man.
And the privilege of knowing him makes me glad Esmeralda goofed.
Oh, well, it's sweet of you to look at it that way.
Now, get that goof-up back, because right after the hearing I want those two gently zapped out of here.
[.]
Oh, Sam, George and Martha are already down for breakfast.
I know.
I know.
Any luck getting Esmeralda? I've been trying.
Oh, well, all right, I'll try some more.
Aries, Gemini and Taurus Blend your voices into chorus.
Sing out the name of Esmeralda.
Libra, Scorpio and Pisces.
These are the times That are known as crises.
ESMERALDA: Okay, okay.
But if you holler at me, I'll just pop out again.
No, he's not going to holler at you.
Where have you been? He's hollering.
No, he isn't hollering.
He's just been worried about you.
Yeah? Well, I've been on Pluto, brooding.
Oh, well, if you'd brooded here, we wouldn't have been so worried about you.
I can't be trusted near decent people.
Yeah, well, just forget that and try and remember the spell.
I have remembered it.
So shall I send them back? No.
Do you mean to tell me I've done that brooding for nothing? Uh, no.
No, we want you to send them back, but not until after the hearing.
Oh, well, then, why don't you get out of my kitchen? Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes.
Thank you.
Mr.
President, Mrs.
Washington.
How did you folks sleep last night? Not too well.
Martha was kept awake by the big birds.
Uh, the big what? Birds.
The make the most monstrous roar as they fly by.
It's frightening.
We're sorry if you were disturbed.
The neighborhood's on their flight pattern.
What species are they? They're called turbo jetus.
They're very common and completely harmless.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Good morning.
Mr.
President.
Good morning.
Why, thank you.
Good morning, Sam.
Larry, what are you doing here? Why, I came to drive Darrin to work.
He knows how to drive.
Larry, is there some special reason why you wanted me to drive with you? Yes, my seat belt's broken and I want you to hold me in the car.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Plus, we have an meeting with the Whirlaway people, and I thought we could go over some ideas en route.
Well, w-why don't you go ahead? H-he'll be there in a bit.
We were just having breakfast.
Thanks, Sam.
I could use a cup of coffee.
But Uh, L-Larry I'd like you to meet some relatives of mine from out of town.
This is Martha and George.
This is Larry Tate, a business associate of Darrin's.
Heh-heh.
How do you do? What sort of work do you gentlemen do? We're in advertising.
Oh, what is advertising? [CHUCKLES.]
They're really out of this world.
Indeed, we are.
Uh, Larry, um, we have that 10:30 meeting with the Whirlaway people.
Oh, sure, sure.
Heh.
Uh, nice meeting you folks.
Never mind the coffee, Sam.
Bye.
[.]
I-I suppose you're wondering how I'm going to explain that.
Frankly, yes.
So am I.
I mean Well, you see, the old guy is a retired history professor.
His specialty was George Washington.
I'm afraid he finally, uh, slipped a cog.
No kidding.
Yeah.
He insists on using the name George Washington.
Wears all those old clothes.
And the wife? Well, she does it to humor him.
It's complicated.
I'll fill you in at the office.
We don't wanna be late.
Heh.
I can't help but admire the old boy.
I say, if you have to go out of your mind, go out in a big way.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait a minute.
I have a sensational idea.
Well, tell me on the way to the office.
It's so obvious I'm surprised you didn't see it.
In there is the answer.
It's brilliant.
How about Washington Whirlaway washing machines? A machine that bears the name of the father of our country.
A name that stands for honesty and truth.
We peg the concept on that.
No, no, no.
Mr.
Washington wouldn't hear of it.
Just let me ask him.
No.
No [.]
Now, Mr.
President, we would like to ask your permission to use your name for an advertising concept for Whirlaway washing machines.
We have an idea to change the name to Washington Whirlaway washing machines.
I don't understand.
You wish to use my name for a commercial venture? Terrific.
Just the right quality.
Honesty, integrity.
Don't listen to him, sir.
This machine would bear my name? In letters that big.
Oh, isn't that nice, George? Larry, it lacks dignity.
What could be more dignified than a guy playing the father of our country? You can't get more dignified than that.
Listen to me, general.
You play along with us and there's a nice royalty in it for you.
"Royalty"? After the revolution they wanted to crown me king of America.
I refused.
I do not believe in royalty.
Heh.
Well, then, we'll discuss other financial arrangements.
Does, um, this Abraham Lincoln have a washing machine named after him? Not that I know of.
Oh, that's too bad.
Just what is expected of me? To stay home and rest for the hearing this afternoon.
This isn't going to take a lot out of him, Sam.
We'll just prepare a little TV copy for him to read to the Whirlaway people, then we'll send him on home.
Larry, I won't let him do it.
Mr.
Stephens, you may be my host, but if Mr.
Tate wishes to honor me by naming a washing machine after me, I should return the compliment with a visit.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Shall we go? After you, Mr.
President.
[.]
Well, don't just stand there.
Go after them.
And don't let the father of our country out of your sight.
Right.
[.]
Mr.
Jamieson, good to see you.
Tate.
You know Darrin Stephens? Mr.
Jamieson.
Stephens.
And this is the man who's going to present our idea.
George Washington, president of the United States.
I'd like you to meet Hector Jamieson, president of Whirlaway Products.
Jamieson.
Jamieson.
There was a Corporal Jamieson who was in my regiment at the Battle of Long Island.
He was my grandfather's grandfather.
He was also a coward.
He was court-martialed and drummed out of service.
How dare you.
He was only joking, Mr.
Jamieson.
It was no joking matter.
He was standing guard duty.
Let's drop the matter for now, huh, Mr.
President? Mr.
Jamieson, please play along.
He's a bit eccentric.
A bit eccentric? What difference does it make? Just look at him.
He could be the reincarnation of Washington.
Now, please, just sit down and let us show you what we have.
Shoot.
Shoot? If we are to duel, I would prefer swords.
[LAUGHS.]
He means read it.
"Ladies, this is Honest George "asking you to let a Washington Whirlaway washing machine "whirl away the dirt while you wile away the time "and your clothes will be cleaner than clean and whiter than white.
" How could anything be cleaner than clean or whiter than white? Oh, it's just a way of saying it, Mr.
President.
It doesn't make sense.
So few things do.
Heh.
It's a sign of the times.
"Then use the Whirlaway washer, America's finest.
" Is it really? Would I lie to you, Mr.
President? I don't know you well enough to make that judgment.
Mr.
Jamieson, why is this America's finest washing machine? Is this some kind of a put-on? Heh-heh.
Mr.
President, please, just read what is written.
Not another word until you answer my question.
After all, if my name is to be used, I will not have it tarnished by falsehood.
Look, it's a darn good washer.
Now, read it.
Please.
"Superior washing machine.
" "Ultra washing machine.
" "Standard washing machine.
" "Whirlaway washing machine.
" Each one looks very much like the others.
Each one is very much like the others.
Then why do you give them different names? It's called merchandising, Mr.
President.
You see, Whirlaway builds them, and then stores put their own labels on them.
Whirlaway washing machine is no better or worse than the others.
Correct.
WASHINGTON: In good conscience, I cannot say that Whirlaway washing machine is better than the others.
I've had just about enough of this.
And so have I, sir.
Yesterday I was arrested for defending the constitution of the United States.
Today, I am asked in the name of honesty to utter falsehoods.
I will not lend my name to this deception.
Get this nut out of here.
Yeah, get this nut out of here.
With pleasure, gentlemen.
Mr.
President.
[.]
Here.
This might not make you feel better, but at least you'll enjoy feeling rotten.
So we lost the account, but somehow that doesn't seem to bother me.
Seeing George Washington blast Mr.
Jamieson was worth it.
I'm glad he did it, and I'm glad we lost the account.
George, you promised to rest.
No, no, Martha.
I cannot rest until I apologize to my host for my outburst.
No apologies necessary, Mr.
President.
This afternoon when I go to court, I promise to cause as little trouble as possible.
Heh-heh.
I'm sure you will, sir.
Well, we better get going.
Oh, I'm eager to do battle.
[.]
I was trying to be reasonable with him, Your Honor, when he pulled a sword on me.
Uh, Your Honor, may I question the witness? If you're going to act as this gentleman's attorney, you may.
Officer Crandal, did you examine the sword? I don't have to examine a sword to know it's a deadly weapon.
[.]
Your Honor, I give you the People's Exhibit A.
Now, examine the edge.
That's not a fighting sword.
That's a ceremonial sword.
It couldn't cut butter.
POLICEMAN: Your Honor, can I see that? Now, if he had hit me on the head with this, the ceremony could have been my funeral.
Your Honor, all I can say is, I was protecting myself from unlawful arrest.
The citizens of this country are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights.
Among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
And the right of free speech.
POLICEMAN: There he goes again with all that radical talk.
Your Honor, I was only doing my duty.
And he was conducting a rally without a permit.
Um, what, Officer Crandal, in your mind, constitutes a rally? Addressing people constitutes a rally.
How many? One? Two? A hundred? There couldn't have been more than a dozen people standing around, chatting.
Well, he was doing all the chatting.
They were just listening.
Well, maybe if you hadn't come by and broken it up, they might have chatted back.
As a matter of fact, it was their chatting that started him chatting.
Mister Uh, what shall I call you? You may call me President Washington, sir.
And, um, where do you come from, president? Virginia, sir.
Oh, yes, yes, where the father of our country was born.
I am the father of your country, sir.
And how did you get into this century, president? Providence brought me here, Your Honor.
[WHISPERS.]
There, I think I answered that question without lying.
And how do you plead? Uh, may I answer that, Your Honor? Certainly.
Not guilty.
Now, Mrs.
Stephens, we can't have our citizens going around attacking officers of the law with swords.
Ceremonial.
Ceremonial.
Especially while masquerading as George Washington, which I find offensive in itself.
I am not an impostor, sir.
Um Your Honor, I-I don't think it makes any difference whether he's George Washington or not.
What's important is that this gentleman has served to remind us of the things that George Washington stands for.
Oh, I'll be the first to admit that his behavior, to some, might seem a bit eccentric.
But what a noble eccentricity, sir.
I mean, would you rather have eccentrics who think they are Benedict Arnold or John Wilkes Booth? Your point is well taken, Mrs.
Stephens.
The president was merely defending the Constitution of the United States, which is something he holds very dear.
And he was acting under his rights of peaceful assembly and free speech.
I rest my case.
Mrs.
Stephens, it's lamentable but true that there are times when in the interests of maintaining law and order, we We tend to overlook those rights given to our citizens by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
You have quite effectively reminded me that this is one of those times.
Case dismissed.
[ALL SIGH, LAUGH.]
Thank you, Your Honor.
[SIGHS.]
Now, may I have my sword back? Certainly, if you'll sign this receipt.
May I ask you a question, sir? You may, sir.
Will you continue to be George Washington? No man should live beyond his time.
Therefore, although I shall continue to be George Washington, for I can be no other, I will not be that untimely gentleman in your gracious presence.
Well, what did he say? He's leaving town.
Uh, Mrs.
Stephens.
If he isn't George Washington, he ought to be.
Right on.
[.]
We want you to know that although we enjoyed our visit, we do feel that we've rather overstayed our welcome.
Not at all, sir.
It was a pleasure having you.
Oh, that's very kind of you, but George and I must be getting back now.
Esmeralda.
Now? [LAUGHS.]
Now.
Okay.
Jive this of weary to begin.
I alive look George on come.
What is she doing? Tsk.
She's reversing time by reversing the spell.
Can't she say it to herself? It sounds ridiculous.
Yeah.
Uh, E-Esmeralda, say it to yourself.
[.]
K-keep going, Esmeralda.
Have a nice trip.
It worked, Esmeralda.
It worked.
They're gone.
Gone? Without even a "fare thee well"? They waved.
Oh, in that case: [LAUGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I-I'll get it.
Judge Armstrong.
I must see him at once.
Mr.
President.
SAMANTHA: Oh.
He's He's not here.
We don't have a forwarding address.
I'll put a tracer on him.
What's wrong? Look, look, look.
Look at this.
It's a copy of a letter from Washington to James Madison.
The signatures are identical.
Well, the court clerk is a collector of Washington memorabilia.
He claims that this signature is authentic.
That's impossible.
Well, that's what I thought.
So we took the signature to Judge Cramer, who's also a collector.
He offered me $500 for the autograph.
He insists it's authentic.
You don't say.
Well, it can't be.
Can it? Well, uh, like you said, if he isn't George Washington, he oughta be.
[.]
[.]