Friends s08e22 Episode Script

What are you looking at? A poster for that WWI movie I'm in.
Check it out.
Wow! It looks really violent! I know.
I'm coming soon to a theater near you.
I'm in THX.
I'm unsuitable for children! - I cannot wait to see this.
- It's generating Oscar buzz.
- I started that! - I thought I did! I just talked to my agent and the premiere is next week and you're all invited! - Will we take a limo? - Sure! I love taking limos when nobody died.
Well, I won't be able to come.
For those who haven't checked their calendars, today's my due date.
I want to thank you guys for how great you've been during this.
I couldn't have done it without you.
I loved these last 9 months.
I'm looking forward to the next part but I am really gonna miss being pregnant.
That's right.
Still no baby.
Come on, people, make some room.
Sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here.
You.
Like you haven't done enough.
I know you're miserable.
I wish there was something I could do.
I wish I were a sea horse.
Because with sea horses, it's the male.
They carry the babies.
And then also, I'd be far away in the sea.
mrnch@dh.
net.
mk God.
I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life.
I know.
I remember toward the end That's a great story.
Tell it while you're getting me some iced tea.
Oh, God, get out! Get out, get out, get out! Let's.
The One Where Rachel is Late Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 Hey, did you have the baby yet? Do you want me to sit on you? Because I'll do it.
- What are you doing here? - They sent me home from work.
They said, "Start your maternity leave now.
Just rest.
" You know what? Screw them! If they don't want me there, I'll hang out with you guys.
Or you could do volunteer work.
- Hello? - Joey, it's Estelle.
I was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere.
- You told me I could have six tickets.
- I sold four on eBay.
You'll be sitting next to HotGuy372.
So that's it? I only get to bring one guest? Yeah.
What time do you want to pick me up? Hello? You hear that? I only get one extra ticket.
So somehow I have to pick between you three and Ross.
- What about me? - You said you didn't want to go.
I would still like to be acknowledged.
- Because I'm pregnant, I'm invisible? - Definitely not invisible.
Ross didn't care enough to be here, so he's out.
- You snooze, you lose.
- He's not snoozing.
He's teaching.
Well, then somebody's snoozing.
And, Joey, not that this should affect you at all, but if you pick me I was planning on wearing a sequin dress cut down to here.
- I haven't seen this dress.
- Star in a movie.
Pick whoever you want.
Listen to your heart.
What does it tell you? Phoebe.
Phoebe.
Phoebe.
Well I think I want to take Chandler.
Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe.
- You want to take me? - Yeah, I wish I could take everybody.
But Chandler's always supported my career.
He's paid for acting classes, headshots and stuff.
This will be my way of paying you back.
So you're never actually going to pay me back? Just because he paid for your headshots, you're gonna take him? I don't think you're comprehending just how slutty this dress is.
It's not just the stuff he paid for.
It's everything, you know? He read lines with me.
He went with me on auditions.
Then he consoled me after I didn't get parts.
You always believed in me, man, even when I didn't.
I always knew you were gonna make it.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, that means a lot to me.
Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.
- I'm gonna go shave.
- Yeah, well, I'm gonna go spit.
I have to pee.
If I don't come out, it's because I've choked to death on the potpourri stink.
You hold her nose, I'll blow in her mouth and the kid'll just out of her.
She's a week late.
She's got to have it today.
I don't know.
I think it's still gonna be a while.
Care to make it interesting? - I bet you she'll have it tomorrow.
- You're on.
- Okay, how much? - One hundred thousand dollars.
- How about 50 bucks? - I'll call Zurich and move some money.
All right, whose turn is it to help me get up? No one's here.
Oh, damn it! This is exciting.
So glamorous! People taking our picture.
How do I look? - A little tall.
- What? Would you crouch down a bit so that I look taller? There you go.
It's just so glamorous.
Oh, hey, Mon? Rach is here.
And you're still pregnant.
I'm sorry.
I know how uncomfortable you are.
You know what? You look great.
Yeah, like 50 bucks.
I have to go pee.
Apparently this baby thinks my bladder is a squeeze toy.
Damn it.
Here's your 50 bucks.
That's interesting that you lost.
Now, I forget, do you like to lose? All right, stop it.
- Double or nothing she has it tomorrow.
- Fine.
Until then, General Grant, why don't you set up camp right there? - Rachel here? We have an appointment.
- In the bathroom.
- Rach, we gotta go.
- In a minute! People ask why we're not together.
I just don't know what to tell them.
- All right, let's go.
- Do you want to go change first? The doctor's staying open late for us, but if you hurry - No, I'm fine.
- You don't think that's inappropriate? - What? - Good God, man.
Don't anger it.
Ross, it is 100 degrees outside.
For the first time in weeks, I am Fine.
Whatever you want.
You're the mommy.
No! Don't call me "Mommy.
" It's bad enough you call your own mother that.
I'm actually with her on this one.
I thought I knew who the enemy was Okay, this is it.
This is my big fight scene coming up.
I'm fighting for every man in the 82nd Ground Division.
Ross? Can I ask you something? When Carol was pregnant with Ben were you this irritating? - Excuse me? - Nothing.
You're just You've been a little short with me lately.
I'm not trying to irritate you.
Well, then, you must have a natural talent for it.
The doctor will be in soon.
Why don't we not speak until then? Seriously.
Breathe louder, Ross.
That's great.
We should ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half pure evil! - Hi, Dr.
Long.
How are you? - You're nice to her.
She has the drugs.
We'll do a quick check.
Eight days late, huh? You must be getting uncomfortable.
Yeah, just a tad.
You're 80%"%" effaced.
You're on your way.
It still could last a while.
- There are ways to help things along.
- Do them! Actually, they're things you can do.
Home remedies.
In my experience, I've found some are very effective.
- Well, we are ready to try anything.
- There's an herbal tea you can drink.
You can take some castor oil.
There's spicy foods.
We will do all of those.
- Taking a long walk.
- Good.
Done.
And there's the one that's proved most effective: Sex.
You've got to be kidding me! Good job, Joe! Well done! Top-notch! - You liked it? You really liked it? - Oh, yeah! - Well, which part exactly? - The whole thing! Here we go! No, no, no.
Give me some specifics.
I loved the specifics.
The specifics were the best part.
Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did you like that part? I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
You fell asleep! There was no kangaroo! They didn't take any of my suggestions! - Thanks for coming.
See you later.
- Don't go.
I'm so sorry.
Look, this guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him! Or call an ambulance! What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come? No.
She gave us ideas on how to induce labor.
We tried them all.
We went for a walk, we tried tea, castor oil, spicy food.
Nothing worked.
There is one thing we didn't try.
But someone thinks that that will open up a can of worms.
If it's gonna help bring the baby here, today I think you should do it.
- It's sex.
- Do it! - Monica.
- It's been a really long time for you.
I mean, women have needs.
Do it.
Get yours.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I think if the two of you had sex, the repercussions would be catastrophic.
All right, let's be practical.
If Ross isn't willing, he's not the only guy you can have sex with.
You could borrow Chandler.
Chandler is good.
Monica, what is the matter with you? - I just want the baby to be born today.
- Why today? Okay, fine.
I bet Phoebe that you're gonna have the baby, and I don't want to lose.
What? While she's been going through this hell, you've been making money? You're betting on your friend staying in this misery? - I'll take that bet.
- What? I'm miserable.
I may as well make some money out of it.
Can I get some of that action? I'm betting against all of you? I really feel like tomorrow it's gonna happen.
Okay.
Hey, Sleeping Beauty.
Where have you been? I want to talk to you.
I still feel bad.
Oh, no.
Were you upset? Did you lose sleep? I'm so sorry.
The reason I came over is to settle things between us.
I wanted to pay you back with the premiere, but you missed it.
- So how much do I owe you? - What? - I don't want to owe you anything.
- You don't owe me.
- I don't want your - We're doing this! You got me my first headshots.
How much? - I don't know, $500.
- Okay, $500.
What else? Then there was the second set.
The infamous "booger" headshots.
Okay, so that's another $500.
That's 500 and 500.
That's - You want a calculator? - Please.
Here.
All right, what else? Well, there's acting classes, stage-combat classes, tap classes Which we're still keeping under our hats.
That dialect coach who helped you with a Southern accent.
Which, after 20 hours of lessons, still came out Jamaican.
What the hell are you talking about? The South will rise again, man.
Yes, money well-spent.
Okay, what else? Rent.
Two, three years of rent, utilities, food Okay, so I'm writing you a check for So you fell asleep during my movie.
Big deal, right? How do you clear this thing? Finish your enchilada.
Ross, we've tried all the spicy food.
It's not working.
Okay, here, have one of these peppers.
Oh, God.
So hot.
Oh, my God.
By the way, you don't want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye.
I am feeling nothing.
Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes me want to have sex with you.
- Stop it.
- Come on! Why are we wasting time? We know it's gonna work.
It's doctor-recommended.
I'm sorry.
But we have to have some boundaries.
My God, I'm dying.
We've done it before.
We'll do it again.
It'll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.
I'm not gonna make love to you so you'll go into labor.
Make love? What are you, a girl? Always a great way to get into a man's pants.
You'll be performing a service.
Think of me as a ketchup bottle.
Sometimes, you have to bang on the end of it to get it to come out.
I love when you talk dirty to me.
I know it.
You're right.
That's not sexy.
Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork.
Let me just bend over and get it.
Oh, God! Okay, enough.
This is not going to happen.
Come on, Ross.
I'm miserable here.
Come on, you started this, now you finish it! Come on, wuss.
Make love to me.
- You know what? - What? Forget it.
What now, Ross, you're not gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh, wait a minute, I know.
You'd think the jalapeno would clear up your sinuses, but no! That's not enough What are you doing? I'm getting that baby out of you! - Oh, God! - I know.
Oh, no, no, no.
I think my water just broke.
I am good! Okay, I got the pillow.
I got the bag.
- You got the keys? - I got the keys.
We're having a baby.
I didn't have time to read this part of the books, but do we have time? - Not so much.
- Okay, let's go.
- 200.
- Thank you.
That's it.
I don't care when the baby comes.
No more betting.
Hello? I guess we could bet one more time.
- Is Rachel having the baby? - How did you know that? - Joey! Chandler! - They're at the coffee house.
You know everything! Wait.
I bet you the baby is over 7 pounds.
I bet you it has hair! I bet you it's a girl.
- We know it's a girl.
- I'll give you really good odds.