M*A*S*H (MASH) s08e22 Episode Script

[ Man On P.
A.
.]
Waltz a little faster, folks.
- New shipment of wounded in 1 5 minutes.
- [ Groans .]
Haven't had wounded for at least half an hour.
What is this? Anyway? We better take shifts.
- Margaret, why don't you grab a nap? - I think I'd better.
- There's this little rest-- - [ Wind Blows .]
little restaurant in Sausalito where a seagull sits on the windowsill.
You can tell by his expression he doesn't have any idea that people shoot at each other.
When I get outta here, I'm going there every day until I get that same expression on my face.
I don't think we'll ever get out of here.
They've tattooed our brains with this ugliness, and we'll never get it off.
Well, I'm gonna escape right now for exactly two hours.
- Sweet dreams, Margaret.
- That's what I'm planning on.
- You wanna make it a double feature? - No.
You sure you don't wanna see my selected shorts? I don't even wanna hear your Looney Tunes.
- [ Wind Blowing .]
- Chilly.
Mm.
[ Groans .]
[ Wind Gusting .]
[ Heart Beating .]
[ Heart Beating Faster .]
-[ Heart Stops Beating .]
-[ Loud Tramping .]
[ Heart Beating .]
[ Wind Whistling .]
[ Heart Beating Fades, Wind Whistling Continues .]
Abdominal wound.
Where do you want him? No place.
We haven't got a pair of hands free.
- Hold it.
U-turn.
- Where is the 8063rd during all this? - Why aren't they taking some of this heat for us? - They bugged out, Colonel.
Well, eventually, they have to ''disembug'' themselves.
Find out where they're bugging to and we'll send them a few neatly wrapped packages.
Meanwhile, call for some ambulances and clear out post-op.
We're getting too many customers.
I think it's time to take down the sign that says ''No cover, no minimum.
'' I'll be back before you can say ''baba ghanoush.
'' Damn.
I can't make my fingers work.
- Slight case of surgeon's cramp.
- Somebody take over for him.
- I'm fine.
- Connie, how'd you like to close? I thought you'd never ask.
- Move.
- Come on.
It's just a temporary spasm.
Then take a temporary hike.
Sure, push a guy around.
Boy, if I could make a fist, I'd be shaking it in the air right now.
Have yourself a nice long rest and be back here in 1 2 minutes.
Hi.
You come here often? Band's not great, but some of these kids can really cut a rug.
Good night, Peg.
Oh, don't be jealous.
It's just my wife.
?? [ Waltz .]
?? [ Waltz Continues .]
?? [ Waltz Continues .]
?? [ Waltz Continues .]
?? [ Waltz Continues .]
No ambulances, Colonel.
Some lieutenant at Battalion says he signed out for them and he won't send them up here where they're liable to get shot at.
I think he's a very new lieutenant.
Pierce, get somebody on this patient.
- Right.
Charles? - I think not.
Suture.
After this, I am taking a nap.
Who's gonna work on that patient over there? I presume, as you are chief surgeon, chiefly you.
Lieutenant, with all due respect what are you using for brains, chopped liver? Colonel, I personally signed out for those ambulances.
If they get blown up, it'll be coming out of my paycheck for as long as I live.
You ninny, the army expects them to be destroyed.
That's what they give them to us for.
That's not what they told me, Colonel.
Why don't you give me a call when the shooting lightens up a bit.
Lieutenant, I am gonna go over your head just barely over your head, so you better hang on to your skull.
Klinger, get me General Imbrie.
[ Sighs .]
I'm too old for this.
I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.
[ Horse Nickers .]
[ Horse Nickers .]
[ Thuds .]
[ Banging, Whistling .]
[ Hoofbeats Clomping .]
[ Woman .]
Sherman.
! Sherman Potter.
! Dinnertime.
Dinner.
! Colonel, Colonel, things are getting worse.
General Imbrie is doing bar duty in Tokyo, and I can't reach him.
The guy with the ambulances won't even answer the phone.
And post-op is so jammed, they're piling the wounded in my office.
I don't know what to do.
We can't put 'em outside because the thermometer just took another nosedive.
Sorry I had to wake you, Colonel.
I wish you could have given me one more minute.
It's been a long time since I tasted one of her home-baked muffins.
[ Man .]
Okay, put him down right here.
Easy.
Easy.
[ Man .]
Okay, put him down right here.
Easy.
Easy.
[ Chattering .]
[ Whistles .]
- [ All Exclaiming .]
- Bravo.
! Oh, me.
Let me put some in there.
[ Gurney Creaking .]
[ Laughter .]
[ Gasping .]
[ Patient Gasping .]
[ Gasping .]
[ Tap Dancing .]
[ Yells .]
Damn.
[ Shudders .]
Oh, over here, Father.
- Oh! - Let's see how cold they are.
Ooh, that's frozen.
If we put this stuff in those kids' veins, it would jolt them right off the table.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Here.
Let's start 'em on these.
I'll heat up a new batch.
Klinger, you're a warm human being.
It's the code of the desert, Father.
Share the heat.
All right.
Be gentle with me.
No rude shocks.
[ Shudders .]
A little coolness is all right but nothing sudden.
Ready? [ Gasping, Shuddering .]
[ Hammering .]
Hey.
Hey! What the hell kind of hotel are you guys running here? - Tie that other side down, will ya? - Sure.
Haven't been able to sleep since I got here.
Sorry, General.
This time of year we get a lot of convention business.
You like a room with a view? We can put you up top.
I wanna see your commanding officer.
Yeah, well, right now he's operating.
We'll send him in as soon as he wakes up.
- [ Hammering .]
- Sorry.
I don't want anyone else to hear my confession, Father.
If I talk like this, can you hear me? Oh, certainly, son.
Go right ahead.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been six months since my last confession.
And since that time, I've committed three sins against the Sixth Commandment.
The first occasion was a bar in Seoul in which I trove sobbert in farley quince to civilar falamaries with closive infilches and depationary farven.
Then, about a month later, we'd been up on the line for 28 days.
Everybody was real fatigued.
We all wanted to go out and just try to forget, you know.
So, of course, we started drinking, and then I saw again staven in tusiflia thurgis.
In frawl with sagullery purchel.
But franges are gurvel, you know.
Iskeep perobic tondo.
[ Continues, Fading .]
[ Birds Twittering .]
?? [ Church Organ .]
[ Cheering .]
[ Cheering Continues .]
[ Cheering Stops .]
[ Chattering .]
[ Chattering Continues .]
[ Margaret .]
Watch the sponge count.
Father? - Father.
- Oh, I'm sorry, son.
I-I haven't slept for two days.
Do I have to say all that again? Well, you can skip the details and just give me the highlights.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
- How are you feeling, General? - I'd feel better if I had a little privacy.
Sorry, General.
Right now privacy is anything less than three to a bunk.
There's no reason these boys have to be crowded together.
Why can't you evacuate some of them? Because down at Battalion, some yahoo of a first lieutenant won't send us any ambulances.
- Why the hell not? - He says there's a lot of shooting going on and he doesn't want the ambulances to get hurt.
Damn jackass.
If I had 30 seconds with that pimple-headed lieutenant I'd boil his bars for him.
Well, I think we can put that through, person-to-pimple.
- Lieutenant? - Yes, sir.
- Get Klinger in here.
We got a call to make.
- Right away, sir.
[ Train Clacking .]
[ Train Whistle Blows .]
[ Man .]
Toledo.
Toledo, next stop.
[ Train Slowing, Clanking .]
[ Train Stops, Hisses .]
[ Wind Blowing .]
Klinger.
! Klinger.
! Klinger, you better run a phone line to post-op in the next two minutes or you're in big trouble.
Oh, thank you, Lieutenant.
Those are the sweetest words I've ever heard.
I'm alive.
I'm alive! Oh, Lieutenant! Lieutenant, I'm sure you have a very sound reason for not sending those ambulances into combat.
- Yes, sir.
- So, why don't you come up here right now in the flesh - and tell me what it is.
- I-In the flesh, sir? Or what's left of it - Lieutenant? - They're on their way up now, sir.
That's fine, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
You see, Colonel? He'll let us have those ambulances.
He just wants to save his caboose.
[ Laughs .]
Thank you, General.
Well, it's over.
Well, it's good to know we could do it.
Why couldn't they just choose up sides and thumb wrestle? A couple of good manicurists could handle the whole thing.
Mornin', cousins.
How y'all? Well, you came through it all right for a dead man.
Are you kidding? I thrive on collapse.
Air-conditioning your meat? No, I'm deciding whether or not to eat it.
I think not.
I've seen one too many livers today.
Is this liver, or am I changing a tire? Why don't you go on back to the Swamp and go to sleep? I don't know.
That sounds like too much trouble.
Now then, Dr.
Pierce how do you reattach a limb? I'm sorry.
I was-- I was sleeping.
Did we cover that? Your left arm, please.
Twist it.
Pull.
May I have it? This young man wants his arm back.
Do you know the procedure? I was sleeping.
I don't know.
[ Water Splashes .]
Your right arm, please.
If you would.
[ Thudding, Scraping .]
[ Helicopter Approaching .]
No! [ Helicopters Approaching .]
[ Chattering .]
Well, it's been a miserable, grueling, rotten couple of days.
A little shut-eye would go down great right about now.
You can say that again.
Even my teeth are dozing off.
Compared to the way I feel, Rip Van Winkle was an insomniac.
Well, good night, folks.
If you need me, I'll be unconscious.
Ah, to sleep perchance to dream.
On the other hand, maybe I'll have another cup of coffee.
- Good idea.
- Help keep us warm.
- I'll pour.
- A big shot of that, Father.
[ Overlapping Chatter.]