Shameless s08e22 Episode Script

Anyone thinking we know fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back.
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots! Now you've got your ConDemNation, Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up! Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?! Is revolution a word or was it never? Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester, and they charge us for water! I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak! It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now.
Partaaaay! 'Get a few quid, shag a few birds, decent clobber, 'smart motor.
What then? '25% of lads aged 18-26 are waiting to be discovered.
'And 50% of 16-year-olds want to be famous.
'For what? 'Don't you need to be able to do something first? 'When the painful truth hits them hard in the bollocks, there's going to be 'plenty of disillusioned young men and women out there.
' There, son, go on.
Go on, son.
Ta! 'It's handy for the alcohol companies and drug dealers, 'as everyone gets twatted to try and deal with it.
'Are you one of them bitter losers wondering what went wrong? 'Or is there still time to do something about it?' Kelly Maguire.
Said I'll be there in five.
Tell me what you're wearing.
Sick! Where are you rubbing it? He's got my bag! He's got my bag! He's got my bag! Push it all the way up.
I bet it's nice! Now pinch your nipples and shout my name.
Hope it's not your mum or sister next.
Yeah, they wouldn't be out on their own! No nothing.
I'm coming.
Not in my pants! Just wait there.
Arrggh! Help! Will somebody give me a hand? I'm a policeman! Look, somebody give me hand! Help! Someone help! Yeah, ambulance.
His leg's impaled on a fence.
Look, will someone give us a hand? Don't get involved, mate.
Gallagher! Yeah, I'm almost there.
"With love and respect for the woman I worship," "and whose family I'm privileged to enter.
" "I pledge to guide her beautiful child" Maybe doing our own vows is a bad idea? Mimi's keen you stamp your own style on this wedding.
She'll do a good job with hers.
The lads'll think I'm taking the piss.
So focus more on your love for Mimi.
But, bottom line, you are going to be their step-father.
Mam? She's in the Jockey.
Just had to give Scouse Macka a slap.
Spreading lies.
Said that Dalglish and Souness spit-roasted the night them tramps won the European Cup! She hates Jocks.
Maybe that's why.
What yous up to? Private tuition.
Thought you got maths? Everyone can improve.
It's so I can help out with invoices, spreadsheets.
Duh! We don't keep paper trails.
The Jockey has to.
Tax returns.
Karen does all that.
"I promise to love," "cherish" "and mentor these beautiful children" "James, Shane," "Michael and Cilla.
" "I was the sad song you made better" ".
.
said don't be afraid of the dark" Fucking knew it! Mam and that granny-shagger! Et tu, Rooney! He's got a name.
Yeah? What's the opposite of paedophile? Paedophobe.
I'm sorry, Mimi.
Someone going to tell us what's going on? I wanted a more fitting occasion for the announcement.
But I suppose the more time to get your head round it is no bad thing.
Billy Tutton is doing me the honour of making me his wife.
Who's Billy Tutton? No congratulations? A match made in Jeremy Kyle ratings heaven! May you have a gilf-edged future! No three cheers for the happy couple? Bet a round of drinks on the house will break the ice.
On me.
I didn't get rid of it.
So lay off the vodka! I swore I'd never be a single mum.
You don't know what he'll say.
Shane loves kids.
It's got nothing to do with him.
How can it not? He's always trying to be nice.
Makes my skin crawl.
Bit harsh.
All that natural, earthy shit used to turn me on.
I was thrilled he was so different.
Now he just stinks.
Your emotions are bound to be all over the place.
You know when you know.
I've moved on.
I hate this park.
Even with me to protect you? Where were those shitbags when they were needed? Check PC Plod shaking his daft head! Bet you feel safe with him at night Carl's ten times the man you'll ever be! Carl? I think he knows.
Takes more than Armani jeans and a pair of Air Max to be a man.
Gallagher? Stand up for yourself! Do you two wash the filth off each other in the shower? Leave it.
D'you know him? I think so.
Simon Wexford? In our kid's year in school.
Ian? Lip.
Good at football? Brilliant.
City's academy.
Not that good, then.
I vote we choke him on his own bollocks, slice him like a pizza, and feed him to the eels in the Manchester Ship Canal.
Curious face of Billy Tutton Button! I'll get him on his own.
Have a word.
Imagine it's you or him, dead or alive, but there can only be one winner.
All right, calm down! Or, right, he's ripped you off for fifty grand.
Nobheads! We can't kill him for marrying Mum.
Pussies.
We make the little shit realise this can't happen.
Send him far away, if necessary.
And what if she follows him? Then at least we've done our best.
Have you heard yourselves? Earwigging! Surprises are nice, but I don't want you spending too much.
Our love for each other is everything we need.
D'you reckon, Mimi? A few brothers and sisters might be nice for Cilla.
We'll have to get a move on.
That's what it's all about, Mimi.
Maybe some day you'll get a grip of your bird.
Billy! I need a word.
I can't, mate, sorry.
I've got to go see a man about a horse.
Me and Paddy turned the tables on the greedy fucks - Started drinking in this hotel weeks before, spent plenty, got the manager sweet Night of the wedding, promised we'd pay the tab at the end free bar, everyone proper drunk.
We just did one never went back.
Why don't we do that? Cameras, too many grasses it's tricky now.
I hope I make you as happy as Paddy did.
Of course you do and then some, handsome.
Did you bait many badgers, Daisy Crockett? Lovely.
Keep us cosy this winter.
Make a nice hat and mittens them.
You all right in there? It's easier to concentrate.
Did you ask Chesney about the food? What? You know Jamie won't let this happen don't you? And we all have to follow our leader.
I can't do dead things any more.
I thought we were doing all right.
I'm sorry, Shane.
I can't be with you.
After everything we've been through? Years of ups, downs, spinning round and fucking round? What's so big that we can't deal with it now? It's not about the big stuff any more.
Is it that bald fucker? Slag.
Wanker, wanker! Come on! I can do that.
Bad taste, Shane.
Are you going to him? I'm going to no-one.
There is no-one.
Then what? The fact that there almost was means you can't be the one any more.
I promise.
I promise I will make this better.
Don't No more hunting, if that helps.
Kel, I swear to God.
Watch me.
Now that I know how you feel You don't know how I feel.
Yes! Yes I do.
Kelly, I swear I'll fix us.
Give me one more chance to show you.
That's all I need.
I'll show you Three Rolexes, two Tags, a Panerai and a bird's Cartier.
Suit Karen.
These things are worth a third without their papers.
Not these.
Phil Fingerarse said he'll take the lot at 40%.
Bit of a coincidence Baghead Billy's just back from Bangkok.
These are real, dickhead.
The ram raids were on the news.
You couldn't raid a biscuit tin.
Not me! What you doing here? Any chance of a chat? Don't I know you from somewhere? Am I in trouble? Still playing football? Bit of five-a-side.
You? Got a game with the national police team.
Wouldn't thought you'd make it.
Went for different kinds of trials instead.
I know I should have done something in the park.
Don't worry about it.
Official policy is discourage have-a-go-heroes.
Gives us more paperwork if a robbery becomes a murder.
Like you said, that could've been my mam.
Should have left him stuck there.
Yeah, well he'll never be a father, but he's alive.
I never forget a bizzie's kipper.
Crown court two years ago.
You put Vinny the Red away for five years.
And I'm sure you and Paddy looked after his family.
Only right, seeing as he kept his mouth shut Buzzing you asked, mate.
Just you know Soon as I get the cartilage fixed, I'll definitely give you a call.
Be good to play for a proper team again He's pressing charges.
For what? Said I pulled his leg down on the spike.
Deliberately.
It's now my fault he can't have kids.
Bollocks.
Agreed.
But if this goes the wrong way, I could go to jail.
On some smackhead's say-so? I've had something similar before.
I know it's hardly second nature, but I could do with a witness.
Or are you going to turn away again? I don't think you understand.
You know what? I really do.
You having a laugh? Gonna play football with a dibble? Need a lift? I'm not going far.
It's all right, Billy, get in.
I've got to go and see the florist.
I've got a few knock-off dresses need you to pick one for Mimi it'll just take a minute Maybe later, mate.
Grab him! Fuck's sake! What's up with you?! Sorry.
You OK? Get in.
Hang on, Tony! Fucking hell Right.
Get in here and bend over, you worthless piece of shi Tony doesn't mind.
Won't be long.
Bit kinky.
Much demand? You've no idea.
I just almost ran our Shane over.
He's in bits.
Feel guilty about fucking your mum's relationship so you want to fix your brother's? I don't need some headcase going under when we're out grafting.
Again, all about you.
The law according to Jamie Maguire.
It's not just about me if some ex-smackhead brass is taking the piss out of my family.
Please leave.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Does he know? Did it get a bit messy with some punter? Are you keeping it? No wonder you want out.
It was over long before this.
Yeah, well, he thinks you're giving it another go.
Yeah? If we do, it's because we want to.
When will you learn? You can't make the world fit into the box you want.
And every time you force it, it keeps straining to spring back into the shape it was meant to be.
Try not to hurt him too much.
Now add that to what he's already give you.
Making me give in and let Billy think I'm a pushover? He thinks he did good, though.
Three? Five.
Three and a half? You can't kid a kidder.
Four and a half.
My last offer four grand.
I'm grateful, Ches.
I got my reputation to think of.
He's just trying to prove himself.
Jackson said he was a trier at school.
That's what we called the divvies in woodwork.
Don't be so sensitive, Mimi.
He didn't even get that.
Don't think I haven't noticed all the sniggering behind our backs.
You're being paranoid.
Yeah? Hardly been inundated with offers to help, have we? I helped with your vows.
Whit-whoo Nobody's actually said they're pleased for us.
To be honest A few of us aren't sure you're doing the right thing.
Mimi always knows her own mind.
Too right, Ches.
We'll see how dubious everyone is when they're necking free champagne all night.
All night?! That dibble deserves all he gets.
Think they can go round slapping who they like Is that our Daz? Give us your phone, you dick.
Daz! How much? I'll buy it off you! Daz! Daz! He'll get fuck all in Cash for Stash, him.
You all right? How about that for gratitude Is there a price on the '45 Phantom convertible without a chauffeur? Let's go.
What's the postcode got to do with it? Yeah? Why don't you stick your shit car up your arse, you prick? That's the spirit.
Now, about that chat.
Piss-taking over, sunshine.
Pack whatever possessions you've accumulated in your tender years and fuck off as far away from our mum as you can.
What about Mimi? What about her? She's recovered from worse than some spotty little scrote doing a midnight flit.
That's right.
You get in touch and tell her you had second thoughts you've changed your mind, it wasn't meant to be make up whatever you want but if I ever see you around here again I'll let this pit bull get medieval on your arse.
At least it's working.
It's mint.
Might get one on my next upgrade.
Thought you just got a new phone? contract only.
Who off? Daz Mitchell.
You shouldn't even know him.
It's all right for you to shag his sister, though?! And a lovely girl she is, too.
Hypocrite.
Where's he even getting 30 quid? You should be praising his initiative.
Should be on a curfew.
That's right.
24/7.
Thought Police.
Tight rein does them no favours round here.
Just enough slack to stretch to Strangeways? Social worker in the area Is your new mate getting under your skin? Behave.
No, no careful Carl.
Y'know, enemy within.
Cameron's Stasi You should lay off the weed.
It's got nothing to Go on.
It will pass, you know.
What will? Thinking you're better.
I'm going for a run.
You not think there was plenty of times I'd had enough of the gaff? I was a young man once, sick of this place.
But we Gallaghers thrive in this environment.
Darwinian.
We're naturals when it comes to playing the game.
Their game So how come everyone else got off? Fiona, Lip? Monica's snide little genes blagged it to the front with them.
Truth be told, they're not made for it the same way.
You and me peas in a pod.
Like your new bird said there's more of me in you than the others.
You're even better than I ever was.
Running errands for Jamie, plenty of readies.
You're a proper success story.
You can run but you can't hide.
Someone help! Gallagher.
Someone give me a hand! Someone! Gallagher! Been a while since we last ate as a family.
Sardine butties and Greggs' custard slices for Cilla's birthday.
A proper meal.
Conversation.
We still need to clear the air.
And you need some decent scran inside you.
Nerves, excitement, whatever it is AIDS? Where's Kelly? Getting rifled off a six ft stud with an eight inch length? Stop winding him up! I don't want him wasting away before we get hitched.
No one be late.
Has he packed? Mam's had us too busy.
Be around for her once he's gone.
She's gonna need looking after.
Still say we cut him up I used to melt in Monica's eyes but these It better not turn all to mush.
They'll sort that out.
No wonder I'm mad for Carl.
He obviously learnt his lyrics from a master craftsman.
Up, here he is.
Careful what you say.
I've got someone to look after me anyway.
It was for football! Have you seen this? Another busy fucker sticking their nose in.
Some pensioner just naused a brothel.
It stopped people traffickers.
There were 13-year-old girls in there! See! Priorities messed up.
Converting to the dark side already.
Don't be stupid! Got to earn a living somehow.
Jamie.
We're late.
So are we.
Don't know what the rush is.
KFC's 24/7.
Cheers, everyone.
Cheers! Micky, hand.
Why haven't you packed yet? Can't beat a pan of scouse.
Sprouts, Kell? Billy's not been eating properly laying on the wedding of the year's taking its toll.
I don't need it.
Looks like someone's had a few beers.
If you want to get rid of me, you'll have to do it your way.
I've got something I need to say.
I know most of you don't want this to happen.
Nice to see no one's denying it.
Appreciate the honesty.
So, in case anyone gets a bit brave, "Speak now or forever hold your peace" I'm gonna prove I know what I'm doing.
What was always my dream? When you were kids, where was my dream place to live? Aigburth? By the sea.
The final piece in my jigsaw of life.
Keep me happy til the day I die.
Three months ago your father rang me.
Where is he? Working with some main players out of Bangkok.
Exporting all over the world.
Hey we could visit.
An 'oliday.
You said you've always fancied Thailand? Lovely.
This is his six bedroom house on the beach.
Four staff.
Chauffeur driven Merc.
He asked me to join him.
Told me he'd do anything.
Totally new man begged me, said none of it mattered without me.
Like a lottery win.
Except I told him it's not what I wanted.
I don't believe you.
First class.
Manchester to Bangkok.
This was before Billy turned up.
That's the point.
If I know that I don't want that luxury and comfort for the rest of my days, credit me with enough intelligence to know what I do want now.
We are doing this anyway.
But you're my family.
You're the people I want to spend the rest of my life among.
Your approval counts more than I think you know.
It won't be complete without you behind us.
If you really love me, please give us your blessing.
Fine.
You'll always be my little star.
Even Cilla couldn't knock you off that pedestal.
Never feel threatened.
But I'd be the proudest mum in the world if you'd agree to give me away.
To Mimi and Billy Mimi and Billy.
- Keep away.
Agh! - Get off you dickhead.
Get here, you slag.
I'll smash your head in! Aagh! Leave her alone! Get in there, you slag, I'm warning you! 'We Gallaghers thrive in this environment.
Darwinian.
'You and me peas in a pod.
' Simon! Nice timing.
You come to console me? I'll say what I saw.
Once it made the news they get a bit keen for a scapegoat.
I don't get you.
With my previous suspension's the easy option.
Nothing I can do? Did it take you this long to grow a pair? We are fucked.
He says he's a 34 waist but I don't reckon he's seen his bollocks since they dropped.
There you go, "Dad.
" Finished? Got a couple of spares for the derby on Saturday.
Should batter them.
He still seems wary.
Micky freaking him out won't help.
Fiance's still off his food.
He must have lost a stone with all this pressure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Carl.
No wires? Behave! Laters.
Hope you don't mind me asking Go on.
My mates'd crumble.
Bit young.
I'm not saying you're old, it's just you've got a bit more about you than most people.
What the fuck are you on about? Will you be my best man? Least you've got your appetite back.
I'm hungry for you! We've got a bit of business to attend to.
Could use another set of hands.
You're family now.
Bit of bonding will do you good.
What's the business? You are.
No point in hanging round.
Agh! What the fuck's that? Steds.
Time to exercise those demons.
Mild ones.
Stop your whining.
We've only got a week Mam won't want you looking like a crackhead at the wedding.
Ha-ha-ha! Come on, champ.
Hello Needed to swerve predators a few million aeons ago? Hardly.
Quick enough to catch a dodo? What do you think KFC and Nando's are all about? Civilisation.
How's he doing? Who "runs" around here anyway? Having it a bit lively from the odd lot, maybe.
I'm looking after myself, proper.
Well Here she is! About time you two settled down.
Ignoring your texts? We need to talk properly.
Tonight.
He's here now.
Yeah.
Got it.
Lucky day, Carl.
Collect that for Jamie? Be the easiest monkey you've ever earnt.
Tell him I'm passing.
I don't think you've got a choice.
Well, no offence, that's exactly what I've got.
Aye? I'll go.
Feel free to stay mates with him if you want, but I'm calling it a day.
Who you talking to? Well, As the man said Old young All the rage round here.
Mimi? Do one, you tramp.
No way, that can't be his.
No, I'm not having that, how could you? Where would you fucking put it? I'm pregnant.
I'm with child.
Fat fuck.
Tell you something, they shouldn't even have kids.
Somebody else's.
What you say? I'm going to have a baby.
I'm sorry.
Who? One of your regulars? Could be a one-off.
Did you forget to take your tablets? Nothing's hundred percent.
But the pill and a condom, it makes the chances minute.
So I'll buy a lottery ticket.
See if the luck continues.
It wasn't on purpose! I hate hurting you.
Maybe it's what we need.
Somebody else's baby?! A family.
No one needs to know it's not mine.
Everyone knows you're a jaffa.
They'll slaughter you.
Not if we say there's a new discovery.
Jesus, Shane! Call me a slag! Slap me, make some fucking sense! We'll know.
Kel, I don't care what anyone says.
I'm losing all respect for you.
Yeah, well you'll find it again.
This can't go on.
I can't go on.
Without you.
Yes you can.
Kelly.
I couldn't live without you.
I don't know what I'd do.
Please, Shane.
Don't go there.
You'll learn to love me again.
I know you will.
A Town Called Malice Come on, Billy! He's getting away from you! Go on! Taking him! You're doing it! Go on, Billy! No, and the crowd go wild! Fuck! You said, if I beat you at anything, we can go home.
What's up with you? No more I just want to go.
Come on, Champ.
Look I just want to go home! What do you reckon? Not bad.
Think he's ready? Welcome to the family.
Hey.
You wouldn't have put me down that easy.
It's a pathetic excuse for ordinary nobheads going bananas away from the missus and the uprights, sniffing charlie and shagging brass! Pitiful existence.
You not get asked on the stag-do, then, Frank? - Hey! - Hen-pecked already! I tell you what, he's a braver man than me taking her on.
Yeah, it's OK, but it doesn't feel right if you're not having one.
I had one the first time round.
Last thing I need's a hangover on my special day.
Chesney's on his way.
Enjoy yourself.
I'm all right.
Don't worry.
OK, then.
Right, bye.
Look, you sure you're OK? Course I am! Do you want one of mammy's stories? About a princess who waited half her life to find a real prince charming? Keep your fucking hat on! Mimi Maguire? What's it to you? I'm arresting you for wilful neglect of your duties as the hen, on the orders of your friends and neighbours.
Ha-ha! You didn't think you'd get away with it that easy? Here, don't encourage What are you playing at? No harm in giving him one final test.
He's been on the steds over a week, we'll be lucky if he doesn't smash this gaff up and try and rape half the birds in here as it is! I want to see how committed he really is.
No complaints.
Mum's the word, eh? Shine Fuck! Carl? How are you supposed to fasten? Boys, boys.
John! Jackson! Sound, yeah.
Good luck.
She's coming, she's coming! She's coming, come on! Good luck.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the wedding of William and Katherine.
Do you, Katherine Mimi Harmonica Joy Maguire, take William Tutton to be your husband? I do.
If anyone knows of any lawful impediment, please speak now or forever hold your peace.
You've taught me, nurtured me, helped me to grow and mature.
I will respect and treasure you with every atom of my being.
Your precious family is now my own and I embrace them into my world.
Jamie Shane Walk on together, I pledge to never try to control you, to never smother you.
Trust and love will ensure we walk on our natural paths wherever they lead us.
You may now kiss the bride.
Go on, son! I am sorry.
I know.
I won't stop you any more.
Thank you.
Billy and Mimi knew they'd face criticism.
They knew people'd disapprove, even those closest to 'em.
Regardless of this, they've let their love lead them.
They were strong enough to stand up for what they believed in most of all.
See, they've set an example.
They've proved that you find your true direction when you're true to yourself.
Today's a very special day.
And I'm proud in more ways than you could know.
Thanks for making me your best man.
Right, a toast! To Billy and Mimi Tutton, the bride and groom! Papa's Got A Brand-New Bag 'Moving on.
It's difficult when it means leaving people behind.
' Just lend us some wads, you know, to get some drinks, yeah.
Here's 20.
Thank you.
It's a free bar! 'Moving on's even more difficult 'when the life you choose is something so unusual.
'So different to what you know.
You might as well 'have dropped in from another planet.
' Turn it up! 'I'm not waiting around to be discovered.
'But what else am I going to do?' 'Start a riot?!' Red Bee Media and APOLLO Was that it?