That '70s Show s08e22 Episode Script
That '70s Finale (2)
Man, the last day of the seventies.
You know, thinking back it's like one big blur.
You're welcome You know Donna, it kinda sucks that you are leaving for college today.
I mean I kinda wanted to ring in the new year by throwing out all your curduroy boy-pants.
Well classes start on Monday and Eric gets back at five so I just wanna like get out of here before all the drama.
Wait a second If you're actually going, then who is going to be the recipient of Fez' traditional midnight feel-up ? Well I was thinking that Fez'll be feeling up Jackie.
I mean, she's his new victim I mean girlfriend.
Oh.
I don't know Jackie and I haven't even had our first official kiss yet.
Yeah it's been a little hard making the transition.
Yeah and I don't know what to do because now that she is not pushing me away and saying "get off" it's just awkward.
Wait a second Why are we wasting our time talking about this ? Donna's leaving town, it's the end of the decade, we should be doing something awesome man.
Something we have never done before Or this.
That '70s Show - 8x22 - That '70s Finale Wow Wine at eleven-thirty huh ? Did you run out of Bourbon ? Well I am just a complete wreck.
I've decided I don't wanna leave Wisconsin.
D'you tell Red ? Well I I've been trying to but, he's just, he's so excited about Florida.
Oh, but I've been dropping hints, I told him that sunshine makes people whistle because I know how much he wants to punch those people in the face.
Steven ! Here's a cheque for you.
It's for all the rent you've paid over the years.
I put it into a savings account so you'd have something to get you started.
Wow ! This will buy me a monster bag of marshmellows Yeah well, you gonna need a place to live now that we're moving to Florida.
Boy It's gonna be strange selling the house.
That's true.
Plenty of warm memories You morons just hung vacancy-signs on your asses ! And my foot's looking for a room ! You know I had to vandalize your ass with my foot Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass ? How about I drive my foot into this thing called your ass ? You know we could call in a specialist to find my foot in your ass My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote It's called "On the road to in your ass".
Did you ever actually do that with your foot ? Once On Iwo Jima.
I can't talk about it I love this song.
Yes.
It's perfect for our first real kiss.
What ? Stop it ! You smiled first ! Well I was thinking about tootsie rolls ! Uh Fez, we're forcing this.
Our first kiss has to be romantic and spontaneous.
And as a guy, it's your job to completely plan that out.
I hate being the guy.
And not just because of this.
The shoe selection is aweful.
Oh, Mrs.
Forman I have here something that might make Red reconsider about moving.
Oh my God ! Packers season tickets ? Red had been on that waiting list for ever ! Yeah my grandfather was on that list for 30 years.
When the tickets finally came he was 90 years old.
He ate them.
How did you get these ? I used the cash that Red gave me.
Oh I would hug you but I know you don't like that.
Thank you You are such a good boy ! Alright Mrs.
Forman, that's enough.
I'll say when we're done Jackie wants our first kiss to happen somewhere romantic.
I wish I could bring her here but this place is ruined "Michael + Jackie" It's like going out after Sinatra.
Yeah we've had some good times up here man.
My favourite thing was watching how people got down This is a dangerous spot ! There you guys are.
KELSO ! Hey man, when did you get back ? Man, c'mon ! I'm not going to spend New Year's without my friends C'mon ! Besides, it's, like the turn of the century ! It's so good to see you.
.
Did you just kiss my ear ? A little I liked it I'm so psyched, man I got this like four-foot bottle rocket and then I'm gonna like tie it to my arm and light it and just blast into the future ! Hey you guys I just thought of the perfect way to put the seventies to bed.
What do you say the three of us jump of this thing one last time together ? You're reading my freakin' mind ! Alright you guys ready ? Okay One two Wait, wait.
I know how this works You're gonna say three and I'm gonna be the only one that jumps.
Well if it makes you feel any better, why don't you do the counting ? That way we all have to jump ! Alright Here we go One two three ! AAAAHHHHAAAAHH ! I just can't wait to see my Eric ! I wonder what he'll look like ? I'm going to go out on a limb and say skinny.
- Hey.
- What the hell man ! I thought you left for school like three hours ago.
I just want to see Eric one last time, you know ? Show him that even though he broke up with me that I'm fine.
Uh-huh Or maybe it's cause you still looooove him You are so off.
- Oh he's here ! - Oh my God, how's my hair ? Where's Eric ? The genius missed his flight.
I circled the airport so many times that my finger actually hurts from flipping people off ! This is so typical of Eric.
I let myself get all excited and then he even doesn't show up.
You know Mrs.
Forman I'm sorry, but your son is an inconsiderate jerk and I'm so glad I'm through with him ! Yeah, things are going great in Chicago.
I even taught my baby daughter how to say "Burn" She doesn't use it right though.
I get her a lot more than she gets me.
Hey, you're still doing security at the Playboy-club ? Yeah.
I got promoted to supervisor.
I'm the guy who says : "don't touch".
Can you believe that ?! Me ?! Hey speaking of hot chicks, what's going on with you and that stripper wife of yours ? Hmmm not good, man.
She's gone.
Apparently she's not the sweet innocent little girl she pretends to be at the start of her act.
That's bad news.
I totally would've done it with her Man, Hyde, that was right on the bone.
My arm's all tingly.
Just like your wife would have been if I would have done it with her ! Oww ! Ah I missed this Remember that time you shot me with a BB gun ? I still have the BB stuck underneath my skin.
I like to play with it sometimes when I get bored.
Just like I would have done with your wife Awesome my tooth is loose ! Okay Jackie I think I figured out why we haven't been able to have our first kiss.
We have too much history together.
So I thought that tonight would be romantic if I rewrite some of that history.
Look ! Oh crap ! It was dark This really shouldn't be this hard.
I just want everybody to know how much I love you.
I always have.
That was really nice.
Yeah you have a really strong tongue.
Yeah, it's from all the talking.
Just when I thought I can't like Florida any more, they reinstate the death penalty ! Red you are not gonna believe what just came for you My Packer tickets ?! I know ! Isn't it terrific ? Fifth row.
You can hear the knees blowing out from there ! I can't believe I have to give them away What ? I know how much you're looking forward to Florida.
I wouldn't do that to you.
Red, I don't wanna move What? Well I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move you you've been so happy and smiley and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer.
Red this is my home.
I don't wanna leave.
Kitty we don't have to go anywhere.
I don't care where I live.
As long as I'm with you - Really ? - Of course.
Red - I love you.
- Ohhh I love you too I was talking to the tickets - Hey.
- Oh hey man.
If you're looking for Forman, he's still not here.
I don't wanna see him.
I just wanna get drunk and ring in the New Year with my friends.
Oh Well in that case welcome on board of "Wasted Airlines" Should you experience a loss of buzz, a beer will fall into your hand Please make sure to drink that beer before helping small children with theirs.
Everybody we have an announcement we've decided not to sell the house.
We're going to stay in Point Place.
Hey, that's so weird, man.
I was just thinkin' of movin' to Point Place ! Well I am just I am just so happy we're staying because I would miss you so.
Like Fez the way you and I have tea and make fun of male ice-skaters And Jackie you're such a doll.
I don't even mind your bad-handed compliments.
Ohhh Mrs.
Forman, you're my favourite old lady ! Oh, and you too Leo You always make my day when you wave and smile hello.
Even when you are urinating on my mailbox Oh, and Bob No matter what I cook, you can't pass it up.
Kinda like you can't pass up a woman's rear end without yelling "Whoohoo" ! Just being polite.
And Steven My second son I adore you But you know uhm now that we're staying maybe you could shave your mustache, because, Honey you look like a forty-year old male prostitute.
And Donna, sweetheart No matter where you go I will always love you like a daughter.
I'm so sorry things didn't work out with you and Eric.
Uhm I think I need some air So speaking of daughters has anyone seen Laurie ? Now listen Bob, uh I know that you were counting on me for the bait shop and all Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.
I'm a big boy I can make it on my own I'm gonna miss you so much ! Wow, you're getting really good at this kissing thing It's magical I couldn't ask for anything else.
So when do we get to second base ? Oh Mr.
Forman, can I light this off in your house ? Sure, and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
And that my friends, is the last foot-in-ass of the decade ! Cheers ! Michael, I just it's so good to see you.
The girls in the emergency room were just asking about you.
You know, it's like I've been gone for so long I almost forgot you're a hot Mom ! You know what else it hot ? My foot when it's in your ass.
Look at that.
He got one more in 'm ! Happy new year Eric Donna I'm sorry I'm late.
I caught the last flight out.
So uh.
awkwaaard So how are you ? I'm good.
I start college next week.
Oh - That's awesome.
- Yeah.
So what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve ? Look Donna when I left I was so positive that I was doing the right thing.
- But now I've been gone so long - Eric, things are a lot different now I know.
It's just Donna, I thought about you every day.
And you know what ? It turns out that, uhm Red was right I am a dumb-ass ! Donna, I'm sorry.
So uh - sounds like there is a party going on in there ? - Yeah there is You're Mom's like really drunk Oh okay Yeah I don't know if I'm ready for all that.
I wish there was just some way to take the edge off Edge, you are officially off ! Eric, I have the most incredible news.
I have kissed Jacqueline Burkhart ! Yeah Fez.
I have some incredible news too So has everyone else ! I think it makes total sense that Fez ended up with Jackie.
She started out with me, the Ferrari And then she went to Hyde, the Mustang And now she's with Fez, who's like a donkey pulling a cart full of brightly colored Mexican blankets ! Oh hey Kelso, I almost forgot I got you something from Africa for your daughter.
Check it out.
A genuine plastic rhino-horn.
Awesome ! Look guys, I'm a rhino ! Guys, I think it's time we honor all the braincells that survived the seventies.
Despite our best efforts some of those bastards pulled through.
Tonight, they're going down Die braincells, die ! And you're next liver Hey did you guys hear about that car that runs on water ? It's got a fiberglass aircooled engine and it runs on water, man ! It's like we never run out of things to talk about down here I knew you burnouts were down here.
You guys, it's almost midnight.
Mrs.
Forman is pouring the champagne.
Hey guys, last one up the stairs has to call Red a dumb ass ! Oh man Hello It's Me (1972) by Todd Rundgren ( see That '70s Pilot) Boy we're good ! We're really good !
You know, thinking back it's like one big blur.
You're welcome You know Donna, it kinda sucks that you are leaving for college today.
I mean I kinda wanted to ring in the new year by throwing out all your curduroy boy-pants.
Well classes start on Monday and Eric gets back at five so I just wanna like get out of here before all the drama.
Wait a second If you're actually going, then who is going to be the recipient of Fez' traditional midnight feel-up ? Well I was thinking that Fez'll be feeling up Jackie.
I mean, she's his new victim I mean girlfriend.
Oh.
I don't know Jackie and I haven't even had our first official kiss yet.
Yeah it's been a little hard making the transition.
Yeah and I don't know what to do because now that she is not pushing me away and saying "get off" it's just awkward.
Wait a second Why are we wasting our time talking about this ? Donna's leaving town, it's the end of the decade, we should be doing something awesome man.
Something we have never done before Or this.
That '70s Show - 8x22 - That '70s Finale Wow Wine at eleven-thirty huh ? Did you run out of Bourbon ? Well I am just a complete wreck.
I've decided I don't wanna leave Wisconsin.
D'you tell Red ? Well I I've been trying to but, he's just, he's so excited about Florida.
Oh, but I've been dropping hints, I told him that sunshine makes people whistle because I know how much he wants to punch those people in the face.
Steven ! Here's a cheque for you.
It's for all the rent you've paid over the years.
I put it into a savings account so you'd have something to get you started.
Wow ! This will buy me a monster bag of marshmellows Yeah well, you gonna need a place to live now that we're moving to Florida.
Boy It's gonna be strange selling the house.
That's true.
Plenty of warm memories You morons just hung vacancy-signs on your asses ! And my foot's looking for a room ! You know I had to vandalize your ass with my foot Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass ? How about I drive my foot into this thing called your ass ? You know we could call in a specialist to find my foot in your ass My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote It's called "On the road to in your ass".
Did you ever actually do that with your foot ? Once On Iwo Jima.
I can't talk about it I love this song.
Yes.
It's perfect for our first real kiss.
What ? Stop it ! You smiled first ! Well I was thinking about tootsie rolls ! Uh Fez, we're forcing this.
Our first kiss has to be romantic and spontaneous.
And as a guy, it's your job to completely plan that out.
I hate being the guy.
And not just because of this.
The shoe selection is aweful.
Oh, Mrs.
Forman I have here something that might make Red reconsider about moving.
Oh my God ! Packers season tickets ? Red had been on that waiting list for ever ! Yeah my grandfather was on that list for 30 years.
When the tickets finally came he was 90 years old.
He ate them.
How did you get these ? I used the cash that Red gave me.
Oh I would hug you but I know you don't like that.
Thank you You are such a good boy ! Alright Mrs.
Forman, that's enough.
I'll say when we're done Jackie wants our first kiss to happen somewhere romantic.
I wish I could bring her here but this place is ruined "Michael + Jackie" It's like going out after Sinatra.
Yeah we've had some good times up here man.
My favourite thing was watching how people got down This is a dangerous spot ! There you guys are.
KELSO ! Hey man, when did you get back ? Man, c'mon ! I'm not going to spend New Year's without my friends C'mon ! Besides, it's, like the turn of the century ! It's so good to see you.
.
Did you just kiss my ear ? A little I liked it I'm so psyched, man I got this like four-foot bottle rocket and then I'm gonna like tie it to my arm and light it and just blast into the future ! Hey you guys I just thought of the perfect way to put the seventies to bed.
What do you say the three of us jump of this thing one last time together ? You're reading my freakin' mind ! Alright you guys ready ? Okay One two Wait, wait.
I know how this works You're gonna say three and I'm gonna be the only one that jumps.
Well if it makes you feel any better, why don't you do the counting ? That way we all have to jump ! Alright Here we go One two three ! AAAAHHHHAAAAHH ! I just can't wait to see my Eric ! I wonder what he'll look like ? I'm going to go out on a limb and say skinny.
- Hey.
- What the hell man ! I thought you left for school like three hours ago.
I just want to see Eric one last time, you know ? Show him that even though he broke up with me that I'm fine.
Uh-huh Or maybe it's cause you still looooove him You are so off.
- Oh he's here ! - Oh my God, how's my hair ? Where's Eric ? The genius missed his flight.
I circled the airport so many times that my finger actually hurts from flipping people off ! This is so typical of Eric.
I let myself get all excited and then he even doesn't show up.
You know Mrs.
Forman I'm sorry, but your son is an inconsiderate jerk and I'm so glad I'm through with him ! Yeah, things are going great in Chicago.
I even taught my baby daughter how to say "Burn" She doesn't use it right though.
I get her a lot more than she gets me.
Hey, you're still doing security at the Playboy-club ? Yeah.
I got promoted to supervisor.
I'm the guy who says : "don't touch".
Can you believe that ?! Me ?! Hey speaking of hot chicks, what's going on with you and that stripper wife of yours ? Hmmm not good, man.
She's gone.
Apparently she's not the sweet innocent little girl she pretends to be at the start of her act.
That's bad news.
I totally would've done it with her Man, Hyde, that was right on the bone.
My arm's all tingly.
Just like your wife would have been if I would have done it with her ! Oww ! Ah I missed this Remember that time you shot me with a BB gun ? I still have the BB stuck underneath my skin.
I like to play with it sometimes when I get bored.
Just like I would have done with your wife Awesome my tooth is loose ! Okay Jackie I think I figured out why we haven't been able to have our first kiss.
We have too much history together.
So I thought that tonight would be romantic if I rewrite some of that history.
Look ! Oh crap ! It was dark This really shouldn't be this hard.
I just want everybody to know how much I love you.
I always have.
That was really nice.
Yeah you have a really strong tongue.
Yeah, it's from all the talking.
Just when I thought I can't like Florida any more, they reinstate the death penalty ! Red you are not gonna believe what just came for you My Packer tickets ?! I know ! Isn't it terrific ? Fifth row.
You can hear the knees blowing out from there ! I can't believe I have to give them away What ? I know how much you're looking forward to Florida.
I wouldn't do that to you.
Red, I don't wanna move What? Well I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move you you've been so happy and smiley and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer.
Red this is my home.
I don't wanna leave.
Kitty we don't have to go anywhere.
I don't care where I live.
As long as I'm with you - Really ? - Of course.
Red - I love you.
- Ohhh I love you too I was talking to the tickets - Hey.
- Oh hey man.
If you're looking for Forman, he's still not here.
I don't wanna see him.
I just wanna get drunk and ring in the New Year with my friends.
Oh Well in that case welcome on board of "Wasted Airlines" Should you experience a loss of buzz, a beer will fall into your hand Please make sure to drink that beer before helping small children with theirs.
Everybody we have an announcement we've decided not to sell the house.
We're going to stay in Point Place.
Hey, that's so weird, man.
I was just thinkin' of movin' to Point Place ! Well I am just I am just so happy we're staying because I would miss you so.
Like Fez the way you and I have tea and make fun of male ice-skaters And Jackie you're such a doll.
I don't even mind your bad-handed compliments.
Ohhh Mrs.
Forman, you're my favourite old lady ! Oh, and you too Leo You always make my day when you wave and smile hello.
Even when you are urinating on my mailbox Oh, and Bob No matter what I cook, you can't pass it up.
Kinda like you can't pass up a woman's rear end without yelling "Whoohoo" ! Just being polite.
And Steven My second son I adore you But you know uhm now that we're staying maybe you could shave your mustache, because, Honey you look like a forty-year old male prostitute.
And Donna, sweetheart No matter where you go I will always love you like a daughter.
I'm so sorry things didn't work out with you and Eric.
Uhm I think I need some air So speaking of daughters has anyone seen Laurie ? Now listen Bob, uh I know that you were counting on me for the bait shop and all Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.
I'm a big boy I can make it on my own I'm gonna miss you so much ! Wow, you're getting really good at this kissing thing It's magical I couldn't ask for anything else.
So when do we get to second base ? Oh Mr.
Forman, can I light this off in your house ? Sure, and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
And that my friends, is the last foot-in-ass of the decade ! Cheers ! Michael, I just it's so good to see you.
The girls in the emergency room were just asking about you.
You know, it's like I've been gone for so long I almost forgot you're a hot Mom ! You know what else it hot ? My foot when it's in your ass.
Look at that.
He got one more in 'm ! Happy new year Eric Donna I'm sorry I'm late.
I caught the last flight out.
So uh.
awkwaaard So how are you ? I'm good.
I start college next week.
Oh - That's awesome.
- Yeah.
So what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve ? Look Donna when I left I was so positive that I was doing the right thing.
- But now I've been gone so long - Eric, things are a lot different now I know.
It's just Donna, I thought about you every day.
And you know what ? It turns out that, uhm Red was right I am a dumb-ass ! Donna, I'm sorry.
So uh - sounds like there is a party going on in there ? - Yeah there is You're Mom's like really drunk Oh okay Yeah I don't know if I'm ready for all that.
I wish there was just some way to take the edge off Edge, you are officially off ! Eric, I have the most incredible news.
I have kissed Jacqueline Burkhart ! Yeah Fez.
I have some incredible news too So has everyone else ! I think it makes total sense that Fez ended up with Jackie.
She started out with me, the Ferrari And then she went to Hyde, the Mustang And now she's with Fez, who's like a donkey pulling a cart full of brightly colored Mexican blankets ! Oh hey Kelso, I almost forgot I got you something from Africa for your daughter.
Check it out.
A genuine plastic rhino-horn.
Awesome ! Look guys, I'm a rhino ! Guys, I think it's time we honor all the braincells that survived the seventies.
Despite our best efforts some of those bastards pulled through.
Tonight, they're going down Die braincells, die ! And you're next liver Hey did you guys hear about that car that runs on water ? It's got a fiberglass aircooled engine and it runs on water, man ! It's like we never run out of things to talk about down here I knew you burnouts were down here.
You guys, it's almost midnight.
Mrs.
Forman is pouring the champagne.
Hey guys, last one up the stairs has to call Red a dumb ass ! Oh man Hello It's Me (1972) by Todd Rundgren ( see That '70s Pilot) Boy we're good ! We're really good !