The Goldbergs s08e22 Episode Script

1 Back in the '80s, the romcom was king.
From "Splash" to "Romancing the Stone", I loved 'em all.
But my girlfriend Brea? Not so much.
- "Pretty in Pink"? - Yeah, everybody loves movies where the rich guy gets the girl.
- "Some Kind of Wonderful"? - Some kind of bummer.
- "Broadcast News"? - "News"? Do you hear yourself? Pick a damn movie already! And no swords, wizards, Robin Williams, or babies.
- How do you not love romcoms? - They're just so fake.
- Real life doesn't happen that way.
- But it does.
That's what makes them so delightfully relatable.
I honestly hope I die in this chair.
It's so weird that I'm used to that.
Brea, romcoms are all around us.
Like these two.
First, they're high school sweethearts.
Then, they hilariously split almost forever.
Now, they're so in love, they barely even know we're here.
- Romcom.
- Romcoms are just silly stories with misunderstandings that could easily be explained by one character saying one sentence.
Which is awesome.
Like, in this one, Julia Roberts fills a guy's car with fish 'cause she thinks he's cheating.
But really, he's just hanging with his sister.
I know "Mystic Pizza".
We're ordering Mister Pizza? - Yes! - Who said we're ordering pizza? Brea.
And I want a New York thin crust on top of a Chicago deep dish.
Let those cities fight it out in my mouth.
See? Wildly idiotic misunderstandings in romcoms happen in real life, too.
Why don't we just watch "Meatballs"? Meatballs! Now you're talkin'.
I want six private balls.
You don't eat meatballs on their own! You need spaghetti or Chinese food! Did I just hear someone mention meatballs? 'Cause I just gutted a salmon I'm about to parm.
"Meatballs" was the girl's idea.
Wow, Brea, you've really become quite the comfortable guest.
- I'm sorry? - Don't be.
Watch this.
Maybe we should watch "Stakeout".
Yes! Bring a steak out.
I want a rib eye, a tomahawk, and a porterhouse.
Makes sense to me.
Triple Crown of beef.
So, I guess we'll have fish, meatballs, and every cut of beef.
Thanks, Brea.
I'm just here to watch a movie.
- Like "Hamburger Hill"? - A hill of burgers? That'll be the perfect start to Brea's festival of meats! Whatever works for ya, Bevy, but I would definitely chuck the fish and go with the meats like the girl says.
Well, I guess Brea's beef banquet it is.
Happy Thursday to me, Brea.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was May 19th, 1980-something, and Geoff had gathered his best friends for an important announcement.
Okay, now that Erica and I are back together forever, I've decided I'm gonna ask for her hand.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Geoffrey Middle Name Schwartz, are you saying what I think you're saying? It's often hard to know what you're thinking, so I hope so? Bar, he's saying he's gonna propose to your sister.
I was mostly right! Yes! Oh! My God! Erica's gonna get to do this all the time? I'm excited, too, Bar.
Can I have my arms back for a sec so I can show you guys the ring? Oh, my God.
Before you do, just know I accept.
- Accept what, exactly? - Best man.
I mean, I didn't want to make it awkward for Geoff to single me out in front of all of you clearly lesser men.
Actually, I was hoping you guys could all be my best men.
Fine, but I think it'll be clear to everyone who's the best co-best man.
Super clear.
Now, I was hoping one of you could hold onto the ring for me.
Matt Bradley, you're the most dependable guy I know, so it would mean everything to me Say no more! My hiding skills are legendary.
I don't want you to hide it.
I just want you to keep it safe.
Don't need all the boring details.
You mean the details that are super important.
Like, where the hell is the ring that was just in your hand? I put it in my pocket, which has a hole in it, and now it's down by my shoe where it's safe.
- Yeah, Bar, I want the ring back.
- Never! I mean, not never, but after I hide it successfully.
I'm off to the secret location.
- Okay, no - Barry! Well, well, well.
Look who finally showed.
We were literally 10 feet behind you.
And yet, not in time to know where I hid the ring.
Definitely in this room.
Somewhere close to where you are now.
- Probably under the pillow.
- How?! It's like they're all "Spenser: For Hires"! What are you boys up to? Just not hiding stuff.
You're acting weird.
You're acting weird.
Can't four grown men anxiously come to my childhood bedroom for a reason so private, it would literally blow your mind to dust? Or just nothing.
We should go.
We should, because there's no sacred baubles of great personal or monetary value hidden somewhere in this room.
Now, move, move, move! Not surprisingly, my mom sensed something was up.
Geoff and Erica! Aah! What's happening in here? Just doing my jazzercise.
In Barry's room? With no music? Silent jazzercise.
It's for librarians and mimes.
Well, I'm glad to know you're part of a vibrant community.
Is it cool if Geoff and I use the shore house this weekend? Oh, my God! Yes! Wow, you're more excited than I am.
Oh, so romantic.
The moonlight dancing on the water - as he asks you.
- Asks me? Uh, well, whether you want New England or Manhattan clam chowder.
Oh, gross.
Is it Chowderfest time already? I know.
Time flies.
You used to be my little baby, and now you're a big girl.
Okay, you're obviously having a mental breakdown, so I'm just gonna go get the keys.
Yep, my mom could barely keep the secret from Erica, so she had to share it with someone.
Hey, that was "Battle of the Network Stars"! Now I'll never know if Potsie can out-tug T.
J.
Hooker! Look what I found in Barry's room.
Husband tip eat more salt.
That way, your finger will swell up and it won't slide off.
This isn't my ring, Murray.
Our child is getting engaged.
Really? Those two morons? See what's happening? My mom's telling my checked-out dad that Geoff is gonna propose to Erica, but he thinks she's talking about Barry and Joanne.
Quite frankly, it's about time.
Feels a little fast to me, but at least I won't have to pay for it.
What? Of course you have to pay for it.
Damn modern times.
Ruining everything! And this makes you gleeful why? Because, Brea Bee, a classic, real-life romcom misunderstanding is unfolding before our very eyes.
So, now, we're gonna be related to the Schwartzes? This keeps getting worse and worse.
You will not make this union of two young hearts all about your stupid feud with Lou Schwartz.
- You saw what he did! - What did Lou do? Let's just say the worst thing someone could do to my dad.
- He asked him to stand up? - Aww.
You really know him.
But worse.
Who doesn't melt cheese on the cheeseburger?! He had it just sitting there on the tray with the fixin's! Like it was gherkins, Bevy! - Gherkins! - For God's sake, Murray, you yelled at him in front of his guests and then stormed out of the barbecue.
I did it for all of us! Well, you need to go over there and make it better.
You know what would make it better, Bevy? When your patty is sizzling on the grill, you put a little cheese on it.
You know, they come in slices now.
Go! And don't say anything about the engagement.
It's a secret.
Put your child's happiness above your own.
If she would have said "Erica" instead of "our child", the whole thing would have been cleared up.
What a hysterically reckless game you're playing with your loved ones' lives.
You get it now.
And so, my dad schlepped to the Schwartzes' - to make things right.
- Uh, Bevy wanted me to come over and, uh, apologize.
About the barbecue incident? I guess it was wrong of me to yell at you for as long as I did.
It was 17 minutes.
There was a clock behind you.
I was blind with rage, but that's no excuse.
- So, I'm sorry.
- Thank you, Murray.
It's nice to barely hear that.
Now, you say yours so I can get out of here.
I left my car running.
What do I have to apologize for? The cheese, Louis.
The cheese.
Some people like the option to take the cheese off.
You can't do that if it's melted.
Plus, cold cheese retains its flavor better.
Linda, please.
That is patently absurd.
I've got this.
Get out.
I only came by 'cause my wife didn't want things to get weird after the kids got engaged.
Wait, w-who's getting engaged? Bevy found a ring in Barry's room, so I guess he's gonna propose to what's-her-name.
Joanne?! That doesn't sound right, but you'd know.
- But they just started dating! - That's what I said! But the heart wants what it wants! Melted cheese! Jo-Jo's getting engaged?! "Jo-Jo"? I'm Jo-Jo.
Naturally, she then went right to Barry's room, looking for proof he'd propose, and one little misunderstanding got a lot bigger.
Joanne? What are you doing?! Looking for this.
Oh, you're y-you're not supposed to see that.
Barry, it's way too fast to be getting married.
I thought you'd be excited.
I mean, if a boy wants to marry a girl, shouldn't he propose? Well, not if the girl isn't ready.
And she's not? She will be one day.
But not now.
This is really upsetting.
Oh, well, it doesn't have to be.
It can still be really fun and physical.
Oogh! I don't want to think about that.
Well, I'll think about it for us.
Like, a lot.
And so, that little misunderstanding snowballed.
Meanwhile, Geoff was still ready to pop the question to Erica, but not without asking my dad first.
Mr.
Goldberg.
Murray.
Um, your daughter means everything to me, and if you would extend me the honor Gaagh! I thought it, and it happened.
Why'd you tackle me? You cannot propose to my sister.
- She's not ready.
- Wha How do you know that? Joanne told me.
Apparently, they're a lot closer than I thought.
But we've been so happy since we got back together.
I guess I never considered it might be too fast.
You can be an impetuous boob.
It's just, we're going to the beach this weekend, and I told her there was gonna be a big surprise.
- Ready to hit it? - Oh.
For sure.
Or we could just hang here and take it slow.
Like super slow.
Look, I'm Geoff in slooo-mooo.
Uch.
Please say this isn't gonna be the entire car ride.
Sometimes we get what we want, and other times, we get crushed by life's cruel indignities.
This guy! He knows how to kick off a beach weekend.
- Okay.
- Aw, man! The simple lack of pronouns is wreaking havoc on people's lives! I don't think I'm enjoying this as much as you are.
Are you not following what's going on here? Yeah.
Your mom found the ring that Geoff was going to use to propose to Erica, but your dad believed it was Barry who was gonna propose to Joanne.
And when he let that slip to the Schwartzes, Joanne found out and told Barry that she wasn't ready to get engaged.
Only Barry thought she meant Erica's not ready, which he told Geoff.
So, now, he and Erica are going away for the weekend, and he has to provide a surprise, only it can't be a proposal.
So, you're up to speed.
But don't worry.
Romcoms always work out in the end.
- You really believe that? - I have zero doubt.
Hey, Bar.
Um, you can just take this, and if you wanna hide it or lose it forever, that's that's fine.
Okay.
Maybe a little doubt.
Believing her baby girl was about to be engaged, my mom was on cloud nine and ready to spread the big news.
- Hi, Bev! - Ahh! Ginzy! Oh, my neighbor! My friend.
My shadow.
You may not shine brightly, but without your dull glow, my life would be meaningless.
You are the moon to my sun.
- Aw.
- Sweet, simple Essie.
Do I have a dull glow, too? No, you are a more distant planet to my sun a dull, icy, lifeless orb that somehow makes my life richer.
Aww, it's like you're a hateful Carl Sagan.
Well, listen, I have some incredible news that will put in stark relief how pointless your lives are.
My baby's getting engaged! Ahhhh! Match your intense joy with mine! Yes! Yes! Moon, dim faraway rock, what's wrong? Wait, why isn't Linda here to celebrate my divine union with her family? That's kind of the thing.
She's not as excited about the engagement.
I see.
Beverly, how are you this strong?! A mama can stop a train with her teeth if her babies are threatened.
But I just said it's too soon.
They barely know one another.
They're soul mates, you cracked leather bag! And let's be honest the boy is a tad emotionally underdeveloped.
Well, that's weird of you to say, but okay.
Look, none of this matters anyway, - because the proposal isn't happening.
- Isn't happening? What kind of an overbearing, self-centered mother are you to cancel my baby's wedding, where I'm going to perform Jeffrey Osborne's "On the Wings of Love"?! The kind who intervenes because their child is making a big mistake.
Well, you'd better hope this happens, or I will put you in a permanent headlock in which you will have to eat, bathe, and sleep.
Well, that's not gonna be practical for either one of us.
Oh I'll do what I can! My mom desperately hoped Linda was wrong about the engagement, and there was only one way to find out.
There's our special snack-maker! Can you believe we've been sitting here without a single chip and/or dip? And Murray pulled out a bag of uncooked rice.
It'll do in a pinch, but my teeth aren't thanking me.
Linda Schwartz stopped the proposal.
See? Everything works out if you just do nothing.
No.
This is a bad thing.
Like not having snacks.
I'd even eat a tomato like a piece of fruit.
I once closed my eyes and ate a radish while thinking about a pear.
It doesn't work.
The mind has limits.
Adam, maybe you have some info you'd want to reveal? Did you know a zucchini is actually a berry? - What's that about? - Not fun food facts.
Fine.
Mom, are you positive the proposal is off? Because maybe everything's fine.
My Schmoopy-angel.
Always looking on the bright side.
I'm gonna go call the shore house and see.
It's pretty pretty quiet here, huh? Oh, and now some noise.
What a day, right? - Hello? - Hey, Schmoo.
Just checking in.
Anything fun or joyous you'd like to share? A bird flew into the window.
It looked dead, but then it took off like an hour later.
Yeah, such dramatic creatures.
So, uh, Geoff said something about a surprise.
What's that about, fool? I don't know fool.
I kinda thought my surprise was gonna be something special, but he's acting squirrelly.
Oh, wait, he's coming over right now, and he's extra sweaty, for some reason.
Oh, my God! It's happening! Hey, so, um, I-I know I promised you, like, a big surprise, and I'm I'm sure you're wondering what it is.
So, here goes nothing.
Yes! It's like I'm there! I told you.
It always works out.
Erica, you mean everything to me.
He'll probably mention me later, but so far, so good.
Life with you is like a party in my heart.
But why just party in my heart, when we can party at your parents' beach house? Surprise! - Who wants to split a beer with me? - I saw a pelican! So, this is my surprise? Hanging with your friends and Johnny Atkins? And Carla, bitch.
It's just a party at our beach house? - Oh, balls.
- Yeah.
Giant balls you could've stopped.
Hey, I know that bro.
- Yeah, I invited you.
- Right.
Then happy birthday, champ.
And I'm not calling you champ 'cause I don't know your name.
- Is it Glenn? - It is not.
And it's not my birthday.
Are you calling me a liar, Glenn? Okay, Mom, I should go.
"Glenn's" in trouble.
Damn it, Murray! He's not proposing! - Barry? - Geoff! - To Joanne? - To Erica! - But Barry is? - But Barry is what? - Proposing! - To Erica? - To Joanne! - Stop confusing me.
Stop confusing me! Allow me to explain.
Bill and I are famished.
It's actually gettin' kinda rude.
Okay, can someone please tell me what the [bleep.]
is going on? With my hopes of a happy ending fading, I had no choice but to step in and set the record straight.
And those are the six standard plot devices of any romantic comedy.
So, what you're saying is that Geoff isn't proposing because he thinks Erica doesn't want him to? And it was Joanne who didn't want a proposal from Barry.
And he didn't want to propose to her in the first place.
And it all started because Mur-man is a loving, yet disinterested father.
It's effortless.
Wait, Barry, you weren't gonna propose to me? One day after I become a wildly successful doctor, emcee, and multi-sport professional athlete.
- So, like, next summer.
- This is upsetting.
But Jo-Jo, you didn't want him to propose! A girl still wants to be asked.
Then let's make it happen! I'll do a super heartfelt sham one right now.
No.
I want it to be surprising and romantic, and then I'll reject you.
Enough.
The only thing that matters now is getting Geoff back on track.
What do we do? Well, at this point in a romcom, someone would tell the guy to "go to her".
But Geoff can't go to her.
He's already with the her he's supposed to go to.
Well, if Geoff can't go to her, I'll go to her.
No one's going to go to her without me.
And I have the ring! I need to go to him so he can go to her.
And I'll stay put for all of us! Not a chance.
We're all going to her.
You can go to her in my church van.
- You're not going? - Oh, I don't like to get involved in other people's romantic entanglements.
Everyone, to Vic's religious van! Go, go, go! Go! Go! Erica hoped for a romantic getaway with Geoff, but instead, she got this.
- Truth or dare? - Dare.
I dare you to give me the key to your apartment.
I thought you liked using the window? Damn it, Johnny! I've met all of your cousins! Isn't that enough?! Oh, man.
I wasn't planning on doing this with all these asswipes up in our business, but here.
It's not just to my apartment.
It's to my heart.
That's clearly the key to a bike lock.
This has been truly traumatizing.
- Oh.
Oog! - And it's not over.
It had to be truth or dare! I suggested charades.
Ugh.
Where is this going? Well, I know where I'm going to get some fresh air.
- Do you want company? - I'm good.
- I-I think she's upset.
- No way, man.
- Don't be crazy.
- I'm upset.
Are we just gonna stand here and watch this? Where is she? Mrs.
G? Mom? Dad? - Where's Erica? - She's taking a walk.
What's going on? Let me start from the beginning.
You see, I love romcoms.
Brea, not so much.
- Really, Adam? - Geoff, Erica never said she didn't want you to propose.
It was all just a huge misunderstanding.
So, you're saying My Geoffrey.
Sweet fruit of one of my dearest friend's loins Aww.
will you please take this ring and propose to my baby girl and make me the happiest mama in the world? Yes.
Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Yeah! Wait! There's something I need to do first.
Joanne, the sweetest fruit of my mother's friend's loins It's different when he says it.
will you marry me? Keeping in mind your earlier promise to reject me and make me the happiest man in the world? No! No! A thousand times no! Yes! Here you go.
Okay, now I just need permission from Mr.
Goldberg.
Not so fast.
- Lou - Murray, please.
Bevy, we're gonna share grandchildren with this man.
What kinda world do you want them to live in? A world with melted cheese on a burger, of course, but Wait, what other kind of world is there? According to him, a world where cold cheese sits lifelessly on warm meat.
Fine.
I was wrong.
I just get overwhelmed at the grill, okay? - Let it out, sweetie.
- Between the timing and the buns and all of that corn on the second rack, I panicked! I'm sorry, Murray! From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.
Ahh.
- All right, uh, you got permission.
- Great.
Then let's all go find Erica and propose to her together.
- Absolutely not.
- Good idea.
I'll find her myself and tell you what she says.
Here's what gonna happen.
I am going to go find Erica, and I am going to propose to her, and I'm going to do it alone.
Yowza! Erica snagged herself a man.
And while this is really overshadowing our relationship news, I'm super pumped for you, Glenn.
My name is Geoff Schwartz, and I'm gonna go ask the love of my life to marry me.
Beautiful.
Sure, the ocean.
It has a lot of fans.
I'm not talking about where I am.
I'm talking about who I'm with.
I'm sorry.
I thought this weekend was gonna be just us.
You know, special.
Well, I think it still can be.
Oh, my God, really? Yeah, really.
I-I don't even know what to do or say.
I Should I kneel, too? You're perfect.
I got this.
Yeah, you do.
When I first had a crush on you, I was just an anxious ball of nerves who could barely say a word.
But now, I know exactly what I want.
Is it me? Please say that it's me.
Erica Goldberg will you marry me? Oh, hell, yes! In our defense, we're so happy for you! It had been a crazy year for Erica and Geoff, but in the end, it was all worth it, and it seemed only fitting that they got to share the occasion with pretty much everyone they knew.
My best friend's marrying my sister.
It doesn't get much better than this.
Oh, I dunno.
I think we've got a lot of good things to look forward to.
Aww.
Murray, are you crying? My peanut's getting married, and he's a great guy.
Sometimes life exceeds your expectations.
Not sometimes.
The kids, you all the time.
So, what do you think about romcoms now? It's a lot more like real life than I realized.
Just promise me we won't have this much confusion in our relationship.
I'm never confused about how I feel about you.
That's the thing about family.
It's not just the people you're forced to share a house with.
It's the people you choose to share your life with.
Of course, this meant my mom's dream of planning a wedding was gonna kick into gear - Oh, my God! I-I hope - but that could wait for another day.
This one was about the pure happiness of everyone who was there and the excitement of what was to come.
I know, I know I don't always get every detail exactly right, but I do remember that moment when my sister said yes as the sun set.
Yep, it was 1980-something, and it was picture perfect.
Close.
He's barely There's a beetle on Geoff! Ooh! I guess it's not about the music.
Why are you laughing at me? Oh! Just the other day, we take And it's choc It's chocolate mousse! And once you climb into those soothing waters, all your cares will drift away And once you climb into those soothing waters, oh, your dreams will come true? Did everyone hear my stomach do that just now? - I can't keep a straight face.
- I'm sorry.
I'm gonna cry.
Were you charmed by that, or what?