The Simpsons s08e22 Episode Script

## [Chorus Singing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
D'oh! [Singing On TV.]
## [Ends.]
- [Bart Laughs.]
- Shh.
[Man Speaking French On P.
A.
.]
[Laughing.]
[French Continues.]
[Loud Explosion.]
Turn it down! We don't want to wake up Mom and Dad! - [Loud Explosion.]
- Shh! - [Muffled Laughter.]
- ## [Singing On TV.]
[Loud Laughter.]
[Snoring, Gasps.]
Oh, my goodness! Kids, Homer, we're late for church! - I'm glad I dressed last night.
- Oh, I'd love to go with you, honey but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
In that case, he should've made the week an hour longer.
- Lousy God.
- [Groans.]
And the very same goes for Ezekiel which brings us back to our starting point "the Nine Tenets of Constancy.
'" [Yawns.]
Damn it! - [All Gasping.]
- [Clears Throat.]
Well, I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over.
[Moe.]
Aw, for the love of crumb cake.
- Our sermon today is on constancy- - [Bart Moans.]
- [Marge Groans.]
- inasmuch as the- - Moreover, by dint of our application- - [People Snoring.]
- of these principles, we can learn- - [Marge Groans.]
- The auspices of constancy- - [Snoring Intensifies.]
sweet constancy.
Oh.
- [Bird Screeching.]
- [All Gasping.]
Hey-What- - [Kids Cheering.]
- Oh, man, am I glad to get out of there! Whoo! Hey, calm down.
You're wrinkling your church clothes.
Who cares? This is the best part of the week.
It's the longest possible time before more church.
Church shouldn't be a chore.
It should help you in your daily life.
It should, but it doesn't.
Now, who's going with Daddy to the dump? - Me! - Me! Me! - The dump? Yeah, we're gonna get rid of the Christmas tree.
It's starting to turn brown.
- Want to come with? - No, I don't feel like going to a trash pile today.
- It's your life.
We'll bring you back somethin' nice.
- [Groans.]
[Humming.]
[Scoffs.]
Can you believe it? They give you five Q's and only two U's.
- What a world.
- That's crazy.
So, what's on your mind, Marge? Sermons about constancy and "prudissitude" are all very well and good but the church could be doing so much more to reach out to people.
Well, I don't see you volunteering to make things better.
Well, okay, I will volunteer.
I wasn't prepared for that.
[Both Grunting.]
Come on, Christmas tree! - [Grunting Continues.]
- [Coughing.]
Okay, who's up for some scrounging? Hey, here's a perfectly good basketball half.
I found a Malibu Stacy with no head.
- [Screeches.]
- [Screams.]
[Laughing.]
- [Chitters.]
- [Screams.]
- Oh, my God! Help me, Lisa! - Lisa, Dad, come here quick! There is something that you won't believe! What the heck is that? - [Bart.]
Maybe it's a box from the future! - [Lisa.]
It looks Japanese.
[Mutters.]
What's going on? Wh-Why am I on a Japanese box? [Muttering.]
Oh, my God! What is that? [Marge.]
All done.
I swept the aisles and put all the collection plates in the dishwasher.
And you wouldn't believe how many dead pigeons there were in the organ.
Marge, you are a real time-saver.
Do you know, thanks to you, I've rediscovered a form of shame that's gone unused for 700 years? - Wow! - [Ringing.]
- Lovejoy here.
- Reverend, this is Principal Skinner.
I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn.
- All right.
- Mother's gone too far.
She's put cardboard over her half of the television.
We rented Man Without a Face.
I didn't even know he had a problem! - What should I do? - Well, maybe you should read your Bible.
Um, any particular passage? Oh, it's all good.
All right.
Thanks anyway.
- [Dial Tone.]
- Reverend, I hate to say this but it sounded like that poor man was reaching out to you.
I'm not sure your advice was all that helpful.
[Laughing.]
Oh, Marge, I was once idealistic like you.
It was the mid-'70s, and I was fresh out of seminary.
The '60s were long over, and people were once again ready to feel bad about themselves.
## [Man Singing On Car Radio.]
I came to Springfield ready to roll up my sleeves and help my fellow man.
There was just one fellow man I hadn't counted on.
Reverend, I'm a- I'm afraid something terrible has happened.
Well, sit down and rap with me, brother.
That's what I'm here for.
Well, I was talked into doing a dance called the bump but my hip slipped, and my- my buttocks came into contact with the buttocks of another young man! I see.
[Lovejoy Narrating.]
Then the calls began.
[Ned.]
Well, l- I think I may be coveting my own wife.
I'm meek, but I could probably stand to be meeker.
l-l-I think I swallowed a toothpick! [Lovejoy Narrating.]
Finally, I just stopped caring.
Luckily, by then it was the '(0s, and no one noticed.
But you can't let a few bad experiences sour you on helping people.
- Oh, sure I can.
- [Ringing.]
- [Groans.]
You handle it.
- Me? Well, l-l-W-Wait.
I can't- l- Mmm.
Hello.
Uh, yeah, hi.
I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy.
Who is this? Oh, well, this is, um, the, uh- the Listen Lady.
Yeah, well, listen, lady.
I got so many problems l-I don't even know where to begin here.
Okay.
Uh, why don't you start from the top? All righty.
Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.
Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe.
You've got lots to live for.
Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been tellin' me.
Wow! You're good.
Thanks.
- [Ringing.]
- [Groans.]
Hi.
It's me again.
I got another problem.
- Uh, this one's about my cat.
- [Cat Yowling.]
Yeah, shut up! I'm asking her! Why would you volunteer at the church? - I don't know.
Guilt? - [Scoffs.]
Volunteering is for suckers.
Do you know that so-called volunteers don't even get paid? Well, I think volunteering is great.
Deep down, it makes you feel- Homer! Will you get that crazy box off the dinner table? - It came from the dump! - But, Marge, I'm obsessed with it.
Where did it come from? What is it a box of? How'd my face get on it? Hey, if they got a picture of you, that means they can see you.
They're probably watching us right now.
That's ridiculous! Nobody is watching us right now.
[Electricity Buzzing.]
Hi, hi, hi.
Bye.
Hi.
Akira, can you read this for me? Ah, yes.
This is a product called Mr.
Sparkle.
Very popular dish detergent.
Hey, he looks like you! [Laughing.]
- What's he saying? - He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs.
He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
- Wow! - Yes.
You have very lucky dishes, Mr.
Simpson.
This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaido renowned for its countless soap factories.
Hokkaido, eh? See, all along, I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen.
Now he's coming over for dinner.
Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like.
No, no, no, no! It's worse than that! I don't even have a wife.
I just said I did to, you know, be a big shot.
Oh.
Well, it's time to start telling the truth.
Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth I cook him a big delicious dinner.
By the time he's done eating, he's too full and tired to care what I have to say.
Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over I'll stuff him till he don't know what's what.
Seymour, I'm getting tired.
Tell them we're going next.
Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother.
And you never will be.
I'd like the phone book for Hokkaido, Japan, please.
Okay, here you go.
- The phone book for Hokkaido, Japan.
- Thank you.
- May I please use your phone? - Is it a local call? Y-Y-Yes.
[Beeping.]
- [Ringing.]
- [Japanese.]
Yes.
This is Homer Simpson from America.
Who may I say is speaking to me? Hello, chief.
Let's talk.
Why not? Uh, hello? Why am I Mr.
Sparkle? - Oh, you like Mr.
Sparkle? - Well, I am Mr.
Sparkle.
Oh, you have many question Mr.
Sparkle.
- I send you premium.
Answer question 100%.
- Hmm! The Lord will hear your lamentations and give solace to your spirit.
- The Lord or Marge Simpson! - [Lenny.]
Amen to that! - Say it, brother! - Hallelujah! Um, could we please not yell out things in the church? - [Bell Tolling.]
- [People Chattering.]
Please, please! One at a time! One at a time! Now, who has the most urgent problem? - I have a recurring dream in which I'm falling.
- Oh, well- Come right this way, Mel.
Tim, hold my calls.
[Disappointed Sigh.]
Mmm.
I'm a shepherd without a flock.
What have I done to lose them? The real question is, what have you done to keep them? [Gasps.]
St.
Eleutherius of Nicomedia! That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
To inspire men, you must be brave.
I introduced Christianity to Mongolia.
It didn't take, but it was worth a try.
Tell us, good Reverend what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men? Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.
I've appeared in over 8,000 visions and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
Oh, now, please.
l- I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.
You, you're just lucky God isn't here.
- [Ringing.]
- Hello.
Listen Lady.
Marge, people say you've got a real knack for solving problems.
Well, this is a little awkward but, um, Tim came home from church so despondent today.
He's just been playing with his trains all afternoon.
We all need a little time to ourselves, Helen.
Just give him a day or two, and I'm sure he'll be back to his old dynamic self! Okay.
Attention, H.
O.
-scale passengers.
The dining car is closed.
Root beer is still available, but the cost is now 6.
50.
If the passengers will look to the right, you will see a sad man.
That is all.
Look! We got a package from the Mr.
Sparkle Company in Japan.
Ooh! [Laughing.]
Hmm? Hmm.
Ow! - It's a videotape.
- Put it in! Put it in! Ahh! Oh.
Hello, American investor.
I see you are interested in distributing Mr.
Sparkle in your home prefecture.
You have chosen wisely.
But, please, don't believe me.
Observe this commercial.
[Whistle.]
[Japanese.]
[Laughing.]
- ## [Chiming.]
- [Giggling.]
Awesome a-power! [Giggling.]
[Lowing.]
- Boring! - That didn't explain anything.
All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo.
- There's no other explanation.
- Wait! Look! [Man.]
Mr.
Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.
Hey, it was all a coincidence.
Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb.
Well, it was a good ride while it lasted.
Come on, kids.
Let's go home.
- We are home.
- That was fast.
You've just got to accept it.
Your Gameboy is gone.
It's at the bottom of the ocean.
Aye, aye.
Aye.
- [Sniffles.]
- [Ringing.]
- Hello.
Listen Lady.
- Uh, I'm in some hot soup here, Marge.
Some teenagers are hanging out in front of the store.
l-I think they could start slacking at any moment.
Well, Ned, you don't have to stand for that.
You just march right up to those youngsters and tell them to vamoose.
Yeah, well, if you're sure that'll help.
Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo and breathe some fumes.
Uh, excuse me, fellas.
l-l-I couldn't help thinking it might be nice if you could, uh, vamoose, you know- [Chuckles.]
if possible.
[Ringing.]
- Hello.
Listen Lady.
- Uh, Marge, I appreciate your advice but things have gotten- well, th-they're, uh, a lot worse.
[Yelling, Laughing.]
Now, Ned, troubled boys need rules and discipline.
They crave it! You just lay down the law! [Stammering.]
Yeah, I know but they're on their minibikes and all! Oh, all right.
Let me talk to them.
Put me on with the lead boy.
Boys, there's a call here for ya.
- [Dial Tone.]
- Hmm.
Oh, well.
[Doorbell Rings.]
- Oh, good morning, Maude.
- Morning, Marge.
Um, did your husband come home last night? - Of course he did.
- Really? Oh.
Because the thing is, um, mine didn't.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God, Ned! - [Yelling And Laughing Continue.]
- [Panting.]
- Yes, Marge? - Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice.
Now he could be in real trouble.
Oh, what happened now? Did he swallow a paper clip? No, he's disappeared.
Oh, I'm in way over my head.
I mean, where do the helpers turn when they need help? ## [Organ.]
- ## [Stops.]
- Huh? Sorry.
- [Ringing.]
- Marge, why don't you let me handle this? Hello.
Church basement.
[Panting.]
Yeah.
It's Ned Flanders.
The teens have been chasing me all night.
- They-They finally stopped to gas up their scooters.
- [Bell Dinging.]
- Ned, where are you? - Well, I can't see the name of the station but the gas costs - Eight-tenths? - Donny's Discount Gas! - Thanks for swinging by the house, Reverend.
- Donny! - What? - Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans? - I see lots of stuff.
- Did you see that? Yes.
[Grunts.]
Looks like we lost him.
Yeah.
Well, we proved our point.
He'll think twice next time he tries to defend his business.
[Yawns.]
I'm sleepy.
Let's go to school.
[Relieved Sigh.]
- They're leaving.
The ordeal is over.
- [Roaring.]
- [Screaming.]
- Ned! - Mr.
Flanders! - Flanders, where are you? - Mr.
Flanders! - Hey, Flanders, it's me! - [Camera Shutter Clicking.]
Hey! Mr.
Sparkaru! Mr.
Sparkaru! - Konnichiwa.
- [Ned Screaming.]
[All Gasp.]
That came from Baboon County, USA! - [Marge Gasps.]
- [Chittering.]
Help! What do I do? - Play dead! - No, run around in circles! - No, act like a lion! - Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned! Knock that monkey down! Jumping kangaroo rats! [Chittering Continues.]
You've got to get him out of there.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Geez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder it's really bad for their society.
- They're gonna kill him? - Eventually.
- First they'll eat his skin.
- [Gasping.]
- Ew! - [Chittering, Growling.]
Tell Maude I want a fancy funeral! Big coffin, lots of jewels! - [Whistle Blowing.]
- [Growling.]
Look, it's Reverend Lovejoy! - Thank heavens! - Entrust your hand to mine, Ned.
[Grunting.]
- Ooh-ooh! - [Chittering Continues.]
[Grunting, Gasping.]
Thank the Lord.
He's truly watching over- - [Screams.]
- [Chittering.]
Say your prayers, you heathen baboons! - [Grunting.]
- [Chittering Continues.]
- [Growling.]
- [Grunts.]
[Yells.]
[Yelling.]
[Groans.]
- Wow! - Oh, those poor monkeys.
- They started it! - Oh! You saved me, Reverend.
You really went above and beyond.
- Thank you.
- Oh, don't thank me.
Thank Marge Simpson.
She taught me that there's more - to being a minister than not caring about people.
- [Laughing.]
Amen! [Baboons Chittering.]
Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right.
The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs.
A pair of the great apes rose up at me, but bif-bam I sent them flying like two hairy footballs.
A third came screaming at me! [Hissing.]
And that's when I got mad.
Now, that's religion! [Continues, Indistinct.]
[Continues, Indistinct.]
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!