All In The Family s08e23 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Oh, it's a good day for movin' along Oh, it's a good day for singin' a song Oh, it's a good day How could anything go wrong? Hi, Arch.
That way.
It was a good day till this guy come in Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, watch your step, buddy, huh? Once false move there, this razor could make you a Jew.
Okay? So step back there and give me a little room here, huh? Now Come here, come here.
Give me that thing, will you? Jeez.
You're more in my way the last two days then you was when you lived here.
Hey, hey, I didn't wanna move back in here.
It was Ma's idea.
Yeah, I know that.
Well, we're leavin' tomorrow, so let's just make the best of this.
Yeah, well, if your last night here, I'm gonna move Joey and his crib back there into your room, see, 'cause if he's in there, then you and her won't keep me awake makin' music with the bed springs.
You know, I don't enjoy living here.
I don't like it sitting downstairs in the living room with you, watching the Three Stooges meet Frankenstein.
Ah, shut up.
Shut up, will ya? You'll never quit makin' fun of the things that I like, or the things that I hold dear.
Let me tell you somethin'.
Them Three Stooges was great entertainment.
They was high comedy.
Them guys was funny.
They weren't funny.
I say they was funny! The hell's the matter with you? You don't think it was funny there when Moe hit Curly on top of his baldy head with an axe? Huh? Huh? You didn't think it was funny when Larry drug Moe all the way across the room like this here? Hey, hey, hey.
Huh? Get it out of there, will ya? What's the matter with you? That was funny, 'cause them was three very witty guys there.
Better than that crapola you was watchin' the other night.
Some crazy guy in Denmark runnin' around the top of a castle in his long drawers, talkin' to a ghost.
Jeez.
That was Hamlet.
I don't give a damn if it was omelet.
It stank.
Jeez.
You know, in the last couple of days you've been tryin' to get close to me there.
That's very strange for a guy who really wants to get the hell away from me! Oh, so that's what's bothering you.
You're upset that we're leaving.
Well, listen, leave, stay, what the hell, I still gotta go to work in the mornin'.
Come on, Arch, admit it, you hate to see us go.
Well, I hate to see Gloria and Joey go.
Yeah, no, no, no, you hate to see me go, too.
Come on, come on, admit it, let it out.
Deep down inside you have some real feelings for me.
Listen, I ain't got no real feelings at all.
Remember that.
Yes, you do.
Arch, come on, you know, deep down inside, you know you love me.
Ah, hey.
Come on, admit it, you love me.
Hey! I love you.
Hey! I love you, Arch.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa! Save that stuff for fruity California.
( knocking ) EDITH: Archie, it's me.
Can I come in? Oh, I don't know, Edith, there's a couple of guys in love in here.
Well, I gotta interrupt you.
I need the ointment.
Joey's got a rash on his little heinie.
Watch the razor, will ya, Edith? Do you want me to start talking to you out of the side of my neck? Did you use up Joey's ointment? Why should I, Edith? Have I got a rash on my little heinie there?! ( knocking ) GLORIA: Hey, hey, can I come in? You come in, she wants in.
Depends on what you wanna do.
I'm kinda desperate, so would you all please hurry? Hey, where's my panty-hose? Oh, panty-hose, is that what that was? Yeah, why? Well, I wiped off the mirror with somethin'.
It's in the hamper, I don't know.
Oh, Daddy.
Excuse me, Michael.
Oh, look at these.
Now I'm gonna have to wash them again.
Look at--Will ya-- Would you look at this? This is worse than the army.
Life's impossible for me around here-- Oh.
Oh, would you please hurry up and get out of here? I gotta go.
Well, whose fault is that? Gloria, have you seen Joey's ointment? I used it all up, Ma.
You can use talcum powder on him.
Oh, yeah.
Look at her hoppin' around on one foot.
Well, wait a minute, I gotta get Joey's ta-- Not now, Ma, please.
Hurry up.
There's a lot of things I need you to pick up for me.
at Ferguson's market.
Oh, Mike, wait till you see what I'm makin' you for your last supper.
Last supper-- Last supper, Edith? Who the hell are the guests gonna be? The twelve apostles, huh? Last dinner.
"Dinner.
" Say that.
I don't care what you call it.
It's the last time we're gonna be together.
Oh, Mike.
Oh, Ma.
Oh! Just don't start cryin' and slobberin', will you? The last thing I need at this moment is a rush of sediment.
( toilet flushes ) Okay.
( Gloria screams ) ARCHIE: It's only me.
EDITH: It's only me.
MIKE: It's only me.
GLORIA: Well, did you see anything? So sweet On the sunny side of the street ( phone rings ) Oh, uh, somebody get that.
My hands is in the turkey! I'll get it, Ma.
Hello? Yeah, this is Michael Stivic.
Don't tie up the line.
( singsong voice ) EDITH: Archie.
It's Archie, it ain't "Archieeeee.
" Here's the shopping list.
See what we got.
Uh, lettuce, apples, pears.
What the hell is "krautons"? That's "croutons.
" What the hell is croutons? You put 'em in the salad.
What do they do in there? They're delicious.
You'll find out.
I don't want no mystery salad, Edith.
Open up a can of grapefruit wedges, and give me that with plenty of sugar, that's all.
All right.
Okay, see you got a nice spread.
Well, all right, I'll be a sport, too.
Come home from a saloon, I'll bring a bottle of champagne.
Maybe I'll even bring home a whole maggot, huh? Oh, Archie! Edith, I gotta keep tellin' ya, don't start things up with me just before I go to work, huh? You're still hangin' up the line there.
MIKE: Yeah, oh, that really sounds great, Professor.
Yeah, we'd love to, and, hey, by the way, Gloria and I are both looking forward to coming out to California.
I mean, we've never been there, and I think Joey's just going to love it, our son.
Yeah, we're all really, really, looking forward to the future.
Here's a little something from out of your past-- ( blows raspberry ) Well, anyway, we'll see you tonight at 7:30 then, right? Yeah, okay, goodbye.
Who was that, honey? Honey, honey, that was Professor Lyman King.
He's the head of my department, and he's in town and wants to see me and he wants to meet you-- Michael, you're spitting.
I know, I can't help it, but he wants to see us both tonight at the Oak room of the Plaza Hotel at 7:30 for dinner! He wants to meet me? Yeah, and he wants to meet me! What'll I wear? How 'bout clothing? What should I do with my hair? Bring it along.
And what about my fingernails? Bring them, too.
Oh, what am I gonna say to him? How 'bout, uh, "How do you like my hair and my fingernails"? Oh, Michael, the Plaza Hotel.
Huh? Oh, but do you think Ma will mind? Why should Ma mind? Well, because she's making that big dinner for us tonight.
Oh, gee, I forgot all about that.
Honey, this is-- It's very important that I meet this guy.
Yeah, and at the Plaza Hotel.
Yeah.
Oh, honey, she'll understand that.
Yeah, she's gotta understand this, right? Yeah, why don't you go on in and tell her, because I gotta phone Trudy and see if I can borrow her fur chubby.
She'll understand, right, honey? Yes.
Yeah, there's no problem, right? No.
No, there's no problem.
No.
There's no problem, right? Right.
( sighs ) There's a problem.
Oh, hi, Mike.
Hi, Ma.
Wow.
Wow, look at all this food that you're preparing just for us tonight.
Yeah.
It looks good.
I bet you went to a lot of trouble, huh? Oh, no, it ain't no trouble, Mike.
I'm glad I got somethin' to do.
It takes my mind off of your going away.
Oh, my.
Uh, I better go talk to Gloria.
Well, I got the coat.
Oh, honey.
Oh, are you all right? I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I deserved it.
Oh, well, I just came in here to say I have figured out what to wear tonight.
Oh, what? I'm gonna wear my beautiful, blue cocktail dress with your pearls, Ma.
Uh, honey, we'd better talk.
You don't have to dress up tonight.
Honey, we'd better talk.
Yes, I do.
Honey, I think we'd better talk.
Well, aren't you gonna dress up, honey? No, he don't have to dress up.
I ain't gonna dress up, and I know Archie ain't-- Well, Ma, you and Daddy don't have to dress up, 'cause you're not goin' to dinner.
That's right, we ain't got no place to go 'cause we're here.
Michael, didn't you tell Ma that you and I are havin' dinner tonight at the Plaza Hotel? No, honey, I--I think you just did.
Uh, I'll see you later.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just, uh, too uncomfortable to stay in the room anymore.
Gee, Ma, I'm sorry about the mix-up.
I thought Michael already told you.
That phone call was from his new boss, and he's in town and he wants to take us out to dinner tonight.
Oh.
To the Plaza Hotel, Ma.
Isn't that great? Well, you been going out so much all week to your goodbye parties, I thought we was gonna have our own goodbye party.
Yeah, but I think having this meeting with the professor is pretty important.
Oh.
I know what we can do.
We can invite the professor here! We got plenty of food.
That way we can kill two birds with one turkey.
I don't think Daddy and the professor should meet.
Gloria, your father ain't stupid, no matter what people say.
( sighs ) Ma, can you imagine this Professor King trading viewpoints with Archie Bunker? I don't think it would be bad.
Ma, it would be like Eric Sevareid trying to talk to Fred Flintstone.
It would be a disaster.
I'm sorry, Ma, but I think we'd better go out.
You don't really mind, do ya? Oh, no, you go ahead.
Yeah, go ahead.
You and Mike go out, yeah.
Archie and me'll stay here and have turkey and string beans and the cranberries are homemade, not in a can, and the broccoli with the hollandaise sauce I made myself, and the apple pie, homemade with sharp cheese on it, and--and two kinds of mashed potatoes and chestnut stuffing-- Oh, and if there's anything left over, I'll take it to the Sunshine Home where they'll appreciate it.
I guess if you're ashamed of your father, you must be ashamed of me, too.
ARCHIE: * Just a gigolo, everywhere I go * People know the part I'm playing Paid for every dance, selling each romance Hey, Edith, I'm home.
Oh, Archie! I got dinner all ready, right on time.
Aw, terrific.
Hey, and look what I got here, huh? Take a look at this.
Oh, my! This is real 1976 imitation vintage there, Edith.
I don't care what the hell you do with this junk, but put Lady Bubbles right on the ice.
Go ahead now.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
How come only two plates here? That's all we need.
Uh, you mean a couple eatin' off each plate here? Like dogs in an Alpo commercial? There's been a change of plans.
Mike and Gloria are eatin' out tonight.
Mike--they're eatin'-- hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Get back here! Get back here! Edith! What the hell's goin' on? Mike's professor is in town.
He's--wait a minute! Get back, Edith! Edith! Edith! Edith, please, more, more! It's important that they have dinner with him.
Well, wait a minute! Wait, wait, wait! Wait a minute! What are you saying to me? It's more important for them to have dinner with him than with their next of skin? That's what Gloria thinks.
That's what--Oh, that's what Gloria thinks.
Well, do you know what I think, Edith? I think that there's a meathead in the woodpile.
Oh, no, no, please, don't talk to 'em, not now, Archie.
They're gettin' dressed.
Don't bother.
Hey, youse two up there.
Come down.
I wanna talk to youse there.
No, Archie, please don't have a fight the last night they're here.
There ain't gonna be no fight.
I'm gonna yell at them, and they're gonna listen to me.
I wanna hear it from their own two mouths that they ain't got no respect for their mother.
Hey, Edith, it's in the Bible there.
Honor thy parents there.
That's one of the Lord's top ten commandments, huh? That's right around covetin' your neighbor's, uh, cattles and wives and asses.
That's gotta be number three, or at least number four.
It's five.
It's still good at five.
Come on down, youse two, I wanna talk to ya.
Archie, come on, sit down and eat your dinner.
I already got mad at Gloria enough for the both of us.
Let me get mad enough for myself, would you? But Gloria and me apologized to each other, and now it's all right with me.
But it ain't all right with me.
Sit down, Archie.
They gotta think of Mike's career.
I mean, they got their whole lives ahead of 'em.
I don't want their whole lives.
I only want 'em here for tonight.
Well, here, I'll find out-- Shh.
Hiya, Daddy.
Hi, Gloria.
I hope you understand why we won't be eatin' with you tonight.
Uh, like I was sayin' there, Edith, the way my old man taught me the ten commandments, see, he said it this way-- "Honor thy father, and thy poor mother, too, "be you Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, or Jew, and if thee don't do that, I'll set fire to thou.
" And so saith the Lord, as he stepped off of the Mayflower.
Arch, can I say something? Not to me, buddy.
No.
Edith, ain't it funny-- ain't funny, huh, the way when children are young and little, you never know that they're gonna grow up to give you the shaft.
Pass the beans, huh, darlin'? Daddy, you're making me feel terrible.
Did I hear a voice, Edith? Yeah, Gloria said that you're makin' her feel terrible.
I done good, huh? Come on, honey, let's go.
Michael, I can't stand this.
Gloria, don't you see what he's trying to do to you? Well, he's already done it.
I can't go now.
What do you mean you can't go? Honey, this is the most important night of my life.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Then you'll have to go by yourself.
Go by mys--I'm not gonna go without you.
But, Michael, I have to stay here with them, so you will have to go by yourself.
All right, all right, you want me to go by myself? Fine.
I'll go by myself.
Goodbye.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going? You told me to go by myself.
Well, I didn't mean it.
You know, Edith, I once read in Emily Post there, that whispering in the far corners of the room is a very low-class thing to do.
No.
Gloria.
Shh! Glori-- Glor--Glori-- Ma, am I still invited to eat dinner with you? Oh, su-- Uh, bless this food to, uh, youse, oh, Lord there, and please forgive parties we don't have to mention for wasting a good dinner like this when there's starvation in the Bronx and Panama.
Am I still invited? Oh, sure, Gloria.
Get yourself a plate.
How about you, Mike? All right.
All right, I'll call up Professor King, and I'll tell him that I'm canceling out on the most important night of my life, and maybe, just maybe, he won't be so insulted that he'll never speak to me again for the rest of my life.
I hope this pleases you, Daddy.
Well, let me tell you, little girl, a sour-puss never afflicts my appetite, you know? It looks good, Ma.
Oh, thank you.
Well, I mean, it ain't exactly the Plaza bill affair there, but I think you'll find it tasty, you know? Your poor mother was in the kitchen all day cookin' herself unconscious.
Oh, I ain't unconscious.
Yes, you are.
Look at yourself.
I'm sorry, Professor, we really can't make it tonight.
No, uh, well, there's a sickness in the family.
Yeah, it's my father-in-law.
No, no, no, it's just that he's not normal.
All right, well, we'll see you out in Santa Barbara.
Yeah, goodbye.
( sighs ) Oh, boy.
( sighs ) Ain't this nice? The whole family together.
Have some turkey, Mike.
I don't want any, Ma.
Oh, how about chestnut stuffing? I'm not hungry.
Oh, come on.
All right, I'll have a little.
You know, Edith, it's terrific how a mountain of food knocks the hell out of sadness.
( crunching loudly ) ( crunches ) You ever notice, Edith, how some people eat celery and make it sound like a gorilla eatin' the bark off of a tree? I ain't mentioning nobody in particular.
I just glance at the party and whistle, you know.
( whistles ) And, Ma, you know how a father gets his daughter to do anything that he wants her to do at any time? He makes her feel like a bad little girl.
He makes her feel guilty.
( crunches ) Edith, you know what makes a bad little girl feel guilty? Nothin' that her dear daddy ever done.
Somethin' that she done herself.
For instance, honorin' an ignorant, "ingrateful," meat-headed husband, instead of her darlin' mother and father! He threw food.
And do you know how to get away from a man who insults you and calls you names and criticizes the way you eat, the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you think, for eight years?! You move out to California as fast as you can! Hold it, hold it, hold it.
I got one more thing to ask Edith.
You gotta listen to this.
Edith, do you know how to get to California as fast as you can? You take the next plane! You don't wait to take a plane tomorrow! Thanks for the suggestion, Arch! Adios, amigo! Come on, Gloria.
Right now we're getting out of here! We are leaving right now! I am not staying in this loony bin one more minute! This loony bin happens to be my father's house.
That's why it's a loony bin! Hey, little girl, there's no sense in trying to talk to a meathead.
And, for once and for all, you stop calling my husband a meathead.
MIKE: Joey, Joey! Archie, Archie, they mean it.
They're really goin' tonight.
They wouldn't stay for the last dinner.
What the hell do I care what they do? Archie, please do something.
Oh, I am certainly gonna do something, Edith.
I'm gonna hold open that front door for them.
No! ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.