Friends s08e23 Episode Script

All right! Yes! From home to the hospital in seven minutes! Yes.
The hard part is truly over.
We're off to a great start, aren't we? I knew I'd get here fast, but this has to be a record! - Oh, you made it! - Hi.
- How the hell did you beat us here? - We took a cab.
Did you walk? No, we took a cab too.
But I did test runs Hey, you made it! Okay, is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital? Ross, you stay here and talk.
I'm gonna go have a baby.
Okay.
Hi, this is Rachel Greene.
I'm Ross Geller.
We called from the car.
We have a semi-private labor room waiting Oh, whoa! I'm sorry.
Semi-private? We asked for a private room.
Yes, I see that here.
We can't guarantee a private room.
- Currently, they're all unavailable.
- Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner.
I'm sorry.
Semi-private rooms are all we have.
Okay.
Just give us a second.
Ross? - Give her some money.
- I really think they're out of rooms.
They're saving them for important people! What if I was the president? We'd be in a lot of trouble.
You don't know where any countries are.
Okay.
Say, would you mind checking again? See if any private rooms may have opened up? This is a hospital.
You know what? I don't really care for your tone.
This is not the only hospital in the city.
We have no problem Oh, gosh! - What, what? - Contraction! Oh! - Like to see a semi-private room? - Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.
The One Where Rachel Has A Baby - Part I mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 You're 2 centimeters dilated.
We need to get to 10.
- It will be a while.
- Oh, okay.
- I'll be back in an hour to check on you.
- Thank you.
- I guess we have some time to kill.
- Yeah, guess so.
Oh, check these out.
Never done this before.
Yeah, well, it looks great.
Thank you very much.
I think we're ready to Hi, I'm Ross.
I'm here to ruin this magical day for you.
Not at all.
Marc Horger.
This is my wife, Julie.
- Hi, Julie.
This is Rachel.
- Oh, hi, Rachel.
- Is this your first? - It is.
Well, little Jamie here is our third.
So if you have any questions, just holler.
- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.
- Let me give you guys some privacy.
- Nonsense.
We're all in this together.
We are gonna share every moment of this with you.
- I think we're gonna have some fun.
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay, I guess.
- Hey, smile! - No.
- I really don't want any Oh, thank you.
Oh, Ross! Here comes another contraction.
Okay, just breathe - Oh, honey, I think I'm having one too! - Oh, my God! - Hey, look at this.
Here you go! - Oh, no! Oh, wow.
Three hours and still no baby.
The miracle of birth sure is a snooze-fest.
- Hey, you wanna see something? - Sure.
What? This will be fun.
Watch me freak out Chandler.
- Honey? - Yeah? Listen, I've been doing some thinking and I don't know whether it's because we're here or Rachel's giving birth but I think we should try to have a baby.
Okay.
What's that now? Okay.
I've been thinking about it too.
I think we're ready.
Are you kidding? You think we're ready to have a baby? Oh, this is fun.
You're ready to have a baby? My boy's all grown up! You said you were ready.
I was screwing with you to get your voice high and weird like mine is now! Yes, but haven't you wanted a kid forever? Okay, just back off, mister! Because I am ready to have a baby.
I just want Joey to be the father.
- What? Are you crazy? - Right there! That's all I wanted! I'm sorry.
The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.
Oh, that's very Really, very, very okay.
Julie's cervix is dilated seven centimeters.
That's about four fingers! - Doctor let me feel it.
- Have you felt Rachel's? - No, I don't - We won't be doing that.
Well, you could feel Rachel's, then feel mine to compare.
- Am I interrupting? - Yes! Thank you! Later.
- You can't leave me with them.
- Sorry.
No, Ross, Ross? Ross? My child has no father! I'm so glad you're here, but it's gonna be a while.
I wish you'd called first.
I'm coming back later with your father.
- I need to talk to you before the birth.
- Okay.
What's up? I brought something that I want to give you.
Assuming, of course, that you want it.
Ma, you're asking me to marry you? Your grandma's engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
- Mom, no.
Come on.
Thank you - Just hear me out No! Okay? We're not getting married because she's pregnant.
Honestly, this isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped.
A child should have a family.
I can't deal with this now.
I'm sorry.
Think about it.
If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.
Give me that.
- Hi, dear.
- Hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
Ross, get in here! She dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I'm not with Rachel.
- Why aren't you with Rachel? - Are you kidding? We're not gonna be together because we're having a baby! It seems you belong together.
I can't deal with this right now.
I have to go have a baby.
Right.
And with who again? He's crazy.
Why doesn't he wanna be with Rachel? I know.
She's like the perfect woman.
I know she turned me down but if she wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and I haven't bummed you guys out like this in a while.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Who's that? - New people.
What happened to the Disgustingtons? They're having their baby.
It's not fair, Ross.
I got here first! After you left, they wheeled her off.
Not before she gave me a nice, juicy shot of little Jamie, crowning away.
Wow.
Sorry.
So how are the new people? Well, they have some unusual pet names for each other.
Including "Evil Bitch" and "Sick Bastard.
" - Oh, gosh, a contraction.
- Yeah? Okay, okay.
Just breathe.
- Are you looking at her? - No! - Don't look at her, you sick bastard! - I swear I wasn't looking at her! She's in labor.
You like that, you sick son of a bitch? I'm just gonna See? It's because you were looking, you fat pervert.
No, no.
I'm sure no one was looking.
Just want some privacy.
You miss your girlfriend? Just ignore them.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- Ross! - What? - He's looking at me.
- Hey! Wanna live to see your baby? Don't you talk to my husband like that, you stupid bastard! Oh, good God! If you want a baby so bad, just go steal it! Since when are you so crazy about babies? I'm not crazy about babies.
I'm crazy about us.
What? We talk about having babies someday, not now but I'm starting to think that we can handle it.
We're good.
We're really good.
We are pretty good.
But nothing has to happen until you're ready.
Well, maybe I'm ready now.
I mean, it's a little scary, but maybe it's right.
It's not right! We're not ready for a kid! - What? - I'm kidding.
This is gonna be fun.
So we're gonna try? I mean, we're trying? We're trying to get pregnant.
I'm not comfortable doing this in front of the babies.
- So when do you want to start trying? - All right, hold on a sec.
- Period math? - Yeah.
Well, we could start trying now.
- Right here? - No, not here.
Maybe here.
We got time to kill.
We're in a building that's full of beds! And it's so clean! Come on, you stupid machine! Come on! - It ate your money? - No.
- I'll see you downstairs then.
- All right.
Hey, I got one! I got one! - Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, up or down? - Oh.
Down, please.
I hate to be a ball-buster, but can I just do it? - Could you press up too? - Sure.
- I feel bad.
I broke my leg once too.
- How did yours happen? It's a long, embarrassing story.
Let's just say, there was a typographical error with a sex manual.
- How about you? - Car accident.
- Idiot on a cell not paying attention? - Yeah.
Me.
Oh, hey, that's me.
Hey, I take it you're just visiting someone.
Well, if you have some time, and you wanna visit someone else Yeah.
I would like that.
- Great.
I'm in room - Wait! What? No! Elevator! No! You gotta press the button.
They're bringing in another woman.
Oh.
Is she pregnant yet? She doesn't need to be.
She'll still have the baby before I do.
- Oh, Ross! Another contraction.
- Oh, okay.
Here, here.
That's it.
- Oh, that sounded like a bad one.
- Yeah, it was.
Mine haven't been so bad.
Oh, here comes one now.
Oh, that was a big one.
Could you help me? The patient I'm looking for has a broken leg.
He's in a wheelchair.
He's early to mid-30s, very attractive.
- I know who you're talking about.
- Great! What room is he in? Sorry.
That information is restricted.
- She's with me.
Dr.
Drake Ramoray.
- Dr.
Drake who? Ramoray.
It's Portuguese.
We need that information.
I'm a doctor.
- At this hospital? - Damn it! We're losing precious time.
You want this man's blood on your head Hands! It is essential that you tell me what room he is staying in.
He's a patient of mine.
- He's in room 816.
- 816.
Thank you.
- And what is his name? - No.
- I think we found a place.
- Okay.
- Wait.
Wanna set the mood a little? - Okay.
- We'll dim the lights.
- Okay.
Or turn them out altogether.
No scented candles.
Okay, here.
There we go.
Okay, okay.
Making me sterile, but okay.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Oh, wait.
Do we have a condom? Oh, right! Yes, 98.
6.
You're gonna be fine.
This is it! - That's him! - Great.
Go get him! Wait a second.
Or maybe you could go in first.
He's not really my type.
Not you.
Dr.
Ramoray.
Ask him questions and see what he's like.
- People tell doctors everything.
- You said he's great.
Guys I meet seem nice at first, then turn out to be big jerks.
- You do attract some stinkers.
- I know.
Dr.
Long, I've been at this for 17 hours.
Three women have had their babies.
Give me good news.
How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine? - Three.
- Just 3? I'm dilated 3! We are moving along slowly.
Don't worry, you're doing great.
- I'll be back soon.
- Thank you.
I'm not waiting.
I'm gonna push this baby out.
I'm doing it.
Three centimeters.
That's gotta be like this, right? - Actually, it's more like this.
- Oh, stupid metric system.
Oh! Oh! Oh! We'll take you straight to the delivery room.
Oh, for the love of God! I'm Dr.
Drake Ramoray.
I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
I've been dealing with Dr.
Wells.
I know.
I'm a neurologist.
To be safe Dr.
Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview.
So he sent me.
Dr.
Wells is a woman! That was a test.
Good response.
- All right.
Full name? - Clifford Burnett.
- Date of birth? - November 16, 1968.
Age? - Can't you figure that out? - I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.
- I'm 33.
- Okay.
- And are you married? - No.
Oh, really? So 33 and single? Would you say you have commitment issues? Are all the questions this personal? Yes.
Well, if you must know, I'm a widower.
- Oh, that's terrible.
I'm really sorry.
- Yeah.
Do you sleep with women and never call them again? - No.
- Excellent.
Excellent.
And finally, are you into any weird stuff, you know, sexually? - No! - Wrong answer.
- What else? What else? - He's 33.
- A widower.
- Oh! He seemed like a standup guy.
And he's not into anything weird sexually.
Enter Pheebs! - This room's available.
- Okay! Wait, listen to me! Since I've been waiting, four women one higher than the centimeters I'm dilated have come and gone with their babies.
I'm next.
My turn.
It's only fair.
If you bring in one more woman who has her baby before me, I will sue you.
Not this hospital.
I'm gonna sue you.
My husband is a lawyer.
- Rach? - You get back on that case, honey! I don't think the next patient is far along.
Okay.
Well, then bring her in.
Oh, my God! I can't believe this! And yet, somehow, it's true.
I mean, this is so great.
We're gonna be baby buddies! Squeeze your legs together, cover the baby's ears.
- Hi, sweetie! - Hi, sweetheart.
This is my husband, Sid.
I don't think you've met him.
I nabbed him at the dermatologist's.
Thank God for adult acne! I can't believe it.
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Really? What did he say? You have to speak loudly, he's almost completely deaf.
- Oh, there you go.
- Of course he is.
Congratulations! I didn't even know you got married.
- Oh, no.
We didn't.
- What? We're just having this baby together, but that's all.
You know? Why? We're just not in that place, you know? But we're very excited about this.
Oh.
Well, then shut me up.
Just tell me how.
Oh, I feel another one coming.
"Previously on" Friends: I've been at this for 17 hours.
- How many centimeters am I dilated? - Three.
Just three? I'm dilated three! - We talk about having babies someday.
- We're gonna try? - Right here? - No, not here.
Maybe here.
Your grandma's engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
- Mom, no.
- This isn't some girl you picked up in a bar and humped.
I take it you're just visiting someone? - Wanna visit someone else? - I would like that.
- That's him.
- Great.
Go get him! Maybe you could go in first.
I'm Dr.
Drake Ramoray.
I have a few routine questions.
Do you sleep with women and never call them again? Oh, my God! Should we tell Rachel there's an empty room right next to hers? We could.
Or we could have sex in it.
Well, let me think about that.
While I remove my pants! Okay, mister! Fertilize me! Does that sound like Janice? If it's not, then there's two of them.
And that would mean it's the end of the world! The One Where Rachel has a Baby - Part II Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I can't believe this is taking so long.
How are you? Not bad.
You know that feeling, trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass? Weirdest thing.
Did I hear? Mother of God, it's true! Chandler Bing! Janice.
Not just Janice.
Janice in labor.
Contracting and everything.
Oh, this should be easy.
I have a very wide pelvis.
You remember, Chandler.
I didn't know you were pregnant.
Who's the unwitting human whose essence you've stolen? It's you.
This is yours.
What? Look how nervous he gets! We haven't slept together in years! That's funny.
Does it hurt? Does the labor hurt? Okay, I have one.
If you had to, which would you eat? A Seeing Eye dog or a talking gorilla? I'd have to say the talking gorilla.
'Cause at least I could explain to him that you're making me eat him.
- Oh.
Somebody went to college.
- Yeah.
Wow.
What is it? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
My foot itches like crazy.
Oh.
I'll get it.
I usually get to know a girl better before I let her spoon me.
Relax.
It's not like we're forking.
Oh, that's five, Ross.
Five women have had five babies and I have had no babies.
Why doesn't she want to come out? I think you made such a nice home for her the last nine months, that she just doesn't want to leave.
Oh, look at you making up crap for me.
- Oh, God.
- Okay.
Okay.
Twenty-one hours.
You're a hero.
Do something! Get me drugs or you light a fire up in there and just smoke it out! I think you're ready to go to the delivery room.
What? Ten centimeters.
You're about to become a mom.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Beat you, sucker! Oh, baby.
Oh, my God! That's the doctor who was in my room before.
Oh.
Okay, Mr.
Percocet.
I'm telling you, the guy from that show was here asking me all these weird questions.
Do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here? Rachel's having her baby! That's him! You know him? Okay.
Okay.
L Okay.
I sent my friend, Joey, in here to find out stuff about you.
If it, you know, if it helps, you came off great.
A lot better than I'm coming off right now.
I don't believe this.
You had him pretend he was a fake doctor? Fake? Excuse me? Hello? - You tried making me think I was crazy? - That was wrong.
I'm so sorry.
It's just that I liked you so much.
Can we just start over? I don't think so.
If I may? You told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? Now, maybe it would help if you knew some personal stuff about her.
She was married to a gay ice dancer.
She gave birth to her brother's triplets.
Her twin sister used to do porn.
- We're trying to dial down the crazy.
- Right.
We don't know each other, so it'd be easy to forget this but there's something between us.
I don't know about you but that doesn't happen to me a lot.
- It doesn't happen to me, either.
- Me, neither! Push.
Push.
We're gonna push for five more seconds.
Five, four Three, two, one! Oh! The next contraction will be in 20 seconds.
- I can't push anymore! - You're doing great.
Oh, God! Twenty seconds, my ass! Here we go.
Okay, keep pushing.
- Come on.
- Push.
Wait.
- I see something.
- What, you do? You do? Oh, my God! - Don't say "Oh, my God!" What?! - What is that? The baby's buttocks.
She's breech.
- I thought she had two heads.
- Oh, God! Will she be okay? - She'll be fine.
- Yeah.
She's in a difficult position, so push hard.
- Okay.
- Go.
Come on.
Go! Go! You'll have to push harder.
- I'm sorry, I can't! I can't! - Yes, you can.
I know you can do this.
I can't do it.
Please, you do it for me! Let's go.
One more time.
One final push.
Ready? One, two, three.
Good.
Keep pushing! Are you okay? You have no idea how much this hurts.
Keep going! Keep going! Here we go! She's upside down, but she's coming! - Oh, God! - Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, she's here.
Oh, she's perfect.
Oh, wow! Oh, she's so tiny.
- Where'd she go? - They're just wrapping her up.
Okay.
Well, be careful with her, she's really tiny.
Here she is.
Oh, thanks for coming out of me.
I know.
Oh.
She's looking at me.
Hi.
I know you.
- Do we have a name yet? - No, not yet.
Fine.
For now we'll just call her Baby Girl Greene.
Oh, no.
Baby Girl Geller-Greene.
Hello, Baby Girl.
- Can we come in? - Oh, come on in.
- Oh, there she is.
- Oh, she's so beautiful.
Here.
Oh, my God.
She's amazing.
Oh, I'm so glad you guys got drunk and had sex.
It's incredible.
I mean, one minute she's inside you and then 47 hours later, here she is.
She looks so real.
You know what I mean.
- Okay, my turn.
My turn.
- Aunt Phoebe.
Oh, baby.
Oh, you're so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head.
I won't.
- Honey, what's the matter? - Nothing.
I just can't stop crying.
The doctor said it's normal, plus you're sleep-deprived.
You guys are all sleep-deprived.
I don't see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet.
Oh, God.
- What's the matter now? - I was reliving it.
Do you know what you're gonna call her yet? Wait, it's not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original.
Actually, we've narrowed it down to two.
And you know what? I love them both.
So just pick one, and that'll be it.
Wow, okay.
Everyone? This is Isabella.
- Hi, Isabella! - Hi.
What? That's not her name.
I'm sorry, she just doesn't feel like an Isabella.
- What was the other one? - Delilah.
Oh, great! At least she sounds like a biblical whore.
So, I guess we're back to Baby Girl.
What will we do? - You'll find a name.
- Easy for you to say.
You know what your kids' names will be.
- You do? - I had them picked out since I was 14.
Oh, no, it's gonna be named after some snack or baked good, isn't it? - Well, tell us, what are they? - Okay.
If it's a boy, it's Daniel.
- And if it's a girl? - I don't want to say.
Oh, stop.
Tell us.
We're not gonna want it.
Okay.
It's Emma.
Emma.
See, I don't want it.
- Take it.
- What? She's clearly an Emma.
Oh, honey, but you love that name.
Yeah.
But I love you more.
Besides, nothing goes with Bing.
So I'm screwed.
Aaron Lipman-Guralnick would like to say hello to his future bride.
Oh.
Wow, he kind of takes your breath away, doesn't he? He's a keeper.
- How are you feeling? - Oh, I'm fine.
I really admire what you're doing.
Just raising her all alone.
I'm not doing it alone.
I have Ross.
Sure.
Now.
But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married? Well, then he gets a divorce.
It's Ross.
I'm telling you.
Listen to Janice.
They all say they're gonna be there, until they start their real family.
- That's never gonna happen with Ross.
- That's what I thought.
I'm lucky if my kid gets to spend a weekend with her father and little Miss New Boobs.
Really? I hate to be the one to say it but, honey, you two are on your own.
Well, that's, you know, that's We've been alone for the last Maybe we won't be alone.
Because lately things have been happening between me and Ross.
And right before I went into labor, we had this kiss.
You know? So it might be the beginning of something.
- Hey, Janice.
- Oh, hi.
Who's this little guy? - Aaron, your future son-in-law.
- Oh, no, no.
- I'm gonna leave you three alone.
- Okay.
Man, you see the kid on that nose? You know what I was thinking about? That kiss before we left the apartment.
That was something, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, it really was.
But we, we gotta be careful.
We You know, we can't let that happen again, you know? Right.
- We don't want to go down that road.
- No.
That's why I brought it up.
- They didn't have any sodas? - Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
I was talking to this nurse.
Completely forgot.
And so it begins.
She in there? Yeah.
She's putting her down now.
That's her.
- Look at Emma.
- I can't decide who she looks like.
Oh, what, are you kidding? She's gorgeous! It's all Rachel.
I'm sorry.
For the last time, why aren't you two together again? No, I know.
Because you're not in that place.
Which would be fine, except you totally are.
It's complicated, okay? You love her, you always have, you have a child together.
There's no right answer.
Look, we've been together.
Then apart.
Then together, then apart.
And now we have a baby.
It's just, if we got together again and it didn't work out? I could never do that to Emma.
I mean, she came into this world thinking everything Now me.
What, do they put something in the water here? It's just, Rachel and I, we're doing really well now.
I know.
If you try to make it more, you might wreck it.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Right.
Or you might get everything you've wanted since you were 15.
Hey.
I saw a woman breastfeeding twins at the same time.
It is like a freak show up here.
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
What is it? Hey? - Really, it's nothing.
I'm - Rach, come on.
What? I've just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.
What are you talking about? What about Ross? Please.
He'll be with his real family.
The twins and little Miss New Boobs.
Okay, how long was I watching that woman? I'm just saying that, you know someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and he's gonna have his own life.
Right? Yeah, I guess so.
I just never thought I'd be raising this baby all by myself.
That's pretty dumb, huh? Hey, you listen to me.
Listen to me.
You are never, ever gonna be alone.
Okay? I promise I won't let that happen.
Joey.
Oh, sweetie, what would I do without you? You don't have to worry about that, okay? Could you grab me my other box of tissues? - They're under Ross' coat.
- Sure.
Oh, my God! Joey? Oh, my God.
Okay.
- That was amazing.
- I know.
Hey, do you realize that we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have started our family.
In nine months we could be here having our own baby.
And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.