M*A*S*H (MASH) s08e23 Episode Script

[ Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Through the roaring traffic's boom and the silence of your lonely room night and day, you are the ones.
Evac bus in the compound.
Don't get up, men.
Welcome to Pierce's Palpation Parlor.
Open sunup to sunup.
Everything from lacerations to lesions.
Foreign lesions a dollar extra.
Get him inside.
Pardon me, soldier.
The shock troops are here.
Well, this is a shock.
- When did this line start using stewardesses? - Scotty here was pretty scared.
I promised I'd hold his hand all the way to the operating room.
Well, we can't let a promise like that be broken, can we? Litter! What have you got there, B.
J.
? Oh.
Hello.
- Whatever's wrong with you, I get dibs on fixing it.
- I'm taking him first.
- Litter! - I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a war like this? Reporting it.
I'm Aggie O'Shea.
The Aggie O'Shea? I always pictured her as a grizzled, war-weary veteran.
She's about as far as you can get from grizzly.
- But I wouldn't mind seeing her bare.
- Typical Pierce.
Look at her body and ignore her accomplishments.
I, for one, am thrilled to have a genuine celebrity around here.
I, for two, will be pleased to introduce her to all the thrilling sights, sounds and sensations to be found in this camp.
- And then we'll leave the Swamp.
- [ Scoffs .]
- Beauty and the boast.
- [ Mock Chuckle .]
Colonel, don't you just love her wonderful sketches? Of course, the colonel's style is very different.
Hers is, uh, stark and graphic, you know? His has more of the quality of ''Draw this dog and win five free lessons.
'' Tread softly, art critic, or I'll be putting you on the canvas.
So I ended up with this unit, sort of getting the footslogger's view of the war.
- It must be awful.
- Not to mention deadly.
Yes, but it's kind of wonderful too.
It's the people.
You get so close.
To these guys, I'm a cross between a mascot and a den mother.
- I have an opening in my den, Mother.
- Pierce! So when they got hit on patrol tonight, I decided to stick with 'em the whole way.
Battalion Aid to here, down to Seoul, and then Tokyo, where I'll file my story.
You know, you're a real hero to a lot of us out here.
Come on.
All I do is sketch a bit and then write what I see.
- You people are the heroes.
- Oh, that's me, all right.
A combination of Douglas, Fairbanks and Junior.
All rolled into one quivering mass.
- [ Laughing .]
- Anyway, Scotty and this gang are very special - and I'd like to find a way to say thanks.
- Well-- - Pierce! - What? I mean it.
I'm very grateful to all of you, and I'd like to send you something from Tokyo.
Anything you like.
What'll it be? Well, okay, but you'll be up all night sticking postage stamps on my geisha girl.
- Try again.
- A good bottle of scotch? Twelve-year-old bottle of scotch for Hawkeye.
- Margaret? - Oh, no, it's not necessary.
Hey, you don't get very much up here, and I've got connections.
- What? - Some nice bath soap? Perfumed soap for Margaret.
Dr.
Winchester? Tokyo has nothing that I want sent to me.
What I want is to be sent to Tokyo.
I'll work on that.
What about you, B.
J.
? Come on.
If you could have anything that your heart desired, what would it be? - A peanut butter sandwich.
- Really? I mean, you must want more than that.
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Well, good night, all.
I need some sleep.
- There's an extra bunk in my tent.
- Thanks.
There's also an extra bunk in my tent if you're not choosy about roommates.
And if you are, uh, Charles and B.
J.
can go someplace else.
- On that note, Hunnicutt, let us say good night.
- I hope you don't mind.
Charles and I would like to be alone.
You devil.
You probably bribed them to leave.
You think you can have your way with me.
Well, you can.
- Unless, of course, you'd prefer my way.
- You're crazy.
Thank you.
I thought you'd never notice.
So, now that you've seen our world-famous Mess Tent, what can I show you next? Margaret's tent.
I think I'd better get some sleep.
That noise you just heard was my crest falling.
But, no matter.
I hereby appoint myself as your personal man Tuesday.
- I always thought it was Friday.
- I don't think I can wait that long.
- Try.
- Listen, listen.
If there's anything you need, want or desire-- especially desire-- you have but to ask.
Really? Oh, there is something that I'm kind of curious about.
What? What? If I don't know the answer, I'll make one up.
Is B.
J.
always so quiet? B.
J.
who? - Am I gonna be okay, Doc? - Hey, are you kidding? When I was under the hood, I put in a racing cam and dual carbs.
- Some hotter plugs might help.
- Hi.
- Good morning.
- Still with us, huh, Aggie? Whither thou goest,Jackson.
Do you mind a backseat driver? Not at all.
See anything you like? Got a number of late models here, all driven by a little old general from Pasadena.
- Looks like you do pretty good body work.
- Open 2 4 hours.
- Free towing.
Call us anytime.
- I will.
I'm sure you're listed in the Yalu Pages.
You started it.
I should know better.
Word games with a writer.
That's like-- - Needling a nurse? - I surrender already.
? Daisy, Daisy give me your answer true ? Oh! Hi! Imagine my surprise at finding you here.
I was just out taking a casual, postoperative spin.
Wanna go for a ride? My father sent me this.
It's a pop-cycle.
No, thank you.
I'm sticking close to watch a doctor at work.
That's what I had in mind-- sticking close, playing doctor.
I know, I know.
How you doing, Scotty? Hi, Aggie.
Boy, am I glad to see you.
This is B.
J.
, the doctor that put you back together - and this is Hawkeye, who, uh, seems to be falling apart.
- Hello.
How you feeling, pal? You look a lot better than the last time I saw you.
Okay, I guess.
My chest feels kind of funny.
Your chest? That's a little far north.
You were hit in the belly.
Well, it doesn't exactly hurt.
It just feels kind of heavy.
- Heavy, huh? - Probably normal postoperative discomfort.
- Nothing for you to worry about.
- Okay.
- Nothing for you to worry about.
- Okay.
If it keeps bothering you, you give us a holler.
We'll see you later.
Hey, Colonel! Sherman Potter-- Excuse me.
Sherman Potter, this is the Aggie O'Shea journalist, artist and heartbreaker.
- Aggie, this is the boss.
- Pleasure to meet you, Colonel.
You have quite a bunch here.
How do, ma'am.
I'm sorry I turned in before I had a chance to meet you last night.
The boys were right.
You sure are a sight for sore eyes.
- I'm flattered.
- You do fine work.
It's about time someone represented the workingman's point of view hereabouts.
Thank you.
That's quite unusual coming from a regular army officer.
- He's not your regular regular army.
- No, he's more of a 39 short.
This place is turning into an artists' colony.
- We've got Aggie and Grandpa Moses here.
- Oh, really, Colonel? Yeah, well, I do kind of paint myself.
I'll say.
We gotta hose him down every other day.
- I'd love to see your work.
- It's no big deal.
Nothing you'll see hanging in the ''Louver.
'' - Do I look like a critic? - Come on, Colonel.
- You can't give a fellow artist the brush.
- Okay, it's a deal.
I'll give you a glimpse, but you've gotta promise not to chortle.
- Scout's honor, not a giggle.
- All right, let's go.
Oh, sure.
The old ''Let me show you my etchings'' ploy.
- [ Chuckles .]
- See you, B.
J.
Oh, don't forget.
You promised me an interview later.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
What are you up to? - Uh, Watkins, the heminephrectomy.
- I'm not talking kidney.
- I'm talking lady.
- So, talk.
Well, she's paying all this attention to you.
She won't even give me a tumble.
- You're frothing at the mouth.
- You betcha I'm frothing.
Now, what are you doing? - Nothing.
- Oh, I get it.
I get it.
She's trying to get to me through you.
Well, it's working.
Sophie, my horse.
I've still got to finish off her hind leg here.
Colonel Potter, these are really very good.
Well, thanks.
It's nice to hear that.
Most folks around here don't know their Picasso from a hole in the ground.
- Who's this cute little guy? - Used to be my clerk.
- He's gone home now.
Fine lad.
- And the discus thrower? Bull thrower, more likely.
Lebanese loony.
We don't know who wears the pants in his family.
Oh, this is wonderful! Well, that's my own thumb.
You know, I bet every artist in history has had this idea.
You're the only one I know who ever did it.
Oh.
This man I recognize.
Kissed my hand when we met.
Tall, very stiff upper lip.
No lip stiffer, no brow higher, and no blood bluer.
- But he's a fine surgeon.
- Why does he look so angry? Does he? I hadn't noticed.
Colonel, I am very impressed.
- These are absolutely wonderful.
- Oh, thanks.
- I'm no Norman Rockwell.
- No need.
We already have one.
Have you ever done a picture of B.
J.
? I've been thinking about doing him, but I'm not too good on teeth.
- Actually, I started with Silly Putty.
- How's that? Did an article about it when it first came out in '49.
Somebody liked it, so I'm a specialty writer.
Florence Chadwick's Channel swim in '50 and I'm a women's writer who also does sketches.
Sugar Ray beats Jake LaMotta, and I'm a sportswriter.
- Who knows nothing about sports, right? - Oh, yeah? Ask me any question.
Come on.
Come on.
Uh, who's Bobby Thomson? I mean, something tough.
Bobby Thomson is the Dick Sisler of'51 .
- He is? - Yes.
The year before Thomson's home run Dick Sisler hit one out of the park on the last day of the season to put the Phillies ahead of the Dodgers and into the World Series.
- You're a regular Red Barber.
- Yeah.
And I'm sitting in the catbird seat.
Anyway, leaving the world of sports, we go off to England.
George VI dies, and I am there for the succession to the throne of 25-year-old Elizabeth II.
Presto.
I'm a foreign affairs expert.
Couple of trips over here, and I'm a war correspondent with Bill Mauldin overtones.
Did-Did I say something wrong? - No.
- Oh.
Good.
Yes.
I, uh-- I'm, uh-- You don't find a lot of women in your line of work.
Yeah.
- A lot of people think it's less than feminine.
- Yeah.
- Am I? - What? No.
God, no.
Oh.
Good.
Tell me about yourself.
Uh, you're married.
- Does it show? - Yes.
And I asked somebody.
Reporter, remember? Uh-huh.
- I like the way you are with the boys in post-op.
- Thank you.
There's a certain gentleness about you in the midst of all this craziness that's very attractive.
And-- May I be direct? Please.
I hate the way you beat around the bush.
Well, you haven't said or done anything that could be remotely considered a pass in spite of all the openings I've given you.
I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted.
- I feel like I'm about three feet over my head.
- Well,just relax and float.
- Aggie, you're really something.
- Oh, let's not lose control.
- [ Chuckles .]
You want direct.
- Yeah.
You are one of the most-- You're an extraordinarily attractive woman, but-- Hold it right there.
Back up one.
Go over that first part again, up to the ''but.
'' You're an extraordinarily attractive woman.
Thank you.
As for the second part, I think I know what ''but'' means, so I'll quit while I'm ahead.
Now, I'd like to leave you with two very important thoughts.
I'm going to be here for another 48 hours and the feeling is very, very mutual.
Sleep well.
I feel almost decadent.
These are the first sheets I've seen in weeks.
Let that be a lesson to you, Aggie.
The next time you do a story on the army, make it the navy.
- Good thinking, Houlihan.
Still, this place is no picnic.
- Well-- The tension, the hours, the anxiety.
- Is it hard for you? - Only the tension, the hours and the anxiety.
- Loneliness? - Don't get me started.
Is there a lot of camaraderie between the doctors and the nurses? - You mean, camaraderie? - Yeah.
Well, we're all adult.
If it's discreet, people can ''camarade'' all they want.
Discreet? You mean like Pierce? ''Let's play doctor on the back of my bike in post-op''? Pierce.
He's a special case.
- Incurable.
- What about Hunnicutt? B.
J.
? B.
J.
? Oh, that's a laugh.
No.
Never.
Well, what about Berkeley? Stanford? Cal Tech? Oh, they're fine institutions, teeming with frontier spirit.
Hold it right there.
Don't move.
You're just what I need to frame this area.
[ Chuckles .]
Of course.
What better way to begin the day than to be recorded for posterity? How's this? - Feel free to join me, Hunnicutt.
- Thanks awfully.
Actually, Major, I wasn't thinking about your posterity.
I was thinking about B.
J.
's.
- Oh.
- Sorry, Charles, you're in my light.
- How's this? - Fine.
Mmm! That is quite good.
The harshness of the cruel hills yet the softness of the tents.
- Thanks.
- Perfect counterpoint for the blandness of Hunnicutt.
I shall be at breakfast.
I'm going to give this to Colonel Potter.
I'm flattered.
I'm also hungry.
Ah.
Going to run away again, eh? Ho, ho.
I didn't run away last night.
You did.
That wasn't running.
That was just falling back to regroup.
You're beginning to fade into the background.
Why don't we move over here? - [ B.
J.
.]
A little pushy, aren't we? - Just relax.
Your hair smells wonderful.
That's cheating.
I washed it last night.
Couldn't sleep for some reason.
- You? - Slept like a rock.
Good morning, Captain.
Ma'am.
It's a wonderful day for, uh-- for-- Klinger, uh, Miss O'Shea is sketching me for Colonel Potter.
Uh-huh.
Sure.
Funny.
She forgot her art stuff.
- It's way over there.
- Well, yeah-- Well, I'll be off to the Mess Tent.
Can I get you something? - I know how artists are always starving.
- No, nothing, thank you.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, Klinger.
? Three little words ? - ? That's all I live for ? - He sings very well.
Will you sketch? Just sketch.
Oh, good.
I'm not late.
Here.
- Hi.
- O'Shea, can you see? Oh, you know, this would be a lot better picture if you went back inside.
Look at this.
Look.
No.
I just want B.
J.
in this one.
Oh, yeah? Oh, I know.
Sure.
- I understand.
Too dazzling, right? - [ Forced Chuckle .]
So, listen, uh, how do you feel today? Terrific.
Why? Well, the big fella was up all night tossing from pillow to post.
Said it was bad booze.
I thought maybe you, uh-- - No, not me.
Slept like a rock.
- Oh, yeah? Good.
Did you check on Scott? Yeah, it was tamponade.
I aspirated him, and they're keeping an eye on him.
- I'll take a look.
- Sounds serious.
Is it? Can be.
These kids never come in here laughing.
You know, there's plenty of room for me right over here.
I wouldn't take that much space.
I could-- I could stand skinny.
I hear the plumber was in.
He took some fluid out of my chest.
- That heaviness is gone now, right? - Yeah.
- I feel pretty good, mostly.
How you doin'? - Fine.
All the nurses can seem to talk about is you and Aggie and how you're-- - You know.
You know.
- Uh-huh.
Huh.
Well, don't you believe everything you hear, pal.
- You mean, you don't like Aggie? - Hey.
Whoa, Scotty.
Of course I like Aggie.
I like her a lot.
I also like Hawkeye, steamed clams and my Aunt Shirley, not necessarily in that order.
She likes you a lot too, Doc.
Hey, I'm supposed to be checking up on you, not the other way around.
Well, I just-- just wanted to be sure you were treating her right, you know? Yeah.
You've got nothing to worry about, pal.
- Hey, Doc? - Mm-hmm? You're out of your mind.
Thanks very much.
- Okay if I come in? - Sure.
- Is that Scotty? - Mm-hmm.
Hawkeye said he stuck a needle into his heart.
Into the sac around the heart to drain it.
He must have had a hard blow to the chest.
There's no visible wound, but there's internal bleeding.
Blood slowly fills the sac, and the heart can't beat properly.
- Kind of strangles.
- What do you do to stop it? Well, if the leak seals itself, nothing.
- Otherwise, I'll have to go in and take care of it.
- How dangerous is that? Anything close to the heart is risky.
But, uh, I've done it before.
He'll be okay.
I'm glad to hear that.
He has a very special doctor.
Aggie, you-- you make me feel wonderful.
But I-- I'm not all that special.
Would you like a second opinion? I don't know if I can handle it.
You are becoming-- - Don't stop now.
- I better.
Close to the heart is risky, remember? I leave tomorrow at 9:00, remember? - How long will you be in Seoul? - How long would you like? Here's how I see it.
You got three possibilities.
A: No chance.
Two: Not yet, but any minute now.
And, last, they've thrown the glasses in the fireplace and waves are crashing on the shore.
Klinger, as the poets would say, ''Hubba hubba.
'' You know, nothing galls me more than people sitting around viciously gossiping about tawdry, backstreet romances, and I'm not in 'em.
You ought to be ashamed.
All that could possibly be going on between them is a little discreet camaraderie.
- Oh, yeah.
- Major! Everyone, please.
It's nobody's business but theirs.
Besides, it's wrong simply to assume that they are pitching woo.
Pitching Woo? Isn't he the Chinese baseball star? - Well, hello.
- Hi.
Don't stop laughing on my account.
Unless, of course, you're laughing on my account.
We were just discussing famous baseball players.
Sure you were.
And whether or not I got to first base? No.
But let me know if you need a pinch hitter.
It's nice to know you find my personal life so entertaining.
B.
J.
, please.
We were only joking.
I wasn't.
It was these adolescents with their locker room humor.
Well, I certainly wouldn't want to spoil anybody's fun, so why don't I just leave.
- Oh.
Hey.
- B.
J.
, it's Private Scott.
Irregular heartbeat, short of breath, poor color.
Damn.
All right, get him prepped, Kellye.
I'll see you in the O.
R.
I'll give you a hand.
Okay.
That kind of help I can use.
Boy, some bunkie you are.
First, you steal her away with that old ''big toe in the sand'' routine.
Then you won't even let anybody kid you about it.
In the first place, bunkie, I didn't steal anybody.
And there's nothing to kid about, because there's nothing going on.
All right, then, what is it? Talk to me.
It's the way I'm beginning to feel about her.
Oh, come on, Beej.
We're big boys.
- You went down this road once before.
- No, Hawk, you don't understand.
This isn't like that.
I'm not just talking about being unfaithful to my wife which hasn't happened with Aggie.
- What is it? - [ Sighs .]
Till Aggie showed up, I was convinced Peg was the only woman in the world for me.
I never met a woman like her.
She's so different, so exciting.
- Uh-oh.
- Hawk, she's all I can think about.
And not just about being in bed with her.
I'm thinking about being with her.
More suction, please.
- All right, that's not too bad at all.
- No, that's not bad.
- Suture.
- Funny thing about a war.
People with absolutely nothing in common get thrown together and they really start caring about each other.
- You wanna knock it off? - Like, uh, Aggie and Scotty.
You think they'd be friends back in the States? Nah.
She'd be dazzling editors at the New York Times and he'd be hanging around the malt shop with Emmy Lou.
You know? Sponge.
Everything you're saying sounds so final.
Ag, you know what I am? I'm a prisoner of war.
What? Every minute of every hour of every day is what it is because of this stupid war.
I work because of the war.
I eat, drink, sleep, dress because of the war.
I found you because of the war.
I don't think that's enough for two people.
I can't go from ''How do you do?'' to ''I love you'' because of the damn war! B.
J.
, for whatever reason, you mean something to me.
We can talk about it.
I don't have to go.
Or I can come back.
That's just it.
Don't you see? You're free.
You can come and go as you please.
- So what? - I can't! Ag, I live in an insane situation here except I have a lifeline.
I'm hooked into a little house in Mill Valley where my wife and daughter live.
That line gives me one tiny element of control in a situation where everything else is beyond my control.
Does this make any sense at all? Yeah.
I'm afraid it does.
Ag, you know what they say here? ''Live for now, for there may be no tomorrow.
'' There's a lot to be said for that.
Not for me.
I've got to live for tomorrow, because for me there's no now.
Okay, Hunnicutt.
Everything you just said just makes me love you all the more.
The feeling is very, very mutual.
Wonderful little lady, that Aggie.
Thought of all of us.
Pierce, I believe this 1 2-year-old rotgut is for you.
I knew she liked me the best.
For Margaret, eau de toilette.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Hey, Margaret, why don't we pool our resources? Let's get drunk and take a shower together.
And for Hunnicutt, all the fixin's for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Oh! The lady wants to stick to the roof of your heart.
Lookee here what I got.
An Aggie O'Shea original.
It's you, Hunnicutt.
What's the lifesaver for? Beats me.