Will and Grace s08e23 Episode Script

Okay.
Answer me this.
If you're in Rome raising this baby with Leo, where am I? I don't know.
Well, you're gonna have to make a decision.
- Grace! - What? Get out here, Warren's been suspended.
Suspended again? What did he do this time? He wrote on the wall of the boys' bathroom, "Hey fellas, for a good time, call Will Truman.
" And what, you're pissed off 'cause no one's called yet? You think that's funny? You think it's funny that he disrespects his father like that? You're not my real dad.
Hey, I gave up the love of my life to be your father.
And I gave up the love of my life so he could be your father.
Thanks, no wonder I'm so happy.
Great, we're having guests over for game night any second, and I don't have time to reglue.
All right, I'm outta here.
- I'm going over to Sandoval's.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Put down that coat.
- Put down that hat.
- Do not open that door.
- Do not walk out that door! - Do not close that door! Are we too hard on him? You're not really gonna wear that, are you? Why, what's the problem with it? All the kids are wearing it.
Yeah, and from what I can see, a bunch of them are in there with you.
- Have another drink.
- Have another doughnut.
- Fag! - Hag! - Screw you.
- You wish.
You couldn't.
Not because I'm gay because you're hideous.
What do you want, time hasn't been nice to any of us.
Hey, kiddles.
Hi, honey.
You-- Oh, I have got to remember to buy Kool-Aid.
Karen, how do you look so fantastic? Oh, honey, come on.
This is just Noxzema and the love of a good man.
Where is your husband? Right behind me.
Sorry we're late.
Honey, you still have a little bit of my lipstick on your mouth.
Do you wanna get it off? Yeah.
I wanna get it off.
I wanna get it off right now.
Who else could use a drink? Come on, bring the game over here.
We're gonna have a situation between Vampira and the Bride of Frankendyke.
Dum-dum-da-dum, Step together step.
Kick ball change, pas de bourré.
And I'm married.
Where did you get married, on the sun? That's funny, do you hear screaming? Oh, no, that's just the buttons on your shirt.
Anyway, ready to meet my husband? Baby, get your cup-sized tushy in here! Hey, what's up? You married Kevin Bacon? Stalked him all the way to the altar.
So, Kevin, how does it feel? You know, something is right, you just know it.
I-I've never had so much clarity in my life.
To love somebody, truly and forever, until God takes us.
Either from old age or erotic asphyxiation.
'Cause you're hanging upside down, you got heels on-- Honey, honey and a scarf's tied around your neck-- What Oh, yeah, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Oharen't we all lucky to have found the one we truly belong with.
The one who doesn't make us feel compromised or unhappy or like we're wasting away choking on misery and regret.
Yeah, yeah, we get it, you're happy, we're not.
Let's play the damn game.
Grace, let's go.
Bacon, keep score.
No, I'm gonna have to skip this round 'cause I had my Kyra Forever tattoo lasered off, and I think it's starting to bleed.
C'mon, c'mon, go, go.
A shirt, a bed, your tummy and chin last summer.
- Things that are tucked.
- Right.
- Uh, nuts, ice - More.
Uh, our souls, our hopes and dreams.
- Things that are crushed.
- Yes.
- Go on.
- I can't go on.
I can't go on either.
Grace, being with you has ruined my life.
What did you just say? Being with you has ruined my life.
Grace, wake up.
What did you say? I don't understand what you're saying.
What? Grace, wake up.
It's okay, it's okay.
You were just having a bad dream.
I was? I mean, you-- you kept saying bacon and huge ass.
It's scary to finally make that connection, isn't it? What was it about? I don't remember.
Who cares, it's just a dream.
Right.
Oh, good, it's still there.
The relationship you have with the chicken is truly remarkable.
I can't wait for the day someone inhales my leg and thigh like that.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Jews and chicken it's real and it's deep.
Hey, you know, I've been thinking about those bad dreams you've been having.
I told you, I don't remember them.
I think it's just stress about having a baby, you know? You're okay, right? I mean, about everything we talked about last week? What? Oh, yeah.
Oh-- It's better I stayed.
I'm glad we're doing this together.
Okay, just go do the laundry 'cause I've been wearing your Calvin Klein boxers for the last three days.
- They're briefs.
- Not anymore.
I'll be back in a minute.
Would you like to hear a song? Yeah, Grace, could you do me a favor? Could you not sing to the baby anymore? Why? Music makes them smarter.
Okay, well if you're gonna sing, have a glass of wine 'cause he--he's gonna want to be drunk for this.
You like my singing, right? I believe the children are our future-- Guess what? Kicking turns up the volume.
Teach them well and let-- I am not getting up again! Put the laundry down and open it yourself.
Hello, Grace.
Leo.
Oh, you-- You're with a chicken, I'll go.
No! What are you doing here? I thought you were in Rome.
I was in Rome, but I came back because there was something I needed to say.
There's something I need to say to you too.
Grace, let me--let me just get this out first.
Um, I was having lunch in the piazza the other day, and I look up from my soppressata panini-- that's Italian for bologna sandwich-- and, I see this really old couple holding hands and kissing.
And, I mean, they were-- they were really going at it, you know, like in a way that you really don't ever want to see anybody kiss.
And, um it--it-- it was just gross.
And, uh, all I could think of was, umwas you.
That--that is so not what I wanted that to sound like, um-- Grace, you told me to move on, and--and I tried.
I tried, but I can't.
And, um I guess, um I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want that old couple to be us, you know? I-I want to be gross with you.
I can be gross.
People tell me I'm gross all the time.
Grace, I--I love you.
I want to be with you forever.
I want to marry you again.
I want to have babies.
I, um-- I'm getting ahead of myself, I know.
Not really.
Oh, my God It-- Isis? Oh, my God.
You know, Ben, today is my birthday.
Can you say, "My daddy is 25"? No? Okay.
If you think I look 25, eat a Cheerio.
Hey.
Happy Birthday.
I think I know what that is.
I've been hinting at it all week.
It's crocodile loafers from Gucci! Damn it.
Oh, no, oh, no, Vince, wait.
Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll love it.
Of course it's loafers.
What do you think, I'm an idiot? We wear the same size.
Hi, who's my big boy? He's looking more like you every day.
Really? I don't know.
Sometimes I see me, and sometimes I just see the sad girl who sold her eggs for rent money.
Anybody else call to say happy birthday while I was out with the baby? Grace didn't call, Will.
She didn't call last year.
She's not calling this year.
You wanna talk to her, you gotta make the first move.
Why should I? She--she's the one who-- All right, listen, what's the one thing you always said about you and Grace? I don't know.
That we could reenact Grease in 17 minutes? What are you talking about? There's no way you could do Sandy's transformation from good girl to slut that quick.
Look, you always said fate brought you together, fate was gonna keep you together.
Ready, one two three Okay, Daddy, don't get mad-- There you go! Ho, ho, ho Don't get mad, but, uh, somebody spilt-- Thank you.
some baby oil inside your briefcase.
Well, how could I be mad at somebody I love so much, huh? Good, 'cause it was me.
And you blame it on Lila? I'm starting to think she's not the midnight farter.
You know, maybe we should go upstairs and change the sheets 'cause somebody peed in our bed last night.
Or did she? Yes, and I already changed them.
Ready to go to the zoo? Let's go! Isn't there a phone call you should make first, Grace? Leo, are you going to do this every year? Give him a call, it's his birthday.
Come on, he's your best friend.
No.
No, no, he's not my best friend.
My best friend would've returned my calls when I left 100 messages begging for forgiveness.
My best friend would've put aside his anger and showed up for the birth of my daughter.
That's what my best friend would've done.
So, let's put it all aside, and let's go to the zoo.
Hey, who put the half-eaten chicken leg in my pocket? Give your daughter a break.
It's deep and it's real.
Hey, Jackie.
Hey, Kare.
What's the story, drunken whorey? Well, we need to do something to get Will and Grace back together.
Honey, it's been almost two years.
But why does it always fall on us to help those two? I know, poodle.
You know, sometimes it seems like our sole purpose in life is just to serve Will and Grace.
Right.
It's like all people see when they look at us are the supporting players on the Will and Grace show.
So, how to get Will and Grace in the same room Jackie, wait a minute.
I just had an even better idea! What? Well, honey, I can't tell you over the phone.
Oh, of course.
Jack? Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
Look, I want you to know I am there for you because I-I love you, buddy, and--and God knows I owe you so much.
I mean, you were the one that helped me come out.
You know, so anything I can do-- Back off, fruitcake.
Sorry, I thought you were my friend.
Well, I'm not, pickle biter.
Leviticus 20:13 says if a man lies with another man as he does with a woman, he's an abomination-- All right, shut up! It's obviously been a mistake.
I don't know why they sent me in here.
- Karen.
- Grace.
Will.
If you're looking for Jack, that's not him.
Jack? I thought it was Karen.
Jack told me that she was-- No, no, Karen told me that Jack was-- We just fell for the dumbest version of Parent Trap ever.
God, I, um I don't know what to say.
Happy birthday? Thank you.
I don't suppose you have time for a piece of cafeteria cake? Sure, I could do that.
Remember, the Lord said that blood will be upon all the homosexuals, and they will surely feel the-- Call me? Honey, you know what I love about our plan to pay off a nurse to direct Will and Grace to the hospital room of a total stranger in a full-body cast whose face is covered in bandages, each one of them thinking it's one of us in that bed with our bones broken? What? The simplicity.
We have so much to celebrate, Kare.
Will and Grace are making up as we speak, you got a huge divorce settlement.
Hey! Let's get a dessert! Nothing too filling something small and fruity with ladyfingers.
Well, well, well.
Karen Walker, in the flesh.
Whose flesh is unclear.
Why, Beverley Leslie.
What are you doing later tonight, honey? I'm having a few friends over for a game of Monopoly and I'm missing one of the pieces.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Walker.
There's a question about your credit card.
Can I speak to you privately for a moment? My credit card? Oh That's probably just Marlo Thomas getting me back for the time that I made Driver poop in her kitty litter box.
Excuse me a moment.
Yeah.
Nice seeing you again.
I'm sure you have places to go.
A magic ring to protect.
You may or may not know this, but my business associate Benji and I have come to a parting of the ways.
And I thought you two would last forever.
You were definitely the most stable in-the-closet, short-tall, black-white, young-old, disgusting-hot couple I know.
The point is, I'm looking for a new business associate.
Maybe you might be interested.
Uh, no, thanks.
And I think your car is here.
You think about it, and remember I've got millions.
Come on, Karen, let's go.
It's over, Jackie.
It's all gone.
What is? What are you talking about? I just got off the phone with my accountant.
Turns out, everything Stan had was borrowed.
So, my divorce settlement is worthless.
Honey, I'm broke.
Oh, Will, Ben is so adorable.
I can't wait to meet him.
He's clearly Will's child.
Fat, bald, and clinging to Vince like it's the only man who'll ever love him.
Oh, he is a little pudge ball.
Lila was so skinny her whole first year.
- What'd you feed her? - The boob.
Portion control.
Smart.
Would you look at us? Will's mean, Grace is flat-chested Jackie's pretending like he's following this.
And I'm high from something I found under the sink in your bathroom.
The gang is back.
It's like nothing changed.
Well, not everything's the same.
Karen here has lost her-- Virginity.
Jackie, I don't want to talk about my money problems tonight.
You know who Lila looked exactly like when she was born? My mother right after she gets out of the sauna.
I can't believe you haven't met her.
I would have loved to, but, you know, you kinda went to live in Rome for a year, so-- Will, you know that I wanted you to be a part of Lila's life.
You could have come at any time.
Oh, right.
I'm just supposed to drop everything and fly to Rome to meet your baby? Well, you did drop everything to fly to London to see Billy Elliot.
Billy Elliot lived up to its promise.
And we're back.
God.
God forbid that you should let go of your anger.
Hey, I had reason to be angry.
You never gave me a chance to explain-- - Nothing you would have said-- - Well, then, what's the point? Hey, I gave up everything for you! I know! Look.
I had the chance to be with the love of my life and I took it.
And I am-- I am glad I did.
I mean, just think what would have happened if I hadn't.
We would still be in this apartment.
You would end up bald with some horrible toupee.
I'd have a giant ass packed into a red track suit.
Karen would be frenching Rosie.
And Jack would be married to Kevin Bacon.
That is oddly specific.
I am so sorry I hurt you, Will.
But I'd be lying if I said I regret what happened.
And I don't think you do, either.
If you could go back and change things, I don't believe that you would.
God, you're right.
Grace, I don't want to fight with you anymore.
I don't, either.
I just want us to be us again.
I do, too.
Do you find them exhausting? I always have.
Ooh! Hey, I have a funny story to lighten the mood.
It's totally unrelated to your situation.
I wish there was something I could do to help you with your money problems.
Anyway, guess who offered to share their entire fortune with me? Beverley Leslie.
You and Beverley Leslie I think we've actually found someone you're too butch for.
Anyway, isn't that funny, Kare? Beverley wants me so bad he's willing to give me all his money.
I can't What? I think it's time for us to go.
Jack has told his hilarious story and you're out of vodka.
There's a bottle right there.
Nope, empty.
Jackie, let's go! Do you find them exhausting? Always have.
Isn't that funny that Beverley would proposition me like that? I mean, why on earth would I ever take him up on it, no matter how much money he offered me? Karen, you accidentally hit the stop button with your shoe.
And you accidentally smashed my face into the wall.
Now you listen to me, you sissified little hippity-hop! I've got nothing and that miniature pony offered you all his money just to take a few rides on him and you said no? But I don't like him.
- Since when is that a problem? - Well played.
I can't do it.
Oh, you'll do it.
You'll do it the same way any other self-respecting woman does.
Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus, and think of handbags.
Oh, my God.
What? I didn't even go in there.
You're washing dishes.
And you're using a sponge instead of your tongue.
I-- I don't think I've ever seen you do that before.
Well, I guess when you're a mom, you learn to do things like that.
You're probably just gonna rewash them when I leave anyway.
No, I won't.
The kitchen's kinda Vince's domain now.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I'm impressed.
- Yeah, me too.
- I think we've grown.
- I think we have.
So, did you like the risotto? Did I tell you we're having-- Oh, I'm sorry-- I thought you were allergic-- - Oh-- Oh, you-- - You would-- Oh.
We're a little rusty.
Yeah.
Well, you know, it's been a couple Yeah.
You know what this Let's go to a movie.
How about tomorrow night? Thursday's are bad 'cause Leo's on call.
How about Friday? Yes.
No-- No, we, um-- We bought a little cabin in the Berkshires.
And we drive up every Friday afternoon.
Yeah.
Okay, um, how about, uh, Memorial Day? No.
We're in Flushing with my in-laws.
Okay.
Um, you know what? We'll just call each other.
We'll figure it out.
Of course we will.
Okay.
- I'm not worried.
- Me, neither.
- Well, yeah, we should - Okay.
Gracie, it was so good to see you.
It was.
Really, justit was.
What, you don't-- You don't like the changes that we made? No, no, it's not that.
It's just I just don't live here anymore.
Bye, Will.
Bye, Grace.
Oh, this is so much fun! I love when we play Baby Beverley.
Yeah Oops, baby go boom.
Now you stop being such a tease.
It is time for us to consummate this union.
I'm going to go put in a "Magnum P.
I.
" rerun to get in the mood.
But before I leave, how about a kiss? All right, close your eyes.
Hey, honey.
What's up? Oh, nothing.
I'm not desperately trying to get hobbit germs off my kissing hand, if that's what you're thinking.
So what brings you by? You need a little more cash? Maybe.
But first, could you settle a bet for me? Nosy Rosie over here said that you may not be happy in your current situation with Beverley.
- I'm so glad you brought that up.
- Good, honey.
Now tell her that you're just really happy that you can take care of me the same way that I took care of you for all those years.
He does look happy.
He has the same smile on his face that I had when you fit me with that electric shock collar.
Go wait in the car.
Well, Jackie Is it true? Are you unhappy? Well, I don't know, Karen.
I mean, can you be happy sharing a bed with a man who douses himself in lavender and insists on being your eye pillow? Or makes you wear a prairie skirt whenever he wants to play General Store and Sundries? Or won't let you open the terrace doors to let you scream because he's afraid a gust of wind will blow him off the balcony? Sounds good to me, honey.
Yeah, great.
So listen-- Could I get my weekly allowance from you? I know you gave me $100,000 this morning, but it goes quick at the $99,000 store.
I'm horny! I can't let you do it, Jackie.
Oh, it's okay.
Like you said, if you could do it with Stan, I can deal with Beverley.
It's exactly the same situation if you turn your binoculars around.
No, it's not the same, Jackie.
I loved Stanley.
Honey, I can't ask you to do this with somebody that you don't love.
Thank you, Karen.
But what am I going to tell Beverley after he just made me the sole beneficiary of his vast fortune? I know--I'll leave him a note on his booster seat.
Jack? Are you hiding? You naughty boy.
You're not out there on the balcony, are you? You know I'm frightened to go out there.
Well maybe it's not that windy.
Whoo! It's a little blustery.
Well, well-- Weeeellllll! Oh, look at this.
Teri Hatcher buys her own produce.
That's normal.
Well, look at this.
Nicole Richie sleeps in a wire basket.
That's not normal.
Hey, where are you? Oh, um I was just thinking about what you said the other day.
About Grace and I always saying we were destined to meet.
It's weird, you know.
We always felt like there was something bigger going on.
Fate brought us together and fate was gonna keep us together.
I even remember back in college Will saying, "It's destiny.
" And I totally agreed.
Of course, I was trying to get laid.
Aren't you supposed to cover my ears when you say something like that? We're just, you know-- We just just really clicked.
And we knew it the minute we met that first day at orientation.
Our rooms were right across the hall from each other.
And I swear, we were never apart.
But now I think it's over.
It just feels like a closed chapter.
It's strange that I would even think that way.
You know? Destiny? There's no destiny.
People come into your life randomly.
And they leave randomly.
You can't force it.
That's just how things happen.
Destiny is just something for young people to believe in.
Is that true, Lila? You believe in destiny, Ben? - Hi.
- Hi.
This is a Tempur-Pedic pillow.
I have a neck thing.
This is abox of bras.
I have boobs.
They're not much, but they're mine.
- Well Bye.
- Bye.
I was just, um-- I know what you were doing and it's a little embarrassing for ya? Why is it embarrassing for me? 'Cause I caught you poking your head out to get another look at me.
I wasn't trying to get another look at you.
Oh.
'Cause that's what I was doing.
Yeah, I was too.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Ben.
- I'm Lila.
You wanna get a cup of coffee or something? Oh, well, my mom's gonna be back any second with some stuff for my room.
Yeah, so is my dad.
We leave now, we can miss 'em.
Let's go.
Come on, Ben.
Hurry up.
This is heavy.
Lila? Open the door.
It's your mother.
- Is that you? - Is that you? I think so.
- Don't turn around.
- Why not? Do you have your hair? I do, thank God.
Have you had anything lifted? - I haven't.
- Why not? I knew you were gonna say that.
Count of three.
Onetwothree.
You look good.
Thank you.
You don't look anything like your mother.
Oh, thank you.
This is so weird.
Our kids going to the same school.
And across the hall, like-- I--I know.
Wanna go get a piece of cafeteria cake? Oh, uh, Lila's expecting me any minute.
Yeah, so is Ben.
If we go now, we can miss 'em.
Let's go.
You look good.
Did you get a little touch-up today? Did they tighten around your-- Oh, yeah.
And did they smooth out your-- Went in through the ear.
Oh, she's up.
I'll go get her.
She might wanna eat! Oh, are we hungry? Does somebody need something to eat? I just broke my ankle, you douche bag.
I'm not an infant.
Somebody cwanky.
Maybe she woke up from her nap too soon.
Why don't you go pick out a book.
Maybe I can teach ya a few words of English tonight, huh? Suck it, bitch.
No idea what she just said.
She's aging so gracefully.
- Jack? - Yeah? What do you wanna do tonight? Oh, I don't know.
Stay in? Oh, that sounds nice.
- Jack? - Yeah? How long have we been living together? Uh, about 20 years.
Why? Isn't it funny how we've been with each other longer than we were with any of our husbands or boyfriends? I guess it is.
I never thought about it before.
- Jack? - Yeah? I think I feel a song coming on.
Then a song we shall have.
And might I say your knockers are looking particularly full tonight.
And might I say you have the balls of a 30-year-old.
Unforgettable That's what you are.
Unforgettable Though near or far Like a song of love That clings to me How the thought of you Does things to me Never before Honey, has someone been more Unforgettable In every way And forever more That's how you'll stay That's why, darling It's incredible That someone Sounforgettable Thinks that I am Unforgettabletoo.
- What are you doing? - Watching TV.
Me, too.
I'm so glad George Clooney came back to "ER.
" And I'm having second thoughts about the dress.
My dress or Lila's wedding dress? Yours.
I'm not crazy about the trim.
Will, you never were.
I still can't believe our kids are getting married.
I can.
I'm paying for it.
You know, for me, that's the most special part about this whole experience.
Hey, Vince is working.
What--what are you doing? You wanna meet for a drink? Yeah.
Leo's working, too.
Where? Let's go to that bar where they made us kiss that time when they thought we were married.
Why, you gonna try something? If you play your cards right.
Call Jack and Karen.
Tell them to meet us there.
I will.
Don't wear the gold coat.
First of all, I'm not.
And second of all, I wouldn't listen even if I were.
On three? - One, two-- - Wait.
Uh, why'd you stop me? I was gonna say, "Three, four, slam it, whore.
" Come on, the glass is clean.
No.
I was gonn a propose a toast to family.
Family that loves you and accepts you for exactly who you are.
- Boring.
- Too real.
You know what's funny.
We haven't changed a bit.
It's kinda nice, isn't it?