Bewitched (1964) s08e26 Episode Script
The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me Sam
Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery, inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[.]
DARRIN: Sam? Out here.
What are you doing? Uh, potting.
I, uh I thought you were gonna sleep late this morning.
Yeah, but I find it hard to sleep in a half-empty bed.
Oh, heh.
Well, I had these pots on my mind Oh, I must look a mess.
Yeah, but what a beautiful mess.
Let's see, now.
There's a nice clean spot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let me wash up.
I'll fix you some breakfast.
I haven't got time for breakfast.
I have an 11:00 appointment.
Then I have to stop off and pick up a special surprise I found for you.
What's the occasion? It's an everyday occasion.
I love you.
ENDORA: Stop.
I'm getting nauseous.
Up here, my darlings.
Endora, must you show up without any warning? Like the flu? Durwood, you are very ignorable.
Let's keep it that way.
Mo Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Sweetheart, don't forget that Larry and the Franklins are coming over for dinner tonight.
No, no.
I'll be home early.
I still say you're a beautiful mess.
[LAUGHS.]
The bologna in this place could supply a delicatessen for a year.
Mother, if you don't like it, why don't you go someplace where the eavesdropping is better? The way you lap up that syrup, my darling, it's pathetic.
Why shouldn't I? Because he's a mortal.
And because when your average mortal starts bringing home presents to his wife, and there's no occasion, believe me, there's been an occasion.
You have a very suspicious mind.
Oh-ho-ho! Your naiveté is sick-making.
Or are you living on fabrications just as they do? No, I'm not.
Darrin is not your average mortal.
He doesn't tell lies.
Nonsense, they're all the same.
Every one of them, including your precious Durwood.
Why, I wager Yes? I just remembered something urgent I have to do.
I won't be long.
Well, take your time.
Oh.
Love is blind.
Oh, well.
[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
[.]
Good morning, Betty.
Good morning, Mr.
Stephens.
Oh, Betty, I wanna show you a little gift I bought for Mrs.
Stephens.
Oh, what's the occasion? Oh, no occasion.
Just like that? Aren't you sweet.
She happens to be crazy about unicorns.
Unicorns? Right.
It's her favorite animal.
Unicorns? Um, a mythical favorite.
Anyway, I found this in an antique store, and I can't wait to give it to her.
Upon that unicorn I put my spell.
Approach it And the truth you'll tell.
Step back And once again you'll speak.
Those lies so dear To mortals weak I wish my boyfriend were like you.
Especially I wish he were married like you, to me.
Do you know how long we've been engaged? Eight years.
It's a disgrace.
Oh, it's lovely.
Hm.
Eight years, huh? Has your boyfriend ever seen you in that dress? I beg your pardon.
Yes, sir.
That's some tight dress, is what it is.
Uh I-I'm sorry if I'm wearing something that's inappropriate.
Inappropriate? No, no, uh, not at all.
It's a charming dress, Betty, and I have no right to be so personal.
[.]
I don't mind your being personal, Mr.
Stephens.
To tell the truth, I wore this dress especially for you.
I hoped it'd get to you.
It's two sizes too small, and I thought it would be nice if you noticed I was a woman, just once.
Mr.
Stephens, I I was only kidding, really.
I don't know what made me say that.
Yeah, well, that makes us even.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Mr.
Stephens' office.
Yes, sir, I'll I'll ask him.
It's Mr.
Tate.
He wants to know if you've come up with anything on the Cora May Sportswear account.
Yes, I've come up with a beautiful case of indigestion.
Uh, hi, Larry.
The answer is no, I haven't come up with a thing.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hear me out.
In view of the fact that you gave everybody else in the office a chance at losing that account before you gave it to me, and considering the fact that I've been on the account for exactly 24 hours, I think you've got a lot of nerve expecting me to perform miracles.
Yes? Oh, good.
[PHONE CLICKS.]
I can tell you this to your face.
You spent a year running the Cora May account into the ground, and And And, uh, uh, no one in my time or memory has ever put up a more valiant struggle to save a sinking ship.
Is this some kind of a joke? Oh, I knew I could rely on your sense of humor, Larry.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's a pretty dumb joke, if you ask me.
Yeah, I guess it was.
What's bugging you this morning? I gave you the sportswear account because I thought it would be a challenge.
[MAGIC DINGS.]
And I wanted no part of it.
She's a miserable lady.
I hate doing business with women, anyway.
It's a marginal product, and I have no intention of knocking myself out.
Besides, I'm king of the hill in this agency.
That's the way things are.
Right, Larry.
Sure.
I hope you'll be in a better mood tonight.
Oh, don't worry, I'll be a good boy.
Good.
[MAGIC DINGS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
I didn't really mean all that stuff about the king of the hill.
It's just that, if anyone can land that account, you can.
See you tonight.
I'll, uh, be looking forward to it.
[.]
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Big shot.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'm coming, I'm coming.
How do you do, madam? Do you believe in magic? Probably not.
But I'm sure you'll agree that anything that makes housecleaning a pleasure has to be magic.
Well, I'm terribly sorry, but Think of what you can do with the time you save.
I tell you, the Mindmaster Vacuum Cleaner is sweeping the country.
"Sweeping the country," get it? [LAUGHING.]
I get it.
Just a minute, buddy.
I was here first.
It's my husband.
Oh, how do you do, sir? I was just telling the little lady what a great little [MAGIC NOISE.]
What a dog this vacuum cleaner is.
I mean, that's what I should have been telling her.
I take it you're not interested.
Sorry.
Well, you can't win 'em all.
With this dud, I can't seem to win any of them.
What got into him? Can't imagine.
Well, I suppose there comes a time when a man just can't hack it anymore.
What kind of a kiss do you call that? A cautious kiss.
I didn't feel like getting a roller in my eye.
Oh, sweetheart, I I'm sorry.
I just finished putting up my hair, when that pest arrived.
Do you mind? Of course I do.
All men do.
If women just realized how ridiculous and unfeminine they looked with all that hardware in their hair You want me to look pretty, don't you? Well, look at it this way.
How would you feel if I came tripping down the stairs, with shaving cream all over my face, and offered you my forehead to kiss? Darrin.
Well, I wouldn't be at my most attractive, would I? Well, no, you're not right now.
I think his honesty is very refreshing.
Thank you.
If the sight of me is so distressing, I'll just go back upstairs.
Sam.
Endora, there are lots of things I don't need right now, and you're on the top of the list.
[LAUGHS.]
SAM: Mother, dear? Hm? You still find his honesty refreshing? Mm-hm.
Oh, sweetheart, here's that surprise I told you about this morning.
Oh.
[GASPS.]
Oh, Darrin, it's beautiful.
Mother, look.
Oh, isn't it lovely? Who picked it out for you, Durwood? Oh, oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's see, it isn't your birthday, it isn't your anniversary.
So there's only one explanation.
Durwood has a guilty conscience.
Oh, Mother.
Stop being yourself.
That's like asking Niagara to fall up.
All right, all right.
Mother, bye-bye.
Earlier, I couldn't help but overhear that you were having a little, uh, dinner party? So why don't you two run up and get dressed? I hope you have a lovely evening.
Thank you, Mother.
ENDORA: Don't worry about your mother.
I'll find something to eat, someplace.
Okay, fine.
Darrin, don't make Mother angry.
She's very difficult when she gets angry.
Since when does she have to be angry to be difficult? You're right, Durweed.
I don't have to be angry to be difficult.
But it helps.
Oh, Darrin, when are you going to learn that Mother knows best? Hm? And what Mother knows best is how to be difficult.
Well, so far so good.
It's possible that your mother has come to understand that you cannot mix in-laws with business dinners.
Mm-hm.
It's possible.
It's also possible that it don't rain in Indianapolis in the summertime.
Sam.
Well You talk about women's lib.
Why, to me, it's laughable.
Any woman worth her salt can make it if she has the will and the talent.
Why, I started my own company at the age of 25.
Is that right? My, that's really impressive.
Ha, ha.
You must be very proud of you wife, Mr.
Franklin.
Hm? Oh, yes, indeed.
She's quite, eh, remarkable.
Thank you, dear.
You're slouching.
Oh, speaking of business, I think you should know that we at McMann & Tate consider Stephens to be our number-one creative talent.
Tate, don't you think you're being a little outré? I am? Where? I mean, if we're going to discuss business, wouldn't it be more civilized to wait till we've had a drink? DARRIN: Well, here are the drinks.
Good, ha, ha, ha.
Now we can discuss business.
[LAUGHTER.]
Here you are, Larry.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Darrin, do you know what Cora May was telling me? What? She started her own company when she was only 25.
Really? Well, that makes it a very young company.
Oh, ho, ho! I see your plan, you old fox.
You've assigned the charmer on your staff to my account, haven't you? Ha, ha, ha, ha! Don't you try to con me with flattery, because you'll be wasting your time.
I am interested in one thing and one thing only, and that is results.
Right, Walter? Right, made 25 years of age.
Isn't that remarkable? You haven't even been listening.
Yes, I have, dear.
What did you say? I s Here we are.
She comes in beauty Like the night.
Bearing tidbits From Olympian heights [ALL LAUGH.]
My goodness.
You better save your poetry until you've tasted those.
Speaking of poetry, I had a great idea today for a slogan for my dress line.
I'll give it to you gentlemen, for nothing.
Great, Cora May.
Let's hear it.
Ready? Heh-heh! Walter.
Whatever you say, dear.
Well, I haven't said anything yet.
Oh, what's the slogan, Mrs.
Franklin? Well, it goes like this.
Confucius say, "Don't be messy-messy, buy a Cora May dressy-wessy.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh, that's cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
That's great, Cora May.
We'd never have thought of it.
Darrin, make a note of that.
We'd better discuss it at the meeting tomorrow.
DARRIN: Oh, I don't have to make a note of that, because I couldn't possibly forget it.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
But, in truth, I must admit, it's very forgettable.
What was that you said? Well, I mean, "messy-messy," "dressy-wessy.
" Heh, heh.
You were kidding, weren't you? Darrin, you must admit, it's pretty catchy.
Oh, re Relax, Larry.
I know the Cora May account is a pet of yours.
That's the reason you should be truthful.
That's right, Darrin.
Cora May's account is very important to me.
Let's not forget it.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Let's also not forget if anybody laughs at my pet accounts, it's going to be me.
"Dressy-wessy.
" Oh, boy.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Larry.
Darrin.
Hey, now, come on, stop clowning around.
Mrs.
Franklin's apt to take you seriously.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Stop teasing Mrs.
Franklin.
They always do this with a new account.
It's sort of a little game they play.
They must lose quite a few accounts that way.
Uh.
Rarely, rarely.
They're very careful to do it only with a client they know has a terrific sense of humor.
Oh.
Well, that's one thing you can say about me with With no fear of contradiction.
Right, Walter? WALTER: You're absolutely right, dear.
A sense of humor has Has always been an important ingredient in my success.
Why, I-I could always laugh at misfortune in those Those grim days when I was pulling myself up the ladder, rung by rung.
I worked my way up in the dress business, until [MAGIC NOISE.]
Why don't you knock it off, Cora May? What did you say, dear? You didn't work your way into the dress business.
You were kicked into it, by your father who gave you $25,000 to leave home.
Walter, how can you talk like that? Easy, dear, because it's the truth.
But But But I have had it up to here, Cora May, with that Horatio Alger bit of yours.
Walter! Uh, Mrs.
Franklin, suppose we get back to business? A B Yes, I I think business is the only safe subject we can discuss.
Right.
Wrong.
For years I have been clamming up while she sounded off about being the great career woman, playing "I Love Me" on her big fat trombone.
And, Cora May, don't you ever jab me in the ribs again.
Do you have anything else to say, dear? Yes, something I've been wanting to say for a long time.
When you put "career" in front of "woman," a large part of the woman disappears.
There's more, but that'll do for starters.
Well.
Uh.
I think I'll, uh, check my roast while, uh, Darrin changes the subject.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
H Hasn't it been warm? Lately.
Mother.
I know you're behind this.
I also know what you're trying to prove.
And if it'll make you feel any better, you have proven your point.
You're creating a disaster out there.
"You were right.
Mother knows best.
Message enclosed.
" Oh! "You ain't seen nothing yet.
" Mrs.
Franklin, I have a great deal of respect for your judgment regarding your advertising, and I'm certainly willing to exchange campaign ideas.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Except when you start throwing around nonsense like "dressy-wessy.
" Oh, no.
Darrin, have you gone bananas? Not at all.
I think a little frankness is a healthy thing.
It's also stupid.
Oh, dear.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
I don't think so.
It's time somebody leveled with Cora May.
Oh, boy.
And, Cora May, it's time you listened for a change.
Oh, surely, you don't mean what you're saying, Mr.
Franklin.
You never talked to me like that in your whole life.
Well, you never shut up long enough for me to.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, they say this kind of a constructive argument is very healthy for a marriage.
Mrs.
Franklin, it might be a good idea if you listen to your husband and then to your advertising representatives.
Keep going, my boy, you're making lots of sense.
Never says a word.
All of a sudden, can't shut him up.
Walter, I have waited for years for you to stop being the suffering, silent martyr.
I must say, you picked a beautiful time to turn yourself on.
Well, I am liberated, Cora May.
Mrs.
Franklin, I'm not through Darrin, couldn't we discuss this at dinner? Is dinner ready? No.
But I thought the dining room might be safer.
I think Samantha's absolutely right.
We should postpone this discussion until [MAGIC NOISE.]
Until right now.
Darrin, there are many ways of handling clients.
And this isn't any of them.
Cora May, we don't tell you how to make your dresses.
And we don't want you telling us how to handle your advertising.
[MOUTHED SPEECH.]
Well, why aren't you laughing, Cora May? What happened to that sense of humor of yours that got you through those dark days when you were climbing the ladder? Mrs.
Franklin, if you would just leave the creative side of advertising in our capable hands Darrin, why don't you let Larry tell Mrs.
Franklin where to get off? He's the boss.
Sweetheart, would you mind butting out? Well! Darrin, you stop picking on your wife.
She's a nice, lovely, charming lady.
Right.
For heaven's sakes, Walter, turn it off.
Where are your manners? You're a guest in this house.
Oh, Mrs.
Franklin, don't worry about that.
I mean I'm not finished yet.
Neither am I.
I have a lot to say.
Cora May, why don't you just keep quiet for a change? Just who do you think you're talking to? Me.
He was talking to me.
No, I was talking to my wife, and I am not finished yet.
I believe I was doing the talking.
You were, you were.
Please, couldn't I interest anyone in some rare roast pork? I am going to finished what I have to say Cora May [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]
Darrin? Oh, excuse me.
What would you like for breakfast? Dinner.
Well, it's all still in there, and it's not rare anymore.
Forget it.
I wish I could forget the whole evening.
Did you get in touch with your mother? Mm-hm.
Finally.
And got a confession.
Here's the culprit.
Mother put a truth spell on it.
She wanted to prove that mortals can't stand to tell the truth to one another.
Well, this mortal can stand telling the truth.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Your mother pulled a low, sneaky, mean, underhanded trick.
How's that for the truth? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Oh, Larry.
Good morning, Samantha.
Lovely dinner.
Well, it's all still out there, if you want some.
Hi, Darrin.
Hi.
I just dropped by to let you know I was practically up all night trying to calm down Cora May and her husband.
With a lot of smooth talk, and a little infighting, I managed to salvage the account.
But I do think you owe her an apology.
Well, Larry, I Darrin.
There's no need for him to apologize.
You'll just have to get along without one.
Maybe I can get along without him at the office too.
Well, Larry, if that's the way you feel, go ahead and try it.
You've got a deal.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
That's the worst deal I ever made in my life.
I need you at the office, Darrin, you know that.
I can't get along without you.
SAMANTHA: Oh, isn't it nice to hear the truth? What about Mr.
and Mrs.
Franklin? Actually, I wasn't up with them last night.
Cora May called me this morning.
It seems that they continued that donnybrook they were having and cleared up a lot of old misunderstandings.
They're happy as larks.
Actually, Larry, everything turned out beautifully.
I guess so.
Heh, heh.
I can't wait to tell Mother.
Mother? Yeah, she just loves happy endings.
Oh.
Well, I'll see you later at the office, Darrin.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
[SIGHS.]
This little fellow really works, doesn't he? Let me give it a test.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Honey, you're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable, and I love you madly.
It works.
Well, it doesn't work on me, but I love you.
And that is the truth, the whole truth and et cetera.
[.]
[.]
[.]
DARRIN: Sam? Out here.
What are you doing? Uh, potting.
I, uh I thought you were gonna sleep late this morning.
Yeah, but I find it hard to sleep in a half-empty bed.
Oh, heh.
Well, I had these pots on my mind Oh, I must look a mess.
Yeah, but what a beautiful mess.
Let's see, now.
There's a nice clean spot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let me wash up.
I'll fix you some breakfast.
I haven't got time for breakfast.
I have an 11:00 appointment.
Then I have to stop off and pick up a special surprise I found for you.
What's the occasion? It's an everyday occasion.
I love you.
ENDORA: Stop.
I'm getting nauseous.
Up here, my darlings.
Endora, must you show up without any warning? Like the flu? Durwood, you are very ignorable.
Let's keep it that way.
Mo Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Sweetheart, don't forget that Larry and the Franklins are coming over for dinner tonight.
No, no.
I'll be home early.
I still say you're a beautiful mess.
[LAUGHS.]
The bologna in this place could supply a delicatessen for a year.
Mother, if you don't like it, why don't you go someplace where the eavesdropping is better? The way you lap up that syrup, my darling, it's pathetic.
Why shouldn't I? Because he's a mortal.
And because when your average mortal starts bringing home presents to his wife, and there's no occasion, believe me, there's been an occasion.
You have a very suspicious mind.
Oh-ho-ho! Your naiveté is sick-making.
Or are you living on fabrications just as they do? No, I'm not.
Darrin is not your average mortal.
He doesn't tell lies.
Nonsense, they're all the same.
Every one of them, including your precious Durwood.
Why, I wager Yes? I just remembered something urgent I have to do.
I won't be long.
Well, take your time.
Oh.
Love is blind.
Oh, well.
[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
[.]
Good morning, Betty.
Good morning, Mr.
Stephens.
Oh, Betty, I wanna show you a little gift I bought for Mrs.
Stephens.
Oh, what's the occasion? Oh, no occasion.
Just like that? Aren't you sweet.
She happens to be crazy about unicorns.
Unicorns? Right.
It's her favorite animal.
Unicorns? Um, a mythical favorite.
Anyway, I found this in an antique store, and I can't wait to give it to her.
Upon that unicorn I put my spell.
Approach it And the truth you'll tell.
Step back And once again you'll speak.
Those lies so dear To mortals weak I wish my boyfriend were like you.
Especially I wish he were married like you, to me.
Do you know how long we've been engaged? Eight years.
It's a disgrace.
Oh, it's lovely.
Hm.
Eight years, huh? Has your boyfriend ever seen you in that dress? I beg your pardon.
Yes, sir.
That's some tight dress, is what it is.
Uh I-I'm sorry if I'm wearing something that's inappropriate.
Inappropriate? No, no, uh, not at all.
It's a charming dress, Betty, and I have no right to be so personal.
[.]
I don't mind your being personal, Mr.
Stephens.
To tell the truth, I wore this dress especially for you.
I hoped it'd get to you.
It's two sizes too small, and I thought it would be nice if you noticed I was a woman, just once.
Mr.
Stephens, I I was only kidding, really.
I don't know what made me say that.
Yeah, well, that makes us even.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Mr.
Stephens' office.
Yes, sir, I'll I'll ask him.
It's Mr.
Tate.
He wants to know if you've come up with anything on the Cora May Sportswear account.
Yes, I've come up with a beautiful case of indigestion.
Uh, hi, Larry.
The answer is no, I haven't come up with a thing.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hear me out.
In view of the fact that you gave everybody else in the office a chance at losing that account before you gave it to me, and considering the fact that I've been on the account for exactly 24 hours, I think you've got a lot of nerve expecting me to perform miracles.
Yes? Oh, good.
[PHONE CLICKS.]
I can tell you this to your face.
You spent a year running the Cora May account into the ground, and And And, uh, uh, no one in my time or memory has ever put up a more valiant struggle to save a sinking ship.
Is this some kind of a joke? Oh, I knew I could rely on your sense of humor, Larry.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's a pretty dumb joke, if you ask me.
Yeah, I guess it was.
What's bugging you this morning? I gave you the sportswear account because I thought it would be a challenge.
[MAGIC DINGS.]
And I wanted no part of it.
She's a miserable lady.
I hate doing business with women, anyway.
It's a marginal product, and I have no intention of knocking myself out.
Besides, I'm king of the hill in this agency.
That's the way things are.
Right, Larry.
Sure.
I hope you'll be in a better mood tonight.
Oh, don't worry, I'll be a good boy.
Good.
[MAGIC DINGS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
I didn't really mean all that stuff about the king of the hill.
It's just that, if anyone can land that account, you can.
See you tonight.
I'll, uh, be looking forward to it.
[.]
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Big shot.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'm coming, I'm coming.
How do you do, madam? Do you believe in magic? Probably not.
But I'm sure you'll agree that anything that makes housecleaning a pleasure has to be magic.
Well, I'm terribly sorry, but Think of what you can do with the time you save.
I tell you, the Mindmaster Vacuum Cleaner is sweeping the country.
"Sweeping the country," get it? [LAUGHING.]
I get it.
Just a minute, buddy.
I was here first.
It's my husband.
Oh, how do you do, sir? I was just telling the little lady what a great little [MAGIC NOISE.]
What a dog this vacuum cleaner is.
I mean, that's what I should have been telling her.
I take it you're not interested.
Sorry.
Well, you can't win 'em all.
With this dud, I can't seem to win any of them.
What got into him? Can't imagine.
Well, I suppose there comes a time when a man just can't hack it anymore.
What kind of a kiss do you call that? A cautious kiss.
I didn't feel like getting a roller in my eye.
Oh, sweetheart, I I'm sorry.
I just finished putting up my hair, when that pest arrived.
Do you mind? Of course I do.
All men do.
If women just realized how ridiculous and unfeminine they looked with all that hardware in their hair You want me to look pretty, don't you? Well, look at it this way.
How would you feel if I came tripping down the stairs, with shaving cream all over my face, and offered you my forehead to kiss? Darrin.
Well, I wouldn't be at my most attractive, would I? Well, no, you're not right now.
I think his honesty is very refreshing.
Thank you.
If the sight of me is so distressing, I'll just go back upstairs.
Sam.
Endora, there are lots of things I don't need right now, and you're on the top of the list.
[LAUGHS.]
SAM: Mother, dear? Hm? You still find his honesty refreshing? Mm-hm.
Oh, sweetheart, here's that surprise I told you about this morning.
Oh.
[GASPS.]
Oh, Darrin, it's beautiful.
Mother, look.
Oh, isn't it lovely? Who picked it out for you, Durwood? Oh, oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's see, it isn't your birthday, it isn't your anniversary.
So there's only one explanation.
Durwood has a guilty conscience.
Oh, Mother.
Stop being yourself.
That's like asking Niagara to fall up.
All right, all right.
Mother, bye-bye.
Earlier, I couldn't help but overhear that you were having a little, uh, dinner party? So why don't you two run up and get dressed? I hope you have a lovely evening.
Thank you, Mother.
ENDORA: Don't worry about your mother.
I'll find something to eat, someplace.
Okay, fine.
Darrin, don't make Mother angry.
She's very difficult when she gets angry.
Since when does she have to be angry to be difficult? You're right, Durweed.
I don't have to be angry to be difficult.
But it helps.
Oh, Darrin, when are you going to learn that Mother knows best? Hm? And what Mother knows best is how to be difficult.
Well, so far so good.
It's possible that your mother has come to understand that you cannot mix in-laws with business dinners.
Mm-hm.
It's possible.
It's also possible that it don't rain in Indianapolis in the summertime.
Sam.
Well You talk about women's lib.
Why, to me, it's laughable.
Any woman worth her salt can make it if she has the will and the talent.
Why, I started my own company at the age of 25.
Is that right? My, that's really impressive.
Ha, ha.
You must be very proud of you wife, Mr.
Franklin.
Hm? Oh, yes, indeed.
She's quite, eh, remarkable.
Thank you, dear.
You're slouching.
Oh, speaking of business, I think you should know that we at McMann & Tate consider Stephens to be our number-one creative talent.
Tate, don't you think you're being a little outré? I am? Where? I mean, if we're going to discuss business, wouldn't it be more civilized to wait till we've had a drink? DARRIN: Well, here are the drinks.
Good, ha, ha, ha.
Now we can discuss business.
[LAUGHTER.]
Here you are, Larry.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Darrin, do you know what Cora May was telling me? What? She started her own company when she was only 25.
Really? Well, that makes it a very young company.
Oh, ho, ho! I see your plan, you old fox.
You've assigned the charmer on your staff to my account, haven't you? Ha, ha, ha, ha! Don't you try to con me with flattery, because you'll be wasting your time.
I am interested in one thing and one thing only, and that is results.
Right, Walter? Right, made 25 years of age.
Isn't that remarkable? You haven't even been listening.
Yes, I have, dear.
What did you say? I s Here we are.
She comes in beauty Like the night.
Bearing tidbits From Olympian heights [ALL LAUGH.]
My goodness.
You better save your poetry until you've tasted those.
Speaking of poetry, I had a great idea today for a slogan for my dress line.
I'll give it to you gentlemen, for nothing.
Great, Cora May.
Let's hear it.
Ready? Heh-heh! Walter.
Whatever you say, dear.
Well, I haven't said anything yet.
Oh, what's the slogan, Mrs.
Franklin? Well, it goes like this.
Confucius say, "Don't be messy-messy, buy a Cora May dressy-wessy.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh, that's cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
That's great, Cora May.
We'd never have thought of it.
Darrin, make a note of that.
We'd better discuss it at the meeting tomorrow.
DARRIN: Oh, I don't have to make a note of that, because I couldn't possibly forget it.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
But, in truth, I must admit, it's very forgettable.
What was that you said? Well, I mean, "messy-messy," "dressy-wessy.
" Heh, heh.
You were kidding, weren't you? Darrin, you must admit, it's pretty catchy.
Oh, re Relax, Larry.
I know the Cora May account is a pet of yours.
That's the reason you should be truthful.
That's right, Darrin.
Cora May's account is very important to me.
Let's not forget it.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Let's also not forget if anybody laughs at my pet accounts, it's going to be me.
"Dressy-wessy.
" Oh, boy.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Larry.
Darrin.
Hey, now, come on, stop clowning around.
Mrs.
Franklin's apt to take you seriously.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Stop teasing Mrs.
Franklin.
They always do this with a new account.
It's sort of a little game they play.
They must lose quite a few accounts that way.
Uh.
Rarely, rarely.
They're very careful to do it only with a client they know has a terrific sense of humor.
Oh.
Well, that's one thing you can say about me with With no fear of contradiction.
Right, Walter? WALTER: You're absolutely right, dear.
A sense of humor has Has always been an important ingredient in my success.
Why, I-I could always laugh at misfortune in those Those grim days when I was pulling myself up the ladder, rung by rung.
I worked my way up in the dress business, until [MAGIC NOISE.]
Why don't you knock it off, Cora May? What did you say, dear? You didn't work your way into the dress business.
You were kicked into it, by your father who gave you $25,000 to leave home.
Walter, how can you talk like that? Easy, dear, because it's the truth.
But But But I have had it up to here, Cora May, with that Horatio Alger bit of yours.
Walter! Uh, Mrs.
Franklin, suppose we get back to business? A B Yes, I I think business is the only safe subject we can discuss.
Right.
Wrong.
For years I have been clamming up while she sounded off about being the great career woman, playing "I Love Me" on her big fat trombone.
And, Cora May, don't you ever jab me in the ribs again.
Do you have anything else to say, dear? Yes, something I've been wanting to say for a long time.
When you put "career" in front of "woman," a large part of the woman disappears.
There's more, but that'll do for starters.
Well.
Uh.
I think I'll, uh, check my roast while, uh, Darrin changes the subject.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
H Hasn't it been warm? Lately.
Mother.
I know you're behind this.
I also know what you're trying to prove.
And if it'll make you feel any better, you have proven your point.
You're creating a disaster out there.
"You were right.
Mother knows best.
Message enclosed.
" Oh! "You ain't seen nothing yet.
" Mrs.
Franklin, I have a great deal of respect for your judgment regarding your advertising, and I'm certainly willing to exchange campaign ideas.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Except when you start throwing around nonsense like "dressy-wessy.
" Oh, no.
Darrin, have you gone bananas? Not at all.
I think a little frankness is a healthy thing.
It's also stupid.
Oh, dear.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
I don't think so.
It's time somebody leveled with Cora May.
Oh, boy.
And, Cora May, it's time you listened for a change.
Oh, surely, you don't mean what you're saying, Mr.
Franklin.
You never talked to me like that in your whole life.
Well, you never shut up long enough for me to.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, they say this kind of a constructive argument is very healthy for a marriage.
Mrs.
Franklin, it might be a good idea if you listen to your husband and then to your advertising representatives.
Keep going, my boy, you're making lots of sense.
Never says a word.
All of a sudden, can't shut him up.
Walter, I have waited for years for you to stop being the suffering, silent martyr.
I must say, you picked a beautiful time to turn yourself on.
Well, I am liberated, Cora May.
Mrs.
Franklin, I'm not through Darrin, couldn't we discuss this at dinner? Is dinner ready? No.
But I thought the dining room might be safer.
I think Samantha's absolutely right.
We should postpone this discussion until [MAGIC NOISE.]
Until right now.
Darrin, there are many ways of handling clients.
And this isn't any of them.
Cora May, we don't tell you how to make your dresses.
And we don't want you telling us how to handle your advertising.
[MOUTHED SPEECH.]
Well, why aren't you laughing, Cora May? What happened to that sense of humor of yours that got you through those dark days when you were climbing the ladder? Mrs.
Franklin, if you would just leave the creative side of advertising in our capable hands Darrin, why don't you let Larry tell Mrs.
Franklin where to get off? He's the boss.
Sweetheart, would you mind butting out? Well! Darrin, you stop picking on your wife.
She's a nice, lovely, charming lady.
Right.
For heaven's sakes, Walter, turn it off.
Where are your manners? You're a guest in this house.
Oh, Mrs.
Franklin, don't worry about that.
I mean I'm not finished yet.
Neither am I.
I have a lot to say.
Cora May, why don't you just keep quiet for a change? Just who do you think you're talking to? Me.
He was talking to me.
No, I was talking to my wife, and I am not finished yet.
I believe I was doing the talking.
You were, you were.
Please, couldn't I interest anyone in some rare roast pork? I am going to finished what I have to say Cora May [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]
Darrin? Oh, excuse me.
What would you like for breakfast? Dinner.
Well, it's all still in there, and it's not rare anymore.
Forget it.
I wish I could forget the whole evening.
Did you get in touch with your mother? Mm-hm.
Finally.
And got a confession.
Here's the culprit.
Mother put a truth spell on it.
She wanted to prove that mortals can't stand to tell the truth to one another.
Well, this mortal can stand telling the truth.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Your mother pulled a low, sneaky, mean, underhanded trick.
How's that for the truth? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Oh, Larry.
Good morning, Samantha.
Lovely dinner.
Well, it's all still out there, if you want some.
Hi, Darrin.
Hi.
I just dropped by to let you know I was practically up all night trying to calm down Cora May and her husband.
With a lot of smooth talk, and a little infighting, I managed to salvage the account.
But I do think you owe her an apology.
Well, Larry, I Darrin.
There's no need for him to apologize.
You'll just have to get along without one.
Maybe I can get along without him at the office too.
Well, Larry, if that's the way you feel, go ahead and try it.
You've got a deal.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
That's the worst deal I ever made in my life.
I need you at the office, Darrin, you know that.
I can't get along without you.
SAMANTHA: Oh, isn't it nice to hear the truth? What about Mr.
and Mrs.
Franklin? Actually, I wasn't up with them last night.
Cora May called me this morning.
It seems that they continued that donnybrook they were having and cleared up a lot of old misunderstandings.
They're happy as larks.
Actually, Larry, everything turned out beautifully.
I guess so.
Heh, heh.
I can't wait to tell Mother.
Mother? Yeah, she just loves happy endings.
Oh.
Well, I'll see you later at the office, Darrin.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
[SIGHS.]
This little fellow really works, doesn't he? Let me give it a test.
[MAGIC NOISE.]
Honey, you're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable, and I love you madly.
It works.
Well, it doesn't work on me, but I love you.
And that is the truth, the whole truth and et cetera.
[.]
[.]