Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e80 Episode Script

This evening, Last Comic Standing is so packed with comedy, it's going to be standing Room Only.
Tonight we'll count down the 50 funniest jokes of the season.
Tell it to my balls! You'll see our best comics telling all new jokes.
I love animals.
I think my favorite animal's probably, like, shrimp.
You know? And all new comics telling their best jokes.
I take birth control not 'cause I'm scared of getting pregnant, just 'cause I like knowing what day of the week it is.
We'll shine a spotlight on the eight comics still standing.
Don't air that.
Edit that out.
Edit that cantaloupe out.
I woke up this morning in a mesh tank top.
It's serious.
And we'll take a sneak peak at our next challenge.
I wanna see how you guys handle the pressure of being a talk show guest.
Not just any talk show.
I'm talking about a big hit talk show.
And it's all happening right now on Last Comic Standing Room Only Last Comic Standing Last Comic Standing Last Comic Standing, season eight.
A whole new ball game.
It all began with the invitational round.
100 of the best and brightest comics from across the country were invited.
Leave it out there on the stage, people.
Let's go, on three.
- One, two, three - Go! Last comic standing.
Jokes be demanding.
Get those cameras out of my face! To be real with you, I'm super competitive.
So if I lose this, I'll go to a cooking show.
If I lose that, dance off.
If I lose that, storage wars.
I'll do whatever it takes to win.
There were a lot of very funny comics but some clear stars began to emerge.
I love you! Yeah, thank you, thank you.
Say that again.
Great energy, great stage presence.
Your jokes are really funny.
Thank you very much, I appreciate it.
It was it was hot.
Thank you so much.
You know, what I like about you is that you owned who you are, and you let us have it.
Thanks, bro.
I appreciate it.
Your is next-level.
It's good.
Oh, thank you.
That mean's very much to me, thank you.
You are what comedy is supposed to be.
- Thank you.
- It was great.
- You were great.
- Thank you.
You've been doing it for a long time.
You know what you're doing, and you're a great job at it.
Thank you, brother.
Non-stop funny.
Non-stop.
I was really blown away.
I think the comics were much better than I expected them to be.
It's very exciting to be part of it and to watch it.
All the comics were so good, even the ones that didn't make it delivered the laughs.
I was in a wine store in New York, I was getting a bottle of wine for a dinner function.
I could not read the label very well.
Out of complete curiosity, I said, "excuse me, ma'am.
What year is this?" She said, "the wine?" No, ma'am.
I am a time traveler.
We did actually have a dog, and it's a sad story.
He ended up biting a little boy in the face.
We had to have him killed.
'Cause he would have told his parents.
I was in the bank the other day, and they were playing rap music in my bank.
With my money.
I don't like that.
Maybe you should be playing something more relaxing.
Maybe something classical.
And she was like, what? This is a classic.
This is biggie off of his juicy album.
So, guys, I've never had a drink in my life because I come from a long line of alcoholics.
My family tree has a car wrapped around it.
There were simply too many great comics to show you until now.
When I was a kid, and I wanted to do something that my mom thought was weird and all my friends were doing it, she would always say this to me.
She would always go, "well, if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" So I was like, "I don't know, mom.
Might be kind of sad.
" All my friends just died.
I'm gonna open up to you people.
I'm not really a people person.
I was in the elevator the other day, and I was eating a bag of baby Carrots.
And this guy was like, those are really good for your eyes.
I was like, I know.
I used to be blind.
Anybody want a free breakfast tomorrow? It's the easiest thing in the world.
Just get up before 9:00.
Get over to, like, a Hampton Inn.
Make a waffle, get the hell out of there.
It's the easiest thing.
I love my mother but she's a little bit of a nut.
Every time I go back to Boston, she loves to take me on these "memory lane" drive-bys.
And they always start off very warm and inviting.
And by the end they're, like, morose and frightening.
And they always start with the parish.
She's like, "oh, you remember the parish, don't ya? Nice memories there.
You were baptized, confirmed.
Oh, here's the high school.
Remember you got drunk, and you knocked your front tooth out, you made your mother cry? Do remember how you made your mother cry?" Then it goes on to have something that has nothing to do with me.
She's like, "remember that guy got murdered over here? Yeah, they never found his torso.
You and your sister were out late that night, but I didn't ask any questions.
" People get kind of weirded out when they hear me speak.
I get it.
The audio doesn't exactly match the visual.
A buddy of mine, he's such a jerk.
He said to me once, he goes, you know what, Brian? You look like you could star in a Kung Fu movie.
And then dub your own voice-overs.
I had one corporate job interview, and they were like, "Jackie, can you please pick one word that best describes yourself?" "I'm gonna have to go with 'vindictive.
' I'm looking forward to working with all of you.
There's no 'I' in 'team.
' there's three in 'vindictive.
'" So I'm cruisin' through the Amish Country, right? It's snowing out.
I'm in a rent-a-car so I'm speeding a little bit.
I come around a corner, and I see this Amish guy starting to cross the street to go to his mailbox.
And my first thought was, well, if I hit 'em, I'll be out of the state before anybody here gets to a phone.
And although not every comic could move on, they all had their moments.
I'm looking for comfortable shoes that won't make me look like a biblical character.
It's really difficult.
I know the girls know what I'm talking about.
I went to the shoe store.
I told the lady I was, like, I need some comfortable shoes.
This lady brought out the most hideous-looking shoes.
I said, "oh, hell, no.
I cannot wear I am not trying to be one of Tracy Chapman's backup dancers, okay? These are birth control shoes, that's what they are.
" I have a partner, a husband, I'm married.
People are often like, that's so confusing.
You said you were bisexual but it turns out you're married.
And I guess it is confusing.
The truth is I dated women for a really long time.
And then I met my husband and I was like, "wow.
Close enough.
" I saw a couple cops on horses last night.
Just walking towards me.
My first thought was django.
I was expecting one of them to say something to me.
"Where ya goin', boy?" So I could just look at 'em.
"Nowhere, sir.
" Mr.
Lincoln says I's free.
After four nights of great comedy at the invitationals, 28 comics advanced to the semifinals.
Everybody has proven that they deserve to be here.
So there's no question about talent.
Now it's just about who's got what left in their tank.
The 28 comics who advanced to the semifinals didn't disappoint.
Check out some of the stand-out stand-ups.
My husband loves me with all my crazy.
I have a mattress phobia because I've experienced bedbugs.
So I travel with an air mattress.
So right before we were gonna get married my husband took me on a romantic weekend.
We got to the hotel.
He had it all set up: Roses, chocolate-covered strawberries, champagne.
You know where this was headed.
But right before we got down to business, I had to say, hold on, baby.
Let me inflate my air mattress.
I'ma tear you up.
I'm in a department store, shopping for my husky-fit pants, and I realize something.
I'm getting fat.
'Cause my pants size is 36/30.
That's how you know you're fat, guys.
When your pants size is an improper fraction.
I am equal to 1 1/5 of another human being.
General math: 12th grade.
I found out I developed a nut allergy.
So I Carry an epi-pen with me now everywhere.
You guys know what that is.
That's just a shot of adrenaline.
You're clapping.
Cost $400.
I wasn't clapping at the pharmacy.
'Cause it's adrenaline.
Like, your body makes that on its own whenever you're scared or excited.
It's, like, $400? Shoot, I can get somebody to sneak up on me for free.
My wife and I just celebrated our six-year wedding anniversary which is exciting.
Thank you.
It was nice.
I gave her diamond earrings.
She gave me a homemade coupon for oral sex.
That expired in June of '07.
I'll tell you what sucks, too, the most about homemade sex coupons.
And that's that they're only redeemable at her store.
I mean, that's not fair.
I read 90% of American men admit to looking at pornography online.
How sad is that? 10% of American men still don't have access to the Internet? Families are very special.
They are, they're very special.
I always watch the celebrities at the Oscar awards.
I always watch them get up.
And in their speech they always thank their moms and their dads.
It always touches me.
Makes me think about what it is I'd say to my family.
If I ever got a big award like that, I think I'd just be like, "and to my family, I'd like to say Is this enough? Is this enough? Are you happy now? Are you happy? Maybe we could let law school go! And thanks to the academy.
" Thank you guys so much.
I enjoyed your set a lot.
I think you're a great writer.
I think you're a modern woman with a modern point of view.
You kind of remind me of my daughters.
But I like ya anyway.
When the dust had settled at the semis, only ten comics were still standing.
Their performances were a cut above the rest.
Monroe Martin! Joe Machi, baby.
Karlous Miller! Aida Rodriguez! Jimmy Shubert! Lachlan Patterson! Rocky Laporte! D.
C.
Benny, baby! Nikki Carr! Rod Man! Hey, top ten! This is all like a dream come true.
Without much time to bask in the glow of success, the challenge rounds began.
It's a team challenge that we call "sketchy situation.
" Sketchy Slate! I think the sketch challenge was one of the toughest challenges.
I can pretty much tell you from personal experience that there is nothing hilarious about being stuck in a massive fire.
A comedian doing a sketch is like a baseball player boxing.
Related, it's an athletic thing, but it's not the same.
So we don't really have those same muscles.
After a tense vote I know I am funnier than gallaghers one and two.
Rod Man, Aida Rodriguez and Jimmy Shubert faced off in the season's first head-to-head-to-head stand-up challenge.
I know what you're thinking.
Jimmy, how could that happen? You're such a peach.
They told me I'm facin' elimination tonight, but I'm a black man so I have to face elimination every day.
So this is nothing.
Judging is much harder now.
These are great joke writers, these are great performers, and these are people that deserve to be where they are right now.
- The results - Rod Man! A big win for Rod Man.
And a "take it home" for Jimmy and Aida.
Man, there ain't no losers at this point.
There's a bunch of people that would trade places with you right now.
Now only eight comics are still standing.
Each one took their own unique path leading here.
But all of them bound together for one thing: To be the Last Comic Standing.
- I will drink to that.
- Cheers.
This season, our top eight finalists have slapped audiences silly.
Each with their own unique brand of humor.
It's like a little game.
Debit, debit.
You know, if it goes through, you be like, hey, I win again, I win again.
New stand-up, and an in-depth look at our top eight finalists.
I'm in a temple with all these Jewish people, and I'm telling 'em space jokes.
It didn't go over too well.
And then we'll begin our countdown of the 50 - Wow.
- Funniest jokes of the season.
So far.
What do you feel like has changed the most since you started up until right now? You know, when I was coming up, George Wallace was on the road, and Ellen Degeneres.
There was a lot of big names still out on the road, you know.
Dennis Miller was touring.
And all those guys, they always told me, hey, if you wanna get out of the clubs and get on TV, you gotta be clean.
'Cause when I came up, you didn't just go onstage, you had to pay your dues to get onstage.
But now you got the Twitter and the Facebook - and all that so - Instagram.
They get followers and they like, - I'm a star already.
- And they have no - but you got no jokes.
- They ain't got nothing - They ain't got no jokes.
- You're right about that.
How 'bout let's everybody tell a story about their worst gig.
The first TV spot was probably one of the worst gigs.
It was the Apollo.
Crowd that night was just crazy.
Steve Harvey comes out and he gives this big speech about how, you know, black audiences should not boo black performers.
You know, it's messed up.
People trying to get opportunities whatever.
Anyway, and he's like, and now we're gonna bring this guy on, right? - However - And I came on.
But this guy, right here First word out of my mouth was "surprise.
" I think the worst show I ever had, they booked me to open the show for these male strippers.
Like, a male review.
You know, chocolate thunder and dynamite Mandingo was one and Mandingo.
All of these guys are backstage.
One time this guy got me a gig, he told me it's for NASA.
He goes you might meet an astronaut.
Right.
So I'm trying to write, like, space jokes.
Like there's a lot of those going around? This is great.
And I get to the gig, NASA.
It was the national association of synagogue administrators.
I'm an a temple with all these Jewish people, and I'm telling 'em space jokes.
It didn't go over too well.
You guys any real special moment that you can remember? My special moment of comedy magic: I'm performing one night, and Judd Apatow and Adam Sandler came up to me after the show and said, I wanna put you in a movie.
Yeah, that's a great night.
And they put me in funny people.
You were in funny people, dude? - For a minute.
- Really? I was the host in the club.
I got a standing ovation on the Tonight Show, man.
- Did you really, man? - Yeah.
A standing ovation on the Tonight Show? Wow.
What's the worst heckler you ever had? Rod Man saved me one time.
Stood up two minutes in, they start just that humming.
You can hear the chatter.
The booths got so loud that people were standing up.
And an old woman in a full orange outfit stood up and she just started yelling at me, you aren't funny, get off the stage.
And then you just came up right next to me and put your arm on my shoulder, and you're like, how about another round of applause for Lachlan Patterson.
- I will drink to that.
- Cheers, guys.
- Ain't that the truth.
- Cheers, everybody.
Thank you.
Over dinner, the comics got an opportunity to learn a little bit about each other.
Now it's time for us to learn a little bit more about each of them as we shine a spotlight on our top eight.
Our first spotlight lands on a charismatic finalist with a gift for gab.
Rod Man.
Give it up! With his slow and steady nonstop delivery and his pinpoint, folksy, "Rod Man-esque" takes on life's intricacies, it's no wonder Rod Man has become one of this season's early favorites.
Yeah, I be like, man, this is way too much receipt for a pack of gum.
My name is Rod Thompson.
That's my real name, people, government.
But I didn't wanna go by my real name, just in case I wasn't funny, and my family was in the audience somewhere.
So that's my alias, and it stuck.
Rod Man! I'm from a small town in Georgia, right outside Atlanta, called Villa Rica, Georgia, a "city of gold.
" Well, we have not found the gold yet, but we still digging.
Two stop lights, they just their Walmart.
So can tell 'em nothing now? Yeah, they doing it big down there so, yeah, that's the hometown.
Rod Man, to me, he's the pro.
Nothing shakes him.
So, okay, yeah.
- Okay, edit that out.
Edit that cantaloupe out.
He's got great stage presence, great material.
Say that again, say that again.
Great relationship with the audience.
He has this sort of man confused about the world style, and he picks on all the little things that we all, you know, are annoyed by, but he does it with this little country flavor, and it's just very funny.
The world is changin'.
People, you gotta know that the world is changin'.
You don't even get your paycheck like you used to.
That's how much the world is changing.
You get your money through the middle of the night, direct deposit.
You don't even really know what time your money go in.
I used to try to stay up and see what time they put my money in, 'cause I need to know what time you put the money in, 'cause that's pertinent information right there, 'cause I got pending charges, so you need to make sure that they put the money in at the same time that I got the charges out in the universe.
That's what I try to pay attention to.
Yeah, and then all your money's on a card.
You don't really know your balance.
Like, the old people used to know their balance.
They had a check ledger.
Now we just go around swiping.
You don't even really know your balance.
It's like a little game.
Debit, debit.
You know, if it goes through, you be like, hey, I win again, I win again.
That's how that goes right there.
You be like, this is a good-ass card.
You feel good about the card.
'Cause sometimes they'll be like, would you like cash back? You be like, well, hell, yeah, I would like cash back.
I didn't even know I had cash to get back.
So I'll take 40 more dollars, please.
So thank you very much.
I've been married for 16 years so And she work.
I believe in any good relationship both parties need to work.
So my wife has always been a support system as far as finance, emotionally, physically.
She's always been a champion of "you got something.
" I know you don't know me yet, but you will! All right.
I'm every-guy.
You know, I'm a brother who you see and you wanna have a beer with, you wanna go to a game with.
So they're gonna root for me because they're gonna relate to what I'm talking about.
I go to PTA meetings.
Yeah, I'm not a part of the PTA but I go.
I go to children's plays.
'Cause I got to, you gotta support the children.
To be here tonight is a beautiful experience.
L.
A a lot of traffic in L.
A.
Lotta traffic.
And if I let you merge into traffic, I'm gonna need you to give me the hand, and let people know I made that happen, 'cause a lot of people Yeah, they'll just ride off like you didn't make that happen.
But I catch up to 'em.
I say, hey, let me get that hand, let me get that hand.
Don't act like I did not make that happen.
Rod Man's writing, and his delivery, and the way he thinks, it's not like anybody else I've ever heard or seen.
His delivery is just it's so unique.
It's so new.
I don't know why they call it a "field sobriety test," 'cause the test is never in a field.
It's always on the side of the road with other cars going by.
It's a scary-ass test.
So I'm like, man, if this was in a field, I probably could run better in a field.
I know yeah, 'cause you gotta run, you gotta run in a field.
But if you run, you're gonna have to get away now.
That's gonna be important.
'Cause if you don't get away and they catch you, you gonna get the knee in your back.
That's what the police do: The knee in your back.
You be like, man, you did not have to put that knee in my back like that.
I got scoliosis.
I think I got scoliosis so Hey, I've been Rod Man, man.
I appreciate y'all, man.
Much love.
Thank y'all very much, man.
Appreciate it, appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you.
What's up, Rod Man? Yeah, how you doing, Mr.
Wayans.
Yeah, yeah.
I wore this shirt for you.
This here shirt, for you, yeah, this is for you.
I was gonna ask you if there's a cape on the back of that, - 'cause - Oh, yeah.
That looks like the next superman suit right there.
Seem to have yanked it off.
Yeah, and it's hot as hell too.
It's hot as hell.
I'll tell you that, it's a hot-ass shirt.
- This is a show shirt.
- That's it.
Can't wear this nowhere else but on a show.
- You gotta be on a show.
- This is so true.
You can't just walk around Hollywood with this shirt on, 'cause it ain't that kind of shirt.
Rod Man, let me tell you something, man.
Tell me something, Russell.
You killed that just now.
- Thank you, man.
- You wowed me tonight.
- Thank you.
- Good job.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
I'm here, I'm here.
I don't I don't see nobody.
I'm just Staying in my lane, running my race, and that's how we're gonna roll with this thing.
You know what I'm saying? There have been many great jokes this season.
So many, in fact, that we decided to create one of those lists you all seem to like so much.
Here now are the 50 funniest jokes of the season.
Guacamole.
So far.
One time a DJ was like, I want y'all to scream like you ain't never screamed before.
So I was like We were very poor.
My mom used to get all my clothes at the thrift shop.
I came into class, looked like a 12-year-old golf pro with a drinking problem.
I'd like to have a catchprase.
I think that could be amazing.
I'm working on one.
I do need to work it into conversation.
So I'm gonna ask you a question.
What do you do for a living? Tell it to my balls! Hate to start off with bad news, but I did just get some.
Found out that my penis lost its job.
So if you know of any openings it can fill Yeah, stand up.
There were two black kids at my school, me and Keisha.
I was also known as "oops, I thought you was Keisha.
" We'll have more of our countdown later in the show.
Coming up next, a finalist that exhibits a lot of character in everything he does.
Quiet.
Don't talk back to the Jefe.
I know there's a kilo in the "hoo-haw.
" Welcome back to Last Comic Standing Room Only.
Now let's see what happens when opportunity meets preparation, with D.
C.
Benny.
D.
C.
Benny! Yo! This veteran comic has toured the country many times over and has been entertaining crowds for over 25 years.
I didn't order those biscuits.
She's like, "ix-nay, free-nay" on the "bis-cay.
" I was like, what? She's like, baby, it's a hookup, take the biscuits.
Always a fan favorite, he's still looking for that big break.
What, you think biscuits grow on trees? Biscuits.
Before I went on stage, my wife called me and was like, bring home the biscuits.
Perhaps this time he'll go all the way.
- I came to your college? - Yeah, man.
I was, like, a freshman.
- I was like, he's great.
- I've made my comedy bones.
I've been grinding every kind of environment in front of any kind of crowd.
I drove out to almost Canada once.
It was like a 7- or 8-hour drive.
We got there, there was four kids at the place.
And they were they heckled us.
I have fans, but I'm under the radar.
I've been under the radar for a long time.
Is that the smallest group you've ever done? Probably two is the smallest.
Maybe one.
My wife is a therapist.
I'm a comedian, she's a therapist.
She listens to people's problems all day, I make fun of 'em all night, you know, so it works out, you know.
She's a sex therapist.
Which, you tell guys, they think that's really cool.
But it's not.
'Cause there's always a lot of work involved.
There's always assignments.
The other night The other night I come home, and she's like, we're gonna do fantasies.
First we'll do my fantasy, then we'll do your fantasy.
So we're doing her fantasy.
I'm scattering rose petals on the bed, Barry white's playing, I'm reading poetry.
I'm like, this fantasy sucks, you know? Let's do my stuff.
- She's like, all right.
- I'm like all right, I'm a Colombian customs official.
You're a drug mule smuggling those little balloons in every orifice, so I'm gonna do a full-body cavity search.
She's like, ugh! I don't like that I don't like that Quiet.
Don't talk back to the Jefe.
I know there's a kilo in the hoo-haw.
You've been doing it for a long time.
You know what you're doing, and you're doing a great job at it.
Thank you, brother.
It felt really good and really funny and true to you.
Talking about your life, and your wife, and what you do for a living, all that stuff was hilarious, 'cause that's where you shine.
Cool.
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
The end game for my comedy is to put it out there and bring people into kind of this bizarre world I live in.
- Check that sandal out.
- Benny got the dad sandals on.
My style is different.
I'm original in what I do, because I talk about my life and only I've lived my life.
This is Benny getting a massage.
Get some of that stress off of his back.
Oh, man, I feel like I'm a hundred.
Boy, if you grow up to be like D.
C.
Benny, you could do a lot worse.
Yeah.
He's a stand-up guy, just a nice dude.
Maybe that just comes with experience.
Who looks younger? You both look old as hell, man.
- You both look old.
- But coming from an old guy - Oh, yeah, suntan.
- I never said I look young.
Exactly.
I've been a comic for 26 years.
The last four years, I had to essentially stop doing comedy.
I had bills to pay.
I started selling real estate professionally.
And I'd sneak out at night and do comedy sets and everything, but not to the level of what I was doing before then.
Man, I that was good, that was good.
I can't complain.
So this really means a lot, because it puts my career back on the map a little bit.
And I have the option of slinging jokes again instead of just slinging bricks, you know? I'm celebrating being married for 20 years.
I'm very excited.
Thank you.
I'm Jewish, my wife is black.
We go down south, we're worth an extra ten points.
Look here, it's a daily double.
When we got married, she had two brothers that are Muslim who didn't like me too much.
Just like little stuff they were saying at the breakfast table.
"My man, can you pass the crackers? They're right over there by the white bread and the deviled eggs.
" She went to go meet my dad.
He kept saying stuff that was supposed to be a compliment, would come out as an insult.
He's like, "I don't think all black people look alike.
Uh Denzel Snipes is a fine actor.
" We live in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn's kind of rough around the edges.
You know, people don't care.
They don't give to the homeless, always make excuses why not to give 'em money.
You could be messed up, homeless, have no arms, no legs, just be a head on the sidewalk.
With an eye patch and a speech impediment and a little sign saying "please give.
" Some guy'll walk by.
Yeah, but how'd you write that freacking sign, though? I'm D.
C.
Benny.
Your dialects and characters you blew my mind.
It was fantastic.
You know what? Wow, is what I wanna tell you.
It was a great set, D.
C.
amazing.
- Thank you.
- One more time for D.
C.
Benny! I would love to win Last Comic Standing.
Maybe I got a shot.
I'd like to think I do.
That was fantastic.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
Now you guys may have noticed that I am unusually large for a homosexual.
I am not certain why this is the case.
My current working theory is that once my parents realized I was going to be gay, they figured they might as well raise the largest one in the county.
If they're not getting grandchildren out of the deal, at least they could get a blue ribbon.
I'm from Puerto Rico.
Yes! Which means I'm a black person that speaks Spanish.
Or a Mexican with papers.
Whatever you wanna call me.
Everywhere you go, there's different animal attack scenarios.
I was in Florida.
This guy was like, "if it's an alligator, run in a zigzag.
Everybody knows that.
" All right, I hadn't heard that.
Aren't alligator eyes on the sides of their head? Wouldn't they see you more if you're zigzagging? "There he is.
He's back.
Good thing he's running like a weirdo.
" You know what's not safe? These fathers walking around with babies in pouches attached to the fronts of their bodies.
It's the cockiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
That says, look, I get women pregnant, I make them have the baby, then I wear the baby as jewelry.
People often say the villain of the Lion King is Scar.
I don't think it is.
You know who it is? The jerk parents who name their child "Scar" after he was born with a Scar on his face.
What kind of name is Scar? That would be like, allow me to introduce you to my two sons, Timothy and Cleft Palate.
We'll be back with more later in the show.
Coming up next, a finalist who's on fire with confidence.
I saw a commercial that said, one in three people have AIDS.
I'm like, man, there's two people on the couch! Welcome back to Last Comic Standing Room Only.
Now let's take a look at the "mouth from the south.
" Karlous Miller.
Karlous has been compared to a young Martin Lawrence: Edgy, unpredictable, fearless, and funny.
That's the way I told my first joke.
This former firefighter has been lighting up the last comic stage.
I love a woman who got all ten toes pretty.
You ever seen a chick, she got eight pretty toes and that little one look like a smoked cigarette? Karlous is one of the best that we saw.
He has edge and goes hard, and he's the kind of comedian that I love, because he's a performer.
You're gonna put me back in the game.
Right back where I need to be.
He works the stage.
He animates the characters.
He makes his material even bigger with his performance.
That's what I like.
I like natural women.
I see a lot of women out here gaining weight, they wanna hide it.
They wanna wear girdles and body magics and body shapers.
I hate when you meet a woman and she's wearing a body shaper, and you give her a hug in the club.
It feels like she got on a bulletproof vest.
Now you scared.
You think somebody gonna kill you.
You meet 'em in the club, they be fine.
Nice breasts, flat stomach, nice booty.
Then you get her home and she take that body shaper off.
And she shaped like an egg.
Feel like, I'm gonna hit it this time, 'cause I like eggs but I'm coming from a very, like, dynamic family.
My mom is so hilarious, man.
She supported me 100%.
She'd never try to tell me, "don't do that.
" So that's why I don't really care about people's opinion.
I got approval from my own mama.
This is nice, man.
I'm really liking this.
I'm from Mississippi.
We don't have nothing like this in Mississippi.
We got one club.
And it's sitting up on concrete blocks.
You can see all the way under the club.
You come out the club, somebody dog done had puppies right under the club.
Terrible part of Mississippi.
I'm from the Mississippi where everybody got a messed-up car in their yard but they won't sell it.
Every time somebody tried to buy it, they'd be like, hell, no, that car run good.
All it need is a motor.
My mom passed on new year's Eve.
My brother called me and told me.
I was on my way to a show.
My brother called me like, "mom died.
" I still gotta go do the show and celebrate new year's Eve.
Like, mentally, that was the hardest thing I ever did.
But that changed me as a comedian, 'cause that let me know that even at my lowest point in my life, however I'm feeling, I can still do it.
It was a great show.
My family is always there, and they got my back no matter what.
So I wanna try to take that and still be funny, and be happy, and see the laughs and smiles on people's faces, and that's my driving force.
Hey, guys! - How'd it go? - It was awesome.
One lady gave birth, her water broke.
- All right.
- The baby came out laughing.
It's just good to be in a room full of people that's healthy.
'Cause TV make you think everybody got AIDS.
I'm sitting at the house.
I saw a commercial that said, one in three people have AIDS.
I'm like, man, there's two people on the couch! Somebody in this house is sick and won't say nothing! I saw another commercial that said, 20% of people who have HIV and AIDS don't even know it.
I'm sitting at home like, well, how the hell they know that then? I'm Rod Man.
This is young Karlous Miller right here.
These shirts, these patterns, we didn't plan none of this at all.
Yeah, this whole Grey-black thing, we didn't.
- I planned it.
- Yeah, see? I went I admit it.
I said, what is Rod Man wearing? Karlous is gifted, talented, all that together.
But you gotta calm him down.
You don't know when he's gonna calm down.
He's just so "rambunct-u-ous.
" Are you not entertained? - Oh, wow.
- Are you not entertained? What makes me different is I don't really like to filter my comedy.
Anything may happen.
I'm impulsive.
This is my career, this is my life, this is what I'm dedicated to so I really wanna just push this to a whole other level.
I wanna win.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
Do you know girls are getting boob jobs for graduation now? Shouldn't that be what you get if you don't graduate? Oh, I heard you failed math.
Here's a couple of "D" s.
Go follow your dreams.
My last job: Nine hard years.
And do you know they fired me for nothing? True story.
After nine years, my boss just gonna walk in my office, wake me up, and tell me to go home and don't never come back.
My marriage was so bad, I used to watch my wedding tape backwards.
Used to watch it in reverse.
Watch me walk out the church.
Used to watch me get my ring off her finger.
Get my deposit money back from them tuxedos.
I'm surprised anybody's attracted to men.
Even women aren't really attracted to us.
That's why when women flash it's called girls gone wild.
When men flash, it's called America's most wanted.
These hairstyles have gotten crazy.
Do you remember when weave was just a little additive, just a little help.
It was just a little help.
If she wanted to go all the way around, and couldn't go all the way around, need a little help.
Now weave has turned into the whole hairstyle.
I was talking to this girl at the mall.
She scratched her head.
Her whole hairstyle came off.
It was crazy.
She was like, "oh, I seen you on TV.
You're crazy as hell.
You stupid, you know that?" We'll be back with more later in the show.
Coming up, a comic with a laid-back style tries to prove that slow and steady can win the race.
You know what's sad? I exercise and I weigh this much.
I gotta work out just to stay kinda fat.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing Room Only.
Now let's take a look at our reigning veteran of the bunch, Rocky Laporte.
Rocky Laporte! From slinging deliveries to slinging jokes, this former truck driver and current grandpa - How are you, honey? - Good.
Has a lifetime of world experience.
Onstage, Rocky portrays a guy who doesn't quite get it.
I had to go to court.
I ended up in front of this judge.
I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
He goes, "do you have counsel?" I'm like, "I got a stick shift.
" But his audiences certainly do.
As a result, Rocky-mania just keeps rolling on.
I really like Rocky Laporte.
He's a real pro.
He's got the material and he's bringing it.
I love animals.
I think my favorite animal's probably, like, shrimp.
You know? Some sharp writing that really takes a left turn in the middle.
And he's so likeable.
The audience was actually chanting my name.
Rocky, Rocky I'm, like, an everyday guy.
Like, a lot of people always come up to me, and they always go, you remind me of my garbage man Frank or you know what I mean? like, this carpenter.
I think I remind people, like everyday people you're like my brother-in-law, he's an idiot.
He said, "what year did you start high school?" I'm like, "freshman year.
" I grew up in Chicago.
Started working on the docks when I was 17.
I wasn't good at other stuff, you know? I was working I was driving a truck, actually, at the time.
And I got held up, and I got shot.
- Did you go? - Mm-hmm, I won.
I'm like, oh, there's got to be an easier way to make money, you know.
And I was bringing home 300 a week, at the time, driving a truck.
That's what emcees were making at that time, 300 a week.
And I go, I'd rather do that and not get shot, you know? Or break your back loading freight.
I hate going to the doctor, you know? They make you fill out those stupid forms.
They're like, "does anything run in your family?" I'm like, "divorce and bad decisions.
And you can throw broken dreams in there too, doc.
" And if you get a prescription, read the side effects.
You ever do that? They actually gave me one, it said, "causes vomiting, dizziness and chest pains.
" Then it said, "if it becomes bothersome" I know.
I like when I'm dizzy.
It keeps my mind off the fact that I'm vomiting and having chest pains.
Well, Rocky, you remind me of Rodney Dangerfield.
He was my idol, yeah.
Before I got started in comedy, my friends and family thought, like, you got a steady job driving a truck.
But the very first time I went on, like, something was happening right then.
And I go, this is like magic.
Like, this is magic.
I saw these city workers putting up a sign that said "bumpy road.
" So I put up a sign next to it.
It said "fix it.
" And I never looked back.
Like, I knew that's what I wanted to do.
When I started out, you know, I had three daughters.
And now I got four kids and ten grandkids, you know? - Have fun with grandpa.
- I got school tomorrow.
So they said they thought you were a character? Yeah, and, like, I get that all the time, like Yeah, me too.
I guess 'cause you have kind of a New York Italian kind of - Yeah.
- He's a good guy.
He's a great comic.
That guy's a beast, you know? - You were you, you know? - Well, thank you.
Even if someone there's another premise out there, it's not gonna do it the way you do it.
Nobody's as dumb as me.
You know, some guys can get up and be a doofus on stage but their jokes have no substance.
All sizzle no steak, you know? But we're talking about a guy who's a sizzling steak out there.
Like, I'm laughing at his voice but I'm also laughing at the words he's saying because they're really funny jokes.
I had to start lifting weights 'cause I wasn't getting the results I wanted from, uh eating pizza.
You know what's sad? I exercise when I weigh this much.
I gotta work out just to stay kinda fat.
You ever date somebody like a couple weeks and you're not even sure how you feel about 'em yet? And then they tell you that they love you? You're like, "hey Good for you!" I was, uh, I was dating this girl for a while, you know.
Sometimes she wants to have sex like two, three times a month.
I know! I'm like, "what am I, a Machine?" Right? Yeah! How you doin', ladies? I, uh She's crazy.
She actually fell down an escalator that was going up.
I know.
It took her like an hour to get to the bottom, and, uh Yeah.
I know.
I know, and we couldn't help, 'cause we were all laughing so much.
See, as soon as he walked out and started talking, I was laughing, and he hadn't even said a joke yet.
I don't think there's no substitute for hard work.
Just put my nose to the grindstone, you know, and bang it out.
I'm becoming a big Rocky Laporte fan.
Thank you very much.
I worked my butt off to get here.
To get here's hard work and to get further is hard work, and that's my strategy.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
I was talking to this fellow the other day.
He was like a college professor.
He's like, "so tell me, sir.
What's your extraction?" I'm like, uh, vanilla.
He's like, "no, what's your nationality?" I said, "I'm Japanese.
" He goes, "you're not Japanese.
You're Asian-American.
" I go, "oh, sorry.
Didn't mean to offend myself.
" I'm sober now.
I used to drink and party a lot.
I used to drink a lot, and then they put a breathalyzer in my car, and I thought, oh Maybe I have a problem.
I had to take my mother-in-law to the airport with a breathalyzer in my car.
She's a very sweet woman from the Midwest.
She didn't know what it was.
She's like, "Dave, thank you so much for taking me to the airport.
" "Not a problem, mom.
Happy to help you out.
" "No, you're a good man.
" "Okay, it's not a big deal.
" "No, you're just a good man for my daughter.
" "Okay, relax.
" "What does that do?" "It starts the car.
" "My car uses keys.
" "This is new.
" "What if it doesn't start when you blow into it?" "Then you're gonna have to blow into it.
" I just learned that my foster mom made $750 a month just to take care of me.
If I had known that as a kid, she would never have been able to punish me.
Like, "Monroe, you been acting up in school.
You can't watch TV for a week.
" Say, "I can't watch TV? Woman, I pay the cable bill!" So I saw a guy.
I said, "sir, baby in a pouch, not safe.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.
Please remove the baby.
" He said, "I'm a firefighter.
I'm an actual firefighter why don't you get outta my face?" I said, "dude, maybe you didn't hear me.
"I'm a volunteer firefighter.
That means I can do your entire job in my spare time.
" I was riding good in the carpool lane one day and a little police no a motorcycle get behind me whrroo, whrroo in a hurry.
I said, man, he is after somebody.
Let me, uh get out the way.
Yeah, I'm trying to get out the way, but he pulls right behind me so I'm like, well, maybe I'm a witness or something.
I don't know what's going on but I'll help him.
He came up to the car and he like, "sir, you can't be in this lane unless you have another occupant in the vehicle.
" But I looked at him and I looked at his motorcycle and I said, "you don't have another occupant on your motorcycle, so" Yeah.
So I was like, "matter of fact, why don't you leave your motorcycle and get in the car with me? And then that way We both will be in compliance.
That's what I'm saying.
" We'll be back with more later in the show.
Up next, we get up close and personal with Nikki Carr.
Fellas think they can only dance with that girl with the flat stomach and the big old behind.
What about the girl with the big stomach and the flat behind? I can't dance with nobody? Welcome back to Last Comic Standing Room Only.
Now the spotlight shifts to the only remaining woman in the competition Nikki Carr.
Energy, charisma, and charm is what Nikki brings to the stage.
Audiences can't help but laugh with her and ultimately can't help but fall for her.
I been this same size since I was seven years old.
This how I looked in all my school pictures looked like two teachers in the class.
Making the most of her first moments in the national spotlight, Nikki is proving to be a survivor and the surprise of the competition.
Nikki Carr is literally like nuclear fusion.
She's just like this ball of energy There should be a DJ back here I need to dance.
- You know what I mean? - Why didn't I bring my headphones? She comes out, she lays everything on the line.
No, I knew when I was a child I was not gonna grow up to be sexy.
There were clues everywhere! Most of my comedy is about me and it's real.
I wish they were jokes But they're not.
And, you know, so it's real and it's me and hopefully they gonna love it and, you know? That's what it is.
I knew I wasn't growing up to be sexy.
I knew I was gonna be handsome, though.
I knew that.
My mother told me every day how handsome my father is and how much I look like him.
Tonight's set was dedicated to Yay-Yay, Aday, Hanif, Dejah, and Big Franny May.
That's my family, my four kids and my Bunny.
17 years ago I said I'm going to just try comedy and I think I can be good enough at it to support my family.
Did good for ten years and then shows slowed down, the bills piled up.
We had no apartment, and we lost everything.
But I could never quit.
Somebody is gonna like Nikki Carr.
Who who doesn't like Nikki Carr? I'll punch 'em in the neck! I love making people laugh.
I always have.
And now I get paid for it again.
And it's all because I have a humorous outlook on life.
And I try to explain to people I don't even eat a lot.
Obviously, my metabolism is dead.
Whatever I eat, I wear the calories.
I don't care what it is it could be gum, ice.
I don't care! So they say, well, change the things that you eat.
Stop eating pork I said stop right there! I love pork! Pork is delicious! I can't just stop.
You not gonna find me a support group, I go through some steps or something? You can't wean me off slowly let me walk around for a couple of months and wear a pork patch? You know what I like about you is that you owned who you are.
- Yes.
- And you let us have it.
- And I, too, love pork.
- Yes! It's delicious! Yeah, you know, Nikki, when you first came out, your rhythm reminded me of Bernie Mac a little bit.
You know, he had such a great attitude, and you have such a great attitude onstage.
- Thank you.
- Week to week, you don't know what she's going to do, but she is an audience favorite for sure because she's so raw and she's so honest that you have to go on a ride with her.
You know what else is ridiculous? Discrimination in this country in 2014.
Men who don't dance with fat girls in the club you know what's discrimination, don't you? I'm in the club, I wanna dance so bad But all the sexy chicks come to the club naked! Fellas think they can only dance with that girl with the flat stomach and the big old behind.
What about the girl with the big stomach and the flat behind? I can't dance with nobody? Big girls got it rough! You have so much power, so much swagger, and you're a great writer.
Nikki Carr is like is like a huge personality and she fills every bit of empty space in the room.
I mean, she's a huge presence.
- I love you, you're great.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I love you back! I'm nothing without the people at home.
I'm nothing without the people in the clubs.
I'm nothing without the people in the audience.
Because of them, I am a comedian.
As long as I'm still here, able to make people laugh, able to make people happy, then It's all worth it.
I've done my job.
Thank you! Thank you! Nikki Carr! Last Comic Standing can take you a lotta places, and I wanna go.
- She could do it, right? - Yeah.
She could.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
Arizona has the most grandparents.
Seriously, like 80% of the tourism is funerals.
This is more of an advertisement.
I'm sorry I have to do this.
My roommate Kurt and his friend Rod just opened a business.
It's online check it out.
Kurt and Rod's curtain rods.
I was dating this girl for a while, you know, and she loved animals and outdoors, and she always wanted to go camping, you know? Said, "let's go camping.
We'll sleep outside.
" I'm like, I don't wanna sleep outside.
That's why I work.
If we do have kids, I don't wanna be one of these parents who are always showing people photos of their children.
It's annoying.
My wife has a friend like that.
She's always showing people pictures of her kid.
Just "look at my kid.
Have you seen my kid? Picture of my kid.
Look at my kid.
Look at my kid.
Picture of my kid.
Have you seen my kid? Look at my kid.
Picture of my kid.
Look at my kid.
" "Relax It's been two years.
You're not gonna find him.
" Aw! Rednecks and gay dudes hate each other.
You can Google that.
Bunch of stuff pops up.
What I've noticed is what they hate more than each other sleeves.
We'll be back with more later in the show.
When we return, meet a finalist with a face you can trust after a thorough background check.
A very attractive woman came up to me on the street and she's like, "do you like to party?" And I'm like, "yeah.
I own three Hawaiian shirts.
" Welcome back to Last Comic Standing Room Only.
Now we focus on a comic who is socially conscious and breadstick aware Joe Machi.
First you see him Then you hear him.
Say, everybody Then you get him, and then he's got you.
The girl I was dating once asked me if I would take a bullet for her.
I'm like, "yes, I-I really want out of this relationship.
" Easily one of the most unique comics we've seen all season, he defies you not to laugh.
Maybe I'll try something a little less edgy.
Watch him tonight.
Quote him tomorrow.
He's Joe Machi.
When I first saw Joe Machi, Keenan and I both looked like, oh, jeez, a character.
Is that how you really are or is that a character? It's how I really am.
I tend to get, uh, really nervous when I'm on stage.
That was his real voice, and, boy, did I feel silly.
And then the jokes just cut sharper and funnier and edgier and wittier and I was like, damn, this guy's good.
Whenever a couple is making out in public, people will holler, "get a room!" To get them to stop.
Although, it's been my experience, they are far more likely to stop if I tell them, "keep going!" I've been doing comedy pretty seriously for about nine years now.
I think my brother and my dad had a stand-up tape when I was a little kid of Jack Benny, and, like, I didn't really understand a lot of the jokes.
I mean, I kinda got it.
But it was just so cool to me, the whole idea of it.
This guy's got "sitcom" written all over him.
Bounty hunter that's what I'm gonna be in the show.
Joe Machi, bounty hunter.
I still work a day job.
I work for human resources.
My ultimate goal in this competition is just to get more people interested in my comedy.
That way, I'll be able to make comedy more than just a thing I do nights and weekends.
Friend said to me, "Joe, I love karaoke so much it's like crack to me because I'm addic7ed to it.
" And I'm like, "also because it ruins the lives of those around you.
" Joe Machi? He's dangerous.
He's a good comic.
He's got his stuff together, and he's a great writer, man, and he brings it.
I'm not very good with the ladies, I I got solicited by a prostitute recently.
The thing is, when a prostitute solicits you they don't always tell you they're a prostitute at first.
So I just think I'm being hit on.
A very attractive woman came up to me on the street and she's like, "do you like to party?" And I'm like, "yeah.
I love to party.
" She's like, "how much do you love to party?" I'm like, "I own three Hawaiian shirts.
" Then she made a face and walked away.
Later I realized that was a prostitute trying to rent me her body for sex and I made her uncomfortable.
I keep waiting for you to just go, "I'm just kidding.
" I swear, I'm gonna follow you out to the car one day.
- Just don't solicit him.
- Yeah.
But I love that this is you.
I think I'm much more gregarious and outgoing now than I ever was before I did Stand-up full-time, because it kinda forces you to.
It forces you to talk to girls.
It forces you to talk to the cool kids, you know? It forces you to do things that you wouldn't normally do, and that's usually a good thing.
My gay friend said to me, "Joe, you could never understand what it's like having to tell your parents you are gay.
" And I responded, "you don't have to be gay to tell your parents you are gay.
" So I told my parents I was gay.
Then I told my gay friend, "you'll never know what it's like telling your parents you are gay then telling them you're not really gay.
Then your dad's like, 'I think you were right the first time.
'" Joe Machi really blew my mind with the level of writing, and we all talked about how we liked that unassuming delivery that he brought with it.
It was very complementary and different.
We hadn't seen anything like that before.
That's Joe Machi! My only strategy really is to just always be myself.
If I fail, I should fail because I I did what I thought was the best thing to do for me.
Also I could tell the producers that the other contestants smoke drugs, which is against the rules.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
Celery's actually classified as a negative calorie food.
There are two calories in one stick of celery.
But if you eat it, it takes your body ten calories to process it.
You could kill yourself eating celery.
Comedy's the best gig ever.
I used to work as a janitor.
I remember one day I was mopping the floor and a businessman slipped.
And he goes man, if the floor's wet, you gotta put a sign down.
" I'm like "I'm mopping in front of you.
" Hmm.
"I am the sign, all right? You know the little guy on the sign doing this? That's me, but in 3D, all right?" I really enjoy the prescription drug commercials.
They got one it's my favorite.
It's for home use catheters.
For women.
Right, ladies? Finally! Glass ceiling shattered.
They got a number you can call at the end, and if you call it, you get six free catheters to try out.
With prescription only.
You know, to stop all the recreational catheter users.
Have you ever talked to a teenage girl? It's very fast.
It's very Yah! It comes in very rapid! "Yah! Yah! You don't even know, you don't even know! You don't even know!" It's always code red, too.
It's always, "oh, my God!" Everything is, "oh, my God! "Oh, my God, that guy just got shot in the face! Oh, my God, I can't find my charger!" Same.
Same.
They're the same! Found out that I can't eat rat poison.
Yeah.
I am rat poison-intolerant.
Paramedic told me.
Said, "stop eating rat poison, Tim," so I quit.
It was tough.
Had to go on the patch.
Thank God for the patch.
It saved my life.
They got a patch for everything these days.
You wanna quit smoking, they have a patch.
No birth control, they have a patch.
Yeah, if you got an eye missing We'll be back with more later in the show.
Coming up next, a finalist that shares his pain for our pleasure.
He's Monroe Martin.
To this day, I look back "what the hell do I need queen-size pantyhose for?" Welcome back to Last Comic Standing Room Only.
We now spotlight a finalist whose humor fosters a lot of good will Monroe Martin.
If good comedy comes from tragedy, then Monroe delivers some great comedy.
Monroe has brought the pain and delivered a lot of laughs.
Foster care is a program where they take children from homes where they're being abused and neglected, take them out of that environment and place them in the same exact environment.
The first time I saw Monroe Martin, it really kind of affected me on a emotional level just because I was really listening to his story.
My mom would steal and bring me with her, but I never knew I was doing anything wrong because she made it fun.
There was this little game we played called "hold this.
" To this day I look back like, what the hell did I need queen-size pantyhose for? For me, it kind of epitomized what comedy really is, it's like this guy has this horrific upbringing, and he's standing on stage talking about it, and we're all laughing.
You brought the pain and you showed us how you lived through it, you showed us how you survived it, and you put it way in the past by laughing it out of existence.
It was great.
Making people laugh got me through a lot of rough times in my childhood.
My first bit of material had a little bit more darkness to it.
I told them about growing up in foster care, but it was still like, this dude's is kind of charming with it.
I got a younger sister.
She's 18 years old.
She got mad at me 'cause I didn't show up to her baby shower.
I only didn't come to her baby shower 'cause she didn't plan on having the kid, so when she invited me I said, "no, I can't come, 'cause I don't celebrate mistakes.
" I made a lot of mistakes in life.
Never got a party for 'em.
I've never heard, "hey, man, you three months behind on your rent.
Surprise!" I'm not jaded by my childhood.
It's just, be funny.
That's what you can do.
Like I just learned how to be goofy.
People wanna be intimidated, but then when I show them, like, the softer, goofier side, they're like, oh, crap! Like, "I wanna hang out with this guy.
" - I miss the smell.
- What, pee? - No, New York.
- Oh.
- Well, some of it's pee.
- Well, a lot of it's pee.
That's New York.
It's just piss It's just piss and struggle.
If you could just, like, sum up Monroe's personality, he always he up for something fun.
I'm about to buy some rims and some gold for my teeth.
You don't have a car.
You don't have a car.
Monroe's got such a a jolly soul that he's he's fun to be around even in a stressful situation.
One of the problems working with kids is you have to be intimidating in order to get their respect.
I do not possess that quality.
I don't have the face of authority.
I have the face of a gigantic child.
Some of y'all can't get past this height get rid of this height I'm freaking adorable.
Monroe, you know, it's funny.
I'm glad that you, uh, talked about lookin' like a baby.
You do you look I believe you were this size at six and But your material this time you gave us the lighter side, which was just as much fun as the other side of you.
Hey, wait a minute.
Monroe, I kinda think I'm a little adorable my damn self, so, uh, you wanna have an adorable contest right now before you leave, uh, you know - Let's do it.
- What's your best? - Gimme your best, baby.
- Best? Oh! Whoo! I'm bashful! Whoo! That's Monroe damn Martin right there! What will set me apart from the competition is that you can clearly see that I'm enjoying myself.
I don't have anything to lose.
I have everything to gain.
So I'm having as much fun as possible.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
People get very upset when you make fun of religion.
Some woman even came up to me after a show.
She got right in my face and she said, "you know, some day you are gonna meet your maker!" And I said, "well, good, 'cause there's a customer service moment I been waiting for for a long time!" What'd you do, cobble me together out of leftover parts? I think the angels threw me together on a Friday before a long weekend, and they were like, "all right, what do we have left? What do we have left? Let's see.
"We got a lazy eye, bipolar.
"Hey, this'll be fun.
Let's make her gay.
"Should we give her a sense of humor?" "Well, we better, 'cause we're out of boobs.
" And for those who don't know, Roots is like Star Wars for black folks.
Ah! It's a rite of passage, except we don't have the conventions, you know.
My ex-boyfriend he calls me crazy.
He calls me crazy.
I was a little crazy but not the way he thinks I'm crazy.
You know, what he thought was crazy that's what I'm supposed to do.
Like, I ain't crazy 'cause I called the cops on him.
I'm crazy 'cause I bailed him out the next day.
I ain't crazy 'cause I keyed the car.
I'm crazy 'cause it was my car.
I feel like he was asking me to be crazy, and he didn't know he was asking me to be crazy.
Like, if I walk in the house and you're having sex with somebody else, you're basically saying, "Zainab, burn the house down!" I was walking through the park the other day.
I see this old man doing Tai Chi.
I'm like, that's cool.
Then I look closer.
It's not an old man doing Tai Chi.
It's one of those heroin guys that never falls over.
I love my kids, man.
We'll have game nights and stuff like that.
I role-play when we play Monopoly too.
Like, I'm a slumlord when we play Monopoly.
I don't smoke in real life, but when we play Monopoly, I smoke Newports.
Gotta get into the character.
Like, all that little, low-budget property between "go" and the jailhouse, that's all me.
We'll be back with more later in the show.
Coming up, a finalist who proves that comedy can come in tall packages.
I would love to try to call in gay for work.
Hey, it's me.
I'm not gonna make it in today.
Welcome back to the Last Comic Standing Room Only.
And now our top eight spotlight focuses on the thin man, Lachlan Patterson.
Audiences love and dogs adore this professional dog walker.
Keenen Ivory Wayans may have compared Lachlan's looks to a mannequin, but there's nothing artificial about this comic's wit.
My favorite food is buffet.
With his well-crafted jokes, this tall drink of water makes his audience think hard and laugh harder.
Imagine if they put waiters in buffet restaurants, trying to intercept you on your trip up there.
"What can I get for you?" "The hell out of my way.
" Lachlan is he's smarty-pants.
You know, he has that wry sense of humor.
He's very sarcastic and very funny.
People still think that homosexuality is like a sickness.
Some people do, anyway, like a curable disease, which is really sad.
It's too bad, though, they didn't find out it was a sickness, 'cause I would love to try to call in gay for work.
Wouldn't that wouldn't that be great if that was an option? Just if you didn't feel like going in that day and you ran out of excuses, just to be able to pick up the phone Hey, it's me.
I'm not gonna make it in today.
Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
I am feeling super gay.
I I don't think I can come in all week.
This this definitely doesn't feel like the 24-hour gay.
I I woke up this morning in a mesh tank top.
It's serious.
Your joke construction is really good.
- Thank you.
- Your set was very enjoyable.
I think you're in it.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's fun for me to see a guy like that I've known him since he started 15 years ago and to see what he's become, and you're just like, wow, that's really impressive.
Thanks, bro.
And you've crafted a great set for this show.
Congratulations.
Thanks, bro.
Appreciate it.
- I knew Russell - Uh-huh.
But I didn't think he knew me.
And at the end, he's like, "I've been watching you progress.
" - Yeah.
- And I was like, "what?" Yeah.
How are you watching me from Dubai? But he's been watching me.
I grew up in Vancouver, British Columbia.
I had a great childhood.
My parents and my sister and I lived together in a good neighborhood.
I am the most normal comedian you've ever met.
Come on, guys.
Who ate all the kale? I've been doing stand-up comedy for 15 years, but nobody was really giving me a break.
I'm a Canadian, so I don't really have a lot of knowledge of your national anthem.
First of all, I don't like that at all.
Okay, sorry.
Clubs stopped booking me.
Nobody knew who I was.
People would come to my comedy shows for comedy, and at the end of the show, they'd be like, "man, that guy was funny.
What was his name? I don't care.
" Nothing.
Now that I made it on Last Comic Standing, people are finally starting to notice me and what I do and the hard work I put in.
Yeah! The blue-eyed bandit! The blue-eyed bandit! I really like Lachlan too because he's very different.
His material takes a left turn when you think he's gonna go right.
I enjoy watching him to see just how he's gonna bring it home.
I guess I don't have trouble meeting women because I look like a mannequin.
But I suck at breaking up with them, man.
I just don't understand your language.
Last girl that I broke up with kept my George Foreman, man.
It was the worst.
I had the original.
Judging by the design, I could tell old Georgie wasn't a communicator himself.
He just walked into that pitch meeting: "Put it on an angle, and put it in a box.
" "Hang on, George.
How about, like, an on and off switch?" "No, plug it in, and it's on.
Make it hot on the outside.
Get it in a box.
" "How about a thermostat with different temperatures?" "No, one temperature, 500 degrees.
Get it in a box.
" "How about make the grill removable to put it in the dishwasher?" "No, glue it to the frame.
Make the frame too big to put in the sink.
Get it in a box.
" I liked your opening line.
Thank you.
I stole it from you.
I know.
You're kissing the judge's ass now.
I was a little bit.
Where I'm at right now, it's just not enough yet.
I still have to finish this thing.
I know a lot of people, including myself, are counting on me to do the best I can, and it's just not over yet.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing season eight.
I heard if you see a wolf, you're not supposed to smile.
Takes the teeth as a sign of aggression.
Yeah, I don't know who sees a wolf and goes I have a 17-year-old daughter.
I love her, but I don't like her that much.
She came home to me the other day and told me she had a bully.
I said, "what you have is a year to do something about it before it's a felony.
That's what you have.
" Tried online dating.
I joined one of those sites.
I paid $120.
I met the worst human being I've ever met in my entire life.
I was like, yeah, I'm pretty sure I could've met this dude outside a liquor store for free, right? I'm not gay, but according to the people I'm close to, I am very gay-looking, which is Which sucks kind of 'cause I can't do a lot of things straight-looking people get to do, man.
Never get to eat an ice cream cone the way I really want to, right? What? What? Come on.
I like to be out here in California, man.
Y'all got a lot of things we don't have in the south.
Like, y'all got real Hispanic people.
Like, not the ones that was born in America, the ones who woke up Saturday and was like, "mm, let's go to America.
" Those are my favorite people.
I was riding around earlier.
I saw an accident.
Two Mexican guys they rear-ended each other, right? Rear-end.
I'm thinking they're gonna get out the car, call the insurance, like regular people.
Don't you know these dudes get out the car and start fixing each other's car? Coming up next, we've teased you long enough.
The top ten funniest jokes of the season so far.
There were clues everywhere.
And later, a preview of next episode's talk show challenge.
Not just any talk show.
I'm talking about a big hit talk show.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing Room Only.
And now without further ado, the best ten jokes of last comic standing season eight.
I knew when I was a child I was not gonna grow up to be sexy.
There were clues everywhere.
I've been this same size since I was seven years old.
True story, this is how I looked in all my school pictures.
Looked like two teachers in the class.
If they did design video games for women, they'd have some advantages, like like, if you screwed up, the game would just let you keep playing.
But it'd never let you forget what you did wrong earlier.
Oh, no.
No.
Could you imagine Oprah Winfrey in the underground rail road? "If you look under your chairs Freedom! You get a map! You get a map! You get a map!" Foster care is a program where they take children from homes that are being abused and neglected.
They take them out of that environment and place them in the same exact environment.
I was in orange county yesterday, you know, and I went to the zoo.
You ever been there? Uh, what a piece of crap that place is.
They got, like, four birds and a squirrel.
You ever been in there? They don't even have good animals.
There was like a lizard or something ran by.
I'm like, "what the hell's that?" Guy goes, "that's not ours.
" They had a sign in the bathroom.
It said, "no smoking or eating.
" Who the hell is gonna eat in the bathroom at a zoo? Be like, "hey, the zoo don't smell bad enough.
Let's grab a snack in the John.
" I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.
I went online to become a private detective.
It was a private detective school online, and I paid online.
And I never heard from them again.
I thought to myself, I either got ripped off, or this is my first case.
I ordered a pizza, and on the box, it said, "9/11.
Never forget.
" And forgive me for being preachy for just a moment, but I think that's just what the terrorists would want for us to continue to be sad, remembering that terrible day.
Then I realized They forgot my breadsticks.
Aah! How about never forgetting my breadsticks? Put that on the box.
What the hell is wrong with people? My last flight, this woman gets on the plane with a cat.
And the cat has this little, orange vest on it that says "therapy cat.
" I don't know what that is.
I've never seen one before.
I'm going, is that where we're at as a species? "I can't get through my day without my therapy cat.
He he calms me down!" Yeah, I get it, lady.
Being a grown-up sucks.
You don't think we all want something furry to pet when things get hairy? But you're on an airplane, you lunatic, and if the nine prescription pill bottles in your purse ain't getting you there, I hardly think the therapy cat's gonna take you over the top.
Look Does this mean, next time I fly, I can bring my companion, drinky-time squirrel? Yeah, he keeps me company, so I don't have to drink alone.
I mean, he doesn't have a vest, but he is wearing a tank top that says, "spring break '98.
" I don't know who started this little program where you check yourself out, but That is not what I'm trying to do.
I'm a shopper.
I came in as a shopper.
I want to leave as a shopper, but, uh, yeah.
'Cause they trick you to be an employee and get on the clock that day.
You don't really have yeah, you're not ready to be a worker at a grocery store, you don't yeah, you don't have no kind of qualifications at all, but the lady tricked me.
She's like, "there's no waiting over here, sir.
" And, you know, I go over there, and she just walked the hell away.
And I was like, "whoa.
" I was like like, "where are you going, ma'am? Where are you going?" And she was like, "you can check yourself out.
" And I was like, "but I don't work here.
I shouldn't have to do that at all.
" You know, I yeah, I was like, "these are my clothes.
These are my clothes right here.
These are" but she felt like I was qualified, so I say, what the hell? Turn on my light.
I guess I'm open.
I guess I'm open.
After the break, the countdown culminates with the number one joke of the season, and you'll get a preview of our eight finalists in action A tall, dark man with big forehead.
I'm a delight.
You ever seen the movie welcome home, Roscoe Jenkins? So I guess you could say I got fired from that job for eating the garbage.
As they compete in a brand-spanking-new challenge episode.
So in this challenge, we want to see how you guys handle the pressure of being a talk show guest.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing Room Only.
At last, the moment of truth.
You've counted along at home.
You know it's time for the number one joke of the season.
I hate racism.
That is why I think there is only one good use for the n-word.
That is for my bank password Because I would never blurt that out to anyone.
Even if I were being robbed by a black man And he were to say, "dude, give me your password" I would be like, "I can't.
I would turn this robbery into a homicide.
" Here now is an exclusive first look at our next challenge episode.
It's a biggie.
Welcome to the last comic standing work space at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club.
One thing that comedians often do is appear on talk shows, so in this challenge, we want to see how you guys handle the pressure of being a talk show guest and not just any talk show.
I'm talking about a big hit talk show.
The Ellen Degeneres Show.
Mm.
When J.
B.
Came out and said that Ellen's gonna be a part of this, I was like, "this is awesome.
" I'm excited about this challenge.
One of the best talk shows hosted by one of the best comedians of all time, my girl Ellen.
The Ellen Degeneres.
I'm gonna go on her show.
Unbelievable.
Each one of you will be preinterviewed by a producer from Ellen's show.
Based on how well your preinterview goes, the producer will select three of you to be interviewed by Ellen on her set in front of her live studio audience.
Ellen's studio audience will choose the winner.
That comic will receive immunity in the next head-to-head show.
The challenge today is you have to do a preinterview for the Ellen show.
And if your interview is good, they'll put you on Ellen.
My instant thought was, damn, I'm not good in interviews.
Every time I went out for a phone interview, they always say, "well, we'll keep your information on file.
" To help you through this process is one of the most popular talk show guests ever, Ms.
Wanda Sykes! Now, Wanda's gonna guide you through the preinterview process, 'cause being America's favorite talk show guest, she knows how to score points with the audience.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi.
- Hey, Wanda.
- Everybody's good? Good.
I'm here to help you guys get ready for Ellen.
I've done this several times, the talk show circuit, especially on Ellen, so I advise you to maybe listen.
So line up and bend over.
I just want to make sure in the preinterview that she's hearing you, that she's getting it.
You're so fast, and, you know, you got this.
And you get excited, but so if you see you're losing her, then just clarify.
- Okay, got you.
All right.
- Okay? All right.
My wife and my children love Ellen.
She's been trying to get on 12 days of Christmas for, like, four years.
So they sent in a video, but I don't know where the tape went.
Five five, six, seven, eight.
Well This is stupid.
So I'd be the man around my crib if I get on Ellen.
Get a lot of brownie points.
- Couple questions for you.
- Okay.
I'm not as conversationally funny as some of these guys.
So does she respond if we squeeze in a couple characters into the, like - of course, of course.
- That's cool? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't hold back.
- Okay.
I'm a little nervous about this challenge.
It's really pushing me out of my comfort zone.
You know, sketch, you know, I can do a character and throw it out there.
This is, like, really new to me.
When you get on this phone, she wants to know your material.
She wants material.
- She wants material.
- Okay.
They're only taking three, but if they pick three of them, they're gonna have to take four.
I'm going.
I'm going.
Okay.
Time's up.
One by one, you will step into an interview room and do a phone interview with Ellen's producer.
Lachlan, you're gonna go first.
No "good luck"? No - Good luck, man.
- Come on, man.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Good luck, Lachlan.
Hi, Leslie.
This is my first-ever preinterview, and this is the first time in ten years I've been on a home phone, so it's exciting.
"I see in your future a tall, dark man with big forehead.
" I'm like, "that's my reflection.
" Before that, I sold fried chicken.
The rules were impossible to follow.
So I guess you could say I got fired from that job for eating the garbage, yeah.
And the school bit, I have a lot of jokes in there.
Oh, yeah? I got a bit about, like, that I took my kids to the - tell it.
Do it.
- Oh.
You ever seen the movie welcome home, Roscoe Jenkins? Yeah.
I got three older brothers.
People are always saying, my poor mother, when I tell them that, but I'm a delight.
- Great job.
- Okay, that was the first one.
Welcome back, Roscoe Jenkins.
Welcome back, Roscoe Jenkins.
So I bet you all are wondering who made the cut to be Ellen's guest.
Our first guest is one of the finalists on this season of NBC's Last Comic Standing.
Please welcome