8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s09e01 Episode Script
David Walliams, Jonathan Ross, Joe Lycett and Isy Suttie
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Jon Richardson, David Walliams, Joe Lycett, Jonathan Ross, Isy Suttie, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers, and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the opposite of nowadays for times gone past is thenadays? And the term for something completely forgotten is The Saturdays.
Three billion is the number of times a person's heart will beat in their lifetime, although mine is one less than that, because it skipped a beat when I first met David Walliams.
And a sextant is an instrument used for measuring the angular distance between objects, whereas a sex-tent is what a scoutmaster takes camping.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE Jon says he loves all sports, except swimming.
Fair enough, those cardigans can get heavy when they're wet.
And joining Jon tonight is Joe Lycett.
APPLAUSE When he was a child, Joe used to regularly sit in the front garden and sing to the flowers, in an act described by local bullies as "inspiring".
- I did actually do that.
- What did you sing? I used to sing Gustav Holst's The Planets.
I thought you were going to say that.
What are the words to Jupiter? Da da da da da It's just "da-das".
- What age were you when you were doing this? - About 22.
Up against them this evening - it's special guest team captain David Walliams.
APPLAUSE David once mooned Simon Cowell.
Witnesses still can't agree which was the biggest arsehole.
- And David's team-mate, Jonathan Ross.
- Ooh! APPLAUSE Jonathan was awarded an OBE in 2005, which just goes to show how hard it is to take back an OBE.
- We're on the same team.
- I know, but it's true.
- No! David, what's the best way to seduce David Walliams? Invite him to Manchester for a recording of a panel show that you're hosting.
Yep, Manchester, got it.
Later on, invite him back for drinks, - at your hotel.
- Holiday Inn, yep.
And give me a cake very soon after sex.
- A cake? - A cake, either during or after.
Your mouth will be full.
APPLAUSE Jonathan, you were branded the worst celebrity contestant ever on The Great Comic Relief Bake-Off.
Well, thanks for just bringing it up and not even asking a question.
That was Do you think you're going to do any better this evening? Look, just because I didn't set out to bake stuff which was pretty and edible - does that make me a bad cook? I don't think so.
I was colouring outside the lines.
- There's no cooking tonight, is there, Jimmy? - I don't think so.
Well, then I fail to see how it's relevant.
- And you're pretty good at Countdown, right? - No, I'm OK.
I'm all right with the words, I'm useless with the numbers.
- That's where I come in.
- Yeah.
- Numbers.
I can't believe you're good at maths.
Yeah, I can count to 100, easy.
All in one go? I take breaks.
I don't know if the mics picked up the sound of me shitting my pants there.
Jon, if you had 24 hours to live, what would you do? Do you know something I don't know? I don't know, if I had 24 hours to live.
My tidying's all done, so Are you ready at any point? I think, yeah, that's secretly what it's about.
Get everything tidy, and then you can die.
I mean, it's a busy time period for the Sky+ memory at the moment, so I would like to get that, ideally, up to 100% before I died.
You don't want to leave someone to do that, to have to delete "Is he going to watch "these Countryfiles, or did he just?" "I think he was the kind of guy that watched" Where are you currently on your Sky memory? - What's your current figure? - My wife's home a lot, - so we currently have below 30% memory, and - Wow.
.
.
usually in that situation, I don't leave the house.
You must have so much fun.
She's a lucky lady, with an itchy trigger finger.
Channel 5, Babies Make You LOL.
I mean, not on the evidence they have shown so far.
Joe, this is your first time on Cats Does Countdown as - a player.
- Yes.
- How do you think you're going to do? - Badly.
Because I'm not very good at spelling, and I'm not very good at maths.
- But you've been with Susie on numerous occasions.
- I have, - but I don't - Did she teach you nothing? Well, she taught me lots, but it hasn't stuck.
The reason I wanted to avoid Dictionary Corner is, the last couple of times I've been in Dictionary Corner, clips of my performances have ended up on lad-based Facebook pages.
LAD Bible, UNILAD, ChavLad.
And whilst I am an absolute lad, as you know OI-OI! More like a choking seal.
How do YOU do it? Well, I would sort of differentiate between the two - "oi"s, so ideally you want a little pause.
- OK.
OI! OI! - Or, a good one is the, - HIGH-PITCHED: "ooey, ooey.
" - HIGH-PITCHED: "Ooey, ooey.
" - There you go.
Straight to Ibiza with you, young man.
So, the last time you were in Dictionary Corner, you ended up on lads' sites? I consider myself to be quite laddy, but the people commenting on ChavLad don't think I'm that laddy.
Right.
So, basically, somebody that talks like me on ChavLad gets the sort of response that you would get if you go to a dinner party and say, "What do you think of Brexit?", and then open a box of wasps.
So I'm trying to go under the radar.
- Have you got a mascot this evening, Joe? - Yes, I have.
So, one thing Every time I've been on this show, I always feel like that clock goes quickly, and I don't trust it.
But who I do trust is Pam St Clement.
And this is a clock that I have in my bedroom, and I trust it with my life, so I'll be using Pam as the timer.
Rather than GMT, it's PST - Pam St Clement time.
I didn't realise how sort of cat-like she looked.
Yeah, I mean, at 25 to 6, she starts to look a bit French.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, I've checked the Countdown rules, cos obviously, two unknown elements here, I didn't know how good you were going to be.
There's no rule against receiving help from the dead, so I've brought in a ouija board.
I just think, "What could possibly go wrong?" So, at various points tonight, I may go into a trance-like state, and hopefully we'll get a bit of action.
It's got all the classic symbols on it - the letters, the numbers, the sun and the moon, for when it's bedtime.
You need a ghost to tell you.
And then when they've finished, they're polite - they just say "goodbye," the ghosts.
Cos it takes a long time to spell "cheerio".
- OK.
David, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have.
It's a close friend of mine.
It's a very special lady in my life.
She's like a kind of mother to me.
She's very kindly agreed to come on the show and be my mascot.
Ladies and gentlemen - Her Majesty the Queen.
APPLAUSE RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS No direct questions, please, because it costs more if she talks, OK? Just come and Jonathan, make some room.
- She hasn't come for my OBE, has she? - Can you sit? Go on the stool.
You sit here, my love.
- In you go, Your Majesty.
- Beautiful.
You look younger than you do on the stamps.
Again, I said, it's extra if she talks, so it's best You can make comments, but don't ask direct questions.
- Say nothing if Charles isn't going to get it when you die.
Oh, dear.
David, how long have you known the Queen? Since I swum the Channel.
That's when I first met her.
- Wow.
Yes.
- I swum the Channel.
If she met you then, you don't have to tell her that now.
That's when you met her, apparently.
I met you, do you remember? We met, and I'd swum the Channel.
I got invited to Buckingham Palace, and I met Her Majesty there, and then we became friends, and we talk on the phone most nights.
We text, and stuff.
- Do you two hang out together? - Oh, yeah.
Well, she'll just say, "Come over, I've got a movie.
"Let's just have pizza and watch Pretty Woman," that kind of thing, and we spoon sometimes, as well.
Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty the Queen.
- Thank you very much.
- APPLAUSE RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS Very down to earth.
Jonathan, have you got a mascot? I've brought a mascot in.
This isn't the mascot, in actual fact, this is to demonstrate the mascot.
I should explain why I have this item with me, because hopefully it's going to bring me luck, not just this evening, but in the future.
We're redecorating our house at the moment, because all my children have left home - I'm that age now - and when the kids leave, they take a lot of their stuff with them, but they didn't take any of their pets, so we've now got something like seven dogs, five cats, two snakes, one pig, and a lot of fish, and the cats have got territorial with each other, and one of them is pissing everywhere.
He is just pissing everywhere.
He's spraying everywhere.
It's clearly a protest.
He even got on the duvet and pissed on the duvet while I was in the bed the other night.
And then he went round the corner, lifted his tail up, and he pissed directly into an unused plug, and fused the power on the whole floor.
He was still pissing - smoke was coming out behind him.
I was kind of hoping the electricity would go up the stream of piss, and kill the little fucker, but it didn't.
- So we got a cat psychologist in.
- Of course, yeah.
She said, "You know what the problem is? "Your cat's pissing everywhere.
" That was about what we got for our money.
So my wife went online and found another possible solution, which I've brought with me, and this is my good luck thing - it's a cat nappy.
- You've seen these before.
- Of course I have, yes.
- I'm wearing one right now.
- But the thing is Is this a genuine thing you can buy? Yes, it is, but the weird thing is I've read the booklet on it.
It's trickier than it looks.
You've read the booklet in a hurry, by the looks of things.
- Yes.
- I think you need that bit down.
- Just get away from it! - That bit down like that.
- What's wrong with you? You're such a control freak.
We are not going to get on tonight, I can tell.
JOE: I'm weirdly aroused.
There it is, Jimmy, I've put it on successfully.
Ladies and gentleman, Jonathan's cat nappy.
APPLAUSE - OBE! - Jonathan Ross, OBE! - OBE! - Services to broadcasting.
I didn't have to swim a foot, and I got one.
APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Isy Suttie.
APPLAUSE Isy used to work in the Oddbins call centre in Hull, which, for many people in Hull, is the fourth emergency service.
What's your best ever holiday, Isy? Probably when I went skiing when I was about ten and my sister was about six, and my mum's always been a bit of a skinflint, and she didn't want to buy salopettes, because she thought we might only go skiing once, so she made us ski suits out of '60s duvets.
Which she sprayed with a waterproof spray, and then she got us to lie on them and drew round us in magic marker, and then sewed it.
Me and my sister were small, so we got the same on our fronts and our backs, but my dad, cos he was bigger, got a brown and white one for the front, and then a yellow one for the back.
Is there a photo of that anywhere? - Is there evidence of this? - No, it's so My mum doesn't believe in looking back, so she doesn't really take any photos.
- She doesn't believe in looking back? - No.
She's killed a lot of cats in the driveway, hasn't she? OK, and with Isy this evening, it's Susie Dent, of course.
APPLAUSE Susie's been the resident lexicographer in Dictionary Corner since 2003, so think again before you start moaning on about how shit YOUR life is.
Susie, David's new to the show.
Any advice for him? Well, you say you're a maths guru, but you're also brilliant at words.
We genuinely love David's books in our house, and he has this brilliant thing where does "made up word alerts," very often on a page, and he has brilliant words like "chocolated" and "huggiest" and "gruesomeist.
" There's bumboy, isn't there? Bumboy's in one of them.
- I don't think he made that one up.
Bumboy is a thing.
- Yeah.
I think it's a different thing in David's books.
- It may well be a different thing, but trust me, it's a thing.
What does bumboy mean, David? In the story Billionaire Boy, the boy's father gets really rich, because he invents a type of toilet roll which is wet on one side and dry on the other, and he gets bullied at school, - and one of the things he's called is bumboy.
- Bumboy.
We've all been called it for various different reasons.
OK, and in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE "Rachel is in charge of all the letters and numbers," is a sentence that makes her sound way more important than she is.
It says here you're a rubbish driver.
Is that true? Not too bad, but the first time my dad took me out in my car - I had The Inbetweeners yellow go faster Cinquecento Sporting - and I drove it into a bush.
So, if you'd say that's a bad driver, then Yeah, that's quite bad, yeah.
OK, tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown Scuba Set.
Right, OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
Time for the first game.
David and Jonathan, you get the first pick of the letters.
Vowel.
Consonant.
Vowel, consonant, consonant, vowel.
- O! N, E, U.
A vowel.
I Consonant.
X - Vowel? - Vowel.
E Can we start again? They're terrible letters.
- You picked them.
- I think we need another consonant.
P And another consonant.
- And another one.
R OK, and your time starts now.
EXHALES LOUDLY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I got seven.
Pam hasn't finished yet.
- Jonathan, how many have you got? - Seven.
- David? Five, but I'm not sure it's a real word.
Oh, mine's not a real word, but I've got seven.
- Joe? - Five.
- And Jon? WE have a six.
- And who did you do this with? - I'm not sure who it is.
I was getting the word "die" a lot.
Angry fella, I like him.
- OK, David, let's have your five.
- RUIXO.
- RUIXO? - R-U-I-X-O.
- Yeah, I know how to spell RUIXO, yeah.
What does it mean? What's the definition of RUIXO? It's a type of hat, erm .
.
worn by people with cold heads.
"You got your RUIXO on today?" "Yes, I have.
" You know, all of that.
We're just going to double-check it's in the - dictionary, but I think that's five.
- RUIXO.
- RUIXO.
I told you he was great at these made-up words.
- Sadly, it is made-up.
- That's not fair, is it? - No, I'm sorry.
- OK, Joe, what's your five? - RIPEN.
- RIPEN.
- Oh, that's a good one.
OK, Jon, what's your six? Well, as I said, they kept saying "die," and I asked, when I go deep, "What do you mean?", and they said, "expire".
- EXPIRE is there for six.
- But that's You were helped by the undead, so it's bound to be good.
Check the rule book, mate.
There is nothing in it about being helped by the undead, so no, fair enough, that counts, OK.
- And Jonathan, your seven.
- UNPOXER.
- Someone who sees a pox and takes it away.
- Unpoxes it.
It's a very old word for a doctor.
- Medieval word.
- You'd go, "Get thee to an UNPOXER.
" - Susie, is UNPOXER in there? - It is not in the dictionary.
- Well, that's a bad dictionary.
That's all I'm saying.
I think it's probably in a historical dictionary.
- - Yes, exactly.
That's what I'm saying.
- Medieval dictionary.
How old are you, Jonathan? Me and Chaucer used to go drinking and then visit the UNPOXER straight afterwards.
So that's six points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Isy, Susie, could they have done any better? There is a seven.
- It's PIONEER.
- Oh.
Oh, so close! OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Joe are in the lead with 6.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top and four from the bottom, please.
- OK, we've got 7.
- Right.
- 6.
9, 8.
50, and 100.
JOE CHEERS LADDISHLY It's your only job, Rachel.
It's your It's literally your only job, is to put the numbers up.
- Let's swap it.
- You can't swap it.
- Well, that's easy anyway.
Everyone's got that one.
Right, well, press the button again.
- OK.
- JONATHAN: I've got it.
Here we go.
- All right.
- There you go.
883, OK, and your time starts now.
It's easy, this one.
I've got it.
So the target was 883.
Did you get it, Jonathan? Hold on, I thought I had it, but did they change the top number? Yes.
LAUGHTER Why did you change the top number? Because it was too easy, so we said, "We're going to change the number.
" - What do you mean, "it's too easy?" - But I got that one.
- I was really excited.
- You got 136? - Yeah, and then I relaxed.
How can this be fair? You go on about the rules, "Oh, the rules, the rules, the rules.
" Don't change the fucking rules, then! I got it! - David, did you get it? - I got 4,993.
Well, that's better than 883.
Yeah, well, it's closer than 136.
Yeah.
Joe, did you get it? No, I got 823, but - Jon, did you get it? - I got 882.
I feel like I would have got it if there had been a 7 up there, but that's just the way life is sometimes.
OK, Jon, how did you get 882? 8 - 6 is 2.
Away from the 100 is 98.
And times by 9.
Yeah, well done.
I got that too.
APPLAUSE Could it be done? You could have done it.
You could say 100+50, 150.
- Yeah, obviously.
Times by 6 is 900, and then take away the 8 and 9.
- - Oh.
- APPLAUSE Seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - David and Jonathan have no points.
- Yes! - Jon and Joe are on 13.
- I feel upset.
- APPLAUSE And here is your teaser - the words are WET GROIN, the clue is "can be pretty imposing.
" That's WET GROIN, "can be pretty imposing.
" See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were WET GROIN, the clue was - can be pretty imposing.
It was, of course, TOWERING.
So, Jon and Joe are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, - but this game is just for David and Jon.
- Oh.
So, David, your turn to choose the letters.
Vowel.
I Consonant.
Consonant.
S Vowel.
A It's a-aa-aa .
.
bum boy! Consonant.
N Consonant.
D Vowel.
O Two more const-onant-stants.
And N OK, and your time starts now.
Oh.
Nice.
Made a little doll's house.
I've got Rachel's room.
She's got loads ofshe's got loads of pictures of me.
And that'sthat's David's room, but I'mI'm in bed with you, because - it just saves on the heating bill.
- Yeah.
And then, Jon, you're just in the kitchen on your own, tidying up.
And, Susie, you've just got a stripper pole in your room.
Spinning around on the pole.
Erm, David, how many have you got? I've got a one.
- A one-letter word? - A one-letter word.
Jon, how many? Well, this is definitely cheating, because - I made contact, there, with William Shakespeare - Wow.
.
.
and he was able to give me a four.
- A four?! - Yeah.
- From Shakespeare? But a four from Shakespeare is worth, like, a five from - Jeffrey Archer.
- .
.
Jeffrey Archer.
- David, let's have your, your, your one letter word.
- Simple.
O O I use it all the time.
Maybe put an exclamation mark with it.
O! HIGH?PITCHED: O! You can use it for all kinds of things, can't you? Something nice - O! ANGRILY: .
.
O! Yep? - Fine, yeah.
- Got it? - Yeah, got it.
- In there? - Yep.
- So what does it say? O, what does it say? - Er, it says, "Archaic spelling of 'oh', with the H.
" - - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Done it.
- OK, Jon.
- Er, well, Bill and I .
.
he got, er TITS You're saying you got in touch with the undead, the ghost of William Shakespeare, and he gave you TITS? I was very excited, because when he first got in touch, he went "H, A, H, A," and I thought, "He's got a nine", and then he was just laughing cos he'd seen TITS.
You can also have TITSAND, which is, like, when you drown in TITS.
JOE CHEERS Er, Susie, is it in there, presumably? Yeah, and I think it did go back to Shakespeare's time.
Notnot in the boob sense, but in the bird sense.
Oh, well, that's four points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Isy, Susie, could they have done any better? - They could.
There are a few sevens, aren't there? - Yep.
- There's ANOINTS - Oh, yeah.
- .
.
STATION - Ugh! .
.
NATIONS - I had all of these.
- Yeah.
OK, so at the end of that, David and Jonathan have no points, Jon and Joe have 17.
APPLAUSE Right now, time for Jonathan and Joe to go head-to-head.
Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Shall I have three from the top, then? Or does that make it harder? Only if you've caught the bat shit crazy train to What-The-Fuck-Is-Going-On-Land.
- Hey, Joe, you could go all big, and then we'd show them.
- All big.
- Yes! - - And you say you're not a lad.
- They're saying in my ear, they can't have more than four big ones! There are only four, so this is all of them and then you get two little ones.
- Oh, I see.
That's not what I asked for! Whoa, whoa, whoa, cool it - she's just doing her job.
These ones, they're not small.
I think you'll be pleased with the size of these ones.
- - Oi! - HE CHEERS - What was that? - That was my lad foot pose.
# We are the lads We are the lads We are, we are, we are the lads.
- What are you going to go for? - Yeah, I'll have four big ones.
- And two - And two little ones.
- Your two little ones are Not that little, are they? - Exactly, I knew you'd be impressed.
- Huh! SHE LAUGHS WHILE READING NUMBERS ALOUD And the biggest one - 849.
OK, your time starts now.
Oh, this is so easy.
It's SO easy.
JONATHAN MUTTERS CALCULATIONS Hang on, you've got to get 849.
I can't get 849.
You can, you could if you'd thought about it.
If you'd actually tried.
LAUGHTER So the target was 849.
Joe, did you get it? Hang on, I've still got a bit more time, cos Dean Gaffney is letting me, eh LAUGHTER I've got one at home that's a cuckoo clock, but it's Natalie Cassidy, she comes out and blows a trombone.
- All right, Joe, did you get it? - 850.
I think we all got 850! Well, that's easy.
- Even I could have done that.
- Jonathan, did you get it? I really didn't do a lot better.
I think I got 841.
LAUGHTER Well, that's That's worse.
I know it's a lot closer, but 849, 841, it sounds closer.
Sounds better than 850.
- OK, let's hear your 850, how did you do this? - Eight Hang on.
Times 100.
Yeah, and you haven't used either of those, so - 800.
- That was very patronising.
LAUGHTER Plus F Fifty.
Yep.
That's seven points to Joe.
Rachel, could it be done? Yeah, there were a couple of ways.
You could have said eight plus nine is 17, times 50 is 850, and then 100 minus 75 is 25, over the 25 is one to take off.
- What?! - Has she really come up with this stuff? JONATHAN: Gives me a headache! OK, so David and Jonathan have no points, Jon and Joe have 24.
AUDIENCE: Woo! JONATHAN: It's harder than it looks when you watch it at home.
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
- What have you got for us, Isy? - Well, I've been thinking about people I used to live with.
I'm settled now, I've got a boyfriend and a baby, but I used to have a knack of attracting housemates who turned out to be very, very eccentric.
So here are a few of them.
This is Claire with an I.
She always used to say, like NORTHERN ACCENT: "I say what I think", then she just wouldn't say anything.
She used to say things like, "Me and men are like chalk and cheese, "if chalk and cheese have sex in a cupboard at work.
" But, yeah, she used to give me a lot of tips as well, and I was going out on a date once, and I'd done my hair and was ready to go, and she went, "Eh, I got three rules with dating, Isy.
Rule one - "always go to a brightly-lit area on a first date.
" I was like, "OK.
" "Rule number two - never kiss on a first date.
"Rule number three - always use a condom on a first date.
" LAUGHTER Delightful Claire with an I.
This is Rachel.
NORTHERN ACCENT: She genuinely used to speakthis slowly.
Thewholeroadis onfire.
Wehavetoleavenow.
But I think this is the best housemate I've ever had.
This is Anya.
She was from Slovenia, I lived with her when I was at drama school.
She was really blunt, she nearly got sacked from the clothing shop Gap for telling a woman that her bum looked big before she'd tried anything on.
I went to stay with her in Slovenia, and Slovenia's next to Italy, and they sent my luggage to Italy by mistake.
So I had no clothes for a whole week, and she lent me one outfit for the week, which was like a vest and quite short shorts, so I wore those around her village for the whole week.
And at the end of the week when my luggage did arrive, she said EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT: "Everyone in my village saw you a prostitute.
" And I was like, "Why?" And she went, "Because you wear tight vest and shorts, "it's a Catholic country, not acceptable.
" And I was like, "Why didn't you say something before?" And she was went, "I could not think of English word for 'prostitute'.
" Isy Suttie, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SLUT BITE, the clue is "seen but not heard".
That's SLUT BITE, seen but not heard.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SLUT BITE.
The clue was, seen but not heard.
It was, of course, SUBTITLE.
OK, before we get on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
They've been trying and failing to find nine-letter words, so I thought I'd give them some help with their vocab.
I've got a selection of objects, all are spelt with nine letters.
All they have to do is identify them with their hands.
They'll have their eyes covered with a blindfold.
Whoever identifies the most objects gets the points.
Jon and Joe, you're up first.
So please join me in the feeling station.
I don't like feelings.
You do like feelings.
Come on.
Come on over.
APPLAUSE - Jump in there.
There you go, there's a blindfold.
- Oh, yeah? - Pop your blindfolds on.
- Somebody travels first class.
OK.
So you're against the clock.
All you've got to do is identify the nine-letter objects.
OK, so your time starts now.
He's in between you now.
There you go.
- No.
Yeah, there.
- Ooh.
- Jon, Jon.
- Oh, am I supposed to be feeling? - Reach in.
Is it worms? It's quite warm.
SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI! - SPAGHETTI's right, yeah.
- Yay! - APPLAUSE OK.
- I've got spaghetti on my hands.
- OK, so reach in.
He's in the middle.
- Up higher.
Up higher.
Up higher.
- Ooh! Yeah, there, there.
No, even further.
Is that Jon? - That's each other's hands, yeah.
- Nose.
- MOUSTACHE! - Oh, Moustache! - MOUSTACHE is exactly right, OK.
APPLAUSE Next one.
OK.
- Should really be - All right, so reach in.
Reach in.
Gentle.
- Be gentle.
- Oh! Is it a creature? It is a creature, yeah.
What type of creature? - Doggie? - What kind of a doggie? - JOE GASPS - CHIHUAHUA! CHIHUAHUA is exactly right.
- Yay! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE KLAXON And your time's up.
Go and sit down.
Marvellous, well done.
Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
David, Jonathan, you're up.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, England's foremost children's author.
APPLAUSE OK, your time starts when you feel the first object.
OK? Every object is spelt with nine letters.
- OK, there's your first one.
- Ah! Right, reach in.
Reach in.
OK.
In, in.
Down, it's on the tray, it's on the tray.
- Be careful, it's another messy one.
- Whoa! OK.
- Is it? - A BREAKFAST.
- English BREAKFAST! BREAKFAST, yeah.
OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Jimmy, I've got beans on my hand now.
- It's OK.
Reach into the middle, reach into the middle.
It's OK, try not to touch each other's - David! - Well, what is that?! Think of me, David, think of my surname.
Um BUTTPLUG? No! Oh, it's a A GEARSTICK! GEARSTICK's exactly right, yes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, this one This one you've got to go sort of down a bit, down.
It's sort of floor level.
You're asking for trouble.
DAVID LAUGHS - OK? - Ooh! - STILETTO.
- STILETTO's exactly right.
APPLAUSE Get Ow! Get back in.
- What is that? - That's a musical instrument.
Yes.
Which one? BOTH: ACCORDION.
ACCORDION is exactly right.
Got that so quickly.
KLAXON OK, your time is up.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.
JIMMY LAUGHS - Oh, my God.
- They seem like nice boys, don't they? They seem very nice.
So, David and Jonathan, you're the winning team there.
- You get five bonus points.
- Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - See? Wasting your time with all these numbers and letters.
OK, on with the game.
David and Jonathan, your turn to choose the letters.
Oh, not this again.
That bit was much more fun.
Can't we do that again? - Ugh.
Oh, vowel, consonant, vowel, consonant.
- I'm sorry.
- Just a bit of Countdown.
- Consonant, vowel.
Consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant, consonant.
A, K, I, T, E, Z.
Ugh, Z?! O, T.
Vowel.
Vowel.
- Quickly! - You've become I OK, and your time starts now.
What are we trying to find? A word? WEAKLY: I can't do it! It's too hard.
David! (Do it!) (Do it!) He's having a breakdown.
I can't do it! It's too hard! It's hard and it's not fun! It's no fun at all, doing this! How many did you get, David? KITE, KITE.
KITE.
It's already in there.
- KITE.
- So you got a four? Jonathan? I got KITEZ, which is spelled with a Z, the way the kids say it.
Like, you know "Yeah, I got my KITEZ, I got my KITEZ.
" "Let's go fly KITEZ, innit.
Bare KITEZ.
" "Our KITEZ is well sick.
" - Good call.
- Just meant to be street kids.
- How many did you get, Joe? - I got four, I got KITE as well.
You got KITE as well? And Jon? I got TAKE.
OK, so four points to both teams.
Isy, Susie, could they have done any better? There is a plant called KITEA which is there for five.
But it's still a lousy five.
OK.
So, at the end of that, David and Jonathan have 9 points, Jon and Joe are in the lead with 28.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Isy, what have you got for us? Well, I've just been clearing out some old drawers recently, and I found this picture.
I drew this picture when I was at primary school when we were asked to draw a picture of what our dads did for a living.
Not our mums, of course, because this was the '80s and women didn't work, apart from once a month in the bedroom after Crossroads.
So I drew this picture.
This is a genuine picture that I drew, and I hadn't looked at it for ages.
But it's a burglar burgling a house.
You can tell that because he's got the international burglar costume on.
So, yeah, there's a car parked nearby with a little girl in the back of it, with a pen and paper.
Which was me.
And he's about to go into the house.
So the teacher was a bit worried - she was called Miss Colman - and she sat me down and said, "What's this?" And I said, "Well, my dad's a burglar and, um" ".
.
every night, after my mum's gone to sleep, "he takes me out burgling with him.
"And, um, I'm not allowed to go in yet, but I sit in the back "of the car and write down everything he's doing, "so that, one day, I'll be able to take on his job.
" And she looked a bit concerned, and I said, "Oh, don't worry, he locks me in, so I'm safe.
" And I said, "He's given me a whistle, "and he's told me to blow it if I see someone coming back "to their house while he's burgling it.
" She looked really worried at this point, the teacher, and said, "Have you ever had to use the whistle?" And I said, "Actually, yes.
"The other night, a woman was walking back towards "her house with a load of shopping and I saw her, "so I blew the whistle really loudly, "and my dad got out the back of the house just in time, "with ?1,000 worth of jewellery and the board game Buckaroo.
" So she called my parents in and sat them down on those little blue chairs, and had to sort of sit there like they were being told off.
She sat them down and genuinely said, "Are you a burglar, Dr Suttie?" - Ladies and gentlemen, Isy Suttie.
- Yeah! APPLAUSE The scores at the moment - David and Jonathan have 9, Jon and Joe have 28.
Here is your final teaser.
The words are STIFF GUN.
The clue is - force it into your trousers.
That's STIFF GUN - force it into your trousers.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were STIFF GUN, the clue was "force it into your trousers.
" It was, of course, STUFFING.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
Please, let me pick them.
No, you go.
A vowel, please.
E I'll have a consonant, please.
P - Two more consonants, and the rest vowels.
- Whoa, there! Whoa, there.
I'll take over from there, if I may.
Let's try ONE vowel.
E See how that looks, before we go crazy.
- And let's have another one.
- Yes.
- To keep him quiet.
A But then, by all means, let's have a consonant.
- Oh, yeah.
B And then another consonant.
C I think this would have been better all vowels, mate, but Well, you can pick the last one, then.
Consonant, please.
L OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
Oh, hello, my little puppies.
Hello, babies.
Oh! Oh, no.
HE CHUCKLES Look at that! What do you think of my coat? - Nice! - So soft.
- Nice.
- SO soft.
- Cruella de Carr.
- How many did you get, Jon? - Six.
- Joe? - I got five, cos I was distracted by the dogs.
- Jonathan, how many? - Seven.
- Seven? - TWO sevens.
- All right! - David? - Got a six.
- Got a six.
OK, Joe, let's hear your five.
- CLEAR.
- OK.
Jon, what's your six? Well, this came through the ouija board, and I don't know who it was, but they were very angry.
Was it the dead dogs? Er, REAPEN.
You know, when you REAPEN.
The reaper.
He REAPENs, don't he? It's how Yorkshire fruit becomes edible.
"Don't touch that kiwi.
It's not REAPENed yet.
" Right, I can say with confidence that existed in Anglo-Saxon times, just not any more.
- OK, David, what was your six? - P-A-L-B-E-R, PALBER.
PALBER, yeah.
The traditional spelling of PALBER.
- PALBER.
What is a PALBER? - It's someone who palbs.
- No.
- What? - No.
- You're joking me.
- OK, Jonathan, it all comes down to your seven.
I've got CLEANER.
- Well done! - JOE: Aww! - CLEANER.
- Yeah.
- APPLAUSE Seven points to Jonathan.
Susie, could they have done any better? Isy? There's also ENABLER and REPLACE.
They're all sevens.
OK.
So, David and Jonathan now have 16 points, Jon and Joe have 28.
APPLAUSE - Catching up.
- Everything to play for.
Everything to play for in the final round.
- No, no, there isn't.
Everybody clearly - Everything to play for.
- We feel we can still do it.
- No, there isn't, no.
Everything still to play for in this final round.
Er, no, there isn't everything to play for.
Maybe if you just give us double points in this next round.
- Double the points, double the money.
- Then we're in with a solid chance.
Let me just ask the dead.
Oh, no, they don't like that idea at all.
OK, so they're saying in my ear there are 13 points on offer for the conundrum today.
Hold it, I can't do the maths to work out whether we can still win.
- So does that let us win? - That means you could win, yeah, sure.
- If you get the conundrum.
- I think, though, if they don't know that, then they don't deserve to win.
Yeah, we're really going to go for it now, OK? We're going to teach you a lesson.
Get on with it! Come on.
OK, for 13 points, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
And your time starts now.
What are we trying to do? Ah David.
- Chemistry.
- Let's have a look and see.
APPLAUSE Thank you, thank you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! OK, so the final scores - Jon and Joe have 28 points, but tonight's winners with 29 - David and Jonathan! APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown Scuba Set! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Jon Richardson, David Walliams, Joe Lycett, Jonathan Ross, Isy Suttie, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers, and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the opposite of nowadays for times gone past is thenadays? And the term for something completely forgotten is The Saturdays.
Three billion is the number of times a person's heart will beat in their lifetime, although mine is one less than that, because it skipped a beat when I first met David Walliams.
And a sextant is an instrument used for measuring the angular distance between objects, whereas a sex-tent is what a scoutmaster takes camping.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE Jon says he loves all sports, except swimming.
Fair enough, those cardigans can get heavy when they're wet.
And joining Jon tonight is Joe Lycett.
APPLAUSE When he was a child, Joe used to regularly sit in the front garden and sing to the flowers, in an act described by local bullies as "inspiring".
- I did actually do that.
- What did you sing? I used to sing Gustav Holst's The Planets.
I thought you were going to say that.
What are the words to Jupiter? Da da da da da It's just "da-das".
- What age were you when you were doing this? - About 22.
Up against them this evening - it's special guest team captain David Walliams.
APPLAUSE David once mooned Simon Cowell.
Witnesses still can't agree which was the biggest arsehole.
- And David's team-mate, Jonathan Ross.
- Ooh! APPLAUSE Jonathan was awarded an OBE in 2005, which just goes to show how hard it is to take back an OBE.
- We're on the same team.
- I know, but it's true.
- No! David, what's the best way to seduce David Walliams? Invite him to Manchester for a recording of a panel show that you're hosting.
Yep, Manchester, got it.
Later on, invite him back for drinks, - at your hotel.
- Holiday Inn, yep.
And give me a cake very soon after sex.
- A cake? - A cake, either during or after.
Your mouth will be full.
APPLAUSE Jonathan, you were branded the worst celebrity contestant ever on The Great Comic Relief Bake-Off.
Well, thanks for just bringing it up and not even asking a question.
That was Do you think you're going to do any better this evening? Look, just because I didn't set out to bake stuff which was pretty and edible - does that make me a bad cook? I don't think so.
I was colouring outside the lines.
- There's no cooking tonight, is there, Jimmy? - I don't think so.
Well, then I fail to see how it's relevant.
- And you're pretty good at Countdown, right? - No, I'm OK.
I'm all right with the words, I'm useless with the numbers.
- That's where I come in.
- Yeah.
- Numbers.
I can't believe you're good at maths.
Yeah, I can count to 100, easy.
All in one go? I take breaks.
I don't know if the mics picked up the sound of me shitting my pants there.
Jon, if you had 24 hours to live, what would you do? Do you know something I don't know? I don't know, if I had 24 hours to live.
My tidying's all done, so Are you ready at any point? I think, yeah, that's secretly what it's about.
Get everything tidy, and then you can die.
I mean, it's a busy time period for the Sky+ memory at the moment, so I would like to get that, ideally, up to 100% before I died.
You don't want to leave someone to do that, to have to delete "Is he going to watch "these Countryfiles, or did he just?" "I think he was the kind of guy that watched" Where are you currently on your Sky memory? - What's your current figure? - My wife's home a lot, - so we currently have below 30% memory, and - Wow.
.
.
usually in that situation, I don't leave the house.
You must have so much fun.
She's a lucky lady, with an itchy trigger finger.
Channel 5, Babies Make You LOL.
I mean, not on the evidence they have shown so far.
Joe, this is your first time on Cats Does Countdown as - a player.
- Yes.
- How do you think you're going to do? - Badly.
Because I'm not very good at spelling, and I'm not very good at maths.
- But you've been with Susie on numerous occasions.
- I have, - but I don't - Did she teach you nothing? Well, she taught me lots, but it hasn't stuck.
The reason I wanted to avoid Dictionary Corner is, the last couple of times I've been in Dictionary Corner, clips of my performances have ended up on lad-based Facebook pages.
LAD Bible, UNILAD, ChavLad.
And whilst I am an absolute lad, as you know OI-OI! More like a choking seal.
How do YOU do it? Well, I would sort of differentiate between the two - "oi"s, so ideally you want a little pause.
- OK.
OI! OI! - Or, a good one is the, - HIGH-PITCHED: "ooey, ooey.
" - HIGH-PITCHED: "Ooey, ooey.
" - There you go.
Straight to Ibiza with you, young man.
So, the last time you were in Dictionary Corner, you ended up on lads' sites? I consider myself to be quite laddy, but the people commenting on ChavLad don't think I'm that laddy.
Right.
So, basically, somebody that talks like me on ChavLad gets the sort of response that you would get if you go to a dinner party and say, "What do you think of Brexit?", and then open a box of wasps.
So I'm trying to go under the radar.
- Have you got a mascot this evening, Joe? - Yes, I have.
So, one thing Every time I've been on this show, I always feel like that clock goes quickly, and I don't trust it.
But who I do trust is Pam St Clement.
And this is a clock that I have in my bedroom, and I trust it with my life, so I'll be using Pam as the timer.
Rather than GMT, it's PST - Pam St Clement time.
I didn't realise how sort of cat-like she looked.
Yeah, I mean, at 25 to 6, she starts to look a bit French.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, I've checked the Countdown rules, cos obviously, two unknown elements here, I didn't know how good you were going to be.
There's no rule against receiving help from the dead, so I've brought in a ouija board.
I just think, "What could possibly go wrong?" So, at various points tonight, I may go into a trance-like state, and hopefully we'll get a bit of action.
It's got all the classic symbols on it - the letters, the numbers, the sun and the moon, for when it's bedtime.
You need a ghost to tell you.
And then when they've finished, they're polite - they just say "goodbye," the ghosts.
Cos it takes a long time to spell "cheerio".
- OK.
David, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have.
It's a close friend of mine.
It's a very special lady in my life.
She's like a kind of mother to me.
She's very kindly agreed to come on the show and be my mascot.
Ladies and gentlemen - Her Majesty the Queen.
APPLAUSE RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS No direct questions, please, because it costs more if she talks, OK? Just come and Jonathan, make some room.
- She hasn't come for my OBE, has she? - Can you sit? Go on the stool.
You sit here, my love.
- In you go, Your Majesty.
- Beautiful.
You look younger than you do on the stamps.
Again, I said, it's extra if she talks, so it's best You can make comments, but don't ask direct questions.
- Say nothing if Charles isn't going to get it when you die.
Oh, dear.
David, how long have you known the Queen? Since I swum the Channel.
That's when I first met her.
- Wow.
Yes.
- I swum the Channel.
If she met you then, you don't have to tell her that now.
That's when you met her, apparently.
I met you, do you remember? We met, and I'd swum the Channel.
I got invited to Buckingham Palace, and I met Her Majesty there, and then we became friends, and we talk on the phone most nights.
We text, and stuff.
- Do you two hang out together? - Oh, yeah.
Well, she'll just say, "Come over, I've got a movie.
"Let's just have pizza and watch Pretty Woman," that kind of thing, and we spoon sometimes, as well.
Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty the Queen.
- Thank you very much.
- APPLAUSE RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS Very down to earth.
Jonathan, have you got a mascot? I've brought a mascot in.
This isn't the mascot, in actual fact, this is to demonstrate the mascot.
I should explain why I have this item with me, because hopefully it's going to bring me luck, not just this evening, but in the future.
We're redecorating our house at the moment, because all my children have left home - I'm that age now - and when the kids leave, they take a lot of their stuff with them, but they didn't take any of their pets, so we've now got something like seven dogs, five cats, two snakes, one pig, and a lot of fish, and the cats have got territorial with each other, and one of them is pissing everywhere.
He is just pissing everywhere.
He's spraying everywhere.
It's clearly a protest.
He even got on the duvet and pissed on the duvet while I was in the bed the other night.
And then he went round the corner, lifted his tail up, and he pissed directly into an unused plug, and fused the power on the whole floor.
He was still pissing - smoke was coming out behind him.
I was kind of hoping the electricity would go up the stream of piss, and kill the little fucker, but it didn't.
- So we got a cat psychologist in.
- Of course, yeah.
She said, "You know what the problem is? "Your cat's pissing everywhere.
" That was about what we got for our money.
So my wife went online and found another possible solution, which I've brought with me, and this is my good luck thing - it's a cat nappy.
- You've seen these before.
- Of course I have, yes.
- I'm wearing one right now.
- But the thing is Is this a genuine thing you can buy? Yes, it is, but the weird thing is I've read the booklet on it.
It's trickier than it looks.
You've read the booklet in a hurry, by the looks of things.
- Yes.
- I think you need that bit down.
- Just get away from it! - That bit down like that.
- What's wrong with you? You're such a control freak.
We are not going to get on tonight, I can tell.
JOE: I'm weirdly aroused.
There it is, Jimmy, I've put it on successfully.
Ladies and gentleman, Jonathan's cat nappy.
APPLAUSE - OBE! - Jonathan Ross, OBE! - OBE! - Services to broadcasting.
I didn't have to swim a foot, and I got one.
APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Isy Suttie.
APPLAUSE Isy used to work in the Oddbins call centre in Hull, which, for many people in Hull, is the fourth emergency service.
What's your best ever holiday, Isy? Probably when I went skiing when I was about ten and my sister was about six, and my mum's always been a bit of a skinflint, and she didn't want to buy salopettes, because she thought we might only go skiing once, so she made us ski suits out of '60s duvets.
Which she sprayed with a waterproof spray, and then she got us to lie on them and drew round us in magic marker, and then sewed it.
Me and my sister were small, so we got the same on our fronts and our backs, but my dad, cos he was bigger, got a brown and white one for the front, and then a yellow one for the back.
Is there a photo of that anywhere? - Is there evidence of this? - No, it's so My mum doesn't believe in looking back, so she doesn't really take any photos.
- She doesn't believe in looking back? - No.
She's killed a lot of cats in the driveway, hasn't she? OK, and with Isy this evening, it's Susie Dent, of course.
APPLAUSE Susie's been the resident lexicographer in Dictionary Corner since 2003, so think again before you start moaning on about how shit YOUR life is.
Susie, David's new to the show.
Any advice for him? Well, you say you're a maths guru, but you're also brilliant at words.
We genuinely love David's books in our house, and he has this brilliant thing where does "made up word alerts," very often on a page, and he has brilliant words like "chocolated" and "huggiest" and "gruesomeist.
" There's bumboy, isn't there? Bumboy's in one of them.
- I don't think he made that one up.
Bumboy is a thing.
- Yeah.
I think it's a different thing in David's books.
- It may well be a different thing, but trust me, it's a thing.
What does bumboy mean, David? In the story Billionaire Boy, the boy's father gets really rich, because he invents a type of toilet roll which is wet on one side and dry on the other, and he gets bullied at school, - and one of the things he's called is bumboy.
- Bumboy.
We've all been called it for various different reasons.
OK, and in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE "Rachel is in charge of all the letters and numbers," is a sentence that makes her sound way more important than she is.
It says here you're a rubbish driver.
Is that true? Not too bad, but the first time my dad took me out in my car - I had The Inbetweeners yellow go faster Cinquecento Sporting - and I drove it into a bush.
So, if you'd say that's a bad driver, then Yeah, that's quite bad, yeah.
OK, tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown Scuba Set.
Right, OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
Time for the first game.
David and Jonathan, you get the first pick of the letters.
Vowel.
Consonant.
Vowel, consonant, consonant, vowel.
- O! N, E, U.
A vowel.
I Consonant.
X - Vowel? - Vowel.
E Can we start again? They're terrible letters.
- You picked them.
- I think we need another consonant.
P And another consonant.
- And another one.
R OK, and your time starts now.
EXHALES LOUDLY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I got seven.
Pam hasn't finished yet.
- Jonathan, how many have you got? - Seven.
- David? Five, but I'm not sure it's a real word.
Oh, mine's not a real word, but I've got seven.
- Joe? - Five.
- And Jon? WE have a six.
- And who did you do this with? - I'm not sure who it is.
I was getting the word "die" a lot.
Angry fella, I like him.
- OK, David, let's have your five.
- RUIXO.
- RUIXO? - R-U-I-X-O.
- Yeah, I know how to spell RUIXO, yeah.
What does it mean? What's the definition of RUIXO? It's a type of hat, erm .
.
worn by people with cold heads.
"You got your RUIXO on today?" "Yes, I have.
" You know, all of that.
We're just going to double-check it's in the - dictionary, but I think that's five.
- RUIXO.
- RUIXO.
I told you he was great at these made-up words.
- Sadly, it is made-up.
- That's not fair, is it? - No, I'm sorry.
- OK, Joe, what's your five? - RIPEN.
- RIPEN.
- Oh, that's a good one.
OK, Jon, what's your six? Well, as I said, they kept saying "die," and I asked, when I go deep, "What do you mean?", and they said, "expire".
- EXPIRE is there for six.
- But that's You were helped by the undead, so it's bound to be good.
Check the rule book, mate.
There is nothing in it about being helped by the undead, so no, fair enough, that counts, OK.
- And Jonathan, your seven.
- UNPOXER.
- Someone who sees a pox and takes it away.
- Unpoxes it.
It's a very old word for a doctor.
- Medieval word.
- You'd go, "Get thee to an UNPOXER.
" - Susie, is UNPOXER in there? - It is not in the dictionary.
- Well, that's a bad dictionary.
That's all I'm saying.
I think it's probably in a historical dictionary.
- - Yes, exactly.
That's what I'm saying.
- Medieval dictionary.
How old are you, Jonathan? Me and Chaucer used to go drinking and then visit the UNPOXER straight afterwards.
So that's six points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Isy, Susie, could they have done any better? There is a seven.
- It's PIONEER.
- Oh.
Oh, so close! OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Joe are in the lead with 6.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top and four from the bottom, please.
- OK, we've got 7.
- Right.
- 6.
9, 8.
50, and 100.
JOE CHEERS LADDISHLY It's your only job, Rachel.
It's your It's literally your only job, is to put the numbers up.
- Let's swap it.
- You can't swap it.
- Well, that's easy anyway.
Everyone's got that one.
Right, well, press the button again.
- OK.
- JONATHAN: I've got it.
Here we go.
- All right.
- There you go.
883, OK, and your time starts now.
It's easy, this one.
I've got it.
So the target was 883.
Did you get it, Jonathan? Hold on, I thought I had it, but did they change the top number? Yes.
LAUGHTER Why did you change the top number? Because it was too easy, so we said, "We're going to change the number.
" - What do you mean, "it's too easy?" - But I got that one.
- I was really excited.
- You got 136? - Yeah, and then I relaxed.
How can this be fair? You go on about the rules, "Oh, the rules, the rules, the rules.
" Don't change the fucking rules, then! I got it! - David, did you get it? - I got 4,993.
Well, that's better than 883.
Yeah, well, it's closer than 136.
Yeah.
Joe, did you get it? No, I got 823, but - Jon, did you get it? - I got 882.
I feel like I would have got it if there had been a 7 up there, but that's just the way life is sometimes.
OK, Jon, how did you get 882? 8 - 6 is 2.
Away from the 100 is 98.
And times by 9.
Yeah, well done.
I got that too.
APPLAUSE Could it be done? You could have done it.
You could say 100+50, 150.
- Yeah, obviously.
Times by 6 is 900, and then take away the 8 and 9.
- - Oh.
- APPLAUSE Seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - David and Jonathan have no points.
- Yes! - Jon and Joe are on 13.
- I feel upset.
- APPLAUSE And here is your teaser - the words are WET GROIN, the clue is "can be pretty imposing.
" That's WET GROIN, "can be pretty imposing.
" See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were WET GROIN, the clue was - can be pretty imposing.
It was, of course, TOWERING.
So, Jon and Joe are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, - but this game is just for David and Jon.
- Oh.
So, David, your turn to choose the letters.
Vowel.
I Consonant.
Consonant.
S Vowel.
A It's a-aa-aa .
.
bum boy! Consonant.
N Consonant.
D Vowel.
O Two more const-onant-stants.
And N OK, and your time starts now.
Oh.
Nice.
Made a little doll's house.
I've got Rachel's room.
She's got loads ofshe's got loads of pictures of me.
And that'sthat's David's room, but I'mI'm in bed with you, because - it just saves on the heating bill.
- Yeah.
And then, Jon, you're just in the kitchen on your own, tidying up.
And, Susie, you've just got a stripper pole in your room.
Spinning around on the pole.
Erm, David, how many have you got? I've got a one.
- A one-letter word? - A one-letter word.
Jon, how many? Well, this is definitely cheating, because - I made contact, there, with William Shakespeare - Wow.
.
.
and he was able to give me a four.
- A four?! - Yeah.
- From Shakespeare? But a four from Shakespeare is worth, like, a five from - Jeffrey Archer.
- .
.
Jeffrey Archer.
- David, let's have your, your, your one letter word.
- Simple.
O O I use it all the time.
Maybe put an exclamation mark with it.
O! HIGH?PITCHED: O! You can use it for all kinds of things, can't you? Something nice - O! ANGRILY: .
.
O! Yep? - Fine, yeah.
- Got it? - Yeah, got it.
- In there? - Yep.
- So what does it say? O, what does it say? - Er, it says, "Archaic spelling of 'oh', with the H.
" - - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Done it.
- OK, Jon.
- Er, well, Bill and I .
.
he got, er TITS You're saying you got in touch with the undead, the ghost of William Shakespeare, and he gave you TITS? I was very excited, because when he first got in touch, he went "H, A, H, A," and I thought, "He's got a nine", and then he was just laughing cos he'd seen TITS.
You can also have TITSAND, which is, like, when you drown in TITS.
JOE CHEERS Er, Susie, is it in there, presumably? Yeah, and I think it did go back to Shakespeare's time.
Notnot in the boob sense, but in the bird sense.
Oh, well, that's four points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Isy, Susie, could they have done any better? - They could.
There are a few sevens, aren't there? - Yep.
- There's ANOINTS - Oh, yeah.
- .
.
STATION - Ugh! .
.
NATIONS - I had all of these.
- Yeah.
OK, so at the end of that, David and Jonathan have no points, Jon and Joe have 17.
APPLAUSE Right now, time for Jonathan and Joe to go head-to-head.
Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Shall I have three from the top, then? Or does that make it harder? Only if you've caught the bat shit crazy train to What-The-Fuck-Is-Going-On-Land.
- Hey, Joe, you could go all big, and then we'd show them.
- All big.
- Yes! - - And you say you're not a lad.
- They're saying in my ear, they can't have more than four big ones! There are only four, so this is all of them and then you get two little ones.
- Oh, I see.
That's not what I asked for! Whoa, whoa, whoa, cool it - she's just doing her job.
These ones, they're not small.
I think you'll be pleased with the size of these ones.
- - Oi! - HE CHEERS - What was that? - That was my lad foot pose.
# We are the lads We are the lads We are, we are, we are the lads.
- What are you going to go for? - Yeah, I'll have four big ones.
- And two - And two little ones.
- Your two little ones are Not that little, are they? - Exactly, I knew you'd be impressed.
- Huh! SHE LAUGHS WHILE READING NUMBERS ALOUD And the biggest one - 849.
OK, your time starts now.
Oh, this is so easy.
It's SO easy.
JONATHAN MUTTERS CALCULATIONS Hang on, you've got to get 849.
I can't get 849.
You can, you could if you'd thought about it.
If you'd actually tried.
LAUGHTER So the target was 849.
Joe, did you get it? Hang on, I've still got a bit more time, cos Dean Gaffney is letting me, eh LAUGHTER I've got one at home that's a cuckoo clock, but it's Natalie Cassidy, she comes out and blows a trombone.
- All right, Joe, did you get it? - 850.
I think we all got 850! Well, that's easy.
- Even I could have done that.
- Jonathan, did you get it? I really didn't do a lot better.
I think I got 841.
LAUGHTER Well, that's That's worse.
I know it's a lot closer, but 849, 841, it sounds closer.
Sounds better than 850.
- OK, let's hear your 850, how did you do this? - Eight Hang on.
Times 100.
Yeah, and you haven't used either of those, so - 800.
- That was very patronising.
LAUGHTER Plus F Fifty.
Yep.
That's seven points to Joe.
Rachel, could it be done? Yeah, there were a couple of ways.
You could have said eight plus nine is 17, times 50 is 850, and then 100 minus 75 is 25, over the 25 is one to take off.
- What?! - Has she really come up with this stuff? JONATHAN: Gives me a headache! OK, so David and Jonathan have no points, Jon and Joe have 24.
AUDIENCE: Woo! JONATHAN: It's harder than it looks when you watch it at home.
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
- What have you got for us, Isy? - Well, I've been thinking about people I used to live with.
I'm settled now, I've got a boyfriend and a baby, but I used to have a knack of attracting housemates who turned out to be very, very eccentric.
So here are a few of them.
This is Claire with an I.
She always used to say, like NORTHERN ACCENT: "I say what I think", then she just wouldn't say anything.
She used to say things like, "Me and men are like chalk and cheese, "if chalk and cheese have sex in a cupboard at work.
" But, yeah, she used to give me a lot of tips as well, and I was going out on a date once, and I'd done my hair and was ready to go, and she went, "Eh, I got three rules with dating, Isy.
Rule one - "always go to a brightly-lit area on a first date.
" I was like, "OK.
" "Rule number two - never kiss on a first date.
"Rule number three - always use a condom on a first date.
" LAUGHTER Delightful Claire with an I.
This is Rachel.
NORTHERN ACCENT: She genuinely used to speakthis slowly.
Thewholeroadis onfire.
Wehavetoleavenow.
But I think this is the best housemate I've ever had.
This is Anya.
She was from Slovenia, I lived with her when I was at drama school.
She was really blunt, she nearly got sacked from the clothing shop Gap for telling a woman that her bum looked big before she'd tried anything on.
I went to stay with her in Slovenia, and Slovenia's next to Italy, and they sent my luggage to Italy by mistake.
So I had no clothes for a whole week, and she lent me one outfit for the week, which was like a vest and quite short shorts, so I wore those around her village for the whole week.
And at the end of the week when my luggage did arrive, she said EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT: "Everyone in my village saw you a prostitute.
" And I was like, "Why?" And she went, "Because you wear tight vest and shorts, "it's a Catholic country, not acceptable.
" And I was like, "Why didn't you say something before?" And she was went, "I could not think of English word for 'prostitute'.
" Isy Suttie, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SLUT BITE, the clue is "seen but not heard".
That's SLUT BITE, seen but not heard.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SLUT BITE.
The clue was, seen but not heard.
It was, of course, SUBTITLE.
OK, before we get on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
They've been trying and failing to find nine-letter words, so I thought I'd give them some help with their vocab.
I've got a selection of objects, all are spelt with nine letters.
All they have to do is identify them with their hands.
They'll have their eyes covered with a blindfold.
Whoever identifies the most objects gets the points.
Jon and Joe, you're up first.
So please join me in the feeling station.
I don't like feelings.
You do like feelings.
Come on.
Come on over.
APPLAUSE - Jump in there.
There you go, there's a blindfold.
- Oh, yeah? - Pop your blindfolds on.
- Somebody travels first class.
OK.
So you're against the clock.
All you've got to do is identify the nine-letter objects.
OK, so your time starts now.
He's in between you now.
There you go.
- No.
Yeah, there.
- Ooh.
- Jon, Jon.
- Oh, am I supposed to be feeling? - Reach in.
Is it worms? It's quite warm.
SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI! - SPAGHETTI's right, yeah.
- Yay! - APPLAUSE OK.
- I've got spaghetti on my hands.
- OK, so reach in.
He's in the middle.
- Up higher.
Up higher.
Up higher.
- Ooh! Yeah, there, there.
No, even further.
Is that Jon? - That's each other's hands, yeah.
- Nose.
- MOUSTACHE! - Oh, Moustache! - MOUSTACHE is exactly right, OK.
APPLAUSE Next one.
OK.
- Should really be - All right, so reach in.
Reach in.
Gentle.
- Be gentle.
- Oh! Is it a creature? It is a creature, yeah.
What type of creature? - Doggie? - What kind of a doggie? - JOE GASPS - CHIHUAHUA! CHIHUAHUA is exactly right.
- Yay! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE KLAXON And your time's up.
Go and sit down.
Marvellous, well done.
Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
David, Jonathan, you're up.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, England's foremost children's author.
APPLAUSE OK, your time starts when you feel the first object.
OK? Every object is spelt with nine letters.
- OK, there's your first one.
- Ah! Right, reach in.
Reach in.
OK.
In, in.
Down, it's on the tray, it's on the tray.
- Be careful, it's another messy one.
- Whoa! OK.
- Is it? - A BREAKFAST.
- English BREAKFAST! BREAKFAST, yeah.
OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Jimmy, I've got beans on my hand now.
- It's OK.
Reach into the middle, reach into the middle.
It's OK, try not to touch each other's - David! - Well, what is that?! Think of me, David, think of my surname.
Um BUTTPLUG? No! Oh, it's a A GEARSTICK! GEARSTICK's exactly right, yes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, this one This one you've got to go sort of down a bit, down.
It's sort of floor level.
You're asking for trouble.
DAVID LAUGHS - OK? - Ooh! - STILETTO.
- STILETTO's exactly right.
APPLAUSE Get Ow! Get back in.
- What is that? - That's a musical instrument.
Yes.
Which one? BOTH: ACCORDION.
ACCORDION is exactly right.
Got that so quickly.
KLAXON OK, your time is up.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.
JIMMY LAUGHS - Oh, my God.
- They seem like nice boys, don't they? They seem very nice.
So, David and Jonathan, you're the winning team there.
- You get five bonus points.
- Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - See? Wasting your time with all these numbers and letters.
OK, on with the game.
David and Jonathan, your turn to choose the letters.
Oh, not this again.
That bit was much more fun.
Can't we do that again? - Ugh.
Oh, vowel, consonant, vowel, consonant.
- I'm sorry.
- Just a bit of Countdown.
- Consonant, vowel.
Consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant, consonant.
A, K, I, T, E, Z.
Ugh, Z?! O, T.
Vowel.
Vowel.
- Quickly! - You've become I OK, and your time starts now.
What are we trying to find? A word? WEAKLY: I can't do it! It's too hard.
David! (Do it!) (Do it!) He's having a breakdown.
I can't do it! It's too hard! It's hard and it's not fun! It's no fun at all, doing this! How many did you get, David? KITE, KITE.
KITE.
It's already in there.
- KITE.
- So you got a four? Jonathan? I got KITEZ, which is spelled with a Z, the way the kids say it.
Like, you know "Yeah, I got my KITEZ, I got my KITEZ.
" "Let's go fly KITEZ, innit.
Bare KITEZ.
" "Our KITEZ is well sick.
" - Good call.
- Just meant to be street kids.
- How many did you get, Joe? - I got four, I got KITE as well.
You got KITE as well? And Jon? I got TAKE.
OK, so four points to both teams.
Isy, Susie, could they have done any better? There is a plant called KITEA which is there for five.
But it's still a lousy five.
OK.
So, at the end of that, David and Jonathan have 9 points, Jon and Joe are in the lead with 28.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Isy, what have you got for us? Well, I've just been clearing out some old drawers recently, and I found this picture.
I drew this picture when I was at primary school when we were asked to draw a picture of what our dads did for a living.
Not our mums, of course, because this was the '80s and women didn't work, apart from once a month in the bedroom after Crossroads.
So I drew this picture.
This is a genuine picture that I drew, and I hadn't looked at it for ages.
But it's a burglar burgling a house.
You can tell that because he's got the international burglar costume on.
So, yeah, there's a car parked nearby with a little girl in the back of it, with a pen and paper.
Which was me.
And he's about to go into the house.
So the teacher was a bit worried - she was called Miss Colman - and she sat me down and said, "What's this?" And I said, "Well, my dad's a burglar and, um" ".
.
every night, after my mum's gone to sleep, "he takes me out burgling with him.
"And, um, I'm not allowed to go in yet, but I sit in the back "of the car and write down everything he's doing, "so that, one day, I'll be able to take on his job.
" And she looked a bit concerned, and I said, "Oh, don't worry, he locks me in, so I'm safe.
" And I said, "He's given me a whistle, "and he's told me to blow it if I see someone coming back "to their house while he's burgling it.
" She looked really worried at this point, the teacher, and said, "Have you ever had to use the whistle?" And I said, "Actually, yes.
"The other night, a woman was walking back towards "her house with a load of shopping and I saw her, "so I blew the whistle really loudly, "and my dad got out the back of the house just in time, "with ?1,000 worth of jewellery and the board game Buckaroo.
" So she called my parents in and sat them down on those little blue chairs, and had to sort of sit there like they were being told off.
She sat them down and genuinely said, "Are you a burglar, Dr Suttie?" - Ladies and gentlemen, Isy Suttie.
- Yeah! APPLAUSE The scores at the moment - David and Jonathan have 9, Jon and Joe have 28.
Here is your final teaser.
The words are STIFF GUN.
The clue is - force it into your trousers.
That's STIFF GUN - force it into your trousers.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were STIFF GUN, the clue was "force it into your trousers.
" It was, of course, STUFFING.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
Please, let me pick them.
No, you go.
A vowel, please.
E I'll have a consonant, please.
P - Two more consonants, and the rest vowels.
- Whoa, there! Whoa, there.
I'll take over from there, if I may.
Let's try ONE vowel.
E See how that looks, before we go crazy.
- And let's have another one.
- Yes.
- To keep him quiet.
A But then, by all means, let's have a consonant.
- Oh, yeah.
B And then another consonant.
C I think this would have been better all vowels, mate, but Well, you can pick the last one, then.
Consonant, please.
L OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
Oh, hello, my little puppies.
Hello, babies.
Oh! Oh, no.
HE CHUCKLES Look at that! What do you think of my coat? - Nice! - So soft.
- Nice.
- SO soft.
- Cruella de Carr.
- How many did you get, Jon? - Six.
- Joe? - I got five, cos I was distracted by the dogs.
- Jonathan, how many? - Seven.
- Seven? - TWO sevens.
- All right! - David? - Got a six.
- Got a six.
OK, Joe, let's hear your five.
- CLEAR.
- OK.
Jon, what's your six? Well, this came through the ouija board, and I don't know who it was, but they were very angry.
Was it the dead dogs? Er, REAPEN.
You know, when you REAPEN.
The reaper.
He REAPENs, don't he? It's how Yorkshire fruit becomes edible.
"Don't touch that kiwi.
It's not REAPENed yet.
" Right, I can say with confidence that existed in Anglo-Saxon times, just not any more.
- OK, David, what was your six? - P-A-L-B-E-R, PALBER.
PALBER, yeah.
The traditional spelling of PALBER.
- PALBER.
What is a PALBER? - It's someone who palbs.
- No.
- What? - No.
- You're joking me.
- OK, Jonathan, it all comes down to your seven.
I've got CLEANER.
- Well done! - JOE: Aww! - CLEANER.
- Yeah.
- APPLAUSE Seven points to Jonathan.
Susie, could they have done any better? Isy? There's also ENABLER and REPLACE.
They're all sevens.
OK.
So, David and Jonathan now have 16 points, Jon and Joe have 28.
APPLAUSE - Catching up.
- Everything to play for.
Everything to play for in the final round.
- No, no, there isn't.
Everybody clearly - Everything to play for.
- We feel we can still do it.
- No, there isn't, no.
Everything still to play for in this final round.
Er, no, there isn't everything to play for.
Maybe if you just give us double points in this next round.
- Double the points, double the money.
- Then we're in with a solid chance.
Let me just ask the dead.
Oh, no, they don't like that idea at all.
OK, so they're saying in my ear there are 13 points on offer for the conundrum today.
Hold it, I can't do the maths to work out whether we can still win.
- So does that let us win? - That means you could win, yeah, sure.
- If you get the conundrum.
- I think, though, if they don't know that, then they don't deserve to win.
Yeah, we're really going to go for it now, OK? We're going to teach you a lesson.
Get on with it! Come on.
OK, for 13 points, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
And your time starts now.
What are we trying to do? Ah David.
- Chemistry.
- Let's have a look and see.
APPLAUSE Thank you, thank you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! OK, so the final scores - Jon and Joe have 28 points, but tonight's winners with 29 - David and Jonathan! APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown Scuba Set! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.