Dad's Army (1968) s09e01 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Don't jerk the trigger, Pikey.
You squeeze it like a lemon.
Like a lemon? Yes, Mr Jones.
That's rather good, Frank.
The troop's shooting is certainly improving, sir.
If we go on like this, they'll have to call us Mr Mainwaring's Sharpshooters.
Your turn now, Captain Mainwaring.
What have I got to beat, Wilson? Frazer's got the best score so far, sir.
Two bulls, two inners and one outer.
I think we can improve on that a bit.
Would you like to make a wee wager, Captain Mainwaring? Yes.
I don't mind.
Shall we say a shilling? Make it ten.
-An awful lot of money.
-Backing down, Captain Mainwaring? -Certainly not.
-Here, Mr Mainwaring, I'll do the spotting.
Excuse me, can you tell me who's in charge here? Captain Mainwaring.
He's the one shooting the gun.
Thank you.
You're doing ever so well, Mr Mainwaring.
That's two bulls and one inner.
Missed.
Missed.
What do you think you're doing? -Who are you? -I'm Perkins, the butler from the big hall.
I've got a message from His Lordship.
He says he's trying to take his afternoon rest so will you stop shooting? Doesn't he know there's a war on? And if His Lordship objects to the noise, why does he have a firing range on his estate in the first place? This range is for real soldiers, not Home Guards, and you're only here on sufferance.
So will you kindly jack it in, my good man? I'll take my ten shillings now.
What a terrible day, Wilson.
I don't think I've ever been so humiliated in all my life.
-I shouldn't take it too seriously if I were you, sir.
-Not take it too seriously? No, I really thought it was rather amusing.
After all, it's quite true.
-We're not real soldiers.
-Trust you to stand up for that snooty butler.
Well, he was only doing his job.
And His Lordship wanted to have a little nap in the afternoon.
You know, I can remember a cousin of mine with his butler -some years ago now -Oh, yes.
Just as I thought.
You privileged classes all stick together.
Things will be very different after the war.
You mark my words.
The common man will come into his own.
This country will be run by professionals.
Doctors, lawyers bank managers.
-People like you? -All right, yes.
People like me.
You mean common? Now, watch it, Wilson.
I didn't know you were a socialist, sir.
How dare you! -You'll take that back.
-But you just said that after the war, the country was going to be run by common men like you.
I said nothing about common men.
I said the common man.
People who've got somewhere by their own efforts, not because their father had a title.
-Their day's over.
-Well, I wonder what will happen to them.
They'll go to work.
That's what will happen to them.
We shall have a true democracy.
Supposing they don't want to go to work.
Well, they won't have any say in the matter.
I'm not having it.
-I am not having it.
-What's the matter, Mr Hodges? I caught Mr Bluett using this stirrup pump to spray his greenfly.
Here.
Give me my stirrup pump back.
You are not having it back.
You abused it.
It's my stirrup pump and I'll do what I like with it.
It's not yours.
It is on loan.
I don't care.
I'm having it back.
Let go of that.
How dare you? You wouldn't have done that to me if I was 57 years younger.
Why don't you stop bullying poor old Mr Bluett? Soapy water corrodes the washer.
Well, I've been using soapy water for 80 years and it hasn't corroded me.
I don't care.
You are not having it back and that is that.
I hate you.
-What? -I said I hate you.
And I ain't the only one.
Know what the kids around here do when your back's turned? (BABBLING) I don't believe it.
See? He's got feet of clay.
I think perhaps I should go, Mr Bluett.
He's not having my stirrup pump, though.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
(SOBBING) Leave me alone! I can't stand it.
I can't take any more, Napoleon.
Do you know, I'm the most hated man in this town? -Nobody's taking this war seriously.
-I agree with you there.
Well, it's only human nature, sir.
The Home Guard's been formed two years and there hasn't been an invasion yet, and people are beginning to think that we are just wasting our time.
That's exactly what Germany wants, isn't it? Lull us into a false sense of security and catch us when we're off guard.
Something's got to be done about it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
Yes? Permission for you to see a deputation, sir.
Oh.
Very well.
Thank you very much, sir.
Deputation into the office at the double.
Quick march! Deputation, halt! What's all this about? Well, sir, after this afternoon's humiliating experience, the men's morales are at rock bottom.
Do you know what they're calling us in the town? The Geriatric Fusiliers.
And in some cases, they're right.
Mr Mainwaring, my mum says that Home Guard training is turning a mild-mannered gentleman like Uncle Arthur into a brute.
Oh, Frank, really.
That's nonsense.
Do you remember when she asked you to do the washing up? You got cross and threw a teacup into the sink and it broke.
Yes, all right.
All right, Frank.
The thing is, men, we've got to do something to make this town appreciate the Home Guard.
Well, I look at it this way, sir.
It is our job to stop German paratroopers roaming round the country ravishing our maidens.
What we've got to do, well Do you remember when we took part in that Home Guard training film? You know, when we were dressed as German soldiers.
Well, the whole county was in an uproar 'cause they thought we was the real thing.
That's right.
You had to go and see the Area Commander in the morning, didn't you? By the way, sir, you never actually told us what he said to you.
I don't wish to discuss that any further, Wilson.
I know what we should do, sir.
We should all dress up as a bunch of fifth columnists and roam the countryside, and that would give the town a fright.
Oh, no.
I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy now, Jones.
Wait a minute.
That might do the trick.
Sir, I don't think I'd like to roam the countryside ravishing maidens.
-What do you think, Wilson? -No, sir.
No, it wouldn't work.
You see, they'd give the alarm and the army would be onto us like a shot.
Not if GHQ already knew about it.
-Can I come with you, Napoleon? -No! Oh, no, we don't want him.
No, no.
Mr Hodges has just had a similar experience.
Like us, he's only doing his duty and he's been reviled for it.
Yes, you can join us, Hodges.
-We'll shake this town out of its complacency.
-Oh, thank you, Napoleon.
You and me together will give them a fright they'll never forget.
We must all stIck together All stIck together I don't know what to say, Mainwaring.
I'm not very happy about the idea at all.
I think you'll agree, sir, that the people should be shaken out of their apathy.
Well, you may have a point there.
I inspected the Dymchurch Home Guard platoon last week, and there were so many absentees, it was like walking down a fish queue.
Well, there you are, you see.
Well, all right, but you must keep me informed of your every move.
I am going to call it Operation Wake-Up Walmington-on-Sea.
Just call it Operation Wake-Up.
Will do.
Where are you going to set up your HQ? Oh, in the old flour mill just outside the town.
I've asked the men to rendezvous there after dark on Saturday night.
I've also instructed them not to shave and to look as suspicious as possible.
What are they going to wear? They're going to be dressed as fifth columnists.
Well, what do fifth columnists wear? I've never met one.
Oh, something very sinister.
I've also told them to get themselves up as cut-throats and desperadoes.
I see.
-Well, good luck, Mainwaring.
-Thank you very much indeed, sir.
Cut-throats and desperadoes? You started somethIng Yes, you dId, but you dIdn't Where's the light switch? Operator? Walmington 382, please.
Yes.
What? What's my number? Oh, sorry.
(PHONE RINGING) -Hello? -Wake up.
Roger.
Eh? Wake up.
Roger.
My name's not Roger and I'm not asleep.
Who is this? It's me, the verger.
Where's Godfrey? He just popped out a minute and he's asked me to mind the phone.
Well, he had no business to pop out for a minute.
When he comes back, give him this message.
Operation Wake-Up, roger.
And tell him he's to ring Walmington 6 33 at once.
-Now, it's very urgent.
You've got that? -Yes, I've got it.
(WHISPERING) 6 33.
Captain Mainwaring's just been on the phone.
He left a message.
-Well, what was it? -Ah, yes, let me see.
Someone named Roger, he's just going to have an operation and you've got to ring that number at once.
It must be the hospital.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Can you get me 6 33, please? Could be an appendicitis.
Comes on very quick, you know.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) Is that the hospital? What? Is that you, Godfrey? How's Roger? Is he going to be all right? What are you babbling about? I just had a message that Roger had been taken ill with appendicitis and had to have an operation.
The message was that Operation Wake-Up has started.
Oh, oh.
Operation Wake-Up.
Now, pull yourself together, stand by that phone and don't go to sleep.
Don't worry, sir.
I got that part of the message all right.
Sir.
Take off that eye patch.
I thought of that first.
But you cannot have an eye patch with glasses.
I don't intend to have.
When I want to look suspicious, I take the glasses off.
Why don't you wear this over the other eye? Then you'd look even more suspicious.
Now, watch it, Frazer.
What game are you playing? You like it? I copied it from a photograph of Edward G Robinson in Scarface.
Brush the chalk off it.
You said we were supposed to look like cut-throats and desperadoes.
I didn't say anything about American gangsters.
Do you think that fits the bill? I think it looks absurd.
Well, you told us to make ourselves look as suspicious as possible.
There's a difference between looking suspicious and looking absurd.
Where did you get it from anyway? Well, I used to wear it every year at the Tramps Ball at the Savoy.
Oh, did you really? Yes.
I don't think I've ever seen anything look so stupid in my life.
Well, it's not as stupid as wearing an eye patch with glasses.
-Wilson.
-Yes.
I can understand Pike wearing something stupid.
Very young boy.
Vivid imagination.
Thinks everything's a game.
The only reason I can see for your dressing up like that would be to annoy me.
-Now get those gloves and that hat off at once.
-All right, sir, if you insist.
Would you mind? (HODGES WHISTLING) Oh, no.
Well, what do you think, sir? Bet you didn't know it was me.
You've gone too far.
Let me be a nun, Captain Mainwaring.
Everyone's dressing up as nuns these days.
It's in all the papers.
Look, don't argue.
Just get it off.
If I get it off, sir, I've got all my ordinary clothes on underneath, and I shan't look peculiar.
I wouldn't say that, son.
All right, all right.
Now, settle down, the lot of you.
Make yourselves as comfortable as you can for the night.
There are plenty of flour sacks about.
We move off at first light.
MoonlIght becomes you It goes wIth your haIr Platoon, halt! Look, this is no good, Wilson.
We don't look suspicious or furtive enough.
Yes, well, if I were to turn my collar up like this, make my eyes shifty like this Any good? No, not really.
-Jones.
-Sir.
Tell the men to march like a rabble, in a shifty and furtive manner.
Very good, sir.
Platoon! In a shifty and furtive manner, like a rabble quick march! Halt! -Jones.
-Yes, sir.
Go stop that truck and ask the driver where the aerodrome is.
Yes, sir.
I'll put on a German accent and that'll make me suspicious.
-Very good idea.
-Right, sir.
Halt! Halt! You silly old fool, I nearly ran you over! What do you want? (IN POOR GERMAN ACCENT) I want to know where is the aerodrome.
What aerodrome? Well, any aerodrome.
(IN GERMAN ACCENT) You heard what he said.
Where is it? You flipping foreigners, you're all barmy.
Don't take that tone with me, my man.
Mr Mainwaring, you look even more suspicious now.
We're getting nowhere at this rate, Wilson.
We've got to do something more drastic.
Well, the next time somebody comes by, why don't we grab Hodges and start hitting him to make it look as if we're trying to get secret information out of him? Good idea, Uncle Arthur.
I'll hit him first.
-You're not hitting me! -All right, Hodges.
We shall only pretend.
That's right, son.
We'll just pretend, like this.
That hurt! Something coming, Captain Mainwaring.
Right.
Frazer, Wilson, you two grab hold of him.
Pike, Jones, start interrogating him.
Come on, look frightened, Hodges.
PIKE: (AMERICAN ACCENT) You won't talk, hey, buddy? Why are you speaking like that, you stupid boy? -(GERMAN ACCENT) So you won't talk, huh? -Hit him.
Hey! What's going on? Ve are asking him the questions.
Ja, and we want some answers.
I'm sure I can help.
What do you want to know? -Don't tell him.
-Shut your mouth.
Nobody gets secrets out of me.
They're fifth columnists.
Don't talk rubbish.
That's Mr Jones, the butcher.
How did he know who I was? I live in Walmington.
I know all of you.
And I know you, mate.
The last time I was in your shop, you short-changed me.
Yes.
I've been waiting for this.
Come on, lads.
Let's get back to the ship.
-Sailing tonight, are you? -You shouldn't ask that, old-timer.
Careless talk costs lives, remember? Oh, sorry.
If you was to get down to the crossroads, you should be able to hitch a lift into Dover.
-It's only 20 miles, you know.
-Thanks.
Come on, Frenchy.
-Au revoIr, mes amIs.
-Good luck.
-French.
-Hmm.
You done that deliberate.
You held me while he hit me.
Oh, do stop whining.
It was your own fault.
Serves you right.
It's people like you that give us shopkeepers a bad name.
Halt! This is absurd, Wilson.
Nobody's taking any notice of us.
Why don't we try them men over there, sir? (CHATTERING) Good idea.
And this time, I'll do the talking.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? -You gonna use a German accent? -No, I'm not.
Where's the aerodrome? Just a minute.
-I think those men look very suspicious.
-They certainly do, sir.
Perhaps they're fifth columnists.
Well, they're dressed like us.
They must be fifth columnists.
We can't be certain.
Captain Mainwaring, we should ask to see their papers.
You're quite right.
Come on.
Who are you? -Who are you? -Why are you dressed like that? -Why are you dressed like that? -Don't repeat everything I say.
-Yes, they look like spies to me.
-Oh, don't be absurd.
-Show us your papers.
-Show us your papers.
Oh, I've had enough of this.
In the name of the King, I demand to see your papers.
-Not until you've shown us your papers.
-Show us yours.
-We're not going to.
-Oh, yes, you are.
-Oh, no, we're not.
-Oh, yes, you are.
(ALL ARGUING) Halt! Now, pay attention, men.
You know what we're going to do.
Come on.
Oi.
You can leave me out of this.
I've had enough.
All right, Hodges.
You stay here and hold your tongue.
Come on.
(GERMAN ACCENT) Yes, that was a very good morning's work, was it not? Ja, it was a very good morning's work.
Ja,ja.
It was a good morning's work.
Yes.
That's a fact.
Jawohl.
That is eIn fact.
We have seen the aerodrome.
Did you notice how many aeroplanes there were, meIn Herr? I made many notes.
Und we have seen the ships in the harbour.
Also, I wrote down the numbers of the ships.
But we need some more of the information.
Jawohl.
Why do we not ask them? This is a very good idea.
We will ask them the questions and we will get the answers.
That makes perfect sense.
That's done the trick.
Right, come on.
Let's get back to the mill, plan our next move.
-We can cut across the fields.
-Sir.
Hello, Mr Godfrey.
You still here? Yes, I'm in charge of the telephone.
I say, I wonder if you could carry on for me for a few minutes.
Yes, but don't be long.
It's nearly time for morning service.
Oh, I won't be.
-Good morning, Vicar.
-Morning, Mr Godfrey.
(MARCHING) MAN: Andhalt! Do you mind, Mr Yeatman? I want to get my sermon out of the drawer.
Morning, Padre! Mainwaring anywhere about? No, he's not here.
Sunday morning and he ain't here? Where the hell is he? I've no idea.
(PHONE RINGING) Reverend Timothy Farthing.
What? No, I'm afraid there's no one here.
-Oh, dear.
-Well, what's the matter? It's the police over at Dymchurch.
They want the Home Guard.
Typical of Mainwaring not to be here when he's wanted.
Lazy slacker! All right, I'll take it.
Get out of the way, for heaven's sake.
Hello, hello, hello.
Captain Square here, commanding Eastgate platoon, Home Guard, don't you know.
What? What? Good heavens! I say, are you sure? Right, I'll be over right away.
They say there's a bunch of fifth columnists over there, desperadoes armed to the teeth, asking questions about aerodromes.
They were last seen at the Six Bells.
I must get over there absolutely at once.
Where is the Six Bells? It's about five miles away, off the Dymchurch Road.
Damnation! We've got no transport.
We marched over here from Eastgate.
-Captain Mainwaring's van is in the yard.
-What a damned good idea, Padre.
-Shouldn't you ring GHQ? -No, no, no, no.
No, I can handle this and you can come with me and show me the way.
Oh, no, I don't want to get mixed up in any trouble.
Besides, it's nearly time for morning service and I've got to take the collection.
Well, never mind that, you old fool.
Come on, get out when I tell you to.
Come, out, out, out! Quick.
-Which way did they go? -They went that way, sir.
Right.
Don't worry, we'll get them.
Ha! Ha! Tally-ho! -Any sign of them, Captain Square? -No.
Nothing.
There they are! We've got them! Ha, ha! All right, men.
Back in the van.
-Good morning's work, eh, Wilson? -Yes.
-I think we gave them quite a fright.
-Great.
What are we doing now, Captain? We march on the gasworks now.
What for, sir? Well, 1 2:00, everybody cooking their Sunday lunch, we turn off the gas.
Right, men.
Surround the building! And not a sound! (BELLOWING) Come on, men! Follow me! What's that noise going on out there? It's Captain Square.
He's got my van! All right! I'll give you one minute to come out of there with your hands up or I'll blast you out! Don't panic! He's going to blast us out.
Don't panic! Don't panic! -Jones! -What are we going to do, sir? Well, I'm certainly not surrendering to that idiot Square.
Well, you know what a trigger-happy maniac he is.
He won't shoot.
Even he's not madman enough for that.
Charge! Mainwaring! What the hell are you doing here? You madman! You nearly killed us all.
Well, Mainwaring, I must say, for the last couple of years you've been behaving like a clown and now you look like one.
(GUFFAWING) Well, it got you going, didn't it? It fooled you completely.
Yes, we had you running all over the countryside.
I knew who it was the whole time.
Rubbish! You fell for it hook, line and sinker.
You're a fool.
You'll take that back, Mainwaring.
I'll take nothing back.
You've been a fool for years.
Don't you call me a fool, you fool! I'll report you to the Colonel.
You rotten sneak.
I'll have you kicked out of the golf club.
I'm not a member of the golf club.