Friends s09e01 Episode Script

Joey? Oh, my God.
Okay.
So I guess we should make it official, huh? Look, Rach, I Hey, Ross is here! Hey, look, it's my good friend Ross! - Hey, Ross.
- Hey, Joey.
- Hey, you.
- Hey, you.
And he brought flowers! Thanks, Ross.
I'm really more of a candy kind of guy.
You're weird today.
Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Yeah.
Actually, I kind of need to talk to you too.
- Joey, could you give us a minute? - No.
- What? - I'm sorry.
I meant, "No.
" Hi.
Hey, look who's here.
Where's my granddaughter? I've been practicing my magic tricks.
He pulled a quarter out of my ear.
- Hey, where's Mom? - She went to pick up Aunt Liddy.
Aunt Liddy's coming? That means we get $5 each! So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this: Okay, wow.
Emma's in the nursery.
I'll take you now if you want.
- But I really want to talk to you.
- I know.
I still need to talk to you.
But before you guys do that, I need to talk to you.
And, Ross, I need to talk to you.
- And I need to talk to you.
- About what? To see if you know what these guys are talking about.
The One Where No One Proposes mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 Isn't she beautiful? Look at her, my first grandchild.
What about Ben? Well, of course, Ben.
I meant my first granddaughter.
Have you thought any more about you and Rachel? Yeah, actually I was gonna talk to her when you guys came in the room.
That's so exciting! Wow.
You could've done that with us there.
- Yeah, right.
- Sure.
Okay.
You can touch yourself in front of us, but you can't talk to Rachel.
What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys? Oh, please.
Just before, when you were asleep in the lounge.
That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.
That reminds me.
That Mr.
Hazmegian still has my Game Boy.
- Chandler, can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
Dude, I just did something terrible.
That was you? I thought it was Jack.
No, no.
That was Jack.
Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me.
- What? Why does she think that? - Because it kind of looked like I did.
Again, what? Okay, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand As we all are at some point during the day.
It wasn't my ring.
It fell out of Ross' jacket and when I knelt down to pick it up, Rachel thought I was proposing.
Ross had a ring? And he was gonna propose? - I guess.
- And you did it first? This is gonna kill him.
You know how much he loves to propose.
I know.
I know.
It's awful.
Well, what did she say? She said, "Yes.
" Does Ross know? Oh, my God.
What the hell am I gonna tell him? - Maybe you don't have to tell him.
- I like that.
Yeah.
If you clear things up with Rachel, Ross never needs to find out.
But you have to do it before he hears about it and kicks your ass.
All right, let's not get carried away.
I want a baby.
Honey, we've been over this.
I need to be facing the other way.
If we have sex again, it'll double our chances of getting pregnant.
- I think that closet's still available.
- I am so tired.
- Yeah, okay, but no foreplay.
- Deal! Dad, seriously! You know, you really should see someone about that.
Noted.
I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute.
Are you gonna be okay alone for a bit? Are you kidding me? I could stay and look at her forever.
Actually - Hey.
- Hi.
Are you all right? - I think I just got engaged.
- Oh, my God! He did it? What? Did you know he was gonna ask me? Are you kidding? I'm, like, the one who talked him into it.
I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.
- And you really think this is a good idea? - I just talked him into it.
Don't tell me I have to do you too? - The puppet master gets tired, people.
- Okay.
I don't know.
It just doesn't feel right.
Why? You two are so meant to be together.
Everybody thinks so.
Really? Even Ross? Especially Ross.
Hey, Pheebs.
You know what? I'll come back later.
Wow.
Kind of a full house here.
I guess I'll just I'll come back.
There he goes.
Your fiance.
I guess so.
Although he does play with himself in his sleep.
I can't say I'm surprised.
- Dad, what are you doing? - There are people in there having sex.
It can't be me.
I'm standing right here.
- Wanna peek? - No! Come on.
You know what? I don't like you without Mom.
Come on.
We're not peeking? Well, I'm peeking.
Oh, my God! Hello, sir.
You know Monica.
- Hey, is it okay to come in? - Of course.
Joey, this ring, l It's beautiful.
I love it.
Yeah.
Look, Rach, there's something I gotta tell you.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Are you ready to try nursing again? - Yeah.
Hi, Emma.
Why do you think she won't take my breast? It's all right.
It takes babies a while to get it.
- But don't worry, it'll happen.
- Okay.
Okay, sweetie, you can do it.
Just open up and put it in your mouth.
Dear Lord.
- I'm sorry, honey, what were you saying? - Yeah, look, I think that Because, look! She's pulling away again.
Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? She looks scared.
Doesn't she look scared? You know, I don't really know her.
Why don't we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow? - Okay.
- Are you kidding me? This is so frustrating.
Why doesn't she want my breast? I don't know! Maybe she's crazy! - Hey, wait up.
- Hi.
Congratulations.
I didn't want to say anything in front of Joey.
I didn't know if he knew.
What? That we had a baby? Now let's give him a little credit.
Although he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.
No, no, that you and Rachel are engaged.
- What? - Oh, it's a secret? Goody.
Yes! We haven't done the secret thing in a long time.
Phoebe, there is no secret, okay? I didn't propose.
Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us you were a doctor? I am a doctor! You know what? I'm just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself.
All right.
Well, me too.
- Well, should we wake her up? - No.
No.
Come on, let her sleep.
- She's so exhausted.
- And so engaged.
Oh, my God.
She thinks we're engaged! Why? Why, why would she think we're engaged? Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? You know, Ross, doctors are supposed to be smart.
- I didn't give her that ring.
- You didn't? - No! - So whose ring is it? It's mine.
- Is it an engagement ring? - Yes.
- But you didn't give it to her? - No.
- But you were going to propose? - No! I might be losing interest in this.
Look.
Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel.
But all I wanted to do was see if she maybe, kind of wanted to start things up again.
What beautiful lukewarm sentiment.
I didn't want to rush into anything.
It seemed like she didn't want to either.
But I don't understand how any of this happened.
What, did she find the ring in my jacket, assume I was gonna propose throw it on and just start telling people? No, no.
She said you actually proposed to her.
Well, I didn't! I didn't propose! Unless Did I? I haven't slept in 40 hours and It does sound like something I would do.
Look, we can't stay in here forever.
It's just, I still can't believe that my dad saw us having sex.
He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees! This is okay.
We're all adults here.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Now, let's put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door.
Hi, Dad.
- I can still call you that, right? - Of course.
I'll always be your dad.
I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun.
- It wasn't fun? - Why, why, why would you? Look, I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want.
Well, I don't think that.
Before today, I never thought of you two having sex at all.
It was a simpler time.
The truth is, Dad, we're trying.
- What? - Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant.
Oh, my God, this is so exciting.
Well, get back in there! I'll guard the door! That's okay, Dad, we can wait until later.
Whoa! I don't think so.
Aren't you ovulating? Daddy! You gotta get at it, princess.
When your mother and I were trying to conceive you whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it! That's how I got my bad hip.
That's funny.
This conversation's how I got the bullet hole in my head.
This one time I had my knee on the sink, and your mother was Daddy, I don't think we need to hear the specific positions you and Mom had.
You're right.
This is about your positions.
Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child.
- Although it might feel good.
- I don't feel good right now.
But pleasure is important, and it helps if the woman has an orgasm.
You up to the task, sailor? Seriously, sir, my brains, all over the wall.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, I need to tell you something.
Well, now's a good time.
I'm on my way to have my ears cut off.
Joey asked me to marry him.
- What? - Joey proposed to me.
- Is he crazy? You just had Ross' baby! - Well, I said yes.
What, are you crazy? You just had Ross' baby! It's so inappropriate.
No, it is worse than that.
It is wrong.
It is bigger than mine! I know.
"Days of our Lives", thank you very much.
- You can't marry him.
- Why not? Come on, I don't want to do this alone, and he's such a sweet guy.
And he loves me so much.
Well, do you love him? Sure.
- Sure? - Yeah, I mean, whatever.
Honey, the question is do you really want to marry Joey? No.
No, I don't.
Could you be a dear and go tell him? You still haven't told Rachel you weren't proposing? No.
She had the ring on she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.
Joey, you have to tell her what's going on.
And what did it look like? I didn't look at it.
The stupid baby's head was blocking most of it.
Go and tell Rachel right now, before Ross finds out.
Look, it's not that easy.
She said she wanted to marry me.
I don't want to hurt her.
Okay, look, just do it gently.
You're right.
You're right.
I'll go tell her now before Ross finds out, and I'll be gentle.
I can do that.
I am a gentle person.
By the way, two people screwing in there if you want to check that out.
Hey.
Hey.
Listen, I heard about the engagement.
Surprised? And confused.
Rach, sweetie I didn't propose to you.
I know.
I don't think you do.
You didn't propose to me.
Joey did.
Poor baby, you're so tired.
Rach, I didn't propose to you.
Joey didn't propose to you.
And Chandler didn't propose to you.
You didn't propose to me.
Chandler didn't propose to me.
But Joey did.
Joey proposed to you? - I can come back.
- Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
- Joey, did you propose to her? - No.
- Yes, you did.
- Actually, technically, I didn't.
- Well, then, why did you give me a ring? - Wait.
- You gave her the ring? - No, and I did not ask her to marry me.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did, and don't you say you didn't! He was right there.
He got down on one knee and he proposed.
- You were down on one knee? - Yeah, that looks bad.
But I didn't propose.
- Then what did happen? - Yeah, what did happen? Okay, the ring fell on the floor, and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing.
Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?" - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
Oh, my God, you didn't.
- Why didn't you tell me that before? - Well, I tried but people kept coming in, and then you took your breast out.
You saw her breast? I'll tell you about it later.
Be cool.
Then what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring? It wasn't my ring! It's Ross' ring.
That's why I felt so bad, Rach, because he was gonna propose.
What?! You were gonna propose to me? No.
Well, this is awkward.
But I was going to see if, you know, maybe you wanted to start dating again.
- But that, I mean, that was all, Rach.
- Dude, step up.
I proposed.
No, you didn't.
That's right.
There's a lot going on here, and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier.
Hey, she just woke up.
She's hungry.
Why don't we give this another try? I can't believe you told her I was gonna propose.
- I can't believe you're not gonna.
- Hey, I am not gonna rush into anything.
Yeah, dude, I totally understand.
Usually after I have a baby with a woman, I like to slow things down! - Oh, my God! - What? She's doing it! She's breast-feeding! It's beautiful.
- I'll come back for her later.
- Thank you.
- Wow, this feels weird.
- What, good weird? Wonderful weird.
You know what, you guys? I'm gonna go too.
And I'm sorry about everything.
- Honey, don't worry, it was my mistake.
- No, Rach, I should've told you sooner.
It's just that Man, that kid is going to town! She's perfect.
We're so lucky.
We really are.
Look, I know it's not a proposal, and I don't know where you are but with everything that's been going on and with Emma, I'm - I've been feeling - Yeah, I know.
I've been feeling - Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay, well, that Wow, okay, well Then maybe at least we can talk about us again? Yeah.
Maybe.
Well, good.
Okay.
I kind of think, you know, if we, if You're wearing the ring.
What's that? And you told Phoebe you were engaged.
I'm sorry, what? When you thought Joey proposed did you say yes? Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up these pamphlets on how to get pregnant.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi.
Sorry to bother you again, but could you pass my pamphlets back? Thank you.