Futurama s09e01 Episode Script

1
[music]
[theme song playing]
♪
Aw.
You're all such talented artists!
I'm gonna put this cute
little guy on the corkboard.
This isn't kid's stuff, Mom!
We're making NFTs.
NFTs?
So, like digital art, right?
[snorts] Hardly.
Though, in this case, yes.
NFTs stands for non-fungible token.
That means it's unique.
Ah! So, if I buy an NFT,
I'm the only one who has that image.
- No.
- But I own the original?
Meesh, Mom!
No one wants the original!
[fire whooshes]
So if I were to buy an NFT,
what would I actually own?
A concept.
In the form of a digital token
stored on the blockchain.
[echoing, slowing]
Blockchain. Blockchain. Block
Blockchain, eh?
That is so interest
[Bender snoring]
[bell dings]
[gasps]
I sold my horsie NFT!
Someone bought Mandy's
awful horse drawing?
- Uh-huh! For $3!
- [gasps] Wha? Money? Who said money?
Nobody, but top NFTs
do sell for millions.
Like this collection.
[beep]
The Apathetic Fish Society.
LEELA: They look kinda cool,
yet also extremely stupid.
Cool yet stupid, you say?
Clearly, I, Bender,
am destined to be
the next smash-hit NFT!
You know, he might be
just stupid enough.
Might be.
[funky music playing]
Look at that. Yeah. Oh.
[shutter snapping]
Hm. Come on now!
Yeah. Hit it up.
Ooh!
Hey.
[typing]
It's go time!
[cracks knuckles]
The Bender Collection drops in three,
- two
- Let's sell some Bender!
[gunshot]
[owl hoots]
Oops. [nervous laugh]
Wrong gun.
[bell dings]
[Bender gasps]
"Bender with Sombrero"
just sold for one cent!
That's 'cause I bought it.
You know, to trick suckers
into thinking it's valuable.
[bell dings]
Then I paid a quarter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
This whole NFT thing
is completely crooked?
I love it!
[bells dinging]
[laughs] It's happening!
The suckers are snapping up
Bender's NFTs now!
[all cheering]
How much did I make?
You're not gonna believe this.
- You just made 90
- Million?
- Four
- Thousand?
- Dollars!
- Cents?
Wait. $94?
Woo-hoo! I'm rich!
In your face, kids who helped me!
♪
You children really earned that ice cream.
I probably should have paid for it.
- Anyway, thanks for the ice cream.
- [pad beeping] Huh.
Apparently, one buyer
purchased all of Bender's NFTs.
[laughing] Wha What kinda
idiot would do that? [laughs]
That kind.
[dramatic sting]
[gasps]
[gagging]
[quiet chatter]
Note how the apathy conveyed by the fish
is exceeded only by
the laziness of the art itself.
- Oh, yes.
- Fabulous.
- Quite so.
- And here's a piece
we just acquired for $94.
[impressed gasping, murmuring]
- That's me! That's my NFT!
- Excuse me? No.
This piece belongs to the museum.
Could you step aside, sir?
- You're blocking the art.
- I am the art!
That NFT represents
the very concept of me, Bender.
That concept now resides
in our NFT, so scoot!
[metal scraping]
BENDER: But! But! But!
♪
[sobbing] I've lost everything!
I sold off all the little pieces of me!
Can't you just hack in
and get your NFT back?
Dad! That hacking stuff only
happens in stupid TV shows.
Does it look like we're in
a stupid TV show?
- Kind of.
- The blockchain is cryptographically secure.
- There's no way to hack in.
- Unless you can factor
a million-digit number,
which I very much doubt. [snorts]
I can't even factor six!
I've tried!
[sobbing]
I don't know who
or what I'm anymore!
[sobbing]
Well, according to your self-published,
handwritten autobiography,
you're Bender Rodriguez,
the coolest Mexican
bending robot in the world.
- And also my best friend.
- Then truly I have nothing!
Goodbye, jerks! I'm off to
rediscover the concept of Bender!
Perhaps in the land of my ancestors.
What land was that again?
- Mexxxico, with three Xs.
- Got it.
[whimpers]
Adios, carnitas bags.
[door closes]
[thud]
Oh!
[rumbling]
[horn blaring]
[doors hiss]
[grunts]
[straining, grunts]
Ah, Mexico.
Maybe here in the land
of my robo-ancestors,
I can find myself.
[dramatic sting]
- Hola, amigo.
- Close enough.
[cantina music playing]
[sipping]
Yep, it's shiny and metal, alright.
- [sips] And what of your ass?
- ¡También es magnífico!
[glasses clink]
[gulping]
[belching]
We must've been made
in the same factory.
We have so much in common!
Come, amigo!
I will take you to my village,
where my family
has lived for centuries
without a single software update.
[tropical music playing]
Mexico has been home
to many great empires.
The Toltecs, the Aztecs,
and in the 2200s, the Nanotecs.
- The ancient stone robots?
- Sí.
Everywhere we still find ruins
of their great civilization.
[cracking, crumbling]
Because, uh,
they were bad at building stuff.
♪
[dot matrix printer whirring]
Here, our people still fire pottery
just as the ancients did.
- ¿Quién es este idiota?
- Please, the pleasure is all mine.
[children giggling]
Hey, what are those dorks doing?
Playing "Hoop,"
our ancient national sport.
Whoever gets the ball
through the hoop wins.
- Aw. It's cute how bad they suck.
- Well, it's basically
impossible to score.
The ball is just a big heavy rock.
[clang]
[yelps]
Hey!
That was the best shot I ever seen!
- It nearly went through!
- [pained] I'm great, alright.
[blowing]
And here is where my familia
has lived for generations.
- Welcome to Casa Rodriguez.
- That's so weird.
The house and me
have the same last name!
You are Bender Rodriguez?
I am Doblando Rodriguez!
We are all some kind of Rodriguezes!
Everyone, say hola to Bender,
my long-lost cousin!
ALL: Hola, Bender.
- ¡Hola, Tío Bender!
- Ah! Parasite!
[grunts]
[metal crunching]
Bender, this is my Abuelatron.
- And yours, too, come to think of it.
- [gasps] You're my grandma?
I can't believe I've never met you before!
Oh, Nieto.
You move away when
you just eight seconds old.
- I can tell you are muy especial.
- I really am.
And so is this rusty
old village. [sniffles]
I feel so surrounded by love.
Bah, I don't like talk about feelings.
Time for a drink.
[whirring]
You're a booze bag?
Me, too!
[Abuelatron laughs]
[dark music playing]
Poor Bender'll never have
another moment of happiness
unless we can get his NFT back.
But I know it's impossible
'cause of blockchain.
Blockchain's not the boss of me!
I say we grab it off the wall and run.
- I've always wanted to pull a museum heist.
- Oh, you poor ignorant dopes.
You can't just steal an NFT off the wall.
To steal an abstract
mathematical construct,
- you need a professor.
- And we have a professor!
Now, as everyone knows,
the secret to a good heist is
the more complex, the better.
Which is why I 3D printed this
exact scale model of the museum.
We know.
We've been staring at it.
[Ocean's 11 -style music playing]
I even purchased tiny NFTs
at tremendous expense
to simulate the museum's collection.
And there's a fully
functioning tiny cafeteria!
[rotisserie whirring]
Here, behind this bulletproof glass wall,
is the museum's secure computer room,
where the digital file of Bender's NF
is actually located.
Not in the TV itself,
as certain unnamed idiots might think.
- Rude.
- There's one thing you
didn't think of, Professor.
The museum's full of security cameras.
And there's one thing
you didn't think of,
which is that I did think of that.
[bonking]
You see, my model also has
a fully functioning security system.
I'll simply jack into
the real security feed
and replace it with
the feed from my model.
The guards won't see us breaking in.
They'll just see these adorable
little empty galleries.
I don't care if they can't see me.
I paid for this custom one-eyed mask,
and I'm wearing it!
[gentle music playing]
[yawning]
[dogs barking]
[whirring]
[grinding]
Oh, those look amazing, Abuelatron.
Living in a big city,
I've only ever had the handmade kind.
The old ways are the best, Bender.
Here, try one.
Oh, man, that's good!
I wouldn't mind having seconds.
[loud chewing]
[laughs] You know, Bendejo, I used
to love cooking with your mother.
BENDER [emotionally]:
C-Could you tell me about her?
I-I barely remember anything
because she was so uninteresting.
Oh, she was such a kind,
thoughtful arm.
Always picking things up
to give to others.
Which reminds me.
This is an ancient quipu
passed down from our ancestors.
Your mother, well,
she wanted you to have it.
- Then why didn't she give it to me?
- Because I steal it.
[both laugh]
Hey, uh, what's with the weird knots?
Maybe some kind of ancient code.
No one knows what it is anymore.
I don't know what I is
anymore either. [sniffles]
But thank you.
- I steal again. [giggles]
- Ooh, you are a bad grandma!
Mm-hmm!
[laughs]
♪
Get ready to lose, primo!
Ha! You miss more shots
than a stormtrooper!
[gasps, grunts]
[stone crunches]
- Yes! Closer than usual!
- Oh yeah? Watch this.
[clanking]
[grunting]
TOUCAN: Oh
You know, the annual village
hoop tournament is tomorrow.
You think I'm good enough?
I still never actually scored a point.
Bender, the victor wins
great honor for his family.
Then I shall win it for you!
♪
Welcome to Hoop Day,
our most popular
and only event of the year!
[crowd cheering]
May this contest please
the ancient Nanotec emperors,
deep in their subterranean tombs.
It's gonna be fundito on a bundito!
[blows whistle]
[dramatic music playing]
[clanging]
[fizzling]
[giggles]
[crowd cheering]
[metal crunching]
[crowd cheering]
[metal crunching]
[crowd cheering]
Man!
It's like no one else is even trying.
I'm literally killing guys left and right!
We pray our finalists
Bender and Doblando
will please the ancients with
an epic display of trash talk.
- Good luck, primo.
- Love ya, cuz.
[snapping]
Hey! Save it for the match!
[blows whistle]
[mysterious music playing]
♪
[muffled rockets blasting]
[pained grunting]
Switching to miniature security feed.
[beeping]
I mean, Charlene's great,
and it feels like love,
but, hell, I ain't sure
I even know what love is.
[beeping]
Hey, did them screens just blink?
Man, why every time I talk feelings,
- you gotta change the damn subject?
- I'm sorry, URL. I'll do better.
[Bender and Doblando grunting]
HIGH PRIESTBOT:
After three days of thrilling play,
the score is tied zero-zero
with only two days left
on the shot clock.
[Doblando grunting]
[crowd cheering]
Oh! And Doblando gets by Bender
with a magnificent ass-fake!
[grunting, panting]
[yelps]
[crowd gasps]
[flatly] Oh, no!
I have accidentally lost the ball!
[Bender laughs]
HIGH PRIESTBOT:
Bender goes strong to the hoop!
[triumphant music playing]
[grunts]
Swish, baby! In my face!
[crowd cheering]
Queso on a cross!
Bender has won the tournament!
Woo!
[gasps] I so proud of you,
my little pachuco.
[Abuelatron kissing]
Grandma, you're embarrassing me!
Now do the other side.
[Abuelatron kissing]
[Bender laughing]
[applause]
[sentimental music playing]
[mysterious music playing]
[bell dings, doors rattle]
Let's do this, why not?
♪
Nothing in our way now
but a foot of bulletproof glass.
You're on, Zoidberg.
[snipping]
- Uh-oh. I can't snip it!
- Who said anything about snipping?
Here, step in.
[bubbling]
When boiled,
shellfish emit an intense scream
at precisely 2,000 hertz.
I'm feeling 2,000 hurts right now.
[high-pitched scream]
[dramatic crescendo]
[typing]
PROFESSOR: Ah-ha!
[beeping]
I've found Bender's NFT!
[alarm blaring] Uh-oh.
It's the alarm at Planet Express!
There's been a break-in!
[alarm blaring]
[Amy grunting]
Scram, you saucers.
Go on, beat it.
It's a miniature art heist!
They're stealing those little NFTs!
I guess my parents
never showed much affection,
so in my own sex life
[alarm blaring]
- URL: Robbery in progress, baby.
- Oh, thank God. [cocks gun]
Most of all, I want to thank my familia
for giving me back
the concept of who I am.
It turns out I'm you.
And I'm also this beautiful place
and my proud heritage.
It all adds up to
Bender Bending Rodriguez,
Champion of Hoop!
[crowd cheering]
I will never forget you, Bender.
[sobbing]
Bender, you have won the ultimate honor.
Soon, you shall meet
the ancient emperors themselves.
- Ooh, fun! When?
- Right after we sacrifice you.
[dramatic sting]
Uh, I think you're
confused, padre. I won.
If anybody's getting sacrificed
- [whispers] it should be him.
- Oh no, no, no, no!
The honor of death goes to the winner.
What? Hey, wait a second.
You sucked on purpose!
How can you say such a thing?
I tried almost my very best.
Our champion shall die gloriously,
on the altar of the ancients!
- What altar?
- It's down there.
Where? Over [screams]
Bite my shiny metal ass
[slowly fading]
I guess we'll never know
what he was trying to say.
♪
Thanks for springing us
from the joint, kids.
Mommy said you're a cautionary tale.
What matters is we heisted Bender's NFT.
Before they nabbed us,
I managed to download it
onto my USB toothstick.
[cracking]
[slight lisp]
Then, I deleted the original.
[laughter, cheering]
ZOIDBERG: We did it!
- Ugh, that's not how an NFT works.
- Is too!
- But I hit delete! Really hard!
- You can't just delete an NFT!
There are billions of copies
stored all over the universe.
- Uh-whuh?
- But only the museum
has access to a hash code
on the blockchain that
- authenticates ownership.
- But! But!
[angry straining]
[slight lisp] I should not have
booby-trapped my toothstick.
Ass!
[clanging, clattering]
[woozy groaning]
[bones clicking]
[yelps]
[whirring]
Well, not the worst hole
I've ever woken up in.
[ominous music playing]
[stone scraping]
[fire whooshing]
No way.
The ancient emperors are real?
Ah, what a load.
[grunts]
They're just dumb carvings.
[stone rumbling]
Uh, did I say dumb?
I-I meant majestic.
[stone scraping]
EMPERORS: Bender
[shrieks]
You have pleased us
with your thrilling hoop victory.
Qué magnífico, Bender.
You came to play and gave it 110%.
It was 109, but thanks for rounding up.
Uh, what are those weird
string dealies on your chest?
It's an old technology
known as string memory.
The bits are represented
by ones and knots.
Oh, so it's like a computer program?
Sí.
Each program is stored in a quipu.
That one does spreadsheets,
that one solves
the traveling salesman problem,
and that one lets you play
solitaire on your phone.
- BENDER: And that one?
- EMPEROR: Es macramé.
So these strings can compute anything?
'Cause there's this NFT I'd like to steal.
N-No, no, no, no, no.
¡Los NFTs tienen
seguridad criptográfica!
To steal an NFT off the blockchain,
you'd have to be able
to factor huge integers
in polynomial time.
I know, I know.
A little kid told me.
You got a quipu that can handle it?
Alas, no.
We once had such an algorithm,
but it was lost to history.
"The Algorithm of the Gods,"
we called it,
knotted of beautiful
blue and gold threads.
Blue and gold?
[both gasp]
- ¡Es un milagro!
- I can't believe it!
At last, the Algorithm of the Gods
has been returned
to its rightful home!
Aw, come on! You've already
got a wall full of algorithms!
How about I just keep it
as my parting gift?
Bender, it's called the
Algorithm of the Gods for a reason.
Porque es too powerful
for the mortal world.
But it was given to me
by my poor old mother,
What's Her Name. [sniffles]
Can I at least kiss it goodbye?
You have moved my soul.
One kiss.
[kissing]
[vacuuming, slurps]
[laughing maniacally]
- See ya, fossils!
- After him!
We no move, estupido.
♪
[whirring, clicking]
So how was Me-he-co?
Yeah, what was it like
meeting your family?
Well, it was kinda like meeting
the different facets of myself
'cause they were all great.
Sounds like your family's
a lot like your NFT.
Yeah, and that's why I want it back!
To remind me of my people or whatever.
What's the holdup?
Dude, calculations
this massive take time.
You can't just plug in a quipu
and expect it to
[bell dings]
Wow. That's a fast quipu.
The NFT is all yours again, Bender.
[Bender gasps]
In some way I don't understand
even the slightest bit,
I'm back, baby!
[all cheering]
And the best part of all
is knowing that blasted museum
- won't be able to show it anymore.
- Um, actually
- What?!
- Why is it still here?
- I hate this place!
- As we've been trying to tell you,
no person or museum
can own the image.
What Bender owns is the NFT.
[exasperated screaming]
Guys, it's okay.
I'm actually fine with this.
- Really? Why?
- Because I now own the factors
of a million-digit binary number
that no one else can ever have,
- and that's what's truly important to me.
- Well, yeah, but you're a robot.
Why would a human want an NF
- if it's just some huge string of numbers?
- No conceivable reason.
[sentimental music playing]
[ending theme playing]
♪