It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s09e01 Episode Script

When I'm too blind to see And how you used the love I give you CHARLIE: Dee, what are you doing? DEE: I'm eating cake.
I can see that you're eating cake, but that's Frank's cake from, like, a month ago.
I threw that in the trash! DENNIS: Oh, my God.
Seriously? Yes! Dee, you're eating trash cake and smoking? I mean, you know what you look like? You look like Like a bird? Yeah.
Yeah, of course you look like a bird.
Yeah.
You always look like a bird.
But I was gonna say, uh, you look like a Like a, like a bird lady covered in bird shit eating cake? Dee, slow down, all right? Yeah.
Let the man do this.
Let me do my thing.
You're jumping on my thing here.
MAC: You know what she looks like? She looks like a bird that has no A bird with no tits and no ass? Dee, let us handle Yeah.
FRANK: I got one, I got one.
Go, go, go, go, go, go! She looks like Like a bird.
That was it.
Was that it? Ah That was it.
See? That would have been funny, Dee.
Right.
Yeah, Dee, don't What are you doing? You know, that's not fun.
Stop.
Stop whatever this is.
I don't like it.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I'm sorry.
Don't apologize.
That's just sad.
Fight back at us.
What's the point? The joke's always on me, all right? I get it.
Yeah, but it's no fun unless you fight back.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go home.
Good, go home.
I hope you, uh You hope I get hit by a bus? Dee, come on, that's What difference does it make? I can't get any lower than I am already.
I might as well just throw myself in front of a bus though, because I'm so ugly I can't even get a bus to hit on me.
Well.
Geez.
What the hell was that all about? I'll tell you exactly what that was.
(door opens) Dee? Dee, are you dead? Did you kill yourself, Dee, or? Ah.
Dee, why is your door unlocked? Do you realize how unsafe that is? Mm-hmm.
Okay, Dee, this is truly pathetic, and you are really bringing us down, so we're gonna help you out.
We realize we may be in some ways responsible for the state you're in.
Yeah, all right, so we got an idea though, okay? We're gonna sign you up for an open mic night at a comedy club! Yes.
Right? That's your thing! And we're actually gonna support you, Dee.
And now that you don't care anymore, you're not gonna gag on stage.
Yeah, you know, you're right in that sweet spot between, like, suicidal and actually dead, where most comedians, they thrive there.
Yeah, what was that thing you said about how the joke's always on you? That could be a catchphrase.
Dee, look, I don't want to pile on here, 'cause you're clearly very close to killing yourself Yeah.
but I got to say, I totally disagree with the guys on this.
I'm glad you've given up.
And I want to propose something totally different: I would like to find you a man.
Come on.
Yeah.
A man to settle down with.
Now, I'm not talking about a smart man, not-not a handsome man, but a very, very average if not below average man to take you off of our hands forever.
Yeah, okay.
Go ahead.
Go with it.
Go with it? Which one? You were not clear.
The thing.
Whatever.
Both.
I don't care.
Let's-let's do my plan.
The comedy plan.
Let's do our plan.
We're gonna do the comedy plan, all right? Meh.
(breathing into microphone) (hushed): Dude, she is gonna bomb so hard, and then she's gonna feel worse.
(hushed): It's okay, dude.
She'll tell a couple jokes, and then we'll, like, fake laugh and stuff, you know? And tomorrow we can shit on her.
And she'll fight back and be happy again.
Say something! (listlessly): I decided to stop showering.
(Frank laughs) Too much, Frank, too much.
That's There was no joke told.
I just figured, "What's the point? I'm just a filthy person.
" I passed out at the park the other day, and a couple of kids wrote, "Wash me" in the filth on my vagina.
(laughter) Gross.
That was kind of funny, man.
That was kind of funny.
It was so gross.
It was gross.
Yeah, but that guy over there laughed.
I guess, joke's on me.
(laughter) There's the catchphrase.
Yeah, yeah! Ca Yeah, that's like a ca This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna go select some men for Dee.
This is a waste of time.
Um, I stepped in front of a bus, but it missed me.
I can't even get a bus to hit on me.
(laughter) People are laughing! We love it! For real.
For real? Yeah! Knock, knock, knock.
Can we say hi? There she is! Comedy star.
Dee so funny.
Really funny.
Oh, my God, so funny.
Great! It was absolutely great! You did the bus joke, and it was like They loved the catchphrase.
They loved the catchphrase! And think about this, Dee.
You didn't even gag once.
Not one dry heave, nothing.
I guess I did pretty good.
Yeah, great! "Pretty good," she said! Dee, it was one of those shows where you're, like, "Whoa!" Oh, my goodness.
And then your brain goes (makes explosion sound).
All right, guys, will you stop, okay? You're not helping.
Please, go get a drink, all right? Give us a second.
I need to talk to Dee.
We tried.
Yeah, you tried.
That was it.
Thanks, guys.
All right, listen, listen to me.
Your set tonight was terrible.
It was atrocious.
Every single thing that came out of your mouth was trash.
It was filth.
It was disgusting.
That's what really happened, okay? I want to be very clear about this.
Now, listen, I brought some men for you to look at, all right? I've got some selections.
Now, they're not great.
They're not, they're not anybody to brag about, but, uh, you know, they're men.
And they're probably willing to spend their life with you, so Uh, hey, uh, sorry to interrupt.
My name's Snyder, and I'm a talent scout.
And I just caught your last set.
You were hilarious.
So I just wanted to give you my card.
Give me a call.
No, she will not be calling you, sir, okay? Please do not encourage her.
Get out of here.
You're-you're interrupting my work, all right? You're not on my list of chosen men.
Why would you be? What are you? Christ.
What are you doing? Why would you do that? Come on, Dee.
That guy clearly just lurks around these places pretending to be a talent scout so he can hit on women.
Now look-look at my selects, all right? Look at these guys, huh? (Dee gasps) Yeah, I know.
This one's just, like, one big chin.
Well, I didn't have a lot to work with.
You know, here we are, and look at you.
I mean, for Christ's sakes, look.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Look, I want this to work, I really do.
So I know I can do better, all right? Can you do better, all right? I'm gonna be at your house tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.
m.
Have some new candidates for you to look at, all right? Okay.
This is gonna work.
This is not gonna work.
Let's get you cleaned up, all right? God, everything you did tonight was so gross.
Dee, open up! Open! You're locking your door all of sudden? What is that? Come on.
You care all of a sudden? What? What? Hey, let me in.
I got selections for you.
Now's not a good time.
I'm right in the middle of something.
They're good selections.
Hey, it's the time I said, so it's the time it'll be.
Now let me in.
I got selects.
I don't care about your selects.
Go! What are you doing? Are you hiding something? No.
Is someone in there? No, no.
Don't worry about it.
Let me in or I'll barge in.
Hey, everything all right over there, Dee? Yeah, it's fine.
Oh, no.
Dee, oh Oh! Snyder? Mm-hmm.
He's clearly using you.
Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.
I am not using him.
Oh, you're not using him? Nope.
Oh, good, good, good, good.
So, you like him? Mm-hmm.
Find him attractive? Absolutely.
Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.
(Dee scoffs) He's got he's got all of his skin, still.
Well, I would hope so.
And that he has plenty of teeth to get But not all of them? No, not all of them.
Hmm.
Dee, why can't you see that this is the same pattern that you always fall into? Some guy uses you or you use him.
And then you know what happens? It's use, use, use, fail, fail, fail, and then it's suicide.
You think you can't go any lower? Because you can.
Oh, yeah? Well, he got me another gig for tonight, boner.
What do you think of about that? (making goofy noises) What-what is that? What are you what are you doing? Sound effects.
Oh, goddamn, Dee.
You have no idea what's funny.
Don't do sound effects.
(Dee making goofy noises) Don't do don't wh-what Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, hey, hey! Oh! Hey, Dennis, oh, check this place out.
This is legit.
Dude, dude, Dee's opening for Landslide.
That guy's, like, the real deal.
I've never heard of him.
Mostly diarrhea jokes.
Yeah, he's the diarrhea guy, but it look-looks like this comedy stuff's paying off for her.
Yeah, well Hey, you don't get a gig like this by accident.
Oh, come on, don't get too excited, all right? She got the gig 'cause she's banging some creep.
It's not gonna go well.
Who's the nerd? Who, this guy? This is Walt.
Yeah, guy's got no self-esteem, just like Dee, so they're perfect for each other.
So after she bombs tonight, I'll put them together, thereby controlling the situation, and her, as I always have and I always will.
What? Uh Walt, just Walt-Walt's the plan.
I'm Walt.
Yeah, shut up, Walt.
They know who you are.
I'm sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sweet Dee Reynolds! (crowd cheering) Sweet Dee! (breathing into microphone) Sweet Dee, joke's on you! (laughter) She's got fans now? Christ, come on.
So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day.
The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.
(laughter) She said "vagina.
" A woman said "vagina.
" That's what makes it funny! Tasteless.
(robot voice): Vagina, vagina.
Vagina, vagina.
(laughter) (making fart noises) And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.
But it's funny! It's not funny, it's not funny.
It's funny, Dennis.
What are you doing? Will you stop laughing, Walt? Oh, my God, this is the worst.
People will laugh at absolutely anything.
This is comedy? (laughter) So, men are just so hard.
Tell you what, they all walk out on me.
Every one of them.
I can't even keep crabs in this vagina.
(laughter) They're all like, "Clickety clackety, clickety clackety, clickety clackety clack.
I got to get out of here!" (robot voice): Evacuate vagina.
"Clickety clackety, clickety" (making machine gun noises) The crabs have machine guns.
That makes sense.
All right, well, that's it for me tonight.
I'd like to say it was fun, but I've had a better time ripping out my own pubes.
Shellac, shellac, rip! (yelling wildly) Ping, ping, ping, ow! (laughter) Okay, you guys, well, I'm Sweet Dee, and the joke's on me! (crowd cheering) What is going on? This is unbelievable.
Let's give it up for Landslide! (crowd cheering) Well, that was a funny white bitch, wasn't it? (laughs) Skinny though.
I took bigger dumps than her.
(making fart noises) (laughter) It's a landslide! Oh, my God.
I bet his diarrhea is nasty! Nasty! Oh, butts, vaginas and diarrhea, great.
This is what the world's come to.
(Charlie laughing) Hey, hey.
You're on the list? The list? I'm-I'm Sweet Dee's brother, so we're good.
Can't let you back there unless you're on the list.
We got to be on that list.
This is fantastic.
I'm not on a list for a place that I don't want to be.
You know how that feels? Hey, Dee? Dee? Uh, don't play this game, Dee.
I-I We're five feet away from you, I know you hear Deandra.
Dee.
Dee.
Da.
Da.
Da.
Dah.
Dah.
Dah.
Dah.
Dee.
Dee.
(all chanting different pronunciations of "Dee") Yes, yes, yes.
What? What? Oh, hey.
Hi.
What? Hey, Dee, can we come back there with you? Yeah, hey, we're, like, you're biggest fans, like, great show, like, good job, like, shut up, I'm sorry.
We're gonna start a fan club.
Oh, come on, stop kissing her ass.
Dee, enough of this, okay? Step over the rope and come meet Walt.
Tell you what.
You three, you're in.
Dennis, you're out.
Go before she changes her mind, go.
Hey! Faced! Thanks, Dee.
Dee, who do you think you are? What is the matter with you, Dennis? You see them? They're supporting me, okay? Because they believe in me.
A fan club could really help further my career.
Career? Oh, wow, Dee.
See, you don't have a career.
All right? So I need you to stop all this right now.
It's gone too far.
Now, come meet Walt.
He is my select.
You know what I think this is about, Dennis? I think you're jealous.
I don't think you want me to succeed.
Dee, let me be very clear about something.
You will never succeed.
Ever.
Instead, you will fly too close to the sun, and you will choke and you will gag in a spectacular manner.
So, please, for the love of God, take Walt.
Hi, I'm Walt.
She knows your goddamn name, Walt; I said it, like, a thousand times.
Look, you know what? I don't want to be with Walt, okay? And I don't want you to find me a man.
What I need you to do is stay out of my way, because Sweet Dee is gonna be a star.
(making machine gun noises) (laughter) Oh.
(crowd cheering) All right! Here, buddy, everyone else.
(laughter) (making machine gun noises) Right, I'm Sweet Dee, and the joke's on me! Thank you very much.
Good night.
(crowd cheering wildly) I don't care that you only have one mic.
Look at me! Dee Reynolds does not use mics that other so-called comedians have spit into, okay? So get another one.
Dee Reynolds? Mm-hmm.
Hi, I'm Michael Rotenberg.
I'm a talent manager from Los Angeles.
I've heard a lot about you.
Oh, hi.
Well I've got a proposition for you.
One of my bigger clients is supposed to do Conan tomorrow night, and something came up.
They need to fill the spot, and I brought your name up.
Are you interested? Conan O Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
I would love to represent you, too; I think you're amazing.
I can fly you to L.
A.
tomorrow on my private jet, and we can go straight Conan.
What do you say? Uh, well, my goodness.
This is all This is all This is all (gags) This is all (gags) Oh, boy, hold on.
Uh, you okay? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's just, uh, just had a little piece of sausage.
Okay, I'm sure you did.
Um, now, I'm not stepping on anyone's toes here, am I? Do you already have representation? Representation? No.
Hey, sweetheart, there you are.
Ew! Mm-mm.
Who the hell's that? This is, uh, my new manager.
What? Sorry, Snyder, I don't need you anymore.
This guy's taking me to Hollywood on a private jet.
What? Hollywood! Hollywood! We're going to Hollywood! No, no, no! We're not going anywhere.
There's plenty of room if you want to take your friends.
There's no room, okay? I have no use for you guys anymore.
Hey, what do you say we go back to my hotel and have sex? Absolutely.
Screw you, guys.
What the hell, Dee?! We made you! I'm sorry, you made me?! You made me?! I made you! Screw you guys, all right? (making goofy noises) Oh.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
You excited? Am I excited? Y yes, I am.
Yes, I Dee, wait, wait.
Wait.
I made a mistake.
All this time, I've been searching for the perfect guy to take you off of my hands forever, but I realized something.
The perfect guy's been under my nose the entire time.
It's me, Dee.
I'm the perfect select.
I know, I've spent my entire life shitting all over your dreams, and not supporting you, but I was wrong, Dee.
I see that now.
You can succeed.
You will be a star.
You have to take me.
I'm your twin brother.
I love you, Dee.
Dennis suck my dick.
(Dennis grunting) Wait.
Dee! No, wait, Dee, wait! Don't do this, Dee! Dee, wait! Dee, stop! Don't fly away now! Dee, wait! Wait! So when we get to L.
A.
, you're going straight into the limo and right to Conan.
I'm gonna whisk you right backstage, and we go straight on.
This is the big-time, Dee.
You're not in Philadelphia anymore, okay? Mm-hmm.
People are gonna be screaming your name, there's gonna be paparazzi.
Papa whew.
(gagging): Paparazzi, huh? Yes.
I tipped them off.
It's all about image.
It's great! It's all great.
It's all super sudden though, isn't it? (gags) Ooh.
There's a real smell to that one.
Yeah, that Are you okay? That one was came started deep, that's all.
This is your moment, Dee.
(Dee sighs) If you nail this, we're talking sitcoms, movie deals, the whole nine yards.
Yeah.
So let's get focused.
Yes.
All right.
Yeah.
Let's focus.
Focus.
Don't call it a comeback I've been here for years I'm rockin' my peers Puttin' suckers in fear I'm gonna take this itty bitty world by storm And I'm just gettin' warm (Dee retching) I'm gonna knock you out Huh! Mama said knock you out Huh! I'm gonna knock you out Huh! Mama said knock you out Huh! I'm gonna knock you out (Dee retching) Mama said knock you out Huh! Welcome to Los Angeles.
Are you ready? Okay.
Here we go.
Mama said knock you out (cameras clicking) (reporters shouting) This is insane.
Driver, take the canyons.
Don't go on the highway.
Let's see (gags) You're gonna be great! You're gonna be great! (tires screeching) Here we go again.
You ready? (reporters shouting) Okay, Dee is here, Dee Reynolds is here! Well, you're late.
Hair and makeup! We got to go.
The announcer's gonna call your name, you're gonna walk right through those curtains and do your routine.
This is your moment, you got to grab it, jump on it, okay? I'll be very (gags) Good.
You're gonna be great.
You made it, Dee.
Dee, Dee, you're gonna be a star, all right? I made it, I made it.
You made it.
Okay, calm down, you can do this.
You did this all by yourself, you can do this.
Okay.
CONAN: Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny woman, Miss Sweet Dee Reynolds.
Dee Reynolds is a star.
(music playing, crowd cheering) The joke's on you! (noisemakers blaring) (crowd cheering) (Landslide whooping) (chanting): Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech (chanting continues) Shh, shh, shh! What What is going on? We got you, Dee! We tricked you, we tricked you, we tricked you! We set the whole thing up! You know? Yeah! None of that was real.
All of these people are actors.
I chartered a jet.
We flew all over Philadelphia for six hours.
And I'm a garbage man.
He's a garbage man! He's your garbage man! You've met him.
None of this is real, Dee! None of it! Hey, hey, some of it was real.
Yeah! You banged that guy! (laughter) Hey, best part? Dennis wasn't even in on any of it! (laughs) I was and I wasn't.
I was and I wasn't.
He wasn't, he wasn't.
No, no, no.
No, we knew we had to drag him through the mud, make it seem legit.
It was great, it was great.
The joke's on him, too! Yeah, joke's on him! (noisemakers blare) Well, it was good.
It was a good joke.
It was a good joke.
Good joke, guys, I love jokes.
She's got more to say.
Oh.
She's got more to say.
Why would you do this? Oh, well, you know, you were being all mopey and annoying Yeah.
complaining and stuff.
We wanted to show you that you could sink lower.
Talking about killing yourself, ugh.
Some things you just don't joke about, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You took it too far.
Right.
Too far.
Yeah.
I took it too far? That's what I said.
Oh I took I took it too far? Oh, God, you sons of bitches! (roaring) And there she goes! She's back! (laughter) I no! All right, so we got Dee back, and I think we may have broke Dennis.
Broke me? Nah, come on, I'm good.
(laughs) I love all this.
This is great.
I'm gonna pop out for a little while.
(laughing) He's not loving it.
He's not.
He's not loving it.
No, he's not.
(yells) He might go kill himself.
(noisemakers blare)