Last Comic Standing (2003) s09e01 Episode Script

(male announcer) Over the last eight seasons, one show has launched some of the biggest names in comedy.
(man) Amy Schumer! Cristela Alonzo! Lavell Crawford! Iliza Shlesinger! Thank you so much.
(announcer) The Last Comic Standing is back.
Boo-yah! I been shot two times and hit by a dump truck.
Nobody cares who shot me.
They like, "Who hit you with a dump truck?" (announcer) 100 of the country's best comics come to Hollywood to fight it out in a ruthless Hell no! (announcer) But hilarious winner-take-all competition I just finished college.
Yep, dropped out.
(announcer) This season they'll be judged by a trio of legendary justices.
Wake up! Get outta bed, you piece of crap! Um, can I get some Vicodin? (announcer) Rosanne Barr, star of her own groundbreaking sitcom and one of the top ten stand-ups of all time.
Postmodern comic! Roseanne is a comedic force.
You gotta start strong and build.
My relationship with Roseanne goes back 20 years.
She gave me my first break.
(announcer) Newcomer to the court, Norm MacDonald, a legendary Saturday Night Live alumnus and one of the industry's most respected comics.
If I had the guts to come out of the closet, he'd be the guy I'd go to first.
Yeah! Norm is so much fun because he's so unpredictable.
Did you like him or not, for crying out loud? You had the best set of the night, but I didn't like it.
(Keenen) And it really takes that panel to another level.
(announcer) And Keenen Ivory Wayans, the man responsible for discovering Jamie Foxx and Jim Carrey, is ready to launch some more careers.
Bring the fire, don't play, do what you do.
(Roseanne) He's a real genius.
It's like sitting next to the smartest guy in the classroom.
You're copying off his page.
I'm gonna make it fast before I get shot.
(announcer) Rounding out the perfect storm is new host, all-star celebrity roaster, Anthony Jeselnik.
Keenen, it's coming down to you.
Which one of us is better looking? Anthony, he has the quickest mind I've ever encountered.
And I love you on top of pizza boxes.
Thank you.
(announcer) Ultimately, one performer will leave with $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[upbeat music.]
Please welcome your host of Last Comic Standing, Anthony Jeselnik! [cheers and applause.]
Welcome to yet another season of Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm Anthony Jeselnik, and I don't mind telling you that this is going to be the best season of Last Comic Standing ever, because I'm the host.
Now, tonight is the first of our four invitational shows, and not only do we have way too many great comics performing this season, we also have amazing comic judges at the peak of their sobriety.
[laughter.]
He's responsible for more weigh-ins than the Nevada State Boxing Commission.
Writer, director, comedian, actor, producer, and judge, Keenen Ivory Wayans! [cheers and applause.]
She's responsible for one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, which was so good people eventually forgave her for Tom Arnold.
[laughter.]
Roseanne Barr.
Thank you.
Whoo! Now, our final judge is one of the funniest people to ever appear on Saturday Night Live, and he won't be fully appreciated until he's dead.
Ladies and gentlemen, the great Norm MacDonald.
[cheers and applause.]
Right now, it's time to meet our very first comic of the season.
But before he comes out, let's learn a little something about him.
[upbeat music.]
Welcome home.
My name is Ryan Conner.
I'm from Woodbridge, Virginia, and I've been doing stand-up almost 12 years.
My family is insanely large.
I have 11 brothers, and they've influenced my comedy in so many ways.
There's Allen, Hakim.
There's two Brents.
The black one's name is Brent White.
So it's Brent White, White Brent.
T.
J.
, Sam, Orik, Don, Oh, and I think I got everyone, right? I think I got everyone.
[doorbell rings.]
What's up, Ryan? (Ryan) Growing up, it was kind of a madhouse.
There's always a standoff for who's gonna eat first.
You'll have four people playing FIFA.
You've got some wrestling, most people are yelling.
You're behind the touch line! They all tease each other.
They make fun of each other.
Ryan, as a child, was typically kind of shy.
I thought he would be something close to a scientist, but when Ryan decided he was gonna be a comedian, it was a shock.
I never saw myself as someone who could do stand-up.
Luckily, some of my friends made me sign up for an open mic night, and as soon as I spoke into the mic the first time, I was like, "Oh, this is it.
" I'm so excited that Ryan's gonna be on Last Comic Standing.
He's worked so hard for this and, you know, just very proud of him.
[applause.]
(Anthony) Ryan Conner! [cheers and applause.]
So I have a huge and multiracial family.
I actually have 11 brothers, and here's how that happens.
So, my parents got divorced when I was two.
My mom and stepdad have been together since I was four.
My stepdad's black.
I have two black stepbrothers, four adopted brothers who are black, two Vietnamese brothers, a Chinese brother, and two white brothers, and I'm right in the middle, age-wise.
Like, picture a college brochure.
That's pretty much what it looks like.
[laughter and applause.]
Like, you see my family photo and your first thought's like, "Yeah, I'd go there.
I'd probably go there.
" [laughter.]
Also, we grew up together, so no one has any racial stereotypes, so it always takes me a minute to get them.
Like, one time a guy told me a racist joke, and I just thought he was asking me an earnest question.
He goes, "There's a black guy, a Hispanic guy, and an Asian guy in the back of a car.
Who's driving?" I was like, "My mom, I don't know, like" [cheers and applause.]
Also, like, whenever I have to guess a stereotype, I'm always off, 'cause I just have to base them on my brothers' behavior.
Like, one time a comic friend of mine was writing a joke.
He was like, "Dude, I need a Chinese stereotype.
You have a Chinese brother, right?" I was like, "Yeah, man.
Chinese people eat all the deviled eggs at Thanksgiving.
It's ridiculous.
" [laughter.]
He was like, "That might be too specific.
Like, I'm not really sure if that's an across-the-board Chinese thing.
" I grew up in a predominately black neighborhood, too.
So I didn't have any white friends at all until I got to college.
So basically it means it wasn't till I was, like, 17 that I found out that everyone doesn't slather their bodies in lotion two to three times a day.
Like [laughter and applause.]
I thought that's how we were all living, you know.
Like, my mentality was like, well, we might not agree on everything, but we're all fighting the war on ashiness.
Like, it's the one thing we got as Americans.
And then my freshman year of college, I'm in my dorm room.
It's me and five other white guys that just met.
We're playing Madden, and I pause the game to put cocoa butter on my elbows.
[laughter.]
And as soon as I hit the pump on the cocoa butter, they just look at me like, "Is he about to masturbate right now?" [laughter.]
All right, thanks a lot, guys.
I appreciate it.
[rock music.]
(Anthony) Ryan Conner, everybody.
Great job, Ryan.
Keenen, were you able to relate? Here's what's funny.
Is Roseanne is explaining to Norm what ashy is right now.
[laughter.]
He had no idea what he was talking about.
I thought you were hilarious.
I love that you had such a rich life.
You have points of views into worlds that no white guy is suppose to have.
And it was just hysterical, very, very funny, very good job, and just great presence onstage.
Oh, thanks, man.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Postmodern comic! Thank you.
It's brilliant.
It's so great.
You're wonderfully American.
Oh, thank you.
Now, Roseanne, just to clarify, when you say "postmodern comic," you just mean a point of view you've never heard before.
It's the next level.
Oh, wow.
Thank you.
Norm.
It was the best 3 1/2 minutes of comedy that I've seen for five years.
[cheers and applause.]
It was really good.
Good job.
Ryan Conner, everybody.
Run, run.
That was amazing.
Ryan Conner.
- Hey now! - Yeah, yeah? (Ryan) I'm on a cloud right now, it feels like.
I got praised by three of my idols.
Yeah.
Now, our next comic is waiting in the wings, but before I introduce her, I want to show you guys something truly special.
Watch this.
[applause.]
[alarm clock buzzes.]
perfect time for stand-up comedy.
My name is Taylor Tomlinson, and I'm the only working church comic as far as I know.
All right, let's do this, Ohio.
As a kid, people would laugh at me when I was trying to be quite grown up, and I think stand-up has just been a way to control when people are laughing at me.
I started doing stand-up comedy when I was 16.
I was really too young to do comedy clubs, but churches welcome everyone, so I started doing comedy there.
This is the first time I've ever been picked up by a whole bus.
(Taylor) You know, I think the initial reaction to stand-up comedy in church is, "That sounds like a sin, for sure.
" But I love laughter in church.
It just feels like you're getting away with something.
Testing.
Are you there, God? It's me, Taylor.
There are a lot of perks to doing stand-up at church.
They treat you extremely well.
Great to have you.
Money, pretty good.
Thank you very much.
And free ticket to heaven.
You do enough church gigs, I think you get a plus-1.
Taylor has got a big fan in me and my family, our staff, so we are cheering Team Taylor.
Winning Last Comic Standing would be big for my career.
And I promised the church a tithe, so I'll give you your 10%.
Just get me there with your prayers.
[church bell tolls.]
Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson.
[cheers and applause.]
I am doing pretty well.
I just finished college, so [cheers and applause.]
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Yep, dropped out.
Feels good.
It's okay.
It was community college.
So I basically just gave up on quitting.
[laughter.]
Only good thing that came from community college, I met, like, my first real boyfriend there, which was really nice.
Sort of bittersweet, though, 'cause finding someone you like in community college is sort of like finding a full bag of chips in the garbage.
[laughter.]
Like, it's kind of a miracle, but hey, look around.
You're still a possum, so [laughter.]
It's interesting, though, 'cause all my friends now are graduating.
They're all very successful.
Did it right.
I have realized recently in addition to being the least successful, I am the least attractive of all my friends.
And I don't even think I'm ugly.
I think I'm pretty cute, but in, like, an accessible way.
Yeah! Like, when you see a shower curtain at Target, and you're like, "I can afford that.
" [laughter and applause.]
No, my friends, nines and tens.
It's great.
I'm fine being there.
I'm right in the middle.
I'm, like, a solid five with a great personality, you know.
And that's important to know your number on that scale from one to ten 'cause it determines what you can go for romantically, right? Like, I'm a five.
That means I can go for other fives and sixes, maybe an insecure seven if I'm feeling pretty.
[laughter and applause.]
Sometimes I will flirt with a two.
Give back a little.
I didn't mean to look at you.
We have always settled.
Back in the 1600s, they were settling hard-core.
They just didn't know it 'cause they didn't have TV, all right? It's different now.
Back then, you knew, like, four people.
Of course you were gonna settle.
Marrying a snaggletooth was just something you did.
You weren't gonna hold out for a ten or wait for the right person.
No, you married Bertha in a shack and had some fun before the fever took you.
[laughter.]
Thank you guys very much.
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Great job, Taylor.
Wonderful.
Keenen, what do you think about Taylor? Well, Taylor, you might think of yourself as a five in the dating world, but you're definitely a ten in the stand-up world.
Whoo! [cheers and applause.]
I was very impressed.
Your writing was really good.
You have a definite point of view and sarcasm.
At the same time, give us a sense of your personality.
So it's a really nice blend and very impressive.
Thank you.
What did you take in college, Taylor? Communications.
Oh, that's interesting.
And how old are you? Well, you're well above your years in terms of stand-up.
- It's very rare - That's right.
To find a 21 year old that's that's as good as you.
- Oh, thank you.
- That's right.
You're also very literate.
It's odd that you dropped out of community college.
[laughter.]
I didn't want to make the other kids feel bad for how smart I am.
I guess I'm just trying to say I love you.
[cheers and applause.]
Already, one I love you from detective grandpa over here.
That's great.
Roseanne, what'd you think about Taylor? - Do you also love her? - I do.
I am so impressed.
You are likeable, original, selling a point of view.
She's 21.
I know.
It's amazing.
Hey, you kicked ass.
Taylor Tomlinson, everybody.
Keep it going for her.
[cheers and applause.]
It's time for our first commercial break, but I promise you, it will not be our last.
[cheers and applause.]
(announcer) Coming up, love is in the air.
If I had the guts to come out of the closet, he'd be the guy I'd go to first.
Yeah! (announcer) Then, Roseanne offers some financial advice.
I love that you stick it to the banks.
[bleep.]
them.
Really? [Bleep.]
the banks? You're a billionaire.
[laughs.]
(announcer) And later, one controversial comic gets the judges all riled up.
- She can't do that one joke - Yes, I was about - And then talk about dating.
- I was about to agree with you - with that.
- I disagree with both of y'all.
[cheers and applause.]
Oh, hey, you're back and just in time for more comedy.
Actually, you're a little bit early, so let's watch this video.
[upbeat music.]
My name is Mehran Khaghani, and I'm from Boston.
Oh, my goodness, come on, doodlebear.
I was born into a fairly conservative, Iranian, academic family.
Growing up, I loved making people laugh.
I was a sweet, little, fat, eccentric little kid with, like, Madonna posters everywhere.
My family did not take it well when I came out to them.
They should have known but they didn't.
They were all so surprised.
It's against most traditional Iranian thinking to be gay.
You will be stoned to death for it.
So if people don't get you at home, you make that new family.
Yes! Hi! I've been hosting burlesque shows for, like, three or four years.
These burlesque dancers are part of my comedy family.
These girls will do anything, say anything, present anything.
They're unapologetic about it, and I love that.
We're a good fit.
I'm like that with my comedy.
Is there anything I have to do tonight that's special? Oh, we just need you to be your kick-ass self and make everybody laugh.
That's very sweet.
(Leyna) Mehran is the definition of larger than life.
The second he walks into a room, it's like all eyes are on him.
One, two, three (all) Sparkle time! [laughs.]
The first time I did stand-up, I literally felt my life kind of zooming in around me and a microphone.
It was like a spotlight getting tighter on me, and it's possible that that was actually happening and I'm just assigning meaning.
And now, my ultimate comedy goal is to be as big as I can possibly get.
That's the truth.
Last Comic Standing is a huge platform.
People are gonna see me who have never heard of me before, and I hope they love me.
[cheers and applause.]
(Anthony) Mehran Khaghani! Hello! Whoo! I'm an Iranian homo.
I am! Believe every horrible thing you've ever heard about my people.
I have nuclear ambition, right? My mother is a goat-hooved devil woman, just a high priestess of the occult.
What a mean-spirited little panish.
I was the sweetest little, fat, gay Iranian child any of you have ever seen in your lives, in your lives, sweetest Precious, like the movie.
[laughter.]
And at the tender age of six, my mother looked down at me one day.
She looked down at me and she said This was to help me lose weight.
"Mehran, I have poisoned something in the refrigerator.
" And then she swept a cape in front of her face and turned into a colony of bats.
Like such was her dark power that she could pull a stunt like that.
[laughter.]
I do a lot of this Iranian homo stuff.
You have to in the entertainment industry.
It's not all art for art's sake.
You find your corner of the market and you ride that horse until it dies under your weight.
That's just how it works.
[laughter.]
I do a lot of it, and I was at this one club and I do this long Iranian homo set.
And afterwards he comes up to me and he goes, the club owner, he says, "I get it.
"I get you do this whole queer Iranian bit.
"But I bet your Iranian passport photo is really butch, it's really masculine.
" Why in this post-9/11 era would I try to make myself look more threatening in my travel documents? Right? My name is Mehran Mohammad Tahereh Naheed Khaghani.
When I'm at the airport, ladies and gentlemen, it's usually in a half shirt.
Do you hear what I'm saying? A half shirt, maybe a floor-length kimono, right? Maybe a fancy Carmen Sandiego hat, Salvador DalĂ­ mustache, gold tooth.
Make it weird, New Year's Bouquet of fake daisies just giving TSA a little bit of this.
Do you know what I mean? A little bit of shimmy.
Anything to throw them off my scent so that they know I'm not the threat, and they're not so much concerned about me as they are for me.
Do you hear what I'm saying? They know I'm not in the will anymore.
Thank you all so much for your attention.
What lovely people you are.
Mehran Khaghani! Whoo! Mehran Khaghani, good job, Mehran.
Hello to you, Anthony Jeselnik.
Holy smoke.
Aah! [laughter.]
- You done? - A little.
Let's go to you, Roseanne.
Did you love his act or are you mad he stole your jacket? [laughter.]
I loved that jacket the minute you walked out.
I love, love, love, love, love you.
You are fierce and a great comic.
Thank you.
I never saw nothing like you.
You're, like, one-of-a-kind, and fantastic.
Thank you.
- Wow.
- Roseanne, thank you.
My favorite line was when you talked about your mother Yeah.
Telling you there was poison in the refrigerator.
[laughter.]
(Keenen) I think that a lot of the act was more of you telling us about you but not telling the joke to go along with it.
The persona, you've got.
The presence, you've got.
The being funny, you have.
Now, it's just the constructing that set to make sure tell us something, give us a joke.
Tell us something, give us a joke.
Tell us something, give us a joke.
- Yeah.
- I hear you.
(Anthony) Norm, tell Mehran Khaghani what you think of his act using his full name as many times as possible.
Mehran Khaghani, I think it's impossible not to love you.
- Yes.
- Very kind.
[cheers and applause.]
And this is this is something that comics work on for their whole career and never find, and you obviously had it before you became a comedian.
And I like when you say "Iranian homo" a lot.
[laughter.]
It really mad me laugh, and I wish you had gone on with it, that you have nuclear ambitions.
That was great.
Thanks.
No, I think you should stretch that out and explain the nuclear ambitions that you have to destroy the world.
[laughs.]
But I loved you, man, that's all.
Thank you so much.
Norm MacDonald! Thank you.
You're welcome.
I think what you're saying, Norm, if he'd just come out here and just said, "homo" over and over again, he'd be your favorite comic of all time? I'm saying if I had the guts to come out of the closet, he'd be the guy I'd go to first.
Yeah! Yeah! [laughter and applause.]
Great job, brother.
I love you! Thank you guys so much! - Great job, bro.
- Take care, everybody.
Mehran Khaghani.
[ball rattling in bowl.]
Can you please stop? Thank you.
(Nick) I'm getting butterflies.
I might be a little more nervous than I think I am.
You do this for a long time in places where there's four people in the crowd.
To actually get a chance to be seen is it's huge.
I have kids.
I'm broke all the time.
Couple weeks ago my daughter lost a tooth on a Wednesday.
Damn.
Can you wait until Friday? The tooth fairy gets paid on Fridays.
(Norm) You're overflowing with authenticity.
I love you, man.
Wow, thanks.
I used to be a graffiti artist back in the day.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
I used to sneak out late at night and spray-paint on people's property.
Yeah, that was so cool to me, man, until I bought property.
[laughter.]
Breakfast in bed is a weird thing, right? It's like you're saying, "Well, it's Saturday.
I think today I want to pretend I'm dying in the hospital.
" [laughter.]
I'm a lousy housekeeper.
I'm not saying my house is nasty, but the other day I walked in my living room and there were two blindfolded people filming a Febreze commercial.
When I go to a nightclub, I'm not kidding, I have an accent to go with it.
'Cause women like that.
You walk up, "Hi, how are you? What you are doing? What you are doing?" It sounds like I'm gonna take 'em to a far-off place.
Because my regular voice, let's face it, kinda boring, kinda nasally.
I sound like Owen Wilson most of the time.
That's not gonna impress a woman, especially if I'm yelling in a nightclub, I get even worse.
Like, "Hey, what's going on? We should hang out sometime if you're available, come on.
" You could be, like, a big movie star comedian.
- Oh, my goodness.
- I loved it.
Keenen, it's coming down to you.
Which one of us is better looking? I'm gonna have to go with K-von.
You've just ruined your credibility with the audience.
I don't think so.
I think the ladies were clapping for K-von.
[cheers and applause.]
One more time for K-von, everybody.
K-von.
(announcer) Coming up, it's going to be a wild ride.
Uber has revolutionized the way that I travel.
I love your drunk Uber thing, 'cause I always call Uber, and I'm always drunk like that myself.
All right, you came back.
You obviously know a good thing when you look at me.
Coming to the stage now, from Vallejo, California Clap like you've heard of that place.
It's DC Ervin.
[cheers and applause.]
How y'all doing? Make some noise! [cheers and applause.]
Sometimes I tone down my blackness.
I do.
And it normally happens for me at nighttime.
Let me explain.
If I go to the ATM machine at night, and there's, like, a white lady getting money out of her account, I won't get out of my car until she finished doing what she gotta do, you know? 'Cause in my heart, I'm like, "Man, I can't put this pressure on her right now.
" [laughter.]
She might have kids at home, you know.
She probably come from somewhere safe like Whole Foods or something, you know? If I do get out of my car, I make sure I got my card in my hand already, like it's a hostage situation.
I'll make, like, a sound, she can hear me coming, "Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh!" Turn around, please.
I'm trying to help you.
You know what's funny? Is I get it.
Like, I get it.
I'll never forget one time I went to the ATM real late at night, and this big ol' black dude got right behind me.
I did the most racist thing ever.
I jumped.
I was like, "Oh, damn!" [breathing heavily.]
He was like, "I'm so sorry.
Did I scare you, brother?" I was like, "Hell yeah, you scared me, and you forgot to make your sound.
" There's rule for this.
Who tiptoes around ATM machines? [cheers and applause.]
[laughter.]
And the thing about it is I'm not even a bad dude.
I've never been to jail, never been to prison.
I got a cousin that's in prison.
I do, man.
And I love talking to him on the phone.
I tell you what, if you ever wanna feel good about your life [laughter.]
You talk on the phone with somebody that's in the penitentiary.
It's so easy to impress him.
He'd be like, "DC, what you getting ready to do today?" I'd be like, "Go outside.
" He'd be like, "For real?" [laughter and applause.]
What it is, is somebody snuck him a cell phone in there.
Ever since he got his cell phone, he think he normal.
No lie, I'm talking to him about two months ago, right? His call drop.
He called me right back.
You know what he say? "Man, I can't stand this service!" [laughter.]
"I'm thinking about changing things up.
" He, like, walk right into a joke.
I was like, "I don't know how you keep dropping calls in there "when you got plenty of bars.
You should have the best service in the world.
" I'm DC Ervin.
You guys have been a lot of fun.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
DC Ervin, everybody.
DC Ervin, great job, man.
- Thank you, sir, thank you.
- Great job, DC.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Keenen? I loved the ATM joke.
That was hilarious.
I loved the fact that you brought the attention to white folks that we even get scared of us, which is very, very funny.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
You are so likeable.
You got star quality.
Oh, man, thank you.
Man, thank you.
It's jumping it's just jumping off.
And I like your kind of wry social commentary.
You did great.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Comedy writing is about choices, and I think that you made an interesting choice right from the start, 'cause I think most black comics would have played that ATM joke angry at the old lady.
And you flipped it to the opposite, and all of a sudden when you're at the ATM machine you were no longer a black guy, you were a human being.
And so that is the social commentary that I used to love from Richard Pryor, and fantastic job.
- Wow, thank you.
- That was great.
- Thank you.
- That was great.
Almost racist, but then you got it right under the bar, Norm.
That's why I love you.
Keep it going for DC Ervin, everybody.
Great job, DC.
[cheers and applause.]
Want to meet our next comic? Well, I'm not asking.
Check this out.
[upbeat music.]
Just, like, unpack it.
Okay.
I'm Moses Storm, and I've been doing stand-up for five years.
I definitely knew from a very early age that my family was not normal.
When I was four years old, my mom sold our house and then we moved into a Greyhound bus, and we traveled the U.
S.
as missionaries.
Growing up in a bus, everyone was kind of on top of each other.
We slept in homemade bunk beds.
These were basically shelves that children were on.
My mom is definitely the most unique person that I've ever met.
My name is Moses I mean I'm Kathleen, and I'm Moses's mom.
(Moses) She was a single mom of five kids, so she had a lot of creative ways of providing for us.
One of those ways is yard sales.
What's this? (Kathleen) It's called a knickknack.
Old ladies love it.
[cat meows.]
(Moses) We've been doing yard sales my entire life.
We will go to a richer neighborhood and set up on their yard until we get kicked out.
What do we say is someone asks, "Do you live here?" Change the subject.
Say, "Are you interested in America?" When did you drive for Lyft? How much do you think this pony's gonna go for? Depending on the kid.
If the kid is all needy, then you can go 15.
So discount for needy kids? Regular kids are paying full price? [bell dings.]
I think you have to sell stuff much like you sell a joke.
He could sell anything just because he made this person laugh.
You want it to be tight so girls are like, "Mm, he's about to burst out of that.
" Mom definitely hopes that I will someday take over the family yard sale business.
I really hope Last Comic Standing works out.
[cheers and applause.]
(Anthony) Moses Storm! (Moses) Thank you.
I was driving with my mom the other day.
She came to an abrupt stop, slammed on the brakes and gave me one of these [gasps.]
That's the mom seat belt.
Do your moms do that to you? Can we stop doing this, moms? This isn't helping anyone, okay? We are traveling at the same rate.
You ain't stopping anything with your chicken arm.
And thanks for taking your hand off of the one thing that could have steered us out of danger just so you could clothesline me at 70 miles an hour.
One star.
One star.
I rate my mom like an Uber driver.
[laughter.]
I think you can tell how bad your friend's alcoholism has gotten by how much they rave about Uber.
[laughter.]
Uber has revolutionized the way that I travel.
No, your DUI revolutionized the way that you travel.
It's so easy.
All I have to do is tap my shattered phone screen.
[laughter.]
Gotta take an Uber everywhere.
I live in the city.
There's no parking.
My friends will always be like, "Hey, come over, there's street parking.
" No.
No, no, no, stop saying this.
We live in a major city.
You need to stop saying there's street parking.
What there is, is there's a space for your car and then a pole with about eight signs on it that all basically say, "Hey, never park here ever, idiot.
" But they never word it like that.
It's always like, no parking between 6:00 and 7:00.
No parking between 7:00 and 8:00, unless seven eight nine.
No parking on the Sabbath provided that both members are kosher.
And if Tom is twice as old as Jan and Jan is twice as old as Carl, how old will Carl be when Carl is 3/5 as old as Tom? It doesn't really matter because all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration and we are all part of one conscious system that is exploring itself subconsciously.
That's when you cannot park here.
[laughter and applause.]
(Anthony) Moses Storm, everybody! Moses Storm.
[cheers and applause.]
Roseanne, what do you think? I love your drunk Uber thing, 'cause I always call Uber, and I'm always drunk like that myself, but [laughter and applause.]
You're the girl I'm talking about.
Let me see your phone, Roseanne.
Can we see your phone? It is cracked.
It is, but it cracked me up, 'cause I've seen Every single thing you mentioned, I've seen that hanging on the pole, too.
It was phenomenal.
Thank you so much.
Keenen, how did you feel about weathering that storm? I loved him.
I thought he was great.
Initially when you came out, I wasn't sure if you were gonna be able to hold the audience.
But you took subjects that we had heard before but gave it a very different take, and it was really nice, so good job.
Thank you.
We all wish we had thought of that, you know? When there's a simple subject that's out there, like the parking, I thought it was utterly original.
I really liked it.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, wow.
Moses Storm, everybody! - Wow, thank you! - Moses Storm.
I loved that guy.
Norm said he wished he thought of a joke, and then so many times I've been watching Norm MacDonald bits, I'm like, "I wish I'd thought of that.
" So to have that reversed was just It just feels like a dream.
(announcer) Up next, a medical emergency.
They say you smell toast when you have a stroke.
What if you're making toast when you have a stroke? [gibberish.]
(announcer) And then, the judges make their first round of cuts.
The first comic moving on tonight is Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause.]
He was born in Terrace, British Columbia, but now calls Los Angeles home because he can't pronounce Los Angeles.
Please show some love for Ian Bagg.
[cheers and applause.]
I am Catholic, but I don't have - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Right on.
Never had that before, but okay.
But I don't have to go to church anymore because my grandma died.
That's right, she took one for the team and we got our Sundays back.
It is awesome! [laughter.]
We can have pancakes any day of the week now, old lady.
I have a very weird family.
My dad gives weird advice.
My dad loves my wife more than he loves me.
I found out 'cause I called him from her phone the other day.
Yeah, I got to hear the disappointment in his voice.
"Hello?" "Hi, Dad.
" "All right, here's your mom.
" [laughter.]
My dad wears a belt and suspenders at the same time.
I have no idea what happened to him, but I guess he lost his pants during a very important speech, and he said, "This is not gonna happen again.
Get me two types of technology to keep these up.
" [laughter.]
Weird part is his fly's still down the whole time, that's the weird part.
He's got that keeping the pants up, but his nuts are out no matter what.
It doesn't matter.
He's actually got one.
My dad's got one.
I feel if I know, you guys should know.
It's weird the way he told me just in the middle of dinner.
"I've only got one ball.
Pass the peas.
" "Why would you tell us that?" "I'm just saying, if they find a body in the woods and it's got two nuts, it's not me.
Keep looking.
" [laughter.]
Pretty sure that's not the first thing you check on a body when you find it, but okay.
He gives weird advice.
He always said, "If you smell toast, touch your face.
" That's what he said.
All right, some of you know what I'm talking about.
They say you smell toast when you have a stroke, which is weird.
What if you're making toast when you have a stroke? [laughter.]
Think everything is just extra toasty that day? You're like, "Oh, my God, I can't wait to put some peanut butter on the [gibberish.]
.
" That is not the noise you make when you have a stroke, but that is a very funny joke.
If you didn't laugh at it, you're probably allergic to peanuts, 'cause that's the only people that don't laugh at that joke.
They're like, "A peanut joke, I'm swelling up.
Get my EpiPen.
I can't breathe.
" [breathes heavily.]
The only people that are worse than those peanut allergy dicks are those gluten-free asses.
Any of those people? Yeah.
I smell bread, I might crap myself.
You do know what gluten-free means, right? You do know what it means? It means we have to spend $3 extra on cookies when you come over to visit us.
That's what it means.
[laughter.]
So what I do now, I just keep the gluten-free package, put normal cookies into it.
I don't give a crap.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah.
Yeah! And that's me, Ian Bagg! [gibberish.]
Thank you very much.
(Anthony) Ian Bagg.
This whole room smells like toast.
Now, Norm, you and Ian are both Canadians, so I'm sure you could spend hours talking about geese.
Why don't you tell him what you think of his comedy? I know Ian Bagg.
I've smoked cigars with Ian Bagg.
[laughter.]
I love Ian Bagg.
He's he's always been, like, superfast, funny, funny, funny, and that's what I like in a comedian, personally.
My favorite, Rodney Dangerfield.
And Ian just bang, bang, bang, bang.
And also, you didn't do it tonight, but the best crowd work I've ever seen is this guy.
And I love Ian.
I love you, Norm! [cheers and applause.]
You've got authority in what you say.
It's so funny.
Your writing is fantastic.
I loved your rhythm, and I loved the way you deliver and the pacing of it.
- Great set.
- Thank you.
Bam bam! [cheers and applause.]
Keenen.
And if I could say one more thing, Ian - Nope.
- There is - Nope.
- There has never been a stand-up that has had a Canadian accent, and Ian captures the rhythm and the sensibility of of Canadians better than any comic I've ever seen.
[cheers and applause.]
That was certainly worth it, Norm.
[laughs.]
- Keenen.
[laughter.]
(Anthony) Keenen, what do you think? You get one shot.
Well, I have not smoked cigars with Ian, but what you did tonight was funny.
You came out, you grabbed the audience.
Your energy was great.
You had some really funny stuff in there, and I agree, you have a great rhythm and great jokes.
I enjoy you.
That was nice of you.
Ian Bagg, everybody.
Ian Bagg.
Put your hands together.
Nice work.
I believe that everyone here is as nervous as me, but I'm I'm, like, emoting it more.
[laughter.]
Not all comedians are funny.
I thought I was on Top Chef.
Somebody just told me I had to prepare jokes.
I'm pretty confident and I got some things to do with the knives that I think are gonna play really well with the judges.
I love my dad.
He's one of my best friends.
I just hate every time he calls me on the phone.
I don't know how he's been alive this long and has no idea how a phone works, remotely.
Every phone call I ever get from my dad is like, "Oh, hey, son, I was thinking maybe later on "we could go on out over to the park, "maybe do a little fishing [becomes inaudible.]
" [laughter.]
"If your brother's gonna be in town or not, "but he told me he didn't have his fishing license on him.
I was like, 'Gabe, don't worry about that [becomes inaudible.]
'" [laughter and applause.]
Like, how do we know we're not gonna need the gluten? How do we know five years from now that doctors are not gonna come on TV and be like, "Oh, put the gluten back"? "Who told y'all to take the gluten out? "That's what keeps your kneecaps together.
You're gonna lose your kneecaps.
" I went the other day, I had a pedicure.
I hadn't had a pedicure in six months, and I was actually having an anxiety attack.
I was really afraid I was gonna go in there and they were gonna be like, "I don't know how to tell you this, but you have paws now.
" [laughter.]
I've had a rough day today, actually.
I went to the bank, and they were trying to Trying to steal my money, which is not what we agreed on.
That's all those fees are that they charge you on your checking account.
That's theft rebranded.
Account inactivity fee? That's a pretty fancy name for you weren't using it, so I tookst it, bitch, right? [laughter.]
I understand why you'd want to do that.
Money is very nice-a.
But it's mine, so I'm gonna need that back.
[laughter.]
And they'd be like, "Well, it takes 24 hours for a check to meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
" No, it doesn't! But you're telling me, Chase bank, one of the pillars of the world economy, they still gotta wait for the earth to make an entire revolution on its axis before they can get their money from Bank of America, huh? I don't think so.
[laughter.]
Appreciate it, thank you.
Great job, man.
I love you on top of pizza boxes.
Thank you.
(Anthony) Roseanne.
You've got a lot of energy.
You command the stage.
And I love it that you stick it to the banks, too.
[bleep.]
them.
Yeah! All right.
[cheers and applause.]
- Good job.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Really? [Bleep.]
the banks? You're a billionaire.
[laughter.]
Mike Lebovitz, everybody.
Mike Lebovitz.
[cheers and applause.]
(announcer) Up next, Ms.
Pat is hoping for a little divine intervention.
In my notes it says you were baptized 25 times.
[laughter.]
Now, I get it.
Lord, please! Please, God! (announcer) And then, the judges make some tough decisions.
She no.
No.
- He was great.
- He was good.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause.]
It's time to take a behind-the-scenes look at our next comic.
She lives in Plainfield, Indiana, by choice.
Check out Ms.
Pat.
[upbeat music.]
I'm Ms.
Pat, and I've been married for 22 years.
I have four kids.
Hit me up, hit me up.
Thank you.
My 16-year-old, oh, God.
She's slacking off at the home.
She can't cook.
She don't clean.
She don't do nothing.
I would like to punch her in the neck, but she's about my size, so I'm gonna have to fight really hard.
I grew up in the inner city in a single-parent household.
When I had my first two kids, I was 15.
In my 20s, I was on welfare.
And when I told my caseworker how horrible my life was, she was like, "This stuff is hilarious.
You should be a comedian.
" I'm like, "You get paid to tell your business? Oh, I can do this.
" When I started stand-up, my daughter was underage.
But since she's so top-heavy, I would take her to the comedy club with me and have her take notes and tell everybody that she was old enough, but she was in middle school.
Helping her out dealing with drunk people.
I don't like drunk people.
My comedy style is truthful, in-your-face.
Happy birthday, June bug.
If I won Last Comic Standing, my kids'll be happy.
I deserve at least 15% of all earnings because I basically helped her with everything.
I'm a star, and I made her a star.
She's welcome.
[laughter.]
The kids say, "If you win, you gonna buy us a car?" No.
I'm gonna do like your real daddy did, run off.
[laughs.]
(Anthony) Here she is now, Ms.
Pat.
[cheers and applause.]
So, I gotta lose weight, 'cause I'm tired of shopping at plus-size stores like Lane Bryant.
Who in the world told Lane Bryant that fat girls like wildlife prints on their clothes? Zebra, tiger, alligator, Godzilla.
So I'm walking through the mall with my polar bear shirt on [laughter.]
And my leopard pants.
Do you know security had the nerve to try and tranquilize me? [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
I been through a lot in my life, y'all.
I been shot two times and hit by a dump truck.
[laughter.]
Nobody cares who shot me.
They like, "Who hit you with a dump truck?" [laughter and applause.]
The first time I got shot, I was 15 years old standing on the corner in my old neighborhood running inventory through my small business.
[laughter.]
One of my competitors was mad because I was running a buy-one-get-one-free sale he didn't like.
So he decided to ride by and started shooting, so I started running.
I ran up through this alley and I jumped over this fence.
I know what y'all thinking, Ms.
Pat, your big butt didn't jump over no fence.
You're right.
I ran clean damn through that fence.
[laughter and applause.]
But at 18, I got my life back together, y'all.
I went through the welfare-to-work program.
And I don't know if y'all are familiar with the welfare-to-work program, but it's a lot like diabetes.
If the mama get it, there's a good chance the daughter might get it.
My mama got it.
My sister got it.
My nieces got it.
I got it.
I have a 21-year-old relative that has five kids and got in on welfare with no job.
And I told her, I was like, "Girl, why don't you stop having all these babies and get a job?" She's gonna look at me, tell me, "I can't get no job.
" I'm like, "Why?" Told me, "'cause I got ADHD and I smoke weed.
" I'm like, "Michael Phelps got ADHD, smoke weed, eight gold medals, and a Subway commercial.
" [laughter.]
Thank you, guys.
Ms.
Pat! That was great.
Norm, let's start with you.
Why did you hit Ms.
Pat with a dump truck? I think every set you should tell another getting shot story, but How many times you want me to be shot, Norm? No, it was riveting stuff, because it's authentic.
It's something that's completely out of my life experience, but you drew me into it.
It was it was fascinating.
Yeah, I think if there's one thing everyone can get behind, it's laughing at people being shot.
She made us do it.
That's the amazing part.
Thank you.
(Anthony) Keenen.
Yeah, the autobiography of Ms.
Pat.
That's great.
In my notes it says you were baptized 25 times.
[laughter.]
After hearing about being shot, now I get it.
Lord, please! Please, God! [laughter.]
Like Norm, I found it fascinating that you were able to go that dark.
And I really appreciate comedians that can take their real life and present it to us and laugh at the pain.
I mean, that's what Richard Pryor did so well.
And I thought you did a good job with that tonight, and I appreciate you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(Anthony) Roseanne, what'd you think? Well, you know I love you, Ms.
Pat.
Thank you, Roseanne.
I love you, too.
And I think you are one of the greatest comics working.
I'm so glad to see you in this competition.
You did great tonight.
Keep it going for Ms.
Pat, everybody.
Ms.
Pat! [cheers and applause.]
(Anthony) All right, now the comics are at the mercy of our legendary judges.
When we return, we'll find out which comics are moving on to the semifinals and which ones will be kicked out of their hotel tomorrow morning.
We'll be right back.
She no.
No.
He was great.
Like, you know the one you want to give another shot to, Roseanne? I think it's a mistake.
(announcer) Coming up, the judges' first selections are revealed.
The first comic moving on tonight is (announcer) Then, the invitationals continue as the comics bring the pain.
I've never seen anybody like you.
You're like a country Chris Rock.
[laughter.]
I like this guy, I mean.
Oh, really? - I don't think so.
- I don't know.
Oh, now you're wondering how we're doing? (Taylor) I have no idea if I'm moving on.
Everyone here is so good.
Being so young and getting this opportunity is I mean, it's amazing.
Like, I came into this, I was like, "Should I even be here? Like, is it are you sure I'm on the list?" (Mike) I was happy with how I did.
If I am fortunate enough to move on to the next round, I'll be ecstatic.
But I feel good right now.
(K-von) A comedian's biggest fear is being critiqued.
So I was nervous because you have three people judging, like, your life's work, and there's a lot of great comics.
I just hope to be one of them that goes to the next round.
I hope.
Welcome back.
Now, we're moments away from revealing the judges' selections for the semifinals.
[cheers and applause.]
The first comic moving on tonight is [dramatic music.]
Taylor Tomlinson! I am advancing.
I kinda can't believe it.
It's a big opportunity, great exposure.
Like, okay, we're doing this.
This isn't a dream, it's happening.
I'm so amazed that girl's 21.
Oh, I know.
(Anthony) Ian Bagg! (Ian) I like to do stand-up.
It's another show that I can do stand-up on.
I get to do it in front of a big crowd.
America gets to see it.
Don't touch me, Ian, but good job.
Ryan Conner.
Ms.
Pat.
Mehran Khaghani.
I advanced, holy Christmas.
I am overjoyed and grateful, grateful, grateful.
Who knows? Maybe I can take this whole thing.
(Anthony) Moses Storm.
DC Ervin.
And tonight's last comic moving on to the semifinals is [dramatic music.]
K-von! Score! Yes! I know the judges want to see something bigger and better than round one, and I'm gonna try to top what I did.
[cheers and applause.]
(Anthony) And there you have it.
We're just getting started.
When we come back, our second group of comics will perform and try to earn a spot in the semifinals.
(announcer) Eight comedians from the first group are moving on to the semifinals.
Who will be the next to join them? Find out right now as night two of our invitational round gets under way.
More of the country's best comics will take the stage for a chance to win $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Yay! Whoo-hoo! Well, I'm ready to bring out the next comic.
In fact, I was born ready.
He's from Chicago, but he lives in Memphis now, which makes no sense comedically.
Give it up for Ambrose Jones.
[cheers and applause.]
(Ambrose) Hello, hello, hello.
Actually, I am the third.
When my son was born, my family asked me, "Are you gonna name him Ambrose Jones IV to keep the legacy alive?" I was like, "The legacy of alcoholics and warehouse forklift drivers?" I was like, "No, I'm gonna end this legacy right now.
" This is this is it.
Y'all should-a named me Ambrose Jones the Last, 'cause I'm the last of this situation right here.
This is this is it.
[laughter and applause.]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I'm originally from Chicago, Illinois.
I've been staying in Memphis for the last 15 years, though.
I got a nine-year-old son there.
Yeah, his mom and I separated.
That was partly my fault, 'cause I grew up with stepdaddies and I wanted him to experience that also.
You know? I feel like, I had stepdaddies, you gonna have some stepdaddies, too, you know what I mean? I didn't give you my name, but I'm gonna give you something.
You know what I mean? For real, man.
You take care of your kids so much, you look over taking care of yourself.
I checked my Equifax.
I just found out my credit score around the same number as my age.
[laughter.]
Yeah, that's right.
I'm 32, my credit score, 28.
I can't even get no brand-new car 'cause I'm older than my credit score.
I'm looking forward to getting a brand-new car.
I got a 1996 right now.
You got an older car? You do, too? You do? I got a 1996.
It runs good.
Takes me to point A to point B.
But sometimes my destination at point C.
Now, I gotta catch the bus the rest of the way.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
People looking at me like, "Why you parked at the bus stop?" I'm like, "That's where my car cut off at.
" I need your jumper cables not your criticism.
I do.
[laughter and applause.]
All right, y'all, my name is Ambrose.
[cheers and applause.]
Ambrose Jones, everybody.
- Great job, Ambrose.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Great job.
Thank you.
Roseanne, you've had a long career in comedy.
Do you think Ambrose is gonna follow suit? Yeah, I do.
I think you did great.
I loved how you built it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You've got a lot of edge and you can play both sides and up the middle, too.
It was just great.
- Thank you.
- It was great.
Thank you, Roseanne.
Thank you.
The stepdad joke was amazing.
And the first line about Ambrose Jones the Last, one of the best first lines I've ever heard - to the point where I feel - Thank you.
You should almost have that on the poster.
Ambrose Jones the Last.
I love it, man.
I need to make a t-shirt.
Damn right, you do.
Thank you, Norm.
You betcha.
You are a breath of fresh air.
I loved that you came out and you put it on you first.
Mm-hmm.
And I love comedians who put it on them.
That, to me, is always the funniest material.
And I and I agree with Norm.
The stepdaddy stuff, you have to talk about what the benefits of having a stepdaddy is.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
And when you said the gift, you gotta talk about what kind of gifts you get from the stepdaddy.
Yeah, okay.
I've never seen anybody like you.
You're like a country Chris Rock.
(Anthony) Ambrose Jones, everybody! Way to go, man.
Way to go.
Oh, he's so funny.
He is funny.
(announcer) Up next, is Esther the next big name in comedy? You're the right kind of person to get your own television show.
(announcer) And later, the competition gets heated.
- She can't do that one joke - Yes, I was about - And then talk about dating.
- I was about to agree with you - with that.
- I disagree with both of y'all.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
We're not even halfway through our first invitational show.
Now, I'm gonna keep this show moving and bring out our next comic because I don't care about anything.
Originally from Skokie, Illinois, she lives in L.
A.
now.
Started from the bottom, now she's here.
Get loud for Esther Povitsky! [cheers and applause.]
Hi, my name is Esther, and it's really hard to feel sexy with that name.
I'm sure that there are other Esthers who are prettier and sexier than me.
They're just all dead now.
[laughter.]
I just started working out.
I joined a new gym, and I was really excited, but everyone at the gym I joined is really fat.
And I'm like, "Okay, did they all just join this gym, too, or does this gym just not work?" Maybe I joined a broken gym.
[laughter.]
I have a hard time making friends, especially in L.
A.
I just don't like girls who like sports.
I feel like girls who like sports are either lying or their dad just really wanted a son.
[laughter and applause.]
I just want to be like, "You're a girl.
"You don't have to pretend to like the Patriots.
Guys will still try to have sex with you.
" My dad just turned 70, which is really exciting.
Getting closer to that inheritance.
[laughter.]
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding.
I'm from Illinois.
All I'm getting is a reverse mortgage and funeral costs.
[laughter.]
But because my dad is so old and I look so young, whenever we're in the Midwest together, where I'm from, people always assume he's my grandfather.
And then when he visits me in L.
A.
, they assume he's my boyfriend.
I'm Esther.
Thanks.
[cheers and applause.]
Esther Povitsky! Great job, Esther.
Thank you.
You know, initially when you came out, I didn't think I was going to like you.
- Okay.
- No, no, I'm being honest.
Because it was almost like girlie humor.
But then as you progressed, you started to add this edge to it, and I think that that's where you need to take your act, Because initially, as a guy, you feel like, oh, I'm not gonna get this, and the more you add that edge to you, the better I think it is.
I enjoyed you.
Thanks.
Norm, did you like Esther, or are you going to try to ruin her life right now? I have to disagree with Keenen on this.
What? In today's world of comedy where women are trying to be edgier and edgier, I thought it was wonderful that you were not edgy.
I don't think you're an edgy person.
I loved every joke.
And you don't have to have edge and pretend to be filthy because you're incredibly funny.
No, you misunderstood.
No, no, no.
I was not suggesting that edge was profanity or sexuality.
- Right.
- Uh-huh.
I meant, like, when she did her grandfather joke - that was a funny, edgy joke.
- Right, absolutely.
- Okay, but I think - I in no way I think she has a limit to her edge, and I think she could play Vegas for the rest of her life because I think she hits middle America, like, beautifully.
Yeah, okay.
[cheers and applause.]
Thanks, I think.
You don't want to play Vegas for the rest of your life.
That's a horrible thing to say to someone.
- No, it's not! - It sounds good, but you guys don't know.
You guys don't know what it's like.
No, it's not.
(Anthony) Roseanne, what did you think? Clever, likeable, I do think you're edgy.
I mean, there's some real thought and some social critique going on in your stuff.
Funny, adorable, middle America.
You're the right kind of person to get your own television show.
Thank you.
Show your love for Esther Povitsky, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Well, our next performer is ready to go.
Or is he? He is.
Show some love for Sam Morril.
[cheers and applause.]
I just ran into my biological father on the street.
I told my friend.
He was like, "Is your biological father a good person?" I said, "If he were, I probably would not refer to him as my biological father.
" I think most people say "Dad.
" I look exactly like him.
I show my friend a picture.
He was like, "Oh, my God, it's like you guys were separated at birth.
" We were.
[laughter and applause.]
I saw a dad quizzing his son on dinosaurs in the coffee shop.
Every 30 seconds he'd hold up a picture of a dinosaur and his son would be like, "That's a stegosaurus.
" And the dad would say, "Very good job, Steven, well done.
" Why are we quizzing kids on dinosaurs? I've never needed that knowledge ever in my life.
It's never come in handy.
It's never gotten me out of a jam.
Never been driving drunk, some cop pulls me over.
He's like, "What kind of dinosaur is this, dude?" I'm like, "A stegosaurus.
" He's like, "Step out of the vehicle.
" We should be quizzing kids on things they're gonna actually need.
This should be the quiz.
He just holds up a photo of the same woman but slightly different pictures, and he's like, "All right, Steven, what's different?" And the kid's like, "Her haircut.
" He's like, "Very good.
" That's gonna get you out of a lot of trouble in your life.
I am not good with women.
My last girlfriend, I dated a hoarder.
And she broke up with me.
That stings extra hard, you know? I'm like the one thing she can get rid of.
It does hurt.
She was always mad at me.
I have bad ADD.
She would say, "Sam, you suffer from attention deficit disorder.
You suffer from ADD.
" I was like, "If you see me suffering, why don't you tell shorter stories?" [laughter and applause.]
I was talking to a girl at a bar the other night for, like, two hours.
I was kinda drunk and I tried to kiss her, and she pulled away.
She was like, "I have a boyfriend.
" I said, "Okay.
" And then she was like, "And even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I wouldn't really be interested in you.
" And I was like, "Yeah, lady, I got it.
" You don't have to reject me and then reject me again.
Pretty sure it's not how they do it at auditions.
Like, "Yeah, you weren't right for the part, and even if you were, you're disgusting, so" Thank you very much, guys.
Sam Morril, everybody.
- Great job, Sam.
- Thank you.
I thought the hoarder joke was gold, and I loved your voice.
I never heard a voice like that.
[laughter.]
And I look forward to seeing you in the next round.
- Wow, thank you.
- Oh, wow.
[cheers and applause.]
I agree with Norm.
You were really bringing it, and you and you built a really nice set, and you had some great material.
On the biological father stuff, I think that was your gold there.
- Thank you.
- That's some good stuff.
I felt inconsistency with Sam.
- Really? - Yeah.
I just feel like the set should always crescendo, and it and it did a little bit of this for me.
Well, I liked all the Scary Movie movies, so [laughter.]
I only did the first two.
So [laughter.]
After that, you can't blame me.
So I understand what you're saying, though, that at some point, Sam, you were victim, at some point you were a bastard.
- Is that what you mean? - Yeah.
Yeah, that it went all over the place as to You're saying I'm three-dimensional.
I liked it because I thought it was adding layer after layer of a of a character that we like and are, like, wanting to hear from.
(Sam) I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Sam Morril.
Great job, Sam.
[cheers and applause.]
Well, we still have a lot of comedy left.
In fact, we pretty much saved it all for after this break.
See you in a few.
(announcer) Coming up, find out why this comic leaves Norm speechless.
When I see someone like you, there's no words to describe it.
Did you like him or not, for crying out loud? I'm your host, Anthony Jeselnik, and welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Our next comic is from Brooklyn, home of Spike Lee and gentrification.
Here he is now, Crystian Ramirez.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey.
I'm not doing too good.
I'm not tough.
I don't look tough.
I can't fight, and that's because my dad left when I was eight.
And so I was raised by my mom and my sister, and they were cool.
I love 'em, but whatever girlie things they did, I copied, thinking everybody did it, and there wasn't a man to tell me, cut it out.
[laughter.]
Like, for example, I thought everybody wore towels from the chest down.
Like, I thought that's something people did.
Apparently, you don't you don't do that.
[laughter and applause.]
It wasn't until my cousin from the Army came up and he knocked on the door and I was, like, I did the over the breasts, "I'll be there in a minute.
" Like, in the [laughter.]
And I went over to him, and he was like, "Hey, whoa, whoa! Son, what is this? "What listen, man, listen.
"Men wear their towels from the waist I can see your balls right now.
What's wrong with you?" [cheers and applause.]
Another thing is that my family moved to the worst place in New York City you could move to.
It's called Staten Island.
It should be renamed Uck, 'cause that's how it makes you feel on the on the inside.
The thing is, I have to take a boat to the city every day.
When you take a boat, it messes with your head.
It makes you talk like a pirate whether you want to or not.
Say something very pirate-y and all your friends stop hanging out with you.
They'd be like, "Yo, Crystian, I just saw the trailer "for The Avengers.
It looks crazy.
Times Square, I got the tickets.
Are you down?" I'm like, "I would love to if the seas allow.
" He's like, "Did you just say if the seas what?" [cheers and applause.]
Another fun fact about Staten Island is we had a dude recently dressed up as a clown and at nighttime he would pop out and terrorize everybody.
That's the goofy things I'm dealing with on this stupid island.
It makes me deal with very specific things that no one else is dealing with.
I have to go to my friends, like, "Hey, guys, I gotta go.
" And they're like, "Crystian, we just started hanging out.
Why do you have to leave?" I'm like, "Listen, man, I gotta take a boat home.
"If that boat doesn't get me home in time, the clown is gonna catch me.
" Like, I've said that I've said that to people.
Thanks for everybody's time, guys.
You've been great.
My name's Crystian.
[cheers and applause.]
Crystian Ramirez, keep it going.
All right.
All right.
Fan favorite, so far.
Keenen.
You come across like a naturally funny guy, like a guy you'd want to hang out with 'cause you know he's funny.
Being raised by your mother and your sister [laughter.]
The towel like a girl is hilarious.
[applause.]
I just encourage you to dig deeper into that, 'cause it's just a wealth of material there.
- Yeah, definitely.
- But that said, the one critique is less words.
Your setups, you and they were almost, like, off topic.
Like, you were taking us here and then you turned and went that way.
Thank God it was funny.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
Really, keep it simpler.
Just boom, boom.
But you did a great job.
Roseanne, what did you think about Crystian, ignoring the fact that he spells Crystian with a Y? Oh, I think you're really funny.
Thank you.
And it's very, very clever.
You did great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Norm, what'd you think? Well, when I say I hate an act or I love an act, it's because I live in the world of stand-up.
That's all that I know.
And when I see someone like you, there's no words to describe it Did you like him or not, for crying out loud? [cheers and applause.]
The only thing I could think of [laughter.]
To say is that you giggle when you do your jokes, and only the greatest of stand-ups can achieve that.
I thought it was perfect.
Give it up for Crystian Ramirez! [cheers and applause.]
He's good.
Do your Norm.
Now Roseanne.
[laughter.]
I like the anxiety built up.
Like, I like when people come offstage and they're excited about their sets.
It makes me excited to go up and want to do it.
This is the moments that you prepare for as a comic.
Tonight is the big time, baby.
Yeah, so good to be here.
I was just recently in Las Vegas.
$383 round-trip.
They rip you off.
They charge you $5 for a September 11th security fee.
It's been almost 15 years since 9/11.
I just feel like that should come with the flight.
I just feel like if you ever get on a plane and it gets hijacked, you got the right to stand up and be like, "Who didn't pay their $5?" Kevin, very funny, very smart material, and I enjoyed you.
Appreciate it, thank you.
I teach at a Catholic high school and it's tough teaching juniors and seniors 'cause they're always on their cell phones.
They took this picture of me sleeping at mass and they photoshopped it into historical pictures.
There's a picture of me sitting next to Rosa Parks on a bus sleeping.
[laughter.]
My name is Kasaun Wilson.
It's a made-up black name.
I'm all right with having a made-up black name now.
Like, I'm creating a template for what Kasauns can be in this world.
What I don't like is some of your parents named you after attributes they wanted you to be.
If you're in the unemployment line and your name is Destiny [laughter.]
My name is Rhea Butcher.
It's not a fake name.
[laughter.]
It's funny because it's true.
Despite this rock-a-doodle haircut and this off-duty lesbian tractor mechanic outfit I have on, it took me a long time to come out to my family.
I think for a couple of reasons.
Number one, I'm from Ohio originally, which I like to call the thinking man's Indiana.
[laughter.]
Being from Ohio, my family is comprised of a lot of hillbillies.
I'm also very hillbilly.
How hillbilly are we? You know that phrase, "shooting fish in a barrel?" I've done that.
It is not as easy as you'd think.
Thanks.
[applause.]
I thought Rhea had great stage presence.
I think the audience definitely connected with her.
It was really, really funny.
You did a good job.
Rhea Butcher, everybody.
Thanks, you guys.
(announcer) Up next If anyone feels, like, sad about that joke, you should know that as it turned out, he was not my real father.
(announcer) Is there such a thing as too much edge? I didn't care for it.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Hope you're feeling invigorated, 'cause if you're just vigorated, then we're screwed.
[laughter.]
Time to bring up another comic.
She's from Oakland, but she lives in Portland now, because have you ever been to Oakland? Give her everything you've got.
Amy Miller.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, guys, nice to see you.
I know you guys heard my name and you saw me come out and you were like, "Oh, my God, what is her ethnic makeup?" So mysterious.
I usually get German or Irish, you know.
If you thought those things, you're close.
I'm white trash.
[laughter.]
Thank you.
Thanks.
It's just nice to be able to say that out loud, you know? 'Cause I live in Portland and we can't say words there anymore.
So, just good to get it out.
And by the way, if anyone is in this room right now and you're offended when I say "white trash," I'm just gonna go out on a limb and I'm gonna guess that you have never had an uncle living in his trailer with a crow.
If you've ever been a white trash kid, you might know that part of the deal is that in your house at any given time there's just a ton of dogs and nobody knows where they came from.
[laughter.]
And what happens when you have that many gross animals in your house is, it gets filled with flies.
Yeah, no, I know, gross.
But diamond in the rough, you know.
We had so many So many flies in my house and I was really a curious kid.
I tried to get to the bottom of this once, you know.
I went up to my dad one morning, I was, like, six years old, so earnest.
I was like, "Daddy, why do we have so many bugs in our house?" And he said, "It's probably 'cause you're full of crap.
" [laughter.]
Yeah, no.
It's not good parenting but don't worry, 'cause he died very young.
[laughter.]
So, joke's on him ultimately, you know.
Yeah, who's covered in bugs now, Dad? [laughter and applause.]
Whoo! It's a sad one.
If anyone feels, like, sad about that joke, you should know that as it turned out he was not my real father.
[laughter.]
I am originally from Oakland, California, and I really miss it, and I'll be honest with you guys.
One of the things I miss the most is the attention that I get from men there.
I don't like the way that you laughed at that.
[laughter.]
Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
There are more black dudes in Oakland, sure.
And they're a little bit bolder, more outspoken, you know what I mean? I don't think it's necessarily cultural that they're more forward with me.
I just think, like, you know, if you're a young black man and it's 2015, and you see a lady you want to talk to, you gotta say something quick before a cop shoots you.
[laughter.]
Thanks a lot, you guys.
[cheers and applause.]
Amy Miller.
Keenen, let's start with you.
What'd you think about Amy Miller? I'm gonna make it fast before I get shot.
[laughter.]
That was probably the fiercest joke I've ever heard in my life.
Thank you.
I felt that way about your whole act.
I really appreciated the fact that you were fearless.
You were really smart about how you approached telling us about yourself.
I enjoyed you.
Thank you so much.
Norm, what do you think? I didn't care for it.
My favorite joke is your dad making the joke about you being full of crap and then you saying he died young.
That's a fierce joke.
Every joke was good to great, but together, it was a mess.
I didn't know what you were talking about.
At the end, all of a sudden you were a social commentator doing a joke that only a black person should do.
Nah.
(Keenen) I disagree.
I would have expected a black comic to have made that joke, but I appreciate the fact that she was bold enough to say it.
[cheers and applause.]
People are clapping because they They don't like black people being shot by police.
No, of course.
But comedians are supposed to talk about those things.
That's what our job is, to make that social commentary in a way that we can laugh about it and acknowledge it.
No, what I'm saying is, Keenen, is the consistency.
- She can't do that one joke - Yes, I was about - and then talk about dating.
- I was about to agree with you with that.
I was about to say to her that I understood what you were saying about it feeling like it was all over the place, because it did come out of nowhere.
I thought I disagree with both of y'all.
I [cheers and applause.]
You know, because I saw how she laid it out.
She layered it.
She grew the authority.
She brought it.
You weren't apologetic.
You were strong.
And your material is friggin' awesome.
You're a star.
Thank you.
That's amazing.
We all agree you're great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, guys.
We all agree you're great.
Amy Miller, everybody.
Amy Miller.
[cheers and applause.]
And we've made it to our final comic of the night.
Stay tuned.
We'll be right back with more Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause.]
(announcer) When we return, our final performance of the night.
If you're a guy and you can't dance really well, do not ask your friends for help.
They will teach you screwed up dance moves on purpose.
[laughter.]
(announcer) And then we reveal who's moving on to the semifinals.
And we've made it to our final comic of the night.
He's last but certainly not least, because we bury those people in the middle.
From Denver, Colorado, make some noise for Bryan Kellen.
[cheers and applause.]
As you may have noticed, I have a little of a goofy look to me, and it's not just the suit, it starts with the nose.
Hey, shut up.
All right.
I look cool when I'm looking straight at you.
It's just when I go, ahh.
It's kind of goofy, but you know what? I have to tell you, I thank my nose for one thing.
This is the reason I never got on drugs.
Do you guys know where I'm going with this? That's scary, right? At least nothing you snort or inhale 'cause think about it.
Nobody's gonna share their stash [laughter.]
With someone who is a vacuum attachment like this, right? It's all piled up on the table.
What you got there? It's gone, bro.
It's gone right now.
[laughter and applause.]
What was in that, dude? What was in that? You're friend's like, "It doesn't matter.
"You took in a cubic yard, idiot.
Now I got no more left to sell.
Thank you, Snuffleupagus.
" [laughs.]
So I'm married, unbelievable.
I was so bad with woman, man.
I was always So I always got set up on dates.
And when you're a guy and you get set up on dates, it's always your buddies' girlfriends who do the setting up.
I've got tons of buddies whose girlfriends are really hot who have friends who ain't.
[laughter.]
It's always the girl I got the ain't chick, right? You show up at a party, there's tons of beautiful women.
Like, "Hey, Bry, meet your date, Sylvia.
" [laughter and applause.]
[thumping.]
What the hell is that? Please tell me that's not my date.
That's the missing link is what that is next to me.
[laughter.]
It's a shocker, I never did good at clubs.
'Cause look at me.
Creepy.
Hello.
And I couldn't dance, right? If you're a guy and you can't dance really well, do not ask your friends for help.
They will teach you screwed up dance moves on purpose.
Right, you're hanging out at this club, trying to fit in.
Your friend yells out, "Hey, B.
, bust that running man.
" [laughter.]
Goofy guy, the running man.
I look like Shaggy running from a ghost, for Christ's sake.
Zoinks, like, run, Scoob.
Here come the bitches.
Here we go.
[cheers and applause.]
So if anything happened in my marriage, I'd never go to an online dating service 'cause they set you up with your perfect match.
Well, screw that.
[laughter.]
I'm a wiry guy with a long nose.
My perfect match is a pterodactyl.
No thanks.
Come on out, Tanya.
[laughter.]
She looks just like me.
I'm gonna kill myself.
Look at that.
Say something, Tanya.
[screeches.]
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you all very much.
I appreciate it.
[upbeat music.]
Bryan Kellen, everybody.
He works hard for your money.
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Roseanne, start us off.
Was Bryan a dream or did you wake up screaming? I just loved it! Oh, yeah, [mumbles.]
.
Thank you very much.
I want to see more of that I don't know how you put your body like that.
It's crazy.
I think I'm missing a couple bones or something.
I don't know.
Thank you.
Keenen, what'd you think about Bryan? Well, I think every woman was probably thinking, I'd hate to see him have an orgasm, but [laughter.]
Wait, that's what you were thinking? You know, it's funny, when when you came out, it it threw me so far back, because you just had that whole Carson comedian thing when you came like, your whole delivery, everything about you reminded me of that.
And that, to me, was one of the greatest eras in stand-up comedy.
Your physicality is is amazing, and I just thought you were great.
Thank you very, very much.
Thanks.
[cheers and applause.]
Norm, America's favorite bucket of cold water.
[laughter.]
I've always thought of stand-up comedy as a monologist than than physical, for stand-up itself, you know.
And I think maybe I'm a little snobby that way.
But then when I think a little deeper about it, I think that it's the physical comedy that withstands the ages.
You can watch The Honeymooners.
You can watch The Lucy Show, and you were the last comic that we saw, and by far, the best response.
- By far.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you guys.
He's timeless, Bryan Kellen! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Our headliner tonight.
Show him some love.
Great job, Bryan.
You know who he reminded me of? If you took Tom Dreesen and Jim Carrey I thought yeah, there was Carrey.
Well, that was the final performance of the evening, and now the comics are at the mercy of our legendary judges.
We'll be right back.
I like this guy, I mean.
- Oh, really? - I don't think so.
I think he's weird and I don't know.
I think that's all he's got.
Okay.
I'd rather have that guy than that guy.
You don't like that guy at all? - No.
- No, I didn't like him either.
- But I'm not gonna fight - She's better than them.
[indistinct conversations.]
You do stand-up this long, you get some things come your way, and some work out, some don't.
So, hopefully this is a vehicle on to bigger things, you know? (Sam) I felt good when Norm said, "We'll see you in round two.
" I didn't feel as good when Keenen kind of went against that.
So I definitely split the judges.
We'll see what happens, but I think the set was good.
(Amy) I don't know if I'll go through.
I think the audience liked it, and I think it represented me, and I feel proud of what I did today.
[cheers and applause.]
The first comic moving on tonight is [dramatic music.]
Ambrose Jones! I made it to the next round.
Whoo! Going to the semifinals, baby.
That's right.
(Anthony) Esther Povitsky.
(Esther) Hearing Anthony Jeselnik say my name, it was really amazing.
I just want to keep hearing him saying more things to me and eventually work up to touching him.
(Anthony) Crystian Ramirez.
Bryan Kellen.
Kevin Bozeman.
And tonight's last comic moving on to the semifinals is [dramatic music.]
Amy Miller.
I was not expecting my name to be called.
I'll prove Norm wrong, for sure.
Yeah, I'll get him.
(Anthony) And there you have it.
For Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm, I'm Anthony Jeselnik.
Good night and see you next week.
(announcer) Six comedians are moving on, bringing tonight's total to 14 comics who will advance to the semifinals.
See who else makes it to the semifinals when the invitationals continue next week.
[upbeat music.]