M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e01 Episode Script

# I'm puttin' on my top hat # #Tyin' on my white tie # # Brushin' off my tails # ## [Humming.]
# I'm # # Doin' up my shirt front # Ah.
# Puttin' in my shirt studs # Mmm.
## [Humming.]
Thank you, Charles of the Ritzies.
## [Humming.]
- Hey, twinkletoes? - Yes? - Do you take requests? - I certainly do.
- Can I hear the refrain from Singing? - [Laughing.]
You're just jealous 'cause I got a 24-hour pass, and you don't.
I'm too tired to be jealous.
Your pass to Seoul is my ticket to the Land of Nod.
Pleasant dreams, bunky.
Dreams? Did I say dreams? # Dream, when you're feeling blue # # Dream, that's the thing to do # # But I get a kick out of you ## I figured you were leaving.
I got wind of your "eau de cologney" clear over to post-op.
Thank you.
It's the sweet smell of excess.
Begging your pardon, sir and madam.
- Call of the mail.
- Oh, a note from the Dad Letter Office.
- Got me a missive from the missus.
- [Laughs.]
Ah! Look at this! A picture of Dad and my little cousin Martin at the annual sugaring-off dinner.
- What's a sugaring-off dinner? - Oh, you urban prisoner, you.
It is the social event of the entire maple syrup season.
All the saps come out of the woodwork.
Better saddle up, vaquero.
You do need some time off.
Thanks for lending me the car, Dad.
Don't worry.
I won't scratch the rust.
- Hot mustard! - Good news, Colonel? - Hot mustard! - Good news, Colonel? I'll say.
Mildred and her partner took first prize in the big Hannibal, Missouri bridge tournament.
- Ah, you must be very proud.
- As in peacock, Padre.
She even enclosed a diagram of the winning hand.
I take it that the winning hand had a gun in it.
- How's that? - Forgive me, sir.
Being a past master myself, I've always had a particular reverence for the game of bridge.
It always depresses me to see people attempt it who are better suited to canasta or panguini.
Are you making cracks about my better half? Not at all, sir.
I'm sure she richly deserves the accolades of her peers at the Missouri Blue Hair Invitational.
Now get this, boy.
Me and Mildred were playin' bridge when you were still making gum marks on your silver spoon.
We're the best mixed-doubles bridge team in the entire Show-Me State.
That is roughly the equivalent of being the finest hockey player in all of Ecuador.
Think you're pretty smart, don't you? Would you care to put your money where your foot is? What say we have a little showdown of our own? - Sir, are you challenging me? - You bet your blue blood.
I'd slap you across the kisser if I had a glove.
- Preferably one of Primo Carnera's.
- I must warn you, sir.
It is I who shall stand victorious o'er your fallen carcass.
My sister Honoria and I were four times champions of the Beacon Hill Bridge Society.
Well, well.
I think we have the makings of a classic brouhaha.
Do I hear the sound of a grudge match bridge hands with brass knuckles on them? Yes! Colonel Potter's just thrown down the gauntlet.
- I intend to see that he picks it up.
- You're on, sonny.
Wonderful.
I'll go set up a table in the Officers Club.
Whoa, Padre.
We're gonna need partners.
This is your lucky day, sir.
I'm ready, willing and available.
Forget it, Klinger.
This tournament is open to mammals only.
We'll keep you in mind if ever we have a tournament of Crazy Section Eights.
I don't play myself, but what about B.
J.
? He's got to be a bridge player.
He lives in the suburbs.
Hunnicutt? A Californian? The only bridge he knows is the Golden Gate.
Wait a minute! Major Houlihan is an excellent player.
- A shark is more like it.
- Fascinating as this is I think I will retire to the Swamp and enjoy the view of Pierce's empty bunk.
- What about partners? - Sir, with all due respect I will have you weeping into your bridge mix even if I wind up partnered with your horse.
Hold it a second.
Is a horse a mammal? # Come away with me, Lucille # # In my merry Oldsmobile # # Down the road of life we'll fly, automobub # [Gunshots.]
[Engine Cranking.]
Come on, baby.
I'm sittin' here with my brass exposed.
[Engine Cranking Continues.]
Oh, hi.
Sorry if I took your parking space.
I'll be out of here in a jiffy.
[Engine Cranking Continues.]
Look, I'm not armed.
See? No guns, no bombs, no errors.
Why don't you take the jeep? It's dead.
Maybe it'll fill your quota.
- [Korean.]
- What? Wh Y-You want the suitcase? No, you don't want it.
Okay, fine.
It's all right.
What? What You want You want the medical bag? You got it.
There.
Wear it in good health.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
- All right.
I'll - [Korean Continues.]
Look, I realize I'm dressed to kill, but don't take it literally.
You want me and the medical bag, is that it? Okay.
You got it.
Sure.
Okay.
Fine.
Good.
Okay.
[Korean Continues.]
If we're going in there, I think I should warn you, I'm not a tree surgeon.
- Why, Charles.
- Ah, top of the afternoon, Margaret.
I dropped by because I have a little surprise that you might find amusing.
It seems that our own Colonel Potter fancies himself quite a bridge player.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
And as you are perhaps aware, I am of championship caliber at the game.
I wasn't aware.
But I'm certainly not surprised.
Oh, thank you.
Well, the upshot of all this is that after a few well-chosen lunchtime japes I find myself challenged to a bridge tournament by the old boy.
- And? - And I am offering you the chance of sharing the joy of taking that bumpkin to the cleaners.
You're too late, Winchester.
The bumpkin beat you to her.
[Chuckling.]
Hi.
Colonel, what a coincidence.
We were just talking about you.
I heard every word.
The old boy ain't deef, you know.
Good.
Then you will be able to hear clearly Margaret say that she would prefer to play with me.
Where I'm from, it's first come, first served.
And I'm here and you're there.
- Need I elaborate? - Hold it, both of you.
As much as a woman might enjoy having two distinguished gentlemen fight over her Margaret, I have no intention of fighting for you.
The advantages of pairing with me are obvious a brilliant partner, stimulating play, the only hope of victory and a dozen pair of silk stockings and $50 cash after we win.
- That's bribery! - No, that is the American way.
- Survival of the richest.
- Relax, both of you.
Charles, I have already agreed to play with Colonel Potter.
After all, he is the ranking player here.
Aha.
In other words, he ordered you.
Confucius say, "A bird on the collar beats your 50 dollar.
" - Go away.
- But, Beej, old bean do you have any idea what a beautiful day it is out there? The sky is blue.
The birds are singing.
Why would anyone want to waste their time sleeping when they can be in the Officers Club playing bridge? Have you heard about people who walk in their sleep? I punch in my sleep.
Ah, I like that.
Good.
Feisty, combative two prime requisites for a bridge player.
You mention cards one more time, I'm gonna deck you.
Hunnicutt, please, do me this one small favor and I will be eternally in your debt.
Really? Can I play my Frankie Laine records on your phonograph? Even "Mule Train.
" Can I trim my mustache with your silver scissors? Yes.
Yes, even your toenails.
Are we a team? Nah, I don't want that stuff.
Then damn it, man, what do you want? Well, well, well.
We are desperate, aren't we? That sort of puts me in the driver's bunk.
Well, Charles, I'll partner with you on one condition.
Yes.
What? Anything.
Say it.
That you personally guarantee me - Is that all? - Ah.
! But I said, "absolutely uninterrupted.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Anybody wants me for anything, you go in my place.
- Agreed.
Agreed.
- And Somehow I knew there would be an "and.
" Well, I'm sure you'd agree, no good night's sleep is complete without a good morning breakfast, served to me right here by guess who? Don't press your luck, Hunnicutt.
I am a flawless player.
I can win with anyone.
- Good luck to you and anyone.
- [Scoffs.]
Will that be bacon or sausage? Why do I get the feeling we're looking for a nice out-of-the-way spot - just to get me out of the way? - [Grunts.]
- I take it he's with you.
- [Korean Continues.]
Look, I want to save your friend, but just in case I can't does that mean you'll pay me in hot lead instead of cold cash? You don't have to answer right away.
Think it over.
Take your time.
Let me know in 10 or 20 years.
Call me at home, collect.
I'm in the book.
All right.
Look, I'm I'm just gonna lift back his blanket, okay? - [Korean Continues.]
- Yeah.
[Muttering.]
Don't let my trembling hands get you upset.
[Gasping.]
He's got a lot of shrapnel in his chest.
Oh, boy.
Those head wounds are serious.
We gotta move him.
- [Korean Continues.]
- Look, look, look l-l-I work in a hospital.
See? I work in a hospital just, like, a hand grenade's throw from here.
Look, no nobody will hurt you.
You'll be fine.
If we can get back to my jeep and we go very fast down that road to the hospital, we can help him in no time.
Take no time at all.
Come on.
- [Clicking.]
- All right! Okay! All right, all right! I'm not gonna move him, okay? I'm not gonna move him.
No No No moving.
Look, I want to save him as much as you do.
No point in everybody dying.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, I think I get the picture, As long as he stays alive, I stay alive.
[Klinger.]
Okay, fans, top of the second rubber and what a rout.
! The Potter-Houlihan duo is murdering Winchester-Hunnicutt.
New odds are eight-to-five.
Place your bets, folks.
- Klinger! - No talking from the dummy.
- Sorry, sir.
- Not you.
Him.
- Aha! - Damn.
Your inept play has cost us every trick.
So I miscounted trump.
Big deal.
Now, Major, we have to be patient with the less-experienced players.
What are you worried about, Major? B.
J.
's got a straight flush.
Klinger, you idiot! You're giving away his hand.
How can I? I don't know nothin' about this game.
- There's an awful lot of that going round.
- I'd love a scotch.
- Lx-nay on the ootch-hay, pard.
- But I'm thirsty.
Now, Margaret, you know how you get after a couple of belts.
In no time, you'll be buckin' and wingin' in the rafters.
- [Mutters.]
- Signaling is verboten! Signaling! I wasn't signaling.
I wasn't.
Ask anyone in the club.
That does it, Winchester! Outside until this hand is over.
- [Card Slaps Down.]
- Now it's over.
Whoopee! Ha! - I won! - Yes, we did.
- This is beyond belief! - Shut up, Charles.
Well, ain't that a fine howdeedoo.
The regular army rube whupped the Beacon Hill big shot.
Colonel, you seem to keep forgetting that it was my defense that beat them.
- Relax, Charlie.
We'll get 'em next time.
- We? "Wee" merely describes the size of your brain.
This is hopeless.
I'm outnumbered three-to-one! Cease firing on the alibi barrage.
I would've stomped you even if your partner was old Charlie Goren himself.
Oh, is that so? There's more shrapnel in his head.
Probably a subdural hematoma.
Hematom What am I doing talking Greek to a Korean? Look Look, one pupil is dilated.
He's bleeding into his brain.
I haven't got the equipment here to help him.
I've gotta get him to a hospital.
He's liable to die if we don't move him.
You understand me about as well as he does.
- [Grunts.]
- Oh, good.
You operate, and I'll hold the gun for awhile.
[Korean Continues.]
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
But the chest isn't even half the problem.
Yeah.
Right.
Fine.
Okay.
Sure.
Yeah.
N-Nice-looking family.
As long as we're trading snapshots.
May I? I'll see his family and raise you a father, who raised me.
So, uh, we've both got something to live for, you know? [Klinger.]
New bets for old.
New bets for old.
It's now a whole new bridge game.
Winchester-Houlihan versus Potter-Hunnicutt.
You can't tell the players without a scorecard.
And these players, you can't tell anything.
Margaret, let me get you that scotch now.
It might help to relieve the pressure.
- You know how tightly wound you are.
- Thank you, Colonel for that transparent attempt to get the major soused.
- We'll pass until the victory celebration.
- Don't forget, Charles.
Even though I'm not your partner anymore, you still owe me breakfast in bed.
Dream on, Captain Hornblower.
After the way you butchered that last game? - Forget it.
- Breakfast in bed for your partner? Charles, what a wonderful idea.
I'll have scrambled eggs and toast.
If anyone's getting breakfast in the boudoir I say it ought to be the winners, served up by the losers.
Aha-ha-ha.
Then lay out your finest busboy ensemble, Colonel.
[Chuckles.]
I start the bidding with one heart.
- Two clubs.
- My goodness, it's quiet in here.
- Are you sure they're still alive? - [Gasps.]
- Pervert! - [Potter.]
What in the Sam Hill? He's playing footsie with me under the table! Charles, how gauche.
Don't flatter yourself, Margaret.
He was trying to give you bidding signals.
The only thing worse than a pervert is a cheat! I was innocently stretching my leg.
I've been sitting here for over an hour.
How'd you like to be kneeling for a week over a dirty latrine? I cannot play with this woman! She is a dolt and a prude.
Well, I'm stuck with Hunnicutt's foul-ups but you don't see me sobbin' in my suds.
That's it.
I'm not givin' up any more sleep for this nightmare.
I've had it with Major Touchy-Feely! Wait, wait.
You must realize that all great competitors like great tennis rackets, are tightly strung.
Surely we can find someway around these trivial personality conflicts.
I have this wonderful fantasy of the three of us driving back to camp where I can operate properly on those head wounds.
My alternate fantasy's not so bad either.
We drive back to your camp and I spend the rest of the war waiting for Red Cross packages admiring your gentlemanly observance of the Geneva convention.
- [Gasping.]
- [Korean Continues.]
He can't breathe.
His airway's blocked.
Come here.
Come here.
I need your help.
I gotta I gotta open up his windpipe.
- [Gasping Continues.]
- Damn it.
Come here.
I need you to hold him down so I can make an opening in his windpipe.
Will you get down here? I need you to hold him down so I can open up his throat! Do you hear what I'm saying? Damn it, now! Get down here! Hold him down.
Don't worry about your gun.
There'll be plenty of time later to kill me.
[Klinger.]
Who'd have thunk it? Houlihan-Hunnicutt beating the daylights out of Potter-Winchester.
It's a topsy-turvy world we live in, folks.
- Go, Margaret! [Laughing.]
- [Laughing.]
- Watch my dust.
- What a massacre.
The Davids are about to slay the Goliaths.
This is your fault, Winchester.
You wouldn't support my hearts.
- You wouldn't support my diamonds.
- I'd like to trump your face.
- That does it.
Small slam.
We win the rubber.
- [Crowd Groaning.]
- Beaver biscuits! - Let's celebrate.
All of that winning made me thirsty.
Colonel, I can state quite categorically that you are the Doodles Weaver of bridge.
- Thank you.
I like him.
- Of course you do.
Klinger, I believe there's the small matter of the wagers to be settled.
Are you kidding? Everybody bet on either Potter or Winchester.
Who knew these two would turn out to be the winners? Klinger, if you'll recheck your receipts I think you'll find someone did bet on Houlihan and Hunnicutt.
Hey, you're right.
Twenty bucks on Houlihan and Hunnicutt bet by Father Francis Mulcahy.
Hey, Father, how come you knew Margaret and I would win? - My money was on her and Charles.
- Oh, ye of little faith.
I knew if those two ever teamed up, their giant egos would cancel each other out.
Besides, any horse player will tell you when the money is split between the favorites, bet on the long shot.
You're doing great, pal.
Just hang in there.
Okay, now for the hard part.
Come here.
Give me your hand.
Give me your hand.
Put it down here.
You gotta pull the skin back, keep the trachea open.
I'm gonna get something in there so he can breathe through it.
Please let me have a pen.
A pen! Let's just hope it's mightier than the sword.
[Blows.]
Pull it back.
Pull it back.
I gotta get this in so he can breathe through it.
Now, if I could just get in that opening.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
He's not breathing.
God! [Exhaling Forcefully.]
Come on, breathe! [Exhaling Forcefully Continues.]
Come on! Come on! Come on.
Come on.
[Grunting.]
Come on! Come on.
Give me a pulse! I'm sorry.
I tried.
I haven't the equipment.
[Korean.]
If you had led clubs after I bid them, we wouldn't be here now as dumbwaiters.
Buzz off, slim.
And I did lead clubs.
You led spades.
Clubs look like little clover things.
The spades look like little shovels.
I'm gonna take a large shovel and knock you to Guam.
What a shame to have wasted all these years as a doctor when I could have been doing this for a living.
Hunnicutt? Huh Well, hello.
Well, well.
The chef has prepared your breakfast as per your request.
The eggs are crisp and brown, and the bacon is yellow and runny.
May you gag on every bite.
Why should this breakfast be any different? [Muttering.]
Good heavens.
What time did he drag himself in? How would I know? I was asleep.
From the looks of him, he had one wild R & R.
[Scoffs.]
And he calls himself a doctor.